Uh-hmmm

Mistakes Were Made (RGRE) (One shot)

Apr 24th, 2017
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  1. > Be Twilight Sparkle, at your makeshift podium of books
  2. > You have gathered together the various elements of ...
  3. > "It is this the part where I say my first name and what addiction I have?"
  4. > Awkwardness
  5. "No Anon, but you are on the right track. Welcome to the weekly ABLB meeting, where we help each other figure out how to be appropriately social."
  6. > "The Great and Sensual Trixie does not see why she is here, and she also wonders what ABLB stands for."
  7. > Patience, Sparkle
  8. > If you beat them within an inch of their life, it won't make for a good friendship letter
  9. "No speaking in the third person, Trixie. And as for what it stands for..."
  10. > You look at your note card
  11. > You might not have thought this through completely
  12. "The Association of the Blind Leading the Blind."
  13. > Starlight nods seriously
  14. > "Fitting."
  15. > You clear your throat and address your three associates
  16. "So! Does anyone have a social interaction they feel could have gone better? It could be a little thing, if that makes you comfortable."
  17. > Everypony glances around, waiting
  18. > Anon sighs and raises his hand
  19. > "Alright, I'll go first. The other day, I was patting Apple Bloom on the back as thanks for helping me pick up my groceries, and she seemed to like it. Then I went to scratch right behind her ears, and-"
  20. > You shudder and scrunch hard just imagining it
  21. > Anon smiles in relief
  22. > "Yeah, that, you get it. What's up with that?"
  23. > You exhale slowly, trying to calm down and think
  24. "It's like... Anon, you are from a predator species, right? Claws and sharp teeth?"
  25. > Anon looks dubiously as his finger claws
  26. > "Let's just say yes, and get to the point."
  27. > You don't like the way Starlight is eyeing the only stallion in the group
  28. "Right, so scratching is a normal part of your social behavior. But ponies don't have claws or sharp teeth, so our social behavior is more... rubbing, leaning on each other, that sort of thing."
  29. > Anon frowns, but nods slowly
  30. > "Alright, so the patting was okay. Is there anything else I could do to show gratitude?"
  31. > Trixie waves her hoof in the air
  32. > "The Great and Insightful Tr-"
  33. > You glare at her
  34. > She coughs, and continues
  35. > "That is to say, I believe I have a suggestion."
  36. > You beam at her, happy at how quickly she caught on to how the meeting should go
  37. > Trixie smiles a little
  38. > "Suck her clit."
  39. > Your heart sinks, while Anon tilts his pure, pure head
  40. "Trixie!"
  41. > She jolts in her seat, look at you with wide eyes
  42. > "Oh, is Apple Bloom a stallion? I mean, you could suck his cock, and I could watch, but just getting him flowers or some other colty thing should be fine."
  43. > You grit your teeth
  44. "Trixie, Apple Bloom is a mare, and that would not be appropriate. She just got her cutie mark a few months ago."
  45. > The showmare stares in confusion
  46. > "But that's the first time a stallion sucked my clit, right about then."
  47. > Normalnagsgetthehayout.neigh
  48. > As you struggle to explain why that isn't a good standard to go by, Anon makes a sigh of realization
  49. > "I get it, I'd be the older woman sucking his dick. Um, if we were gender switched or whatever. Seems like a big favor, just for helping pick up groceries."
  50. > Oh no, Trixie the Trixie is corrupting him!
  51. > Starlight hesitantly raises her hoof
  52. > You turn to her with desperate hope in your eyes
  53. > Salvage this, my apprentice
  54. > She gives you a quick smile
  55. > "What about, promoting her within your secret organization to overthrow the status quo?"
  56. > There is no hope
  57. "Starlight, do you currently have, or are you preparing such a secret organization?"
  58. > She looks at you with uncertainty
  59. > "Not counting this one?"
  60. > You sigh
  61. "Not counting this one."
  62. > "Then no, not anymore."
  63. > You raise an eyebrow
  64. "Anymore? Do I need to feed you more hayburgers to fill you with the light of Equestrian Capitalism?"
  65. > Starlight Glimmer smiles uneasily
  66. > "No?"
  67. > Right
  68. > You turn back to Trixie and Anon, who seemed to have been whispering while you were distracted
  69. > You feel you should be worried
  70. > You are worried
  71. "What did you two come up with?"
  72. > Anon smiles, innocence twinkling in his eyes
  73. > "The proper amount of thanks is showing her a little ball cleavage. Reminds me, I'm going to have to get a ball bra sometime."
  74. > ...
  75. > Does that mean he's not wearing one right now?
  76. > You try not to stare at his crotch
  77. > Why are his shorts so baggy and tantalizing?
  78. > Maybe if you tilt your head, you can look up his-
  79. > Trixie coughs, wearing a knowing smile
  80. > That bitch knows too much
  81. > You shake your head and smile sharp, pointy friendship knives at her
  82. "Moving right along then, do you have something to share? Some mistake you made?"
  83. > Trixie tosses her mane over her shoulder and sticks out her chest, prominently displaying her tuft
  84. > Trotting on thin ice, mare
  85. > "The Great- ah, rather, I didn't make any mistakes, yet for some reason mares are unreasonably hostile towards me."
  86. > You roll your eyes
  87. > Starlight licks her lips, obviously trying to put it delicately
  88. > "Perhaps it is because you pose like a marewhore and hit on everypony's coltfriends?"
  89. > Your apprentice lacks subtlety, yet she hasn't said anything wrong, exactly
  90. > Trixie looks startled at the implication
  91. > "I, a marewhore? It's not as though I steal coltfriends, except that one time in Baltimare, oh, and Fillydelphia, and hmm. But I only rut the good-looking ones, so it's fine."
  92. > Anon looks around at the group, from your raised hackles, to Starlight's cold stare, to Trixie's artificially voluminous tuft
  93. > He gets this goofy smile that makes you want to hug him and push him down to your tea-
  94. > That is, it make him look cute
  95. > "Are you serious? Little miss vainglory here is supposed to be a man-eater, or lady-killer, or whatever?"
  96. > You feel a little better at the disbelieving tone in his voice
  97. > Starlight nods
  98. > "Trixie's always get the colts, even when they are jerks."
  99. > Anon is grinning at the marewhore
  100. > "Your name is an epithet for that sort of mare? That's amazing! Come on, seduce me, I dare you!"
  101. > You start to feel you are losing control of the meeting
  102. "Now, none of that, we-"
  103. > Trixie grins back at him
  104. > "I like a stallion with spirit. Why don't we go back to my room, and I can show you how my hold on you is tight and powerful?"
  105. > Poor Anon is lost to his coltish whimsy, giggling at the vulgar pick up line
  106. > "A stallion with spirit! Oh, my sides."
  107. > Starlight trots up to him, a hopeful expression on her face
  108. > No, don't do it
  109. > "Hey Colt, are you a salt mine? Because I can lick your rocks all day."
  110. > You groan, scrunching hard
  111. > This was a mistake
  112. > No matter how much Anon is laughing, this was a mistake
  113. > Then you hear his voice
  114. > "Come on, Twilight, you give it a try."
  115. > You stare at him blankly
  116. > Is he serious?
  117. > He's smiling at you
  118. > The girls are looking at you expectantly
  119. > Oh no, you aren't prepared for this, you are a nice mare!
  120. > Think, make a pun about dicks or slits!
  121. > Why is it so hard?
  122. > Oh, maybe that will work...
  123. > You swallow nervously
  124. "I always make things too hard, when I talk to stallions."
  125. > You grin uneasily
  126. > Anon rocks back in his chair, groaning
  127. > "Oh, that was terrible,"
  128. > Your ears flatten and your heart drops like a rock
  129. > "You win, nothing can top that."
  130. > What?
  131. "What?"
  132. > Anon smiles at you, a healing smile
  133. > "A pick up line's effectiveness is proportional to the terribleness of the pun. You win."
  134. > What?
  135. > Really?
  136. > You scramble for a quill and parchment, you need to write this down!
  137. > "Hey Twilight."
  138. > You glance up at Anon
  139. "Yes?"
  140. > "Thanks."
  141. > He pulls one of the legs of his shorts to the side
  142. > Your mind and magic halt, transfixed
  143. > You have seen the Holy Grail
  144. > Trixie nods
  145. > "That's right Anon, just like that."
  146. > Today you have learned that sometimes, even Trixies can be a true sis
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