We’re all in hiding, in the very underbelly of the laboratory.  It’s something of a basement, dark, cold and silent, but it’s served us well for the time being.  Kanaya has arranged a few tables for us, to keep us in order, I offered to help, because even if it’s small, a tiny bit of order sounds like heaven at the moment.
	I’m sitting in the back, behind Equius and Nepeta.   Nepeta is so brave, I wish I could be like her, but since we’ve been down here she hasn’t for one moment released her morail, and he’s been patient with her, I think I caught him nuzzling her hair once.  Deep in my stomach I wished someone was there for me to hold, but that wasn’t the case and there was no use whining about it.  I simply kept to myself and listened to the flustered rant that was supposed to be Karkat’s plan of action.  None of us believed him, but…the effort was sweet so no one stopped him, no matter how annoying his voice was becoming.
	He’s pretty much screaming now, but I can’t hear him.  I’ve hardly heard a word since I’ve been down here.  My mind had wandered to parts unknown and although I have no idea where it’s gone, I know that I am afraid…and oh god I wish we could just be free and safe…
	There’s a sound and everyone jumps, even Karkat goes silent.  We wait…no sound and just as a glimmer of being comfortable again rises to the surface there’s a banging sound, and indisputable honk and as hard as we wish and pray, each and every one of us knows that we’ve been found out.
	He drops from the ceiling like a bomb and fortunately Karkat manages to spring to the side to avoid him.  He slides into the tables and scrambles to his feet hastily.
	Gamzee’s in front now, he rises to his feet and turns to look at us, a horrible, lustful look in his eye and we know that he wants to hurt all of us… He wants to see us crying in pain for help.  My heart skips  a beat and I go stiff, everyone is silent as no one is foolish enough to take this demon on anymore.
	Gamzee turns to us, he’s unarmed and smiling in an almost endearing way, but none of us are to be fooled.   “Hi motherfuckers.”  He waves an arm and the lids to his eyes droop.
	None of us can work up the courage to respond, he’s got our weapons and supplies.  It would be stupid to try and challenge him now.
	“I’m glad I found you all.”  He continues, as though we are all eager and excited to hear his forthcoming speech.  “I’ve been all up and motherfucking looking for ya.”  He grins.  “I was hoping that all of us could be getting our fun on and hanging out for a while, I can’t be all up and motherfucking remembering the last time we got together and did something productive.”
	We all hate ourselves for our lack of action, but even Karkat’s at a loss and we just sit and wait for him to do what he will with us.
	Gamzee’s smiling now, and it makes us all so sick.  I duck my head, hoping to whatever’s out there that he won’t see me, but I continue to watch him in an almost sick fascination with his insane demeanor.

	“Alright motherfuckers.  I’m all up and proposing a game this time. No.” He catches himself and laughs on and off in a fluctuation from anger to calm.  It’s confusing so I stay locked in my seat, unable to move a muscle or find anything to say. “How about a motherfucking play!?”  He nearly jumps from his own, feigned excitement.  “Oh, yeah motherfuck now that sounds like something I’ve been up and waiting to get done with you fuckers!”  He lets loose yet another sickening laugh and we all want to run, but he’s at the door and it’s barred shut.
	“Now whichever of you brave motherfuckers is going to be all up and raising their hands first get’s to have the best parts.”  He pauses.  “And I’ll let them live a little fucking longer.”
	There’s a pause and slowly, humiliatingly, everyone raises their hands, and Gamzee looks positively ecstatic.  I, on the other hand, remain with my head low against the table, too afraid to look up and be seen.
	He calls on Nepeta first, assigned her some stupid position that would never, in any person’s right mind, be in a play, and she is silent, bravely accepting what she knows could be nothing more than a death sentence.  I wish to be as brave as she is right now.
	I lift myself from the table, there’s a knot in my throat and I feel as though I am going to cry, but I don’t and for some reason that is beyond me, I slink from the table up, toward the back and I watch….I watch this terrible display with fascination.  Gamzee moves in a surprisingly graceful manner for someone as completely unstable as we all know he is.  He’s smiling, laughing and honking and it makes me nauseus…and still the knot grows.
	“How about you Kelly…?” He calls out and my senses jerk slightly into this...semblance of a reality.  A chill goes down my spine at the sound of my name and I look over at him.  He’s watching me, intently and I’ve never been more afraid in my life.  “I didn’t see you motherfucking raise your hand.”
	My response is only silence, I can’t find a word and the knot in my throat threatens to give way to tears.  I step shakily forward and come up to him, he’s taller than me and looking down in a way that clearly names him the superior of us both.  He’s looking straight into my eyes and I feel as though I’m going to burst out crying at any moment.  Gamzee smiles and names a part, more pointless than any yet named.
	It’s sick, it’s depraved and I hate myself completely for this…but I feel jealous as I know for not raising my hand I’ve been given the tiniest, most useless part to play and I wish that I had been brave enough to do so.  Still I slink away and hide behind the nearest surface, away from everyone else.  I stand weakly and cover my ears, I don’t want to hear any more of this.
	I don’t know how long I’ve been standing there when someone approaches me.  I drop my eyes peering over to see Gamzee grinning at me, watching me.  I flinch and back away a step, but no further and wait for him to move, as I can’t even speak.

	“I heard you ain’t motherfucking happy with your part.”
	I pause, but continue to avoid looking directly at him.  He waits for a moment and I realize that he expects a response.  For fear of his wrath, I will myself to nod my head.
	“Well fuck, it’s all up and too late for that now.”  He feigns a shrug.  Everything is so fake, so unbelievable and it makes me want to throw up.
	…and yet, my heart is beating faster than it has in a long time, and it’s not entirely from fear.
	Gamzee’s honking laugh invades my ears and after a moment he’s talking again.  “Don’t be all up and worrying motherfucker.  Each and every one of us’s got our part to play.”  I’m starting to have trouble hearing again, his words are blurring in my mind and I’m losing focus again.  He’s describing what I’ll have to do and his relation to my tiny, useless part.  As if any of our parts make any sense.
	“And I’ll be all up and having to catch you like this.”  I take from the peripheral of my hearing and then his long arms are around me.
	I feel nauseous, this troll has killed our friends and I know he’s planning to kill each and every one of us at some point and…and yet…I like this feeling.
	I hate myself for even thinking such a thing, but it’s coming back and taking over my mind and…and, I’m losing control.  The knot in my throat is so tight I fear it could snap.
	I’m pulled into his chest and…I’d expect it to be cold, but it’s not…he’s still warm, nothing like the cold blooded reptile feeling I had expected.  It’s sick…and it’s wrong, but I feel almost safe, although, the feeling is unjustified.
	We’re not standing anymore, he’s leaning against the wall and I’m curled up in-between his legs with my face buried in his chest.  …he still has a heartbeat.  And…I feel safe, I like this…and I hate myself for it, but…I don’t want it to stop.
	I think I’m crying, but I don’t know, all my senses are blurred save for the feeling of touch.  I know that I was desperate for warmth, or the feeling of someone’s arms around me, but…this shouldn’t be what I’d wanted.  …and it feels as though…I’d wanted Gamzee.
	I should be killed, and somewhere in my mind I want Gamzee to stop these mind games and kill me already, but he’s not killing me, he’s not even hurting me.  He’s saying something in a low voice and although the volume changes with every sentence it’s sickly calming.  My hand reaches up to his shoulder and grabs onto it, as if it will hold me in place.
	I’ve stopped thinking and all I feel are Gamzee’s arms around me, his heartbeat, how warm he is…and how unbelievably safe I feel right now.  He’s not moving, he’s not standing up, he’s not returning to his other captives yet.  He’s staying right here, for now at least and as short lived as I know it is…I don’t want him to leave… I want him of all people to stay with me.
	…and I hate myself for it.