Thread 64: Stories 16-30

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>Chitania
"???"
'Prostimare'
~~~

>...

'...C-can....'

>...

'...Uh, can we get us a hayburger for lunch? Kinda hungry.'

>...Fine.

'Sorry, know Ah've gotta be the most dang annoying thing ya'll ever had to put up with. What with the offers and all too. Gotta be the worst, aren't I?'

>...

~~~~

>OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, COCCINEILLIDAE! HOW!?

"There's a long an very detailed story behind this."

>...WELL!?

"Okay, it's not that long."

>No no! Please! Explain to me why you are TIED TO A STAKE WAS ABOUT TO BE BURNED AT SAID STAKE!

"It's not because of the changeling thing!"

>...THAT JUST RAISES FURTHER QUESTIONS!

"Okay, so, it's like this. You know that thing I do?"

>...yeeeeahhhh?

"Well, I did it."

>...And?

"They thought I was a witch."

>...

"..."

>...Just so we're clear here, that thing you are referring to is, in fact, that one ability you showed me when we first met.

"That's the one."

>... and you are about to be burned at the stake for this.

"WAS about to be burned, thanks a bundle!"

>...

"...You need help getting that pony blood off your hooves?"

>...I just... why? Why would they think you were a witch?

"Well, uh... it might have something to do with the fact I uh... disguised myself as an earth pony."

>...

"...Y-yeahhhhh..."

>...I am three seconds from picking up that torch and finishing you off.

"NO CHITTY NO! I'll do the weird stuff with you! And I'm really really flexible, I'm great!"

>...No... just... just promise you will never do it again.

"Ugh, fine. I promise I will never change a pies flavor to win a competition while disguised as an earth pony."

>ANYTHING NON MAGICAL!

"Why would I have to clarify?"

>..

"...besides the fact this is the third time this has happened."

>GRAAHHHHHHHHHHH

~~~~

>...You're not even in the top twenty.

"Oh... neat!"

>...

"...your eyes are red..."

>Precious memories...

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>Chitania
"Culicidae'
'Prostimare'
~~~

'Really? Not even in the top twenty? C'mon now, hard ta' top someone who mostly just hangs around ya' and pesters ya'.'

>....

~~~~~

>...Is this a sign?

"CHITTY HELP!"

>Is this... is this fate just telling me my race is doomed, and I am dumb for trying to save them? Is this some kind of message from above? Has the Sun Raiser looked down upon my actions, and think them quaint?

"STOP WAXING POETIC AND HELP!"

>This just honestly feels like natural selection, if I'm being truthful. Like I am simply supposed to let this happen and be done with it. Let nature take it's course and just deal with the removal of the horrible things that have happened from the gene pool. Let it be cleansed.

"CHITANIA DAMN IT HE'S GONNA CATCH ME!"

>Just run me though your thought process, and I'll consider saving you.

"HE'S HUGE!"

>And?

"SO THAT MEANS HE HAS MORE LOVE! BIGGER BODY EQUALS BIGGER LOVE, IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED!"

>...So...

"I JUST MESSED UP THE MIND CONTROL, I DIDN'T MEAN TO... WELL, 'EXCITE' HIM!"

>...

"OKAY MAYBE A LITTLE! BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE WAY!"

>You tried to mind control... a dragon... an ADULT dragon.

"They're not that hard normally!... But now he is REALLY REALLY HARD AND HE IS CLOSING IN AND CHITANIA HELP PLEASE OH SWEET FUCK PLEASE HE'S GONNA SPLIT ME IN HALF WITH THAT THING PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE-"

*CRASH!*

"...THANK YOU!"

>Wasn't that hard, he was pretty distracted.

"WOO!... Wooo... hoo... thank you... wow. Almost... HOO! Almost went really south there, in more ways than one!"

>It was against my better judgement, I'm not going to lie.

"...So do you think I should try to sap him now? It shouldn't take more than an hour. I've probably got time before he wakes up."

>.............

"What?"

>To the grander beings who weave destiny, I am so so sorry.

~~~~~

>...Trust me on this one.

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Cadence"
'DT'
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and I try to give you something different in between stories! Tonight I'm doing our first ever Pink Pony Club!

"Eeeeee!"

'Hmph'

>The present presiding personnel have a pretty pigment that's the perfect prerequisite for the pink pony party.

'...Please stop.'

"That was a lot of P's."

>C'mon don't you want to be a part of your provocative peers?

'We don't have anything in common besides the color of our coats! I'm trying to make a working on my own pet project. Princess Cadence should be in the crystal empire and you should be...doing whatever that you usually do. Oh and by the way Princess Cadence, your husband was a completely moron to leave the guards in this state!'

"Hey, take that back. My Shining Armor was a fine captain!"

'Bite me you dumb air-headed *censored*'

"*gasp* You did not say that!"
As they continue arguing
>This has been a successful club meeting! Have a nice night!

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NC

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dPaVk4G1jg

>Momsie
"Changelings"

>These unenlightened ponies

>They cannot make the judgement call

>They will give up free will forever or their voices won’t be heard at all

>Display obedience

>While never stepping out of line

>And blindly swear allegiance

"Let the hivemind control your mind!"


"Let the hivemind control your soul!"


>Let them live in ignorance

>And purchase their happiness

>When blood and sweat is the real cost

>Thinking ceases, the war is lost

>Don't you worry

>You'll be told exactly what to do

>I give you people the lives you need


>The righteous will succeed


>The fires of greed will burn the weak

>So we'll make freedom obsolete

>Tearing down the fabric of society

>Collective consciousness controlled as you will see


"MIND CONTROL"

"Let the hivemind control your soul"

"Let the hivemind control your soul"

"Let the hivemind control your soul"

Let the hivemind control your soul

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NC Or at this point Future Canon
>Lucky Strikes
"Steam Gauge"
'Quicksilver Sash'
-Haymaker-

It was over.

They had done their best but their best wasn't enough.

All around Canterlot the people cheered their new Changeling protectors and the ones that had once held that position had been given five hours to pack up their belongings and leave town.

"Well this sucks."

'Understatement.'

"The hell are we supposed to do now?"

'I believe the words the Changeling Queen used were 'Get fucked'.'

"Well I'd do that but now I can't afford a hooker because I DON'T HAVE A JOB!"

>Chin up, Private, always gotta look to tomorrow. I for one already have a job lined up for myself back home!

'And that is?'

Lucky Strikes looks up from folding a very scant-looking frilly dress.

>...my mother's...establishment.

-Well Coltsly gave me her card, so I wonder if I can bum a job off her...I'd like to stay in town to hang out with Blue and PJ.-

'Well one good thing came out of this. Those dicks that just quit are unemployed too.'

>"-...-"

'They...they are, right?'

>"-...-"

'Fuck this country, I'm going to Commieland.'

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 >Teacher
"2"
'Students'
~~~~

>Alright class, today we're going to be talking about-

'TALKING ABOUT PUNCHES!'

>...What?

'How did the Prince survive getting tackled like that!?'

'Can any pegasus do that... explody thing? Is the explody thing special?'

'Do you have to fly really fast to pull it off!? Can we do it if we strap ourselves to rockets too? Does the color matter?'

'Yeah, how does that work!? There was a giant fire ring thing!'

'How is any of this possible!?'

>...

"...Ah' kinda wanna know too..."

>...

*INHALES*

>The prince survived because of a concept known as redistribution of force wherein the forward kinetic energy that was transferred to him was redirected either via an external object like a magical shield or certain movements made at the point of impact to roll with the force. All pegasi use magic to aide in their flight but only a select few have the ability to reach the necessary propulsion to propel them forwards at the speed clocked, which is why she had to add in the extraneous force of gravity, the thing holding all of us to the planet, in order to surpass terminal velocity and break the sound barrier, which is the speed at which sound travels and exceeding that means you are literally traveling faster than sound goes. The 'fire thing' was caused when the sound barrier was broken and a mixture of magically charged kinetic energy and other factors ignited all around her and was pushed outwards by the force of the break, creating a 'ring like' optical illusion. The color is mostly dependent on the ignition point, so likely her hair, and it's possible because MAGIC BITCHES!

"..."

'...'

>...As a teacher, I should feel bad, but I know none of you-

"Shiny says yer' not s'posed ta' say that word."

>...

'Wait, what word!?'

'What did I miss!?'

'I zoned out, WHAT!?'

>...Crud...

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 >Twilight
"Sunset"
~~~

"What do you mean, NO!?"

>You know, with how often I hear that, you'd swear I was hounded by rapists twenty four seven. It's just a really common phrase in my life.

"You can't just deny me, this is necessary information!"

>And yet, here I am denying you. Watch... a-hem... denied. Magical, isn't it?

"There's so much we can learn from them!"

>You'd think, but no.

"You're just not smart enough to unlock all their potential!"

>Says the non-successful student.

"HEY!"

>Gonna swing at the princess...

"When did you get all snippy? You didn't used to be like this."

>I live around Chrysalis now. Mystery solved.

"But she's the whole point! Listen, if we could just figure out how they ascend-"

>I know how they ascend, it's not something that we could, or SHOULD, replicate.

"Well... if we know their powers-"

>It's mostly a bunch of useless junk.

"...How they stayed hidden so long-"

>Stabbing, mostly.

"...JUST GIVE ME YOUR DATA ON CHANGELING QUEENS! That one just laughed in my face and told me to go fuck myself with a very detailed list of items!"

>I understand and sympathize with being told to commit sexual acts on ones self from her, I assure you. However, this is going to sound like I'm denying you, but no.

"...That is just you denying me!"

>If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and isn't a changeling posing as a duck...

"You are holding back the scientific community!"

>And I think all TWO of the living changeling queens will thank me for it.

"...Waaiiiit... there is two of them!"

>And suddenly I hear what sounds like Sweetie Belle looking at a batch of fireworks.

"THAT'S IT! I'll just get it from the other one!"

>Because when you can't get water from a well, clearly the solution is to drink from a dragon's mouth. This makes sense.

"AH HAH! Fine, keep your own precious data! I'm going to get my own! HAAHHAHAHA!"

*FLEES!*

>...and that's how Equestria was destroyed, your honor. No, we never saw it coming...

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>Spitfire
"???"
'Crystal Pegasi'
~~~~

>Well, this is going terribly, but it could be more terrible. In the sense being shot by a railgun is terrible in comparison to being shot by two railguns made of rabid puppies. At least we aren't at rabid puppy level.

'Uh, Captain?'

>...Yes?

'Someone is here to see you.'

>Okay? What's the... oh dear Celestia no.

"We heard you're looking to boost your airforce! Might we recommend you gain the aide..."

""""""OF THE RAINBOLTS!"""""""""

>And the puppies just started foaming at the mouth.

""""""RAINBOLTS TOKUSENTAI!"""""""

>WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?

"No idea!"

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>Vekir
"???"

Across the darkness of Luna's night the small Morlock stalked, her hoofsteps muted except for the tiny whirring noises of her encounter suit's servos...and the talking to herself.

>Okay! Got to meet Zhetri Tuuhl, good talk, good talk indeed. But focus, Vekky, you have found a path of escape and now must lead Zhetri Tuuhl to safety yes...okay, the place of eating is deserted, that is not good! Vekir must find Zhetri Tuuhl and ensure his safety...aaaafter procuring some of the shiny silver eating tools.

Shimmying her way through one of the broken windows, Vekir traipsed across the floor, whistling to herself as she jurry-rigged a saddlebag out of a large cloth napkin and began yoinking silverware from the posh restaurant's carpet.

>Grab a pointy, grab a cutty, grab a spoony too, a little bit of grabbing will bring wealth to me and yoooou~...butmostlymeeee~

Happy with her work, the Morlock grinned a turned away...right into the prone form of a robot. The robot jerked, the crackling of electricity and the screech of metal startling the small cave pony.

>Eek! Metal pony!

Vekir jumped back, fangs bared...rather ineffectively beneath her helmet.

>Away with you, Metal Pony! Vekir has done nothing wrong...that you can prove!

"Yeah, well...you can't prove I'm doin' anything either!"

>...eh? Metal Pony is rude!

"Wha? I'm not a pony, stupid."

Vekir blinked as a massive amalgam of metal and fur rose from behind the robot, the wolfish eyes of the thing looking down at her with a mixture of confusion and annoyance. It appeared as though several chunks of metal had been haphazardly applied to the strange cyborg's workings like a kind of metallic bandage.

"..."

>...

"..."

>...whyfor does the big robot dog steal from the dead metal pony?

"Because the big robot dog doesn't know how to robot and is trying anything he can to keep himself from keeling over."

>...ah, good reason.

"Now scatter, kid, you bother me. Gotta figure out how to use this stupid robot to keep myself going."

With a grunt, the big creature returned to tearing the security droid apart and...pretty much just cramming its armor onto his body. Vekir curiously approached, looking the hulking beast up and down.

>Hmmm...

"What hmm? Buzz off, like I said, robot girl."

>Vekir is not robot, she is Morlock!

"Good for you, now lemme fix myself!"

>The big robot dog is hurting, yes yes?

"How asstut or however you say that word. Yeah, in case you hadn't noticed, bit of an abomination against nature here."

>And the big bommynation does not know how to robot, yes?

"Not a fan of repeatng myself, short stuff."

>Fear not, big bommynation, for Vekir has the answer!

"...you do?"

>Yes! But first, we must trade!

"...trade what?"

>If Vekir helps you, you must help Vekir!

"With?"

>You'll see, but first, is there a deal?

Vekir held out her hoof...slowly a porcelain hand grabbed and shook it gently.

"There is a deal."

>Then follow me, bommynation! We shall find the Twience Princess, and she shall cure what ails you!"

With a skip in her step and the rattle of silverware, she was off, leaving the Watch Dog to blink in her wake.

"The hell is a Twience?"

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>Silver Spoon
"DT"
~~~~
>A Saturday night Karaoke fun! This needs to happen more often. Want to start first?

"Sure let me pick a song...let's see let's see...ah."

>Rolling in the Deep? I love this song!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ_1y3iNvwc
"There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally AJ I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do"

"There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark"

"The scars of your betrayal reminds me of my team
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your backstab, leaves me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all~ (You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep~ (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my guns inside of your hooves (You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)"

"AJ, I have a story to be told
But I've heard your hypocrisy
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Make a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared"

"The scars of your stab remind me of the pain (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all (You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your hurt, they leave me breathless (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all~ (You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep~ (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You hurt me more than Chitania (You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played me, to your beat (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all~
But you treat me like I'm weak~
You had my guns inside of your hooves
But you played it, with a beating"

"Throw your soul through every open door (woah)
Count your blessings to find what you look for (woah)
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold (woah)
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow (woah)
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all (You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)"

"We could have had it all~ (You're gonna wish you never had met me)
But to you I'm just a kid~ (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You shouldn't have left me out to dry(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you'll never see my deeds (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)"

We could have had it all~(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
But you treat me like I'm weak~(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my guns inside of your hooves(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

"But you'll never
You'll never
You'll never
You'll never see me for my deeds."
Song finishes and starts trying to calculate her score.

"...Fuck you Applejack."
DT throws the microphone at the karaoke machine breaking it and shattering the mic. It makes a loud feedback before dying out.

>Um...I don't think those were the exact lyrics.

"...Sorry, I'll buy you a new one."
She walks out of the room while Silver looks on sadly.
>...

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>Haymaker
"Blueblood"
'PJ'
[??]
~~~

>Uuggghh.

"One of those days?"

>I literally just watched them elect Pommel to be the captain of the guard.

"...Who?"

>EXACTLY!

'...Hold up, ain't he the guy that-'

>Yes. He's the one who's only accomplishment, as far as I know is BEING EATEN. That's it. That's the absolute highlight of his career. "I'm gonna go fight that big fuckoff monster-CHOMP!"

"Well... at least they're open to a fellow who is friends with a changeling?"

>Yes, it would be a sign of real progressiveness... if we any of them remembered that little detail.

'...but... but Thirty Two was the one who drove him out there. He RODE A HOVERBIKE TO HER BESIDE HIM. How...'

>Don't ask.

'Well... that's some bullshit. You at least clocked a damn sentient toy.'

>Nobody believes me! Nobody thinks I actually did that!

"Huh."

>I mean, okay, I'm sure he's a decent guy and at least he's devoted, but come on! We have NO idea what he's capable of, and everything we've seen points to that being "NOT MUCH"

'Sorry to hear that. Guess they just want someone who's not gonna make 'em do much.'

>Ugh... seriously considering quitting. Just gonna say I saw a mushroom or something and started shaking.

"You can't do that! Don't reduce yourself to that level!"

>I'm not! I'm not. Just... grumpy.

'Then look up.'

>...What in the...

[I'M HELPING!]

"She, uh... she's helping."

'In her own little way.'

>...

"Something wrong?"

>Just wondering when my life included watching a spider-changeling try to scrub the ceiling...

[There, all... DARN IT! IT KEEPS HAPPENING!]

>...and not realize she leaves a trail behind her...

'Just one of the magics of life.'

[Okay! We're going for pass six!]

"...At least it's better than when PJ tried to help."

'Well I'm sorry! I forgot my grapples leave holes in the wall, SUE ME!'

>...

'...Can they actually do that?'

"..."

'...Oh look! Arana is doing another thing! Let's all look at that!'

[DARN IT!]

'She's so silly!'

>"..."

'Shut up.'

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>Pennydrop
"Various"
~~~~~

SLAM!

>TO WHOMEVER PROGRAMMED IN THE LINE OF CODE WHERE THEY POINT GUNS AT ZEBRAS... FUCK YOU!

"You said to program in where they look for suspicious individuals!"

"And we did a hyper advanced algorithm for this and anything!"

"It was super hard!"

>FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! AND FUUUUUCK YOU!

"Is there really a problem?"

>YES! I MEANT THE BUG MONSTERS! MAKE THEM POINT THE GUNS AT THE *BUG MONSTERS!*

"..."

"..."

"..."

>...WHAT!?

"Uh... so you're not mad about the racial profiling.... just that it wasn't this particular race."

>YES!

"They uh... they do assume that changelings are guilty, we programmed that in. The only way they wouldn't point a gun at one is if no less than four other guns are pointed at it."

>Oh... good! So long as we're applying the appropriate response to the changelings and NOT THE FUCKING GRYPHONS, TINKER!... All is well! Carry on then!

SLAM!

"...Guys? Are... are we the bad guys?"

"...if you look at our logo just right, it does kind of look like a skull."

"Huh.."

"...But full dental with no deductible."

"And ten weeks vacation a year!"

"And no drug tests!"

"""..................."""

"BACK TO WORK EVERYONE!"

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>Dadling
"Batmom"
~~~~

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?"

>Be specific, I've been a busy bug.

"MY MOVIES! MY PRECIOUS PRECIOUS MOVIES! GONE! ALL GONE! YOU MONSTER! No! Wait! That's too nice a thing to say! YOU'RE BEYOND A MONSTER! YOU'RE FULL ON ELDRITCH HORROR! AN ELDRITCH HORROR WHO IS A DICK! YOU'RE DICKTHULU IS WHAT YOU ARE!"

>But honey! We can't have her accidentally seeing them!

"SHE'S LESS THAT FOUR WEEKS OLD! I DON'T THINK SHE CARES!"

>But what about when she's older? Gotta prepare now!

"GIMME BACK MY SHITTY MOVIES I NEED THEM!"

>Honey!

"NOW!"

>...Fiiiine... they're in the closet.

"THANK YOU! Now, if you don't mind, I am going to enjoy some-"

SLAM!

".."

>You are sitting in time out while you think about swearing in front of the baby!

*Giggle!*

>You tell her!

"...I'm going to burn this place to the ground..."

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>Pommel
"Daw"

"I think you're a wee bit angry."

>No, really what makes you say that?

"Well a few minutes ago there was a popping noise and now your eye's all-"

>I am aware.

"Does it-?"

>Excruciating. Do NOT stop me when I get there.

"Oh no, by all means, if'n th' cunts don't have an excuse, I'd be sore tempted to drag them all the way to an ocean so I could keelhaul 'em myself."

>What POSSIBLE excuse could they have for this?

"Eldritch monstrosity?"

>What, confined to one room?

"You act that like that isn't a possibility at this point."

>If they even have one it better be pretty fucking important. The only guy who stepped up was Last Act!

"That is still a weird fuckin' nickname."

>Where was Buckler!? Where was Hilt!?

"Where were Axe, Spear, and Blade?"

>Who?

"Oh, sorry, was just guessing accordin' to the theme."

>Stop trying to make me laugh, this is not laughing time, this is try not to kill my co-workers time!

"As your eyeball suggests...seriously, we should get you to a doctor."

>That can wait until AFTER I make them all need one.

Pommel stormed ahead, making a beeline for the barracks. Daw shrugged.

"That just seems like it'd up your time in the waiting room, but whatever. Wait up!"

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>Silver Spoon
"Spike"
~~~~
Silver spoon walks into the gun club room and finds Spike working on a rifle.
>Hey Spike.

"Oh hey, Silver. If you're looking for DT she's working the guards right now."

>Actually, I was looking for you. I wanted to talk to you.

"Sure, what is it?"

>I'm a little worried about DT. She seems to be pushing herself lately.

"Heh, she pushes the guards even harder."

>That's true. It's just that she hasn't been the same since she was forced to leave the A-team. Without you and the others as her rudder, she's sailing on her own. She needs friends, Spike. Friends that can keep her from straying down a dark path. I don't know if you noticed, but she was happiest when we were all together. These days she's just angry.

"...Isn't she always-"

>Okay more angry than usual. The point is, even though she's not showing it she's still devastated by what Princess Applejack did to her. Can you...help her bounce back up? We can't let her deal with this by herself. Even if she doesn't listen to me, I think she'll listen to you.

"Yeah of course. What are friends for?"

>...if you can also help prevent her from becoming a robosexual, I'd appreciate it.

"I...can't make promises."

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