Only now I saw your comment on my thread and dude, everything you've written shined a light over my soul and everything I want to do!
I PM'd you so we can talk better. Please tell me more about your story including the drugs, they've helped me massively (e.g. only taking Ecstasy once helped me turn off my social filtering, only taking Diazepam once helped me ease off my depressive episodes, only smoking one joint of weed once unlocked my creativity to the social context, etc)
You said something so perfect that I have to quote your comment by phrase. Really sorry I can't reply to you in a normal fashion! I hope you understand everything I struggle with after this.
>Hi man, ok let me first get the emotional extroverted feeling out of the way: OMG we are so similar!! And so rare at the same time...
>HOW WE ARE SIMILAR
>Well, I am obviously Infj, diagnosed bipolar II, borderline, ocd, and others I don't remember now. I am good looking too, workout 5 days a week. Also we are quite the same height (u being a tiny taller ;))
Are we twins from another mother, this is crazy man :)
>But that's not all, I pretty much do the same thing, concerning "gettin" as many girls as possible to account for my delayed start in the dating game....Lost my virginity at 18 in a threesome, which I obviously didn't "pull" myself, but my younger friend.
The first girl I've kissed with came after I've had sex with about 5 escorts and it was set up by someone else. I fuckin laugh while writing this but that's the truth. So kinda similar, just like you I needed impulse.
>Then no sex (And no relation either....nice.....) until 22, when I was really so bored with this dating shit, I started doing parties like crazy and more and more drugs. At the time I was friends with a guy who I now estimate to be ESTP (Yes it's true, I never seen anyone getting so many partners without even using pickup but jut his natural Machiavellian-ism).
Umm some people are blessed by extreme good genetics, which we despite being tall don't have. Girls spot this and it doesn't have anything to do with personality type from what I've seen. Although I have to agree with you, ESTP's are probably the biggest cheaters in the dating game if they are slightly intelligent, and probably your friend was like that.
Friends I am around are more neurotic ENTJ's so no ladies men, nobody to set me up.
>Well, so as you might know the Infj is often defined as "social chameleon" , if you add to that having seen with my eyes how effective my ESTP mate was at pickup, I just acted HARDCORE to be as ESTP-y as possible (while also reading pickup theory).
Have to admit, I did read a lot of pickup theory, but most helpful in defining my attitude now was "The Unchained Man: The Alpha Male 2.0" A slightly shallow book about male life in general, but it's taught me many things I try to respect now, including overcoming my infj sensitivity.
And yeah I'm quite a social chameleon. There is only one problem though: I can only relaibly act as an ENTP now. And ENTP is not attractive, I know that.
Again, my purpose is not to pick-up thousands of girls, it is to bed as many high quality girls as possible. Anyway something better than just marrying...
>Just as a little example, to be more Extroverted, I chose not to have a smartphone, just a 15$ phone to force myself to talk to people : either on the phone or asking for directions when I really needed them. I forced myself to talk on the phone on public transport, to kick the anxiety in the ass and NOT do what I think is SUPPOSED to be done in society or put other peoples needs before mine.
>(You see how fucked up this get? Sure u can relate....)
>Well that all doesn't sound so sweet, but guess what.....acting ESTP (which is the INFJ Shadow type) in only one year I got something like 15 woman in my bed. Crazy eh?
I've already trained my mind to be good at small talk and right now I think I'm better at small talk than an extrovert. I know how to detach from the soulful meaning of cold socialization and treat it just like a thought process.
Again I have trouble with acting ESTP because I always have to get rejective about something and back off, either from an idea, even from that socialization altogether. What should I do about that?
>Btw, the fact that ESTP is the opposite of INFJ, and that males who wear this personality (ESTP) are know to be ladies-man[...]
>Well, obviously turning into your shadow - type, (Or Maniac) to get girls is not a great strategy for the long-term. Since additionally, this behavior was performed while partying to death and taking TONS of drugs...I ended up with a sweet psychiatric crisis.Then they gave me anti-psychotics , SSRI, mood stabilizers and tranquilizers. It didn't work because I was still drinking / smoking weed / occasional cocaine.
>I stop my funky biography here...Pm if you want to talk.
Indeed in maniac episodes I'm very extraverted but then I seem to reject girls even more. I seem to reinforce my "hey i'm just here to contribute to society, fuck off if you can't help me" further...
At the beginning I said about what ecstasy, diazepam and weed, only taken once! completely changed some of my negative aspects. What would you suggest I do about this thing, except for hypnosis therapy and other things?
>WHAT I TRIED TO DO
>I think one of the biggest problems of the male INFJ is this fucking Fe. I really hate it!!! Well, it wouldn't be such a problem if our society didn't encourage and incentive exploiting others, but I am digressing...
>So, I realized I had to get this Fe handled: To learn to set boundaries and to stop being such a people pleaser. So I started Boxing 4/5 days a week and did it quite intensively for some 2 years.
>The funny shit is that even though being physically capable, I always felt sorry for hitting the others in the face. My trainer used to constantly tell me I need to throw harder punches, which was avoided not because of physical weakness, but because of empathy with my opponent!![...]
>So, fast forward to now, I am 28. Quite Isolated, which sounds (and is) sad, but avoids me being CUT into pieces by Fe...I accepted the fact that life is pretty lonely and that I have just a few good friends.
One book I've read, in coincidence when I was also in a very depressive episode so probably my mind was more malleable, helped me reduce my people-pleasing to "society only". People respect me a lot since the last few years.
However with this comes a problem. By "society only" I have an extremely generalist way of thinking and I treat my life and my time as something I need to lend to society. For instance my obsessive volunteering work.
I never let people step over me, cut me into pieces like you said, or act like assholes with me, but I still feel like giving something back to society 24/7.
I worked out a lot but I never did any "violence simulations" (boxing/fighting). Would you suggest I should start this sport?
Also, why are you more isolated right now, after you've said you managed to act ESTP and bed a decent number of women. What happened after that? Tell me everything you have on your heart.
>I personally have some success with SSRIs. Some lower your libido so you might get "liberated" from this urge, but that's not really what we want...... They (SSRIs) are known to "blut feelings" or "anesthetize / kill / flatten feelings". So that's exactly what we want! Get rid of this fucking curse!
>Further, gettin some bloodwork done and checking testosterone and eventually takeing steroids (since you already lost your hair....) might help turning you into more of an aggressive apha-male bullshit...etc The idea is that you lower you anxiety aka. Fe with SSRIs and then turn yourself into a horny bull who ACTS
I'm a little lucky as my testosterone levels have been checked and are higher than average. I'm relatively hairy and still have some muscle definition after not being in the gym in 6 months.
But yes I have no hair to lose so I'll probably take steroids when my moods will consistently go down, thing that hasn't happened until now, I'm a constant bipolar ii rapid cycling at 2-3 weeks interval. At 40-ish I'll definitely start roid cycles, but only if I will become successful... So far I don't enjoy much success...
BTP, quick question: Keep bald or start doing wigs? My head shape is ok but women might be less attracted to shaved looks.
My anxiety now is mostly situational now. I'm no longer timid when I have to show up in a huge group. Now I like projecting my image towards as many people as possible.
But sometimes I still feel the need of planning a social encounter, wasting time. Or when I have my fucking shit attempts at seduction I can get anxious all of a sudden from nothing...
>Increasing Dopamine makes me more confident. A medium - long term options seems modafinil giving me quite some confidence and motivation (See also: Bupropion, ritalin, adderall or MAO B inhibitors)
>Boxing / martial arts might be useful, but I believe you have to actually do some sparring and not the meditation-soft kind of thai-chi type[...]
>Training pickup skills works[...]
>Meditation
>Cold-Showers
Out of all of these Modafinil does indeed seem like a long term solution, it is a somewhat simple substance. But it's hard to get in my country... Amphetamines and SSRI's might worsen my manic-depressive cycles and create the need for extra drugs like stabilizers so I won't risk taking those.
Also I can find cocaine, hashish, ketamine, shrooms and weed which hmm... I'm afraid to take any of these except for ketamine, it's known to rewire the brain's reward centers and cognition efficiency. Should I find someone with ketamine and take it?
Cold showers do work massively, I don't know what they do but boy they work! Thanks for bringing it back up!
Someone suggested me meditation before, but enjoying a glass of wine/vodka while listening to music, with everything else off... Pretty close to meditation. I hate quietness because sometimes tinnitus bugs me :)
Thanks again man!