Sample

A Day
Consider the following:
i.	I wake up every day at 0600
ii.	On most days, the first thing I do is pee, and the second is brush my teeth
iii.	After this, I make my way downstairs
iv.	I enter the kitchen
v.	I turn our consumer deep fryer on
vi.	I then enter the basement
vii.	I then let the dogs outside
viii.	I make my way back to the kitchen
ix.	When the fryer is ready (indicated by a small green light on the control board), I choose a frozen fried good to fry.
a.	Usually, this is either chicken tenders or some sort of potato (tater-tots, steak fries, potato cakes, etc.)
x.	After choosing, I place the food in the fryer and begin the cooking process
xi.	Now, there are two options from here
a.	IF the weather is around 40 degrees out, I leave the dogs out
b.	IF the weather is colder than that, I either let them in the house or return them to the basement
xii.	After assessing the dog situation, I wait until the food is ready
xiii.	The smell of the fryer will undoubtedly fill the room
xiv.	You can learn a lot about the age of the oil by the smell of it while hot
xv.	When the food is ready, naturally, I set it above the oil to drip and dry
xvi.	When dry, or dry enough, I place it onto a prepared plate (which consists of a plate and a paper towel)
xvii.	Soon thereafter, I sit at the table and begin eating
xviii.	Often times, the food is far too hot for me to be comfortable in eating it, and yet I persist
xix.	By the time I am half way done with the food, it will have cooled to a tolerable level
xx.	By the time I am three-quarters of the way done, it will have cooled to an uncomfortably cool level
xxi.	When finished, I take the paper towel off and put the plate in the sink

It’s hard to say what will change about these from day to day. In general, most happen. Sometimes the food is replaced by leftovers, or a simple apple, or nothing at all and I don’t eat. Other days, in addition to eating, I will drink between a tablespoon and a quarter-cup of vinegar (either white wine or apple cider).
This set of events usually puts me at 0645 or 0700. If I am taking the public bus that day, I will leave home around 0745-0750. Why is this? Well, because it takes about 5-7 minutes to walk to the bus stop, and the bus is supposed to come at 0800 on the dot. Often times it’s early, and I learned early in my academic career that if I catch the next bus, I risk running late, or at the very least, not arriving to the classroom 45 minutes early.
But why? Why have I subjected myself to the academic monster? I cannot afford it, there’s no doubt about that. If there was no-one willingly handing out what amounts to free money I would not be going. But, for as disappointing as life generally is, someone is willing to hand out money. I won’t thank them, because, for every good thing they do they commit at least as many bad.
Now, I ask myself, “is it free money?” Well, I don’t have to work for it as hard as I’d have to work for other money. All I must do is say, “Yes, I will totally pay this money back.” Lo and behold, the school receives their money and I am allowed to attend classes. I do willing subject myself to this.
“Are there alternatives?” Of course. There are plenty. Beyond the obvious “go to trade school!” or “work at McDonald’s!”, there are plenty of other options. Firstly, I could simply be homeless. For as generous as my mother is, I don’t think she’d put up with me if I wasn’t in school and didn’t have a job. Secondly, I could start a business or other stream of revenue. But, it seems, this is extremely difficult. Not because I have no ideas or that I don’t have money to (which is true), but I don’t have the motivation. I’m not sure if I lack the capacity to be motivated, if it’s a learnable skill that I never learned, or that nothing is worth being motivated about. I tend to believe the latter, but it’s probably as much a cope as a valid reason.
Regardless, I am not motivated to make money. Sure, it would be nice to have. I certainly wouldn’t pass up guaranteed and easy access to money. Unfortunately, I’m neither smart enough and/or engaged enough in what’s happening to figure out what sources might lead to this access. So, what am I left with? Well, I can tell you this; several thousands of dollars in credit card and personal loan “debt”, in addition to the “debt” I take on every semester, which is about $5,000.
How do I pay? Do I pay? Will I pay?
Great questions. The shortest answer is, I did pay when I had money, but I no longer do as I have no money. At this point, my credit score is shot. If I ever cared about it, there’s nothing to care about anymore. “B-b-but you can fix it!” Yes! I could!
I have yet to so a reason why I would, though. There is no house on the market, there is no car on the road, there is no phone, no pair of shoes, no well-tailored suit, no wife and kids, no anything that I can think of that would justify my time and energy going into “fixing” my appearance to creditors.
Perhaps I’m chronically shortsighted. This is possible, I admit. Keep in mind, I view getting though each day as some sort of achievement. Every long-term goal I have had either crumbled or was too much in the realm of fantasy to ever be achievable. Is this to say I have no hope for the future at all, or ideas about what I’d like to see happen? Of course not. Just nothing strong enough to serve as motivation.
I often laugh at the thought that I’ve had the thought that I’d like to be hit by a bus fatally or something similar. Because, it’s true. My life isn’t so outwardly awful that I want to die, but it isn’t so outwardly tolerable that I want to live. This trope, this-this specter, has lived in my mind for several years now. At some points I have a wave of desire, and sometimes I err a little more to the suicidal side, but at the end of it all, this passive desire to not exist remains.
And this non-existence, I think, is something I have been trying to realize, or at least as much as I can manifest it in existence. By this I mean this: if I cannot actualize my desires, would not the next best thing be to curtail the desires? I can’t say for sure. When I’ve tried taking this a step further, and actually realizing this, I find it extremely difficult.