Lizard People, Dear Reader
A Wandering Inn Fan "Fiction" by MidniteLulz


The Academy of Wistram is known by all to be the home of the best, most powerful, and coolest spells. But the most epic of spells had long been lost to time, locked in the forbidden upper halls of Wistram by [Archmage] Zelkyr, under penalty of robot death.

It is within these hoary halls that we find a figure steeped in legend, one presumed long dead, a living pinnacle of knowledge, the ancient Drake [Archmage], Zelkyr himself, as he rifles through a cabinet. Zelkyr searches in vain for some time, before leaning back and sighing, a frown creasing his already wrinkled scales. Drakes don't usually get wrinkles, but even the most disciplined complexions bows before the endless onslaught of getting really old. Zelkyr's wizened wizard maw opened, and issuing forth from the very seat of reptilian magic he lets loose an utterance of great, and irrevocable power.

"Fuck," Zelkyr swore, closing the cabinet. He looked about the empty kitchen, strewn as it was with pots, pans, bowls, and absolutely no sign of food. "Fuck," he repeated.

It was a horrible situation for our hero Zelkyr. Despite the great surplus of magical secrets, not a one of them was food. The limitless stockpiles of food that he had stored away through the years had indeed revealed themselves to be not so limitless, after all. It was time, after what must have been hundreds and hundreds of years, and dozens and dozens of months, for him to restock his supplies. This is the story, of the greatest wizard who ever lived, a mighty being with so much magic contained that it oozes from his very pores. This is the story of his quest, the story, of a food run, the story of destiny having sloppy makeouts with fate. The story of...


Archmage Zelkyr and the Headmaster's Pudding


Zelkyr coughed as he dismissed his [Aspect of Neely] spell. It was always good for a bit of gravitas, but despite the fact that he was in fact headed downward, gravitas was the least of what he needed. He'd need discretion, if he was to gather up his snacks without being bugged by a bunch of the younger mages. His last few months had been spent studying the mysterious relic he had uncovered. It was a disappointing fact that his grand stores of food had finally run out. He made his way down the Grand Staircase, towards the Party Room. His journey was cut off by a gargoyle, who handed him a note.

Zelkyr glanced over it.

"Cognita says not to enter the Party Room, because she is currently entertaining?"

He looks up at the delivering stone golem. "You get a look at the group she's entertaining?" He asked. The Golem merely shrugged in response.

"Nothing special, I expect." Zelkyr sniffs, crumpling the note up and tossing it to the side, where a spider with a maid tiara instantly sweeps it into a dustbin.

"Come on, gargoyle. Let's go get some food."

Zelkyr changes course, for the hidden secret passage into the upper levels. He exits into the Wistram Academy Gym, sliding aside a poster to enter into the room, which is covered in a centuries-thick layer of dust. He maneuvers around the various workout machines (Don't worry, gentle reader, for while Erin did invent dumbells and barbells, it has been millenia since the discovery of the Bowflex), and leaves the room, chuckling to himself.

"The Mess Hall still in the same place?" Zelkyr asks the small gargoyle. It pauses for a moment, then points down a hallway, and starts hopping in that direction. Zelkyr follows, looking about the hallways as he goes. It's been centuries since he's seen the lower floors, and his mind spins with thoughts.

"Wouldn't have gone with a mauve." he opines, lifting the corner of a pennant judgementally between two claws. "Very unbecoming."

They travelled for a ways, before the gargoyle seemed to consider something, and stopped, turning towards Zelkyr. He gestured towards Zelkyr's "all of him." The [Archmage] paused, interpreting the golem's gestures, before realization hit him.

"Ah, yes. I doubt I would quite blend in, would I?"  Zelkyr lifted his claws and made a few arcane gestures.

"[Superior Disguise Self]," he cast, and magic streamed forth to envelop him in a shimmering cloud. When it faded, he was left, largely unchanged, but for a backwards baseball cap on his head, and a "HOMEWORK SUCKS" T-shirt worn over his robes. He carried a skateboard over his shoulder, and a wallet chain hung from his robe's lowest pocket.

"This ought to do it." Zelkyr mused, admiring his handiwork. The gargoyle stiffly nodded with delight, and the two of them continued into the great hall.

"Hello, fellow students." He said, waving as he entered the hall. A few people looked up at his greeting, but nobody cared to respond. "So far, so good." He muttered to the gargoyle. He casually walked to the table and playfully shoved the contents into his bag of holding. A student rose as their meal was swept into his bag.

"Hey, I was ea-"
"[Greater Amnesia]," Zelkyr cast nonchalantly, pointing a finger at the student. The student sat back down, dazed.

"Who am I?" he muttered, as Zelkyr relieved him of his cooler-looking magical artifacts, and continued scooping food into the bag.

"Hm. not enough," observed the [Archmage], poring through his haul, "We'll have to go directly to the kitchens." He looked up and found a friendly-looking dullahan mage, eating at a table nearby. He approached her, smiling in a friendly manner.

"Hi there! Could you point me in the direction of the kitchen, or the larder?"

Beatrice looked up at him. "I haven't seen you here before. Are you a new arrival?"

"Yeah, okay." Zelkyr responded, shrugging, "Where's the kitchen?"

Beatrice chuckled, "Well, I can't just tell you that for free. You see, here at Wistram, secrets are -"

"[Greater Dosh]".

Beatrice's explanation was cut off by the heavy bass sounds of Zelkyr slamming a briefcase full to bursting of gold coins on the table.

"Here's my newsletter." She finished, handing him a small booklet which was entitled, "All of the secrets I know." Zelkyr started thumbing through it as Beatrice peeked at the coins. First few pages didn't say anything about the kitchen, but one of the more recent entries was at least something interesting.

"Oh, they're teaching [Necromancers] here again?"

Beatrice shook her head. "Just one. That guy, over there." She gestured over to Pisces, who was eating alone at a nearby table, reading a book. Zelkyr glanced at him, before turning back to her. "So, the kitchen?"

"Through the door marked Kitchen," Beatrice said, pointing behind him.

Zelkyr turned, spotting the doors, and gestured for the gargoyle to follow him. They entered the kitchen, and in a flurry of spells and movement, the chefs evacuated, in various states of awareness, states of body shape, and states of matter.


After several minutes of concerted effort, Zelkyr had lain a [Refrigerator] sideways, and had it full with several maxed out Bags of Holding, along with whatever else he could pile on top. A length of chain wrapped around it, and onto the gargoyle, who struggled to move it. Zelkyr added his own pittance of effort, but it clearly wouldn't be moved by the industrious golem alone.

Zelkyr considered his options. He could either put in effort, or...

"You there!" Zelkyr shouted, to a passing Centaur.

"Uh, me?" Calvaron asked, walking to the strange [Refrigerator] sleigh.

"Yes," said Zelkyr, "You look like you're good at carrying things. You want to help me move this?"

Calvaron crossed his arms. "What, because I'm a Centaur?"

Zelkyr nodded. "I need to get this back to the Upper Levels. I'm [Archmage] Zelkyr, by the way." He extended a hand to Calvaron to shake.

Calvaron merely snorted. "You expect me to believe that?"

"Yes." Cognita said, from behind Calvaron. Calvaron jumped slightly, and turned to face her. "This is [Archmage] Zelkyr." She verified, gesturing towards the disguised drake.

Calvaron stared at his hands, gesturing furtively as he tried to make sense of the situation. "But, you said that Zelkyr died!"

"Hashtag pranked" Cognita said with a smile, while Zelkyr repeatedly high-fived her.

"Okay, but seriously, do you want to come to the upper floors, or not? I need somebody to haul this."

Calvaron gaped at him. "I absolutely want to come to the upper floors, but... well, can I say goodbye to my friends first? And... Beatrice..."

Zelkyr sighed, and waved his hands in a mystical way.

"[Absolute Copy]," he cast, and Calvaron split down the middle, before popping into two identical copies.

"What the hell?" They both said, in unison.

"It's a spell, [Absolute Copy]." Zelkyr explained, "It creates a perfect duplicate of you, with all of your thoughts, memories, and imperfections. It even has a soul." He held up a pickle jar filled with a glowing substance, with a label reading "SOULS" slapped over the normal label, by means of demonstration, before putting the jar away.

"The fake one..." he paused, pointing at the two of them, before seemingly arbitrarily picking the left one, "That one. He'll stay behind."

Calvaron examined his duplicate. "You mean, he'll pretend to be me, and live my life out in my stead?"

Zelkyr shrugged. "Sure, okay. Now, let's get going."

Cognita made a noise as if she were clearing her throat.

"[Archmage], the main entrance may be a bit difficult to get through, on account of the recent attempt to breach the upper floors."

Zelkyr sagged, "Ah, right. The party. Well... looks like we need a distraction then. Have the centaur here take the fridge up near the upper floors, I'll be back."

"My name is Calvaron, sir!" Calvaron corrected.

"Don't care." Zelkyr stated, walking back into the mess hall.

Zelkyr sat down next to Pisces, who looked up at him, vaguely suspicious and offended.

"Can I help you?" He asked, in a tone that suggested that he was not in a particularly helpful mood. Zelkyr grinned a smile as he nodded, before suddenly placing his hand on Pisces' forehead.

"[Best Hypnosis]," He cast. Pisces slumped into his chair, instantly in a state of half-consciousness.

"Uh, okay, I need a distraction. Do a ghost or something." Zelkyr ordered.

"I was going to... get Archmage Nekhret's bones..." Pisces murmured. Zelkyr laughed.

"Shit son, that's even more hardcore than a ghost. Yeah, do that. I didn't even need to use the mana, did I?"

Zelkyr dismissed his spell, and brushed off his robes as Pisces rushed from the room. With a twist of his nose, Zelkyr teleported back to Calvaron, who was dragging the fridge up a flight of stairs while Cognita watched him.

"Couldn't you... have had Cognita do this? She's much stronger than me." Calvaron grunted, hauling with both arms on the chain.

"Yes," Zelkyr said, eating a roll he had stolen from Pisces' plate, "I could have."

He peeked out the door at the top of the stairwell. "Should be any time now..."

As if on cue, horrendous screams began to echo down the hallways as Calvaron reached the top of the steps.

"What is that?" He asked, alarmed.

"A distraction." Zelkyr explained, as he ushered Calvaron through the viscera-soaked Party Room, and into the Upper Floors in earnest.

Calvaron stared in awe at the Upper Floors, each tome promising untold secrets, each shelf a lifetime worth of study.

"I can't believe I'm here." he whispered.

"Yeah, okay," Zelkyr said dismissively, "Do whatever you want, just stay out of my way and don't go in my room. Also, you can never leave, on penalty of robot death."

Calvaron glanced at Cognita, who picked up a stone figure of dachsund and squeezed it in her fist, revealing it had become so much dust, and a stone figure of a chihuahua. Calvaron gulped.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have important business to attend to." Zelkyr announced, heading back to his room.

Deep within, The Relic called to him, sending its faint nimbus of light into the darkness of the chamber. Bowl of pudding in hand, Zelkyr moved over to it, activating its ancient powers, and using the skills he had built up over the decades to interface with its arcane symbols and strange aspects.

He sat down into his chair while he manipulated the Relic, before speaking aloud:

"Okay, boys. Where we dropping? Tilted Towers?"

Far below, in the body of Wistram itself, there were all sorts of scary ghosts going on, but up above, there was only the pinnacle of magic, the legendary figure in the flesh, Archmage Zelkyr.

And a horse boy.