dave sticks his dick in a toaster

"You're hopeless."

Karkat shot a dirty look at the offending human, growling reflexivly. "SHUT UP, STRIDER, IT ISN'T MY FAULT YOU DUMBFUCK HUMANS THOUGHT COOKING THINGS IN...IN..." Gesturing wildly, Karkat pointed toward the small toaster. "I MEAN HOW HIGH DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO BE TO COME UP WITH THIS SHIT? REALLY."

"Look, you wanted your goddamn pop-tarts, you are getting your pop-tarts." True to his word, Dave was perched atop the kitchen counter, next to a ridiculous pile of blackened strudels. "I don't even know how you manage to fuck it up so badly, it's just a dial and a...oh, jesus christ, Karkat."

The troll opted to ignore Dave, grabbing a remaining fire extinguisher and blasting the smoking, sparking appliance. Once he was certain the fire was extinguished, he tossed the useless machine over his shoulder and grabbed a new one.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK IT WOULD BE JUST AS PRODUCTIVE FOR YOU TO SHOVE YOUR BULGE INTO ONE OF THESE...THINGS.", Karkat hissed.

Dave cocked an eyebrow. "Is that a challenge?"

"SURE. HUMOR ME."

As Karkat bent down to grab another pop-tart, he heard Dave shoosh-pap the fresh toaster off the counter above him. Swearing, the cancer bent up only to find Dave standing before him, arms crossed, pants down, toaster placed firmly atop his sizable dick.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD."

"You asked for it, dumbass. And a Strider never lets challenges go unwon."

"OK, JESUS FUCK, JUST REMOVE IT."

Just then, Terezi walked into the room, with her usual toothy grin. "Hey, coolkid, have you seen..." Wait. She stopped, sniffed, and suddenly blushed furiously upon noticing the unusual amount of pink flesh on display. Dave, seeing his not-really-but-kind-of-a-girlfriend lighting up like a greenish Christmas tree, instantly went hard.

"Oh, fuck. Way to go, Terezi."

"Dave, is there...-sniff-...a cooking appliance on your bone bulge?"

"YES. YES, THERE IS, AND IT IS NOT BEING REMOVED, WHICH IS A FUCKING PROBLEM."

"God, Karkat, I'm doing it. Hold on."

Dave tugged. Nothing. Looking down, he realized that his expanded member had become fully wedged in the toaster. Pausing to block out Terezi's cackling and Karkat's rage, he thought of all the boner-killing things his teenage boy mind could come up with. Dead babies. Old people. The old lady next to his apartment. Naked. With Bro. Bro naked. Bro naked with smuppets. Smuppets being rammed up the old lady's ok why did he actually find that kind of arousing god damnit.

Face set in stone, as always, he turned to the trolls. "Welp."

---

"Dave, what the hell?!"

After it had become apparent that the toaster was not coming off, Karkat had been forced to call down some of the others. And by "some", he meant all; fifteen bemused and/or shocked and/or disturbed teenagers were now in the room, trying to figure out how to fix the situation.

"Jesus, Harley, it's not the end of the goddamn world. This toaster just knows it's place in life, and wants nothing more to please it's God-given master."

"The toaster," Jade dully remarked, "is stuck on your penis."

John giggled. Rose smacked him with a pillow.

"As humorous as the situation is, it would be in our best interests to free Dave of his...problem." Rose raised a hand to her forehead, trying to block out the impending migraine. "It's likely that he cannot use his time travel powers in his current state, which rules that out."

"No can do. Thirteen mes is enough, and while I'm sure the universe is just begging for more, I can't say I'm especially fond of going back and making another split timeline just because of a clingy appliance."

Aradia nodded. "On top of that, there is no way to tell what the effects of time travel with an affixed object would entail. It is probable that doing so would cause his...goods...to become detatched in the time slip. He would be fine, of course, but we would have to deal with a disembodied time-cloned phallus."

At this point, John had to excuse himself from the conference on account of laughing so hard he pissed himself.

"If I may." Equius stepped forward, looking the teenager up and down. "I may be able to disassemble the object. However, I can not guarantee it to be a comfortable experience; it would likely require an arc welder. I may be able to simply pull it off; I am very STRONG, you know, and-"

"NO."

"...Very well." Equius slunk back and tried to make himself look smaller.

"Right. Ok," Dave remarked, "we need a plan that will keep the little Dave intact. Pulling is out of the question. Any other ideas from the peanut gallery?"

An uneasy silence fell across the room.

Tavros cleared his throat. "We could, uh, do a medical procedure."

--

Dave was lying down on a cold, hard slab of metal. His clothes had been discarded with the exception of his sunglasses, and a smudged white blanket was the only thing keeping him modest. The veil had no hospital, so it was the closest they could do.

"The esteemed Doctor Cat reaches for her doctory clipboard!"

Grabbing the clipboard full of blank paper, Nepeta leaned down and examed the toaster. Relatively-clean white gloves covered her paws, and a surgical mask stretched across her wide-eyed face. "She sees that the purroblem is on the patient's waist, and purrpares to begin her work!"

Behind her, Terezi lifted up a set of vaugely-toolish sharp metal objects. "The nurse is ready to perform the operation!"

Dave rolled his eyes. "This is stupid."

"Shh! The doctor must focus on her patient!" Nepeta squinted. "The doctor requests a...purroby thing!"

"The nurse proudly presents her with a proby thing!" Terezi handed her a dull piece of metal.

Nepeta quickly began her work, prodding at Dave's dick and tugging gently. Every so often, she would request another tool from Terezi. After a half hour of prodding, tugging, and at one point licking, the two girls stepped into the makeshift waiting room. John, Jade and Karkat were sitting on rusty chairs, John looking genuinely distressed and the others half-asleep.

"OK, AS STUPID AS THIS IS, DID YOU MANAGE TO GET ANYWHERE?"

Nepeta sadly shook her head.

Jade facepalmed. "Well, then, on to Plan C. What was Plan C, anyway?"

"THAT WAS PLAN C, DUMPASS."

---

Four hours later, the group stood in the dining room. Dave was still naked, with the toaster still attached firmly to his junk. John cleared his throat. "Ok, what's the status on the plans?"

Rose looked down at the long list of paper in her hands. "Tavros?"

"It, uh, didn't work. We tried to make some sick fires, but, uh, they weren't sick enough."

"HOW THE FUCK IS RAPPING SUPPOSED TO GET THE WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS OFF? I SERIOUSLY CANNOT THINK OF A STUPIDER PLAN."

Rose scratched "Tavros" off the list. "Gamzee?"

"No gO, My SiStEr. ThE mIrThFuL mEsSiAhS cOuLdN't HeLp. BuT tHeY dId FiNd Me A fAyGo!" The juggalo took a happy swig from his bottle. "MoThErFuCkIn' MiRaClEs."

"OK, TAVROS, I TAKE THAT BACK. YOU GOT LUCKY TODAY."

Scritch. Rose looked up. "Kanaya?"

The jadeblood shrugged. "My plan was to use my natural abilities as a rainbow drinker to drain his erect bulge of it's fluids, causing it to deflate. Dave insisted we abort such a plan in the preliminary stages."

An awkward silence befell the room. "Right. Ok." Rose scratched Kanaya's name from the list.

"FUCK. YOU'RE ALL USELESS."

"Well, there is one thing left to try."

Everyone turned to look at Jade, who had quite possibly the darkest, most deliciously evil look on her face that anyone had ever seen from her.

"No. No, Harley, we are not doing it." Dave glared at her.

John coughed. "It...It would work, though!"

"NO, Egbert."

"FUCK KNOWS IT'D BE THE EASIEST WAY TO DO IT."

Dave looked around. Everyone seemed to have silently agreed, and while he normally would have battled tooth and nail, he knew that there really was no other choice.

"Welp", he sighed, "let's just get it over with."

---

Dave grit his teeth. He was using every ounce of Bro's training to ignore the searing pain going through his nether regions. Beside him, the others watched anxiously.

"Just a little more, Dave!" Jade was the closest, staring intently at the warm toaster next to her.

Sweat was beading down Dave's forehead. He had been through hot summers at home with no air conditioning. His planet was composed mostly of lava. He was going to endure this, and he would prove to the others - to himself - that Dave Stride never backs down.

The room was filling with the smell of heated flesh. In the corner sat John, staring intently at the electrical outlet. Karkat had an incredibly smug look on his face, and Dave made a mental image to punch his teeth in once this was all said and done.

Finally, after four minutes and thirty seconds of excrutiating pain...

DING

The toaster happily popped Dave's golden-brown dick out of the slot.

There was a collective sigh of relief, as everybody wandered off to do their own things. Dave sat, cradling his crispy cock in both hands, when Karkat walked up and slapped him on the back.

"FUCK, STRIDER."

Tossing a card into the Knight's lap, Karkat sauntered off to watch a movie. Dave quickly captchalouged the ointment card and shuffled off, eager to soak his cooked member in cool water. There had been a silent agreement amongst the kids and trolls to never speak of the incident again, and Dave was more than willing to uphold such a deal.

Nobody ate pop-tarts for a good week.