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Okay honey. I'm going to be brutally honest with you. I've been holding back for a long time. You will not like what I have to say and that's okay by me. If you decide to not talk to me for a while or forever, that's fine as well. I'd rather not lose your friendship because you are my best friend in the whole world, but I need to say get this out of my system and you need to hear it.

You are throwing yourself a pity party. You aren't doing what you need to do to be happy. You are /destroying/ yourself to try and make this bullshit with Alec work and then you're feeling so sorry for yourself thinking about what happens if it doesn't that you are immediately giving up on something that makes you extremely happy and fulfilled just because you're afraid. I know how that feels. I do. I've been through the same shit. I was with my abusive ex for the same reason for over two fucking years. But then I was strong enough to realize that I am better than that, that I deserve better than that. That I'm a diamond in the rough and I was going to find that person or persons that makes me fucking happy and holy fucking shit I think I've found it.

Yes, you're married, but that honestly doesn't mean shit. Polyamory is popular in the Lifestyle. If you allow yourself to open your mind to the possibilities, you can find that person who will fulfill you. Who will make you happy. That person is NOT Alec. I can guaren-fucking-tee that. You put yourself through his bullshit because you're afraid of not finding that person but you CAN. You keep putting yourself down in order to keep yourself from hoping for more. You can't fucking do that though or else you're going to drive yourself crazy.

You /need/ to force yourself to have more hope. Instead of instantly giving up. Instead of not /allowing/ yourself to at least try.

And, personally, I'm getting tired of trying to be there for you through all of this. I'm never going to leave your side if you'll keep me, but I am so tired of seeing you destroy yourself. It hurts me. It hurts me so much to see my best fucking friend in this situation and not letting herself to find something better. I'm fucking sobbing as I'm typing this because I'm fucking terrified that sending this will make you leave me, but I can't sit by and watch you hurt yourself over and over for someone who doesn't give a fuck.

If you aren't going to help yourself, how the fuck can I help you? I can't give you the same advice over and over and over again if you aren't going to listen to me. I just can't. It makes me feel like you don't care about what I'm saying. That what I'm saying doesn't fucking matter.

I'm going to send this and then I'm going to go on dnd and take some time to myself to calm down. You need to think about what you truly, truly want and how you can get it because, so far, you're just killing yourself slowly and I can't stand by and watch.