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- Kentucky Fried Chicken
- By IceMan
- >Day 11 herbs and spices in Equestria.
- >You are Colonel Anonymous, a master chef of Southern cuisine, especially for your famous fried chicken.
- >Unfortunately, the ponies around here won’t let you use any of their succulent, fat poultry for any form of food.
- >Damn vegan hippies.
- >They always ruin blessed nations with their “animal rights” and “non-GMOs” and their “anti-DDT laws.”
- >But, having spoken of your master dish for over a year now, Pinkie Pie was dying to try it out, despite her normal reluctance for consuming meat.
- >Now, all you have to do is acquire a chicken.
- >You march up to Fluttershy’s in your overalls and plaid button-up shirt, hoping the quiet yellow pegasus just happens to be out.
- >You sneak behind the chicken coop, but, by the ungraciousness of the Almighty, Fluttershy is there, tending to her flock with a bag of bread crumbs.
- >You’re almost certain she can just sense you coming, and she’d probably notice if one of her hens go missing.
- >So, you trudge back to town, hoping to come up with a solution that doesn’t involve tofu.
- >You fucking hate tofu.
- >Food of the Devil himself it is.
- >You don’t want to give Pinkie Pie such a disgusting blasphemy against good eats in place of the real deal of soft, juicy chicken.
- >As you walk home, mulling over your predicament in your slow-moving mind, you accidentally kick a small orange pegasus.
- >“Hey, watch where you’re going buddy!” Scootaloo shouts from her position sprawled on the dry dirt road.
- “Sorry, missy. Didn’t see ya there.”
- >She glares at you for a bit, but then softens.
- >“It’s okay, Anon. Just... be a little more careful, that’s all.”
- “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
- >You slowly scan over body of the petite creature.
- >She has just enough meat on her... no, no, NO!
- >You are not killing harmless sentient creatures just for...
- >But what if she tastes... even better... fried in vegetable oil.
- >You’ve never had horse meat before, but if there is one scientific rule you follow other than the Ten Commandments, it is that everything is better fried.
- >Everything.
- >“Anon, why are you licking your lips?” Scootaloo asks.
- “I’m not. Don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- >Gears begin to clear off the cobwebs.
- “Say, in apology for kickin’ ya, why don’cha come back to my house and I’ll make ya some fresh cornbread?”
- >Your cornbread is the second best dish you can make, and everyone in town has tasted its deliciousness at the Summer Sun Festival and other holidays.
- >“You’d do that for me, Anon?” Scootaloo asks.
- “It’s nothin’. Anythin’ to make up for kickin’ ya.”
- >Scootaloo grins.
- “Come by my house in ‘bout an hour, and I’ll have it ready for ya.”
- >You pull out all the ingredients and a big metal mixing bowl, and begin pouring corn flour, sugar, eggs, milk, and butter into it.
- >Meanwhile you boil an ear of corn in a pot and cut off all the kernels, placing them in the bowl.
- >You pour the batter in the pan and place the pan in the oven to bake.
- >In no time at all, you have the corn bread that won the county fair for 8 years straight.
- >Supposedly it was brought down from your great great-granpappy who served in the Civil War, or at least that’s what granma said.
- >Whatever its history, it was the best.
- >You set it out to cool on the window sill, letting the delicious corny odor waft out over the town.
- >“I... I can have the whole pan?” Scootaloo asks once she arrives.
- >You merely nod and cut her a slice.
- >Horse meat could work as an excellent chicken substitute, but this one is going to need a little more meat on her bones, so to speak.
- >Scrawny as a starving cow, this one is.
- >Granma wouldn’t stand for it; she’d be nagging this one all the time.
- >And so begins your master plan.
- >It’s not the Manhattan Project, but you think it’s pretty good.
- >You start frequently bumping into Scootaloo, or just being friendly and asking her over for lunch.
- >Her parents, if she even has any, don’t seem to mind.
- >And, little by little, she grows ready for slaughter.
- >The day finally arrives.
- >After accidentally tripping the now-obese pegasus for the fifteenth time that month, you ask Scootaloo over for some cornbread that night.
- >You also sharpened your meat cleaver last night.
- >“This might be... munch munch... the best batch of cornbread you ever made, Anon!” Scootaloo exclaims between bites.
- “I sure darn hope it is,” you reply, wiping off the blade of your knife.
- >Just one quick slice, and it will all be over.
- >You tie an apron around your stomach and raise the blade over Scootaloo’s neck.
- >Like a guillotine, you slice the young pegasus’s head clean off.
- >She doesn’t even have time to scream.
- >A fountain of crimson blood spews onto the kitchen table.
- >You’ll have to mop that up later.
- >And dispose of the table cloth, now stained bright red.
- >You grab a shovel from your closet and begin digging a hole in the blackest corner of your backyard to dump the waste body parts in.
- >The inky darkness hides your dirty deeds from any unwanted observers.
- >Can’t have anyone finding out you murdered an innocent filly, no-siree.
- >You then get to work cleaning the corpse like your dad, an avid hunter, bless his soul, taught you.
- >You cut open the ribcage and scoop out the internal organs, then throw them in the hole.
- >After that, you carefully cut the pegasus’s skin off and throw it in the hole.
- >Finally, you start cutting off good bits of bloody meat, placing them on a wooden cutting board for now.
- >Even in her obese form, little Scootaloo didn’t have that much meat on her.
- >You could have gone for a bigger pony, but they might not have been as easy to fool.
- >Not that you ever considered yourself particularly clever anyways.
- >Your string of straight Cs in school attests to that.
- >You’re still wondering how you got this plan to work.
- >With the corpse picked clean of any edible meat, you dispose of the bones and the table cloth and cover the hole with dirt.
- >You place all the meat in the freezer for tomorrow.
- >Pinkie is coming over for dinner, and you told her to bring friends for the first batch of your world-famous fried chicken made in Equestria.
- >The next day, you make two mixtures: one of buttermilk, eggs, cornstarch, pepper, and salt; and the other of flour and your secret blend of herbs and spices.
- >The blend has been a family secret passed down from father to son for generations, never spoken of outside the family kitchen, and kept in a locked box in the master bedroom of your family mansion back on Earth.
- >Fortunately, you have it memorized.
- >You chop up the horse meat into smaller parts, then begin dipping it first in the wet mixture, then in the dry mixture.
- >It all goes in a skillet of hot vegetable oil to fry.
- >Once the meat is golden brown, you set it on a plate covered with a paper towel to cool.
- >You pick up one of the flaky pieces and take a bite.
- >It tastes exactly like the fried chicken you made back on Earth, right down to the texture.
- >Not a minute after, you hear a knock at the door, and receive your guests.
- >Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie (Fluttershy was defiant about eating any of her animal friends) sit around the table as you reveal the steaming chicken with a flourish.
- >“That looks delicious, Anonymous,” Pinkie Pie says.
- “Dig in, everyone. There’s plenty more.”
- >“Hey, has anyone seen Scootaloo today? Anonymous, I know you’ve been hanging out with her. Have you seen her?” Rainbow Dash asks.
- “Nope. Haven’t seen her lately.”
- >Today was a finger-lickin’ good day.
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