An Accidental Zombie (Named Ted) (2017)

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INDOXXI
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[music]

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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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[Frank] You take the skin
particles that others

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are done with, you know from
morgues, hospitals, spas.

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We repurpose them.

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Boil them down,
mix them together

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and make useful things
out of them.

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Like eyeglass cases,
fancy purses, beautiful

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lingerie, you name it,
we can make it.

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Yes, I've done some research on
the company. Very impressive.

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We're on a mission, Bonnie. It's a
mission that's worth the stink in here.

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What's that smell like to you?

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Rotting corpse
of a water buffalo maybe?

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You know what
it smells like to me?

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Smells like money.

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That noise?
It's from the basement.

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The skin boilers are down there,
in hell, as we like to call it.

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And it is hot down there.

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Things don't work out for
you up here, we'll send you

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to hell to be a boiler.
[spits]

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That was a joke, Bonnie.

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You're gonna have to
grow a sense of humor

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if you're gonna
survive around here.

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Can't really promise you're
gonna survive though, Bonnie.

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[laughs]

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[coughs]

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- Can you guess what my suit's made out of?
- Skin?

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Very good, smarty pants. A couple of old
folks moved down to the glorious afterlife

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and voilà, haute couture.

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Anyway, we're on a new program
that's working like a charm.

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We're telling the folks around
here, don't be a zombie.

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Don't be a zombie.

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I came up with that.

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It's really funny.

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Hi. Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Lee, I had a

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little accident on the
way in this morning.

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So the [indistinct] report
isn't going to be ready today.

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Little accident is what happened
the day you were born, Ted.

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I want that report on my desk
first thing Monday morning.

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You got it.

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I'm sorry.

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Is he...?

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A zombie?

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[laughing]

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A zombie.

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[Frank] Never gets old.

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Hey, you ready, man?

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Yes.

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Stephanie wants me to take her
somewhere exotic on vacation.

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- Obviously, I'm not taking her to the Caribbean.
- What? Why?

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Doesn't seem that'd
be good for you. [sniffles]

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What, you mean
the skin thing?

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Ricky, for all we know I could
have gotten this on the plane.

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And besides, the skin issues
tend to run in my family.

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Yes, but you're adopted.

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Still... I'm totally fine.

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[big thump]

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Hi, Ricky, Ted.

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I'm eating alone because
Dave's not coming back.

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Dave from accounting?

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That guy's good.
Where'd he go?

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I don't... Who knows?
Seriously. [wheezing]

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I guess he won't be winning
best worker anymore.

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I hope he isn't eaten
by the zombies, Ted.

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What's that supposed to mean?

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Nothing.

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So, my mom thinks this is
really it for my Poppy.

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Sorry to hear that,
buddy.

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I know how close you are
to him.

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But it seems like he's been
dying ever since I've known you.

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Yes, well he's bloody sick.

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Have you always said that?

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- Say what?
- The word bloody.

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I've never heard you say that.

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Yeah...
Yeah, I say that sometimes.

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[joyful music]

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I'm sorry, I didn't
know anyone was in here.

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I was just trying to get
out of the sunlight.

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Wait!

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Disorders of a paranormal,
what does it even mean?

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Hell if I know.

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[rhythmic string music]

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Fucking zombies.

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[happy jazz piano]

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- Are you okay?
- Yes.

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Good morning, everyone.

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I am Dr. Lovido.

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Welcome to group therapy

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with
my good friend and mentor.

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Dr. Sigmund Freud likes to say,
"Sex health"! [laughs]

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But enough about me. I didn't
go to school for years and years

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to talk about me, let's talk
about you and why you're here.

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Wolfgang, why don't you
tell us about you?

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Everyone,
help yourself to goodies.

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Well, I'm a
motherfucking werewolf.

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I got something called
alopecia, which means

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I lost all my hair
except for my eyebrows.

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Oh, Shit.

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I fell in love with this girl named
Katherina. She was fine, you know?

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She was a beautiful shoe. We
spent our days as man and woman,

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and our nights in the wild.

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Then, one night, the
[INDISTINCT] didn't come,

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I looked over and
Katherina was gone.

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[sobs]

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It's okay.

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It's OK. Ok.

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Who wants to be next?

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Grendel here.
It's my name.

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Would you mind if I sit
near the door?

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[Dr. Lovido] Of course.

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Stay out of the way.
Thank you.

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Do we have an adorable
claustrophobe in our midst?

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Well, it's not so adorable when
you're a cave-dwelling troll.

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In this world of slow and
temerity creatures, ours is

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the slowest and dumbest of
them all. Life was great.

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But then, I developed this
condition, I started to fear the

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caves, eventually, I couldn't
even go in them at all.

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I became obsessed and
started just exploring the

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world, and that caused
my brain to develop.

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So the only way I can go home
to my family

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is if you fix me, ma'am.

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It's going
to be okay, Grendel.

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First things first.
If you've been reading,

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I recommend you to
stop that right away.

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Oh...
Fuck.

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I was afraid you're gonna
say that, and I'm almost done.

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Can I just do that last...

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Literally like the last
chapter?

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- I'm almost...
- No.

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Just the
last fucking chapter.

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That was great.

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Feels like it's not.

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- Okay, Elvie, why don't you tell us about you.
- I'm a fairy.

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Well, I used to be
a fairy, I don't even

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know what to call
myself now, I'm so big.

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I lost my wings to
a curious toddler.

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Elvie, you must believe you will
always be a fairy at heart.

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- You have lessons you can take...
- Hello, sister dear.

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What are
you doing here, Nora?

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I'm the real Dr. Lovido.

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I'm the psychiatrist.

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Leave it.
Leave it.

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I'm right
down the hall if any

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of you want to come
see a real doctor.

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Unlike my sister here,
she likes to

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call herself doctor.

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Don't you, Candy?

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[hisses]

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Adorable. Your patients
are so sweet, Candy.

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It's too bad you sweet
people can't have

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any of these medications
which I have

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because your doctor
isn't a real doctor.

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You know
I've always hated you.

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You were always
mother's favorite.

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[laughs]

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Well, I'll be heading back
to my office now.

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The nice one down the hall
with the donuts.

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[slap]
Oh!

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Wrong room, Mr. Matthews.

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You know where to find me.

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[happy jazz piano]

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She seems really nice.

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[screaming]

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I'm gonna need another
[indistinct].

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[choking - coughs]

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[howls]

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[pop music]

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Ow, ow!
Dad. What?

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What's going on?

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Things are not good, Ted.
Linda's still here

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and it doesn't
seem like she's going anywhere.

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We need you to say something.

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Me?
Why me?

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You're full and strong, Ted.

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Talk to him, Jorge.

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I'm gonna get the juice.

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I paid my dues, okay?

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Your mother and I are taking
the brunt of this here.

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What kind of father is okay with
his son possibly losing an arm?

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What kind of a son is okay with
their father losing two arms?

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Sshh, Dad. I know she's not
a very powerful sorceress yet.

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- That's easy for you to say.
- I'm sorry, okay?

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I'm sorry, but I think she's
gonna get bored and move on

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and Poppy's always said that he
doesn't want to get married again.

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In the meantime, I'm
target practice here.

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Okay.

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She has got to go.

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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Hi, Linda.

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Hi, Poppy.

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Look who finally
come to visit.

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I'm dying here, asshole.

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Poppy, don't want
to work during the week.

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I bet you're hoping you don't
have to do that anymore

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after I die. Last night, I was
counting the money,

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I figured I'm worth
about 24 million now.

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If I keep getting lucky
on the stock market.

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Now, who should I give all
that money to after I die?

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Sweetie, you will
need at least 20 million

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human-earned dollars to become
a legitimate sorceress.

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Remember the old saying,
sorceresses without extreme

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human-earned wealth are but
sheep with beautiful faces.

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- Uh... Poppy...
- Shut up, kid.

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Don't ruin this moment.

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Get your daddy a drink,
sweetheart.

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All right, mom.

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Here, Teddy, have some juice.

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[clears throat] We had a
family meeting

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00:13:51,279 --> 00:13:56,986
and we all agree that it's time
for you to settle down.

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What I'm trying to
say, Teddy is,

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a wife doesn't want her husband
to be a zombie.

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Nobody wants
to marry a weirdo.

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I'm not a weirdo
and I'm not a zombie.

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You guys
even know what a zombie is?

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You don't really know a zombie

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until you had sex with one.

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00:14:16,337 --> 00:14:17,505
I know what a zombie is.

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00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,407
I've read about it
on a computer.

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00:14:21,409 --> 00:14:22,311
[laughs]

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00:14:24,678 --> 00:14:28,781
It's disgusting is what it is.
You're a generation in denial, son.

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Nobody gets married anymore. You're
just hopping from bed to bed, huh?

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00:14:32,386 --> 00:14:36,592
Jorge! Now, Teddy didn't get
that from having sex.

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00:14:37,792 --> 00:14:38,493
Did you, Ted?

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00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,561
Say hello to
your next president

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and first lady, I mean ladies.

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Come on, girl.

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00:14:49,904 --> 00:14:53,473
Do you know how expensive
running for office is, Poppy?

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00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,508
Only the wealthiest
people can do it.

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Oh, yeah?

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That should put our
family on the map, huh?

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You know Pop, by the way,
just in case you all

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forgot, I am running
on a platform of

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00:15:03,617 --> 00:15:07,119
blow everybody up that does
not think America is the

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greatest country ever.

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00:15:08,389 --> 00:15:11,724
I call it America or boom.

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00:15:11,726 --> 00:15:14,462
America or boom, baby.

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- Boom! Boom!
- Boom!

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00:15:17,564 --> 00:15:19,565
Now, that's some bullshit
right there,

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because ain't nobody
gonna vote for no black man

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threatening
to blow up the world.

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Jean, Jean, Jean.

243
00:15:26,441 --> 00:15:28,441
Jenny the Jean.

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You don't get it, do you?

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00:15:30,211 --> 00:15:32,577
We are going to save the world.

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00:15:32,579 --> 00:15:34,379
While me and your sister
is doing that, you're just

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00:15:34,381 --> 00:15:36,382
gonna sit over there with
your one-armed husband.

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00:15:36,384 --> 00:15:39,719
No disrespect, man. All my
greatest heroes are one-armed,

249
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,622
but just sitting there and nagging
that we ain't doing it right.

250
00:15:42,624 --> 00:15:43,822
She ain't doing it right.

251
00:15:43,824 --> 00:15:45,827
America or boom, baby.

252
00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:48,728
Now, who's getting
naked with me?

253
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:49,630
Come on.

254
00:15:51,665 --> 00:15:53,566
That's gonna be my
mission as first lady.

255
00:15:53,568 --> 00:15:54,533
What's that, baby?

256
00:15:54,535 --> 00:15:56,902
Nudity is freedom.

257
00:15:56,904 --> 00:15:59,172
Freedom is nudity.

258
00:15:59,174 --> 00:16:00,808
Shi...
Come here, girl!

259
00:16:02,644 --> 00:16:03,544
[screaming]

260
00:16:04,411 --> 00:16:06,845
Get the motherfuckers
off my table.

261
00:16:06,847 --> 00:16:07,815
That's enough.

262
00:16:09,483 --> 00:16:11,783
- Sit down, you two.
- Okay.

263
00:16:11,785 --> 00:16:13,652
Forgive me, everybody.
I'm sorry.

264
00:16:13,654 --> 00:16:15,854
Forgive me for just trying to
make love to my wife

265
00:16:15,856 --> 00:16:17,623
at the dinner table.

266
00:16:17,625 --> 00:16:19,128
I thought we was all family.

267
00:16:20,596 --> 00:16:23,595
Have I ever told you all about the
first time I ever got naked in public?

268
00:16:23,597 --> 00:16:27,733
- [all] Yes.
- Life changer.

269
00:16:27,735 --> 00:16:29,634
I was there that day, remember?

270
00:16:29,636 --> 00:16:32,305
I saw how your life changed.

271
00:16:32,307 --> 00:16:34,574
Look at that boy's skin.

272
00:16:34,576 --> 00:16:37,509
- I think it's getting worse.
- Excuse me?

273
00:16:37,511 --> 00:16:40,412
I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you could hear me.

274
00:16:40,414 --> 00:16:42,281
I'm sitting right
across the table from you.

275
00:16:42,283 --> 00:16:46,219
Bradley, you know skin
problems run in this family.

276
00:16:46,221 --> 00:16:48,490
- I mean, we all have them.
- That's the truth.

277
00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:51,856
Poppy and I are
talking about getting married.

278
00:16:51,858 --> 00:16:53,325
Wha, wha, what?

279
00:16:53,327 --> 00:16:55,327
- What?
- There's no hurry.

280
00:16:55,329 --> 00:16:58,297
I mean, we're gonna be in
love forever anyways.

281
00:16:58,299 --> 00:17:01,367
Yeah, I mean, there's no sense
in rushing anything, Pop.

282
00:17:01,369 --> 00:17:04,436
- I mean, you and I like being bachelors, right?
- My man.

283
00:17:04,438 --> 00:17:05,404
Chili boom.

284
00:17:05,406 --> 00:17:06,973
Chili boom.

285
00:17:06,975 --> 00:17:08,177
[screaming and shouting]

286
00:17:10,245 --> 00:17:12,978
What the hell, son? Your
furniture is a piece of crap.

287
00:17:12,980 --> 00:17:14,946
It's not
the furniture, it's...

288
00:17:14,948 --> 00:17:16,983
It's not the furniture,
Poppy. It's...

289
00:17:16,985 --> 00:17:19,918
Wo, wo, wo.
Remember, chili boom, chili bam.

290
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:23,421
Look, Teddy. Teddy, take this
from your uncle, okay?

291
00:17:23,423 --> 00:17:27,592
You got to always watch
out for red flags.

292
00:17:27,594 --> 00:17:29,361
No, not you baby.
You're not a red flag.

293
00:17:29,363 --> 00:17:31,563
You are a red,
white, and blue flag

294
00:17:31,565 --> 00:17:33,965
flying over the east wing
of my heart.

295
00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:37,336
I'm talking about real red flags.
The ones that will just pop out

296
00:17:37,338 --> 00:17:40,339
- of a nice pretty package like boom.
- Boom!

297
00:17:40,341 --> 00:17:42,942
Just pop out when you least
expect it like, boom, boom.

298
00:17:42,944 --> 00:17:45,910
Red flag, red flag, red flag.

299
00:17:45,912 --> 00:17:47,346
Seven of them in a row.

300
00:17:47,348 --> 00:17:48,981
Boom!

301
00:17:48,983 --> 00:17:53,918
- Teddy, my boy. Some more coupons.
- Thanks, Pop.

302
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,488
I know you've been having a
hard time so I want to help out.

303
00:17:56,490 --> 00:17:58,523
I appreciate it.
Thank you, Poppy.

304
00:17:58,525 --> 00:18:00,493
The only thing is,
if I find out you're

305
00:18:00,495 --> 00:18:03,361
a zombie, that's it, no
more coupons, Teddy.

306
00:18:03,363 --> 00:18:04,696
- Poppy, I'm not a zombie.
- All right.

307
00:18:04,698 --> 00:18:05,866
I'm not a zombie.

308
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:08,402
Poppy, I'm not a zombie.

309
00:18:12,372 --> 00:18:14,340
Zombies are funny.

310
00:18:14,342 --> 00:18:16,942
[laughter]

311
00:18:16,944 --> 00:18:18,914
Carrie, you ain't
nothing but a damn fool.

312
00:18:20,014 --> 00:18:23,416
You know what they say,
zombies are quite comical.

313
00:18:23,418 --> 00:18:24,386
[laughter]

314
00:18:25,553 --> 00:18:27,852
What the hell we got to
do to get some food around here?

315
00:18:27,854 --> 00:18:29,655
Jorge, be a good boy
and bring mama

316
00:18:29,657 --> 00:18:31,791
and Linda another martini
while you're in there.

317
00:18:31,793 --> 00:18:33,958
I got your momma.

318
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,727
Did you see that?

319
00:18:35,729 --> 00:18:40,465
I wish she would. Trust me.
I wish she would.

320
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:45,103
Don't be silly, Bradley. Jorge is
doing the best he can with one arm.

321
00:18:45,105 --> 00:18:47,540
And I'm pretty sure he
doesn't want to know

322
00:18:47,542 --> 00:18:49,343
what life would be
like with no arms.

323
00:18:53,046 --> 00:18:56,550
This woman's voice
is music to my ears.

324
00:18:58,352 --> 00:18:59,454
It must be deaf ears.

325
00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:04,626
[music]

326
00:19:27,648 --> 00:19:29,517
[under her breath]

327
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,057
[coughs]

328
00:19:39,127 --> 00:19:40,829
- Ricky.
- Hi, honey.

329
00:19:42,397 --> 00:19:44,463
Oh, God, why is it
always so smoky in here?

330
00:19:44,465 --> 00:19:46,866
It's just the
machines downstairs.

331
00:19:46,868 --> 00:19:49,467
Oh, yeah?
It's not good for my hair.

332
00:19:49,469 --> 00:19:51,436
God, is there no other
cubicle you can

333
00:19:51,438 --> 00:19:54,106
sit in that's not
next to a zombie?

334
00:19:54,108 --> 00:19:55,010
Excuse me?

335
00:19:56,643 --> 00:19:57,778
Ted is not a zombie.

336
00:19:59,447 --> 00:20:01,513
Look at his forehead.

337
00:20:01,515 --> 00:20:03,581
I am not a zombie.

338
00:20:03,583 --> 00:20:04,585
[laughs]

339
00:20:05,719 --> 00:20:06,685
Ted.

340
00:20:06,687 --> 00:20:09,487
[screams] Oh, God.

341
00:20:09,489 --> 00:20:10,424
Ted?

342
00:20:11,825 --> 00:20:15,727
Stephanie, Ted is not
a zombie and you know it.

343
00:20:15,729 --> 00:20:20,032
All right, he's got
a disease or something.

344
00:20:20,034 --> 00:20:21,766
Thanks, man.
I'm sitting right here.

345
00:20:21,768 --> 00:20:24,536
- Skin thing, whatever.
- Right. You know what?

346
00:20:24,538 --> 00:20:26,205
It doesn't matter because
I came down here

347
00:20:26,207 --> 00:20:28,506
to tell you
that we're done, okay?

348
00:20:28,508 --> 00:20:30,077
It is over, Ricky.

349
00:20:30,977 --> 00:20:33,446
You never even taken
me on a vacation.

350
00:20:33,448 --> 00:20:34,949
- Trust me, vacations are not...
- Shh!

351
00:20:36,684 --> 00:20:38,484
You don't
deserve me, Ricky.

352
00:20:38,486 --> 00:20:41,887
I am diamonds and you
are a fucking rock.

353
00:20:41,889 --> 00:20:43,688
Yeah.
You're my diamond.

354
00:20:43,690 --> 00:20:45,726
- Not anymore.
- Stephanie!

355
00:20:47,928 --> 00:20:49,829
So, Joe is gone.

356
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:52,697
Yes. Mel, I'm
a little busy right now.

357
00:20:52,699 --> 00:20:54,769
Will you vote for me
for best worker?

358
00:20:56,070 --> 00:20:59,071
- Yeah, I'll vote for you.
- Because you're not gonna get it, right?

359
00:20:59,073 --> 00:21:00,773
I'll vote for you.

360
00:21:00,775 --> 00:21:02,576
- Oh, seriously?
- Right. Okay.

361
00:21:04,579 --> 00:21:09,013
People are saying Ted ate Joe.

362
00:21:09,015 --> 00:21:10,819
Did not eat Joe, Mel.

363
00:21:12,620 --> 00:21:15,521
Ricky, look, if you
need a place to stay,

364
00:21:15,523 --> 00:21:17,692
you know you can always
crash in my place... again.

365
00:21:19,927 --> 00:21:20,928
Thanks.

366
00:21:23,563 --> 00:21:24,800
[music]

367
00:21:40,247 --> 00:21:41,679
[growling]

368
00:21:41,681 --> 00:21:43,184
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

369
00:21:44,951 --> 00:21:46,621
Oh, my God.
What's happening to me?

370
00:21:50,190 --> 00:21:52,090
Oh, God, oh God.

371
00:21:52,092 --> 00:21:52,994
[knocks]

372
00:21:55,763 --> 00:22:00,198
- It's you. What's up?
- Hey, dude. I got us some beer and chips.

373
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,069
The essentials, perfect.
Thank you.

374
00:22:21,121 --> 00:22:24,657
- Thanks.
- Hey, thanks for letting me stay here, dude.

375
00:22:24,659 --> 00:22:27,560
Yes, you can stay here as long as
you need to. You know that, right?

376
00:22:27,562 --> 00:22:28,994
Yes, except I'm
not sleeping too well

377
00:22:28,996 --> 00:22:31,163
so I probably should
find my own place.

378
00:22:31,165 --> 00:22:33,902
Yes, well, you can't sleep on
your buddy's chair forever.

379
00:22:35,236 --> 00:22:35,937
[chuckles]

380
00:22:39,707 --> 00:22:41,842
So, did you
go see the doctor?

381
00:22:43,009 --> 00:22:43,777
For what?

382
00:22:45,313 --> 00:22:47,716
- For the skin thing?
- Yeah. And...

383
00:22:50,251 --> 00:22:51,617
And what?

384
00:22:51,619 --> 00:22:52,888
Ted, are you...

385
00:22:54,655 --> 00:22:55,991
I think you should see someone.

386
00:22:58,959 --> 00:22:59,861
Something is wrong.

387
00:23:00,995 --> 00:23:01,994
All right.

388
00:23:01,996 --> 00:23:03,262
What are you doing?

389
00:23:03,264 --> 00:23:04,929
- Ted, what are you doing?
- What?

390
00:23:04,931 --> 00:23:06,231
What are you freaking out about?

391
00:23:06,233 --> 00:23:07,769
You have something in your hair.

392
00:23:13,608 --> 00:23:14,709
What did you think
I was gonna do?

393
00:23:18,946 --> 00:23:20,913
You freak me out, man.

394
00:23:20,915 --> 00:23:21,983
[rhythmic music]

395
00:23:38,733 --> 00:23:39,634
I wouldn't.

396
00:23:40,935 --> 00:23:41,836
[singing - making up lyrics]

397
00:23:52,178 --> 00:23:55,182
- Is that how that song goes?
- No.

398
00:23:56,883 --> 00:23:59,417
[Frank] I got skin for
days here, Bonnie.

399
00:23:59,419 --> 00:24:00,721
Where is my loofa?

400
00:24:07,894 --> 00:24:10,094
- Hey, Ricky.
- Hey.

401
00:24:10,096 --> 00:24:11,730
These are
for the Texas team.

402
00:24:11,732 --> 00:24:12,830
- Thanks, Bonnie.
- Mhm...

403
00:24:12,832 --> 00:24:13,868
[buzzing]

404
00:24:15,436 --> 00:24:16,338
Bonnie?

405
00:24:17,303 --> 00:24:18,206
Yes?

406
00:24:20,408 --> 00:24:22,107
Are you okay?

407
00:24:22,109 --> 00:24:23,078
Yes, I'm fine.

408
00:24:24,745 --> 00:24:28,382
Mr. Lee is a weed, but a weed
is just an unloved flower.

409
00:24:29,449 --> 00:24:34,686
- What?
- It's Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

410
00:24:34,688 --> 00:24:38,724
Anyway, Mr. Lee may be just an unloved
flower, but I took a look at those

411
00:24:38,726 --> 00:24:40,892
before sending the out because
today he is an unloved flower

412
00:24:40,894 --> 00:24:42,226
on a rampage.

413
00:24:42,228 --> 00:24:44,332
That makes today
different from what day?

414
00:24:46,367 --> 00:24:49,301
Looks like you've been doing
some good work there, Bonnie.

415
00:24:49,303 --> 00:24:52,003
Oh, thank you.

416
00:24:52,005 --> 00:24:52,873
Mel.

417
00:24:54,941 --> 00:24:56,777
I'm also gonna
get the best worker.

418
00:24:58,012 --> 00:24:59,343
- Sorry. [chuckles]
- What?

419
00:24:59,345 --> 00:25:00,946
It's a competition
we have going on,

420
00:25:00,948 --> 00:25:02,347
the best worker competition.

421
00:25:02,349 --> 00:25:03,815
You've probably
seen the sign.

422
00:25:03,817 --> 00:25:05,384
Yes, Mr. Lee
told me about it.

423
00:25:05,386 --> 00:25:07,953
What? Did he tell you
you we're gonna win it?

424
00:25:07,955 --> 00:25:08,890
Did he?

425
00:25:09,989 --> 00:25:10,891
No.

426
00:25:11,892 --> 00:25:14,094
Because it would be
ultra not cool if he did.

427
00:25:16,162 --> 00:25:17,730
Can I show you something
in the basement?

428
00:25:17,732 --> 00:25:20,799
Mel, I'm sure
Bonnie is probably busy.

429
00:25:20,801 --> 00:25:25,270
Yes, yes, I am pretty busy,
but maybe another time?

430
00:25:25,272 --> 00:25:26,972
Later today or tomorrow?

431
00:25:26,974 --> 00:25:29,343
Mel, What's got into you?

432
00:25:30,477 --> 00:25:31,379
Sandwich.

433
00:25:33,514 --> 00:25:35,379
Ted want's to eat your
brains, by the way.

434
00:25:35,381 --> 00:25:36,982
What?
No, I don't.

435
00:25:36,984 --> 00:25:38,884
You may have
eaten Dave and Joe.

436
00:25:38,886 --> 00:25:40,452
I did not eat Dave and Joe.

437
00:25:40,454 --> 00:25:42,788
You may have
eaten Joe and Dave.

438
00:25:42,790 --> 00:25:45,224
- I did not eat Joe and Dave.
- He's got a problem.

439
00:25:45,226 --> 00:25:47,024
Why you keep telling
the whole f###ing...

440
00:25:47,026 --> 00:25:48,162
Freeze. Police.

441
00:25:52,466 --> 00:25:55,770
I'm Sgt. Angus and
this is my partner Sgt. Zeus.

442
00:25:56,937 --> 00:25:59,972
- Like the Greek god Zeus?
- Just like the Greek god Zeus, yes.

443
00:25:59,974 --> 00:26:03,175
Exactly. We need to ask you
folks some questions on account

444
00:26:03,177 --> 00:26:05,244
of the two missing persons
who used to work here.

445
00:26:05,246 --> 00:26:06,378
Questions.

446
00:26:06,380 --> 00:26:08,246
Dave and Joe?

447
00:26:08,248 --> 00:26:09,982
Exactly.

448
00:26:09,984 --> 00:26:11,483
They were my friends.

449
00:26:11,485 --> 00:26:14,887
Okay, very good.
Do you know where they are?

450
00:26:14,889 --> 00:26:18,357
- Missing. Ted is a zombie.
- Oh, my God.

451
00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:20,826
- He is...
- Okay, that is enough. I am not a zombie.

452
00:26:20,828 --> 00:26:23,328
- I'm not a zombie.
- It's true, yes.

453
00:26:23,330 --> 00:26:24,996
What's wrong
with your skin, boy?

454
00:26:24,998 --> 00:26:26,865
Excuse me?
Okay, first of all,

455
00:26:26,867 --> 00:26:28,567
that's none of your business,
and second of all

456
00:26:28,569 --> 00:26:30,435
skin issues tend to run
in my family, okay?

457
00:26:30,437 --> 00:26:32,937
- So, that's what it is.
- That's disgusting.

458
00:26:32,939 --> 00:26:36,308
We will be back with further
questions for all of you.

459
00:26:36,310 --> 00:26:40,081
So, I suggest none of you take
any vacations any time soon.

460
00:26:48,054 --> 00:26:49,987
- Wow.
- Get back to work, people.

461
00:26:49,989 --> 00:26:51,857
Frank's gonna
come any minute.

462
00:26:51,859 --> 00:26:53,859
Bonnie, loofa.

463
00:26:53,861 --> 00:26:54,993
God.

464
00:26:54,995 --> 00:26:56,397
[eerie noises]

465
00:27:06,372 --> 00:27:07,542
[car alarm]

466
00:27:17,884 --> 00:27:18,919
[snoring]

467
00:27:40,274 --> 00:27:41,176
Ricky?

468
00:27:44,344 --> 00:27:45,878
Ricky.

469
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,246
No, stay away,
away from me.

470
00:27:48,248 --> 00:27:49,383
Bonnie?

471
00:27:50,284 --> 00:27:51,917
Bonnie, I'm so sorry.

472
00:27:51,919 --> 00:27:54,119
[sighs] Are you okay?

473
00:27:54,121 --> 00:27:55,987
You don't look like
you've been sleeping.

474
00:27:55,989 --> 00:27:58,090
I'm still
sleeping on Ted's chair

475
00:27:58,092 --> 00:28:00,425
until I could find
a place of my own.

476
00:28:00,427 --> 00:28:01,262
Really?

477
00:28:02,963 --> 00:28:06,164
Well, my roommate and I are
looking for another roommate.

478
00:28:06,166 --> 00:28:08,567
If you put the knife down

479
00:28:08,569 --> 00:28:11,069
we'd love to
have you moving in with us.

480
00:28:11,071 --> 00:28:12,236
Really?

481
00:28:12,238 --> 00:28:13,140
Wow.

482
00:28:16,576 --> 00:28:18,243
Where have you been?

483
00:28:18,245 --> 00:28:20,281
[sighs] Drop some
stuff off in the basement.

484
00:28:21,215 --> 00:28:22,116
[roaring sound effects]

485
00:28:29,657 --> 00:28:33,457
[Frank through speaker] Bonnie,
Where the fuck is my loofa?

486
00:28:33,459 --> 00:28:34,394
See you guys.

487
00:28:35,662 --> 00:28:36,563
[singing]

488
00:28:42,268 --> 00:28:43,170
[chuckles]

489
00:29:07,961 --> 00:29:09,096
Ted, what the fuck?

490
00:29:10,464 --> 00:29:12,164
You need help, man.

491
00:29:12,166 --> 00:29:17,005
- That is not normal.
- What?

492
00:29:20,975 --> 00:29:26,477
- Sorry, Ted. You just don't...
- Wendy's gone.

493
00:29:26,479 --> 00:29:28,146
- So much cringe, where'd she go?
- Who's Wendy?

494
00:29:28,148 --> 00:29:31,616
- Where'd she go?
- Wait, wait, the singing intern?

495
00:29:31,618 --> 00:29:35,387
- She just walked by.
- Yes, she was an ultra good worker too.

496
00:29:35,389 --> 00:29:36,457
[laughs]

497
00:29:37,457 --> 00:29:40,091
Sure hope there isn't a
zombie going around

498
00:29:40,093 --> 00:29:41,629
eating people.

499
00:29:47,034 --> 00:29:49,568
Why? Why are you guys
looking at me? Seriously.

500
00:29:49,570 --> 00:29:51,369
- I'm gonna go back to my...
- I'm not a zombie.

501
00:29:51,371 --> 00:29:55,107
- [making scared sounds]
- I'm not a zombie.

502
00:29:55,109 --> 00:29:56,577
- Stop.
- [making scared sounds]

503
00:29:58,245 --> 00:29:59,714
To work with
these kind of people...

504
00:30:06,486 --> 00:30:10,421
I think I'm gonna [indistinct]
I'm gonna write you up.

505
00:30:10,423 --> 00:30:11,325
Mel?

506
00:30:15,562 --> 00:30:16,464
Mel.

507
00:30:28,508 --> 00:30:32,209
Olivia, tell
the group about yourself.

508
00:30:32,211 --> 00:30:37,648
Okay, I've been feeling weird
since I got back from Romania.

509
00:30:37,650 --> 00:30:41,719
Some things have changed,
most noticeably my teeth.

510
00:30:41,721 --> 00:30:42,689
[hisses]

511
00:30:45,359 --> 00:30:48,159
And I'm really strong.

512
00:30:48,161 --> 00:30:49,761
People seem to think
I'm a vampire,

513
00:30:49,763 --> 00:30:51,499
which I clearly am not.

514
00:30:52,632 --> 00:30:54,065
Just because
I have pointed teeth

515
00:30:54,067 --> 00:30:56,134
and I like to eat my meat rare.

516
00:30:56,136 --> 00:31:00,141
Olivia, are you feeling
the urge to bite people?

517
00:31:01,108 --> 00:31:04,278
I've thought about it,
but no more than anyone else.

518
00:31:06,412 --> 00:31:09,347
I would never do anything
that would hurt someone.

519
00:31:09,349 --> 00:31:10,648
You have to believe me.

520
00:31:10,650 --> 00:31:11,552
I believe you.

521
00:31:13,286 --> 00:31:14,188
Thank you.

522
00:31:16,189 --> 00:31:17,091
[Dr. Lovido] Ted.

523
00:31:18,624 --> 00:31:20,091
Ted.

524
00:31:20,093 --> 00:31:23,430
Oh, uh, right.

525
00:31:24,531 --> 00:31:27,532
Well, to be completely
honest I'm only here

526
00:31:27,534 --> 00:31:29,467
because...

527
00:31:29,469 --> 00:31:32,337
Well, I saw Olivia carrying
bowling balls into

528
00:31:32,339 --> 00:31:36,144
my work, and I just
wanted to talk to her.

529
00:31:37,744 --> 00:31:41,446
I work at the bowling alley,
moving the balls around.

530
00:31:41,448 --> 00:31:46,851
So, Ted, you're not here because
you want help with anything?

531
00:31:46,853 --> 00:31:50,688
Well, I mean, nobody's perfect.
Like...

532
00:31:50,690 --> 00:31:53,460
This skin thing I picked up in
the Caribbean, for example.

533
00:31:54,527 --> 00:31:55,894
Yes, my family is crazy.

534
00:31:55,896 --> 00:31:57,565
Of course.

535
00:31:58,765 --> 00:32:00,101
I also like my meat rare.

536
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:02,600
You do?

537
00:32:02,602 --> 00:32:04,802
Well, perhaps
you two should both

538
00:32:04,804 --> 00:32:08,473
consider a multivitamin
with iron in it.

539
00:32:08,475 --> 00:32:09,510
Also try masturbation.

540
00:32:10,409 --> 00:32:11,312
Pickle anyone?

541
00:32:15,314 --> 00:32:16,350
[coughs]

542
00:32:21,155 --> 00:32:22,190
So...

543
00:32:24,858 --> 00:32:27,528
Maybe I could make dinner
for you Saturday night?

544
00:32:28,762 --> 00:32:31,666
Yes, okay.
I'm in.

545
00:32:32,599 --> 00:32:34,899
What? Oh. No.

546
00:32:34,901 --> 00:32:37,138
I'm sorry, Grendel.
I was talking to Olivia.

547
00:32:39,339 --> 00:32:41,876
Yes, I'd like that.

548
00:32:46,913 --> 00:32:47,814
[upbeat music]

549
00:34:11,865 --> 00:34:13,798
And then, we're
gonna change the oval

550
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:15,834
office to a triangle,
or a rectangle, or...

551
00:34:15,836 --> 00:34:18,370
- Diamond.
- Diamond! Exactly, diamond. Something like that.

552
00:34:18,372 --> 00:34:19,870
You know, just to keep everybody
on their toes.

553
00:34:19,872 --> 00:34:21,305
- Ain't that right, babe?
- Mmm.

554
00:34:21,307 --> 00:34:22,474
And every Friday
is gonna be

555
00:34:22,476 --> 00:34:24,475
no foreigner Friday, of course.

556
00:34:24,477 --> 00:34:29,546
I can't wait, my
big, strong president.

557
00:34:29,548 --> 00:34:32,983
I love you best in a top hat,
and nothing else.

558
00:34:32,985 --> 00:34:34,385
Oh, and just to be clear
with everybody,

559
00:34:34,387 --> 00:34:36,021
when she said in a top hat,

560
00:34:36,023 --> 00:34:36,957
I'm not
wearing it on my head.

561
00:34:40,026 --> 00:34:44,762
- Teddy, did you lose your hair comb?
- No, ma, this is the new style.

562
00:34:44,764 --> 00:34:47,064
You might at least want to
put some conditioner in there.

563
00:34:47,066 --> 00:34:50,669
Here, try
this Infinite Naturals.

564
00:34:50,671 --> 00:34:54,342
This stuff is great, and it
works well on everything.

565
00:34:56,910 --> 00:34:59,343
Okay, Okay, I...
Okay, I can do it. Stop.

566
00:34:59,345 --> 00:35:00,745
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

567
00:35:00,747 --> 00:35:02,513
Listen to your mother.

568
00:35:02,515 --> 00:35:03,847
Never tested on animals.

569
00:35:03,849 --> 00:35:05,450
Infinite Naturals

570
00:35:05,452 --> 00:35:07,919
[All] ...is naturally infinite.

571
00:35:07,921 --> 00:35:08,956
Don't use too much.

572
00:35:09,889 --> 00:35:11,990
Ted, you should get a wife.

573
00:35:11,992 --> 00:35:13,658
The fuck does
he need a wife for?

574
00:35:13,660 --> 00:35:18,662
- Well, I am seeing someone.
- [All] What?

575
00:35:18,664 --> 00:35:21,635
- Yeah.
- Oooh, thank you, God.

576
00:35:23,003 --> 00:35:25,470
- Please don't tell me she's a goblin.
- No.

577
00:35:25,472 --> 00:35:27,604
Stop it, mama.
My son isn't like that.

578
00:35:27,606 --> 00:35:30,675
Not that there would be anything
wrong with it if you were.

579
00:35:30,677 --> 00:35:32,711
When do we get
to meet her, baby?

580
00:35:32,713 --> 00:35:34,845
Well, I was
thinking of inviting her

581
00:35:34,847 --> 00:35:38,350
- to come with me to dinner one night.
- [All] Oh, dinner!

582
00:35:38,352 --> 00:35:41,452
- If I do, you all need to behave.
- Of course.

583
00:35:41,454 --> 00:35:42,986
We're just
regular people, baby.

584
00:35:42,988 --> 00:35:44,923
- She's very sensitive.
- That could be a problem.

585
00:35:44,925 --> 00:35:48,792
Like that. Why are you doing...
Uncle Bradley, you can't be

586
00:35:48,794 --> 00:35:51,095
doing that at the dinner
table when she's here.

587
00:35:51,097 --> 00:35:53,030
That's weird.

588
00:35:53,032 --> 00:35:55,566
I can't be doing this?

589
00:35:55,568 --> 00:35:56,901
- Can I do that?
- No.

590
00:35:56,903 --> 00:36:00,604
- How about...
- No.

591
00:36:00,606 --> 00:36:01,740
All right.

592
00:36:01,742 --> 00:36:03,774
I apologize, everybody.

593
00:36:03,776 --> 00:36:05,977
I did not know the new
rules of this family.

594
00:36:05,979 --> 00:36:09,446
Forgive me for gently
caressing, tweaking

595
00:36:09,448 --> 00:36:11,649
and [smacking his lips] my wife
at the dinner table.

596
00:36:11,651 --> 00:36:13,684
I don't know who this
damn family is anymore.

597
00:36:13,686 --> 00:36:15,653
What's wrong with her?
She's not a weirdo, is she?

598
00:36:15,655 --> 00:36:16,954
No, there's nothing wrong
with her,

599
00:36:16,956 --> 00:36:18,423
and she's not a bloody
weirdo.

600
00:36:18,425 --> 00:36:19,624
Have you always said that?

601
00:36:19,626 --> 00:36:20,959
- Said what?
- Never mind.

602
00:36:20,961 --> 00:36:22,430
She's beautiful.

603
00:36:24,631 --> 00:36:25,796
[spooky music]

604
00:36:25,798 --> 00:36:28,533
She is a vampire.

605
00:36:28,535 --> 00:36:31,702
- A vampire?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

606
00:36:31,704 --> 00:36:34,104
Teddy, are
you doing a vampire?

607
00:36:34,106 --> 00:36:38,108
No, she looks like
a vampire, but she's not...

608
00:36:38,110 --> 00:36:39,379
What?

609
00:36:40,113 --> 00:36:44,816
- [sighs] Dude.
- [coughs]

610
00:36:44,818 --> 00:36:47,050
What do you have, what did you
bring for lunch today?

611
00:36:47,052 --> 00:36:50,053
I haven't had time to eat.

612
00:36:50,055 --> 00:36:51,758
I'm such an ultra... [spits]

613
00:36:52,892 --> 00:36:54,626
- Mel.
- Mel.

614
00:36:54,628 --> 00:36:56,026
You really need
to stop doing that.

615
00:36:56,028 --> 00:36:58,896
What?
I'm such an ultra hard worker.

616
00:36:58,898 --> 00:37:00,700
Yes, that's nice.

617
00:37:02,769 --> 00:37:05,135
- Can you guys... [spits]
- Mel!

618
00:37:05,137 --> 00:37:08,606
Can you guys vote for me for
best worker next week?

619
00:37:08,608 --> 00:37:11,809
Is that next week?
Sure.

620
00:37:11,811 --> 00:37:13,046
Yes, we'll vote for you.

621
00:37:13,979 --> 00:37:17,148
- Mel, can you...
- [Bonnie] Hey, guys.

622
00:37:17,150 --> 00:37:20,684
- Oh, shit.
- [Ricky] Hey, Bonnie.

623
00:37:20,686 --> 00:37:22,954
Okay, but I got to go.

624
00:37:22,956 --> 00:37:24,555
Can I show you something
in the basement?

625
00:37:24,557 --> 00:37:26,024
Mel.

626
00:37:26,026 --> 00:37:28,829
Never mind. It's
also uninteresting.

627
00:37:30,197 --> 00:37:31,762
What's up?

628
00:37:31,764 --> 00:37:33,433
I'll show you later.

629
00:37:38,171 --> 00:37:40,939
So, Ted, Ricky tells me

630
00:37:40,941 --> 00:37:43,106
that you've really hit it
off with that chick Olivia.

631
00:37:43,108 --> 00:37:44,943
She's perfect.

632
00:37:44,945 --> 00:37:46,414
I've never met anyone like her.

633
00:37:47,713 --> 00:37:48,882
That's really cool.

634
00:37:49,782 --> 00:37:52,483
So how's things for
the two roommates?

635
00:37:52,485 --> 00:37:54,017
[chuckle]

636
00:37:54,019 --> 00:37:55,854
Ricky is amazing.

637
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:57,555
He made dinner last night.

638
00:37:57,557 --> 00:37:59,691
- Oh, did he?
- Mhm.

639
00:37:59,693 --> 00:38:03,628
Well, she... You have to work late.
She had to work late.

640
00:38:03,630 --> 00:38:05,829
Bonnie is working on a
huge project for Samson.

641
00:38:05,831 --> 00:38:08,832
- Frank Lee's boss?
- Yes.

642
00:38:08,834 --> 00:38:10,167
He found out
about my qualifications

643
00:38:10,169 --> 00:38:11,771
and needed some work done, so...

644
00:38:13,539 --> 00:38:16,874
And you know, she's got an MBA
so she's more qualified

645
00:38:16,876 --> 00:38:18,742
to run this place
than Frank Lee is.

646
00:38:18,744 --> 00:38:19,943
[laughs] He's got his own
secretary

647
00:38:19,945 --> 00:38:20,979
running circles around him.

648
00:38:20,981 --> 00:38:23,146
That's... wow.

649
00:38:23,148 --> 00:38:25,249
It couldn't happen to
a bigger ass than Frank Lee.

650
00:38:25,251 --> 00:38:27,017
Speaking of which,
I've got some stuff

651
00:38:27,019 --> 00:38:28,887
that I need to finish up
for him before lunch.

652
00:38:28,889 --> 00:38:33,494
- So, see you guys later.
- See you later.

653
00:38:38,932 --> 00:38:41,135
- What?
- [chuckles] Exactly "what".

654
00:38:42,302 --> 00:38:44,769
Dude, I haven't heard you
mention Stephanie in weeks.

655
00:38:44,771 --> 00:38:47,305
Honestly, I'm not even thinking
about Stephanie anymore.

656
00:38:47,307 --> 00:38:49,140
When she calls, it goes
straight to voicema...

657
00:38:49,142 --> 00:38:52,577
Meet me in hell.
Bring the girl.

658
00:38:52,579 --> 00:38:54,912
Mel, just cut
it out, all right?

659
00:38:54,914 --> 00:38:56,914
You're starting to
freak everyone out.

660
00:38:56,916 --> 00:38:59,017
- Me?
- Yes.

661
00:38:59,019 --> 00:39:02,053
Well, at least I'm not
a zombie who eats people.

662
00:39:02,055 --> 00:39:05,923
Ted, [stammering] are you?

663
00:39:05,925 --> 00:39:06,858
[screaming]

664
00:39:06,860 --> 00:39:07,894
Ted!

665
00:39:10,729 --> 00:39:13,030
I'm sorry.
I don't know what's got into me.

666
00:39:13,032 --> 00:39:15,166
You need to get some help.

667
00:39:15,168 --> 00:39:17,734
I'm just sick and tired
of people calling me a zombie.

668
00:39:17,736 --> 00:39:18,706
You're a zombie, Ted.

669
00:39:19,639 --> 00:39:21,204
[growls]

670
00:39:21,206 --> 00:39:22,809
[eerie music]

671
00:39:28,314 --> 00:39:30,650
[distorted voice]
What have you done, Ted?

672
00:39:31,851 --> 00:39:32,753
[eerie sounds]

673
00:39:39,224 --> 00:39:40,226
[laughs]

674
00:39:42,762 --> 00:39:43,760
[eerie sounds]

675
00:39:43,762 --> 00:39:44,998
[distorted laughter]

676
00:39:50,970 --> 00:39:52,139
[scream]

677
00:39:53,606 --> 00:39:55,708
Ted, what's wrong?

678
00:39:56,742 --> 00:39:58,578
That was a bad dream.

679
00:40:01,046 --> 00:40:02,715
You're not dreaming anymore.

680
00:40:04,150 --> 00:40:05,718
Thank God for that.

681
00:40:11,724 --> 00:40:13,059
I dreamt
my whole family was dead.

682
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:15,258
My God.

683
00:40:15,260 --> 00:40:16,930
That's scary.

684
00:40:18,097 --> 00:40:18,998
Yes, it was.

685
00:40:21,700 --> 00:40:23,834
Speaking of which,

686
00:40:23,836 --> 00:40:26,606
would you want to come over
on Friday and meet them?

687
00:40:27,974 --> 00:40:29,910
Yes, I'd love to.

688
00:40:33,246 --> 00:40:34,814
Tell me about Romania.

689
00:40:36,148 --> 00:40:40,019
Well, it wasn't
at all what I expected.

690
00:40:44,157 --> 00:40:46,923
I met a guy there, a botanist.

691
00:40:46,925 --> 00:40:48,962
He wouldn't go out at all
during the day.

692
00:40:51,197 --> 00:40:52,633
A night botanist, huh?

693
00:40:54,300 --> 00:40:56,733
[Olivia] I would wake up in
the middle of the night and

694
00:40:56,735 --> 00:40:58,838
find him staring at me, with
an odd look on his face.

695
00:41:00,106 --> 00:41:01,008
Dragonmere?

696
00:41:08,682 --> 00:41:10,280
Olivia, have you
ever felt that maybe

697
00:41:10,282 --> 00:41:11,851
Dragonmere was a...

698
00:41:13,086 --> 00:41:16,187
Well, that he was a...

699
00:41:16,189 --> 00:41:17,224
A what?

700
00:41:19,925 --> 00:41:20,827
Never mind.

701
00:41:22,327 --> 00:41:24,364
Tell me about your
trip to the Caribbean.

702
00:41:26,131 --> 00:41:30,367
Well, I went to this touristy
voodoo thing, you know.

703
00:41:30,369 --> 00:41:33,137
While they were doing this good
luck ritual,

704
00:41:33,139 --> 00:41:36,977
things got kind of... weird.

705
00:41:39,012 --> 00:41:44,182
Welcome to voodoo for you
and the celebration of luck.

706
00:41:44,184 --> 00:41:46,983
I will now give you good luck.

707
00:41:46,985 --> 00:41:48,221
[chants]

708
00:41:52,959 --> 00:41:55,093
[man] What the
fuck did you do now?

709
00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:56,430
Oh, my God.

710
00:41:57,463 --> 00:41:58,364
[growls]

711
00:42:02,135 --> 00:42:04,805
I haven't been feeling so
good ever since I've been back.

712
00:42:11,177 --> 00:42:12,345
[car radio playing music]

713
00:42:30,796 --> 00:42:31,896
Such a gentleman.

714
00:42:31,898 --> 00:42:33,100
Oh, I try to be.

715
00:42:45,845 --> 00:42:49,780
Olivia, this is my dad, Jorge,
and my mom, Jean.

716
00:42:49,782 --> 00:42:51,983
- Nice to meet you.
- What's wrong with your teeth?

717
00:42:51,985 --> 00:42:53,885
- Mom.
- Your mom is just trying to make

718
00:42:53,887 --> 00:42:55,820
some small talk with
your new friend.

719
00:42:55,822 --> 00:42:58,523
- She's my girlfriend, dad.
- We'll see about that.

720
00:42:58,525 --> 00:43:01,861
Come on in, kids,
let's go have some juice.

721
00:43:05,131 --> 00:43:07,899
- That is a vampire.
- What?

722
00:43:07,901 --> 00:43:09,432
Olivia is not a vampire.

723
00:43:09,434 --> 00:43:10,867
I am not a vampire.

724
00:43:10,869 --> 00:43:11,771
Sure.

725
00:43:13,106 --> 00:43:16,874
Hey, Teddy, I got
more coupons for you.

726
00:43:16,876 --> 00:43:18,309
Thanks, Poppy.

727
00:43:18,311 --> 00:43:19,309
Hi.

728
00:43:19,311 --> 00:43:22,579
You must be Olivia.

729
00:43:22,581 --> 00:43:27,117
I'm Tete Carey, and this
is his uncle Bradley.

730
00:43:27,119 --> 00:43:30,588
The future president of the
United States of America.

731
00:43:30,590 --> 00:43:32,256
It's a
pleasure to meet you.

732
00:43:32,258 --> 00:43:33,591
[screams]

733
00:43:33,593 --> 00:43:35,059
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

734
00:43:35,061 --> 00:43:37,231
What in God's name.

735
00:43:38,331 --> 00:43:39,896
I'ma have a heart attack.

736
00:43:39,898 --> 00:43:42,365
I'm the one who's dying here,
not you.

737
00:43:42,367 --> 00:43:44,836
All you motherfuckers
care about is my will.

738
00:43:44,838 --> 00:43:47,972
Pop, you know how expensive
it is to become president.

739
00:43:47,974 --> 00:43:50,575
And what a good president
you'll be.

740
00:43:50,577 --> 00:43:53,410
America, boom!

741
00:43:53,412 --> 00:43:57,548
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Your hand's healed.

742
00:43:57,550 --> 00:43:59,983
The healing power
of your booty, baby.

743
00:43:59,985 --> 00:44:01,551
And, young lady, did you notice?

744
00:44:01,553 --> 00:44:03,521
I never once fondled
my wife's titties

745
00:44:03,523 --> 00:44:05,388
at the dining room table.

746
00:44:05,390 --> 00:44:06,490
I'm so proud of you.

747
00:44:06,492 --> 00:44:08,925
I'm proud of you.

748
00:44:08,927 --> 00:44:12,229
- Shut the fuck up.
- Oh, oh, oh Jeez...

749
00:44:12,231 --> 00:44:15,332
Shut up.

750
00:44:15,334 --> 00:44:16,934
Pops.

751
00:44:16,936 --> 00:44:19,269
You shut the fuck up too.

752
00:44:19,271 --> 00:44:20,573
Hey, Poppy.

753
00:44:21,608 --> 00:44:22,508
Poppy, look at me. Hey.

754
00:44:23,575 --> 00:44:25,411
Put the gun down.

755
00:44:35,121 --> 00:44:38,222
So, anybody else...

756
00:44:38,224 --> 00:44:39,657
Anybody else peckish?
Anybody hungry?

757
00:44:39,659 --> 00:44:41,258
I'm hungry, anybody?

758
00:44:41,260 --> 00:44:42,459
[Tete] I could eat.

759
00:44:42,461 --> 00:44:44,562
Jean, what's for dinner?

760
00:44:44,564 --> 00:44:48,064
Hope it's not their casserole.
Tastes more like asserole.

761
00:44:48,066 --> 00:44:51,334
You people don't like
the food here, you can leave.

762
00:44:51,336 --> 00:44:53,403
Okay, do you hear me?

763
00:44:53,405 --> 00:44:56,843
I have just about enough
of all this bullshit.

764
00:44:58,211 --> 00:45:01,445
Ted, I don't know about
all this vampire,

765
00:45:01,447 --> 00:45:03,648
zombie nonsense,
whatever it is,

766
00:45:03,650 --> 00:45:05,983
but it's not gonna happen in my
family, you understand?

767
00:45:05,985 --> 00:45:08,919
- It's gonna stop right now.
- You're damn right.

768
00:45:08,921 --> 00:45:10,287
I'm still in charge
of this house.

769
00:45:10,289 --> 00:45:11,988
Wait, Olivia!

770
00:45:11,990 --> 00:45:15,528
Don't leave,
she's gonna bite you.

771
00:45:19,131 --> 00:45:21,200
She's gonna bite you.

772
00:45:25,637 --> 00:45:27,137
Olivia!

773
00:45:27,139 --> 00:45:28,305
[chanting]

774
00:45:28,307 --> 00:45:29,376
Olivia!

775
00:45:45,390 --> 00:45:49,225
Olivia?

776
00:45:49,227 --> 00:45:50,130
Olivia!

777
00:46:20,093 --> 00:46:22,996
Hi, this is Olivia, leave me a
message and I'll call you back.

778
00:46:27,300 --> 00:46:32,202
- [scream]
- Oh, shit!

779
00:46:32,204 --> 00:46:33,336
[roaring]

780
00:46:33,338 --> 00:46:34,307
[screams]

781
00:46:36,175 --> 00:46:37,544
[screams]

782
00:46:48,787 --> 00:46:51,689
Olivia?

783
00:46:51,691 --> 00:46:53,627
Olivia!

784
00:46:56,762 --> 00:46:57,663
Olivia?

785
00:47:04,070 --> 00:47:05,305
Hello!

786
00:47:06,238 --> 00:47:10,274
You don't look so good.
Love got you down?

787
00:47:10,276 --> 00:47:11,178
[laughs]

788
00:47:21,653 --> 00:47:26,189
Oh God, Olivia, there you are, I've
been looking all over for you.

789
00:47:26,191 --> 00:47:27,693
This place is so creepy.

790
00:47:32,465 --> 00:47:33,367
Are you okay?

791
00:47:34,834 --> 00:47:36,069
I mean, I have your shoe.

792
00:47:40,606 --> 00:47:43,673
Look, Olivia, I'm sorry, okay?
Please forgive me.

793
00:47:43,675 --> 00:47:44,710
I shouldn't have
taken you there.

794
00:47:45,644 --> 00:47:47,378
What is wrong with them?

795
00:47:47,380 --> 00:47:49,079
They're crazy.

796
00:47:49,081 --> 00:47:50,814
They think I'm a vampire.

797
00:47:50,816 --> 00:47:53,619
Yes, well,
they think I'm a zombie.

798
00:47:54,686 --> 00:47:57,521
My God, Ted,
you are a zombie, okay.

799
00:47:57,523 --> 00:48:00,457
You're in denial and I guess I'm
a fool for thinking I could

800
00:48:00,459 --> 00:48:03,429
trust a zombie, you're probably
just interested in my brains.

801
00:48:06,298 --> 00:48:08,599
Yes, well, for your information,
I think you're a vampire

802
00:48:08,601 --> 00:48:11,234
and I suppose all you're
interested in is my blood, right?

803
00:48:11,236 --> 00:48:12,769
Maybe.

804
00:48:12,771 --> 00:48:16,340
Then, go ahead, Olivia, bite me.

805
00:48:16,342 --> 00:48:17,610
Oh, I'm so tempted.

806
00:48:19,244 --> 00:48:21,245
Yes, well, I'm tempted
to eat your brains.

807
00:48:21,247 --> 00:48:24,618
Well, then go ahead, eat my brains,
Ted, you zombie, eat them.

808
00:48:25,852 --> 00:48:27,087
[groaning]

809
00:48:38,631 --> 00:48:40,430
[moaning]

810
00:48:40,432 --> 00:48:42,201
Are you okay,
Olivia, did I hurt you?

811
00:48:59,385 --> 00:49:00,517
No.

812
00:49:00,519 --> 00:49:01,885
I'm sorry.

813
00:49:01,887 --> 00:49:02,852
Olivia, are you okay?

814
00:49:02,854 --> 00:49:04,356
No, no, I'm okay.

815
00:49:07,660 --> 00:49:09,663
I would never want
to hurt you, okay.

816
00:49:11,197 --> 00:49:12,099
I love you.

817
00:49:13,365 --> 00:49:15,101
What the hell
are we gonna do?

818
00:49:16,202 --> 00:49:17,838
You're a zombie and I'm
a fucking vampire.

819
00:49:19,939 --> 00:49:23,774
Yes, well, I guess
it all make sense now.

820
00:49:23,776 --> 00:49:27,380
You understood why I'm tempted
to bite people's heads.

821
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:31,184
I want to bite
your neck so bad.

822
00:49:35,421 --> 00:49:37,320
How did this happen?

823
00:49:37,322 --> 00:49:39,823
I don't want
to hurt anyone, Ted.

824
00:49:39,825 --> 00:49:41,258
Neither do I.

825
00:49:41,260 --> 00:49:42,660
Let's make a pact.

826
00:49:42,662 --> 00:49:44,898
Like a blood pact?

827
00:49:46,831 --> 00:49:49,233
No, probably
not a good idea.

828
00:49:49,235 --> 00:49:50,137
Pinky pact.

829
00:49:50,970 --> 00:49:52,736
Nobody has to die.

830
00:49:52,738 --> 00:49:55,372
Nobody that
isn't already dead.

831
00:49:55,374 --> 00:49:56,510
Right.

832
00:49:58,311 --> 00:49:59,778
Promise you'll
stay with me forever?

833
00:50:02,814 --> 00:50:04,184
[music]

834
00:50:07,820 --> 00:50:10,724
Forever could be
a really long time for us.

835
00:50:13,425 --> 00:50:14,691
Yes.

836
00:50:14,693 --> 00:50:15,728
[soft music]

837
00:50:25,972 --> 00:50:26,872
Thank you.

838
00:50:30,776 --> 00:50:31,811
[howling]

839
00:50:36,414 --> 00:50:37,316
Wolfgang?

840
00:50:38,416 --> 00:50:39,617
Hi, Wolfgang.

841
00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:40,553
Hey, Ted.

842
00:50:41,653 --> 00:50:42,588
Hey, Olivia.

843
00:50:52,999 --> 00:50:54,568
Watch out for the alligators.

844
00:50:57,003 --> 00:50:57,938
They're terrifying.

845
00:51:03,508 --> 00:51:04,543
I love you, Ted.

846
00:51:05,443 --> 00:51:06,880
[music]

847
00:51:15,854 --> 00:51:18,757
Well, if it isn't
Lazy one and Lazy two.

848
00:51:20,626 --> 00:51:21,528
I don't get it.

849
00:51:22,727 --> 00:51:24,630
It's a Dr. Seuss
reference, dipshit.

850
00:51:27,032 --> 00:51:29,633
Anyway, I'm just coming by to
make sure some work is getting

851
00:51:29,635 --> 00:51:33,771
done around here, that nobody's
being a zombie.

852
00:51:33,773 --> 00:51:35,275
[laughs]

853
00:51:42,081 --> 00:51:46,350
[laughs and coughs]

854
00:51:46,352 --> 00:51:47,454
Zombie!

855
00:51:48,753 --> 00:51:51,323
That is funny stuff,
come on [laughs].

856
00:52:01,434 --> 00:52:04,568
Best worker competition's right
around the corner, you know.

857
00:52:04,570 --> 00:52:06,537
Best worker, best worker.

858
00:52:06,539 --> 00:52:07,439
Over here [laughs].

859
00:52:08,506 --> 00:52:11,341
Yes, I am working so ultra hard.

860
00:52:11,343 --> 00:52:12,675
It is exhausting.

861
00:52:12,677 --> 00:52:14,546
Seriously.

862
00:52:16,014 --> 00:52:17,680
What?

863
00:52:17,682 --> 00:52:18,651
What are you working on?

864
00:52:19,753 --> 00:52:22,488
Me? I'm working on the numbers
for stateside, sir.

865
00:52:24,023 --> 00:52:24,923
And?

866
00:52:27,425 --> 00:52:30,526
Spreadsheet for your
afternoon meeting, sir.

867
00:52:30,528 --> 00:52:31,430
Very good.

868
00:52:32,532 --> 00:52:34,765
Better be careful, you just
might win best worker.

869
00:52:34,767 --> 00:52:35,669
No, that's me.

870
00:52:37,001 --> 00:52:39,503
I'm really not
worried about that.

871
00:52:39,505 --> 00:52:40,604
Nor should you be.

872
00:52:40,606 --> 00:52:42,472
You're gonna lose.

873
00:52:42,474 --> 00:52:43,673
[laughs]

874
00:52:43,675 --> 00:52:44,675
[laughs]

875
00:52:44,677 --> 00:52:45,745
So funny... [laughs]

876
00:52:46,845 --> 00:52:48,379
I get it.

877
00:52:48,381 --> 00:52:51,148
- Funny guy.
- You're the boss. Funny.

878
00:52:51,150 --> 00:52:55,151
Hey. I think I deserve
a little respect around here.

879
00:52:55,153 --> 00:52:58,454
You might want to comb your
hair once in a while, Ted.

880
00:52:58,456 --> 00:52:59,358
What?

881
00:53:00,226 --> 00:53:01,825
Anyway, seems
like you two are getting

882
00:53:01,827 --> 00:53:04,794
along pretty well with my
new secretary, Bonnie.

883
00:53:04,796 --> 00:53:06,365
Yes, she's really nice.

884
00:53:09,001 --> 00:53:12,568
Just not so sure
how smart old Bon-Bon is,

885
00:53:12,570 --> 00:53:14,470
you know what I'm saying?
[laughs]

886
00:53:14,472 --> 00:53:16,840
You don't know
how smart she is?

887
00:53:16,842 --> 00:53:22,012
Frank, what is that?

888
00:53:22,014 --> 00:53:24,515
I mean, what is that?

889
00:53:24,517 --> 00:53:26,086
Is that another one
of your stupid jokes?

890
00:53:28,653 --> 00:53:31,954
You can call me
Lazy one or Lazy two or any

891
00:53:31,956 --> 00:53:36,760
other names that you want,
but you leave Bonnie alone.

892
00:53:36,762 --> 00:53:39,032
Bonnie is not the best worker.

893
00:53:40,965 --> 00:53:42,899
I suggest you watch
how you talk

894
00:53:42,901 --> 00:53:44,403
to me if you want to
keep your job.

895
00:53:45,871 --> 00:53:47,704
You can call me Mr. Lee.

896
00:53:47,706 --> 00:53:49,439
- Mr. Lee.
- Yes?

897
00:53:49,441 --> 00:53:50,941
I've found your loofa.

898
00:53:50,943 --> 00:53:53,142
Also need you to sign
a few things for me.

899
00:53:53,144 --> 00:53:57,150
Hey, you might want to tell your
boyfriend here to watch his...

900
00:53:59,751 --> 00:54:00,786
ass.

901
00:54:08,126 --> 00:54:10,093
What was that all about?

902
00:54:10,095 --> 00:54:13,700
Well, old Ricky here
just kicked Frank Lee's...

903
00:54:14,767 --> 00:54:16,733
ass, is what he did.

904
00:54:16,735 --> 00:54:18,167
- Really?
- Yes.

905
00:54:18,169 --> 00:54:20,572
That is pretty sexy.

906
00:54:22,541 --> 00:54:23,907
Are you coming to lunch?

907
00:54:23,909 --> 00:54:26,075
Yes, I'll meet
you guys over there.

908
00:54:26,077 --> 00:54:26,979
[background noise]

909
00:54:36,055 --> 00:54:39,490
Ted, you've got to
help me get Bonnie to

910
00:54:39,492 --> 00:54:42,162
the basement for
a surprise before Monday.

911
00:54:43,162 --> 00:54:46,666
What's the surprise now
and what's going on Monday?

912
00:54:47,932 --> 00:54:49,633
I'll get that.

913
00:54:49,635 --> 00:54:53,640
Monday is when they
announce best worker.

914
00:54:55,874 --> 00:55:00,209
You know Bonnie's deciding that, right? Is
that why you want to give her something?

915
00:55:00,211 --> 00:55:05,649
What? Then she will... Then
she'll ultra choose herself.

916
00:55:05,651 --> 00:55:08,952
- This is...
- No. No, Mel, she can't choose herself.

917
00:55:08,954 --> 00:55:10,553
She can't be best worker.

918
00:55:10,555 --> 00:55:12,289
She has to count all the votes,

919
00:55:12,291 --> 00:55:15,995
and then if there's a tie, she
gets to decide who wins it.

920
00:55:21,133 --> 00:55:23,700
That is not... [laughing]

921
00:55:23,702 --> 00:55:27,704
So not what I thought.

922
00:55:27,706 --> 00:55:31,975
This is ultra interesting,
see you later.

923
00:55:31,977 --> 00:55:32,912
What?

924
00:55:33,912 --> 00:55:35,014
[music]

925
00:55:51,564 --> 00:55:52,632
Can I have that?

926
00:55:53,865 --> 00:55:54,566
Sure.

927
00:55:56,769 --> 00:55:59,236
There's something
I need to say.

928
00:55:59,238 --> 00:56:02,606
I know all of you have known for
a while now, but

929
00:56:02,608 --> 00:56:03,943
I am a zombie.

930
00:56:06,711 --> 00:56:08,345
A zombie?

931
00:56:08,347 --> 00:56:11,918
Yep, a zombie named Ted.

932
00:56:14,586 --> 00:56:16,523
I'm feeling
pretty dumb these days.

933
00:56:17,756 --> 00:56:21,261
Excellent, Grendel,
I am so happy for you.

934
00:56:22,927 --> 00:56:23,896
I am a vampire.

935
00:56:25,064 --> 00:56:25,965
I knew that.

936
00:56:30,302 --> 00:56:36,039
These lollipops I always suck on,
I make them myself out of blood.

937
00:56:36,041 --> 00:56:36,943
[gagging]

938
00:56:38,910 --> 00:56:40,746
See, I knew you guys would
think that was gross.

939
00:56:42,881 --> 00:56:46,586
Ted, how is this knowledge affecting
the way you feel about Olivia?

940
00:56:48,621 --> 00:56:49,722
Doesn't matter to me.

941
00:56:54,093 --> 00:56:56,996
I have the cutest
patients [laughs].

942
00:57:00,331 --> 00:57:02,399
I guess eating
bloody pops isn't

943
00:57:02,401 --> 00:57:04,166
as a big deal
as I thought it was.

944
00:57:04,168 --> 00:57:05,702
Do you have to
call them that?

945
00:57:05,704 --> 00:57:07,137
Where do you
get the blood from?

946
00:57:07,139 --> 00:57:10,140
The hospital usually,
the morgue too.

947
00:57:10,142 --> 00:57:11,077
[vomiting]

948
00:57:12,910 --> 00:57:14,244
Hey, are you okay?

949
00:57:14,246 --> 00:57:15,180
[vomiting]

950
00:57:32,064 --> 00:57:33,930
That's actually
a really good idea, honey.

951
00:57:33,932 --> 00:57:35,767
- That way, no one has to die.
- Yes.

952
00:57:37,836 --> 00:57:40,937
Your little ploy of making
me slip on ice cream down

953
00:57:40,939 --> 00:57:44,944
the steps may have worked,
Candy, but I am still alive.

954
00:57:46,110 --> 00:57:49,445
Not only that, but the handsome
doctor who bandaged me up

955
00:57:49,447 --> 00:57:52,682
was none other than your
high school sweetheart.

956
00:57:52,684 --> 00:57:54,184
The one that got away [laughs].

957
00:57:54,186 --> 00:57:57,356
We made passionate love
when he was done.

958
00:57:58,423 --> 00:57:59,955
[screams]

959
00:57:59,957 --> 00:58:02,124
None of my
patients listen to me.

960
00:58:02,126 --> 00:58:06,398
Mr. Van Tadan, can you please
go back to my office right now.

961
00:58:09,267 --> 00:58:10,168
Please.

962
00:58:15,139 --> 00:58:17,374
I don't need you, Norah.

963
00:58:17,376 --> 00:58:18,941
Yes, you do.

964
00:58:18,943 --> 00:58:20,477
- I don't. No.
- You do. Yes.

965
00:58:20,479 --> 00:58:22,715
- I don't!
- You do!

966
00:58:23,948 --> 00:58:25,385
I don't need you!

967
00:58:26,318 --> 00:58:28,251
Yes, you do.

968
00:58:28,253 --> 00:58:29,789
I don't [screaming].

969
00:58:35,927 --> 00:58:37,095
[whistling]

970
00:58:40,499 --> 00:58:42,966
How's my
favorite secretary doing?

971
00:58:42,968 --> 00:58:45,001
About to put in her notice.

972
00:58:45,003 --> 00:58:47,236
Say what, why?

973
00:58:47,238 --> 00:58:50,242
I applied for
Frank's job and I got it.

974
00:58:51,175 --> 00:58:56,345
[laughs] They've been grooming her
for this, and Frank has no idea.

975
00:58:56,347 --> 00:58:57,416
[coughing]

976
00:58:59,383 --> 00:59:02,519
- Oh, man!
- We all deserve some changes around here.

977
00:59:02,521 --> 00:59:04,521
What's today?

978
00:59:04,523 --> 00:59:06,155
Monday.

979
00:59:06,157 --> 00:59:08,325
It's a trick question [laughs].

980
00:59:08,327 --> 00:59:11,294
Today is the day that
someone ultra special

981
00:59:11,296 --> 00:59:14,131
gets the trophy for
the best worker.

982
00:59:14,133 --> 00:59:15,532
I hope you get it.

983
00:59:15,534 --> 00:59:17,934
Hey, you know,
I voted for you, Mel.

984
00:59:17,936 --> 00:59:19,035
So did I.

985
00:59:19,037 --> 00:59:21,037
I like zombies.

986
00:59:21,039 --> 00:59:22,972
Just don't eat my brains, Ted.

987
00:59:22,974 --> 00:59:25,508
I don't want to
eat your brains, Mel.

988
00:59:25,510 --> 00:59:28,313
Guys, I don't want to
hurt anybody.

989
00:59:29,314 --> 00:59:32,115
All right, look, I realize
I've been in denial.

990
00:59:32,117 --> 00:59:34,283
And this is more than
just a skin thing.

991
00:59:34,285 --> 00:59:38,256
Obviously, I am a zombie.

992
00:59:40,291 --> 00:59:42,160
I'm sorry for freaking
you guys out so much.

993
00:59:45,430 --> 00:59:48,131
Well, I guess
now is as a good a time

994
00:59:48,133 --> 00:59:51,100
as any to hand out the
best worker trophy.

995
00:59:51,102 --> 00:59:52,003
Yes.

996
00:59:53,372 --> 00:59:56,840
Okay, Frank Lee
asked me to do the

997
00:59:56,842 --> 00:59:59,809
presentation, so if everyone
would gather around.

998
00:59:59,811 --> 01:00:01,878
The votes have been
tallied and so without

999
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:06,983
further ado, the best
worker award goes to...

1000
01:00:06,985 --> 01:00:08,017
Mel!

1001
01:00:08,019 --> 01:00:08,920
[applause]

1002
01:00:13,992 --> 01:00:15,925
Thank God, I got the award.

1003
01:00:15,927 --> 01:00:20,198
Me trying to do...
I'm so happy.

1004
01:00:21,099 --> 01:00:23,566
- Okay, Mel. Okay, Mel!
- Thank you.

1005
01:00:23,568 --> 01:00:26,403
Here you go,
you certainly deserve this.

1006
01:00:26,405 --> 01:00:29,840
- You are a very hard worker.
- You feel good, thank you.

1007
01:00:29,842 --> 01:00:33,577
I don't think anybody else deserves
this award more than you do.

1008
01:00:33,579 --> 01:00:34,577
Thank you.

1009
01:00:34,579 --> 01:00:35,845
[clapping]

1010
01:00:35,847 --> 01:00:37,215
Congrats.

1011
01:00:39,151 --> 01:00:43,289
Police!
Police with captives.

1012
01:00:48,994 --> 01:00:50,463
Melthius Corpus Lithium.

1013
01:00:54,365 --> 01:00:55,267
That's me.

1014
01:00:56,300 --> 01:00:57,402
What kind
of name is that?

1015
01:00:58,336 --> 01:01:01,238
- Oh, well... It's Californian.
- Oh.

1016
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:03,640
- Yeah.
- Make sense.

1017
01:01:03,642 --> 01:01:06,008
Now maybe you can tell us
why we found these missing

1018
01:01:06,010 --> 01:01:08,044
people locked in a room in the
basement of this building?

1019
01:01:08,046 --> 01:01:09,148
Yeah.

1020
01:01:11,650 --> 01:01:14,984
Well, they got food.
I gave them food.

1021
01:01:14,986 --> 01:01:16,452
The food
actually wasn't that bad.

1022
01:01:16,454 --> 01:01:18,387
We've got a rodent problem
down there.

1023
01:01:18,389 --> 01:01:19,890
It also gets
really cold at night.

1024
01:01:19,892 --> 01:01:21,024
It does
get cold, it got cold.

1025
01:01:21,026 --> 01:01:22,626
I gave them blankets.

1026
01:01:22,628 --> 01:01:26,329
And they were thin.
No, thanks. They were thin.

1027
01:01:26,331 --> 01:01:32,301
To be fair, Mel did get me
a lovely birthday gift.

1028
01:01:32,303 --> 01:01:34,907
That was super.
Thank you.

1029
01:01:37,541 --> 01:01:39,910
Yes, but these peoples' families
have been missing them.

1030
01:01:39,912 --> 01:01:45,551
Well, they can all go home now
because I'm best worker now.

1031
01:01:46,584 --> 01:01:48,251
Thanks, hold the applause.

1032
01:01:48,253 --> 01:01:51,521
Hold on, that's
what this is all about?

1033
01:01:51,523 --> 01:01:53,689
You locked these people
in a basement so that

1034
01:01:53,691 --> 01:01:57,028
- they couldn't win the best worker trophy?
- Uh, yeah.

1035
01:01:58,262 --> 01:01:59,528
- Give me that trophy.
- No, no.

1036
01:01:59,530 --> 01:02:02,499
- No, no...
- Yes.

1037
01:02:02,501 --> 01:02:06,005
You don't deserve it.
Thank you.

1038
01:02:07,005 --> 01:02:10,439
Mel, you can't win best worker if
you lock people up in a basement.

1039
01:02:10,441 --> 01:02:13,008
- I didn't know that.
- Does anyone know

1040
01:02:13,010 --> 01:02:15,146
what Jimi Hendrix is saying
in Purple Haze?

1041
01:02:17,682 --> 01:02:19,184
Never mind all that.

1042
01:02:20,452 --> 01:02:23,119
Melthius, none of these people
have decided to press charges.

1043
01:02:23,121 --> 01:02:25,457
Which means, we are not
going to arrest you today.

1044
01:02:26,457 --> 01:02:29,492
But I suggest you don't do anything
like this ever again, you hear me?

1045
01:02:29,494 --> 01:02:31,695
I hear you.
Hear you.

1046
01:02:31,697 --> 01:02:33,595
Mel, and
whoever is going to be

1047
01:02:33,597 --> 01:02:36,099
the one that wins the
best worker trophy,

1048
01:02:36,101 --> 01:02:39,336
it's gonna be a person who doesn't
lock their co-workers in a basement.

1049
01:02:39,338 --> 01:02:41,437
- Yeah.
- Sorry, guys.

1050
01:02:41,439 --> 01:02:44,006
Sometimes other people
have to win the trophy.

1051
01:02:44,008 --> 01:02:46,309
Mel, if I can be a zombie
and not eat people, I think

1052
01:02:46,311 --> 01:02:48,477
you can be the best worker
here and not lock people up.

1053
01:02:48,479 --> 01:02:50,113
Zombie.

1054
01:02:50,115 --> 01:02:51,747
All right, yes, I'm
a zombie, all right.

1055
01:02:51,749 --> 01:02:53,283
Get over it.

1056
01:02:53,285 --> 01:02:55,417
Let's get
out of here, sergeant.

1057
01:02:55,419 --> 01:02:56,352
Bye.

1058
01:02:56,354 --> 01:02:57,456
Be good.

1059
01:02:59,490 --> 01:03:03,061
Captives [claps] be gone.

1060
01:03:10,535 --> 01:03:11,437
[singing]

1061
01:03:21,079 --> 01:03:23,950
All right Poppy old man,
let's get this party started.

1062
01:03:24,782 --> 01:03:27,719
I will go first
as first lady.

1063
01:03:28,753 --> 01:03:32,021
Carey always got to be first.

1064
01:03:32,023 --> 01:03:35,591
Dear Carey, though you
are no direct relation to me,

1065
01:03:35,593 --> 01:03:39,428
and I don't think you got
much in the way of brains.

1066
01:03:39,430 --> 01:03:41,765
Shut up, you old fool.
Shut up, Poppy.

1067
01:03:41,767 --> 01:03:43,666
You go ahead, baby.

1068
01:03:43,668 --> 01:03:46,037
I think you
and your dumb husband...

1069
01:03:47,072 --> 01:03:48,470
Dumb, son of a bitch.

1070
01:03:48,472 --> 01:03:51,441
Look, I'm sorry.
Keep reading, sweetheart.

1071
01:03:51,443 --> 01:03:53,742
...should go
to the White House.

1072
01:03:53,744 --> 01:03:56,081
Where a bunch of other
dummies have lived

1073
01:03:56,782 --> 01:03:59,651
so I've left you enough
money to do that.

1074
01:04:01,485 --> 01:04:03,385
There is a bag
with your name on it.

1075
01:04:03,387 --> 01:04:05,056
[indistinct]

1076
01:04:06,258 --> 01:04:08,725
Take that,
all you naysayers.

1077
01:04:08,727 --> 01:04:11,628
America or boom!

1078
01:04:11,630 --> 01:04:12,530
[shouting]

1079
01:04:14,099 --> 01:04:16,235
It's a funeral
for God's sakes.

1080
01:04:17,735 --> 01:04:20,070
Okay,
I get it, I get it.

1081
01:04:20,072 --> 01:04:23,372
Excuse me, everybody,
for boning my wife

1082
01:04:23,374 --> 01:04:25,343
in front of the ashes
of your dead daddy.

1083
01:04:26,445 --> 01:04:30,713
I think my gorgeous wife
deserves the honor to read ours.

1084
01:04:30,715 --> 01:04:33,082
By the way, you look
mighty pretty today.

1085
01:04:33,084 --> 01:04:36,852
Thank you, baby, but I
can't take all the credit.

1086
01:04:36,854 --> 01:04:42,660
I've been using Infinite Naturals and
it has been clearing up my skin.

1087
01:04:44,095 --> 01:04:45,628
It is good for the hands,

1088
01:04:45,630 --> 01:04:48,401
the face, and every bumpy place.

1089
01:04:49,300 --> 01:04:53,470
- Infinite Naturals...
- [all together] ...is naturally infinite.

1090
01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:54,607
[laughs]

1091
01:04:56,273 --> 01:04:57,442
Here we go.

1092
01:04:59,543 --> 01:05:04,582
Dear, Jorge, that wife
of yours can't cook.

1093
01:05:05,684 --> 01:05:10,320
I was never proud of
you, son, but you tried.

1094
01:05:10,322 --> 01:05:17,227
Irregardless, fuckers, I'm
leaving you and Jean a bag.

1095
01:05:17,229 --> 01:05:19,595
Hallelujah.
Thank you, Jesus.

1096
01:05:19,597 --> 01:05:22,499
Well, Pops, you
were a pain in the ass

1097
01:05:22,501 --> 01:05:24,637
till the end,
but I'm gonna miss you.

1098
01:05:25,537 --> 01:05:29,539
[laughs] Darling...
This is it.

1099
01:05:29,541 --> 01:05:30,508
[shouting]

1100
01:05:32,309 --> 01:05:33,809
[crosstalk]
Money in that bag.

1101
01:05:33,811 --> 01:05:35,447
Welcome to the rich club.

1102
01:05:36,715 --> 01:05:38,684
Go ahead, son.
It's your turn.

1103
01:05:42,354 --> 01:05:47,393
Dear, Ted, you were the only
one that I loved, except Linda.

1104
01:05:49,727 --> 01:05:51,727
But there at the end,
you were a zombie,

1105
01:05:51,729 --> 01:05:54,132
and I just can't
tolerate that.

1106
01:05:56,468 --> 01:05:58,471
So, no money for you,

1107
01:06:00,771 --> 01:06:04,142
but I did leave you some coupons
to help with expenses.

1108
01:06:05,709 --> 01:06:07,676
- Luck!
- Sorry, son.

1109
01:06:07,678 --> 01:06:08,881
My turn.

1110
01:06:10,916 --> 01:06:15,584
My darling Linda,
love of my life.

1111
01:06:15,586 --> 01:06:18,887
The biggest bag is
of course for you

1112
01:06:18,889 --> 01:06:22,225
and will allow you to
finish your sorcery training

1113
01:06:22,227 --> 01:06:27,363
and do any other damn thing you
please, forever in my memory.

1114
01:06:27,365 --> 01:06:29,602
That's some
bullshit right there.

1115
01:06:31,369 --> 01:06:32,801
There is my new boyfriend.

1116
01:06:32,803 --> 01:06:34,903
I'll be practicing
my newest love spell

1117
01:06:34,905 --> 01:06:37,275
on him
right about now [laughs].

1118
01:06:40,544 --> 01:06:42,445
Tata, everyone.

1119
01:06:42,447 --> 01:06:44,513
Don't miss me too much.

1120
01:06:44,515 --> 01:06:45,416
[laughs]

1121
01:06:51,423 --> 01:06:53,726
Thank God that bitch is gone.

1122
01:07:09,407 --> 01:07:10,309
[boom]

1123
01:07:12,410 --> 01:07:13,779
What was that?

1124
01:07:16,581 --> 01:07:18,615
Poppy blew that woman up.

1125
01:07:18,617 --> 01:07:19,615
[boom]

1126
01:07:19,617 --> 01:07:21,251
Red flag.

1127
01:07:21,253 --> 01:07:23,452
God may not be here
when you want Him,

1128
01:07:23,454 --> 01:07:25,490
but He's always right on time.

1129
01:07:28,626 --> 01:07:30,762
I think we can
all agree with my bitch.

1130
01:07:32,597 --> 01:07:35,798
- Let's check out the loot.
- [all cheering]

1131
01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:38,504
Wait, wait!
Be careful now.

1132
01:07:39,704 --> 01:07:40,606
I think it's safe.

1133
01:07:43,441 --> 01:07:45,575
Yes, yes, yes.

1134
01:07:45,577 --> 01:07:49,912
No, stop! Stop celebrating.
It's fake.

1135
01:07:49,914 --> 01:07:52,251
- It's fake.
- Oh, no. No, no, no!

1136
01:07:53,651 --> 01:07:55,017
[crying]
Oh, my God.

1137
01:07:55,019 --> 01:07:56,686
No, no, no.

1138
01:07:56,688 --> 01:07:57,590
[crying]

1139
01:07:59,057 --> 01:08:03,526
I wish I could burn
your ass up more right now.

1140
01:08:03,528 --> 01:08:06,296
Be strong.
Baby, be strong.

1141
01:08:06,298 --> 01:08:11,066
I wanted to get daddy
[indistinct] so much hatred.

1142
01:08:11,068 --> 01:08:12,568
[crying]

1143
01:08:12,570 --> 01:08:15,704
What's to come
of our country?

1144
01:08:15,706 --> 01:08:20,376
I was gonna get you a
prosthetic and surprise you.

1145
01:08:20,378 --> 01:08:24,846
[crying] This is not
what George Washington died for.

1146
01:08:24,848 --> 01:08:28,083
[crying] I wanted you
to hold me with both arms.

1147
01:08:28,085 --> 01:08:30,619
[sobbing noises]

1148
01:08:30,621 --> 01:08:32,922
I can't hold myself.

1149
01:08:32,924 --> 01:08:33,959
[all are crying]

1150
01:08:40,831 --> 01:08:42,700
I am sensitive
to Infinite Naturals.

1151
01:08:43,968 --> 01:08:45,371
Oh God.

1152
01:08:50,541 --> 01:08:51,876
[Ted] It isn't
the end of the world.

1153
01:08:53,812 --> 01:08:54,713
Yes, it is.

1154
01:08:56,747 --> 01:09:00,048
Listen, I am not
gonna mistreat you, OK?

1155
01:09:00,050 --> 01:09:01,486
What good would that do?

1156
01:09:02,420 --> 01:09:05,658
I want you to care about
your job, and work hard.

1157
01:09:06,590 --> 01:09:09,762
If you can learn to do that,
and treat people better,

1158
01:09:11,062 --> 01:09:14,032
sure we can find a place
for you in some capacity.

1159
01:09:15,032 --> 01:09:16,302
In some capacity?

1160
01:09:19,771 --> 01:09:23,942
What? Like the janitor,
or pool boy?

1161
01:09:25,410 --> 01:09:26,842
We have a pool here?

1162
01:09:26,844 --> 01:09:29,078
We don't have a pool here.

1163
01:09:29,080 --> 01:09:33,916
Listen, why don't you take a
week off, and when you get

1164
01:09:33,918 --> 01:09:38,589
back, we can sit down and find
a place that fits for you.

1165
01:09:39,758 --> 01:09:42,594
I'm sure you have some family who
would want to see more of you.

1166
01:09:45,696 --> 01:09:46,697
No, I don't.

1167
01:09:49,867 --> 01:09:52,103
I think it would help
if you took some time off.

1168
01:09:54,472 --> 01:09:55,374
Oh, gosh.

1169
01:09:58,576 --> 01:10:00,012
Frank, do you want a hug?

1170
01:10:01,879 --> 01:10:03,681
Okay, come on.
Bring it in.

1171
01:10:08,887 --> 01:10:09,985
[sobbing]

1172
01:10:09,987 --> 01:10:11,055
Okay.

1173
01:10:13,191 --> 01:10:14,626
Look, you are
sitting in my chair.

1174
01:10:23,867 --> 01:10:25,704
I'm gonna need you to get up.

1175
01:10:27,104 --> 01:10:28,374
[sigh]

1176
01:10:29,139 --> 01:10:30,642
[upbeat music]

1177
01:10:43,120 --> 01:10:44,854
Let me see what kind of
coupons he gave you.

1178
01:10:44,856 --> 01:10:48,393
That's for
cereal or something.

1179
01:10:51,228 --> 01:10:52,164
Oh, look at that.

1180
01:10:53,531 --> 01:10:57,166
There is a letter in here for you
from your grandfather, dumb ass.

1181
01:10:57,168 --> 01:11:00,539
- You want to see what it says?
- Th...

1182
01:11:01,973 --> 01:11:05,041
[grandfather's voice] Dear Teddy, you
didn't really think I'd only leave you

1183
01:11:05,043 --> 01:11:08,080
a cereal coupon,
did you? You fucking tool.

1184
01:11:09,580 --> 01:11:12,815
You've known your whole life what the
rest of those idiots will never know

1185
01:11:12,817 --> 01:11:16,822
which is money can't buy you love.
You will know what to do with this.

1186
01:11:17,789 --> 01:11:22,091
I have enclosed Dan Bishop's business card.
He's the man at Dintuck & Blitzer Bank

1187
01:11:22,093 --> 01:11:23,860
and will help you
access your money.

1188
01:11:23,862 --> 01:11:25,560
Don't let me down, buddy.

1189
01:11:25,562 --> 01:11:28,998
Love forever, your Poppy.

1190
01:11:29,000 --> 01:11:32,168
- Ted!
- [laughs] Are you kidding me?

1191
01:11:32,170 --> 01:11:34,002
Wow.
I can't believe this.

1192
01:11:34,004 --> 01:11:37,172
Dang, Ted. You might just be
the richest zombie alive.

1193
01:11:37,174 --> 01:11:39,878
The richest zombie...
alive?

1194
01:11:40,879 --> 01:11:45,017
I'm the richest
zombie dead... named Ted.

1195
01:11:47,285 --> 01:11:48,653
My God.

1196
01:11:50,088 --> 01:11:51,220
Come on, guys.

1197
01:11:51,222 --> 01:11:52,558
[music]

1198
01:11:54,259 --> 01:11:55,925
[Bonnie] So crazy.

1199
01:11:55,927 --> 01:11:57,793
[laughs]

1200
01:11:57,795 --> 01:11:59,198
[happy music]

1201
01:12:14,077 --> 01:12:16,247
♪♪

1202
01:14:22,173 --> 01:14:24,073
- [Crew] Marker.
- [indistinct], zombie.

1203
01:14:24,075 --> 01:14:26,307
Please don't hurt me.

1204
01:14:26,309 --> 01:14:29,310
Can you start?
Now you could think about it.

1205
01:14:29,312 --> 01:14:30,846
Oh my God.
Mel, Mel!

1206
01:14:30,848 --> 01:14:32,914
[making zombie sounds]

1207
01:14:32,916 --> 01:14:34,249
[roaring]

1208
01:14:34,251 --> 01:14:36,886
- [indistinct]
- [roaring]

1209
01:14:36,888 --> 01:14:38,820
20 crackers.
Take four.

1210
01:14:38,822 --> 01:14:41,360
You're dumb, Ted.
[laughs] Sorry.

1211
01:14:42,427 --> 01:14:45,394
- I'm just...
- [woman] Sick and tired?

1212
01:14:45,396 --> 01:14:47,962
[laughs] Give me a sec, okay.

1213
01:14:47,964 --> 01:14:49,333
I'm in love with you.

1214
01:14:50,468 --> 01:14:52,467
Okay.
I'll get this.

1215
01:14:52,469 --> 01:14:56,139
Look, I'm just sick and tired
of people calling me a zombie.

1216
01:15:00,010 --> 01:15:01,043
Excuse me.

1217
01:15:01,045 --> 01:15:02,410
Oh my God.

1218
01:15:02,412 --> 01:15:04,980
- Before you have sex.
- Mel!

1219
01:15:04,982 --> 01:15:06,315
Could you please,
hand me my sandwich.

1220
01:15:06,317 --> 01:15:07,949
- No.
- I think she's lying on it.

1221
01:15:07,951 --> 01:15:09,752
- How the...
- Scene three Echo, take one.

1222
01:15:09,754 --> 01:15:11,252
- [Crew] rolling.
- I forgot my line.

1223
01:15:11,254 --> 01:15:12,156
Damn it.

1224
01:15:14,791 --> 01:15:16,092
- [indistinct]
- Oh, sorry.

1225
01:15:16,094 --> 01:15:18,196
[all laugh]

1226
01:15:21,499 --> 01:15:26,101
I think I just need to... I need to
write down another note with myself.

1227
01:15:26,103 --> 01:15:29,872
Where is it? My pen, damn it,
Ted, did you eat my pen?

1228
01:15:29,874 --> 01:15:32,010
- [Crew 1] Rolling.
- [Crew 2] Marker.

1229
01:15:32,977 --> 01:15:36,412
I'm sorry, I'm laughing.
I'm sorry.

1230
01:15:36,414 --> 01:15:38,717
[Crew] Marker.

1231
01:15:42,152 --> 01:15:44,319
- [all laughs]
- [indistinct]

1232
01:15:44,321 --> 01:15:45,222
Marker.

1233
01:15:49,826 --> 01:15:50,728
Hi, Ricky.

1234
01:15:51,963 --> 01:15:52,997
Hi, Ricky.

1235
01:15:54,932 --> 01:15:56,001
[crew laughs]

1236
01:15:57,235 --> 01:16:01,106
So Ricky's there? So, seriously,
are you still rolling or what?

1237
01:16:03,040 --> 01:16:05,277
- What? sorry.
- It's okay.

1238
01:16:06,244 --> 01:16:09,145
Oh my God. You see what you did?
You broke it.

1239
01:16:09,147 --> 01:16:11,180
- Can I help...
- No, no you can't.

1240
01:16:11,182 --> 01:16:14,086
That was because your moral
character was not sound enough.

1241
01:16:15,052 --> 01:16:16,188
[music]

1242
01:16:47,117 --> 01:16:50,819
[Crew] Bravo 5 Kilo, take one.
Marker.

1243
01:16:50,821 --> 01:16:54,523
Now, quick making those wishes.
What are they? Give them to me.

1244
01:16:54,525 --> 01:16:59,928
The wishes would be,
I wish she would.

1245
01:16:59,930 --> 01:17:01,297
That's not three wishes.

1246
01:17:01,299 --> 01:17:03,199
- No.
- That's four words.

1247
01:17:03,201 --> 01:17:05,501
I wish sh'would.

1248
01:17:05,503 --> 01:17:07,203
Must be deaf then.

1249
01:17:07,205 --> 01:17:09,941
- [Crew] What did you say?
- I said we need a shift.

1250
01:17:12,375 --> 01:17:14,976
You know, I just realized
that sh'would is not a word.

1251
01:17:14,978 --> 01:17:17,546
- So, what makes you think that I'm a zombie?
- I just get the feeling

1252
01:17:17,548 --> 01:17:21,350
- that you're gonna eat my head at any second.
- That's a very false...

1253
01:17:21,352 --> 01:17:24,520
- It's called zombie-ism as far as I know.
- Yeah, but that's...

1254
01:17:24,522 --> 01:17:26,521
Look at the way you're
looking at my noggin right now.

1255
01:17:26,523 --> 01:17:27,590
[Crew] Scene 19.

1256
01:17:27,592 --> 01:17:28,891
Excuse me for fondling

1257
01:17:28,893 --> 01:17:29,958
my wife's areola

1258
01:17:29,960 --> 01:17:32,093
at the dining, okay.

1259
01:17:32,095 --> 01:17:34,128
What is the
areola specifically?

1260
01:17:34,130 --> 01:17:35,499
It's this part right here.

1261
01:17:36,901 --> 01:17:38,499
Just keep your
teeth off my body.

1262
01:17:38,501 --> 01:17:41,236
No, she looks a little
like a vampire but she's...

1263
01:17:41,238 --> 01:17:46,007
- What?
- Calm down.

1264
01:17:46,009 --> 01:17:49,410
- [Crew] Rolling.
- What? What? What? What? What?

1265
01:17:49,412 --> 01:17:52,114
Huh?
Well, I didn't...

1266
01:17:52,116 --> 01:17:54,382
Excuse me
for giving my wife a

1267
01:17:54,384 --> 01:17:56,886
clinical breast exam
at the dinner table.

1268
01:17:56,888 --> 01:17:58,823
I thought we were family.

1269
01:17:59,991 --> 01:18:00,892
[sigh]

1270
01:18:01,826 --> 01:18:04,293
You need to do that
on a regular basis.

1271
01:18:04,295 --> 01:18:09,899
- These aren't going to mammogram themselves.
- That's true.

1272
01:18:09,901 --> 01:18:12,200
Then of course I'm
gonna outlaw anybody

1273
01:18:12,202 --> 01:18:14,539
who comes from a country
that has a ach sound in it.

1274
01:18:15,572 --> 01:18:16,971
- [Crew] Roll.
- [Crew] Marker.

1275
01:18:16,973 --> 01:18:19,440
- We can not do this?
- No.

1276
01:18:19,442 --> 01:18:23,212
- Can I do that?
- No.

1277
01:18:23,214 --> 01:18:25,346
Ted, just tell me
when it's okay.

1278
01:18:25,348 --> 01:18:29,485
- I can do this?
- Quit grabbing that. Please stop.

1279
01:18:29,487 --> 01:18:31,486
None of us want to see that.

1280
01:18:31,488 --> 01:18:34,025
- [Crew] Grandpa rolling.
- [playing the harmonica]

1281
01:18:38,495 --> 01:18:41,596
What's to
come of our country?

1282
01:18:41,598 --> 01:18:42,499
[crying]

1283
01:18:45,036 --> 01:18:48,337
All the little
American boys and girls.

1284
01:18:48,339 --> 01:18:49,637
Stay strong, baby.

1285
01:18:49,639 --> 01:18:51,942
With no apple pie.

1286
01:18:54,512 --> 01:18:56,414
[harmonica]

1287
01:19:01,184 --> 01:19:02,517
Shut up there, old man.

1288
01:19:02,519 --> 01:19:04,653
- [moans]
- You see that you done?

1289
01:19:04,655 --> 01:19:07,556
- I hate you.
- [Crew] Roll.

1290
01:19:07,558 --> 01:19:09,060
[harmonica]

1291
01:19:17,268 --> 01:19:19,435
[Crew] AAZNT

1292
01:19:19,437 --> 01:19:22,540
My family has
gone to hell and back.

1293
01:19:24,308 --> 01:19:26,608
What is happening?

1294
01:19:26,610 --> 01:19:28,280
[crying]

1295
01:19:30,481 --> 01:19:35,551
Shoot me. Shoot me, motherfuckers,
just shoot me right in the head.

1296
01:19:35,553 --> 01:19:38,087
Take me out there.
Take me.

1297
01:19:38,089 --> 01:19:39,157
[crying]

1298
01:19:41,625 --> 01:19:42,527
[music]

1299
01:20:57,268 --> 01:20:58,169
[Crew] Take one.

1300
01:21:18,856 --> 01:21:21,155
I am a zombie.

1301
01:21:21,157 --> 01:21:22,059
A zombie named Ted.

1302
01:21:23,626 --> 01:21:24,528
Ted?

1303
01:21:27,197 --> 01:21:28,298
[laughing]

1304
01:21:29,366 --> 01:21:30,402
[music]

1305
01:23:15,305 --> 01:23:16,206
So sad.

1306
01:23:17,241 --> 01:23:19,777
Mr. Oripori, I told you
to wait in my office.

1307
01:23:24,733 --> 01:23:28,125
Subtitles by explosiveskull