Thread 666: Disaster Anon #5: Disaster 166; Spaghetti

Disaster #166: Spaghetti, A.K.A. ANON’S WORK WEEK

MONDAY

>Insanity.
>Insanity is abstract at best. What seems nonsensical to someone may be logical to another.
>This is why you like Screwball so much.
>Screwball is a conspiracy theorist; she looks way too far into pretty much everything. She’s delusional, paranoid, and partially schizophrenic.
>Ponies may mock her, but one fourth of the Disasters you’ve handled were foreshadowed from her crazy theories.
>Despite this, there are the occasions where she’s…less, than logical.
>“I’m telling you Anon, there are aliens!”
Screwy, I trust you; really I do, but don’t you think aliens may be a bit unlikely?
>“I’m not lying Anon. Yesterday in the middle of the night my sixth camera caught glimpse of a silver disk flying through the air-”
Frisbee.
>“It flew across three streets. I’ve never seen a pony with a neck strong enough for that!”
I’m still not convinced.
>“I took a photo with camera number three. It was right next to the lens and everything.”
>Screwball takes you into her closet/surveillance room, and shows you…
Screwball…this is a plate of spaghetti.
>“…No it’s not…it’s an alien.”
Screwball!
>“How would YOU know!? You’ve never seen an alien!”
>You give out a sigh of distress.
How about a put this “discovery” on the investigations list for later, and we call just end today’s meeting?
>She gives a small huff.
>“Fine.”
>As you walk off, Screwball tells you one last thing.
>“I saw it fly towards Sweet Apple Acres; just so you know where to start.”
Uh huh.

TUESDAY

>You can’t believe you’re actually dignifying Screwballs claim. You might as well do this though, in case she tries bringing it back up later.
>You walk to the Sweet Apple Acres and spot Applejack bucking apples. You stop her so you two can talk.
>“Well howdy Anonymous. What brings you here?”
One of my partners said that she saw something come to your house yesterday.
>She steps back a little, an obvious sign that either there IS something wrong, or that she’s concerned.
>“What kind of thing?”
Does a silver saucer maybe ring a bell?
>“I don’t think so.”
Does…does the word “spaghetti” mean anything to you?
>“Well aside from it being the greatest thing in the world, not really. What does spaghetti have to do with anything though?”
Eh…nothing. I got what I need. I’ll see you later Applejack.
>“See ya later Anon.”
>You awkwardly walk back home feeling like a complete idiot…Scratch that, you try to walk home, but Screwball shows up stopping you.
>“Well, give me the deets.”
There are no deets, she doesn’t know anything about saucers or aliens that look like pasta.
>“She must be lying.”
Applejack is the embodiment of honesty. She doesn’t lie.
>“I know she’s lying; there was an alien that came to her house.”
>Daisy overhears Screwball, and begins to giggle a little.
>“What was that? Aliens", she asks.
>“There was an alien that visited Applejacks house yesterday. It was flying on a saucer and resembled a plate of spaghetti.”
>More giggling begins from other ponies in the streets, and Screwball begins to blush embarrassingly.
>“Stop laughing at me!”
>They begin to laugh even louder until the embarrassment becomes too much and Screwball runs away crying. You consider going after her, but this honestly seems like an issue that she should be left alone with.

WEDNESDAY

>Now that Screwball’s had some time for herself, it seems best that you actually see how she’s doing.
>*knock knock*
Screwball? Are you in there?
>You hear the sound of her undoing her six door locks, and she finally opens the door.
>“Hey, Anonymous.”
You okay Screwball?
>“I’m doing better than okay; I found out something new.”
What is it this time?
>“I was spying at Sweet Apple Acres yesterday night, and I saw this weird thing in their barn.”
You were spying on the Apples?
>“Hear me out. There’s a shrine inside of their barn; it’s covered in pasta and spaghetti sauce, and Applejack was praying in there. I clearly saw it through the window.”
Do you have photos?
>“Well, I wanted to, but Applejack saw me and I had to run away.”
*sigh* Screwball, follow me to the barn.

>You and Screwy walk your way to Sweet Apple Acres, and you knock on the door of their home until Applejack opens it.
>“Good evening Anonymous. Good evening Screwball.”
Applejack, I need to investigate your barn.
>“Understandable, I shall take you to the barn.”
Applejack guides you to the barn and opens the door revealing…waaait for it. Absolutely nothing!
>“T-that can’t be right. I saw it. There was sauce everywhere; pasta from the ceiling", says Screwball.
>“It must have been your imagination", says AJ.
>“It wasn’t! I’m not crazy!”
Screwball, just give it up.
>“No! I’m going to examine every inch of this barn before I give up.”
Good luck with that; I’m going home to check this off my disaster list.
>“Fine!”
>You walk off as Screwball goes into the barn to examine it. She may be crazier than you thought.

THURSDAY

>You’re in your room (the basement), reading the morning papers. Another murder in Hollow Shades happened yesterday; that’s four in the last eight days. You should really add this to your disaster list. Twilight calls at you from upstairs.
>“Anon?”
Yeah?
>“Screwball wants to talk with you.”
Sure, send her down.
>Screwball slowly walks her way down looking completely straight-faced.
>“Good morning, Anonymous.”
Hey Screwy.
>“I would like to formally apologize for the way I have been acting. I was completely wrong, and simply too ignorant to comprehend that.”
Okay? Why are you talking like that?
>“This is how I always talk, it’s not like my cerebral patterns are being influenced or anything.”
…What?
>“I’m just assuring you I’m fine, in case you had any wrong assumptions. I certainly didn’t have my brain altered by some flying spaghetti monster that’s bound to my skull but can’t comprehend sarcasm…in case you thought that.”
Screwball, could you stand still for a second?
>You slowly begin to circle Screwball to see if there’s anything visibly wrong.
>“I do not comprehend what you are doing. I’m fine, and there most certainly is nothing under my propeller beanie.”

>You take a good look at her hat and notice a single strand of what looks like spaghetti barely hanging out. You slowly reach out for it, when suddenly strands of spaghetti begin to spring from her mane wrapping your arms trying to fling you away. After an intense tug of war, you manage to pull a gigantic mass of what does in fact look like spaghetti hiding its strands in Screwy’s mane, with its single meatball body under her hat.

>The creature begins to fly around with its strands of spaghetti violently wrapping your body immobilizing you. As you fall to the ground, the meatball-like body begins to suction itself onto your head, oozing a greasy substance across your forehead. Things begin to get blurry and fade to black, as you realize you’re slowly losing your grip on reality. Just when it seems you’re about to lose yourself, the feeling disappears and the darkness fades. You soon realize Twilight’s holding the spaghetti creature in midair with her magic. Screwball is on the floor unconscious.
>“What in Celestia is this?”
I dunno. It looks like a flying…spaghetti monster.
>“What should we do now?”
Stick it in the freezer with my Kid Cuisine meals, I’ll think of something later.
>You walk over to Screwball and poke her till she wake up.
Screwball, you okay?
>As she opens her eyes, she weakly states,
>“I told you I wasn’t crazy.”
What happened to the shrine then?
>“There was a cellar I found in their barn; before we entered, every ounce of spaghetti oozed from the floor boards into that cellar. Once I opened it, that thing jumped out and had its way with my head. It used my little hat to hide under.”
There was probably one under Applejacks hat then. That’s why she said there was nothing wrong. Well, I guess we need to tell the town.

ONE CONVERSATION WITH MAYOR MARE AND A TOWN ANNOUNCEMENT LATER.

>Of all the disasters that you’ve faced, this is probably one of the toughest to swallow. You gather everyone in town for a meeting.
Attention everyone. Attention.
>Dash: “What’s going on this time?”
Well, I don’t want to alarm everyone, but we do have a serious disaster that’s going to happen soon.
>Screwball breaks in telling everyone,“Applejacks’s been possessed by a flying spaghetti monster!”
>After a short silence, the crowd begins to burst into laughter at her expense.
>Thunderlane: “Yeah right; Crazy Screwball talking about more nonsense.”
>“It’s true! I found a shrine dedicated to the monster in the barn of the Apple family. At first it was just a small plate, but now there’s so much spaghetti down there, that I’m not sure if we can handle it.”
>"We assume it’s asexually reproducing", says Twilight.
It’s the reason Applejack hasn’t been seen away from the barn lately. Also, the other Apples are now trapped in the cellar according to Screwball.
>Scoots: “That must be why Apple Bloom wasn’t at school.”
>Carrot Top: “I think I’m going to need some proof. Screwball WAS the one who said there were wereponies in Everfree after all.”
>“There are wereponies in Everfree, you stupid hair dying plebian!”
Twilight, open the cooler.
>Twilight opens the cooler and levitates the frozen spaghetti monster from yesterday for everyone to see. There’s a collecting wave of shock and awe.
By now the barn is probably loaded with these.
>Lily: “We’re doomed! Doomed I tell you!”
You ALWAYS say that when an apocalyptic situation happens. We have a solution though.
>Twilight tells them, “A few weeks ago, I learned a spell that could send things to an inescapable mirror dimension located in a magical pond in the Everfree Forest. I can banish these creatures into that dimension, but with the numbers we’re against, I’m going to need more unicorns I can teach the spell to.”
Rarity, you’re getting drafted.
>“But I don’t want to fight? What if they stain my fur", says Rarity.
Too bad, Holly Dash, Lyra Heartstrings, Twinkleshine, Vinyl Scratch, and Sea Swirl I’m trusting you girls as well.
>“By the way, these monsters can possess you if they connect their meaty bodies to your head, so I suggest everypony cover their skulls with aluminum foil. If you were a normal hat, the spaghetti can hide under it, but there’s no wave they could hide under something as flimsy and easy to tear as foil. It’s a perfect plan. :D”

FRIDAY

>Many homes have their doors locked.
>Some have left town completely.
>Everyone is wearing their tinfoil hats.
>It’s about to go down.
>Twilight spent an entire evening teaching these ponies how to send items to the mirror dimension. You hope it was worth it.
>Is she in her home, or at the barn right now?...Hmm.
APPLEJACK!? APPLEJACK WHERE ARE YOU!?
>Applejack walks out of the barn and comes to my voice.
>“Good evening Anonymous. Is there a form of conflict that you wish for me to resolve?”
Applejack, could you come a little closer?
>“Why are there so many other ponies here?”
We’re having a party and want to invite you.
>“That is a tempting offer, but I must respectfully decline; now if you will excuse me.”
>Applejack turns around to walk back to the barn, and with her security lowered, you rush forward, and jump onto her back, pulling off her hat and revealing the large mass of pasta and meatballs underneath.
>Applejack begins to buck fiercely in the air as you pull the large mass of spaghetti monster clinging for dear life on her skull.
>“What are you doing? Remove yourself. You are making a grave mistake!”
>Suddenly a loud crash comes from the barn.
Oh Sweet Celestia.

>You look up and see a gigantic noodle like appendage break out of the roof. Soon a gigantic spaghetti monster breaks from the roof and takes to the sky. Twilight tries to shoot a dimensional blast at it, but one of the smaller offspring that come out resembling a meatball is hit instead. The largest monster Twilight failed to hit hides itself in the clouds above, and as this happens, hundreds of spaghetti monsters of all shaped and forms begin to fly out of the ceiling and begin to fly into town.
>Before you can pull the mass off of Applejack, you’re tackled by one of the monsters as it clumsily tries to get its noodley tentacles through your tinfoil. (Why you didn’t just wear a helmet you’ll never know.)
>You give the creature a taste of your manly fist as you penetrate the noodles getting its slimy sauces all over your knuckles.
Everyone but Twilight, split up and hunt down the spaghetti monsters.
>Everyone accordingly splits up at you command.
>Applejack runs forward to attack, but as her hooves rise, you give her a fierce blow to the gut sending her off balance and falling to the ground. She’s too tough to stay down, but it’s still your chance to try and get that thing off of her. You give her a body slam, and get back to pulling.
>“You cannot win. The ‘Oregeani’ shall ooze out of every crevice. You…”
>You finally manage to pull the creature off and almost immediately, Applejack collapses.
>You give it a punch and drop the spaghetti.
>As Twilight continues shooting monsters with her spell, she starts to speak to you.
>“What now Anon?”
>You karate chop a large meatball.
Based on the size of that thing we saw, I bet that’s their Queen. [punch] We need to focus on stopping that.
>“But with its size, there’s no way I’d have enough magic to send it whole. [blast, blast] We’d need everyone I taught working together [blast] and even then it would be a stretch. And how do we even get it from the sky to the ground?”
Don’t worry; I’ve got something at home that’ll bring that thing down.
>From your lab coat, you pull out a weapon to assist Twilight. Forged through Pinkie patented craftsmanship, yours and Twilight’s combined intellect, and using electricity charged through a cracked off unicorn horn, you reveal your lightning gun, to the fight.
>You hear the sound off hoof steps and see Big Macintosh who’s charging towards you with a monster sticking to his skull.
>Your gun fires a bolt of lightning frying the thing on his head and bringing him to the ground.
Follow me to the treehouse.

>As you two run through the streets, you see that the condition of the town is going downhill; kamikaze meatballs are destroying areas in explosions of sauce, the streets are overrun with these creatures flying through looking for hosts, and to top it all off, it is beginning to rain what seems like pasta sauce from a huge cloud of pasta sauce that’s slowly spreading across the sky. It certainly doesn’t smell like spaghetti sauce though, it smells more like wet dog and sharp cheddar.
>Though this was supposed to be an effort of only the party you built, others like the Wonderbolts, and Rainbow Dash join in leading to a huge air fight that begins. It’s brief that you look up, but when you do, you see who you’re sure is Spitfire, charging through one of the creatures, and another that you can’t recognize, being hit in an explosion.
>You and Twilight go as far as you can, blasting creatures along the way, when suddenly, a colt being manipulated attacks. You’ve never formally met him, but he’s distinguished by his unusually height. This height makes it difficult to just reach up and grab the pasta on his head, so Twilight tries to use telekinesis. Unfortunately she’s hit by a kamikaze meatball.
TWILIGHT!
>You take a punch to the face from being distracted.
>The stallion tries to crush you under his hoof, but you roll out of the way and back onto your feet. You set down the dial of your gun to stun and shoot a bolt of lightning at him. While stunned you run forward giving him a thunderous uppercut, and mount yourself on his top to pull that creature off of his skull. The stallion begins to jump and swing, trying to knock you off but to no avail. Another kamikaze meatball soon floats by, obviously ready to charge.  As it rushes forward, you leap off, leaving only the stallion in the explosion.
>The unfortunate pawn falls unconscious.
Twilight, get your flank up.
>“Ugh, I’m okay.”

>You two manage to get yourselves to the library and head downstairs to your room to get a sciency gizmo you didn’t think you’d end up needing.
>“What is that thing?”
It’s a handmade adhesive detonative launcher.
>You were inspired by a certain Black Scottish Cyclops.
I’m going to get flown to the top of the sky, launch every bomb onto the spaghetti queen, and detonate them at once. As it falls to the ground, you and the other unicorns need to use the spell, or else things won’t turn out pretty.
>“That’s suicide Anon."
Twilight, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to save your home from a threat no matter the cost would you capture it or just let it slip?
>She's silent, aware that you're right.
>"How will you even get air-born?”
Easy, I’ll just call up Dash. She’s carried me through the sky before.

>A loud crash comes from the door upstairs. After you two run up, you see hundreds of noodle-like tentacles crash through the door. You and Twilight are forcibly enwrapped and a large mouth opens revealing rows of razor sharp stale baguette teeth. As you two are slowly pulled in you Twilight begins to panic, but you just calmly tell her,
You know you can teleport, right?
>“Oh…sorry.”
>Before the creature can pull either of you two in, Twlight teleports you two to the upper balcony of the tree house. From here you observe the sky to see where Rainbow is. From the air-fighting you soon locate Dash from her signature color streak. She’s charging through aliens, and dodging spaghetti lasers being shot from the queen’s tentacles. The queen’s body however, remains hidden in the now blood red sky.
RAINBOW DASH!!! RAINBOW DASH!!!
>The screaming grabs the attention of a few monsters that Twilight blasts, but it still works.
>Rainbow Dah barely hears you and soon dives down to the tree house.
>“What is it Anon!? I’m kind of busy here.”
I need you to fly me around the queen a few times. I’m going to ground it.
>“No problem.”
>Rainbow Dash wraps her arms around you in the tightest hug she can and takes you airborne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJiDLkZh5_k
>You may not make it out of this alive, but you never have, and never will let a disaster conquer. Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, but you gotta stay strong to fight that spaghetti.
>You're nervous, but on the surface you look calm and ready to drop bombs.
>You announce confidently,
See you when I win Twilight!
>You two rocket into the sky.
>As you fly, one of the tentacles fires as laser beam, but Dash manages to barrel roll around it. Trying to follow  you two, the laser beam hit a meatball though, causing an explosion that Dash just barely makes past. After swerving past another tentacle and crashing through a couple of monsters, you and Dash enter the cloud of sauce. Thank goodness you both have goggles.
>Past the clouds you see the queen in her final form. It’s a giant conglomerate off noodles with dozens of arms, two giant meatballs, and hundreds of smaller meatballs within it.
>A wave of meatballs shoots towards Dash, but she’s able to evade them successfully. As they chase after her, a couple explodes on a tentacle that tries hitting you two. Dash continues as you shoot a couple of bombs onto her side. Unfortunately as you two fly over, Dash is hit in an explosion, letting you go and having you fall all the way to the top of the beast. Dash glides unconscious through the air, falling through the clouds.

>You do a sick roll out and get to your feet but a tentacle strand sprouts from its top grabbing your leg and pulling you in. Two more sprouts up grabbing your right arm, and a gigantic tentacle comes into view, glowing at the tip ready to shoot you with a laser beam. With your free hand, you reach into your coat grabbing your gun, and shoot a bolt into the queen. You partially feel the electrocution in the process, but it causes her to let go, and you to barely escape the laser.
>Unfortunately, the launcher is a two handed item, so you have to put the gun back keeping you from fighting. For now at least.
>The tentacle rises and slams down trying to crush you, but you manage to jump out of the way. As you run smaller tentacles try to pull you in, but you continue to dodge and evade. You do lose a shoe however. Miraculously, you manage to make it across the queen’s top shooting projectiles across its entire body until you reach its edge.
>You use your entire ammo supply of eighteen explosives, but now you’re stuck in a conundrum.
>There’s no one to help you down, and there’s no way you can stay up here unless you want to die in the explosion or crash to the ground with the monster.
>You try to think it over, but the giant tentacle getting ready to crush you is persuasion enough.
>With no better option, you jump of off the queen barely dodging the noodle, and announce,
EAT IT, CHUMP!
>You activate the collective detonator, and every bomb placed explodes at once causing a wail of agony from the queen loud enough to deafen the ears of anyone left in Ponyville. It’s the most satisfying thing you’ve heard in ages.
>That satisfaction is replaced with terror though as you begin to fall through the sky.
>As you free fall, you’re spotted by a white maned Wonderbolt who dives down to try and get you.
>In your mind, all you can think is, “Please please please please please,” as he closes in.
>Unfortunately, the Wonderbolt is hit with an explosive meatball.
S#%T!
>You close your eyes not ready to die, but the oddest thing happens. Your terminal velocity begins to decrease.
>You open your eyes and see your body engulfed by magic.
>You’ve been saved by a pair of unicorns, who combined their levitation. They’re so covered in sauce though, that you almost can’t recognize them.
Thank you, girls.
Eventually you come to realize who the two are. The one to the left is Sea Swirl, and the other is…Rarity?
>“Are you okay Anon?”
I’m fine. Man, you really got covered in that sauce.
>She begins weeping as she says, “It will take HOURS to get these stains out of my fur; and it smells awful.”
As Rarity continues her whining, you notice the area is getting much, much darker.
>Sea Swirl tells us, “Guys, guys, GUYS! Look up!”
>You look up and see the queen descending to the ground, at an alarming rate. There’s no way to escape being crushed, and even if you guys do, one third of the town will be crushed. The only real solution is the spell.
>From the tree house, Twilight shoots her magic, Rarity and Sea Swirl quickly join, and soon, three other beams are shot from the street into the queen.
>Honestly, you didn’t think your plan would work, but before the queen can collide to the ground, it loses form and turns into a giant mass of energy. The queen rockets into the Everfree forect, completely disappearing and saving the town from being crushed.
>As she disappears, the red cloud that has engulfed the sky, begins to slowly dissipate.
>You let out a sigh of relief knowing the worst is over, but there is still at least one hundred of these creatures left in Ponyville. This will be a looong day.

SATURDAY

>Yesterday was a hectic mess. It took a while to clear the town, and even longer checking every crack, crevice, and fanny pack in Equestria to make sure there were none hiding, but by the end you could proudly say that Disaster 166; The Flying Spaghetti Apocolypse, was successfully removed.
>At the moment, you, your party, the Wonderbolts, an injured Rainbow Dash, and even Screwball are celebrating at the Apple’s as the citizens clean up the aftermath.
>Applejack grabs her mug of cider. “Ah’d like to make a toast to you guys. If it weren’t for ya’ll, ah’d still have that monster under my hat right now", she says.
>Apple Bloom says, “And I’d still be trapped in the barn.”
>We all raise our mug victoriously.
Sorry about saving you guys last by the way.
>Smith gives a pssaw motion with her hoof. “Aww, it’s okay Anon; we know you guys were busy.”
>“Eeeyup.”
>You raise your mug.
As long as we’re giving cheers, I think we should give props to the pony who deserves it most. Screwball.
>Screwball blushing a little, surprised you were going to put her out like this.
Screwball sticked with what she found out, and even when nobody believed her, she continued digging. Screwball cared more about the town, then how the town cared about her, and if it wasn’t for Screwball, everything would be spaghetti. Hear hear?
>HEAR HEAR!
>Everyone takes a drink in Screwballs name.
>It makes you proud to have her by your side.
>"After this, let's try and hunt down some wereponies."