[RGRE][MP] Rarity is Smooth as Fuck

Mar 9th, 2016
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  1. >You know what?
  2. >Fuck ponies.
  3. >Fuck them in their stupid horse faces.
  4. >Fuck their backwards-ass "herd" bullshit.
  5. >Just.....
  6. >....
  7. >Just fuck them, man.
  8. >You are Anon.
  9. >You've been replaced.
  10. >Twilight Sparkle.
  11. >Excuse you; PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle.
  12. >The two of you had been close ever since you violently burst into existence in Applejack's cellar.
  13. >You'd been best friends for months and months and months.
  14. >For the last year, you'd been "special someponies".
  15. >Twilight wanted to include a bunch of her friends in with the two of you, but you thought that shit was WEIRD.
  16. >She SAID she understood.
  17. >She SAID that if her colt was happy, then SHE was happy.
  18. >Said that sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make a relationship work.
  19. >....
  20. >Well, guess what was her most recent sacrifice?
  21. >Yup, it was you.
  22. >The minute she was gifted with those ugly-ass wings, she had been given access to the "Royal Herd".
  23. >You were dropped the second that something better came up.
  24. >"Why don't you just find another mare, Anonymous?", she said.
  25. >"You're attractive enough, so it isn't as though you'll be on the market for long," she reasoned.
  26. >"C'mon, Anonymous, don't be all huffy. Here's some bits; why don't you go on a shopping spr-Ow!" she cried as a bag full of heavy gold hit her square in the face.
  27. >Superior human biology, you cunt!
  28. >No other species can throw shit accurately like a human can.
  29. >So here you are, drinking your troubles away in your basement.
  30. >Lucky for you, you'd managed to strike a deal with PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle before you'd beaned her in the eye with her dirty money.
  31. >Normally you'd need a mare's signature on a property deed, but PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle had been "gentlemarely" and "generous" enough to abuse her royal powers and make an illegal exception for you.
  33. >She'd also paid off what little money you owed on your shitty fucking cabin, meaning that you could sit and drink all day in your dark room and never pay a single bit for your property.
  34. >You thought that with the weird "matriarchy" thing this ponyland had going on, you'd have a hard time finding sympathetic faces after this whole ordeal.
  35. >Turns out that PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle is socially-retarded as fuck, and nopony thinks that what she pulled on you was cool.
  36. >Best part is, she's absolutely confused as to why Rarity and Rainbow Dash won't even talk to her any more.
  37. >Rainbow Dash is just pissed at the PRINCESS out of principle, but Rarity is your drinking buddy now.
  38. >Drinking buddy-slash-crying pillow, because you have emotions too, dammit!
  39. >You're allowed to hurt!
  40. >Especially when you've been drinking.
  42. -----------------------------------
  44. >"Honestly, I simply cannot believe how boorish Twilight is acting towards you, Anonymous."
  45. >Rarity takes another dainty sip of her drink (horsewhiskey on the rocks) as she leans up into you.
  46. >You sigh and look around for your bottle of horserum, only to find it empty.
  47. >Some fucker stole your liquor while you weren't looking!
  48. >Yer gonna... yer gonna get that asshole.
  49. >Just you wait.
  50. >Rarity pokes you in the chest with her hoof, spilling her drink onto your shirt and making a mess of your carpet.
  51. >"You know what you need, Darling?"
  52. >What.
  53. >What do you need.
  54. >"You need a well-raised mare, Anonymous. Somepony who won't dump you the minute something better comes around. And you know why I wouldn't do that?"
  55. >Why.
  56. >Tell you, dammit!
  57. >"Because I can't imagine anypony better than you."
  58. >Shit, son. Any smoother and it'd be like that once episode of The Magic Schoolbus where all the kids dicked around on a weird surface that had literally no friction.
  59. >You know what? Maybe breaking up with Twilight wasn't actually all that bad. You think you've found somepony even better.
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