Avengers: Endgame (FULL FUCKING SPOILERS)

Movie opens with Clint teaching his daughter how to use a bow and arrow while his family is preparing a picnic of sorts. His whole family gets fucking dusted.

Tony and Nebula keep their sanity by playing paper football on the Benatar, but oxygen is about to run out. Tony leaves a message for Pepper. Captain Marvel just comes out of nowhere and guides the ship to Earth. Tony reunites with Pepper and Cap.

Tony freaks out, gets angry at Cap, and collapses. He gets put on a sedative. Thanos has used the stones and the others resolve to kick his ass now that his location is known. They ambush him on his garden planet. Thor cuts off his arm, but the gauntlet has no stones. Thanos admits that he destroyed them so that the work cannot be undone. Thor angrily decapitates him.

Five years later, people are moving on. Cap and Banner join a self-help group. Captain Marvel, Rocket and War Machine are helping around the world. Thor has gone away.

In San Francisco, a rat reactivates the Quantum Realm in Scott’s van and spits him out. He finds his name at the snap memorial and not Cassie’s. He finds that Cassie has grown up. Scott makes the trip to the Avenger’s facility and brings the good news: Time travel is possible.

Scott, Cap and Nat go to meet Tony. He now lives on a small ranch next to a lake with his daughter, Morgan, and his wife, Pepper. Tony refuses to help because he believes that time travel is bullshit, and that he has a second chance with his wife and daughter. They go to Banner instead, who is now a combination of Banner and Hulk after working for 18 months with gamma radiation to merge the two. Tony, in the meantime, has been simulating methods of time travel and finds one that has a 99.987% chance of success. Hulk and Rocket go to New Asgard to retrieve Thor (now living with Korg and Miek, and the Asgardian refugees, and Valkyrie), who resists going back, but changes his mind because of the prospect of beer. He ends up looking like a literal 30 yr old boomer.

Tony hightails it back to the facility and rejoins the Avengers. Scott mentions that there’s only enough Pym particles to make one round trip each. They therefore split into three teams: Tony, Steve, Hulk and Scott will go to 2012 to retrieve the Mind, Space, and Time Stones. Thor and Rocket will go to 2013 to retrieve the Aether. Nebula and War Machine will go to 2014 with Clint and Natasha, who drop them off on Morag to retrieve the Power Stone. Clint and Natasha then go to Vormir to retrieve the Soul Stone.

Thor has a breakdown because he’s encountering his mother, so Rocket slaps him out of it. Rocket finds Jane and removes the Aether from her. Thor has a heart-to-heart with his mother, who knows he’s from the future. They manage to leave unharmed.

In 2012, Stark, Cap, and Lang plan to steal the Scepter and the Tesseract, while Bruce goes to steal the Time Stone from the Ancient One. Bruce reasons with her that he can prevent catastrophic errors in the timeline if they put all the stones back, but she refuses to give him the stone. But when Bruce mentions that Strange (whom she is aware of, meaning she knew about him in advance) gave Thanos the Time Stone, she knows that something is up and gives up the Time Stone. Cap pretends to be working for Hydra and acquires the Scepter. Ant-Man gives 2012 Tony a heart attack, and present Tony takes the Tesseract, but loses it accidentally. Loki then picks up the Tesseract and escapes. Cap runs into his 2012 self and fights him, but manages to put him to sleep with the Scepter.

Nebula and War Machine wait for Quill to arrive and knock him out. At the same time, however, 2014 Nebula and present Nebula become entangled, therefore sharing memories. Thanos and Ebony Maw scan her memory and find footage of the Avengers plotting to take the stones. He sets a course for Morag. War Machine retrieves the Power Stone and gets back to the present, but Nebula suffers entanglement problems. She winds up being abducted by Thanos.

Clint and Natasha make it to Vormir and meet the Red Skull. He gives them the old “soul for a soul” talk. Clint and Natasha fight for who should sacrifice themselves, with Natasha winning and freeing herself from Clint’s grasp. Clint, in agony, gets the Soul Stone.

Back in 2012, Tony figures out a new plan. He and Cap will go to 1970, get Pym particles and the Tesseract, and make it back. Scott is left to return home. We get the Stan Lee cameo. Cap and Tony split up at the battalion where Captain America trained at. Cap goes to get Pym particles and runs into Peggy. Tony gets the Tesseract and meets his own father, but doesn’t let him know. Howard’s wife is already expecting Tony, and they have a heart to heart talk about raising children. Also, JARVIS is named after Howard’s butler.

On Thanos’ ship, 2014 Nebula disguises herself as present Nebula, steals her Pym particles, and travels back to the future to bring Thanos to 2023. Everybody else also returns. Banner is horrified to learn about Nat’s death. All six stones are put in a special gauntlet that Banner puts on, but the power burns his arm badly. He does, however, snap his fingers and bring the dusted back. Nebula, in the meantime, uses the quantum tunnel to bring Thanos to the future. He destroys the Avengers facility. And everybody survives somehow.

Thanos is beamed down with 2014 Nebula, who is sent to look for the stones. Thanos waits for Tony, Cap and Thor, while Clint escapes with the gauntlet and fights his way past Chitauri. He unknowingly gives the gauntlet to 2014 Nebula. At the same time, 2014 Gamora learns that present Nebula and her become siblings. 2014 Gamora, knowing what Thanos is going to do, sides with present Nebula. They find Clint and 2014 Nebula, the latter of whom is killed.

Thanos fights Thor, Cap and Tony, and holds his own very well. Thanos reveals his new plan: Lay waste to the entire universe, and start a brand new one. Cap hears Sam in his ear, and all the sorcerers, Wong, and Strange open portals, bringing every dusted character to the battlefield. Valkyrie and her army of winged horses, the Wakandan tribes, the Guardians, everybody. Thanos brings in his soldiers, the Chitauri, and his children. Cap finally says the magic words and the fight begins.

Scott and Hope plot to take the stones back to their time through the quantum tunnel in the van. This leads to gauntlet hot potato with Clint, Black Panther, Spider-Man, and Captain Marvel, who arrives late to destroy Thanos’ ship. However, the gauntlet ends back up in Thanos hands and the van is destroyed. Captain Marvel is able to hold her own and prevent the universe-destroying snap, but is ultimately defeated. In a last-ditch attempt, Tony tries to wrestle the gauntlet away, but is tossed aside, and Thanos snaps his fingers.

Except…his gauntlet is missing all the stones.

Tony’s arm armor retracts to show a Stark gauntlet, containing all the stones. He says “I am Iron Man,” and snaps his fingers. Thanos, his army, his children, and the ships are dusted. Tony is crippled using the Gauntlet. Pepper says he can rest, and his arc reactor dies out.

His funeral is held at his house, and the “Proof That Tony Stark Has a Heart” arc reactor is left floating in the lake. Everybody shows up to attend: The Avengers, the Guardians, even that kid from Iron Man 3. Hulk and Cap work together to return the stones. Cap, however, does not immediately return, but has gone to live in the past with Peggy, finally getting that date and the dance. He arrives naturally in the present, old and married, and gives his shield to Falcon. Thor gives Valkyrie control over New Asgard and joins the (As)Guardians of the Galaxy.
There are no mid/post-credit scenes.