jokes 041615

I have a friend in graduate school for nuclear physics or whatever. He’s a student aid right now, and he told me he makes $400 a week for doing 7 hours of work. I was like, “big deal! So do I; they just make me hang out for the remaining 33 hours anyway.”

Sometimes some person will be telling me about some documentary or a tv show I might like, and they’ll be really insistent that I watch it. Then I’ll ask, “Is it on Netflix?” “No.” “Fuck you. I’m not going out of my way to watch that shit.” Netflix is literally the most effort I will exert. When a show or a movie is taken off of Netflix, it never existed, as far as I’m concerned.

Texting while driving is very egomaniacal…and also stupid, but I’m a dabbler. I make sure that any text I send while driving is absolutely perfect, though. Just I	n case it’s the last thing I ever write. Every time I send “lol” while driving, it is followed by immediate fear of dying with that being the last text I’ve ever sent. This goes double for when I send, “yolo.” I don’t want my death to be ironic.

I just read an article earlier today about a man who was beaten by police after he had fallen off of a horse he had just stolen. The article stated, “The man sustained approximately 37 kicks and 54 punches to the head and upper body areas while the horse stood idly by.” The horse just stood idly by… It’s like the journalist was thinking, “I can’t believe that punk ass horse just stood there.” With the words leading up to it, I was expecting something completely else. “The man sustained approximately 37 kicks and 54 punches to the head and upper body areas, and then the horse started in on him.”

Sitcoms like to start with an announcer stating, “this show was filmed in front of a live studio audience.” I think it’s boring that they always say it like that. I want to at least once hear “Boy Meets World was filmed in front of a dead studio audience.”  Or at least, “The Big Bang Theory was filmed in front of a studio audience who feel dead on the inside.” Then I could at least relate. “Silver Spoons was filmed in front of a racist studio audience.” I think these options just need explored.