Unnamed Dadonequus

>be Anon E. Moose

"So what if I'm Canadian, huh?"
>How dare they insult you based on your nationality!
>"No such thing as a Canadian. You're just a feral Frenchie."
>"Faggot."

>The laughter of two men reverbrates into your ears through the voice coil of your headset.
>You stare at your screen, trying to come up with something witty.
>People like you more when you act smarter than you are.
>R-right?...

"I-I'm English! I-I'd rather die than be one of those disgusting four-legged abominations that are the French!"

>The echo of voices mocking you multiplies, as more people join in on the fun.
>You knew you shouldn't have joined this damn server.

>"That doesn't make you any better than them, fag."
>"Ha, this leaf's in denial!"
>"Oof, ouch, owie, they hurt my pride with their meanie insults!"

>You hear people making spitting noises, laughter, and other generally kindergarten-tier stuff.
>It is admittedly pretty funny, though.
>So you start laughing with them.

>Being sure to press your push-to-talk pedal, too.
>Your own greatest invention, a racing pedal re-wired to function as a push-to-talk key.
>Ever since you made this thing you didn't have to dedicate a finger to activating your mic.

>Those open mic and voice activated plebs, ha.

>The second the afterglow passes, you notice something.
>Two yellow dots, reflecting off of the gloss of one of your monitors.
>Quite big ones, too.
>You take off one half of the headset and slowly turn around in your chair.

>Just to meet the two yellow dots, flying in thin air, staring right at you, like two snake eyes.
>Hm.
>Right, Anon.
>You're gonna try talking to it.

"What the hell are you?"
>"Don't 'what the hell are you' me."
>The voice appears to come from everywhere at the same time.
>But the dots stay there, unmoving, following your darting eyes, as if they're actually in your eyes.
>Like two extremely dark floaties.
>But not really.

"I can't not 'what the hell are you' you."

>You hear mumbles in one of your ears.
>"Where the fuck are you, leaf?"

>"You sure do have some loud friends there, Anon."

"I guess I do."
>You take off your headphones.
>Well.

"So what the actual hell is happening?"
>How are you not even surprised?
>You're acting like this kind of thing is normal.
>Your face doesn't wanna move, at all.
>Neither do you want to recoil in horror.
>Even though your brain is freaking out.

>The big yellow dots become a pair of eyes, coupled with red irises.
>A head appears starting with big, fluffy eyebrows, and continues down into a long, horse-like neck with a trimmed black mane.
>Then it starts becoming a mishmash of other things, with different limbs belonging to entirely unrelated animals.

>Seems like the whole creature is now visible, and well...
>It's not that bad, kinda?...

>Still weird.

>"Right."
>The creature crosses its arms.
>"Anon."
"Um, yes?"
>"We need to talk for a bit."
>It stretches one of its arms out.
>Wait.
>D-did that arm just pass through the other one?
>It snaps its fingers before you could say "What?" for what seems like the thousandth time today.

>Darkness hits you in the eyes.
>A sonic boom blows your ears out.

>And a second later it all disappears, leaving nothing behind.
>You see stars.
>A sky dotted with little white spots, like a wall after a sloppy paintjob.
>Inbetween them, skimpy blobs of earth, floating in mid-air.

>And the creature.
>Also floating, seemingly the same as the islands, with it's little legs tucked under it's unproportionally long belly.

>Staring at you, bored, waiting for your consciousness to come back.
>"Ah."
>It assumes a friendly grin once again.
>"You've alive. Good."
>Your eyebrows shoot up.

>Was there a chance of that not being the result?!
>You want to open your mouth, but something's preventing you from doing that.
>The muscles around your mouth just refuse to move.

>"I have a proposition for you. One that you simply cannot refuse."
>Its eyes light up, and cheeks puffen up a bit, as if it's trying hard not to laugh.
>"Though I'd be surprised if you were to."

>It inhales deeply before continuing.
>"You will partake in an, hm, adventure. With me."
>It points at itself with its sharp talons.
>"Just for a couple of months, maybe even less, if you'll do a good job."
>It glances you over up and down.

>"So, what do you think? Any objections?"

>Actually, yeah.
>A couple.

>You try raising your hand.
>Doesn't budge.
>You try wiggling your body.
>Not listening.

>Ah, whatever.
>It can't be that bad.

>"That's what I thought. Let's get you ready."

>It snaps its talons again.
>Darkness.
>Sonic boom.
>Urgh.
>You could get used to this, probably.

>"Time for us to meet properly."
>You open your eyes.
>The creature, in a top hat and a severely undersized tuxedo, enthusiastically shakes your hand.
>Though you feel your hand moving by itself, rather than the thing's paw's tight grip shaking it.
>You're trippin', dude.
>Those shrooms you ate last night definitely weren't any good for you.

>"I am Discord, the spirit of Chaos, master of Disorder, blah-blah-blah..."
>Yeah.
>Definitely.
>It's the shrooms.

>"And you, I presume, are..."
>A long scroll with a list of names poofs into existence right between your faces.
>"Hm..."
"You've had so many candidates for this?"
>There's like seventy people on the list.
>You can't tell if those are names or just scribbles.
>You imagine Discord's handwriting would be awful.

>Well.
>'Cause he doesn't really have hands, does he.
>Just a paw and a...
>Bird toe?
>What do you even call that thing?
>Must be like a griffon's hand.

>Yeah.
>Must be that.
>Griffons are ought to exist in this place, right?

>"Ah, yes."
>You shift your attention back to Discord.
>The scroll disappears, leaving you two staring at each other rather awkwardly.
>"Anonymous."

"But my name isn't--"
>"No, no, nonono."
>A paw just like his holds your lips shut.
>Even though his own right arm is still in the same position it was in just a second ago, holding his chin.
>"Your name is now Anonymous."
>You hear clapping of an entire concert hall worth of people coming from somewhere, while Discord shakes your hand yet again.

>...

>You never thought you could fuck yourself up this badly.