Drunkard Anon Chapter 2: Communists in the Fun House

>Progressing through the small town, for the second time, not as fun as the first
>Ponies are sneering at you, insults flying your way, grannies giving you the stink eye
>Well fuck you too
>Eventually the walk through town ends as you enter a gigantic tree in the center of town, inside are two regal looking ponies with golden armor
>They're looking with grim determination not to break their visage, but they look uneasy as you tower over them
>They're only up to your waist, so that puts you at an advantage for intimidation factor
>"Are you Anonymous"
In the flesh
>"Very well, we are here to take an official report to aid the one taken by Twilight Sparkle, let's begin"
As you wish
>The questions are simple, age, height, weight, species, gender, name, and as they continue they get to the beginning
>"And then you threw Rainbow Dash?"
Yessir, in self defense of myself and others
>"I'll take it"
>The interview progressed further and further
>"So then you restrained her again, for self defense?"
Yessir
>The pony shuffles his papers on the desk and places them in his saddle bag
>"You will have to meet at Ponyville police station two days from now to see if you will be charged with any crime, as it stands now it has to be reviewed"
I thank you for your time
>You follow him out the room and out the door
>"And I thank you for complying, good day"
>They leave the tree, leaving you alone with the group of ponies.
So...

1/x

>Awkward silence fills the room
>"Well... Now that that's over with, I guess everyp-ny can go now" Twilight says
>You begin to leave, "But anon, could you stay a little bit longer"
I guess
>All the other ponies take their leave, leaving you with only Twilight, Spike, and some Owl thing that won't stop staring at you
>"So... Anonymous, you say you woke up in a field"
Mmmhmm
>"And... You didn't know where ponies were or where you were"
Yep
>"And you're not in any books that I know of and nobody has ever seen you before"
While I'm young Twilight...
>"I'm just curious at all, where you came from, ho you got her-"
Look, I'll tell you, but after I do I'm getting out of here
>She levitates a quill and paper and gets ready

2/x

Where I come from, ponies like you don't exist... Well... they do, except they aren't ponies like you are
>"Could you explain that"
Ponies where I'm from are longer faced, usually only a few colors such as brown, white, tan, they don't ever have wings, and they don't have horns
>"Interesting..."
And what you're doing now? Magic? That doesn't exist.
>She loses concentration and drops the paper and quill
>"Magic doesn't exist where you're from, how could that even be possi-"
We do everything ponies do either by hand
>You raise your hand
Or by using combustion
>"You mean fire?"
Yes like fire. It started with steam engines, like I've seen you've had railroad tracks here, and then it advanced to combustion engines
>"Could you explain?"
A fuel air mixture is pressurized and combusted, sending a piston flying and through a process of gears and shafts and all that nonsense, it makes a wheel turn
>"I see"
So we basically made anything and everything, vehicles, space craft, boats, racing vehicles, aircraft, everything
>"D-did you say, Space craft?"
Yes, we've been to the moon and back, without magic
>The smile on her face looks like it hurts
But...
>Her smile drops

3/x

Humans are not without violence and war, technologies of the old including bows, spear, axes, hammers, swords, advanced to crossbows, muskets, and more
>She begins to frown
>You pull out your .357
This? This fires a burning hot piece of lead at over the speed of sound, we call this, a revolver
>You see in her eyes
>Fear
Humans advanced warfare from muskets, to rifles such as the Sharps rifle, to automatic weapons
>"Automatic?"
The fastest weapon we have fires over 1 million rounds in under a minute, and the fastest weapon speeds at over 4,5000 meters per second, so fast that the projectile it fires melts and catches fire to the air around it
>"How is that even..."
Humans have used these weapons to do horrible things, genocide, murder, there are at least 5 wars going on every year that humans are living. Seventy years ago 60 million people died in one of our World Wars
>"But why... Why would you do it?"
That, I cannot answer
>You fumble around in your pocket and pull out a cigarette and a lighter, special occasions only.

4/x

>You put it in your mouth and light, taking a long drag of the cigarette, smoke filling your mouth, flowing out of your nose, causing Twilight to gag a little bit
We have bombs, bombs that can incinerate those within 50 miles and cause damage to millions
>Another drag
Warfare is human nature... You've got something I want? What's to stop me from breaking down your door and stealing it? If I am stronger, if I am willing, I could set fire to the world, so what stops me
>You stare into her eyes
>...and take another drag
That is all you will ever need to know about humans, some have everything, some have nothing, go with the flow and you probably won't get killed, that's what I say
>You stand up
>Open the door
>And walk away
>"Anon! Wait!"
>You're already gone

5/5

>The day progressed and zipping through town you chatted with as many people as you could
>Eventually you arrived in a random area in town, Sweetie Belle outside of a carousel building
>"Hi anon! I'm sorry about what happened with you and my sister" she says scrunching up her face
It wasn't your fault, whatcha meen up to?
>"Ooh! I've been trying magic tricks, you wanna see?"
Sure!
>She pulls out a deck of cards, "Now choose a card and don't show me"
>You do as she says
>"Now put it back in"
>You comply
>She shuffles the deck a bit and it combusts into flames
>She throws it and emits a shriek, the door behind her slams open and surprise suprise, white bitch is here
>"SWEETIE BELLE, INSIDE, NOW!" she shouts
>"But Rarit-"
>"NO BUTS, INSIDE, NOW"
>Sweetie Belle complies and walks into the house, while White bitch comes up to you
>"I know what you're after, and you're not getting it"
Look Rarity, I
>"NO YOU LOOK! You aren't going to corrupt Sweetie Belle" she's grinding her teeth, "And further more you're not going to corrupt my friends!"
>She's really flank flustered isn't she
>"And further more, you're not going to have your way with Sweetie Belle!"
Y'know, I don't want to fuck a horse, I wouldn't fuck you, and I'm not trying to corrupt Sweetie Belle. I'm not here to argue, so you can continue to dress and act like a whore but I won't have anything to deal with it, I hope you haven't corrupted Sweetie Belle, but who knows.
>She's pink
>She's literally red with anger
>And you're just walking away

1/x

>"Why I'd never in ALL MY LIFE have met such a barbaric filthy ogre who has no respect for anyp0ny else..." she says as she follows you
If you follow me you're going to regret it
>"Oh what are you going to do? Kill me? You'll have guards all over you!"
>You unsheath your pepper spray pouch, turn around, and spray her right in the face with a jet of 15% concentration spray
>As she's gagging, tearing up and mucusing all over the place, you continue to walk away
>You've been hit with it before, not fun in the slightest, It's not so much the pain as it is the reaction, at least, for you it was
>Milk helps, barely, pour it on your eyes and it removes some of the sting, but you aren't going to be having full vision any time soon
>Luckily within an hour it usually stops stinging, for her that is
>You're already far away before anyone notices she's gagging in the middle of the street
>She's going to be stained orange for a while, but who cares, not your problem
>Eventually you get bored of walking around town and take to the forest a second time, setting up camp deeper this time, shooting another rabbit with a pellet gun, and roasting it
>You're going to need some fat in your diet soon or you're going to die of brain rot
>This time you eat the brain as well, better than nothing
>You doze off into a deep sleep

2/x

>As you awake, the sun is shining brightly through the crack in the shelter, you emerge to the baking heat, checking your watch finding it to be 1307
>It's time to see the police again
>Packing everything up, devouring the rest of the rabbit, and heading into town, you head to town center
>As you arrive, you notice a big building with the sign, "Ponyville Police station"
>Entering, the unicorn nods to the room on the left, inside are two guards
Hello there
>"Hello to you too anonymous, good news! There are no charges being pressed against you, and you are free to go
Sweet, thanks
>As you depart, a glimmer of light catches your eye
>A chariot is flying downwards into Ponyville, going straight towards you
>Nope.jpg.tiff.exe.png.avi.swf.flv.psd.pbo
>Taking off in a sprint, you leave them in the dust, weaving through alleys and yards, eventually making it outside of the town and deep into the forest
>SSSSSSSSSSSSSTPOP
>You turn and face... Twilight?
>"Anon, the princess wants to see you, you HAVE to go"
If the princess wants to see me she needs to make an appointment and come to my place of business, please leave a message after the beep, beep
>"Seriously Anon this isn't funny, if you don't come she's going to send guards"
And I will beat the everliving hell out of them, your point?
>"I highly doubt you could take on 50 guards on your own"
>You pull out of your EDC an impulse purchase after a few riots back home
>A clear out tear gas grenade, you were immune to the stuff from previous exposures, but ponies sure weren't
Tell them to come down here, send as many guards as they want, I'm not going anywhere
>"You know what? You want to play it that way? Fine. I'll send a message telling them you're here. Let's see who wins hmm?"
>And in an instant she's off
>You begin to prepare

3/x

>Paracord woven into nets to keep people from coming from above, tripwires, foot traps, snares, all of it perfectly in place
>And for the grand finale, you've got your clear out grenade in your hands, and a makeshift mask of goggles and a wet wrag tied to your face
>Now begins the waiting game

4/4

>Eventually the sound of flapping wings rose you to action
>Securing the mask and rewetting it, you watched as the guards flew down and tangled themselves in the snares and traps
>It was kinda sad, seeing as what seems to be the best of the best get upstaged by a bit of rope
>Eventually they tried a different approach, going through the front, several tripped and got caught in snares, but as soon as they got two the final layer, you pulled the pin
>Tear gas spewed out of the canister, filling the air with thick white smoke that caused your eyes to burn and your face to turn red
>The ponies, they didn't fare and better, they started into coughing and sneezing fits, their eyes watering and their noses leeking thick
>The smoke choked them, so much that several had to be dragged out by the others
>Success is inevitable
>The immunity you had was fair enough, your body barely reacted to the noxious gas spewed from the canister, previous exposure was worth while
>Eventially the guards cleared out, fearing they would be exposed to more of the gas, leaving you alone in your traps
>You secured a thick paracord netting all around your camp, all five sides covered, laid your tent down, and laid to rest as the sun began to set

1/x

>Eventually rising to the tone of the wrist watch alarm, you looked out and saw no guards had came to you in your sleep
>Had they just given up?
>Was this country really so lacking in defense that their soldiers will just quit at the first sign of difficulty?
>Jesus, ponies must have a treaty or something with other creatures, there's no way they could hold their own in battle.
>Suddenly, the sound of wings flapping
>But this time, it was few and close together
>Scouting teams?
>You looked up to find two pegasi guards towing something white
>Wait is that
>That's a gigantic pony
>Jesus that horn... They mean business
>You rose, collapsing the tent and waiting for the inevitable
>You're going to have to deal with that thing
>Hopefully it doesn't decide to spear you before you can talk it out

2/x

>Eventually the ponies lower the chariot and the regal looking white pony steps out
>Is that a crown?
>Well shit, Princess Celestia did come to you, just as you said she'd have to
>She examined you, head to toe, getting a good look of all your features
>It was a neutral look, hard to determine what she was feeling, but eventually it loosened and she smiled at you
>Your frown only grew larger
>"So this is the Anonymous I've heard so much about... Making trouble, assaulting the elements of harmony, killing one of Equestria's creatures, and incapacitating an entire platoon of the royal guard..."
In the flesh, your majesty
>She began to stare again
>It wasn't really a stare of hatred, neutral as always
>She had the best poker face of all time, that's for sure
I don't have all day...
>"Yes, but I have all of eternity"
...
>"...how's about we talk this over at lunch, I know a great place for food here in Ponyville, the Cake's bakery is always a pleasant experience"
I'd rather we not
>Suddenly a glow of light enveloped the paracord, ripping it into pieces
>"Come on, It'll be fun"
Fine...

3/x

>You trailed behind her, far enough to run away if you needed, but close enough to still be following her. Around 30 feet, making sure you had enough time to draw your handgun if the need would arise
>Eventually you arrived in town, entering a small bakery that appeared to be made of candy itself
>Inside was food of all kinds, cakes, cupcakes, and beverages
>Oh hell yeah they had beverag-
>This is not the time for that
>She lead you to a small table, caterers quickly arriving with tea, which you wouldn't accept, cakes, which you wouldn't accept, and appetizers, which you wouldn't accept.
>All was silent for a long time
>"So does your species not have the ability to eat or are you just not hungr?"
I don't trust you
>"...I see"
>The awkward silence continued as she sipped her tea quietly, your eyes conceiled by a pair of shades so nobody could see your roaming eyes
>You look at her, around the height of yourself, horn that could double as a Shishkebab, hair waving even though the room wasn't drafty, eyes a nice shade of pink, adorned with jewelery of all kind
Can I go now
>"But you've only just arrived..."
I didn't essentially want to come here in the first place
>Silence filled the room again

4/x

>She seems nervous, like she's unsure of how to continue this conversation, fidgeting a little bit in her seat
If you want me to talk I'll talk, I hold no shame of what I've done in my life
>Her ears perk up
Came here by some strange means after a bar fight, went into town, got attacked by two of the elements, met yellow quiet, met Twilight, met the police, killed a big cat stalking me, got cleared of charges, and incapacitated your guards. That's all that happened.
>She's looking with deep concentration, as if trying to peer into your mind
If you're trying to read my mind you aren't going to have much success
>"I can see... Twilight mentioned things... Horrible things of your homeland in her report... Care to explain?"
Humans are greedy, humans are morally bankrupt, that's all you need to know
>"It appears you have morals, to say the bare minimum"
That's because I was raised with a spine, raised with a moral guidebook that said don't get into fights you can't win, don't hit old people, don't hit women unless in self defense, don't hit kids. Doesn't mean I'm not able to do terrible things
>"As far as I'm concered, you don't seem too bad"
>She looks behind you, your eyes following, seeing outside of the window at the huge crowd of ponies outside the shop
>"Let's take this to somewhere more private, shall we?"
If we have too...

5/5

>She calls a chariot, flying down and picking both of you up and taking off into the sky
>The ride is silent, heading towards what seems to be a city made of white washed stone
>Landing at a platform based on the edge of the cliff, both of you dismount and head onto the path
>Guards accompany you at the sides, rear, and one ahead, blue hair, neat
>"Lead the way Shining armor" Celestia says
>Hmm, he has a similar mark on his side to Twilight
Hey Shining, you know of any Twilight Sparkle
>"Heck yeah! She's my sister man!" he says enthusiastically
She's a little bit uptight, not too much but a little bit
>"I know what you mean, everything always had to be organized, nothing on the floor, books aligned perfectly"
Heheh, yeah
>Eventually the trip took a turn and lead to a large door with guards at its side, which then opened
Here we go...

1/x

>You pulled out a cigarette, as good a time as ever, rolled em yourself, then took your cheapo bic and lit the end, inhaling the aroma and calming your nerves
>"Err, Anonymous, what is that you're holding?" Celestia questions
A cigarette?
>"It smells repugnant, why would you be inhaling it?"
It's got nicotine, calms my nerves... Never heard of Tobacco?
>"Well, I have seen it used before in a much lesser extent, used on farms nowadays by the older ponies, but it was usually smoked from a pipe..."
Well, carrying around a pipe and a wad of tobacco became a bit of a hassle, instead it came in a small box like this
>You hold up the box, filled with your own rolled cigarettes but using the same container
This way it could be mass-produced and shared, people will often bum a cig off of you every once in a while.
>"I see..."
>By now the walk has progressed well into this whitewashed castle, and up ahead, another pair of double doors flanked by even more guards.

2/x

>The door is opened again magically, leading to two thrones, both empty
>"Usually on matters such as a new species Princess Luna would be attending, but she's asleep at the moment and may speak to you later at night or in a letter"
I understand
>You are stopped alongside with the guards, who walk out the room as Celestia progressed to the throne
>"Now, I've gotten many a word from news sources, but over time I've learned they stretch the truth to get a reaction from people, be it for their opinion to change, or political shift, so I must take an independent study to deem what is correct"
I understand, works the same way where I'm from.
>"So, what I understand you're Human"
Yep
>"Come from a world of horror and violence"
Yes mam
>"Managed to incapacitate and entire group of guards with just traps and a noxious gas"
Right on the money
>"And killed a large animal that could've ripped you to shreds with one go"
And your point is?
>Her hoof goes to her face

3/x

>"Anonymous how can you expect me to see the good in you when all you've done is bad?"
Have I hurt any ponies
>"I don't see how that's even val-"
Have I hurt ANY ponies at all since I've came here, like permanently, scarred, killed, maimed
>"No... but you di-"
Then why do you believe I'm a threat? I will only hurt those who seek to hurt others and myself. I will protect myself when the situation arises
>"I see your reasoning then"
We put it in a phrase, 'Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, blood for blood, you hurt my children I hurt yours"
>"That sounds awful..."
Tell me about it, I'm not going to kick your child in the face because you kicked my child in the face, but I will seek revenge on you
>"Couldn't you just, I dunno, call the guard?"
That's part of getting revenge, otherwise you use strength
>"I see"

4/x

>"Tell me about your world"
Why does everyone ask this... Fine
>You go into detail, just what you told Twilight, Celestia's regular smile is broken as she begins looking sadder and sadder with every sentence
>She's probably never seen anything as atrocious as people stuffing children with grenades
>Or the holocaust
>Or getting a worm in your apple
>But never the less, you tell her
>By the end of the session she's a bit unhinged looking, staring at you with a worried expression
>"So, you live in a world your whole life like that"
Yes
>"And you've not mass-murdered any ponies, shot them, stabbed them, or anything?"
Pretty much
>"Anonymous, I don't think you're a threat to anyone, so tell you what. I'll give you housing in Ponyville, free of charge, and give you a monthly stipend of money to get you situated"
How much we talking about
>"Two hundred bits"
Ya, no. I'm not going to drain the tax systems of Equestria just by showing up, I'll accept a one time payment and the house I suppose, but nothing else.
>"This is the first time I've ever heard anyone REFUSE money..."
Yep, because back in my world people would abuse it, they'd be getting government money for being, 'Poor' but then go blow any money they do own on expensive stuff, or use food stamps to buy lobster. That's not fair
>"I understand"

5/x

>"If you wish, I'll send you home now"
Might as well
>Her horn lights up and suddenly two guards open the door, Shining armor and another one
>"You rang princess?" Shining says bowing
>"Yes, escort anonymous to a chariot, he'll be heading for Ponyville" she says with a genuine smile
>"As you wish your majesty, come on Anonymous"
>You follow him out the door, into the carriage, and take off
>Life might not be total shit after all.

6/6