i can't keep myself straight (notes)

please note: half of the songs on this playlist are about being transgender and/or are by trans/gnc artists. i hope you understand why; (ben/kylo) being trans is integral to this playlist.

01. salt - bad suns
stuck inside of the wrong frame/i don't feel attached to this name

trans feelings.

02. true trans soul rebel - against me!
yet to be born, you're already dead/you sleep with a gun beside you in bed

fairly obvious song choice. trans feelings and some suicidal and self harm tendencies.

03. trout heart replica - amanda palmer and the grand theft orchestra
killing things is not so hard it's hurting that's the hardest part and when the wizard gets to me i'm asking for a smaller heart

struggling with the light and the dark, wanting and needing to commit evil acts but feeling too much empathy, having too much heart.

04. the sea is a good place to think of the future - los campesinos!
you may look down at your model's feet and wish that you'd just float away and the weather here is overcast and the sea is the same shade of gray

depression and eating disorders and a hint of trans stuff--i headcanon ben was "the crazy girl" as a kid, always too much, too emotional, dismissed for being a hormonal, "typical" teen from an early age.

05. avalanches - jordaan mason & the horse museum
what if all stripped wood is branches/and all frozen lakes are water/then our bodies will be avalanches

dysphoria.

06. tears for animals - cocorosie
heartstrings broken, wearily turned to the moon/bastard widows born marooned

struggling with the light and the dark, empathy, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness. don't miss the lyric "orphan girl-child".

07. black me out - against me!
i don't want to see the world that way any more, i don't want to feel that weak and insecure

anger leads to hate.

08. pa pa power - dead man's bones
please make me better (we won't destroy you, no, we will not destroy you)

wanting to have power. wanting to be better.

09. way down we go - kaleo
and they will run you down, down 'til you go, so you can't crawl no more

a bit of self-flagellation.

10. hope there's someone - antony and the johnsons
oh i'm scared of the middle place between light and nowhere

fear of loneliness, fear of death, fear of being in-between.

11. poor deal - bianca casady & the c.i.a.
if god and the devil are the same then who's your daddy now?

i know han didn't exactly sell ben to snoke, but the metaphor still stands. parental complacence as the devil comes to take the girl-child away.

12. straight - amanda palmer
and i can't seem to keep myself straight, i've forgotten which habits to hide and which habits to fake

going to the academy--or maybe to train with the knights--and being socially inept. fear of being treated like a girl, specifically "the crazy girl". waiting for someone to call him out and reduce him to what he used to be but never was.