Some thoughts on getting partner

So today I got partner. I applied 24 days ago, and finally got a reply, hooray! I was laying in bed when I got the email notification, and I was a little overcome with emotion. I felt on the verge of being very emotional, but in the end, I was mostly shocked and surprised, and wasn't really relieved or happy or anything. Throughout my life, I've sort of been conditioned and made to be mostly emotionally numb, and I don't find myself getting too satisfied from accomplishment, whenever it comes my way. This is sometimes good, and usually, bad. At SGDQ I lost access to my phone, but due to me being very emotionally numb, I was never upset, or stressed, or sad at all, I was just very very focused on fixing my phone, and just had all of these thoughts on problem solving going through my head, and never once did I truly have a normal emotional effect like most people seem to have.

Today after getting partner, I heard from some folks that they were proud, I heard that I had "worked hard", and I heard many people say they were surprised I hadn't gotten partner sooner. This equates to one mindset, where, if you work hard as a streamer, you will get partner. That...is not the case. I worked very hard, and grinded myself to exhaustion in February, but that doesn't mean it was "enough". Getting partner is in many cases, all about luck. Getting partner isn't necessarily about working hard, or being entertaining. Getting partner is about viewer numbers. I can have people satisfied with my stream, entertained, and I can be consistent, but that simply is not enough if I did not get the numbers Twitch wanted. Twitch says they want a 75 viewer average for partner. What that means, is that if I don't play Breath of the Wild, I will not meet their expectations. I only get numbers close to 75 if I'm playing BotW, so if I am not playing that game frequently, I basically have NO chance at partner. I have had 3 seasons of interest with BotW. Spring '17. Summer '17, and then Winter 17-18. There were many weeks last year that I streamed consistent, and entertained, and put in the "work", however due to BotW not boosting my numbers, it wasn't enough for Twitch. This, combined with my emotional numbness, makes it very hard to feel proud, or satisfied, about getting partner. In February, I resolved to get world record in BotW any%. I failed, and got burned out, but I put in the work, and streamed and grinded a ton for that month to try my hand at WR. The only reason I got partner is because I attempted to become addicted to a game that would boost my numbers in February, and succeeded. I grinded BotW and streamed for an extremely unhealthy amount of hours in an effort to get World Record, and farm views to get numbers Twitch wanted.

I put in a lot of work to get Partner, by doing extremely long streams in February and only taking one day off the entire month. But regardless...I could have done that same amount of effort, been short of Twitch's expectations, and not gotten partner. The fact that I put in tons of work, and could have not been recognized, is what stops me from feeling proud about getting partner. It's not that I worked hard...It's that I worked hard and got lucky with view counts.

I don't like that.

It's thanks to people's help, with hosts from Linkus, Zant, and Trihex, that my numbers when I applied were near 75, and that is pure luck. If I had not gotten those boosts...if I had taken more days off, if so many small things had gone different...I could very well NOT have partner right now. And it doesn't feel like I achieved anything for that reason. The qualifications I met were arbitrary, and dependent on luck and unhealthy work ethics, and not on me being an upstanding streamer. And for that reason...I don't feel very proud, or happy right now. That's why I feel that way. I could have done the same exact thing, and not gotten this "result" of partner.

With streaming, and speedruns, I am very used to working hard, and failing. Despite making BotW any% my 24/7 focus for the month of February, I failed to get WR. That's okay! But I don't exist, and live in an environment where working "hard" nets a result. Trying my best in BotW failed me. I could have VERY easily failed Partner-wise as well. And so it doesn't feel like achievement when I could see me having failed. I could very easily see me having grinded for February, have high viewer counts, and still get denied by Twitch. It doesn't make sense to get denied, or accepted basically. It's weird.