Halloween (black and blues) (Misha)

Halloween (Black and Blues)


The alarm's chirping announces the arrival of a new day, but I desperately root around for the snooze button. It's still set for when I had to budget extra time in the mornings to do my hair, so now I have a little longer to wake up in the mornings. It's helped a lot with recovering from those lazy summer days, but lately, it hasn't been doing any good at all.
I roll over onto my back, gazing through half closed eyes at the ceiling above me. The heat of another sunny day radiates through my window, birds are chirping from somewhere outside. Graduation is so close now, the teachers aren't even trying to make us learn anymore. There's nothing to stop this from being an all-out wonderful day.
So why can't I bring myself to get out of bed?
This is like the day after the school festival. The day after Tanabata. The day after Hisao and I...
...I...
I don't have any strength anymore. Something happened a few days ago between my two best friends. My only friends. Now they barely come to class, and when they do, never at the same time. I've stopped going most of the time, too. I know what's going on, and it's my fault.
It's my fault, and Shicchan blames herself.
It should be against the law to be crying at this hour.
I turn back onto my stomach and bury my head in the pillow again, pressing its damp warmth against my face. I'd be lying if I said the last few months hadn't been a lot of fun, the three of us, together. But I'd also be lying if I said they haven't been hard, too. And I, I couldn't take it one night, and I did something selfish and stupid and...
I want to sleep. I want to be somewhere else, someone else. I'm sorry Shicchan, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I wretch against the now drenched pillow. I thought I was content to live in her shadow, to be needed, even if it wasn't the way I wanted. I thought I could still be happy that way, and I thought I was, until the day he came along.
But I can't bring myself to hate Hicchan, I can't, I never will. I love him too as a friend, I love him so much, and he's made her so happy. I can't blame him for what happened that night. The only one left to blame is me.
I want to melt into the bed below me, disappear somewhere dark and warm and safe, even if I don't deserve it. Everything we had before, it's all fallen apart, and the only one to blame is me.
I open my eyes, still pressed against the damp dark of my pillow. It's all ruined now, and it's my fault.
It's mine, not hers.
I slowly sit up. My heart starts beating faster.
I look at the clock beside my bed. It's still early.
Can I do this? I don't know if I can do this. I still feel so weak, so useless.
But I have to try. I feel a tiny bit of that old resolve begin to return, the one that helped me keep smiling all that time. The one that helped me laugh it all away, that helped me see the good instead of the bad.
I have to do this. I'll understand if she hates me for it. That would make two of us.
I feel a little numb as I step off the bed and begin throwing on my school uniform. I can't even feel my body anymore by the time I walk out of my room. In the blink of an eye I'm in front of her door.
I know that knocking is pointless. I have a key, but won't use it, I can't.
It's right around the time she usually leaves for class in the mornings. I stand there, waiting, for what seems like years, feeling only my heart beating in my chest.
It occurs to me that she might be skipping class again today. I keep waiting. After a while longer, my legs begin to hurt. After an hour, I sink to my knees in front of Shicchan's door.
I can't give up. This is my only chance to make things right. For all the days we spent together, every happy moment I helped give her as her interpreter, for every smile that ever lit up her face. Even if it means I might never smile again myself, I can't let it end this way.
The door before me opens, and all the color in the world drains away. Still on my knees, I look up to see Shicchan staring down at me, eyes wide with surprise.
She never stays that way for long. My hands snap to life.
[Let me in.]
[What are you doing? I'm late for class. Why aren't you there already?]
[Please, Shicchan. Just let me in.]
Her expression clouds with guilt. The sight makes my eyes begin to burn again, but it also helps reignite that fire somewhere inside. I can fix this. I will fix this. I love her. She deserves this much.
[I'm not moving.]
[Misha please, don't...] She begins, but gives up. I'm probably one of the only people at the school who's ever seen her this openly upset. Reluctantly, she backs into her room, as if afraid to be near me, afraid she'll hurt me more.
If only she knew. Well now she will. I push to my feet, and shakily step inside. Even though it's impossible for anyone to overhear us, I close the door behind me. Shizune looks like a cornered animal, her face a mask of guilt. I sit on the bed.
[Shicchan, I have to tell you something.]


I don't know what I expected. I wasn't really looking that far into the future, to be honest. She didn't hate me, she didn't even get angry. If anything, she looked a little relieved to find out it wasn't all her fault. But I started crying pretty early in, and it wasn't much longer at all before she started crying, too. I made a terrible mistake that night, but now, I think I know that we all did at one point or another. All three of us. I don't want to know what might have happened if I had given in to my fear and never come here.
And here we are, lying next to eachother on the bed, arms wrapped around one another tightly. The tears have finally begun to dry, and now I cling to her, feeling completely burned out. She holds on to me, not like a girlfriend, not even like a mother, but like a best friend who almost lost everything and everyone she cared about. The thought is too much to bear.
The day drifts along, turns to afternoon, turns to night. We stay here. I don't know what's going to happen next. I don't know if we can fix things between us and Hicchan. But I hope so.
I fixed this. No matter what, I will always be glad I did.
I love you so much, Shicchan. Even if I can't be with you that way, even if I'll never be able to let go of these feelings. I'll know that I did the right thing today.




“Halloween” is a song by Chris Garneau.