When you’re on your way and you read something mildly funny,
Sensible chuckle,

Are you out,
Yeah,
Always out,
Where are you headed,
Death is the ultimate destination,
But we all make stops along the way,

Iron man,
Iron man, pro max,

Me playing mario kart,
The banana i threw during the previous lap,

Werewolf,
Where wolf,
Wear wolf,
Aware wolf,
She doesn’t like you back,

When your kids get hepatitis b instead of hepatitis a plus,

When you’re a woman living in the 1600s and you accidentally do math,
The townsfolk,

Mom, can i go see my g f,
No,
But why,
Chores before whores,
Mom,
Dishes before beaches,
Mom, why are you like this,
Cutting grass before getting as,

One white pixel,
Dark mode users,

When you introduce your antisocial friends to each other,
Something’s wrong, they’re communicating,

A gamer for president, 2020,
You can not have a sex scandal if you have never had sex,
Weebs, i like this one,

Parents, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to,
Me, alright, i’m not coming then,
Parents,

A cop pulled me over and said, papers,
I said, scissors, i win,
And he shot me 73 times,

Skeleton,
Sksksk,
Eleeleele,
Tontonton,
Skton,
Eeeeeee,
Elesk,
Skelen,
Skellen,

Introverts when they get the wrong order and the waiter asks if everything is to their liking,
Well no, but actually yes,

Third grade friend, what starts with f and ends with u c k,
Third grade grade me, i don’t know, frick,
Friend, what no it’s firetruck i’m telling on you,
Me,
They played us like a dang fiddle,

Fire, air, water, earth,
Pasta,

What do you usually listen to,
electronic music,
What’s that,

Fashion art,
Fashion fart,

I just foiled your plan,

Halloween 2019,

I bone my dog,
You what,

All my friends secretly hate me and only interacts with me out of pity or moral obligation,
You can’t change my mind,

Pornhub ad, hot single moms only 3 kilometers away,
Pornhub ad, 2 kilometers,
Pornhub ad, 1 kilometer,
Mom, enters room, honey i’m home,
Hold up,

Honey, we have guests over, go get the fancy plates,
The fancy plates,

Me, immune system, why do i have a fever,
Immune system, oh, because infections can’t survive very long above 38 degrees celsius,
Me, okay but i can’t survive above 38 degrees celsius for very long as well,
Immune system,

Sorry mister wilson, i can’t come to school today,
Why,
I’ve got ligma,
What’s ligma,
Ligma balls,
About to make a terrible decision,

If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive, they’d eventually find me attractive,
Ooh, self burn, those are rare,

When you jokingly flirt with her and she flirts back,
I deadas don’t know how to respond,

Today i learned thomas edison would give potential employees a bowl of soup during the interview, if they salted or peppered the soup before tasting it they wouldn’t get the job,
This was to test whether the employees had analytical minds and didn’t make assumptions,
Thomas edison was also a huge beach,

I love all 5 of my followers t b h,
5 notes,
The gangs all here,

I can’t believe i’m seeing so many people in twitter excited over disney plus, why can’t you promote piracy like us normal people,

Today i learned that because of a mistranslation jimmy carter told the polish people in 1977 that he desired them carnally and that he had left the united states to never return,
Imagine being a polish citizen and you hear the american president say he’s here to frick and he’s not leaving,

Hi gramps, i’m in my italian 101 class right now until 7, i’m glad you got my letter and i excitedly await your response, is texting hard,
My dear only life is hard,
My grandpa texted for the first time in his life today and he spit straight wisdom out of the keyboard,

When you forget there’s homework due tomorrow,
Russian,
Finnish,
All this time i thought this was a joke about changing nationalities so you won’t have to do your work,
I was wrong,

Today i learned that a cat once co-authored a physics paper,
In 1975, a physicist had just finished writing a paper and was ready to publish but realized that he had used we instead of i throughout, despite being the sole author,
Not wanting to edit the paper, he listed his cat, chester, as a co-author,
This is the cat by the way,

Brownish may be an uncelebrated eye color, but on the bright side, they turn yellow in sunlight,
Can you please stop being a fanfiction character, for one day, i’m begging you,
And they turn violet when i’m sad and play bagpipe music from tiny speakers when i am horny,

Trying to decide on a title for my english essay,
Utopia, more like unopeia,
That works,
I just got it back today,
Nice,
Mission accomplished,

I love the sanders gang,
Bernie, who wants to fix the country,
Thomas, who makes us laugh and smile,
Colonel, who makes some dang nice chicken,
The father, the son and the finger-licking spirit,

Annoying as nerd guys after suicide squad came out, ugh every girl is gonna be harley quinn for halloween now how basic,
Annoying as nerd guys after seeing the joker,

Yesterday at f y e i bought a plushie and dude didn’t give me a bag just the boy and a receipt and i was like, hey bro can you give me a bag i really don’t wanna be carrying this around the mall, and he was like, why are you ashamed to carry him,
Why are you ashamed of your son,

Just one, actually,
How many scientists does it take to build a time machine,
Either no one’s got this joke yet or people refuse to give me notes,

Secondhand embarrassment is pure agony and i wish a lot of comedy didn’t rely on it,
I can not deal with it, i literally leave the room,
It’s a sign of being extremely empathetic,
Thanks, i hate it, how do i uninstall,

For school they want me to find a personality test for myself,
I’m choosing, are you a vsco girl, an e girl, a soft girl, a mixture, or none,
I wish my school had fun assignments,
Babes, this is not what they wanted and my grade will reflect that,

It’s only a matter of time until someone uses a drone to kidnap a child,
Reverse stork,
High quality addition to the post,

I can’t wait to get to the afterlife and be like, well that was horrible, and god to be like, but it was so fun to watch,
You get to the afterlife and god has youtube open with a video titled your life epic cringe compilation up and it’s like a year long,
Only a year,

I’ve got, 99 total followers, and, a beach ain’t one,
This has more notes than i ever hoped for and i still only have 99 followers,

Where’s that pic of the dog who looks like an egg, this is important,
Here you go,
Not the right dog,
I’ve changed my mind actually, i am learning to love this dog,

I heard there are now genders, is that true,
Nope,
I like how this picture wasn’t large enough to fit the caption so they just stretched out some grass,

F b i agent trying to intimidate activist in the fifties, we know all about your perverted sex life, unless you stop your agitation, we will expose to the public all the disgusting, perverted sexual fantasies you engage in, such as, checks notes, exhibitions,
Ahhh frick god dang it,

Anyways here’s wonderwall,
Why is your ukulele so big,
I feed it well,

That’s just the way the pussy crumbles,
Please see a gynecologist,

Why do people freak out when they see a part of my bra or my stomach like what did you think was under my shirt, a tank, the great wall of china, popular korean artist park jae sang also known as p s y,

If you double saved before exiting a game as a kid you have anxiety now,
Don’t call me out like this,
True,

So i was looking through my old year books in my school and saw this,
Most likely to have a million pounds and lose it, tom felton,
You went to the same school as tom felton and you didn’t know,

Farting and pooping be like, peeop poo foopff blofrp poomp,
This image is difficult, there’s a lot of critical depth here,

After spending all day considering getting mario kart 8, i went to burger king for dinner and to my surprise found this onion ring,
Not only is it shaped like an 8, but it was the only onion ring in my bag since i ordered fries, but i took this as a sign and bought the game immediately after,

Peperony and chease,
Cheece,
Throw some slommy on that bad buoy,
I’m going to throw up,

Welcome to my yeet and greet,
I say hello and then i throw you across the room,

Today i learned a liger, lion/tiger crossbreed, can get up to 800 pounds and 6 feet long,
That makes it as big as any prehistoric cat fossil ever found,
Also bred for it’s skills in magic,
I’m sorry also bred for its what,
Magic cat,

Upcycled an old handbag into toddler shoes, pattern, twig and tale wayfarer shoes,
No what you did is make it look like your kid is gonna ask me please sir may i have some more,
This kid tried to sell me a newspaper, he’s got a flat cap with burn marks on it, he watches other kids at the candy store and cries because he dropped his only tuppence into the storm drain,

Y’all might not remember but winnie the pooh kept a strap at all times,
Winnie’s strapped,
Where’d a stuffed bear get a bloody shotgun,
From the u s constitution beach,

Humaine awake me with sneeze, rude,
Solutione, loaf upon the humaine chest,
If humaine cannot breathe, humaine cannot sneeze,
Emergeoncy, plan backfired in way i’m could not possibly have predicted, humaine sneeze directly upon me, worst,

Tough guy voice, you best be lovin yourself,
Equally tough voice, yeah, whatcha gonna do about it huh,
Them’s huggin words,

Weddings are crazy expensive, me and my s/o will just have an ancient blood ritual in the woods at 3 a m,
The moon herself is going to join our hands in marriage, it’s called intimacy,