Thread 58: Stories 31-45

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>Day Guard
"Night Guard"
'???'
~~~~

The Royal guard adjusted his sterling golden armor, casting an almost sad glance to the Night guard who stood before him.

>Ugh.

"Yes. Ugh. Ugh indeed."

>It's really happening, isn't it?

"As we speak. Happening."

>Happening...

"...They've won."

>Don't say that! We can still pull back!

"It's happening! We can't stop the happening!"

>We have to believe it! What about all of our work!?

"Useless... useless."

>...Well, I mean, we were on the best sellers list for adult novels for three months in a row. I don't know if I'd call my new kitchen worthless.

"But what about the heart of it! They're taking our mares! She's having his kid RIGHT NOW!"

>We've gotta be strong, friend! We stuck it out through the big one, we stuck it out after being turned into a zombie-

"We weren't zombies, we didn't die."

>POINT IS! We didn't quit like all those other guys, and we're not quitting right now! WE ARE NOT GIVING UP!

"...You know what? You're right! Who cares if Glimmer is lost! She may be giving birth right now, but-"

'GLIMMER'S GIVING BIRTH!?'

Slowly, very slowly, they looked over to the new presence they had missed.

A changeling.

A very, very shocked looking changeling.

'OH MY GOSH! I'VE GOT TO TELL EVERYONE!'

With that, they left.

>...Say, uh, did you say the nightguard was going to visit?

"I did say that."

>...H-how many changelings are going to go see?

"Maybe not all of them?"

>...

"...Whoops."

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>Applejack
"Cadence"
~~~~

>So....

"So..."

>...Ya' really get sick?

"Oh yes, terribly."

>Huh. Ya' think you'll get over it when it's yer' time?

"...My time? What do you mean?"

>Ya' know, when Shiny finally slips one past the goalie and-

"NOPE!"

>...

"..."

>...N-nope?

"Nope!"

>...Just nope?

"Nope!"

>So, uh, did ya' discuss this with-

"NOPENOPENOPENOPE!"

>...

"..."

>...

"...Nooope."

>Oh... kay. Guess it ain't mah' business.

"I should say not!"

>...Ah'm gonna scooch a bit over here.

"You do that... you do that..."

>...

"...nope..."

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>Guard 1
"Guard 2"
~~~

Being one of only a barely hoof-full guards left, of course the two positioned in front of a door couldn't leave their positions.

No matter how much they wanted to.

>....So.... Glimmer's having her baby, apparently.

"Already? Isn't that, like, way early?"

>Yep.

"Soooo... this confirm it isn't his?"

>Nope. Apparently got caused by that whole thing when she got taken over.

"...How?"

>Don't ask me.

"Huh..."

>Rest of the guard are heading over there to give her some well wishes.

"Neat. We can't."

>Nope.

"Too bad..."

Like the thunder of the worlds most turbulent storm, it came. A rumble that would have put the mightiest earthquake ever to shame, and a flurry of bodies that would give even Pinkie pause.

They rushed past, a sea of changelings chittering to themselves, nothing but a wall of black as they made their way to the hospital wing. It took far, far longer than it should have, before the final one crossed their vision, and the rumbling gradually faded.

>...Not THAT bad.

"Yeah, not that bad."

>...we're going to miss out on all the fun.

"I know..."


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>Vekir
"Guard"

"Excuse me."

>Mmph.

"Excuse me..."

>Mmhmmhmmhmph.

"Please stop biting my tail."

>Mmphmph.

"...why do you need to?"

>Mmhmphmphmphmmmmmph.

"Oh, you heard about the birth too?"

>Mmhmph!

"But you don't know where the hospital wing is?"

>Mmph!

"...you know you could just follow us, right? We aren't going that fast."

>...mmphmph.

"Oh...huh, never really had someone call me delicious before...thanks?"

>Mmphmphmph!

CHOMP!

"OW! NO! DO NOT WANT!"

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 >Spike
“56”
~~~~

Caught up in watching the uproar of a hospital gone crazy, Spike failed to notice his company in the waiting room until they plopped down next to him.

>Oh, what’s up, Five-Six?

“Nothin’ much, Spee to the Ike. Just nommin’ some marshmallows.”

>…What’s a marshmallow?

56 extended his hoof, the holes of which were filled with the doughy-soft treat.

“It’s the name of these things. The real name. Not what my sister made up ‘cause she couldn’t pronounce it right.”

>…oh. Oh, right! Ha! Haaaa, yeah... it’s been so long since I heard the proper name I almost forgot it.

“I can see that. I forget stuff all the time, like who my mom was or where I came from for example.

Spike snorted.

>You said that with far too much coolness, El-Vee-Eye.

“Was that… did you just say my name in roman numerals…?”

>I am that out of it, yes.

“Huh. Cool!”

>Yuuup. So… is Two really your sister?

“Close enough to the definition, yeah?”

>Eh, good ‘nuff for me.

“…”

>…

“..her butt is kinda small.”

>I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT!”

“‘Cause you’re my bro.”

>…

“Guess you can’t get in t’see Batbooty either, eh?”

>Tried. Only princess's allowed.

“Drats. Hopes this goes alright for her…”

>Me too, brother. Me too.

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>Applejack
~Changelings~
-Guards-
~~~

>...Sooooo...

She looked to the left, regarded the giant mass of guards.

To the right, the giant mass of changelings.

>...Sooooo...

-You guys are stuffing up the lobby!-

~Us!?~

~At least we aren't stinking up the lobby!~

-HAH! You bug monsters smell terrible!-

~You smell worse!~

-How do you figure!?-

~Sweat glands and fur that holds in dirt and grime!~

-...Yeah, well... stuff sticks to your skin!-

~And then we fwoosh it away, because we can affect how we smell to.~

-...FUCK YOU!-

~HEY! CHILDREN PRESENT!~

-There are not!-

~There's gonna be! That's the whole point of all this!~

-That's stupid!-

~You're stupid!~

-Don't call him stupid!-

-Yeah!-

~Fine, I'll call you stupid!~

As the rabble descended into shouts, Applejack simply slumped down in her chair.

Lower.

and lower.

>...Eeeyup.

~YOUR MOTHER!~

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 >13
"Changeling"
~~~

>...Was this necessary?

"Do you mean locking you in this room, chaining you to the wall, pouring concrete over your hooves, placing attack dogs just outside, lining the rooftops with snipers, placing landminds along the hallway, or taping a bomb to your neck to go off if you reach the hospital?"

>...Any of that. Let's go with any of that.

"Yes."

>...Fair enough.

"..."

>....

*BOOM!*

>...

"In hindsight, the dogs and landmines together was poor planning on our end."

>Little bit.

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Strawman Anon"
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and the 4th wall is non-existant. Now for our main guest...ANON!!!

"So did I finally go to Equ-"

>No. Also don't take a seat yet.
Spreads a bunch of Legos on the floor and proceeds to knock Anon on to them.

"Owwwww wh-"

>That one story you wrote was absolutely terrible! Now it's canon and you can't take it back!

"Which story was it?"

>You know exactly which story. The question for tonight is WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

>It wasn't and I'm reminding you that we're all stuck with it!

"I'm sor-"

>Just wake up!
A flower pot falls on Anon's head and Anon wakes up in bed.

"...which story was she- oh it was that story. Okay I kind of deserved that."

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>Applejack
"Pinkie"
'Dash'
[Fluttershy]
(Rarity)
{Cadence}
~Changelings~
-Guards-
~~~

>Ah' feel like the tenuous relationship between these guys is breaking down.

~What's the matter tin pony, afraid they'll catch on to how much better we can please your wives?~

"They had a relationship before? Look, AJ, I'm the pony that thinks everyone should be friends, and even I don't see it."

-You know what? We're not all that worried! Realizing that no matter what you turn into, you'll always look like THAT underneath is turn-off enough to make a nymphomaniac doubletake!-

'Hey, on the positive side, nobodies thrown a punch.'

~Yeah, we'll always look like this, but you know what? I bet that doesn't hurt as much as knowing we'll only look like you if we feel like asking "What would it be like to be the ugliest pony in the world today?"~

[Yet... oh dear.]

-If you want to know what it feels like, it feels like nobody gives you a job, you're stuck in a small room because nobody wants you around them, and dependent on your mother to feed you because nobody else loves you!-

-OHHHHHHHH!-

(Cadence? Darling? Do you want to handle this?)

{...How.}

>Ah' figured ya'd just do yer' love thing.

{Ignoring that my magic isn't working right now, you do realize that would supercharge half of this, right?}

>...Oh, right.

~Wow, sounds like someone's still sore we beat their ass blue!~

-We weren't ready!-

~You were specifically prepared for an invasion! Our Queen gave you a fucking HEADS UP WE WERE COMING AND WHEN! How, oh dear hivemind HOW WERE YOU NOT READY!?~

-...FUCK YOU! That's how!-

>...So, anyone else hopin' the baby gets born a liiiiitttle bit faster than it should?

"APPLEJACK! That's horrible!"

>...

"...But yes."

'Yep.'

[Um, yes.]

(Oh yes.)

{It's just trashtalk.}

-Your mother!-

~THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER!? I'LL CUT YOU!~

{...I mean yes.}

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>Twilight
"Celestia"
'Bat-mom'
[Dadling]
~~~

>Is... is this normal?

"Twilight, I challenge you to find a single facet of this pane of crazy that could in any way shape or form be considered normal. One."

>...I just meant is this specific action she is doing normal?

"Oh... you mean the-"

*WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM*

'I HATE THIS SOOOOO MUCCCCHHHHH!'

[GLK!]

"-thing? With her inexplicably able to slam him into a wall?"

>That.

"Actually? Surprisingly no. I know this is a pretty common thing in most comedies, but it's very rare to see someone actually gain superstregnth out of rage."

>Huh... is that bad?

"Not entirely?"

'ARRGGHHH!'

"...For everyone BUT him, I mean."

[GLK!]

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>SA
"2"
'Shiny's brain'
~~~

She was going to snap his spine clean in half, he swore.

Just one bad bounce and clean in twain it goes

And yet... he couldn't bring himself to stop her from bouncing on his back.

"OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSSSHHHHHH! EEEEEEEEE! C-CAN I HUG IT!? I PROMISE I'LL BE EXTRA EXTRA SUPER DUPER MEGA MARCHMALLEY SOFT CAREFUL!"

>We'll see.

"CAN I NAME IT!?"

>No, you cannot name the baby.

"BUT I GOTTA LOTTA GREAT SUGGESTIONS!"

>Sorry, parents get to name the baby.

"Fine! Then I'll jus' go get my own baby and then I get ta' name it!"

'...Oh dear, that's a rather crushing feeling in my chest. And I am suddenly hungry for shotguns.'

>You uh... you have to wait until you're older.

"RATS!"

>Language

"RATS IS A ANIMAL, IT AIN'T A BAD WORD!"

>Fair enough.

She did not stop bouncing entirely, but she did mercifully switch to mostly slow hops.

"...So, what're ya' gonna name yer' baby?"

'...Heart? HEART!? MAYDAY MAYDAY HEART IS DOWN! HEART IS DOWN! OH GOD! IT'S ALL BURNING! IT'S ALL BURRRNINNG!'

>...What baby?

"Ya' know, when you and Caddy have a baby!"

'OH SWEET CELESTIA MAKE IT STOP! HELP! TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER! I LOOOOVVEE HEEEERRRRRR!'

>Did... Did Cadence say something about that?

"Nooo! I mean when ya' finally do... whatever it is ya' do, and then Caddy get's pregnant and SHE gets a baby!"

>Oh! Oh, scared me. Well, Two, that's a long, long time away.

"Why?"

>....We're just not ready for a kid right now.

"..."

>ANOTHER kid, to clarify.

"Oh..."

>...Is this a problem? Most kids don't want to have to share with another baby.

"Well... I mean, I'm not worried! I'm used ta' sharing! I had ta' share my whole life!"

>Well, now you don't have to.

"I know I don't have ta'... but I wouldn't be mad if I had ta'."

He came to a stop, standing awkwardly while shifting from hoof to hoof.

>Well, we're not planning to have another kid anytime soon, so sorry.

"Oh... okay."

>...

"...Can I name it when ya' do have one?"

>I think Cadence has dibs on that, she'll be the one having it IF she decides to go through with it.

"Awww!"

>...But I'm sure IF she eventually decides to do it, she'll hear your suggestions.

"YAY!"

>...So, what's with the sudden desire to no longer be an only child?

He couldn't see it, of course, but he felt her start to tap her hoof with her chin, and he could practically sense the thoughtful tongue poking out the side of her mouth.

"...Cause I wanna be best big sister ever."

>Really?

"Yeah! I'd be great! I'd show them how ta' jump, and eat marchmalleys without burnin' nothin', and even how ta' fly!... If they gots wings, if they don't I'll fly 'em!"

>Heh... and you're not worried we'd like them more than you?

"NOPE!"

Her chin plopped down atop his head, nestling deeply into the mane.

"Cause yer' Shiny! Ah' don't know a lotta things Ah' don't know how ta' swim, Ah' don't know how they get the happy inside the marchmalleys, Ah' don't know how the cloud doesn't fall down, and Ah' don't know how many cakes Auntielestia can eat at once, but Ah' do know one thing!... Yer' Daddy! And Daddies don't like ya' less cause there's more than one."

'...You know what? Screw it. You just go ahead and implode, heart. This ones fine. It's all on you.'

"Whoever they're gonna be, they're the luckiest pony in the whole world... cause they've got the best daddy in the whole world too."

He paused there, frozen in this tiny blip of time, taken from the world as a whole to fully experience this one, singular, happy moment.

>...Y-yeah, guess they'd be extra lucky.

Softly, his head tilted up, rubbing her further into his mane.

>They'd have the best big sister in the whole world.

"YEP!"

>...But Cadence doesn't want another kid right now, so you'll have to wait.

"AWW!"

>Don't aww. Somethings... are worth the wait.

With that, he continued on. Towards the coming of a new life into this world.

Both of them.

Together.

"Why're all the guards there?"

>...Crud.

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 >DT
"Spike"
~~~~
>Spike, where is everypony? I've been trying to get an audience with the princesses for a while.

"They're busy trying to deliver a baby."

>Really?! Don't they have bigger more important nation related things to worry about?

"It's a special case. You know that nightguard that got pregnant with a changeling. It sounds like they're having complications."

>That doesn't mean they need all the fucking royals! We still have an understaffed military. Don't they care about the defense of equestria?

"Twilights trying to handle it and she could use their emotional support."

>Emotiona- fine. Well, if they're having birthing complications are they going to do a c-section?

"Uh...no."

>...why are all the adults so fucking stupid!?!

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 >18
"18's brain"
~~~

>Oh my gosh! Glimmer's having a baby! EEEEE!

"You don't even know who Glimmer is."

>No, but still! Baby! BABEEEEE! EEEEEE! BABIES ARE THE BEST!

"So, why don't you go look at it?"

>DAMN I want to, but someone has to actually do work today, we can't all have a 'OMIGOSHBABY' day!

"And of course, that someone is you."

>Damn straight it is!

"Not the one's who actually-"

>YOU SHUT YOUR BRAINHOLE! She said yes, sort of! SHE SAID YES!

"...well, hopefully it won't be you who has to handle this when you have a baby."

>HAH! That would be funny. "Hey! Guard! Hold this steady real quick, I need to finish these forms before tomorrow and- what's that? Push? Hold on, I'll try to pencil in some pushing on my lunchbreak!" HAHAHHAH!... Wait, can I have babies?

"...huh."

>Right? I'm non-ascended. No non-ascended female has ever had a baby.

"...huuuhhh..."

>Should... should I get that looked into?

"Jumping the gun a bit, eh?"

>Hey! I didn't say it was going to be Shiny's!

"Who's else would it be?"

>...Shut up.

"Well, I hope Cadence doesn't take it the wrong way. After all, she might get suspicious if you start asking around about-"

>WAIT A MINUTE!

"..."

>DAMN IT, DISCORD!

"..."

*POP!*

"Oh, drat."

>Why!?

"I'm bored and not permitted within fifteen hundred feet of the baby. I think Fluttershy still thinks I'm responsible for the twins, but I firmly think it's simply because Mrs Cake got some extra frosting on the side-"

>LEAVE!

"Spoilsport."

*FLOP!*

>...Damn it, now I'm thinking about it!

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>77
"88"
~~~

>Are you sure you're ready for this?

"No. You dragged me back. I'm not appreciative of this, by the way."

>I didn't drag you anywhere.

"No, you just 'happened to take a path that lead in front of the ballroom', like, six times."

>You didn't complain.

"Gee, maybe because I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING!"

>I'm to the left.

"I KNEW THAT!"

>Did you?

"...Shut up."

>Listen, you need to reconnect with your hive, and the only way to do this is to get in there, put on your best smile, and...

"...And what? WHAT!? Oh dear sweet hivemind it's quiet! IT'S QUIET OH NO THEY ALL DIED OR SOMETHING DIDN'T THEY!? DEATH AS FAR AS WE CAN SEE! OH I CAN SMELL IT! I CAN SMELL THE CORPSES OF MY POOR FALLEN-"

>Nobody's here.

"...But... but I smell..."

>...

"I thought living in a single space would allow us to at least do better with hygiene."

>Nobody wants to use a shower.

"...This place has a shower?"

>...Huh. Actually? No, I don't think so.... wow, that is a major design flaw, how did Applejack expect them to practice basic hygiene? Even prisoners get showers. I should probably make a note of that.

"So... where is everyone?"

>Hell.

"...I... I thought you said nobody was dead?"

>They're not. But since we have seen none scattered throughout the castle, every single changeling in the ballroom is now out and moving as a single force towards a location. No matter what that location may be, due to them all being there, it is now hell. End of story.

"...oh.... want to play ping pong?"

>How!?

"SUPER SENSES!"

>I don't think-

"SERVE!"

~~~~~

"CHEATER!"

>I haven't even served yet!

"...I KNEW THAT!"

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 >Blueblood
"Haymaker"
~~~

>...Where the devil is everyone?

"I don't... know..."

>...

"..."

>....

"...Want to race chairs?"

>...Yes.

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