Bad Poners (RGRE edition)

Pinkie Pie
~_~_~_~_

>Be Anon
>It was another day in horseland
>Like usual, you were spending your Tuesday morning lying on the floor staring up at the ceiling, trying to keep the existential dread at bay
>By your count, you had done this about four thousand times since your thirteenth birthday, and around four thousand times you had been a loser in this mental battle
>But maybe today you'd be able to come out on top
>Probably not, but you wouldn't know unless you tried right?
>...
>Yep...
>That ceiling was really tannish...
>Or maybe just a off-looking white?
>...
>You should probably get something to patch up that bit right there...
>And there...
>"Nonners."
>Maybe you could just go ahead and repaint the whole thing...
>"Nonners fo-fonners."
>Eh...
>If you wanted to paint the room you'd have to buy paint, and paint brushes, and something to open the pain can, and tarps so that you didn't get paint on the carpet
>"Nonnnnnny!"
>Maybe you could do that this weekend?
>At the very least you could sucker someone to come in here and do it for you
>Maybe Applejack
>"Nonny fo-fonny salami!"
>Yeah...
>The second you said something about work and showed her a bit of skin--not too much though-- she'd be over in an heartbeat and--"
>"Noooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
>Pink invaded your vision before a weight settled onto your chest
>A soft, fuzzy muzzle poked at your chin
>"Paaaaaaayyyyyy aaaaattttttttteeeeeeennnnnnttttttiiiiiiioooooonnnnn ttttooooo mmeeeeeeeee!"
>You frowned, trying your hardest to count the number of cracks on your ceiling
>This, unfortunately, didn't make the whining or boops to the chin cease
>"Nonny."
"..."
>"Nonny!"
"..."
>"NonnyNonnyNonnyNonnyNonnyNonnyNonnyNonny--!"
>Your frown deepened
>Lifting your head, you looked up to see a pair of deep blue eyes staring back at you
"What?" you demanded grumpily
>The eyes widened, and you could see the excitement and joy filling them
>Oh god...

>Here we go...
>"Nonny! There's my grumpy little colt!" the pink menace said, wiggling on top of you
>Grunting, you let your head fall back to the floor
"Pinkie, what do you want?" you asked
>The pink party pony giggled
>"Nonny, I'm hungry," she said, nose booping your cheek
"Then go make yourself a sandwich," you grumbled, shoving her muzzle away
>Pinkie Let out a whine
>"But I don't want to, Nonnnnnny!"
"Then order a pizza or something."
>You tried to push Pank off of you
>Unfortunately for you, she was a heavy ass earth pony, and you were still pretty focused with the ceiling, so she barely moved an inch
>She did let out a giggle when your fingers dug into the fur on her chest
>"It's too early. The pizza places aren't open right now," she said
"Then wait for a couple hours."
>"But I don't wanna," Pinkie said with a pout. "I'm hungry now and I want to stop the rumblies in my tumbly."
>You threw up a hand into the air
"Then what do you want me to do about it then?"
>Ponko let out a thoughtful hum, resting her head on your chest
>"Go make me a sandwich please," she said
>You picked your head back up to look at the crazy pink horse
"Make you a sandwich?" you asked
>She nodded
>"Yep. I like fried peanut butter and cotton candy sandwiches. No crust please," she said. "If you don't have cotton candy taffy's fine too."
>Your nose scrunched up before you let your head fall back to the floor
"I'm not making you a sandwich."
>"Aw, why not?" Pinkie asked, wiggling up your body so that she could press her muzzle against your nose and look you in the eye
>Usually, being pinned like this would have made you uncomfortable, but this wasn't the first time that Pinkie suddenly and without warning laid on top of you
>It also wasn't the first time she had broken into your house, even though you were positive that you had locked the windows and doors the night before
>Unfortunately
"Because I have better things to do," you said, poking her cheek
>Her muzzle scrunched up

>"Like what?"
"Like not making you a sandwich," you replied
>Pinkie puffed out her cheeks, and you had to make an effort not to laugh
>"Come on, Nonny. It's just a couple of sandwiches," she said, booping your noses together. "It'll be fun!"
"Fun for you maybe."
"Nuh-uh! Colts LOVE to be in the kitchen, silly," Pinkie said with a giggle
>You booped her nose hard enough to make her eyes cross
"Not a stallion," you said, letting your hand fall to your side
>"Of course you're a stallion, Nonny," Pinkie said matter-of-factly. "You have a willy and everything!"
"No I don't. I have a series of pulleys that I use to expel waste," you told the pink horse
>"Really?! Can I see?"
"No."
>"Please?"
"No. Now get off me before I boop you again."
>Pinkie huffed
>"Pretty please with a cherry on top make me a sandwich?"
"No."
>"But you'll be in the kitchen! That's a stallion's natural habit!"
"I already told you I'm not a stallion, and my natural habitat isn't the kitchen, it's right here. So let me run wild and free, Pank."
>Pinkie pressed her weight forward, her big blue eyes seemingly getting closer though her muzzle was already pressed against your snozzle
>"Come on. I'll be your best friend."
"No."
>"I'll throw you a "Nonny's a really nice guy" party."
"No."
>"It doesn't have to be a big sandwich. Just a little one, for a little pony like me."
"I've seen how much you eat, so you're hardly a little pony, and the answer's still no."
>There were a few moments of silence as the two of you stared at each other
>It was a battle of wills
>A clash of your very souls
>"Please."
"No."
>"Please."
"No."
>"Please."
"No."
>Your eyes twitched as Pinkie took a deep, deep breath
>"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease--"
>...
>Oh lord...
>She wasn't gonna stop was she?
>Growling to yourself, you narrowed your eyes
>You were a wall
>"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease--"
>A wall...
>"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease--"
>WALL...
>"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease--"

>...
>"Pleasepleasepleaseplease--"
>Reaching up, you clamped a hand over her muzzle
>Wanting to make especially sure that you'd shut her up, you brought up your other hand and clamped her mouth down with it too
>If you had a third hand you would have used it to shut her the fuck up as well
"If I go make you a sandwich will you shut up?"
>Pinkie shook her head back and forth, freeing her muzzle from your clutches
>"Yepper peppers!" she chirped
>You rolled your eyes
"Fine, then get off m--"
>"But you gotta remember to cut the crusts."
"I will."
>"And can I have some lemonade too?"
"If I have some in the fridge sure."
>"When can I get a hoof rub because I've had a long day?"
>Your frown deepened so much that it felt like it was off your face
"No. You're getting your sandwich and lemonade or nothing."
>Pinkie clopped her hooves together
>"Whoo!" she cheered. "Momma's getting some FOOD!"
>Wiggling one last time, she rolled off of you, allowing you to sit up
>You did so, though you weren't too happy about it
>Goddamn Panko...
>Pinkie rose to her hooves as you got up with a grunt
>You stretched, wincing as bones popped
"Go wait in the living room or something," you said. "I'll see if I even have bread in my kitchen."
>"Okie dokie!" Pinkie said with an excited hop, nearly shaking with excitement
>Nodding, you were about to take a step forward
>Before you could do that, however, Pinkie reared back and hoof and slapped you on the ass hard enough that it made noise
>"Don't forget the crust, Nonners!" Pank said, all smile
>But you weren't smiling
>You weren't smiling even a little bit
>Slowly, you turned around and looked at the mare
>The expression on your face must have been something, because the smile left Pinkie's face
"You fucked up," you told the mare

~_~_~_~_
>Be Pinkie
>You were in Nonner's kitchen, sitting in a corner with a dunce hat that said "Bad Pony" on it
>Nonny was sitting at his kitchen table, nomming on a tasty looking sandwich
>In front of him were about a dozen sandwiches that looked just as scrumdiddlyumptious
>...
>Your stomach growled
>You looked down at it before looking over at Nonny
"Nonny?"
>Nonner's looked up as he slowly chewed
>"Yeah?"
>Your tummy rumbled a little louder
"Can I have a sandwich now please?"
>"Sandwiches are only for good ponies that don't slap people's asses Pinkie," your alien chum said
>You frowned
"Horse apples..."
>Rainbow was full of horse apples when she said colts liked getting their hineys slapped...


Rarity
~_~_~_~_~_~_~

>Be Anon
>You had just finished work, and you were looking at a long weekend in front of you
>There were no parties, and no one was trying to get you to do anything that involved group activities
>So you were spending the first few hours of your weekend sitting on your couch with your face in a pillow
>A guy could only lookup at a ceiling so long before the existential dread started getting boring, and if you pressed your face into the pillow deep enough you could almost hear the ocean
>You knew that it wasn't ACTUALLY the ocean, just the blood rushing through your ears, but pretending you had a magical pillow was much better than using the thing to suffocate yourself
"Yoohoo, Anonymous! Are you in there dear?"
>You know...
>This pillow was starting to smell a little funny...
>"Anonymous, it's Rarity. If you don't mind I'll be coming in."
>Maybe you should toss this in with the rest of your wash when you did it tomorrow?
>Could you even wash pillows and clothes together?
>What if your pillow burst and feathers got in all of your shit?
>"Oh my goodness, will you just LOOK at this mes--oh, there you are dear!"
>Hmm...
>You knew one thing for sure
>"Anon, are you asleep dear? Oh, I can see one of your eyes open! Anonymous! Anonymous!"
>You weren't putting just a fucking pillow in the wash all by itself
>FUCK wasting all that water for that
>You let out a sigh as you felt someone crawl up onto your couch
>Since your couch was marshmallow horse-sized, today's tormentor was forced to crawl up onto the small of your back
>They did this without hesitation, even going so far as to wiggle themselves around so that they were more comfortable
>"You know it's very rude to ignore a guest, dear," they said, poking the back of your head with their muzzle.
>...
>Maybe it would be alright if you put your pillow in with your towels
>That way there wouldn't be that much of a mess if the thing broke and--
>You tensed as you felt someone's nose brush against the back of your neck

>"And forgive me for saying so, but it's also very rude to continue to ignore your guest," your intruder said.
>You frowned, lifting your head from your pillow and looking over your shoulder as best as you could
>A pair of blue eyes were staring back at you
>And not the other blue eyes either
>You could sometimes ignore the owner of those eyes if you tried hard enough
>No, these eyes belonged to a little horse that wouldn't stop
>She was like the terminator
>Except she was a horse and not a robot...
>And she didn't have a german accent...
>Or machine guns...
>And Skynet didn't exist here...
"How can I help you Rarararararararrarararararara?" you asked
>"For one I'd like to know who taught you your manners, you grumpy stallion," Rarity said, tapping your chin with a hoof. "I've been knocking at your door for HOURS. You had me worried that something had happened to you!"
"You knocked on my door twice before coming in," you said, letting you face fall back into your pillow
>A 'harrumph' escaped the little horse
>"Goodness me, goodness me," Rarity said, tsking. "I can only imagine how the manners of hyoo-man mares are if their stallions are like this."
"Hey, I'll have you know that I'm from a proud, noble, and very lewd people," you said, reaching behind you to poke the little horse in the chest
>Though you didn't see it, Rarity frowned
>"I'm sure. Now, since it appears that you aren't going anything, why don't the two of us clean up this pigsty of a house, hmm?"
"My house is not a pigsty," you grumbled, trying to roll onto your side
>Rarity countered this by simply lying down completely onto your back, pinning you against your couch
>"If I hadn't seen you lying in here I would have thought that this house was owned by a group of rowdy mares, darling," she said, giving the back of your neck another nuzzle
>You tensed again, wiggling in place
>You couldn't stand when she did that
>Which, unfortunately, is why she fucking did it
>Pain in the ass fashion heors

>"When was the last time that you've taken out the trash? Or swept these FILTHY floors?"
"Since the last time you broke into my house and laid on my like this."
>You could feel Rarity's tail brushing against the back of your legs as she shook her head
>"It looks as if I'll have to come over more often then, to make sure you're acting like a proper colt and not some mare that hasn't washed her coat in a month."
>She gave your hair a sniff, grimacing
>"Perhaps a month and a half..."
"Bathing too much is bad for you," you said. "It lets the disease come through the skin. That's what every medical book says."
>"Maybe every medical book a thousand years ago," Rarity said, hopping off your back. "Thankfully, we don't live in such a wretched time. Now get up you silly stallion. Before we can even BEGIN to clean up this mess we need to get you clean."
>She tried to move you with her magic, but she was no Twilight and you were three times her size
"I'll take a bath later," you said, lifting a hand up and trying to blindly boop the mare
>"You will do no such thing, Anonymous," Rarity said with a stomp of her little hoof. "Now come. We'll need to bathe you at least half a dozen times before you're presentable."
"Presentable for who? you're the only little horse in here, and that's already too many."
>"A stallion should always present himself as if he were about to go to the Grand Galloping Gala. Now up you brute. Up, up!"
>Tiny little horse or no, slowly but surely Rarity had you sitting up
>Then it was only a matter of time before she had you up and walking upstairs toward your bathroom
>The fashionista made sure to hold your hand the entire way, spouting nonsense about your "crassness" and "how you might become the first spinster in the history of Equestria if you keep this up mister"
>You just ignored the little horse the best as you could
>If you had been a more emotionally inclined man you might have kicked her out of a window

>There was more than one opportunity to do so, and it would have looked fucking sick probably
>But windows were expensive, and you were cheap
>So FUCK that
>Dragging you into your bathroom, Rarity turned on your shower before closing the door behind the two of you
>"Now get out of those clothes. I'll see if you still have the shampoos that I bought you last time. From your smell I expect them to be untouched."
"Hey, it was a long day at work," you said, giving the little horse the finger before pulling off your shirt. "People sweat, especially when it's hot out. Not that you'd know anything about hard work."
>Rarity snorted
>"I'll have you know that while I may not be Applejack I've been known to work VERY hard," she said, puffing her cheeks out at you as she adjusted the water's temperature for the shower. "Now come, come. We have a long evening ahead of us."
>Not wanting to draw this out--because that's EXACTLY what Rararara would do if you told her no or ran out the door-- you completely undressed
"If that water's too hot I'll give you something to whine about," you grumbled, stepping into the shower
>And you would too...
>She was tiny, magic or not
>You could probably beat this little horse to death with your dick if you wanted to...
>"I can assure you the water is perfect," she said, grabbing a loofa and liquid soap. "Now come here so I can wash you off."
>You frowned
"I'm not five, I can do that myself."
>Your frown was answered with a frown
>"Apparently not, since I have to come into your home every week and rescue you from ruining your appearance," Rarity said, giving your leg a poke. "Now come here."
>Fucking horses...
>Grumbling, you did as she asked
>Just to be a bastard though, as you got closer you pivoted your hips and before snapping them forward
>This caused your johnson to swing around and slap the little horse on the muzzle
>She twitched, taking a half step back before glaring up at you

>"A brute of a stallion," she said to herself, the faintest of blushes appearing on her face. "But even the roughest brutes can be molded."
>She then poked your belly
>"And as your friend and a gentlemare it's my duty to help you become the gentlecolt you were meant to be! And I shall, even if I must come here every day!"
"Yah," you said, rolling your eyes as you squatted down so she could wash you properly. "Just what I need, another little horse breaking into my house everyday..."
>Another 'harrumph' escaped Rarity
>"You'll thank me when you find a wonderful herd for yourself, Anon," she said
>You were about to retort when you felt the mare rear back and give your bare ass a pat
>It wasn't a hard pat, but you were naked, and she was naked
>You were also pretty grumpy and she was a little horse...
>Frowning as hard as you could, you looked back at Rarity
>The unicorn's eyes were slightly widened, as if she realized her mistake, but it was too late
>There were no breaks on this train
>You quickly stood up to your full height, staring down at the mare
"You fucked up."

~_~_~_~_~_~_

>Be Rarity
>You were in Anon's living room, facing a corner
>There was a dunce hat that said "bad pony" on it on your head
>You also were sitting in a box that said you were a "bad pony" as well
>It, of course, was nonsense
>You knew you were a very good pony
>Nevertheless, you were forced to sit in the box as Anon--who was now clean-- was taking steps toward making his pigsty of a home livable
>While such a thing would have usually made you rejoice, you were finding it very difficult to do so in your state
"Anonymous, MUST I sit in this box?" you asked, looking over your shoulder at the human. "I feel like a foal!"
>Anon looked up from his sweeping to frown at you
>"Bad horses need to sit in the box. Now be quiet; you still have ten more minutes."
>Huffing, you once again faced the wall
>You should have known that Anonymous wouldn't like his hindquarters slapped
>Hyoo-man or not, he was still a stallion!
>...
>This was the LAST time you took advice from Rainbow!


~_~_~_~_~_

Twilight Sparkle

>Be Anon
>It was that time again
>The bad time
>And not the bad time during the night when you try to figure out how to make a hangman's knot without looking it up
>No...
>This was worse
>Much, much worse...
>"Come on, you're doing great, Anon! If you knead the bread a little more it'll be PERFECT."
>You were standing in a kitchen
>You had a lump of dough in your hands and a bowl of flour next to you, and you were kneading said dough with all of the fineness of a man who just couldn't quite find a fuck to give
>"No, not like that, Anon. You gotta be a bit more gentle with it. Look, watch how I'm doing it."
>Did you also mention that you were wearing an apron?
>Because you were
>It was frilly and pink and had hearts all over it
>The thing was also tiny--only going down to your belly button--and it did nothing at all to shield you from all of the flour, eggs, dough, and whatever else you had been working with today
>"Like this, Anon. Squeeze and flick. Just squeeze and flick."
>Spike was standing next to you
>Well, not standing exactly...
>Since he was such a tiny little lizard, he was forced to stand on top of a stool so that his stubby little arms could reach the counter top
>While this would have usually been HILARIOUS, you were so fucking giant that you had to bend down like some kind of idiot so you could work your dough
>To anyone watching, you were sure it made a startling contrast...
>"You're doing great, Anon," a voice said behind you.
>You snorted, looking over your shoulder so that you could look at the one that had dragged you into this kitchen
>Motherfucking Princess Twilight "these wings aren't just a phase dad" Sparkle
>The princess was sitting at a table, as she had been for the last three hours
>Sitting around her were the results of both your and Spike's culinary skills
>His looked fantastic; the kind of food that you'd see in a magazine

>Perfectly browned bread, salads, sandwiches, pancakes that looked like they'd melt in your mouth on the first bite
>And then there was your shit
>Bread that had been burned so that it looked like a hockey puck
>Pancakes that could have beaten someone to death
>A plate of cookies that were so foul they seemed to drink in the light of the room
>A bowl of soup that looked like swamp water
>And you weren't even going to get into your cookies...
>You eyed everything on the table, before looking at the princess
"I think you and I have a different definition for the word great," you said, giving your dough a squeeze before slamming it into the counter
>Spike huffed
>"Gentle, Anon, gentle," he said. "You don't want to upset the dough."
"The dough's not some fucking high school goth kid. It's dough," you replied
>"Anon, language," Twilight gently chastised. "And if I were you I'd listen to Spike. I've never met a better cook in my whole life."
>Spike puffed up in pride at the statement, finishing up his dough with a flourish and tossing it into a bowl
>You, however, weren't so moved
"That's all well and good, but why the hell do I need to learn this shit?"
>"Language, Anon," Twilight said, hopping out of her chair and making her way over toward you. "And you need to learn this because it's important for a stallion like yourself."
>"Yeah!" Spike said, tossing a wet towel over his bowl and pushing it away. "The best way to a mare's heart is her stomach after all."
>"That's right," Twilight said. "It's important for stallions to be able to prepare delicious, healthy meals for his herd and children."
"Really?" you said, tossing your ball of dough into the air before letting it fall onto the table. "Well, unlike ponies, we human's don't need to do any of that, since, you know, we drive our kids out of the nest right after they're born to they can fend for themselves."

>For a moment, Twilight's eyes lit up
>The tip of her horn glowed, and with a pop a piece of parchment and a quill appeared out of thin air
>Oh here we go...
>You braced yourself as the alicorn opened her mouth, ready for the barrage of questions
>Thankfully, Spike, ever your little nigga, cleared his throat
>This caused Twilight to pause
>Gears started to turn
>Critical thinking was applied
>The smile on her face slowly but surely turned into a frown, and her nose scrunched up like it always did when you made up some bullshit story
>"Anon..." she said
>And there we go...
>Took her only a couple of seconds this time...
"What? It's a good way to weed out the weaker kids," you said, turning your attention back onto your dough. "No one gets all that hurt; except all of the kids that get taken by wolves I guess..."
>"Horse apples," Spike said, coughing into a claw
>Your gaze flicked up to him
"Why don't you go and horse apples yourself another loaf of bread or something, smart guy?" you said, sticking your tongue out at him
>Spike giggled, grabbing another bowl and sliding it over to you
>"I think you kneaded that enough, Anon," he said. "Now we just need Twilight to..."
>Twilight perked up
>"Oh yeah. Give me a second."
>The tip of her horn glowed
>Both you and Spike watched as her purple aura surrounded your bowls
>"You know, most ponies need to wait hours for their bread to set," the little dragon said
>You snorted
"Yeah? Well I get around all of this nonsense by sexually harassing ponies at the market until they give me things to eat."
>That tactic worked a little better than most people would think
>Once, you even managed to get a cooked turkey from a flustered gryphon
>You had thought it weird that a bird cooked another slightly smaller bird, but you HAD eaten like a king for a couple of days
>Eventually, Twilight's aura disappeared from the bowl and the alicorn smiled

>"There you two go. Now just put the finishing touches on your bread and I'll have it cooked up in a jiffy!" she chirped
"Yeah, let's get this over with I guess," you said, pulling the towel off your bowl and looking down at your bread
>It looked fine for now, but you knew not to get your hopes up
>Every time Twilight used her magic to cook your grub something screwy happened, as all of the carnage at the table showed
>You must have looked upset, because Spike places a claw on your shoulder
>"Hey, I'll be fine this time. You did everything you were supposed to," he said
"Yeah, but I did everything I was supposed to on the last dish, and the dish after that, and looked what happened there," you replied, shrugging.
>"Aw, come on, it's not that bad, Anon," Twilight assured
"If It wasn't that bad you wouldn't have almost broken your teeth trying to eat that donut I made, Twi."
>Twilight opened her mouth to say something but quickly closed it
>"...At least you're starting to get better?"
>You gave the mare a look
>She giggled nervously
>"Welllllll, why don't we go ahead and see about that bread huh?"
>"Give me a second and I'll put the dough on pans," Spike said, quickly hopping off his stool and scurrying across the kitchen
>In a matter of moments, he had a pair of pans in his claws and he was climbing back into the stool
>Dropping both balls of dough into the pans, he gave Twilight a thumbs up
>"Alrighty, do your thing Twilight!"
>"Alright!" the alicorn said, the tip of her horn glowing
>Two beams shot from her horn, hitting the balls of dough
>There was a hiss, then a puff of smoke
>When the smoke cleared, you saw that Spike's bread was perfect
>Perfectly browned and a perfect circle, with a dorky little heart carved into it
>Yours on the other hand...
>You could feel an eye twitched as you looked down at the smoking, black... thing in front of you
>Twilight and Spike looked as well, one exasperated and one confused

>"How...?"
>"Oh Celestia, not again..."
>The three of you stood there in silence for a good minute or two
>...
>Goddammit
>Clearing her throat, Twilight gave your ass a little pat
>"Well... lets just hope you get into a rich her--HEY!"
>Frowning harder than you've ever frowned, you turned around and picked the princess up
>In her surprise, Twilight kicked and flapped her wings, but you made sure to hold onto her nice and tight as you made your way over to a corner in the room and sat down
>"Anon, what are you doing? Put me down!" a flustered Twilight said
"No," you said, staring at the corner resolutely. "This is your fault for making me do this shit so we're suffering together."
>"It's just cooking!"
>Your eyes narrowed down to slits
"It's a big deal when you have to do it for hours just to find out you're a giant fucking Sweetie Belle," you hissed
>Twilight frowned
>"Language."
>You growled
"We're. Sitting. Here. Dammit."
>Spike, looking at you, shook his head
>"Hyoo-mans are weird..."



~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Applejack


>Be Anon
>Be out in Sweet Apple Acres
>Like you did with most mornings, you were helping Don Granny beat some protection money out of some trees
>Since most of the trees, obviously either of very stubborn Irish descent or some kind of greasy horse-tree Italians, were tough nuts to crack
>They didn't want to give up their apples
>Fortunately for you, the Don wasn't against you using a bat to get what the family needed
>So you did what you could one swing at a time, all the while wondering if today was going to be the day when someone tried to knock the apples from your branches
>You could only hope you guess...
>"Anon, there ya are!"
>You grunted, swinging your bat as hard as you could
>When you had first started doing this, nine times outta ten a swing would hurt you more than the tree
>But, after doing this for hour after hour, you knew just the sweet spot
>The end of your bat connected with the trunk of that poor, defenseless tree--a store owner by the look of him-- with a satisfying crack
>You watched as the tree swayed violently
>You could also hear the tree scream...
>"Anon! Do ya got hum in yer ears, I'm talkin' ta ya!"
>You looked away from your victim and turned toward Captaino Applu
>Behind her was her sister, lil' Applu, and her friends Sweetie Belle and...
>And...
>The other one...
>You took a deep breath, resting your bat on your shoulder as you wiped the sweat from your brow
"Is there something you needed boss?" you asked
>The Captaino nodded
>"Yeah, I was wonderin' if ya could help me with somethin'."
>From the look on the Captaino's face, you had a feeling that whatever you were helping with wasn't going to be particularly fun
>Not as fun as beating up trees anyway
>Still, she was a made mare and you weren't, so you had to shut your mouth and do what she said
"And what's that, boss?"
>Captaino Applu frowned, looking back at her sister and her sister's friends
>Turning back toward you, a bit of bashfulness colored her features

>"Well, um, I..." the mare began, rubbing the back of her head. "The lil 'uns here have a couple o' questions that they'd like answered..."
>You turned fully toward the group beside you, eyebrow raised
>A twinge of suspicion pricked the back of your neck, but you made sure to ignore it
"Oh?"
>The Captaino nodded
>"The... um, well, ya see, usually when the girls here have a question they go an' ask Big Mac, but since yer here and stallions are better with the young 'uns I'd figured I'd bring them to you."
>You turned your attention to lil Applu and her friends
>They were all staring up at you hopefully, bright, innocent smiles on their faces
>If only they knew what was really going on...
>You squatted down and motioned the fillies forward
>They eagerly did so as you sat you bat onto the ground
"So what do you little munchkins wanna know?" you asked
>"Can ya tell us about sex, Mr. Anonymous?" Applebloom asked
>"Yeah! Tell us about sex please!" Sweetie Belle cried, her voice cracking
>Your eyebrow raised a little higher
"Sex?" you said, your gaze flicking back toward your captaino, who refused to look at you
>"Yeah! We're 'bout ta learn sex ed in class an' we wanna know EVERYTHIN' beforehoof so we can get a really good grade on it," lil' Applu said
>"We wanna show everpony else that the Crusaders known ALL about sex!" the... other one said, puffing her chest out
>...
>What was her name?
>You swore you knew it...
>It started with a S...
>Swirl?
>Skippy?
>Something like that?
>"I've been tryin' ta ask Applejack about it all day but she won't tell us ANYTHIN'," lil' Applu said, giving her sister a dirty glare. "So she brought is ta ya!"
>Scratching your chin, you looked down at the baby horses for several seconds
>You then looked back over at the captaino
>She was looking at you with a pleading expression, both hooves pressed together
>'Please help me' you could see her mouth to you in horse-Italian
"Hmmm... So you kids wanna learn about sex then?"

>The Crusaders nodded
>"Nuh-ha."
>"Yep."
>"If you don't mind."
>You hummed to yourself, collecting your thoughts
"I guess I can tell you a little about sex then," you said, sitting down in the dirt
>The Crusaders let out a cheer, and your captaino let out a sigh of relief
>Without prompt, the fillies crowded around you and sat down, their eyes wide and their ears perked up
"Lets see... I guess we should go ahead and start from the beginning huh?" you said to yourself.
>You looked up at the sky, your eyes narrowed
"First, I guess, a mare and a stallion need to have an interest in each other. That interest can be physical, it can be one likes a character trait of the other, or the way they talk, or laugh, or a million other things. What's important is that both parties have some kind of interest on the other. You get me?"
>The fillies nodded
"Next, when there's enough interest, a mare usually--but not always--goes up to the stallion and tries to get to know them. They can do this by becoming their friend, or talking, or even taking them on a date or something along those lines. You all still with me?"
>Once again the girls nodded
>Behind them, you could see your captaino nodding to herself with a smile on her face, looking at you in approval
"After, that if there's still an interest, both parties do what they can to grow this interest. That usually means spending more time with each other, maybe having out with the other party's friends or even family."
>The Crusaders nodded, all of them leaned toward you, completely enraptured with what you were saying
"If both parties grow close enough, then they might start having a sexual relationship with each other. Now, all of this can happen in a timespan of a few hours or years if you're unlucky, but in the end most ponies are looking toward this end."
>"But what happens in the sex part?" the... other one said.
>You looked around the apple orchard before leaning toward the girls

>They leaned toward a bit as well, practically squirming
"Well... a lot of times a mare will take the stallion back to her apartment or house--or their apartment or house, if they already live together. They might have gotten a nice dinner together or watched a movie or something like that. But when the mare gets him home she'll usually take him into her bedroom and..."
>The Crusaders leaned so close to you that if they had been just a little bit taller their snouts would have been touching your face
"And then... THE STALLION BITES THE MARE'S HEAD OFF!"
>The fillies drew back with a yelp
>Your captaino, who had been all but beaming, looked gobsmacked as you hopped to your feet
"HE BITES THE MARE'S HEAD OFF AND OPENS UP HER CHEST," you yelled at the top of your lungs. "AND THEN HE LAYS EGGS IN THE MARE'S TUMMY! AND AFTER THAT HE TAKES THE MARE OUTSIDE AND BURIES HER IN THE GROUND!"
>The fillies look beyond horrified, but you don't stop there
"AND AFTER TWO OR THREE MONTHS THE MARE'S EGGS CATCH AND ALL OF THE BABIES DUG UP, POOPING AND PEEING EVERYWHERE!" you shouted, wiggling your fingers at the fillies. "YOU'RE ALL EGG BABIES! ALL THREE OF YOU! AND YOUR MOMMAS RIPPED YOUR DAD'S HEADS OFF! I KNOW, I WAS THERE!"
>This was the final straw for the fillies
>"AH! RUN GIRLS!" lil Applu screamed, spinning around and taking off down the row of trees
>Her friends were quick to follow, both of them screaming at the top of their lungs as they ran as fast as their little hooves took them
>Watching them go, you stood up to your full height and placed your hands on your hips
>You looked at Applejack, whose jaw was nearly touching the ground
"That's why I'm not allowed to be a thousand feet from the schoolhouse."

~_~_~_~_~_
>Be Big Mac
>After clearing out the north orchard, you decided to go back to the house for a glass of lemonade
>The day's work was nearly done, and you found yourself humming a tune as you neared your house
>You could go to the spa today...
>You had a voucher, and you HAD been working your tail off...
>But Thunderlane DID want you and the fellas to take a quick trip up to Canterlot for a shopping spree...
>As you pondered what to do as soon as the last barrel of apples was put in the barn, you made your way up the front steps of your porch
>Instead of seeing your dog, as was usually the case, you saw Anon
>The giant green stallion was sitting in a far too small box
>On this box, in your sister's horrible hoofwriting, were the words 'darned idget stallions box'
>You paused, looking at Anon with a raised eyebrow
>Anon just looked back at you calmly
>"Whatever you're thinking, I do kind of deserve this," he told you, pulling out a flask from his pocket, opening it and taking a sip. "And it was worth it. Really, really worth it."



~_~_~_~_~_~

Rainbow Dash


>Be Anon
>It was market day, a time to restock your dwindling supply of alcohol, cheesy puffs, and other, less essential things
>You were in the middle of a rigorous haggling session with Ponyville's local grumpy horse and lesbian Bonbon
>And by that you meant you had your pants down and were shaking your ass in her face
>"Anon, I don't know how many times I need to see you that this does nothing more me," grump horse said in that bored, flat voice of hers
"I don't care. I'm gonna keep doing this until you give me those caramels for five bits."
>"Ten."
"Five."
>"Eight, and that's the lowest I'm going."
"Bullshit," you said, dropping it like it was hot, before jutting your ass at the mare, forcing her to jerk her head back. "Five, or neither of us is going to get anything done today."
>Bonbon's eyes narrowed
>You could see it in her eyes that she wanted to tell you to fuck off
>Unfortunately for her, she knew that you weren't some limp-dick sally that went back on a promise
>No...
>You'd keep shaking what your momma gave you until she closed her stand up for the night if you had to
>You've done it before, and you were more than happy to do it again
>Her nose scrunching up, Bonbon sighed
>"Fine. Just pull your bucking pants up and give me my bits you whorse of a stallion."
"I'm not a slut if I don't put out," you said, bending down and pulling your pants up with practiced ease. "I'm just a tease."
>"Yeah, well get your teasing flank outta here before I call the guard. Again."
>Works every time...
>You quickly reached into your pocket and pulled out a handful of bits, slamming them into the stand's countertop

>Frowning, Bonbon took them and handed you your candy, which you took with a smile
"Pleasure doing business with ya," you said, stuffing the candy into your pocket
>Bonbon's frown deepened, and she made a gesture with her hooves that were you pretty sure was the horse equivalent of the middle finger
>Not that you gave a shit or anything...
>Cause you got your motherfucking candy...
>Stepping away from the cart, you looked around the marketplace for your next victim
>Across the street, you could see the gryphon that sold the town its meat sitting at her little stand trying very hard not to look at you
>Even from here you could see her feathers puffed out and her beak scrunched
>And we have a winner...
>Grabbing all of the food and what-not you had collected thus far, you began to make your way across the street, all the while wondering what'd you get
>A roast might be nice...
>Or maybe you could get some fat and bones and make a little something with that...
>If this little bird was particularly flustered today you might even be able to get a couple of really nice stea--
>"Hey there good looking, you miss me?"
>A shiver ran up your spine as a raspy, overly loud voice made its way to your ears
>You paused mid step, and as you stood there, eyes widening, you could feel hatred building up inside of you
>This kind of hate wasn't natural in the human body
>It was too concentrated, too pure
>It was almost like you were pulling the hatred from the earth just to feel it the moment that voice hit your ears
>In a matter of moments, you could feeling it welling up in your stomach, spreading out to your extremities
>Slowly, you turned around to see a certain grinning blue pegasus with a rainbow mane
>The hatred concentrated, and very nearly felt solid in your stomach
"Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu," you growled, channeling every bit of that hate into your voice

>While the ponies walking around you flinched at your tone, many looking at you with worry and even a little bit of fear, the one that you had unleashed your malice on seemed completely unaffected
>"Yeah, it's me," Rainbow said, puffing out her chest. "I was just flying by and I saw that your flank looked pretty fat this morning, so I thought I'd come over and say hello."
>She gave you a wink
>"You're welcome."
>You said nothing as she began walking around you, poking around at the bag in your arms
>"Whatcha got here, hot stuff? Food for after the two of us rut later today?"
>You could feel the heartbeat of the earth
>The trees sang songs of silence and sadness
>On the wind, you could hear a single word
>H A T E
>"You know, I was talking to Rarity the other day and I heard you had a little fun with her in the showers," the pegasus continued, rubbing herself against your groin as she circled. "I didn't think you were into those kind of mares, big guy, but I hope you at least gave my sis a good time."
>You watched as Rainbow's mouth moved, but you couldn't hear a single word she said
>All you could see was her big mouth opening and closing, like a drying fish that was gasping for the air that would never come
>"I'm kinda wondering when you're gonna throw this girl a bit of cock too," Rainbow said. "I know, I know, you're probably just a bit nervous to ask somepony like ME to dirty dance, since I'm so awesome and all, but there's no need to be shy big guy. The Dash will give you a night to remember, you don't have to worry about that."
>Stopping in front of you, the pegasus winked, producing two tickets from under a wing

>"I'll tell you what, I got two tickets to some fancy-shmancy play up in Canterlot. Why don't I come over at like five and take you up there so we can have ourselves a little fun?" she offered, waving the tickets at you. "I'll take you out to dinner, you'll wear something nice, and at the end of the night I'd milk that cock of yours dry. How's that sound?"
>You tried to open your mouth to say something, but when you did no words came out
>Dash must have taken your silence as approval, because her smile widened just a hair
>"Great! I'll see you in a couple hours, hot stuff," she said, giving you a wink before brushing past you. "Make sure to get ready early huh? I don't want to wait around for you for half the night because you can't get your hair just how you like it."
>Rainbow then extended a wing and gave you a slap on the bottom
>This was a hard slap; the kind of slap that would have had you leaping into the air and yelping in any other case
>But your rage had you rooted to the earth like a tree
>It flowed through you, filled you to bursting
>You knew no fear, no hunger, no weariness
>At that moment, you weren't even human
>No...
>You had ascended
>Slowly, you looked over your shoulder at the retreating pegasus
>Your expression must have been death itself, because the ponies around you took a few hasty steps backward, some ponies even hiding behind their carts
>It took a few moments, but when you could finally get your mouth to work you spoke
"You fucked up."

~_~_~_~_~_~

>Be random garbage pone
>You were making your way around town, humming a little tune to yourself as you dumped any full garbage cans you found near the street into the cart you were pulling
>It was just a little after lunch time, and your shift was starting to wind down
>As you tossed a couple of garbage bags into your cart, you wondered what you'd do with the rest of your day, as well as what your stallion was going to make for supper tonight
>You hoped that it was carrot casserole, since you and your herd had been eating leftovers for the last three nigh--
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
>You very nealy jumped out of your horse shoes as the sound of very frantic, very angry screaming filled your ears
>Your head whipped to the side to see that Anonymous fella running at you at full hilt
>The hyoo-man's eyes were wild, and his features almost looked demonic
>Upon closer inspection, you noticed that he was carrying Rainbow Dash over his head
>Just like the hyoo-man, the pegasus was screaming her head off, a look of very real fear etched on her face
>you could see her wings flapping frantically, trying to get away, but Anon's grip around her barrel was absolute
>Ohbuckingshit
>Eyes widening, you desperately tried to unhitch yourself from your cart
>Stallion or not, you weren't stupid enough to stand in front of an angry giant
>You liked living, thank you very much
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
>"SOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEPPPPPPPOOOOONNNNNNNNYYYYYYYY HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
>When Anon was just a few feet away, you finally managed to unhook yourself
>Yelping, you hit the deck, covering your face with your hooves
>Anon, roaring like a Ursa Major, leaped over you, eyes glued to the one of the empty garbage cans you had just sat down a few moment's prior
>Just as his feet touched the earth, he reared back before sending Rainbow crashing down

>You lifted your head up just in time to see him throwing her face first into the trash can
>A mighty clang rang out, and the garbage can bent outward as the now twitching pegasus was forced inside of it
>...
>Okay then...
>Anon looked down at Rainbow for a second or two, before silently spinning around and going back the way that he came
>You watched him go, both confused and a little concerned
>Thankfully, after a few moments, you heard a voice come from the garbage can
>"So... was that... a no... to the date... then?"




~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Fluttershy


>Be Anon
>It was late at night, and after spending an hour or so looking at yourself in your bathroom mirror wondering about just how worthless it all was, you found yourself lying in your bed
>You had your covers pulled up to your neck, and you were staring up at your bedroom ceiling
>Unfortunately, it was too dark to see any cracks, but you passed the time imagining you were staring into the abyss
>And, like always, that motherfucker blinked
>You had just about been ready to close your eyes to try to sleep when you heard something
>It was very quiet, but you could hear something making its way up the stairs
>You immediately sat up
"Satan, is that you?" you called
>Whoever was making their way up your steps paused
>You cocked your head to the side
>It was probably one of the flower sisters again...
>Those horses always broke in on Mondays to steal your socks when they thought you were asleep...
>"U-Um, Anon? It's me, Fluttershy," someone called
>You frowned
"Fluttershy? Are you sure?" you asked
>"Y-Yes, it's Fluttershy. I promise."
>Hmm...
>It sounded like Flutters...
>But every dummy knew that demons, especially Satan, could change their voices
>And that red motherfucker wasn't getting you
>Not fucking today...
>"Can... Can I come up please?" "Fluttershy" asked
"What for?"
>There was another pause, and in the silence you could just make out the quiet flapping of wings
>A moment of two later, you could hear someone twisting the doorknob to your door
>You watched as you door opened, revealing a very nervous and non-demonized Fluttershy
>In the darkness, you could see the little horse shuffling in place, her wings twitching at her sides as she snuck glances at your face
>"I-I was wondering if I c-could s-s-sleep with you please," she muttered
>You looked the pegasus up and down, causing her to squirm even more
"And why do you want to do something like that?" you asked. "In fact, why did you break into my house in the first place?"

>Not that you really cared
>What was this tiny little bird horse gonna do?
>She had all the ferocity of a Canadian
>Fluttershy flinched, and she lifted her gaze from the floor to look at you
>"I didn't b-break into your home. I m-mean, I did, but not t-to do anything bad," she insisted, taking a few quick steps into the room. "I was just, um..."
"Just what?" you asked as she trailed off, trying to hold back a yawn.
>Flutter's looked back down at the floor
>"I was just, um..."
>She trailed off again, looking for all the world like she wanted to run for the door
>You resisted the urge to sigh
"Fluttershy, get your yellow fanny over here and speak up for Christ's sake," you said, motioning her over with a hand
>"U-Um, no thank you. I t-think I'll just--"
"I wasn't asking. Get your butt over here before I get out of this bed."
>With an 'eep!', Fluttershy scurried over to the side of your bed
"Good, now tell me why you broke into my house at--"
>Squinting, you looked at the clock hanging on the wall across the bedroom
"--two thirty in the morning?"
>Flutter's blue eyes snapped up to your face before they snapped right back to the floor
>"W-Well, I was t-thinking this morning a-about how hard it m-must be to you to sleep a-alone like this," she murmured. "I-I'm a mare, and I d-don't think I could stay in a b-big, lonely house like this a-all by myself..."
>After a minute or two, she finally worked up the courage to look at you
>"S-So, I t-t-thought that I'd ask you if y-you wanted me t-t-to keep you company tonight," she said, shimmering so badly that you could barely understand her. "If y-you want me t-to go that's f-fine. I'll understand."
>You said nothing, just staring down at her
>...
>You know...
>You probably should call the cops on this little horse, or at the very least throw her out...
>She DID just break into your house with the intent to do lord knows what to you...

>And it sure as hell didn't have anything to do with snuggling, you were sure about that...
>Your eyes narrowed
>You then let out a hum
"You know, coming here was pretty brave for you, Flutters," you said
>Fluttershy mumbled something under her breath, not daring to look you in the eye
>You scratched your chin, before grabbing one end of your blanket and tossing it off of you
"Come on. Get on up here before I change my mind."
>Almost immediately, Flutter's perked up
>"Really?" she asked
>You nodded, patting the empty space beside you
"Come on. Possible would-be rapist or not, I may as well humor you."
>Letting out a squeal, Flutter's hopped up into your bed
>You both had to shift around a little, you watching out for her twitching, flapping wings, but eventually you both found yourselves in relatively comfortable positions
>The little horse had her muzzle buried in the nape of your neck, one wing wrapped around you
>You had both of your arms wrapped around her barrel, both to keep her close and to give you the ability to throttle her if she WAS actually Satan here to steal your soul
>...Or whatever the hell Satan would steal from you
>The red fuck
>"I-Is this alright?" Flutters asked. "Are you c-comfortable?"
"As comfortable as I can be," you said, closing your eyes
>And you weren't lying either
>Demon, rapist, or whatever the hell Flutter's was, she was pretty damn warm and soft
>She almost smelled very faintly of vanilla
>This caused you to hold the mare a little closer
>She let out a coo, nuzzling your cheek as you closed your eyes
>This wasn't so bad you guessed...
>Sure, it was a little annoying that she had to do this when the night was almost over, but maybe you'd actually be able to get some sleep in what little night there was left...
>Sighing to yourself, you were about to let the inky blackness of sleep swallow you whole when you felt Fluttershy shift

>One of her hooves reached over, and before you could even guess what she was doing she gave your ass a little pat
>It was so soft that if you hadn't been lying in bed that you probably wouldn't even have noticed it
>But you did
>And because you did you found your eyes snapping open
>Letting go of Fluttershy, you sat up and looked down at the pegasus, who looked like she had just got caught with her hoof in the cookie jar
>She tried to open her mouth to say something, but it just morphed into another 'eep' as your eyes narrowed
"You fucked up."

~_~_~_~_~_~_~
>Be Fluttershy
>You were in Anon's livingroom
>It was very dark, and very quiet
>You were sitting in a box in the corner, and on your head was a dunce hat that had the words 'bad pony' on it
>After you had given the human's flank a little pat, he had carried you all the way down here, set you into the box, and told you you couldn't leave from the spot until the sun came up
>You, of course, only shook your head, not wanting to get in any more trouble than you already were
>...
>At least Anon put a pillow in the box and gave you a blanket so you could sleep...
>Frowning, you nuzzled yourself into your VERY uncomfortable bed
>You were going to have a stern talk with Rainbow tomorrow...
>T-The butt...