A Song of Ice and Tinder (Mating Rituals [EX]):
A Wandering Inn-fan Fiction by MidniteLulz

Far into the High Passes of Izril, something stirred. Home to some of the most dangerous creatures in Izril, the High Passes present a natural barrier to travel, and it is deep within a cave that we find one such creature awakens. As an unearthly light fills the cave, we can count ourselves lucky that we are not there in person to witness the stirring of the most dangerous, most heinous, and perhaps vilest creature to exist: an iPhone user. The iPhone user (coincidentally also a dragon) picks up their buzzing phone, and with delicate precision uses a single claw to turn the alarm off.

"Quite useful." The dragon remarks, turning the phone this way and that.

"An alarm function certainly saves on having to cast spells, at the least. What other treasures do you hold, my tiny friend?"

Teriarch (For that is the dragon's name, dear reader), begins scrolling through the various Apps installed on the phone. He'd already tried learning some of these "Earth" languages using a dictionary. So far, he'd been making good progress in Spanish, and was quite confident in his abilities to communicate, should he encounter anybody from this "Span" country.

As he neared the bottom of the list, he came upon one that piqued his interest.

"Ember? Sounds appropriate." He opened the app, and a large, hearts-aflame motif greeted him.

<HELLO THERE!> greeted a cartoon of a heart, <LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SET UP YOUR ACCOUNT YET! CLICK BELOW TO GET STARTED AND FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE!>

"Hmm. Hearts? Anatomically incorrect, of course, but clearly meant to convey romance."

Teriarch scratched at his mane with a massive claw. "Well, I suppose it has been quite some time. You've piqued my interest, talking heart. Let us commence."

He clicked the "START NOW" button, as the screen flashed through various questions.

"Real name?"

Teriarch typed "Teriarch" into the field, before pausing. He glanced down at the phone, then lifted one claw and cast a few spells in quick succession.

"[Mind Blank]. [Glibness]. [Eagle's Splendor]."

He looked himself over before grunting in satisfaction and typing "Garry Archer" into the "Name" field instead, and clicking the Next button.

"Simple." Teriarch commented, chuckling drily. He answered a few more questions about his age (25), his interests and hobbies (Reading, collecting rare items, napping, Cookie Clicker), and a few questions about his personality and tastes. Finally coming to Username, he entered "LordOfFlame.", and hit the Next button.

The heart danced on his screen for a bit as the request loaded, before suddenly resolving, but into a SAD HEART. Teriarch reeled back in shock.

"MY USERNAME HAS BEEN TAKEN?! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!"

He stared down at the phone in confusion and horror. What should he do? He quickly backed out of the App, and quickly punched in a number. Only one person could help him now.


---

Far away, in the darkness of The Huntress' Haven, a phone rings, causing its owner to jerk in surprise. Ryoka Griffin lifts the phone and stares at the Caller Id in confusion, before realization dawns. She answers the phone with a sigh.

"Teriarch. What do you need now?"

"What? How did you know it was me? I had not yet said an-"

"You're calling me from my own phone number."

"Shrewd as ever, young runner. It is your shrewdness I need now, in my darkest hour. My username has ALREADY BEEN TAKEN. How can I right this wrong?"

Ryoka pressed her fingers against her brow in frustration.  "Your... username? Just... add a 69 or some other numbers or something after it." It was like dealing with her grandparents sometimes.

"Hmm... I shall try that. Thank you for your assistance, Miss Griffin." With a click, Teriarch ended the call.

"Who was that?" Fierre asked, casually wiping her face with a towel. Ryoka glanced at her and clicked her tongue in disapproval.

"I don't remember telling you to stop."


---

Meanwhile, in the Reinhart estate, Magnolia Reinhart, war hero and scion to one of the most powerful families on Izril, was busy concocting lies with her [Head Maid] and close friend, Ressa.

"25, surely?" Magnolia protested.

"Even 29 would be a hard sale, Lady Reinhart."

"Hmph." Magnolia said, entering 29 into the iPhone. "It's not as if it knows. This is all in jest, besides. It's not like I would actually think about courting any of these..." She gestured, searching for the words, then settled for more gestures instead.

"Yes, I agree." Ressa concurred.

"You are looking for..." Magnolia read, "Men, Women, Both, Other, or Yes." She paused a moment before selecting "Men." Ressa politely coughed.

"Something to say, Ressa dear?" Lady Reinhart inquired sweetly.

"Nothing, my lady. I am a faithful retainer to the Reinhart estate, as well as a trusted guardian of your plans and secrets."

"Mmm. Quite." Magnolia replied, nodding and selecting "Both" instead. She hit the Next button, answered a few more questions, and finally settled on the username of "IzrilRose".

"I wonder how this intends to connect to other devices, though." Magnolia thought aloud as she completed her registration, "I was to understand that there was no "Internet" in our world."

"Yes," Ressa agreed, shuddering slightly, "It was certainly brought up enough."


---

"Sir! General Johnson!" NSA operative Clent Jimson approached his superior officer, waving a sheaf of paper.

General Richard C. Johnson turned to greet the operative, sipping coffee from his Garfield mug as he looked at a screen which was probably showing some kind of important bullshit.

"Sir! You remember the recent experiment to improve our communication security, the McGuffin Wavelength Burnisher?"

"Mmm." General Johnson said, "Sounds contrived."

"Very much, thank you sir." nodded Operative Jimson. "Well, you'll want to see this, sir! We've received some really strange hits, there's no associated towers, nothing nearby, they just come out of nowhere! The only thing we can draw from them is that they origin from somewhere called... "Izril.""

Jimson waved the papers at the General, who idly scratched his thigh.

"That's one of those countries in the middle east." He explained calmly. "And here I thought you had something important. Fuggin rookies."

General Johnson took a long drag out of his cup, which boldly declared "Mondays? Bah!"

"Call me when there's a terrorism." He ordered, dismissing Jimson with a wave.

Jimson glanced down at his papers, but shuffled away, dejected, as General Johnson stared at the poster on the wall, which depicted Scruff McGruff, warning "Only you can NO to  A TERRORISM."

"God bless America." he whispered, shedding a single tear.


---

"Ah, Ressa, we've got a match already! 'Lordofflame69.' I wonder what the 69 means..." Magnolia scrolled through the profile provided.

"From what I've seen with those children, I believe it's of great cultural significance." Ressa explained.

"Well, let's have a chat, then. I wonder what passes for courtship in their world." With a click, Magnolia started the built-in Chat app.

<YOU ARE NOW CHATTING WITH: LORDOFFLAME69! GOOD LUCK!>


IzrilRose: <Hello? Are you there?>
Lordofflame69: <A good evening to you, my dear. How do you fare on this night?>

"Hm. A bit more formal than I was expecting." Magnolia admitted, but continued.

IzrilRose: <I fare quite well, thank you for asking. How does the night find you?>
Lordofflame69: <Better for your company, I must admit.>
IzrilRose: <And a flatterer as well.>
Lordofflame69: <Well, it's been so long since I've courted, it is a relief to see I haven't lost my golden touch.>
IzrilRose: <Surely, it can't have been that long. Your profile lists your age as 25.>
Lordofflame69:  <Siri, how do I undo a message.>
IzrilRose: <I beg your pardon?>
Lordofflame69: <My apologies. This is my first time using this service. In fact, I have not been in possession of this device for long.>
Lordofflame69:<It is hard to use at tims>
Lordofflame69:<Times. Why does it keep doing that?>
IzrilRose: <Are you referring to the "autocorrect" feature? It is rather annoying, isn't it?>
Lordofflame69: <Yes, it infuriates me to no end. Hm. I'll have to figure out how to turn it off.>
IzrilRose: <Think nothing of it. I suppose that means you're not from "Earth", then?>
Lordofflame69:<And likewise for you. Your name has Izril in it, after all.>
IzrilRose: <Of course. Your name as well, is rather interesting. Are you a [Lord] then, sir?>

Teriarch paused and rubbed his chin. Strictly speaking, he was not, of course, a [Lord], but was he not at least the equivalent of one, if not greater? His claws tapped as he responded.

Lordofflame69:<Perhaps. I may well be a [Lord], should it please you.>

Magnolia chuckled to herself, taking a sip of her tea.

IzrilRose: <Well, if you're to be a [Lord], what am I to be? A [Lady] of a rival house? Or perhaps a [Maid] in your service?>

Magnolia paused. "Hm. I hope this isn't Tyrion or somebody like that." She considered.

Ressa leaned over Lady Reinhart's shoulder to examine the conversation.

"No," she concluded, "Lord Veltras would never use so many of those little pictures."

Magnolia nodded, "Yes, that was my take on it as well."

Lordofflame69: <If you are to be a fair [Maid], surely you can tell me your name.>
Lordofflame69: <Your profile says it is "Private">

IzrilRose: <Yes, of course, m'lord. I am your faithful [Maid], Ressa.>
IzrilRose: <ssddddddddddbbbbbb              ee>
Lordofflame69:<Are you alright?>

"Calm down, it is simply a joke." Magnolia admonished, doing her best to fend Ressa off with her foot.

"It's one I've no taste for!" Ressa retorted, reaching for the phone.

"Don't pout! I'll make it up to you, but let me have my fun for now."

Ressa closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. After a long pause, she finally opened her eyes and released Magnolia's arms.

"Don't make me regret indulging you." She warned.

"Perish the thought," Magnolia replied, resuming her conversation with her mysterious lothario.

IzrilRose: <Yes, I'm fine, sorry. I dropped the phone.>
Lordofflame69: <Okay.>
IzrilRose: <So, if I am to be a [Maid], then what can I do to serve M'lord?>
Lordofflame69: <Well, we need to clean the halls I suppose.>
IzrilRose: <Oh. Is that... all?>
Lordofflame69: <I don't know what else [Maid] do.>
IzrilRose: <Perhaps you could suggest something for a [Maid] to do. Something not mundane and boring.>
Lordofflame69: <OH. You meant something like>
IzrilRose: <Yes>
Lordofflame69: <Something sexual>
IzrilRose: <Yes, that is rather the point I would think.>
Lordofflame69: <Well, after you clean the halls...>
IzrilRose:  <Yes?>
Lordofflame69: <Come to my chambers, and polish my scepter.>
IzrilRose: <Right away, M'lord.>
IzrilRose: <I enter your chambers shortly, and am wearing my finest uniform, although the skirt has risen scandolously high. I must have altered it against dress codes.>
IzrilRose: <"I'm here for your sceptor, M'lord?>
Lordofflame69:<I stand in my chambers, resplete in my glory. I have golden hair, and many muscles, and two legs and two arms. "Yes." I say.>
Lordofflame69:<I have great need of your skillful hands. You can see the state of my scepter. It is gone too long without proper maintenance.>
IzrilRose: <"I'd better get to work right away!" I say, and begin gently spreading polish along the length of your lordly instrument.>
Lordofflame69: <Yes, that's good work. Be sure to pay proper attention to the round part on the end. That's the most important, it must shine perfectly.>
IzrilRose:<I smile as I polish the full length of your scepter. Suddenly, I accidentally knock over the gold polish! "Oh no!">
IzrilRose:<There's polish all over the floor, and your clothes, and my clothes.>

Ressa grimaced as Magnolia typed, peering over her shoulder.

"This is an enormous slur on my professional conduct." she protested.
"Shush." Magnolia shushed.

Lordofflame69: <Ressa, you'd better clean this up.>
IzrilRose:<"I'm sorry, M'lord! We'll have to get out of these dirty clothes, and I can take care of this mess." I say, as I hurriedly unbutton my dress.>
Lordofflame69: <What do you look like?>
IzrilRose: <Oh. I'm wearing a maid outfit, and have pink hair. I
Lordofflame69: <I meant, you, in reality. I found that you can use this messenger to take an image as well. May I see you?>

"Ara ara," Magnolia Ara-araed.

IzrilRose: <So forward.>
Lordofflame69: <If I've misstepped my bounds, forgive me, but your hygienic ministrations have given me great cause to stir. I beg you, let me look upon you.>

Magnolia considered this, then grinned a smile.

"Ressa~"
She reached out and lifted the hem of Ressa's skirt, barely lifting it enough to see the start of her garter's before her hand was slapped away.
"I wholeheartedly refuse."

Magnolia sighed theatrically. "I guess it's down to me, then. I'll have to come up with something titillating, but not too scandalous."

Magnolia arranged herself on her seat, lounging comfortably, with her legs crossed up over the arm of the chair. She undid one button on her blouse, and hiked up her dress to reveal a perfectly calculated amount of thigh.

"Alright, Ressa, take the picture."

"Magnolia, I think I've had enough of a part in this digital tryst as it stands."

"Fine, then I suppose I'll have to take it at arm's length. If he finds it gauche, I shall cry, Ressa. That will be your fault."

"That's fine by me." Ressa said matter-of-factly.

Magnolia opened a paper fan to hide her face, then activated her [Flawless Selfie] skill, previously hidden, but ever waiting for its opportunity to shine.

She double-checked it, then sent it.

Lordofflame69: <Yes, this is very good.>
IzrilRose: <I'm glad you enjoy it, but now you have me at a disadvantage, because I've not yet seen you.>
Lordofflame69:  <Oh, yes. I'll take a picture. One moment.>

Teriarch set the phone down, and summoned his illusory human form. This was dignified, regal, quite amazing, really, but he felt he needed something based, more primal, more romantic.

He began adjusting it, dialing back the age. He removed the shirt from his illusion.

"Hmm... How many abs did humans have?"

He added a couple of extra abs to be safe, and added a streak of blue to the hair for that exotic look.

"My eyes are too easy to identify." He noted, and added a pair of black-tinted glasses over them. This somehow made his avatar look even hotter.

"Yes. Perfect." he said.

His avatar lifted the phone at arm's length, and took a photo.

"Now I hit... send?" He tapped at the phone, and awaited a response.

IzrilRose:<WHAT>
Lordofflame69: <Ah, stunned by my looks, are we, my little coquette?>
IzrilRose:<TERIARCH?!>
Lordofflame69:<What. No. Who is that?>
Lordofflame69:<Wait, who are you?>
IzrilRose:<TERIARCH, YOUR PHOTO DOESN'T CAPTURE YOUR ILLUSION.>

Claws trembling, Teriarch backed out of the app to check his gallery. His latest photo was on the top, and showed, quite clearly, a golden dragon in a cave, making a duck-face.

Lordofflame69:<That was a joke. Dragons are extinct, haha.>
Lordofflame69:<Wait.>
Lordofflame69:<You said "Teriarch." Do I know you?>
IzrilRose has left the chat session.

Teriarch stared down at the phone in his claws.

"That... that was Magnolia, wasn't it?"

The next few hours were spent rather awkwardly by both parties. Teriarch debated calling up Magnolia to confirm, but thought better of it. Magnolia deleted the Ember app from the phone and hid it in a drawer somewhere. Neither ever spoke of it to each other again. Eventually, things calmed down a bit.



Much later, in the Reinhart estate, Ressa sighed and sipped her tea as she leaned back in her chair.

"I'd like to hope that we've learned a valuable lesson today." She said, rather matter-of-factly.

Magnolia nodded, adjusting her lace headpiece. "Yes, this has all been rather informative of the dangers of anonyminity."

Ressa frowned down at her.

"I don't remember telling you to stop."