Ponyland, Chapter 1: Disease

Jun 24th, 2014
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  1. I was picking up my girlfriend at the airport when it first happened. Waiting outside the pickup terminal at old Chicago O’Hare, the familiar sounds of Aqua came from the inside of my pocket, Barbie Girl the ringtone I decided to set for her. The irony of the situation would be lost on me until days later,
  3. “Hey I’m waiting outside Terminal A, I’m in the same old same old” I sat around in my silver Nissan Pathfinder, which I purchased years ago when I got my first paycheck at my kush desk job. I was nothing more than a computer engineer turned IT, and I was still able to work out of my humble apartment back in my hometown of [UNDISCLOSED]. But with my position of IT at my company of Equus, I worked to get my unemployed and unmotivated girlfriend a job of her own out in Philadelphia. See being IT, I was able to influence certain hiring folks to give her a chance, in exchange for a few computer-related favors and I decided to cash in as many chips as possible. So here I laid waiting for my girlfriend who hopefully would be more than willing to give me some, ‘Thanks for getting me a well-paying job’ sex. A man can dream.
  5. “Come outside! I got a surprise to show you!” I heard her say, in an extra perky tone. Odd, I would assume that she would be a lot more down, rather than excited as she hated flying and would probably like to get home.
  7. “You know I can only be here for a few minutes, so hurry up and get in, you can show me your surprise inside my car.”
  9. “Aww, don’t be such a party pooper. I’ve got a few friends who want to meet you!” Friends? Who the hell did she meet on this plane that made her so excited? I really wasn’t kidding about having to leave soon, it was in bad form to stay inside the pickup areas for more than a few minutes, airport etiquette people.
  11. “I’m going to wait in my car, just come out and we’ll meet later,” I said in an annoyed tone. Deciding not to appease my Girlfriend’s strangely bubbly personality, I turned on the radio to see how bad the traffic would be on my way back to [UNDISCLOSED].
  13. ot approach any of these technicolored equine based life forms. I repeat the CDC has thrown out a warning to everyone as a dangerous contagion has been linked to sentient little ponies, do not approach any of these technicolored equine based life forms. There was an accident, wait what are you doing in here? Who let you in here? Get away from me! Aaargh!
  15. God damn radio shows. I decided to switch to a different radio station.
  17. DC has put out a warning to avoid any colorful ponies, so avoid any equines that you see in the next few days while they investigate this dangerous contagion. We here at NBC Chicago will remain to give you up to date news.
  19. I looked outside, Barbie Girl began playing again.
  21. “Where are you? I don’t see you”
  23. “I’m exiting the door you silly billy!” she said on the other line. I looked out near the entrance to the terminal and waitied, and saw a group of ponies, exit. It was then I heard from the radio.
  25. They’ve broken into our studio as well, anyone out there listening, I don’t care who you are, but for the sake of humanity, survive and aaaaargh, ensure that we make it, SURVIVE! And find your nearest pony and give them a big big hug!
  27. “Come outside, how am I supposed to give you a hug if you’re cramped up in your car, you goofball?!” The group of ponies walked towards my pathfinder, leading the group was a pink unicorn levitating a phone, behind her was a lavender pony and a sky blue one. Behind me I saw an older gentleman greet a mint-green pegasus, and promptly begin writhing on the ground. Wait what? I adjusted my rear-view mirror, the old man began shaking his limbs quickly taking on a more equine form, hooves forming up on his hands and feet and oh god was that a tail? The entire process was done in less than a minute and in his place stood a brown pony, “What are you doing being all panicy wanicy, I just want to give you a hug!”
  29. “What’s your name?” I asked as she and her group was only feet away from my vehicle.
  31. “It’s Candy Swirl! Don’t you remember?”
  33. “No, I don’t remember” and I pressed hard on the pedal, tires screeching on the ground, trying to do what I can to get the hell out of Chicago. Looking back, other cars were doing the same whereas some people meeting their loved ones and friends got turned into freak shows.
  35. “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, YOU COME BACK MISTER” I hung up. Shit, she had a point.
  36. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
  38. I made my way back down the highway, thanking whatever gods I decided to praise that day as there was no traffic as I made my way back to [UNDISCLOSED]. Millions of thoughts were barreling through my head as I tried to figure out what exactly was going on. So, apparently multicolored horses have appeared out of nowhere and contact with them changes the human physiology almost immediately. Amazing, the entire human race is fucked. I turned on the radio in an attempt to get more answers.
  40. “This is Neigh B. C. New Canterlot and I’m your anchor Sunny Skies, and beside me is my co-anchor Porchlight Spackle, Porchlight Spackle what is going on today in the news?” The first voice was high pitched, which further my theory.
  42. “Thanks Sunny, now today we’re making a whole bunch of new friends! So remember ponies, if you see a human, be sure to make a new friend and share your love for them! What’s the weather like Cloud Charmer?”
  44. “Well, New Canterlot used to be called the Windy City, but now we’ve got pegasi working around the clock to get this city perfect for us ponyfolk and of course good thing its Summer! We’ve got sunny days this entire week with a high of 80 degrees on Monday and a Low of 63, and the weather will continue exactly like that until the weather crew decide to make it rain!” A storm sound effect played over the radio, “But by then it will be the weekend and we’ll have a bunch of friends to enjoy the rain with! Back to you Porchlight!”
  46. “Thanks Cloud Charmer, well this in Neigh B. C New Canterlot and we want to remind everyone out there to be happy and make friends, humans and ponies alike! Porchlight Spackle signing out!”
  48. I turned off the radio, my fears were confirmed. I needed to formulate a plan I’ve got no defenses, no stockpiles, and no support system to help me through the upcoming Ponypocalypse. I pulled off the highway onto a few state roads. Cars seemed to be hustling along as normal. Perhaps the plague hadn’t reached [UNDISCLOSED] yet. With that I could possibly stop by my parents’ house as well and make sure that they were safe, maybe we all could find a boat and find an island to live out the rest of our days. I reflected on what that anchor said before he turned, “I don’t care who you are, but for the sake of humanity, survive and aaaaargh, ensure that we make it, SURVIVE” Could this really be the end of humanity? I pulled into my humble apartment, there were little to no cars around.
  50. Cautiously, I opened my front door, to find it was already unlocked. Except I was the only one who had a key, except for…
  52. “Hey there Honeybun! Remember when I told you I loved you?” A wave of euphoria began to wash over me, I did remember, and if she was willing to go this far to show me her love, clearly she still wanted me to be with her.
  54. “Get away, I’m not thinking straight,” I walked back towards the Pathfinder. Struggling to keep my thoughts from becoming too fuzzy, I kept focusing on that Anchor, “SURVIVE!”
  56. “What are you doing cutie?” I reached inside the trunk to find my tire iron. Flush memories of us two spending our lives as horses began coursing through my head. We were sitting on a grassy hill, having a picnic with the sunny sky hanging overhead, not a cloud in sight. I looked in her gorgeous eyes, and lost myself in the moment.
  58. My memory fast-forwarded a few years and we had a little filly running around us, and her belly was large. “I love you Daddy,” the little filly said towards me.
  60. “I love you too,” I nuzzled my wife-horse.
  62. “Aren’t you happy you gave up?” she said to me.
  64. SURVIVE!
  66. “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” I charged at my ex-girlfriend turned horse.
  68. THWACK
  70. “Ow, what are you doing?” she screamed bloody murder.
  72. PANG
  74. “Stop! You’re hurting me!”
  76. THWACK, she began to cough up blood.
  78. THUD, the pink mass collapsed on the floor. Blood covered my hands and the false memories began to melt away. Horses frolicking in the fields became two humans sharing a picnic, which became myself with a bloody tire iron in my hands and a dead pony in front of me. Blood pooled on my driveway. And I looked to the horror in front of me.
  80. This was real. Humanity was on its last ropes, and I needed to Survive.
  81. //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
  82. I grabbed whatever I could, grabbing whatever packets of instant noodles, pasta and water bottles I had lying around. I also made sure to grab whatever blunt objects that I could use. That psycho pony wasn’t the first thing to try to convert me and I assumed she wouldn’t be the last and I decided it would be better to be safe than sorry. I found an aluminum bat that I used for the slow-pitch softball league I played last year. Unfortunately that’s all I was able to find around, but I remembered, my parents owned a few handguns after they were robbed last year. Luckily they lived about forty minutes from [UNDISCLOSED] so I made my way back into the Pathfinder which had blood stains from my previous encounter.
  84. Onto the state road, I headed north, towards my Parents house, all of the traffic was headed south as it seemed everyone was prioritizing getting out of Illinois, and into the country. Smart for them. Driving on the road was simple and I decided to blow every red light on the way. If Humanity was going down, I figured cops weren’t going care about the laws of the road. I decided not to turn on the radio in an attempt to distance myself from the enemy. But it didn’t really matter as what usually was a forty minute drive became something along the lines of a twenty five minute drive.
  86. I pulled up into my parent’s driveway, unhappy with the fact that their cars still lied at my old home. However that could have been good news for me, as I could still have access to their firearms. I opened the front door, also unlocked. That wasn’t a good sign.
  87. I looked around, “Mom? Dad? Haven’t you heard the news? We got to get the hell out of dodge! Everyone’s turning into ponies!” My childhood home was a two story house, with everyone’s rooms on the second floor and the kitchen, dining and living room on the ground floor. The guns were in my parents room, so I simply snuck up the stairs, like I did back long ago. If there were any ponies about I didn’t want to alert them to my location. Every door in the second floor was opened, except for my parents’ room. Strange. I slowly turned the knob.
  88. Locked. Wait, they had to have known that there was a plague going around right? “Mom! Dad! If you’re in there, get dressed, or cover yourself up, because I’m coming in!” I kicked the door down only to find two ponies balls deep on top of my parent’s bed. Why would two ponies sneak into my house just to…
  90. Oh no. OH NO! “WHAT THE HELL?” I bolted towards their attached bathroom, searching for the safe with the guns inside.
  92. “Son, open up this door, right now. We need to talk.” I heard a gruff voice similar to what was my father’s.
  94. “You know we just want you to be happy right?” The second voice said, “Everypony’s happy now! And your father, has been given great new gifs as well.” I could only imagine that the she-pony was referring to my father’s new genitals. Safe, safe I scoured their closet. Hidden under a pile of clothes! Now I just had to remember the combination to the lock. I tried my birthday,
  95. 05-23-90, nothing.
  97. “Son, you have 10 seconds to open this door, or I’m bucking it down. Come out peacefully! It’s the best for everyone.”
  99. Okay, his birthday, 07-23-62, nothing.
  101. “Honey, I’m going to call the Police, they’ll keep him safe”
  103. Mom's birthday? 10-10-68, nothing.
  105. “5 seconds, you open this door right now!” He yelled, I paniced. What other combination of numbers would and then it hit me. Her.
  107. 06-01-92. *Click*, I opened the door, and pulled out the handgun. At that moment the door burst open, and a brown horse charged into the room, “Stop resitsting this is best for all of us!”
  109. BANG, the brown horse collapsed in front of my eyes. Blood began pouring out from the hole between his eyes. I sprung up, and grabbed the rest of the ammo and the shotgun from the safe. I carried everything toward the stairs when a light blue mare blocked my path, “What are you doing with that...”
  111. I looked back at her with my dead eyes, “Get out of my way horse.”
  113. “You didn’t…” Her eyes began to tear up.
  115. “I said get out of my way horse.”
  117. “You didn’t…” She began to charge up the stairs.
  119. “GET OUT OF MY WAY”
  123. BANG
  125. “Was,” tears crawled down my own face. The reality of my situation set in, I killed my own parent-horses. A red pool of blood formed on the steps where what used to my mother stood. This war for survival was just that, a war. If I were going to survive, there were going to be sacrifices. I just never realized that everyone that I cared about was going to have to fall for my survival. Except, there was one person left, her. She was my last link to my old life and we hadn’t spoken in six months.
  127. “Well Tarnation, somebody already did work on this sonofabitch,” I heard in a strangely authentic southern accent.
  129. “Who are you and why are you here?” I pointed my handgun towards the man. He stood there with a grizzled moustache and a ten gallon hat.
  131. “Nice of you to be hospitable,” he said sarcastically, “now why don’t you put that gun down and we make our way down to the next house clear that out and split the spoils from here on out.”
  133. “Spoils? This was my parent’s house what the hell are you talking about spoils?” I yelled at the cowboy.
  135. “Aw shoot,” he looked over me, and saw the dead horse still collapsed on the stairwell, “I’m sorry girlfriend?”
  137. “Mother,” I told him.
  139. “You didn’t stick your dick into that didja?”
  141. “What the fuck man? I found her balls deep in my dad-horse, fucking shit I was trying to get that image out of my head!”
  143. “Aw shit, I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories, I’m just trying to find friends here in this crazy fucked up world that we’ve found ourselves in, now let’s make our way around this neighborhood. There’s only so many houses left to raid before we get the hell out of Illinois.”
  145. “Wait? We? Raiding? I just lost my Parents, I killed them in cold blood what are you talking about moving on raiding?”
  147. “Here’s the thing princess, you didn’t kill your parents, that god forsaken plague that’s been spreading around killed them, they were dead whenever they became horses.” He pointed towards the light blue corpse lying on the stairway, “Shoot I know you want to mourn their loss but we got to hurry our asses up!” The cowboy put his hand over my shoulder, “This your car out here? Let’s load ourselves up. An SUV will make a mighty fine vehicle to get ourselves down south.”
  149. “What the hell is down South?”
  151. “Aww shoot, don’t you know the rednecks down in Texas have managed to wall themselves up, turns out their crazy gun tootin-ways were pretty smart. So I figure two gentlemen like ourselves can do a good amount of work defending whatever’s left of us humans.”
  153. “If we’re going to Texas, is there any chance we can try to stop by Springfield, Missouri on our way?”
  155. “Well what’s down in Springfield that’s got your panties all up in a bunch?”
  157. “I need to know my Sister’s safe.”
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