Cooking Adventures with CanadAnon

>Be Anon
>Canadian
>Territory Master Race
>Epitome of love, understanding, manliness and facial hair
>Of course, understanding can only go so far
>Especially in a world where poutine does not exist

>Day Super Combo in Equestria
>Wake up
>Shit, Shower
>No more trimming
>Your magic plaid boxers keep you at a stable internal temperature of 5 C
>Your beard is free to grow once more
>As it should
>You’re growing fond of this so called summer
>Especially now that it no longer threatens to kill you
>And that you can't feel the heat
>Chow down on some logs
>As always, breakfast is one of the greatest times for contemplation
>Last week had raised a disturbing issue
>You had used poutine as a distraction, and they didn’t know what you meant
>At first you had assumed it was because they were sex craving fiends at the time, but you asked Twilight about it later, and she had no idea what you were talking about
>Truly, you were living in dark times
>But you were going to fix this
>You just needed some potatoes, a cow, and some gravy
>Should be easy enough

Come now, Miss Cow, I just need a little milk!
>”I’m sorry Anon, but that’s really just too inappropriate!”
>You’re at Sweet Apple Acres, talking to a cow
>But not the majestic moos of the wild cows that roam northern Canada
>This one speaks English
How so? It’s just liquid from your udder!
>”That’s for my kids only! I don’t come up to you and ask for your semen!”
>You're sure those aren't the same, but you let it slide
Then how do the ponies around here get milk?!
>”…You know, I never thought to ask. Maybe they use their own?”
>You pause to think
>Do ponies even have milk?
>It seems most animals do
…Would a goat be a better source of milk?
>”Oh no, they hate the idea even more than us cows do!”
>God dammit
>You just wanted to milk a cow, make your cheese the right way
>Stupid ponies and their English speaking animals
>Guess you’re going to have to go to the market and buy the cheese
>You can feel the Border-Humping Southern Canada sink into your skin, and shudder
>The things you do to share the joys of poutine

>A while later and you have several bags of cheese curds
>They kept them refrigerated though
>Stupid health code
>You take them home and leave them on the table, and set out for potatoes
>You figure Carrot Top would have some
>Surely she doesn’t just grow carrots

>A few minutes later, and you have determined exactly how wrong you were
>That was a lot of carrots
>If you didn’t already have night vision, eating every carrot in her garden would’ve given it to you
>Sometimes being Canadian took the fun out of getting those abilities yourself
>…
>Definitely worth it
>So where would one find potatoes?
>You’re definitely not going to the market again
>It smells of weakness
>Maybe AJ knows where to find potatoes?
>Ok that’s a terrible idea
>Plan B
>You remember finding potatoes in remote spots in the tundra
>Little spots of forest sometimes held them
>You happen to know a forest
>As well as a few of the inhabitants

>You reach Ursul’s cave about an hour later
>The sun steadily makes its way across the sky; if you want this poutine before the day is over, you’re going to need to move fast
>You tap the side of the massive stone mouth and wait
>A moment later, Ursula sticks her head out
>Ursul’s mate growls at you
Nice to see you too Ursula. How’re you doing?
>Ursula lets loose a sequence of growls, shaking her head and waving her paws
Hah! Kids sure can be a handful, can’t they?
>Ursula nods solemnly
So, do you mind if I borrow Ursul for a bit? I want to ask him something
>Ursula grunts and heads back into the cave
>A few seconds later, Ursul pops out and pats you on the back
Hey there Ursul. Ursula still treating you well?
>Ursul growls, nudging you and winking
Oh ho, I don’t think she’d appreciate you telling me that much!
>Ursul does his growl laugh, which sort of sounds like a chain saw
So, do you think you could help me out with something? No time for wrestling today I’m afraid
>Ursul raises an eyebrow at you
>His facial expressions are always great
>Classic Ursul
I need to find some potatoes, but I’m not sure where I could find some in the forest. Do you know any places where they grow?
>Ursul taps lifts his claw to scratch his chin, and then makes what appears to be a map in the ground
>You see your phallic shaped clearing, and to the east of it, Ursul’s cave. North east of the cave, he puts a skull, and on the other side of it, an x
So the potatoes are on the other side of danger?
>Ursul grunts
Hydra territory, eh? I like the sound of that

>You probably could’ve snuck past the Hydra
>It had been sleeping soundly when you stumbled upon it
>Of course, that wouldn’t do
>You had instead jumped on its back and smacked two of its heads together
>You then proceeded to jump off its back, and give it a chance to clear its heads and fight you
>And now here you are
>Inside a hydra’s stomach
>Probably shouldn’t have underestimated it
>Kind of like an arctic snake, how it can swallow things whole
>You like to think it would’ve talked to you had you followed the Canadian code
>”Only wrestle those who wish to wrestle”
>This is what happens when you aren’t polite
>No time to dwell on the past though; you have poutine to make
>You’ll apologize when you’re out
>You start to think, but you're distracted
>It’s pretty hot in here
>Even with your enchanted boxers, you can feel your temperature rise to an alarming 10 C
>Unthinkable
>Idea
>You pull off your boxers and put them in your beard
>Almost instantaneously, you feel the summer heat combine with the inner heat of the Hydra
>You radiate heat like a miniature sun
>Slightly exaggerated
>You feel the stomach acid around you start to churn and boil
>You feel the Hydra begin to convulse
>Aaaand vomit

>You lay on the ground for a moment before getting up and jumping in the nearby water
>You climb out, the majority of the stomach acid removed from your body
>You put your boxers back on, and the rest flies off
>The hydra is lying on the ground
>Doesn’t look so good
Hey buddy, I’m sorry I woke you up and then made you vomit. Just haven’t had a good wrestle in a while, you know?
>The hydra hisses
Hey now, everyone makes mistakes! Is there any way I can repay you?
>The hydra hisses again
You hungry? Well, I’m looking into making some delicious food right now! In fact, that’s why I was passing through here
>Another hiss
Well then, I’ll make sure to bring it back here as soon as I can!
>The three heads remain silent, and then nod, looking appeased
>You jog off across the swamp
>Potato time

>Luckily, nothing really troubled you at the potato area
>You took some choice ones, as much as you could store in the whale skin bag you had brought
>Nice and stretchy, so you got a good haul
>Soon you’re back home, cutting through the potatoes with precision
>Your axe turns them into nice looking fries in no time
>You toss them in the fridge to keep them fresh
>Now for gravy
>With the market out of the question, you only have one choice
>You pick up your axe and fashion a thin, stretchy piece of wood
>You cut off a few thin strands of beard hair and weave them together, attaching them to the wood
>After a few tweaks, you find the right tension, and the bow is done
>Next you find some moose teeth and sharpen them into points
>Cutting a few more straight pieces of wood, you take more beard strands and tie on the teeth
>Next up you find a small log and cut it down to a reasonable size, so it fits in the palm of your hand
>You find the tooth of Ursul’s that fell out one time when you were wrestling; he said you could keep it, in case you ever needed it
>Good ol’ Ursul
>You attach the canine onto the wood
>When all is said and done, you find yourself with a bow, a dozen arrows, and a six foot spear
>Perfect for hunting

>One awesome hunting montage later, and you have a manticore to cook
>You stalked it for a good hour before making your move
>Pinned its tail down with a couple arrows and then speared it through the chest
>Poor thing didn’t stand a chance
>You have a massive makeshift oven outside
>A big stone block that you chiseled out and hollowed
>You can just barely fit the manticore inside
>They laughed when you made it so big
>”Why would you ever need to cook something that large?”
>”Or so much at once?”
>”Just cook a little at a time!”
>You knew better though
>You set up a large pan to catch the juices as it cooks
>You head back into your house, searching through your cabinets
>Find what you’re looking for; your flour and Berry Punch’s wine
>You walk out to the oven, tossing a few more logs onto the fire feeding it
>Open it up and pull out the juice pan, pleased with the amount so far
>Toss another pan in and make another fire
>You hang the pan just over the fire, and add half the bottle of wine and a sizable amount of flour
>You allow it to boil and bubble while you fetch the other pan
>Good thing you had all these pans
>You didn't really know what to do with the metal you had found at the time
>Pans seemed good enough
>Toss another one in so you don’t waste any juice, and head to the fire
>You Hang it beside the gravy pan, and quickly grab the fries from the fridge
>Toss them into the pan
>Should fry them well enough

>A couple hours later, you’ve made a few pans full of gravy, as well as cooked all your fries
>You cut up the manticore and put some into the freezer
>The rest you throw a bunch of salt on and leave on a few rocks to dry
>You have several batches of poutine, ready to share
>Yours and the hydra’s have a few pieces of manticore meat, but you leave the rest meat free
>No need to offend the ponies
>First you give some to the Hydra, who devours it within seconds
>It hisses at you, pleased with your offering, and wanders off into the swamp
>Now for Ponyville

>You knock on Twilights door, poutine in hand
>You can barely contain your excitement
>Soon Equestria will know true joy, and the dark times will fade
>Twilight opens the door a few moments later
>”Oh, hello Anon. What’s that you have there?”
You said you didn’t know what poutine is. So, here you are!
>You hand it out to her
>Twilight smiles and steps back, allow you to come inside and place it on the table
>She magics a fork up and takes a sniff
>”Hmmm… it smells delicious! Yet somehow familiar…”
>You smile as she takes a bite
>She pauses
>”…Anon, why does this gravy taste so off?”
Off? Oh no, I hope the manticore wasn’t sick!
>Twilight looks at you
>Her eyes widen as it dawns on her exactly what she just ate
>She sputters, running to the nearest tap and rinsing her mouth
What? What’s wrong!?
>Twilight looks back at you
>”I don’t eat meat, Anon! Nopony does! You know that, yet you fed me this!”
What? That’s not meat! It’s just manticore gravy! No meat involved!
>”It’s still from a living creature, Anon! Get out, and take your vile food with you!”
Wait, Twilight, be reasonable! Meat is meat, gravy is juice!
>Twilights horn begins to glow
>Suddenly you’re upside down, the poutine is back in your hands, and you’re flying through the air outside
>You land on your shoulders
>The feel the poutine spill
>You hear Twilight step outside
>”From now on, anything you make, you are telling me exactly what is in it and how you made it! Or Celestia help me, I will shave your beard and destroy your boxers!”
>And with that, the door slams shut
>You pick yourself up, looking sadly down at your poutine
>You whistle and a couple dogs come and eat it off the ground
>You sigh as they do
>Today didn’t end as planned
>You never really had good foresight
>Your village was more doers, less planners
>You suppose there’s no way you’ll be able to share it with anything but Everfree Forest now
>Wait

>An hour or so later, you’re walking around your fire pit, handing out poutine
>Larry, Gary and Terry the Hydra are chowing down on the helping you handed them
>Ursul and Ursula brought the kids along and are eating whole heartedly
>A Timberwolf is lying back from the fire
>Even a manticore has come along to eat some poutine
>You told it what was in it, but it didn’t seem to care
>He seems like a cool guy
>Perhaps you can’t share your meal with the denizens of Ponyville
>But no true beast can avoid the allure of Canada’s best meal