jokes 032415

I recently started learning alchemy. So far I can make 20 dollars turn into pot and then I can make pot turn into losing my car keys. I can also turn a stupid comment into a 3 hour argument with my girlfriend. Alchemy! Anybody have a six pack of beer they need turned into a DUI? Just ask the master alchemist!

I’m putting off having children until I’m certain that dogs won’t learn to talk within my lifetime. Because if my dog could talk, why would I ever need to have children? Dogs would say funny enough shit. I hope cat learn to talk to, just so it can be revealed to the world that they're not coy and pensive, like they want you to believe, but they are in fact just incredibly socially awkward. I'm just jealous though because it doesn't work when I try it, and I think it's because always open my mouth and reveal my social ineptitude.

I hope I win the lottery soon. I mean, I don’t play it or anything but I still think I should win. I would do one of those lottery pools at work but nobody has the initiative to start one up. I’m not going to start one because I’m worried that my first act as a millionaire super villain would be to not share with everyone else in the lottery pool. I need someone else to run that shit, because I can not be trusted. I’m like Gandalf and the lottery is like the one ring, and my co-workers are hobbits, which makes sense because they are all much shorter than me.

I met up with a buddy of mine at a laundromat and I realized I forgot my laundry detergent at home, so I asked my friend if I could use his. He said, "yeah" and then he handed me the detergent and then punched me in the face. I was like, "dude what was all that about?" He said, "hey bro, no pain no Gain." It's okay if you don't Cheer at that one. That bit is called "clean material," alright I gotta Bounce.

I once saw this guy at a punk show trying to instigate a mosh pit; but there were absolutely no takers. So he just started moshing alone in this open spot his presence created on the floor. I wonder if when some punk guy in the 70s tried to initiate the first ever mosh pit, everyone was just like, "ow. hey. cut it out!" I was never good at those things. I tried to start a mosh pit once but they just threw me out of the bank.

When I was a teenager I used to rebel against anything, now it's just against my slowly forming insanity and my waist line, but I digress. One time I decided I would shock my conservative, Bush loving parents by telling them that I was gay, which I wasn't, but that's just semantics. It backfired on me though, because my mom was just super supportive and accepting and told me that she loved me and that all she cared about was that I was happy. And my other mom was also super supportive. I think I might have misjudged the vibe of my household.

Here's a quick life tip: If you're ever at a Starbucks and a song you like comes on over the PA, you are an infinitely boring person.

When I got out of hand as a kid, my mom would make me sleep in the dog house. I was kind of bummed about now getting to sleep in my own bed, but it was nice to be under a roof for once.

My friend asked me to help him edit a video he was making for a project at school, unfortunately I left the oven running for too long and ruined all of the raw footage. That's the risk you take when you try to cook some footage, though.

I saw a vanity license plate the other day that said "Aunt Jo." How awesome does a kid have to be before his or her aunt's identity becomes entirely centered around the fact that she is this person's aunt. Which got me to thinking, who's uncle is Uncle Ben from the soup bowls? Is it the same Uncle Ben from Spider Man? Because that would be really depressing. I could see the commercial though. He stops Spider-Man's alter-ego Peter Parker in the hallway and says to him, "With great broth comes great responsibility."