Looking For Love (But Not So Sure) (Suzu route Act 2-9)

Looking For Love (But Not So Sure)


I wake up, slowly, quietly. Taking a look around, I find that the common room is abuzz with other students, and that my dream only ate up about 20 minutes, I still have the better part of an hour before Hisao is supposed to show up. Yawning slowly, I turn my gaze to the lights of the television, my mind a hundred miles away.

So that's it then, it's over. I won, and I should be free now. Now I can focus on things like... like seeing a movie with Hisao, and, and... I don't know what else. But the important thing is that my dreams are my own.

As good as I feel about that, I know that nothing else will really change. I'm still the same person, I still have to worry about taking a bad fall, or missing something important or boring my friends out of their minds. But for now, I feel good. I try to put the dream and everything it entails out of my head, I just want to forget all those painful memories that were dredged up. I can't plan moves three turns in advance, it's too much for me. But I can't keep track of what happened three moves ago either, I just can't do it, my life is too chopped up. My days are broken into slices of being awake, each one padded on both sides by a dream or just empty unconsciousness. It's hard enough to recharge my batteries without worrying about what just happened or what's about to, I can't handle it.

Luckily I don't have to worry about any of that right now. All I have to do is sit here and be really, really comfortable, and wait for Hisao to show up. He should be here before too long. I begin to get those butterflies in my stomach again, a completely different kind of fear than the one I just faced.

I don't know how to do dates. I don't know what's expected of me, if we should hold hands, if we should kiss, anything like that. But I have gone to see movies with friends before, even if I slept through part of them. And of course I've gone out to eat with people. So I'll just do what I know how to do, and hope and pray that the rest somehow comes naturally. With any luck Hisao will be in the same situation, maybe we can be awkward together. It's cute when he gets flustered like that, because I know I probably look the same way.

I picture some of the times I've watched him blush, I remember that confession... I don't even know if I could call it that, but still. The memory is a good one, a happy one. I hold those memories close to me, and I start to feel better about tonight, I'm sure this is going to be fun. I sink into the chair as far as I can go and rest my eyes, knowing that even if I do go back to sleep, everything will be all right when I wake up.


The next time I open them, Hisao is standing in front of me, hands in his pockets.

“How long have you been there?” I ask, blinking away sleep. I think I can hear crickets outside, it must be getting dark. Is he late? When were we supposed to meet again? I don't remember.

“Long enough.” Hisao smiles. He's wearing a sweatervest again, underneath his school jacket. It's a different one, how many of those does he have? I would be lying if I said it didn't look kind of good though. I don't know, maybe I'm a sucker for these kinds of things. He must never know.

“I see you're in your usual attire.” I detach myself from the chair with only a little difficulty, standing up. He's only a few feet away and suddenly that's very close, not that I mind.

“Well, I don't really like the uniform jacket but it's supposed to get cold tonight, so.” His gaze lingers on my oversized sweater. “You look cute.”

I feel myself blushing. Miki, you had better have been right. “You mean it doesn't look like a tent?”

“Well...” Hisao pretends to study my outfit, making motions as if he's checking things off an imaginary clipboard.

“Let's see... Suzu, check. Awake, check. Nah, according to my research, that's all that's required to reach cute status.”

I begin to blush harder. “So I'm not cute if I'm asleep?” I try to deflect my embarrassment, but it only comes off as fishing for more compliments. I can live with that. Hisao shakes his head in mock seriousness.

“No, then it's a double-check. Off the charts.”

I laugh, but I don't really know how to respond and he seems to have run out of steam as well, since now he's just standing there blushing too. Every once in a while he's really, stupidly clever, and then he's back to normal Hisao, I like it. I like both, it keeps me on my toes. And that's what I need right now, as I fight off a yawn.

“Shall we go?” I ask. Hisao grins, I can sense another quip coming on. If only I had my pillow here to smack him with. Excalipillow.

“Right away, ringmaster.” He says, motioning towards the doors outside.

“What?” I squint at him as we start to walk.

“It's a circus joke. Because uh, it actually does look kind of like a tent now that you mention it.”

“You!” Excalipillow can wait, right now any of the pillows in the common room will do for a good beating. But as I look around for a weapon, Hisao is almost running for the door of the girls' dormitory, laughing.

“C'mon.” He motions for me to follow, and opens the door. Outside I see the last rays of the setting sun and the lights that have kicked on over the school grounds, beckoning me towards a night out.

I don't know how to do this I don't know how to do this I don't know how to do this. I take a deep breath, my cheeks are still warm and something inside me is so very warm too.

“Okay.” I never had a choice and never needed one.



Together we begin to walk down the hill towards the town. “Do you think we can stop and get some coffee somewhere? Like as an emergency supply.” I ask, staring up at the stars that are slowly beginning to appear in the dark purple sky.
“Will they let you take that into the movie theater?” Hisao looks thoughtful.

“I can be sneaky. Besides, I'll just put the cans somewhere in my tent.” I emphasize the last two words with feigned outrage, and Hisao laughs.

“Actually, that won't be a problem.” He stops walking.

“Huh?”

“Look there.” He points, and I turn to see a pair of headlights slowly coming up the hill towards us. A taxi comes to a stop in front of us, and Hisao pulls open the door.

“You got us a taxi? But we're just going into town.” I swing myself inside and take a seat anyway, careful not to hit my knee on anything.

“About that...” Hisao sits down in the back next to me, and then speaks to the driver. “Ready to go.” He says. The driver nods, and we turn around and begin heading back down the hill.

“We're not going to the movies anymore?” A bit of the nervousness starts to creep back into my throat. I still trust Hisao, but we finally had a plan, and now I'm in a strange car headed into the unknown again. That's not a good combination for someone with a faulty head like mine, I don't even really like car rides, and I hate taking buses or trains by myself. I could fall asleep and wake up half a world away.

I'm not by myself now, though. Hisao is quick to explain.

“I had a better idea. The movie theater is there all the time, and in a little town like this there usually aren't any good movies anyway. So instead, I thought we could go to the city.”

The city? At night? Don't they have muggers and serial killers and organ thieves? Those especially.

“Cities have organ thieves.” I hope he knows this, he has to know this.

“You have such a morbid imagination.” He raises one eyebrow at me, the sight of him lit up briefly with each streetlight the car passes.

“Imagination isn't enough to keep all your organs in your body.” I stare out the window at the scenery for a few moments before turning back to Hisao, who's still looking at me with a mix of bemusement and concern.

“Are you really upset? Do you really think we're going to get our organs stolen?” He asks.

“I'm just kidding. Mostly.” I smile reassuringly, and he returns the gesture. But then I go serious. “You have to promise to make sure I come back tonight with all my organs.”

Hisao grins. “I promise.” He says, offering his hand. I guess I'm supposed to shake it? Is that a guy thing? Is that even a thing? I go with it anyway, taking his hand in mine. We shake hands once, but then neither of us move to let go. We just sit there like that, staring at eachother in the low light.

This is uh. Shouldn't he let go now? But it's not a bad feeling. Quick Suzu, say something. Don't mess it up.

“You really promise?” I mumble. Hisao nods, still smiling, but I think he's blushing too.

“I really do.” He says. We still stay like that for a few more moments, I guess my attempt at averting the awkwardness failed. I want to pull my hand back but I don't want him to think that I don't want to. Um. Touch him. Luckily, the taxi driver does us both a favor.

“Please don't start getting frisky in my backseat.” He says in such a way that I can't tell if he's joking or not. Our hands are split apart in the blink of an eye. I go back to staring out the window, gazing at the reflection of my reddening face. This is going to be a long night, I think.



We arrive at the city in the blink of an eye--I must have fallen asleep at one point, but I don't remember it. The next thing I know we're driving through the brightly lit streets, I stare out at the huge buildings and the throngs of people still walking even though it's well after dark now.

“Have you been here a lot?” Hisao asks.

I shake my head. “I don't really leave the school very much. I grew up kind of closer towards the country, so I'm not used to this.” I turn to look at him. “Are you?”

He shrugs and gives a half smile. “Maybe.”

“Maybe? You mean you don't remember?” But the car slows to a stop, and Hisao cranes his neck to look out the window. “We're here.” He says.

He gets out and I follow, still feeling a little bit uneasy. As Hisao pays the taxi driver, I stare at the huge neon sign that lights up the night above our heads.

It's an amusement park, one of the smaller, themed ones you find in a lot of cities of this size. In the distance I can see brightly lit carnival stands, rides, restaurants, and in between all of these are people everywhere. The mascot looks like a cat with a huge, round head and its mouth open in a wide grin, it's eyes rolled back to one corner. It smiles at us from fifty different places, that smarmy expression is plastered all over the place. I hear the taxi begin to rumble away, and Hisao steps forward to stand next to me.

“I'm sorry for changing our plans like that. It's just that Miki recommended this place, and I really...” He looks disheartened for a second, and stares past me as if gazing at someone else. No no Hisao don't start spacing out, I know that sounds hypocritical coming from me but I want to hear what you have to say.

He comes back after only a moment. “...I really want this to go right.” He smiles a sad, hopeful smile, like if he makes that face long enough it might eventually turn into something genuine and real.

Don't make that face, that's a stupid face. You're here on a date in the city with a cute girl wearing a tent, who likes it when you're happy, not when you make faces like that. I'll show you how it's done. I throw on my brightest smile, the one Miki gives me when I fall asleep at the top of the stairs and wake up at the bottom.

“Come on, let's get this show on the road.” I say, taking a deep breath before slipping my hand in his. That's what you do at times like these, I'm pretty sure. It feels right anyway, it feels good. Hisao's hand tightens around mine, and he nods, his smile turning, transforming into something real. Mission successful.

We walk towards the entrance. It's been a long time since I've moved around while holding someone's hand like this, I'm used to walking arm in arm with Miki, since she needs to keep her good hand free to do things like carry bags and punch people. Hisao pays our way inside while I squirm a little bit, the guy is supposed to do that and he does it without a second thought but it still feels weird. I resolve to win him something at the games to pay him back, maybe I can find something to match the enormous T-rex who's been keeping me company these last few nights. What's the opposite of a dinosaur? Do they have big fuzzy meteor plushies?

“What do you want to do first?” Hisao asks as we step inside. It's a Saturday night, and people swarm all around us, families with small children, couples laughing and talking. All of them are either trying to avoid the various people dressed up in mascot costumes or pestering them for photographs. At least there are no clowns. I can't stand clowns.

“Well, why don't we--” I feel something pull the plug at the back of my brain. My eyelids suddenly weigh a thousand tons, and I slowly begin to pitch sideways. Just as I begin to go though, a pair of arms suddenly grips me tightly, pulling me back upright.

“Thanks.” I smile at Hisao, who nods, wearing a gentle smile of his own.

“So, how about we track down some coffee first?” He asks. I bob my head up and down vigorously, both agreeing and trying to force myself to wake up.

“Yes, that's... yes. Coffee first, yeah.”



We successfully track down some excellent but overpriced coffee, and then set about exploring the park. The night is still young and there's no class tomorrow, so we take our time. It's been years since I was at an amusement park, there was one in the city a little ways away from our house when I was a kid, and every month my parents took time off from their busy work schedules for a trip there. A lot of things are just like I remember, I guess some things are pretty universal. There's the rollercoasters, the souvenir shops and little exotic, expensive food stands all over the place. Every direction I look in, there are bright lights that drive away any trace of darkness. It makes me feel like a kid again, I stare at everything with wonder even though I still feel a tired tugging behind my eyes. Normally being around this many people would make me uneasy, let alone that I'm in a strange new place. But I'm not scared at all, Hisao is here and his hand in mine feels... right. I don't know how to explain it. I'm almost afraid if I think about it too hard then it will go away, like something on the edges of your vision. Speaking of that...

“Huh?” I glance around left and right. Was that?

“What's wrong?” Hisao asks. I peer at the crowds around us, but none of the faces jump out as familiar. That's weird, I could swear I just...

“I thought I saw someone from our class.” I say.

“Damn, and I thought I was so original too.” Hisao smiles, and I get caught up in playing off him again.

“I thought you said Miki recommended this place to you?”

“Details details.” He rolls his eyes. “Hey, let's go on that rollercoaster next.”

“Okay, but if you ask where the circus is one more time I'm pushing you off the top.”

“As long as you don't feed me to your lions, ringmaster.”

I resist the urge to do... something, I don't know, in that case I resist the urge to think up something to do to him. A rollercoaster, I don't think I've ever been on one before. No wait, I actually have, I just fell asleep right at the top. Right, now I remember. That wasn't fun at all. And then I woke up just in time to have some ice cream... which had then melted by the time I woke up again after that.

I realize that I had a terrible childhood. Obviously the only way to fix this is to immediately go for ice cream after riding this rollercoaster. It won't undo years of pain and suffering, but the therapeutic effects of ice cream are well documented. Probably. Somewhere. Luckily, the lines for the rides are short tonight, and we're able to speed past the normal signs warning pregnant women and people with heart conditions and things like that. Passing out on one of these rides isn't as dangerous as having a seizure or something, and as long as I'm not alone I should be fine.

We make our way through the line up the stairs--great, stairs--and finally reach the loading section. The actual, snakelike part that you ride in is divided into three smaller carts, each one with room for two people. There's only one chair per pod, so that means we have to... have to...

“Ready?” Hisao asks as the last group of riders climb out and the automatic gates swing open.

“Um, okay, you first.” I reply. He carefully steps down into the seat, and then looks up at me.

“There's no real way around this you know.” He says sheepishly. Everyone else is strapping themselves in already, I start to feel that panic you get when you know you're missing something that you won't have another shot at, like when you spill salt all over an expensive dinner.

“It's fine.” I can do this. Slowly, and with great effort not to bang my knee against the edges of the cart, I lower myself inside. The way it's set up I have to lean back against Hisao, my back pressing into his chest. I can almost feel his heartbeat speed up, even through the some five layers of clothing between us. Even then, the feeling of his body next to mine is... it's... I can't describe it. Even though he knew it was coming, Hisao stiffens at the touch before gradually relaxing. Being this close is new and alien, I haven't done this in... I can't remember. Maybe never, I was just a kid the last time I tried to ride a rollercoaser. And kids don't think about things like his legs spread on either side of mine, and the way I can feel his breath on my hair, not to mention how my rear is... is...

“Are you all right?” Hisao asks uncertainly. He begins buckling us in with shaky hands.

“I-I'm fine. Are you alright?” I'm glad he can't see my face right now, because I'm blushing for probably the thousandth time tonight.

“I'll live.” He says. Then, “You smell like coffee.”

I laugh, the tension instantly broken and I'm so glad, so glad. “And you're a jerk!”

“Is that what you think?” I can hear the smile on his face even if I can't see it.

“It's a scientific fact.”

“Actually that would be a scientific theory, which is a--” The rumbling of the ride beginning cuts him off. The line of pods lurch forward until we exit the covered loading platform. A cold wind lashes at us, and I try to squirm closer against Hisao as stealthily as possible. If he notices, he doesn't say anything. Then again, it's hard to hear anything at all over the grinding noise of the machinery pulling us forward. We hit a slant where we start to go up a steep hill, and gravity pulls my head backwards to rest on Hisao's shoulder.

“Sorry.” I mumble.

“It's okay.” He says, leaning the side of his head against mine. “Coffee.”

“Sorry!” I repeat, louder over the growing noise of the ride. We're climbing higher and higher, the air grows even colder. Hisao laughs and the vibrations feel weird, his body so close to mine.

“It really is okay. Now hold on to something, this is the best part.”

We reach the peak of the track, I pull my head forward to look around. The people below look like ants from up here, it's a really good thing I'm not afraid of heights. Or maybe I am afraid of heights, I mean, this is actually pretty scary. If I did have a phobia like that, would I be sweating? Screaming? I guess I'm not that freaked out. Actually, it's hard to freak out about anything with my back to Hisao's chest, even through our clothes, just the feeling of touching someone else, someone who cares about you and likes you, is--wait, what's that ahead? Is that? No way. No, no way.

“Is that a sheer drop?” I shout to be heard above the wind and the clicking noises of the ride.

“Yeah.”

“That's crazy!”

“Yup.”

We slowly slide towards the oncoming fall, this is probably what watching a train wreck feels like, except of instead of watching it you're the freaking train oh god. With what appears to be certain death fast approaching, I swivel around to try to look at Hisao, but with the restraints around my waist I can't quite meet his eyes.

“Have you done this a lot?” I ask.

I feel him shrug behind me. “Maybe.” He says again, in that same neutral tone.

“What do you mean mayb--”

“You're going to miss it!” I turn back around just in time to see the cart ahead of us vanish.

And then, quite simply, we're next. At least I'm awake this time.



After surviving my first real rollercoaster ride--it was just like the commercials I'd seen on TV, but with a lot more whooshing and maybe, maybe some screaming. Actually, that was probably the wind. Yeah, that's it--we stumbled our way to the nearest ice cream stand. I made Hisao swear to wake me up if I fell asleep while eating it, no matter how cute it might be, and then we went about seeing the rest of the theme park. Hisao pointed out one of those rides that tries to be scary but usually just comes off as corny, the type where you ride in a tiny little kart while things jump out at you or spout generic creepy lines. I continued to sit and lick my ice cream throughout the entire thing, although Hisao jumped once or twice. I guess after so much battleship I'm desensitized to that kind of thing, but it was worth it to have something to hold over his head later. And despite his remarks about my sweater he keeps stealing glances at me in the neon lights, like he's checking to make sure I'm still here, like he's trying to make sure nothing has gone disastrously wrong yet. Or maybe he just likes what he sees. That, um, that could be it too. I like what I see too. His already disheveled hair is a complete mess by now, I can tell he's exhausted after tonight but he's still smiling warmly, still enjoying himself. I haven't screwed things up, not yet anyway.

Oh, that's right. I'd been so caught up in the rush of the crowd, all the bright lights and noises and exotic smells, I'd forgotten to worry about stuff like that. I'd begun our date sure that I was going to do something to mess everything up, that I would say the wrong thing or not know how to react, but he'd been with me every step of the way. I'm glad we didn't just go to the movies, I probably would have slept through half of it and you can't really get to know someone better while doing something like that anyway.

Here, under the moonlight and the blinking signs that color the few clouds still lingering in the sky, here is where it all hits me for the first time. I won the game, the battle I've been waging in my sleep for a whole year. This boy showed up out of thin air, and here we are, just a little over a month later, sitting together like this. I can't believe it. My life has changed more in the time since Hisao arrived than in the six months before. And I don't regret it one bit.

I look over at the boy sitting beside me on a bench. It's starting to get late, and we're both completely worn out, but tonight has been so much fun. I never did find a prize that would rival the dinosaur that he gave me at the festival, but we rode so many rides, ate some really great food, we laughed and teased eachother and blushed when someone had offered to take our picture together. Now Hisao sits, gazing up at the stars, a faint smile still perched on his lips.
I let myself sink sideways, perching my head on his shoulder. It feels natural by now, it feels good. He doesn't even start, instead just turning his head to look at me.

“Hisao?” I mumble quietly. I have to get this out, the moment is just right.

“Hmm?”

Don't screw this up, a tiny little voice calls to me from somewhere inside. But I'm just too tired to get worked up right now, the words flow straight from my mind to my lips.

“Thank you. For coming to Yamaku.”

He stares at me as if those were words he had never expected to hear in his life. After a few long moments, he opens his mouth to speak, but just then the sound of fireworks going off steals both our attention. I turn to look and end up sliding sideways until my head is in his lap. Hisao glances down at me for a moment, still at a loss for words, before retuning his gaze to the sky, now lit up by a dazzling display of explosions. Fireworks of every color light up the night sky, drowning out even the bright glow of the amusement park. I lay there, my head nestled in Hisao's lap, and can't help but be reminded of the firework show from Yamaku's festival, the one that we didn't get to spend together because we barely knew eachother and my parents showed up. This is almost like getting a second chance at that, in fact, a lot of the fireworks seem to be the same type as back then too.

After a few minutes of watching the exploding sky, Hisao looks back down at me, the look in his eyes... I can't quite place it. He looks... happy, and grateful, and tired but so very alive at the same time somehow. I stare back, and I start to feel something, something way down in the back of my chest.

Is this...?

No, I can't say it. It's just too corny. But maybe.. could this be?

Am I falling in love? Are we falling in love?

Is that what we're doing?

Is that how this works?

“Suzu, I'm... I mean, I'm really glad...” He trails off. That snappy, playfully sarcastic Hisao has made a full retreat now. What's left is the real Hisao, I think. The one underneath whatever bandages and casts and whatever other barriers sprang up around his heart when he was in the hospital. This is Hisao, maybe not the person he was before, but nothing like the one I met not so long ago. Maybe he'll never be the old Hisao again.

Maybe he'll be someone better.

“I'm glad I met you.” He says, and I know he means every word. He leans his head downward, and I move mine upwards to meet him. What comes next feels natural, feels normal. But I check just to make sure.

“This is the part where we kiss, right?” I whisper, his face mere inches from mine.

“Yeah.” Hisao smiles weakly. “Yeah, it is.”

I close my eyes. I feel his lips gently meet mine and--

“Suzu?”



“Suzu?” The voice calls again. It's muted and muffled, like I'm hearing it from a great distance away.

“Suzu. Hey, wake up.” I feel a hand gently shaking me. Slowly and with great effort, I open my eyes.

Hisao is standing there, looking down at me with a bemused smile.

“Hey.” He says. “Come on, we're going to miss the movie. Don't make me carry you.”

The... the movie? What? But we were just... we were just about to...

Did I fall asleep at the amusement park and miss the entire ride home? Is that what...?

I slowly look around, drawing a complete blank. I'm in the common room of the girls' dormitory, slumped in one of the chairs. The other students are gone, but Hisao is there, watching me curiously.

“Suzu? Are you alright?” He asks. I stare back at him, my mind still empty. I don't understand, how did?

Oh.

Oh, that's. It was.

No. No no no.

No. Please.

“Hey, hey.” Hisao moves a little closer, his face a mask of concern.

“Another bad dream?” He asks.

My mouth falls open. A bad dream? That was... that was the happiest I've been in... and we were just about to...

I feel wet, hot tears spill down my face. No warning, no buildup, it just happens. One minute I'm staring at him in incomprehension and the next I'm sobbing and sniffling like an idiot. I should have known. The sudden change in plans, how he was so vague about whether he'd been there before. How familiar the rides and the fireworks were, even the faces of my classmates showing up and then disappearing. It was all a dream, the entire thing.

I can't stop crying.

Through the haze of tears I see Hisao frowning. See, I managed to screw things up after all. All he wanted was a nice date in town and now... and now...

But Hisao doesn't seem upset at all. He leans in closer and, slowly, gently, reaches forward. With one hand, he brushes the hair from my forehead, and with the other, he wipes away a tear just as it's about to run down my cheek.

He looks me straight in the eyes, and slowly speaks in a calm, quiet voice.

“Oh god, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.” He says, reciting the words with practiced ease.

Ha. Ha ha. More Shakespeare. That's... that line is...

The next thing I know, my lips are on his, and we're kissing. It's an act of desperation, of fear, all those moments we just had together at the theme park never happened, never existed, and I'm terrified that I'll never be able to get those emotions back, that I'll never be able to get things that right again. Hisao kisses back, a little unsteadily, a little uncertainly. But not reluctantly.

When we finally pull apart, I remember that I might have been ready for this but Hisao almost certainly wasn't. “I'm sorry.” I moan, my face flushed and red and still wet with tears that haven't stopped. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”

“Don't apologize.” Hisao says softly. He moves forward and carefully squeezes into the chair beside me. He's wearing that uncomfortable expression that says he's not sure if he's crossing some boundary, but he reaches out and gently puts his arms around me. I curl up next to him, burying my head in his shoulder.

This is... this is the real Hisao too. I might have dreamed those moments underneath that sky blazing with fireworks, but the person I felt those things for is still there, he's right next to me, holding on to me tightly. Some part of me says that I can do it, that I can get that feeling back. Just don't give up, Suzu. Just don't give up.

We stay like that, clinging to eachother, until my tears stop and, eventually, sleep takes me again.



End of Act 2.