WORLD SHOULD BE, PART 1

[https://soundcloud.com/splitsuns/world-should-be]
[The recent past is recalled for the benefit of the myriad...]
[Your name is JEFF MASON. It is NOT your birthday, but it's still a pretty cool day regardless. If you were to ask any of the people currently metaphysically peering over your shoulder what the date was, they'd likely say APRIL 13, 2020. This is ignoring the fact that your continuum of existence is scheduled to be unestablished on SEPTEMBER 1, 2016, but you can vibe. You've always vibed.]
[You currently hold the esteemed title of INTERROBANG, as you have for many months at this point. Your status is bequeathed on a TABLET that depicts your CURSE — the very symbol that gives you form. This power grants you ABILITIES BEYOND ALL MORTAL COMPREHENSION, including but not limited to the capability to RECALL THE RECENT PAST. You have no idea what any of that actually means though.]
[By which you mean that you TOTALLY know what ALL of that means, even though the aforementioned people peering over your shoulder might not.]
[You are in league with a group known as the ADVANCED SUPERIORS, a set of nine entities masquerading as PERFECTLY GENERIC HUMAN PEOPLE that are actually NINTH-DIMENSIONAL COLUMNS OF SMOKE, HATRED, AND METATEXTUAL ENERGY. Each of them is supported by a CURSE, exactly as you are, and each of them controls a different ELEMENTAL POWER. Their names are OCTOTHORPE, PILCROW, AMPERSAND, ASTERISM, BACKSLASH, OBELUS, CARET, DAGGER, and LOZENGE.]
PIONO: ...as a request to help keep things orderly Jeff, could we perhaps have a pair of signals by which we know when to stop talking, and when we can start again?
[Of course.]
[[x] for silence.]
[<0> for talking.]
[You are NOT a ninth-dimensional snake-person. You're just an ordinary human that stumbled ASS-BACKWARDS into what is essentially GODHOOD. Or maybe you should say GODHEAD. The former INTERROBANG, who WAS a snake-person, bequeathed his status onto you shortly before his death at the hands of the other NINE SUPERIORS. They had some... IDEOLOGICAL DISAGREEMENTS.]
[The ten of you act in service to THE OVERSEER, an entity existing outside of the normal bounds of FICTION and kept behind a GATE at THE ENDS OF THE EARTH, the boundaries of existence. Years prior, THE OVERSEER was slain by a man known only as THE SCRIBE, but his soul, itself a CURSE called the INTERPUNCT, was left intact. The SUPERIORS recovered it and used it to convene with THE OVERSEER from time to time, using him to create nefarious PROJECTS of their own. If you had to pick the most important one from out of a hat, you'd say... PROJECT BINARY. That sure was a TIME, wasn't it?]
[Not that it matters now. The INTERPUNCT was destroyed at the hands of THE OVERSEER's "son," a demon named BILL CIPHER, and his accomplice, a sentient egg named FLUMPTY BUMPTY. Now, MTT INDUSTRIES has eons of work, and not much to show for it. What's worse, you suspect that BILL is plotting to take control of FICTION and the CURSES that give it structure, making a party of his own that NEVER ENDS. Naturally, you CANNOT let this happen.]
[It would interfere with how the WORLD SHOULD BE.]
[...What? Blew my load too early there? Maybe.]
[Enough of a loredump. HOPEFULLY that brings you all up to speed.]
<0>
FRAN: Really? It just gets destroyed like that?
FRAN: Interpunct, I mean.
[If you'd like to read up on INTERPUNCT's destruction, check out BILL AND CIPHER'S EGGCELLENT ODDVENTURE.]
[BILL AND FLUMPTY'S. Shit.]
KARP: Question: Why should we trust you over, say, BILL CIPHER?
KARP: What if I'd like his party?
PIONO: Because Bill Cipher is trying to blow up reality
PIONO: Jeff's just trying to...
[Another, better world shall be / The fruit of our mysterious tree.]
[x]
[Currently, you are lounging in PROJECTION, the headquarters of the ADVANCED SUPERIORS. It's floating through THE VOID at an indeterminate rate. You could perfectly calculate it if you WANTED to, but THE VOID's spacetime anchoring is tricky at best and sticks the middle finger at any and everyone in range at worst. So again. You're vibing.]
[What.]
[Do you do?]
MONIKER: Vibe harder
[> Vibe harder]
FRAN: > Check for any sign of arms, metaphorical or otherwise
[You VIBE harder. You didn't even think it was POSSIBLE to vibe this hard. You vibe so much that your obsidian chair somehow turns into a recliner. You lean back a few feet. Ah, yes. THIS is the LIFE.]
EAGLE: >Figure out why we're here.
PIONO: >Do you ever wonder why we're here?
[> Check for any sign of arms, metaphorical or otherwise]
GRACIE: > Look directly into the camera and explain your dead body in Age Of
LEAH: > Ponder the FUCK out of the mysteries of the universe.
[One. Two. They're both here. Normal human arms, obscured by a DAPPER BLACK SUIT. You don't have any GLOVES obscuring your HANDS, but maybe you should invest in them someday. You've been told that they look ESPECIALLY cool for people that like SNAPPING THEIR FINGERS AND TRIGGERING IMMENSE CONFLAGRATIONS THAT COULD POTENTIALLY TURN SOME CHILDREN INTO CORPSES.]
CAA: > Hoot like a *gorilla* and scribble on your chair
BILL: > Wonder if you should get paid for this.
[> Figure out why we're here.]
MANIAC: > Realize you've been dead since 1907
[Well, there's not much to it. You're chilling in your headquarters. Really, this is what you normally do. As it stands, you're in the COUNCIL HALL. The other nine seats around the... ROUND table are empty. None of the other SUPERIORS are here currently. You suppose you could seek them out. Have a chat. Share some drinks. Shoot the shit. Slaughter an entire civilization.]
[> Look directly into the camera and explain your dead body in Age Of]
EAGLE: >What was your name again?
["Whoa. JeSUS. Sequence breaker much?" you say aloud.]
GRACIE: lmao i dont know what i expected. youre a real one jeff
GLOBAL: > Snap your fingers and see what happens
["In the interest of fairness, if I wanna talk to you guys, I'll enclose it quotes. I guess this means I'm literally saying it aloud," you say. "But like. It's to distinct it from narration. pleaseunderstand.jpeg."]
[> Ponder the FUCK out of the mysteries of the universe.]
[You ever wonder why Seinfeld is so popular? It's literally one of the cornerstones of sitcom culture and it's a show, fundamentally, about nothing. Jerry Seinfeld gets paid ludicrous amounts of money to talk about nothing and perform the most inane events, and then he gets celebrated for it. And the logo of his show gets printed on New York City metro cards that people are legally required to have, so that petty cops can nail people for hopping the turnstiles just to get around.]
GENERIC: >decıde to take a lıttle nap ın your chaır perfectly sızed for your lıttle body
[> Realize you've been dead since 1907]
[Oh yeah.]
[GAME OVER]
SPLIT: LOL
MODPACK: gg everyone
BILL NYE: well rip
GENERIC: that's weırd
[RETRY?] [> Y <] [N]
GRACIE: shouldnt that be 1907777777
BILL NYE: Y
MODPACK: >Y
BOMBER: Y
CRYSTAL: Y
CARLEAH: Y
GENERIC: >N
GRACIE: Y
MANIAC: oh
[> N <]
[Quitting game...]
BOMBER: Well shit.
TWELVE: hahaha
KARP: i am laughing way too hard right now
BOMBER: Pack it up everybody. Go home. Show's over.
DAGOTH: WHEN WILL YOU LEARN
EAGLE: Well boys, we did it. Another World Shall Be is no more.
PARADOX: THE END
GENERIC: lmao
MONIKER: Does this mean we get booted back to the main menu?
SPLASH: ...wait, jeff's been dead since 1907? I am out of this loop
NEDBEN: Anybody bring a time machine?
BOMBER: Another World Shall Be'nt
DAGOTH: THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES
[WELCOME TO PROJECT BINARY AI V 0.1.1.]
KARP: OH NO
CRYSTAL: OH FUCK
SPLIT: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????
MANIAC: oh
EAGLE: Oh goodness me.
BILL: Oh no not this agian
CAA: FUCK
CAA: > <0>
EAGLE: ...
CRYSTAL: OH FUUUUUCK
[Please input command.]
BOMBER: We're outside the simulation now.
SPLIT: /help
NET: uh oh
GENERIC: /resume
CRYSTAL: /help
[/help]
EAGLE: I feel it prudent to state I haven't the faintest fucking idea what all this is about.
BOMBER: /help 7777777
NET: here we go
NET: again
EAGLE: But let's go along anyway and see what happens.
[Did you know that I can change the sound of my voice?]
SPLIT: oh FUCK YOU
FRAN: Nice.
SPLIT: YOU ASSHOLE
SERPENT: /probect
[It's really easy. I can do literally anything. So of course I could do that.]
[Psyche.]
CONSUMER: ~~can we play another obelus again i loved that~~
[Anyway, uh. Where were we.]
[Oh yeah.]
[> /probect]
GRACIE: > find lozenge, play some table tennis with him to pass the time
[You contemplate activating the wild card in the sick game that is existence, but you shudder just THINKING about it. You, out of ANYONE, KNOWS the horrors involved in such a thing. You NEVER go full Probect. NEVER EVER EVER.]
BOMBER: >ask lozenge for a cough drop
DAGOTH: > give up on your responsibilities and play Dwarf Fortress all day
GENERIC: >take a lıttle nap ın a chaır perfectly sızed for your lıttle body
SERPENT: > Consider what the purpose of the Advanced Superiors is now that the Interpunct is gone and Project Binary is dead.
FRAN: > Practice social distancing with the Advanced Superiors.
GLOBAL: >Snap your fingers and see what happens.
[> Take a little nap in a chair perfectly sized for your little body.]
[You are just going to take... a little nap.]
[u _ u]
[zzz...]
HEZETOR: >consider the trappings of Fiction and how horrible your state of being is
[zzzzz......]
[zzzzz............]
[Then you wake up. You feel refreshed. Better than ever! Ready to take on the world!]
BOMBER: >Advanced Superiors: Enter
BILL NYE: > Look around for a very convinent walkthrough.
[> Snap your fingers and see what happens.]
NETPATHAM: >wake up from this horrible nightmare
["Sure, why not?" You SNAP your fingers.]
MODPACK: >bang out the tunes like neil
[x]
KARP: > Bring up all relevant information on Bill's last known whereabouts
EAGLE: >No no no, you're doing it wrong. You're supposed to *SNOP* your fingers.
[A small ball of KALEIDOSCOPIC FLAME materializes above your hand. It has a white core, and its trails flicker in every color of the—]
[> No no no, you're doing it wrong. You're supposed to *SNOP* your fingers.]
[Oh yeah.]
[*SNOP*]
[SWEET BRO and HELLA JEFF materialize to life in two of the other nine chairs around the COUNCIL HALL TABLE.]
[You aren't sure whether this is a good thing or a dreadfully horrible thing.]
EAGLE: >Much better. Now then, to business! ...which is what, exactly?
DAGOTH: > absorb SWEET BRO and HELLA JEFF
GRACIE: > promote sweet bro and hella jeff to joint stand-ins for pilcrow
[You quickly absorb SWEET BRO and HELLA JEFF into your being. It doesn't inflict much physical harm onto you. It just sort of tickles, really. No harm done.]
[You are absolutely certain that there are no possible side effects of doing such an ontologically detrimental procedure.]
["Anyway... I'm pretty sure I DID say that [x] meant "stop talking."]
["You definitely live up to the 'mob' part of 'reality-warping lynch mob.' And the 'reality-warping' part, I guess."]
[> Consider the trappings of Fiction and how horrible your state of being is.]
[You're WELL aware. THE OVERSEER... When he was still alive, practically everything he DID was because of how awful FICTION was. HE'd know better than anyone. HE was one of the people who helped create it. Near the DAWN OF TIME, he worked together with the nascent NARRATIVE and CONFLICT to shape a proper foundation to reality. He created the first universe, a SIMULATION of IMPARTATION designed to test the progression of civilizations. He built the TETROMINOES that laid the framework for THE SOURCE CODE OF REALITY. He assigned OWLS to watch over all DIMENSIONS. He constructed a FIRE that could create ANYTHING, and a GLITCH that could UNMAKE it.]
[But it's WRONG. It's ALL WRONG. You learned that early on.]
[> find lozenge, play some table tennis with him to pass the time]
[You know what? That's a good idea. It might be nice to catch up with the old crew.]
[You get out of your seat. How should you find LOZENGE?]
<0>
GRACIE: > call his name
SERPENT: > Call King's Crown and ask him for help in tracking Lozenge's Curse.
BILL: > You spawn one using a command
FRAN: > Call him on the phone?
SPLASH: > Check the medicine cabinet
CRYSTAL: > Speak of the serpent, and he shall appear. Say his Curse.
FRAN: > Like a normal person?
BOMBER: >Project lozenge's symbol into the sky with a big spotlight.
DAGOTH: > Pretend to be Lozenge to offend him enough to come find you
MANIAC: > Just be Lozenge smh
[FUCK. Not all at once. Holy shit.]
[> Just be Lozenge smh]
[AS IF. There's no way in HELL LOZENGE would ever submit to NONFICTIONAL control.]
[You, on the other hand...]
[...]
[> Call King's Crown and ask him for help in tracking Lozenge's Curse.]
HEZETOR: >realize that the distance between you and LOZENGE is only the distance you wish to put between the scenes where you are with them and where you aren't. As such reach them moving between the scenes.
[HARD pass. KING'S CROWN is a LAST RESORT type of deal, if you know what you mean. You only go to him if you have ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, *NO ONE* else to turn to. He's ruthless. He's fearless. He's never failed in a single one of his tasks. And also summoning him would be HIGHLY disproportionate to what you want to do, because LOZENGE is probably just a couple of rooms away.]
[You could walk there if you wanted to.]
[And you do.]
[> Call his name.]
["Hey, Lozenge! I know I just said I wanted to walk to you but it turns out I've caught a disease of terrible, horrible laziness and I'm just gonna shout your name."]
["Lozenge!"]
["Lozenge??"]
["...LOZENGE!"]
[...]
{...}
{◊}
KRA-KOOM.
[LOZENGE materializes on the table with a bolt of lightning. His PANTS are off. It seems as though he's CONCENTRATING on something, but you can't tell what, because his back is turned to you.]
[You have never been more grateful for something in your life.]
[You blink, and LOZENGE's pants are on.]
<0>
MODPACK: >ask lozenge to remove pants
BILL: > Get his attention
FRAN: > scream
KARP: > Tell Lozenge you're putting together a crew for a big score.
DAGOTH: > call him lasgana
GENERIC: tfwyouseelozengesunconfırmedgenıtals.png
EAGLE: >Tell Lozenge to put on some damn pants.
BOMBER: >Challenge him to a riveting game of TENNIS.
MANIAC: >Realize you found that hot
MODPACK: > be lozenge's pants
[x]
SPLIT: > ask lozenge if he's prepared for an unforgettable luncheon oh god dammit
[> be lozenge's pants]
[You are now LOZENGE'S PANTS.]
[If you were actually capable of sentient thought you would find it utterly hilarious how much this game went off the rails in such a short period of time. And by that you mean you'd want to bash your brains against a brick wall and then blow them out with a shotgun.]
[You hear something.]
["Lozenge," Interrobang says.]
["Yeah?" your unholy wearer says.]
["I think your pants just thought about a shotgun," Interrobang says.]
[You think you feel a tightness pressing against you decrease by a magnitude of a thousand.]
["Those motherfu—"]
[The point of you switches back to INTERROBANG because GOANNA has just burst through the wall.]
<0>
FRAN: > what
GRACIE: > ask him politely for your brother's safe return, failing that, kick his shiny metal ass
SPLIT: >ask goanna how he's been
BILL: > question why he exists
MANIAC: ((what the))
MODPACK: > observe goanna's pants
CRYSTAL: > Pull out shotgun.
[x]
GENERIC: >lament lack of delıcıous kool-aıd
[> observe goanna's pants]
HEZETOR: >move the courtain over this scene and get over with this
[GOANNA is not wearing any PANTS. He is an IMPOSSIBLY BEAUTIFUL AND HANDSOME ROBOT that is also THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF HOPE, JUSTICE, AND TRUTH. His limbs are unattached from his body like PERIDOT. Or RAYMAN. Or someone else whose limbs are unattached from their body.]
[More to the point, though, he's injured. Badly.]
[> Ask Goanna how he's been]
["Uh. Hey there, stranger," you say.]
[GOANNA spits out blood. Oil. Bloil. ...From his mouth. "Fuck off."]
[LOZENGE's eyes narrow. "Bite your tongue, automaton. You will not speak to the police of the cosmos that way."]
[Red lightning crackles from GOANNA's eyes. "FUCK. OFF."]
["I'm... I'm almost dead. I didn't think it was possible, but... I'm badly damaged."]
[LOZENGE hisses. "Impossible! It took the whole of us to seal you inside PROJECT LOTUS in the FIRST place! How can this be?!"]
[GOANNA mutters to himself. "He knows. They all know. Why... why don't you ask them?"]
[GOANNA's eyes flutter, and he falls to the table.]
["Adam... Mason... has to be... stopped..."]
[He makes no more moves.]
<0>
GENERIC: >ask goanna's unconscıous body for kool-aıd.
BILL: > Examine his wounds with carefull precision
FRAN: > Fuck off as requested. We're not barbarians, no?
LEAH: > Deck him with all the power your unicode symbol can manage.
EAGLE: >inspect Goanna's injuries. Can he be healed?
DAGOTH: > Kick him to make sure he’s dead
HEZETOR: >stop Adam, I know you need to move on from this, you need to stop yourself, you need to be free from the past.
KARP: > Assemble the Superiors!
LEAH: > Then investigate the body.
MONIKER: > Stop Adam Mason
MANIAC: >Get out your phone and play Angry Birds. You don't have time for this shit.
[x]
[> Get out your phone and play Angry Birds. You don't have time for this shit.]
[You spend SEVENTEEN MINUTES playing ANGRY BIRDS. You'd forgotten how fun this was!]
[Then you remember how cool SUPER HEXAGON is. Remember SUPER HEXAGON? That shit was the best, I just redownloaded it today too. The music's awesome, I was such a fan of chiptune back in the day even though I've kinda moved on now. But still. The gameplay is so addicting, it's great! And by that I mean it makes me want to snap my phone in half, douse both halves in gasoline, light them on fire, and then chuck them into an active volcano. Didn't Krakatoa just erupt again or something?]
[It suddenly occurs to you that playing a game about HEXAGONS might be sacrilege, so you stop.]
[> Stop Adam Mason.]
[That's... complicated.]
CAA ceased responding to memo.
[ADAM MASON is... many things. For one, he's your brother. Technically. A while ago, the ADVANCED SUPERIORS accidentally RETCONNED FICTION by messing with the prior INTERROBANG's powers. Part of that brought APERTURE SCIENCE into UNIVERSE B — EARTH — and a lot of its employees along with it. Including YOU.]
[But it ALSO ripped ADAM from NONFICTION and into FICTION. Again. Technically. But still.]
[There's also the more pertinent matter that ADAM MASON is the creator of DESTROY THE GODMODDER 2: OPERATOR and MEANWHILE IN THE FUTURE, and therefore, the force that allows you to exist.]
[> Examine his wounds with carefull precision.]
[SOMETHING sure as hell did a number on GOANNA. Multiple holes are ripped clean through his torso, and all of his limbs have sustained damage as well. Bloil pools around the spot where he fell, and sparks still fly from the exposed wiring.]
[> Truth Bullet obtained! (Goanna's Body) <]
[...]
[You're going to ignore that.]
[> Fuck off as requested. We're not barbarians, no?]
[Fair enough. You move away from GOANNA's body and sigh.]
[LOZENGE speaks up.]
["Interrobang... What do you know of this?"]
[What DO you know?]
<0>
FRAN: > Erase self.
GENERIC: >Skıp to the class trıal and execute Adam Mason.
DAGOTH: > jack Shifr
MODPACK: > 11037
EAGLE: >Do I look like I know?
DAGOTH: > by Jack Shifr I meant jack shit
MANIAC: >Say "bitch please"
GRACIE: > recall ADAM'S recent past
KARP: > Say something about Ephemeralquest.
ETERNITIES: > Demand to be referred to solely as ‽
GLOBAL: > L o t s o f t h i n g s...
[> 11037]
SPLASHCAT: > jack shifr. double down.
["11037," you say.]
[LOZENGE looks like he wants to strip you into the seventeenth dimension and pull out all of your teeth.]
[He takes your truth bullet and fires it into the table.]
[> Say something about Ephemeralquest.]
[You neatly and plainly recap EPHEMERALQUEST for LOZENGE.]
["Okay, so GOANNA over here captured ADAM because he put GOANNA inside PROJECT LOTUS," you say.]
["But *we* did that," LOZENGE says.]
["He did it *first.* We finished the job. He was in danger of escaping otherwise. Could have posted on DTG2 at any time and disrupted the machine's effects. We had to wait until the game finished and ensure stability."]
["Ah."]
NET: > Be interrupted by the reality-warping swarm of voices because you forgot to [x].
[...x]
["Anyway. Goanna captured Adam and made his own off-budget Lotus, locking him inside his own head with his own issues. A lot of the things he encountered were projections made by his own mind, but some things were real. The important part is he overcame a lot of trauma and somehow combined with the remnants of Split that were left inside of him."]
["It was pretty wild, you should just read the comic yourself if you want the whole story."]
["Oh! And I'm in it! An off-brand mental duplicate of me, but... suspiciously accurate, really."]
["I see," LOZENGE says. "Is it finished?"]
["Are you kidding? You really expect Adam to FINISH a story??"]
[LOZENGE's eyes narrow. You feel like he really wants to chuckle, but that would be a detriment to his facade of NOT GIVING A SHIT. You still aren't totally sure HOW deep that facade goes, but it seems impenetrable to you.]
["Come to think of it," you say. "Rumors are that Split's going through something similar, too."]
["Oh?" Lozenge says.]
["Yeah. No clue how canon the reports are, but I guess we'll have to wait and see, eh?"]
[LOZENGE looks at GOANNA. "None of that explains Goanna's presence here, though. Adam must have escaped the lotus and defeated him, but how? Reforming with his original self would allow him to do such a thing?"]
[...You aren't sure how much you should say.]
["I'll have to look into it further," you finally say. It's a good thing LOZENGE can't see your eyes behind your glasses.]
["Fair enough," LOZENGE says. "Thank you for the report, as impromptu as it may have been. Now, uh..."]
[LOZENGE adjusts his belt buckle.]
["Why did you summon me in the first place, actually?"]
<0>
FRAN: > Eat hot chip and lie.
DAGOTH: > “I love you lozenge”
KARP: > I'm putting together a crew for a big score.
BOMBER: >TENNIS. FOR. TWO.
CRYSTAL: > TENNIS. FOR. TWO.
SPLIT: >for a rousing game of TENNIS FOR TWO, of course
BILL: > because for plot reasons?
EAGLE: >So are we just going to leave Goanna's... corpse, I think, lying there?
SPLASH: > TENNIS. FOR. TWO.
ETERNITIES: > TENNIS. FOR. TWO.
LEAH: (( "table tennis for two. SQUARE UP." ))
[> TENNIS. FOR. TWO.]
HEZETOR: >leave it behind, Adam the incident was years ago.
BOMBER: >Play Tennis For Two on Goanna's Corpse.
LEAH: (( w ))
PARADOX: >hum the symphony impossible to play
["Well, Lozenge. I want to play a game."]
[x]
[LOZENGE sighs. "You do realize that Waluigi is going t—"]
[WALUIGI bursts through the wall.]
[WAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! WALUIGI HAS GRADUATED FROM THE PLAYER, TO THE REFEREE!!! FEAST YOUR EYES!]
[WAIT... WHERE *IS* WALUIGI?]
["That information is classified," Lozenge says. He shunts WALUIGI into the second dimension and flings him back through the wall.]
[You hear his screams disintegrate into nothingness.]
["He'll be fine," LOZENGE says. "You can't keep down the man at number one."]
[You nod.]
CRYSTAL: > Resist urge to shout 'OH YEAH.
CRYSTAL: OOPS
[> So are we just going to leave Goanna's corpse lying there?]
["So are we just going to leave Goanna's corpse lying there?" you ask.]
[LOZENGE scratches his head. "He's certainly too powerful to leave behind. But too important to incinerate. I suppose he shall be thrown into the vault for now. At some point soon I will summon a formal meeting to discuss this "ephemeral quest," Lozenge says.]
["Ephemeralquest," you say.]
["Ephemeral quest," Lozenge says.]
["Ephemeralquest."]
["Ephemeral quest."]
["It's one word. Seriously. Ephemeralquest."]
["...Ephemeral-quest??"]
["Fine."]
[You lightly tap GOANNA's inert body with your fist. He crumples up into a metafictional sphere that you slip inside your POCKET, where it WILL NOT FALL OUT OR BE HARMED IN ANY WAY.]
[Looks like you're heading for the VAULT. Or, *A* VAULT, anyway.]
<0>
FRAN: > Make out with Lozenge. You know you want to.
ETERNITIES: > "As I was saying. TENNIS FOR TWO. You and me. ◊ and ‽."
DAGOTH: > siphon some of Goannas power for yourself
BILL: > Head to the vault with so much panic
NEDBEN: > Better vault Goanna before it becomes a problem.
CRYSTAL: > Resist urge to shout 'OH YEAH'.
GENERIC: >ask Lozenge for some refreshıng kool-aıd.
BOMBER: >Captchalogue Goanna's steaming corpse.
[> Resist urge to shout "OH YEAH."]
[You fail, completely and utterly, to resist the urge.]
["OH YEAH!" you shout.]
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
[ ]
[Nothing happens.]
LEAH: (( > Fashion Goanna into a tennis racket. ))
SPLASH: > But no-one came.
EAGLE: >Fail to die of embarrassment.
[> Make out with Lozenge. You know you want to.]
[You really, REALLY don't.]
NET: >Fail to succeed at failing
[Now, AMPERSAND, on the other hand...]
DAGOTH: > practice self love
[(the joke is they all look identical except for eye color)]
SPLASH: I was going to say
[x]
[> Ask Lozenge for some refreshing kool-aid.]
["By the by, Lozenge. Do you happen to have any refreshing Kool-Aid that you could possibly spare?"]
["Of course. 'Kool-Aid.' With complimentary air quotes. Yes."]
[LOZENGE gets out a glass and pours you some "KOOL-AID." You know perfectly well that the concoction was crafted from the extermination of thousands of souls in some random asteroid floating through the latest sector of THE VOID, but you say nothing.]
[The SCHADENFREUDE is essential to properly AIDING the KOOL.]
[Also the KAYFABE. That's what you meant to say.]
[> Better vault Goanna before it becomes a problem.]
[That seems to be the logical choice. You wave to LOZENGE and head out of the COUNCIL HALL.]
[You are now standing in THE CORRIDOR. This is the only corridor of its kind in all of PROJECTION, your floating headquarters, so it gets the proper noun. At the other end of THE CORRIDOR is a door. Lining THE CORRIDOR are some windowsills, with accompanying stained glass windows.]
[There are TWO SUPERIORS seated at one of the windowsills, conversing.]
<0>
DAGOTH: > say “oh no” three times
FRAN: > Locate programming socks.
ETERNITIES: > Okay but which ones?
[> Say "oh no" three times.]
BILL: > Complain that there should be more windowsills
EAGLE: >Get to the vault and get this over with.
["Oh no. Oh no. Oh no."]
[Okay.]
MONIKER: >Consume Go An Nas corpse
GRACIE: > say hi, but deafeningly loudly and bass boosted for no reason
PARADOX: >engage a speedrun to the vault
[> Consume Go An Nas corpse.]
CAA: > ask superiors for headpats
[You shudder VIOLENTLY at that thought. Breaking the laws of causality... disrespecting the fundamentals of your universe... disrupting the DIVIDE... There is absolutely, POSITIVELY, NO WAY YOU CAN SANCTION SUCH AN ACTION!]
BOMBER: >Perform the secret superior handshake, which is extravagantly lengthy and complex.
[But maybe you can, you know. Do little a nibble. As a treat.]
[You gnaw at a piece of GOANNA's corpse.]
[...]
[You are now INTERROBOBANG.]
[Part-human, part-robot. A cyborg? CYBORGTERROBANG? No that sounds like ass. INTERROBOBANG is just shitty enough.]
DAGOTH: > laugh maniacally
[> Laugh manically.]
["MOO-WAH-HAH-HAH!" you say.]
[Nice.]
GENERIC: > shoot eye lasers, just because you can.
LEAH: (( > hey what the fuck ))
[> Get to the vault and get this over with.]
[x]
[Fair enough. You walk through THE CORRIDOR, cool as the melting ICE CAPS. Your robotic plating gleams in the pale, hollow light of THE VOID. You can see endless oceans of twinkling stars through the STAINED GLASS. You had them commissioned from a VERY POPULAR ARTIST. Or, rather, the SUPERIORS did, before you joined. You can't say you've ever heard of "S.M." before, but eh. Whatever works.]
[You're at the door, but the TWO SUPERIORS have spotted you.]
["Hello, Interrobang. What are you up to?" Sounds like OBELUS.]
["Can't help but notice your, uh... complexion," AMPERSAND says.]
<0>
FRAN: > UwU at them.
BOMBER: >Greet them with the secret snake club handshake.
BILL: > I need to vault Goanna, so if you can let me pass that will be great!
DAGOTH: > declare yourself king of the vault
ETERNITIES: > "I assure you, †, &, it is of no concern."
CURRENT apocalypticTerminator [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
MANIAC: > Say "Greetings fuckers!" and dab
GRACIE: > kiss ampersand like you want to, just softly on the cheek
[> Greet them with the secret snake club handshake.]
EAGLE: >Greet them properly and move on.
CAA: > Insert Megaton Key in vault door
[> Say "Greetings fuckers!" and dab.]
CAA: > observe their pants
GENERIC: >say hello meatbags1
ETERNITIES: > be &'s pants
[It turns out that the SECRET SNAKE CLUB HANDSHAKE involves saying "Greetings fuckers!" and dabbing, so you end up doing both of these actions simultaneously. Who could have thought?? The process takes nine minutes and one second, but it doesn't really matter, because none of YOU can tell.]
GRACIE: >greet them with the secret club handSNAKE
[> I need to vault Goanna, so if you can let me pass that will be great!]
["We're not *stopping* you from passing or anything," OBELUS says. "Just curious is all."]
MODPACK: > the adpants superiors
["Wait, Goanna?" AMPERSAND says. "So his tussle with Build has ended, huh?"]
[x]
["Seems so," you say. "I'm surprised you knew of it, Ampersand."]
["Time shenanigans," he says. "I can see EVERYTHING. And so on."]
["Fair enough."]
[You walk out of the room.]
[You are now in the GARDEN OF GEOMETRY. A spacious hall modeled after the one behind THE GATE. It helps you all stay grounded. There are doors on all four walls, including the one you just came from, plus a recess in the ground behind a fountain in the middle of the room. There is a staircase leading downwards within the recess.]
[Where to?]
<0>
FRAN: > Wish me good night as I must now fucketh off to sleepeth and leave you in the hands of the other deviants.
LEAH: (( > Breath a innocent, unshotgunly sigh of relief, then follow the way to the vault. ))
NET: >Refuse to be grounded - you want to *fly*, dammit
EAGLE: >Observe the gorgeous geometry of the Garden of Geometry
BILL: > North
ETERNITIES: > &'s closet
DAGOTH: > play in the recess
MANIAC: > Grind down the stairs like the sk8r boi you are
MONIKER: > The Realm of Chocolate
CRYSTAL: > Come out of Ampersand's closet.
[> Observe the gorgeous geometry of the Garden of Geometry.]
BOMBER: >Swooce right in.
NET: >to the place we're supposed to be going
[It really is beautiful, huh? The MAIN FOUNTAIN is eight levels tall, its water sparkling with the transcendant light that is said to filter through THE OVERSEER's halls. Above it is a constantly fluctuating TWENTY-DIMENSIONAL sculpture.]
[HEXAHEDRONS, DODECAHEDRONS, and ICOSAHEDRONS are all situated throughout the gardens. The plantlife grows in impossible shapes, said to be encoded to the 64-BIT NAME OF GOD. But that's all just superstition. You know the truth. They encode the secrets to every unresolved ending in every story ever told.]
[> Come out of Ampersand's closet.]
DAGOTH: > READ THE ENDING TO SHADOW OF ISRAPHEL
[Hey, you're not closeted. You're proud of who you are!]
[> The Realm of Chocolate]
[And that is SOMEONE WHO REALLY LOVES CHOCOLATE!]
[You almost wish you were in control of an entire CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Within, you could experience any number of confectionary treats at your leisure. THINK ABOUT IT. You and your very own FUDGE REVELATION.]
[> Grind down the stairs like the sk8r boi you are.]
[Anyway the path to the VAULT is down the STAIRS so you GRIND DOWN THE STAIRS LIKE THE SK8R BOI YOU ARE. About a quarter of the way through, you fall flat on your face and tumble down the stairs over and over and over again, your limbs contorting in horrific angles as you splay out uselessly on the ground.]
[Voices claw their way out of your throat.]
["I TOLD YOU DOG."]
["I WARNED YOU AB—"]
[You punch yourself to stop SWEET BRO and HELLA JEFF from heckling your fate.]
[Then you get up like a normal person.]
<0>
NET: >Regurgitate SBaHJ
ETERNITIES: > Interlude: &'s pants
BOMBER: >Roll perception.
BILL: > Examine this very boring wall so you can learn it's secrets
SPLIT: > just get to the damn vault already
CRYSTAL: > Enter.
GENERIC: > turn around and redo that grınd
DAGOTH: > walk away from the vault like a baller
[> Turn around and redo that grind.]
[OBVIOUSLY.]
LEAH: (( > Examine walls to learn of what happened to Goanna. ))
[You do it again, and do it perfectly. NICE.]
MANIAC: > Realize the real vault was the friends you made along the way
SPLIT: nice.
GENERIC: nıce.
BOMBER: nice.
CRYSTAL: nice.
ETERNITIES: nice.
nice.
MANIAC: nice.
BILL: nice
DAGOTH: ice.
EAGLE: nice.
[> Just get to the damn vault already.]
PARADOX: ic
BOMBER: Uh oh. Typo in the pesterchum! Now you FUCKED UP.
[You walk through another CORRIDOR. At the other end is a VAULT. You've really got a BUNCH of them — by which you mean a network of spatiotemporally connected VAULTS that could hypothetically occupy a specific space in PROJECTION at any given time.]
[Which VAULT will you enter?]
DAGOTH: > all of the above
MANIAC: >Vault 76
BILL: > The vault to your heart
SPLIT: >vault 715
NET: >Vault 42
[> VAULT A < | VAULT B | VAULT C | VAULT D | VAULT E | VAULT F | VAULT G | VAULT H | VAULT I]
BILL: > Vault A
DAGOTH: > vault abc
CRYSTAL: > VAULT E
BOMBER: >Vault A
GENERIC: >Vault G
ETERNITIES: > Vault A
MANIAC: > Vault A
SPLIT: >vault E
NET: >Vault X
[> VAULT A <]
GENERIC: guess ım outvoted
EAGLE: >Vault F
TWELVE: > Vault 76-
[You select VAULT A. Which SUBVAULT will you join?]
[>VAULT A-A < | VAULT A-MASON | VAULT A-76 | VAULT A-BC | VAULT A-CTUALLY | VAULT A-VARICE]
SPLIT: >vauly a-ctually
GENERIC: >Vault A-G
BILL: > Vault Mason
CRYSTAL: > VAULT A-CTUALLY
LEAH: (( > A-MASON ))
ETERNITIES: > VAULT A-MASON
NET: >Vault A-Mason
MANIAC: > VAULT A-MASON
DAGOTH: > Vaukt A-Varice
CAA: > VAULT A-MASON
[> VAULT A-MASON <]
EAGLE: >Vault A-76
[x]
BOMBER: >VAULT A-MASON
DAGOTH: > pretend Dagoth didn’t say vaukt instead of vaukt
[You type in a specific set of letters into the SCANNER at the VAULT ENTRANCE, and then quickly input the 901-digit passcode to gain entry to the VAULT proper. You press [x] to seal the deal.]
[Whirring, clicking, and spinning sounds are your only solace as the complicated machinery of the VAULT undoes itself. The artifice to enter the realm DWARFS you in size, taking up an entire FOURTH WALL.]
[Then a tiny DOOR that you can walk through easily opens itself at the base of the VAULT, and you just walk through that instead.]
[You are now in VAULT A-MASON. The ceiling above is made of dark green tiling, and the floor is made of hard wood. At every turn, there are ornate PEDESTALS containing highly specific objects. There are also a bunch of empty PEDESTALS, too. You could put GOANNA on any one of them.]
[What's your plan?]
<0>
DAGOTH: > put Goanna on ALL the pedestals
MANIAC: > Yeet Goanna onto any old pedestal
ETERNITIES: > Swap Goanna with something else in an Indiana Jones maneuver
JOE: >stand on one of the pedestals.
BOMBER: >Gently slam Goanna onto a pedestal.
GENERIC: >put goanna on a pedestal that's already contaınıng somethıng
BILL: > Don't do any of that and play Minecraft instead
CAA: > put goanna on the pants pedestal
LEAH: (( Tie Goanna up and give a stern talking to. ))
[> Put Goanna on the pants pedestal.
JOE: >INITIATE SCREAMING
[You walk over to a PEDESTAL containing A COPY OF ADAM MASON'S JEANS. You refuse to elaborate on how MTT INDUSTRIES acquired such a highly powerful and cursed artifact.]
DAGOTH: > Steal the curse for yourself
CAA: > try on the jeans
[You undo the PROTECTIVE ONTOLOGICAL FIELD that covers the artifact. Every item in every VAULT has one of these — it essentially keeps them secure in FICTION, upholding their existence as universal law and preventing any threat from interfering.]
[Then you undo GOANNA'S restraints and just sort of chuck him onto the PANTS.]
CAA: > put the pants on goanna
JOE: > Wear jeans on top of normal pant. get power of jeanes!
[You move to re-secure the ONTOLOGICAL FIELD, but you freeze.]
[You swear you hear... breathing.]
[You look up. GOANNA'S lights, though dim, are on.]
DAGOTH: > Finish the job
CAA: > the pants. they will save him.
ETERNITIES: > Put the pants on GOANNA
[> The pants. They will save him.]
SPLASH: > Create Pantsgoanna.
SPLASH: You know, like Pantskat.
[You shove ADAM'S PANTS over GOANNA'S MOUTH, preventing him from speaking and also potentially suffocating him.]
[You find yourself not really caring if he lives or dies.]
JOE: would goanna be able to act after being ontological field'd?
[> Would Goanna be able to act after being ontological field'd?]
[Absolutely not. They're impossible to be destroyed from within.]
LEAH: (( > Whew, close one. Check around and examine the ARTIFACTS. ))
MANIAC: > Be an ARTIFACT. Any one will do
[This is partially due to the fact that said fields create PLOT VACCUUMS robbing the items within of any SIGNIFICANCE whatsoever as soon as the field is established. Case in point, you activate the pedestal's field and GOANNA'S eyes INSTANTLY go black. He shudders once, and falls completely still.]
[x]
[> Whew, close one. Check around and examine the ARTIFACTS.]
[There sure are a lot to choose from! There are a number of ARTIFACTS even just around THE PANTS AND GOANNA themselves. They include a PILE OF FOURTH WALL SHARDS, THE DOCTOR'S DOOM, AN 8-BALL, THE HOMESTUCK EPILOGUES, A WHITE STONE TABLET, and A NAMEPLATE.]
<0>
BILL: >Attempt to rebuild the 4th wall
SPLIT: >examine epilogues
ETERNITIES: > Eat a fourth wall shard
GENERIC: >examıne 8-ball
[x]
[> Eat a fourth wall shard.]
[If you were ANYONE else, you would seriously object to the possibility of swallowing a shard of metaphysical, universe-defining glass. But what the heck. You chow down. Your teeth make short work of the nuisance-pretend-sand.]
EAGLE: >Inspect the Doctor's Doom.
JOE: >read nameplate yes
[You detect a faint hint of Newgrounds energy. Maybe this wall came from MADNESS COMBAT.]
[x]
[> Examine Epilogues.]
[Ah, yes. THE HOMESTUCK EPILOGUES. A truly cursed tome, and almost a year old by this point! It's heavy, it's stout, and it's LONG. It even has a cool double-sided gimmick going on — one half is the MEAT EPILOGUE, and you have to flip the whole book and read the other way to see the CANDY EPILOGUE.]
[This copy was of course seized from WHAT PUMPKIN HQ after it was determined that they were being sold in an attempt to redefine the rules of CANON that governed FICTION, thereby catalyzing a DEFINITIONAL COLLAPSE of multiple VOID SECTORS. Which is, like, totally cool and all. But you'd rather such a thing be on your terms.]
[So you stole and reverse-engineered the technology. Now it's being put to good use.]
[> Examine 8-ball]
[Not just *any* 8-BALL. This one was taken directly from the room of a "VRISKA SERKET." You say "a" because there's like SIXTEEN MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SEVEN THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN of them running or around, give or take eight thousand. You can't be assed to remember the specific number.]
[It's weird. It's almost like the thing has a will of its own. Doesn't respond like any normal 8-ball would, or even a cue ball, for that matter.]
[> Inspect the Doctor's Doom.]
[THE DOCTOR'S DOOM. A white broom by any other name. But you know for certain that THIS ONE has a VERY special history — it killed DOC SCRATCH. You'd say "a" DOC SCRATCH but really who cares. Everyone knows you mean the one from THE EMPLOYER'S bastardized HOMESTUCK offshoot. The one in that TRIFECTA.]
[You disable the ONTOLOGICAL FIELD and the BROOM crackles with the energy typical of FIRST GUARDIANS. Keeping this thing unlocked is like lighting a beacon in the middle of THE VOID, alerting any ELDRITCH TRAVELLERS to FIRST GUARDIAN ENERGY, so you quickly redeploy it.]
[> Read nameplate.]
[The NAMEPLATE is the same make and model as yours, but with a different CURSE inscribed into it.]
[...]
{...}
{~}
Alright, <0>
KARP: > Set the epilogues on fire with a snap of your fingers. Good riddance, amirite?
DAGOTH: > Burn the Epilogues and then smoke the ashes like a gangsta
JOE: >can you yoink nameplate?
ETERNITIES: > Examine the white stone tablet
JOE: >alt: if you wield doctor broom, can the prevent crackle much?
MANIAC: > Realize you've been hallucinating the past seventy years
EAGLE: >No, don't burn the Epilogues please. They may be... divisive, but they don't deserve destruction.
DAGOTH: > All things must die
GENERIC: >play pesterquest
BILL: > Take the 8-Ball and study it like you never studied it before
SPLASH: > Inspect tablet
MONIKER: >Eat the Epilogue book
CRYSTAL: > Honk.
NET: >Eat Adam Mason's Pants
[x]
GENERIC: gdı dont honk
[> Honk.]
[Honk.]
[> Examine the white stone tablet.]
[It's a rather large tablet made from stone. Kind of like an actaul stone that you'd stand upon, if it was part of a floor or something. Like a tile? You guess you could say a title. It is featureless, with KIND OF the texture of actual rock, but you're not sure that it's LITERALLY rock.]
[At any rate, there is a message written on it.]
[It's arranged in a weird, somewhat diagonal manner, but it says:]
[horse a]
[> Take the 8-Ball and study it like you never studied it before.]
[You disable the ontological field and examine the 8-BALL thoroughly. By all respects, it is a TOTALLY NORMAL 8-BALL. It's spherical, it's jet-black, it has a white circle with a black 8 in the middle, and opposite to that there's a cavity filled with liquid darkness.]
[Somewhere within that ocean is a blue triangle, waiting to pop up and reveal itself when you ask a question.]
[But what do you ask?]
<0>
SPLASH: > Ask the 8-ball how to stop Adam Mason
BILL: > Is the cake a lie?
CRYSTAL: > What do I do next?
KARP: > Burn. The. Epilogues.
MANIAC: > Will I ever marry AMPERSAND
EAGLE: >Where is Adam Mason?
MODPACK: > clean up with doctor's doom
GRACIE: > ask the 8 ball where adam is and what hes going to do next
DAGOTH: > Burn the Homestuck epilogues
JOE: >what are the green glasses's shtick preciselike
[x]
MODPACK: > honey, where are my paaaaaaants
[> Honey, where are my paaaaaaants?]
< >
< >
< >
< Oh my god you're talking to me? You're talking to me now???????? >
< I don't fucking care where your pants are, you 8astard! I DON'T! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY ARE!!!!!!!! >
[See? The thing's busted. You have no clue how the cavity can be so small and yet you can read the text so perfectly.]
[> Ask the 8-ball how to stop Adam Mason]
< Oh! *That* guy! Sure, yeah, I know him! And I know that the only way you can POSSI8LY stop his TERRIBLE plans is to log onto Minecraft, take out all of your iron ingots, and throw them into a 8urning fire. Trust me! >
< Then do the same thing with your diamonds. And pro8a8ly your emeralds to 8e safe. >
[Ick. *Minecraft.* You've had enough of that game for a lifetime.]
[You put the cursed 8-ball back in the field where it belongs.]
[It makes sense that she'd be rude. She HAS been soulbound to the thing for about twenty-four years.]
<0>
BILL: > spawn in a NES controler and perform the Konami Code
MANIAC: > Play Minecraft to spite the narration.
EAGLE: >Wait, soulbound? What's the deal there?
DAGOTH: > wear the name tag
LEAH: (( > Do that, just to be safe. ))
NEDBEN: > spawn in a NES controller and perform the Konami Code
SPLASH: > wear the name tag
[> Wait, soulbound? What's the deal there?]
GRACIE: > can you... use the interrobang to like, teleport adam to you or something?
JOE: (have we lost our own pants or)
JOE: >wear name tag yes. do.
GENERIC: (we have not)
GENERIC: (waıt have we)
SPLIT: (no)
MODPACK: (no.... t yet)
GENERIC: (lmao)
[Well, you're not totally sure. You weren't responsible for finding the thing. One of the OTHER Superiors put it in this vault, and you've had some time here and there to mess with it. But it always pulls this kind of shit. You think it might be defective. Normal 8-balls aren't supposed to curse you out and threaten to "call upon the fury of Marquise Spinnerett Mindfang."]
[x]
MONIKER: >Ask the 8-ball what to do next

(/afk break)

[We now return to your irregularly scheduled program, already in progress.]
[The recent past is recalled for the benefit of the myriad...]
[Your name is JEFF MASON. You hold the title of INTERROBANG, and serve as the tenth ADVANCED SUPERIOR of MTT INDUSTRIES. Recently, a robotic warlord named GOANNA broke into your headquarters, PROJECTION, warning you to stop ADAM MASON before dying, question mark. You have since locked him in one of your many arcane VAULTS, where he can rest knowing he is INSIGNIFICANT BY EVERY METRIC.]
[You recently interacted with an 8-BALL that MAY or MAY NOT have a soul. And IF it does, YOU sure as hell didn't put it there.]
[What's your gameplan now? You've investigated all the ARTIFACTS near you.]
KARP: > Return to the council room.
MODPACK: > do a little jig
LEAH: (( Pocket the 8-Ball and move on. ))
BILL: > Look at the celling
GRACIE: be vriska
GRACIE: sorry i mean
GRACIE: > be vriska
SPLASH: > smash 8-ball in a suitably serket-y fashion
GENERIC: >grınd down staırs agaın
[x]
[> Pocket the 8-Ball and move on.]
[While you're reasonably certain that MOVING ON is in your best interest — admittedly, you aren't totally sure as to WHERE — there's no way you're taking that 8-BALL, or ANYTHING ELSE IN HERE for that matter. If something is in an MTT INDUSTRIES VAULT, it is there for a REASON.]
[That reason isn't necessarily ALWAYS that it would be DANGEROUS if said object were to escape. You SUPERIORS are pretty damn powerful if you do say so yourselves, and any OTHER loss of life occurring from a CONTAINMENT BREACH is NOT AN ISSUE. Not because it's easily fixed, but because none of you care.]
[COST can be an issue, though. MONEY sure is a finite resource.]
[Plus said objects could have any number of CURSES (IN THE MAGICAL SENSE), CURSES (IN THE METACHRONISTIC SENSE), PARADOXES, GRUDGES, JUJUS, ARCHONS, or any other symbology affixed to them, which would be, POTENTIALLY, very bad.]
[The 8-BALL stays put.]
[> Do a little jig.]
[Now THIS is more like it. You bust out your complimentary DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION SET and prepare to do a little jig.]
[But what song will you bust a move to?]
<0>
BOMBER: >Take On Me
NEDBEN: Never Gonna Give You Up?
LEAH: (( World Should Be ))
KARP: > Rex Duodecim Angelus
CRYSTAL: > Caramelldansen.
CAC: Boards of Canada - Aquarius
LEAH: (( > World Should Be ))
BILL: > Megalovania
JOE: >steal the ~ curse from the nametag, without removing the nametag?
NEDBEN: > World Should Be works too
MANIAC: > Anthem Of The USSR
[x]
[You play TAKE ON ME, NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, WORLD SHOULD BE, REX DUODECIM ANGELUS, CARAMELLDANSEN, AQUARIUS, MEGALOVANIA, and STATE ANTHEM OF THE SOVIET UNION simultaneously.]
[It is worth noting that you still only have two feet.]
[The resulting cacophany blares throughout every VAULT that MTT INDUSTRIES possesses. If anyone below the FIFTH DIMENSION were to hear the onslaught, their ears would liquiefy, and then evaporate. This would offer a respite while the fire began to melt at their bones.]
[You get a perfect score.]
<0>
CAA: > Retrieve backup feet from vault
NEDBEN: > Check high scores
JOE: >check if <the brother of Adam Mason>'s pants have also been stored in vault A-Mason.
CRYSTAL: >Continue onward.
BOMBER: >Return to the A-vault index you goon.
MANIAC: > Decide to play DDLC on DDR
LEAH: (( > Put feet back on foot rack. ))
BILL: > Leave the Vault
PARADOX: >consider Plebas
MONIKER: >Go to the next vault alphabetically
[x]
[> Retrieve backup feet from vault.]
[Oh, but your CURRENT FEET are perfectly normal and acceptable! You've got all twelve inches on THESE feet! Then again, ALL feet have twelve inches, but you're not about to argue with the IMPERIAL SYSTEM. Only CHUMPS use the METRIC SYSTEM. What even IS it with them and UNITS, man.]
[You narrowly suppress the urge to vomit up SWEET BRO and HELLA JEFF.]
[> Check high scores.]
[They're all from you, and they're all the same. 7777777.]
[> Check if <the brother of Adam Mason>'s pants have also been stored in Vault A-Mason.]
[You look down. Your pants are on. You suppose this means they're being stored in the VAULT, with the caveat that YOU are ALSO being stored. For a weird definition of "stored."]
[> Go to the next vault alphabetically.]
[It's worth noting that you haven't explored all the artifacts in this VAULT, only the ones right next to the GOANNA/PANTS PEDESTAL. But sure.]
[You leave VAULT A-MASON and enter VAULT A-76.]
[VAULT A-76 looks as though it was ripped from a TIME PERIOD best exemplified by OLD RADIOS CRACKLING WITH STATIC AND SPEWING ANACHRONISTICALLY APPROPRIATE SONGS. That and NUCLEAR WASTE. And NUCLEAR MONSTERS. And NUCLEAR EXPLOSIONS. The place practically FEELS like a FALLOUT SHELTER. The ONTOLOGICAL FIELDS are designed accordingly, looking a lot more rugged and low-tech, as though they're MINIATURE NUCLEAR WASTE CONTAINMENT APPARATI.]
[There are, of course, a plethora of ARTIFACTS surrounding you. These include a PROMOTIONAL FALLOUT 76 CANVAS BAG, a LEAKING PEN, a DEACTIVATED RELISH NUKE, about SEVENTY POUNDS OF ORGANIC MATTER IN THE ROUGH SHAPE OF A MAN, twenty-three INFINITY TRAIN TICKETS, and a GORILLA.]
[There are more in the distance, but these are the ones immediately next to you.]
<0>
BILL: > Drink the ink from the leaking pen.
LEAH: > Pay disrespects to Todd Howard, and investigate the LEAKING PEN.
CRYSTAL: > Examine relish nuke.
SPLASH: > See if war has changed
JOE: >check A-76 for 76 doses of waluigi thyme, a pair of green glasses, two buckets of black goo that hardly even matters, and a goddess riding a lance. if any of these are missing, resist the urge to panic; if any of these are not here due to not being supposed to be here, resist the urge to complain about the innacurate implications of this sentance which are now evidently
different.
BOMBER: >Finally obtain the promotional fallout 76 canvas bag.
GRACIE: > reactiveate nuke
GENERIC: >abuse dupıng glıtches
CRYSTAL: > Speak to gorilla.
MANIAC: > Shit on the floor. Like someone who loves Fallout would.
[x]
[> Shit on the floor. Like someone who loves Fallout would.]
[You DO NOT love FALLOUT, as it turns out. You've never played. You suppose you could immediately look up every nook and cranny of information that there is about FALLOUT's LORE, but you REALLY DON'T FEEL UP TO IT. You still decide to SHIT ON THE FLOOR though.]
GENERIC: > realıze you forgot to take off your pants. fuck.
[You hide behind a CONVENIENTLY PLACED PIPE so that no PEEPING TOM can peep on you, and you promptly commit the ultimate TABOO. You think it adds to the decor, really. Who KNOWS who else has shit on this fl—]
[> Realize you forgot to take off your pants. Fuck.]
[...]
[You unmaterialize the shit and act as though this never happened.]
[> Pay disrespects to Todd Howard, and investigate the LEAKING PEN. Also drink its ink.]
[The LEAKING PEN. It is AUBURN in color, with a GOLDEN RIM. Not that you can tell easily, because HORRIBLY CORROSIVE INK is constantly leaking from the thing. It's aggravating beyond belief. The motherfucker is IMPOSSIBLE to write with. Then again, given its owner, you doubt it was used for much writing anyways.]
[You disable the field, uncap the pen, and open the gaping chasm you deign to call a MOUTH. Drops of horrible undulating liquid fall in. Huh. Just tastes moderately spicy.]
[You re-cap the PEN and stow it away on its pedestal.]
[It then occurs to you that you have ABSOLUTELY ZERO TOLERANCE FOR SPICY FOOD.]
[You immediately and indiscriminately begin SPEWING FIRE at everything in range.]
<0>
JOE: >shit on one of the pedestals instead, then turn on the field. just to confuse whoever the next person to look through the vault while thinking everything in it is in some way special. also, take off your pants to do so
MODPACK: > spew fire on pants.
MANIAC: > Become the dragon. You are Alduin.
BILL: > Put out the fire with water that you find on the floor
[> shit on one of the pedestals instead, then turn on the field. just to confuse whoever the next person to look through the vault while thinking everything in it is in some way special. also, take off your pants to do so.]
LEAH: Freeze the fire with the fields.
GRACIE: > take the pen to try again later with octothorpes help
[You fail to see how this could be in any way relevant to your current situation and have a sinking suspicion that you typed this up way beforehand and posted it immediately to try and gain priority over everyone else.]
[> Spew fire on pants.]
[You aim down for some inexplicable reason and breathe fire on your pants, burning them off.]
GENERIC: > shıt on the floor now that you don't have to worry about your pants.
[It's a good thing you're still INTERROBOBANG, so now this just shows off your TOTALLY BADASS ROBOT LEGS instead. Your ROBOT PARTS grew over your UNDERWEAR AND SKIN and so you are in NO DANGER OF BEING PLACED IN AN INDECENT SITUATION WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO YOU.]
[x]
JOE: ((I did type it up beforehand, but I just put it out there because you're not supposed to put commands at some points in time, and I typed that while you were doing the other commands, and there's only one textfield here. so either i post it or lose it))
[> Become the dragon. You are Alduin.]
[You know what? You're already a ROBOT. You suppose you can become a SCALEY. You activate your INNER DRAGON POWERS and become a KALEIDOSCOPIC DRAGON. This of course gives you innate mastery over fire, so you are able to stop acting as though you've swallowed a SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAND-SUPERSPICY CURRY and you can now CONTROL YOUR FLAME.]
[Flame-o, hotman! You then turn back to normal. But not human normal. Robot normal.]
[> Take the pen to try again later with Octothorpe's help.]
[Huh. You suppose it couldn't hurt. You deploy a PORTABLE ONTOLOGICAL FIELD and stow the LEAKING PEN away in your POCKET.]
[> See if war has changed.]
[You feel that since you are basically waging war on YOURSELF by drinking one of the most corrosive substances in history, turning into a dragon, and burning and shitting your pants I mean what you didn't do that last thing, war MIGHT HAVE CHANGED.]
[Results are inconclusive, though. You need more evidence.]
[There are still multiple artifacts left. Or you could go holler for OCTOTHORPE now. You feel like he'd probably be in the GRAND LIBRARY. You've only got the one library, really, but it deserves the prefix.]
<0>
BOMBER: >FINALLY get your hands on the promotional fallout 76 canvas bag
GENERIC: >create a less grand lıbrary
BILL: > Go to the back to see more artifacts
MODPACK: > head into the library to get your literature on
MANIAC: > Decide to burn all books. Then vomit.
[x]
LEAH: > Get the bag, and stuff the pen and Gorilla into it
JOE: ((does command ordering even affect priority?))
Of course not. Also, ask questions in Discord.
[> FINALLY get your hands on the promotional fallout 76 canvas bag.]
[You can't resist. You immediately disable the ONTOLOGICAL FIELD and rub your hands all over the bag. Awww, yeah. That's REAL canvas in that PROMOTIONAL FALLOUT 76 CANVAS BAG. Those other suckers were stuck with NYLON, but YOU ALL took the INITIATIVE on that exchange. Wasn't hard, really. You have an in with the H-MAN.]
[> Decide to burn all books. Then vomit.]
[While that technically wouldn't take that much work for you, you feel bad about BOOK-BURNING. You might be a fascist, but you're not a FASCIST, understand? Actually, ARE you a fascist? It's more like a theocratic oligarchy, or something. Eh, whatever. This sure is a democratic order of affairs if nothing else.]
[Besides. There's some knowledge worth protecting.]
[> Go to the back to see more artifacts.]
[You eye the GORILLA warily as you pass.]
[In another wing of the VAULT, you see a TALL, GREY DOOR, :WHODIDTHIS:, the RADIOHEAD album "I/O," several pieces of the CATENATIVE DOOMSDAY DICE CASCADER, a SOUL GEM, and THE ANCESTOR PARABLE.]
<0>
CRYSTAL: >Examine sool jim.
BILL: > Read the reviews for the Ancestor Parable
BOMBER: >:WHODIDTHIS:
MODPACK: > :whodidthis:
LEAH: > Grab soul gem. Do not become meduka.
GENERIC: > soul gem turn ınto grıef seed
GRACIE: > use your omniscience to determine the gem's owner
[x]
[> Examine soul gem.]
[SOUL GEM t... You know what, maybe you shouldn't say that. At any rate, this is DEFINITELY a SOUL GEM. Looking like a FABERGE EGG of old, with a POWERFUL, TINY GEM inside. Its color would NORMALLY be a radiant emerald, but it has since lost almost all of its luster.]
[> Use your omniscience to determine the gem's owner.]
[ADAM MASON.]
[...From an alternate timeline, of course, where he saw PUELLA MAGI MADOKA MAGICA about two years ahead of schedule and adjusted DESTROY THE GODMODDER 2 accordingly.]
["The look on your faces, though. Priceless."]
[> :WHODIDTHIS:]
[No matter which way you position yourself in space, this... THING is constantly looking at you. It feels like a TWO-DIMENSIONAL IMAGE superimposed onto your reality, hovering. Judging. Watching. Waiting. Anticipating.]
[If you were to lower the field, you KNOW this motherfucker would be capable of speech. That's not even a question. INTELLIGENT speech, well... THAT'S the question. You're not entirely sure you care to answer it.]
[> Read the reviews for the Ancestor Parable]
["I read this shitty fanfiction and all I got was this lousy feature on the back of the book." — Yve the Learned /// "YOU'VE JUST BEEN TROLLLLLED" — ZexyZek /// "If I had any sense I'd sue you. But as it turns out I have a lot of cents already, so nah, I'm good." — Andrew Hussie]
["I guess it was pretty plot-critical to our quest, so uh, thanks, Psi-Godmodder!" — 'Modpack' /// "A tome of practically incomparable arcane resources. Vital. A must-read to anyone who wishes to uncover the truths behind Mojang." — The Scribe]
<0>
BILL: >Open Grey Door
MONIKER: Sorry guys, I gotta bounce for the night. Remind me to read the logs tomorrow
SPLASH: > Insert SOUL GEM into INFINITY GAUNTLET and SNOP
SPLASH: > Find HTML
BOMBER: >Look at the gherkin and think about how delicious it would be.
LEAH: > Insert SOUL GEM into INFINITY GAUNTLET and SNOP (Repeating this bc yes)
BILL: > Play the alblum
MANIAC: > Decide to listen to Radiohead for the rest of existence
CRYSTAL: >Look at the gherkin and think about how delicious it would be.
[x]
[> Look at the gherkin and think about how delicious it would be.]
[You look at the gherkin and think about how delicious it would be. You think how delicious it would be if you ate the gherkin raw. You think about how delicious it would be if you ate the gherkin cooked. You think about how delicious it would be if you ate the gherkin boiled. You wake up and realize you are dreaming. You look around and see nothing wrong. You go to the table and eat another piece of gherkin.]
[> Insert soul gem into Infinity Gauntlet and SNOP.]
[That isn't the right type of PLOT-CENTRIC MINERAL-BASED SUBSTANCE, but damned if that's stopped you before. You pull out the INFINITY GAUNTLET, stealing it from GENERIC, who is its RIGHTFUL HEIR FOR SOME CONTRIVED REASON, and you stick the SOUL GEM on.]
[Of course, you'd need FIVE more SOUL GEMS if you wanted to unleash the TRUE power of the SNOP. Maybe you should start a tally.]
[SOUL GEMS COLLECTED: 1/5]
[SOUL GEMS COLLECTED: 1/6, shit.]
[> Play the album.]
[You decide to play I/O and listen to it for the rest of existence.]
[Pretty good for an album that isn't supposed to exist. You guess you'd rate it an I out of O.]
[> Open grey door.]
[You disable the door's field and approach it, but then you freeze. You look up and down the door's length, and you realize something that you feel to be PRETTY crucial. ADAM... These are the same type of doors HE went through, in EPHEMERALQUEST.]
[You walk around the pedestal. No doubt about it. It's the same model. Featureless grey stone protruding from a darker stone frame. A doorknob polished to a sheen, and at the top of the door, there is a SYMBOL. You don't exactly appreciate the "SUBTLETY" when you see that this door's symbol is an INTERROBANG.]
[You decide to treat this command with a BIT more caution, now. DO you open the door?]
<0>
GRACIE: yes open the damn door!
BILL: > Open it with no hesitation!
BOMBER: >Gently open the door.
SPLASH: > What did you expect us to say? Open the door.
MANIAC: > Gently open the door
GRACIE: inb4 this was all in jeffs mind
LEAH: Kick it down.
CRYSTAL: > Gently open the door.
SPLASH: > Carefully
SPLASH: > And with great gravitas
[x]
[> Open the door.]
[You grab the DOORKNOB, twist it, and pull the DOOR towards you. On the other side is... IS...]
[Nothing. It's just an empty doorframe.]
[...]
[But it gives you an idea.]
[You think that now is a PERFECT time to go see OCTOTHORPE.]
<0>
KARP: > Go see Octothorpe or whatever.
BILL: > Go and see OCTOTHORPE
LEAH: Draw a octothorpe on the door with the pen.
CRYSTAL: > #
LEAH: > Draw a octothorpe on the door with the pen.
CAA: > Captchalogue door
GRACIE: > {#} look for a guy who looks like this
MANIAC: > Shoot yoursel, and appear next to Octothorpe
CAA: > Then go see Octothorpe
[x]
[You again question the ETHICS, PRACTICALITY, and RISK of taking objects from VAULTS. This is the last exception you're willing to make. You POCKET the TALL, GREY DOOR.]
[> Shoot yourself and appear next to Octothorpe.]
[You pull out a STANDARD-ISSUE HANDGUN and promptly SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD. Your grey matter travels at record speeds throughout PROJECTION, twisting and turning through its catacombs and concrete halls. You promptly and suddenly materialize in the GRAND LIBRARY.]
[OCTOTHORPE would jump out of his skin, but that would require him to have actual skin.]
[He tosses the book he was reading into the air, theatrically. He then carefully adjusts himself.]
["And what in the nine hells are *you* doing here, Interrobang?" OCTOTHORPE asks.]
<0>
KARP: > Reveal that your HANDGUN is actually the Service Weapon by switching it to a different mode.
MANIAC: > I just want to see your face one last time.
CAC: > gesture dramatically at the door sticking out of your pocket. say "F1X TH1S".
CRYSTAL: > Interrobang: Take control, reveal plan.
[> Reveal that your handgun is actually the Service Weapon by switching it to a different mode.]
BILL: > It's this door that I found in the vault... a gray one... is there any way to acivate it?
[Sure enough, you swap it into a SHOTGUN. Neat!]
[You figure that you must have naturally gained this ability by becoming INTERROBOBANG.]
[x]
[> I just want to see your face one last time.]
[OCTOTHORPE'S eyes leer. "Come now, Interrobang. Is that any way to treat me?"]
[He grins. "You and I both know we've all got same-face syndrome around here."]
[> Gesture dramatically at the door sticking out of your pocket. Say "fix this."]
["Yeah, yeah. Comes with the territory of being sneople. But I didn't come here to compliment your looks. Check this shit out."]
[You pull out the TALL, GREY DOOR. OCTOTHORPE whistles. "Project Windows, huh? What're you doing with that thing?"]
["Just satiate my curiosity for now. Could you tell me more about it?"]
["But you should be able to know everything about it instantly, right?"]
["Humor me."]
[OCTOTHORPE sighs. "Project Windows was an attempt to reverse-engineer mindscapes and turn their creations into tangible objects. Not standard reality warping wherein you can make whatever you think of real. I mean converting the constructs of mental spaces into physical planes."]
["This door was about the extent of our research. We know that this is the baseline form that memories take in the mindscape, but we weren't able to fill it with anything in the real world. Maybe if *someone* hadn't been busy trying to count every single grain of sand in the Endless Desert, we might have *gotten* somewhere."]
[You laugh. "Let Ampersand do his thing, man. But now that you mention it... Now I'm pretty sure my plan can work."]
[OCTOTHORPE leers once more. "Plan," he flatly asks.]
[> Take control, reveal plan.]
[You crack your knuckles and properly sit down next to OCTOTHORPE. "Goanna was here. Him and Adam Mason have been engaged in a weird depression-measuring contest for a while, and it's over. Adam's amok, and Goanna's gone. I mean, he's *here*, but he's *dead.*"]
[OCTOTHORPE nods.]
["It got me thinking about mindscapes," you say. "We know that Bill Cipher is planning to destroy every Curse in Fiction and render it into lawless anarchy. To do that would be to tear the very foundations of all dimensions asunder. He'd be interfering with the very heart of reality on a level more fundamental than ANYONE can properly grasp."]
["Yeah, I remember you talking about this," OCTOTHORPE says. "We asked what we had to do, and you said—"]
["We sleep, we enter reality's mindscape, and we pray," you say.]
["That. You're honestly suggesting that Fiction has a mindscape?"]
["Call it a hunch. I'd consider it to be a collective unconscious, I guess. A primordial stew of memories and experiences floating about in there. It got me thinking... Maybe we could use this door as a template and fit a memory into it in the real world. Enter some sort of hyperbolic time chamber."]
[OCTOTHORPE nods slowly. "And what would the practical effects of this be?"]
[INTERROBANG does the GENDO POSE. "It would make for one hell of a story."]
[OCTOTHORPE's eyes dart from book to book. He's cornered and he knows it. Words are too powerful for him to resist. He sighs and extends his hand. You shake it.]
["Hacker voice," OCTOTHORPE says. "I'm in."]
[You grin. "I'm putting together a crew. Let's do this."]
["...A MIDNIGHT CREW!"]
[*laugh track*]
[*credits roll*]
[> END OF PART 1 <]

[WORLD SHOULD BE will resume on THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2020, at 7:17 PM EDT.]
[I'm Interrobang, and as always,]
[Stay tuned.]
[Be there.]