Thread 40: Stories 31-45

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 >8-bit
"Gaffer"
~~~~~~

>Okay, be honest, what are the odds this is some kind of karmic punishment for our current and past actions?

"Pretty low, NPCs don't get karma stats."

>...damn.

"Yeah, stings just a little."
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 >Actarius
“JJ”
‘Various’
[???]
~~~~~~

>Ponies please! I need you all to stay calm!

Unfortunately, it seemed being decked out in his guard attire wasn’t having the response he was hoping for, as the small group before him continued to, quite reasonably considering the circumstances, panic.

“I don’t think its working.”

>You think?

‘WE’RE ALL GONNA DIEEEE!’

‘I DON’T WANT TO BE TURNED INTO COTTON CANDY! I TASTE TERRIBLE!’

‘IT’S TRUE, SHE DOES!’

‘…HEY!’

‘I stand by it.’

‘You’re just mad I don’t give reciprocals!’

‘…Little bit.’

‘What were we going on about?’

A giant spider monster made out of broken shards of jawbreakers suddenly broke in through the roof.

‘…Right, that.’

‘..AHHHHHH!’
‘AHHHHHHHH!’
‘’’’’’’’’AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!’’’’’’’

The ex-guard snapped to attention, combat rolling between the group and the creature and brandishing his makeshift weapon, a broom he had sharpened into a spear.

>Everyone stay behind me! I’ll handle this-

CRACK!

Everyone winced when the creature suddenly smacked him to the side with one swing of it’s candy coated leg, and began to advance on them.

‘…Well, that didn’t last-‘

>WHA-CHA!

Like a maddened bull, he dove from where he had been knocked into the wall, headbutting the spider right in it’s many, many eyes. While this did knock the creature off a few legs, the others were still there to pick up the slack-

CRACK!

-and then retaliate, uppercutting the pony right into the ceiling.

“ACTARIUS!”

He stood back up on wobbly legs, bits of plaster raining around his dazed, blinking eyes.

>I am… OKA-

CRUNCH!

And then the spider just stepped on him.

‘…Wow, I am not liking our odds.’

‘We seem kind of screwed, yeah.’

“Come on buddy, get up! GET IT UP! GET IT UP AND START POUNDING! COME ON!”

A frantic, clawing hoof scraped around on the ground, searching, trying its best to find something, anything!

And find something it did.

>Hey, ugly!

A thousand bubblegum bubble eyes looked back at him, annoyed.

>HOOFSAND!

The annoyance, like the spider itself, remained unmoved.

At least until it lifted him up and started smacking him into the ground like it was trying to shake dirt off a rug.

>I*SMACK*HAVE*SMACK*SUCH*SMACK*REGRETS!

‘…Huh.’

“OH NO!”

‘Can’t you shoot lasers or something?’

“I haven’t fed in days, no way do I have enough to shoot a laser! I don’t think!”

‘You don’t think or you don’t know.’

“…Both?”

‘I mean, are you sure?’

“I don’t know, I said! We don’t have little meters to tell us how much love we have!”

‘So, what’s the worst that can happen?’

“Lasers take up a LOT of love, if I use it without being sure, I can accidentally kill myself by draining the thing that keeps my HEART PUMPING!”

‘…That makes sense, yeah.’

‘…Is he still going?’

>*SMACK*YES*SMACK*HE*SMACK*IS! *SMACK*

‘Just checking.’

Seemingly growing tired of using him to hammer down an invisible nail, the creature dangled the battered pony in front of it, hanging him upside down by his hind leg.

>…Ow…. R-reaady to give up yet?

If it were possible, and in hindsight it probably shouldn’t be, every eye went wide.

>No?... Okay then. NOM!

He jutted forward, biting down on a massive chunk of those eyes. Though he had no frame of reference to know this, they all tasted like bacon.

The creature screeched and dropped him with a powerful CLANK, flailing about in pain as he scrambled over to the side.

>HEY, UG-… wait, already used that one.

What few eyes remained turned to him, furious and ready to strike again.

>Uh… SPEAR!

With that, he jutted his long forgotten weapon forward, right into the gap caused by his lack of eyes and skewering the creatures head. It spasmed for a bit, foam bubble bath bubbles spewing out from it’s maw, and then it fell forward… before exploding into, of all things, chunks of a wooden chair.

‘…You, uh, you alright?’

Bruised, battered and looking like he had lost a fight with a woodchipper filled with fists, he nonetheless managed a smile, and gestured down the hall.

>If you would all follow me, I’ll get you to safety-

CRASH!

Slowly, very slowly, he turned back around.

Annnnd, now there were four more of those spiders. Each one a different color. Conveniant.

>…Okay! New plan, you guys all go that way, and I’ll… uh… hold them off. Yeah, that sounds right.

‘…We’re doomed.’

‘They’re gonna kill him and move onto us…’

“ACTARIUS NO!’

The changeling rushed forward, standing next to him.

“You don’t stand a chance!”

>…Underselling it, I think…

Resolute, he got into a fighting stance.

>Get ready to run, JJ. I’m not sure how long I can hold them off

The changeling warred with himself for a bit, looking back to the crowd, and then to his friend.

Finally, he nodded, and hopped next to the soldier.

>I said go!

“I’m staying. If it’ll buy them enough time to get out of here with just you, it’ll take twice as long to get through me! You know how sturdy I am.”

Bitterly, he smiled.

>Guess so. Nothing I can say to change your mind? I really want you to run.

“Nope.

>Whelp… Okay then. Till the end?

“…Not gonna be very long, but sure.”

>Yeah…

At once the spiders charged.

>But I'm glad it's with you-

FWOOOSH!

Right before their eyes, a massive string of flame tinged red metal swept above their heads, and carved through all four spiders in one fluid movement. They could only stare as it stopped in midair, and started to spin, sucking up all of the little pieces and melting them into a giant pile of slag, before slamming into them and shattering them once more, just for good measure.

>…That’s some bullshit right there, that’s what that is.

Content, the chains stopped spinning, and retracted back being them.

[AHHHAHAHA! HAVE NO FEAR, CITIZEN! DA DA DA DAAAA!]

A flaming creature floated before them, fanged grin still visible behind a burning face.

[THE ONE AND ONLY… uh…]

He pulled out a metal slab with some scraping on it.

[That’s a lot of names…Let’s say the fire guy… THE ONE AND ONLY FIRE GUY IS HERE!]

‘SWEET CELESTIA HE’S REAL!’

‘I thought he was just a myth!?’

‘MY COUSIN ISN’T A LIAR!?... Shoot, there goes fifty bits…’

‘THE DEMON RIDER IS REAL!’

‘Is he actually a demon?’

‘What the hell else could he be? He’s not a pony or a gryphon.’

‘Got a point.’

[THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSITANCE, CITIZEN! YOU DID A REALLY GOOD JOB!]

>..Didn’t know I’m not a guard anymore…

[BUT I WILL TAKE IT FROM HERE! IF YOU WOULD ALL GO THAT WAY, YOU’LL BE SAFE!]

‘I TOTALLY TRUST THIS GUY!’

>…That’s the direction I told you to go…

‘THANK YOU, FIRE GUY!’

'YOU'RE AMAZING!'

[ALL IN A DAYS WORK! DA DA DA DAAAAA!]

He went off ahead, the entire crowd right on his heels, eager to stay within his protection.

“…You okay?”

>…my ass hurts…

“Yeah, that happens a lot with us, I noticed…”
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 >Sucker Punch
"41"

>Ok.

"Ok."

>Oooooo...kay.

"Mhm."

>This is weird.

"Ayup."

The two are observing the craziness outside their window.

>Is this all the candy we ate?

"I don't thiiiiiink so."

>Uh...we may wanna leave this to the professionals.

"...aren't we technically professionals?"

>I'm just saying, we may not exactly be able to accomplish much, so let's just hang out in here, I got something I wanna...show...you...uhhh...

Punch is walking around the room, looking for something.

>Where'd it go?

"Where'd what go?"

>The bag from the arcade.

"Dude I already saw your postcard."

>It's not the postcard it's...wait a minute...

"Hm?"

>41?

"Yeaaah?"

>Wherrrre's Piñata Pie?

"Uhhhh..."

The two look at the floor, where candy trails towards the door not unlike blood, the two manage to see a pink paper tail wiggle a plastic bag reading 'Partyland Arcade Fun Complex' before disappearing into they halls.

"Huh, well there goes that, looks like we're both going to the gift sho-"

>AFTER THAT PIÑATA!

"Wha-WHOA!"

41 barely has time to register what's going on before Punch grabs her tail in his teeth and runs out the door, changeling in tow.
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 >SA
"2"
'???'
[???]
~~~~

*KNOCK KNOCK!*

>Sweetie? Are you in there?.... Honey?... come on, don't be like that, I'm totally past what happened before, I just want to talk-

"Shiny?"

>Oh! Hey, Two, would you mind opening the door? It's locked.

"I wanna."

>...

"..But I can't."

>Whyyyy?

"A'cause of the monster."

>...Ohhh, I see. Well, is he a scary monster?

"...Little bit. Mostly funny, he's gotta big red nose."

>Ohh, big red nose, eh? Anything else? Bit teeth?

"...Nope, not very big. They're little chainsaws, though."

>Chainsaws! Wow, you are creative. Well, if you want sweetie, I'll come in there and beat them up for you.

"S'okay, Maney'll be done with the seven headed frog with bicycle legs and squeaky horns for eyes here in a bit, she'll get it."

>...Wow, I need to put you in an art class, it sounds like

*BLAMCRASHVRRRRRRDAKAKAKABOOOOM!*

>...And now this door needs to be dead.

*MAGIC BOOM!*

>TWO!?

What greeted him was unexpected, to say the least.

His daughter was standing wide eyed in front of him, a metal pot askew on her head and a spatula in her hooves. Behind her...

'AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHTHISISTHEGREATESTDAYOFMYLIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!'

...Mane-Iac was having fun, let's just say.

Unlike the things she was destroying, they just looked confused that she was fighting them.

>...Where's Caddy?

"In tha' bathroom."

>...

*KNOCK KNOCK!*

>Cadence?

[Shiny? Is that you? Tell Mane-Iac she's paying for whatever she's breaking while those two are playing! And keep it down! I swear it sounds like a tornado out there!]

>...Gonna be in there much longer?

[Little bit, why?]

>...No reason.

[Do you want me to hurry?]

'AHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!'

>...Take your time. No rush.

'AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'
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 ~~~

>Hey, purple monkey dishwasher?

"Yeah, dancing bear monster?'

>Is it... it's weird she's fighting us, right?

"Yep. Definitely weird. Preeeetty sure she's supposed to be on our side."

>I know, right!? It's so weird!

"SO weird."

>...She just punched my spleen out.

"I saw that. Sucks to be you?"

>Little bit, yeah.
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 >Maud
~~~~~~

>....

....

>....

....

>....

....

>...This is strange.
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 >Limestone
"Marble"
~~~~

>OH SWEET MERCIFUL SUPER ROCKS!

"WHAT!?"

>IT'S *EXACTLY* LIKE THE GYPSY SAID!

"...Oh wow, you're right. Right on the nose."

>TOLD YOU SO!
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 >Chrysalis
"???"
~~~~

>Iiiiiii~I'm, hooked on a feeling! Da da da, I'm high on believing, da da da, that you're in love with meeeee~!

"THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE!"

Pausing mid dance atop some poor things skull, the Queen oh so delicately put a hoof to her ear.

>Hark, be that the sound of dear Caddybug out and scurrying about?

"WHYYYY!? WHY IS THIS THING MADE OF BONES IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A CAKE!"

She giggled, hopping free and idly smashing through the door leading to 18's room.

>It is! Dearest minion of mine, are you having the most fun of time?

Looking up from the giant venus flytrap shaped cake made of bone, the mare in question just blew a raspberry.

"EAT ME!"

>I would, but it seems there's a Que.

"SERIOUSLY!? Are you quipping at me right now!? THE WORLD IS GOING TO CANDY COATED HELL!"

>Hmm? Really? Hadn't noticed.

"CHRYSALIS!"

>I do not believe that is how you should be addressing me.

"...My Queen? Please save me from being eaten?"

>Hm, don't care for the tone, buuuut-

The thing exploded into a shower of bits and bone.

>I do so love blowing things apart.

"OW! Couldn't you have pulled me off it first!?"

>Yes. Come come, we really must be assembling the others, so much fun to be had!

"How are you so flippant right now!?"

>Because I'm having fun. Must you begrudge my every single whim?

"Only when I nearly get eaten!"

>Fair enough. Off we go!

"Where!?"

>Where else, to Shiny. I actually thought he would be with you, or I never would have stopped here.

"...OH COME ON!"

>Mmmm, not so keen to rub in that you went on that tunnel ride now, eh?

"YOU'RE MAD ABOUT THAT!?"

>Mad? Oh no...

She smiled a wicked smile, and practically skipped off.

>Not at all, dear 18. Not at all...

"...She's going to feed me to one of these things, isn't she?"

>Maybe!

"...damn her good hearing..."
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 NC

>56
“Dadling”
‘Luna’
-Batmom-
______

A particularly hard snort jarred the youngling from his slumber and he once again blinked away the fuzzies.

>…Oh, that’s right… stuff outside was goin’ bonkers so I said bunk it and riiiight. Wonder if things’re any better out there…?

This time, his foray over the others saw his hoof sink into Dadlings stomach.

“OOF! Faust above and Tirek below, you’re freakin’ heavy, kid, get off me!”

>Whoops, sorry ‘bout that.

Continuing on, 56 approached the curtains, this time rubbing at his other eye. He glanced back at Dadling tenderly massaging his stomach.

>Eh… do me a favor, NTL.

“Nngh, sure, just give me a sec to realign my spleen.”

>Oh, ‘kay.

“…”

>Got it now?

“See, now I feel bad for that.”

>Bad for what?

“Nothing. What’d you need?”

>Alrighty then. Come look out the window for me.

“...Because that’s not suspicious. Why?”

>Well, mostly ‘cuzza, um… one moment.

By only a sliver he peeled the blinds apart. They used to be curtains at one point and time but he ignored that, glancing left and then right.

>Eeeeyup.

He backed away from the window, heading now for the front door.

>Take a look outside and lemme know what ya see.

“Again I feel the need to ask, for my own safety, why?”

>‘Cuz we might need to be leavin’ here pretty soon.

As Dadling cautiously approached the window, 56 put a hoof on the doorknob, giving it a twist and a pull.

But when the door suddenly yelled out in pain, and the knob turned into a blinking eyeball, 56 could only stare. And he kept staring as that ‘eye’ teared up before the entire door just up and unhinged itself to run down the hallway. Crying.

>…Um, sorry?

His apology was drowned out by Dadling’s yell of surprise. He must’ve finally looked outside. The noise was enough to cause Luna and Glimmer to sit up bolt right, sleep laden in their faces.

-Wuzzagoinon?-

>That’s a good questi-

A strip of some sort of pink taffy shot out the darkness of the hall to wrap itself around 56’s foreleg. It tugged. Hard.

56 only regarded it with a half-covered yawn, then gave the ensnared hoof a quick tug. It was if twenty ponies combined had pulled for the amalgam of creatures that came flying past, attached to the other end of the pink rope, and into the room.

‘BY STARSWIRLS BEARD WHAT IS THIS?!’

-…Is that a coffee cup with batwings and… and a three-foot-nothing diamond dog made of peppermint?-

Dadling’s scream grew in pitch.

56 laughed and bounced back into the room.

>Room service? Is this room service? I bet it is! Hey, hey, can I get one’a those fizzy caramel drinks? Oh and bring one for Moons, too!

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 >Arana
"Twilight"
~~~

>MISS TWILIGHT! MISS TWILIGHT MISS TWILIGHT MISS TWILIGHT!

With a groan, she flipped over in the bed, draping a pillow over her head.

"First you keep me up all night and now you won't let me sleep? You are a cruel, cruel creature."

>But it's important!

"How important?"

>This important!

"Didn't answer my question."

>Yes I did, I can't do better than that!

"And why is that?"

>Cause what could be more important than THIS!?

With a murmuring growl, she tossed the pillow aside.

"MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHA-...."

>...The fact our room is a fishbowl, is what I was going to say. It's a fishbowl with all the water outside. And the fishes are... things. They're things.

"...Yep... that's pretty important."

>Told ya'.

"..."

>...

"..."

>....

>"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
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 >Dash
"Spike"
'AJ'
[Rarity]
~~~~~~

>....

"What? Why are you staring at us?"

>Okay, Spike? What are you doing right now?

"Standing on AJ and Rarity, one foot each, and holding weapons. It is awesome."

'Do ya' disagree?'

>Normally, sure, but I want you to think about that for a sec, just a sec. You are standing on both of them.

[Right?]

>And they are both flying.

"Following so far."

>And the average Alicorn wingspan is slightly larger than normal.

'It is, Ah' noticed.'

>And you are both, presumably, side by side.

[What are you going on ab...]

"...If I look down, am I going to see their wings going through each other, or my legs stretched really, really long?"

>Bit of column B... Nope, just all column B.

[...I did want him taller...]

>Get on the ground.
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Chaos was breaking out throughout Partyland, the dream of Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich was becoming a nightmare. Fillies and foals cried, mares screamed, stallions despaired, and a certain Changeling Queen was laughing it up because this actually reminded her of some obscure joke her mom told her once. (Honestly, it was pretty damn funny in context. Like Russian anecdote)

More candy spiders descended on a the griffon royalty who were valiantly, but futilely fighting with their kin in the World Expo.

"You know, for all the certain death that's about to befall us, Idris, I can't help but be reminded of our first date!" Gwendolyn smiled as she took out the legs of a spider with a warhammer.

Idris scoffed. "The spiders were made from crystals, Winny." The king felt a tug and watched as his claymore joined his wife's hammer in being eaten.

"What do we do now, your majesty?" One of the griffon employees asked.

"We keep fighting!" The King roared and decked the confectionary contruct in the face with enough force to shatter its head. One of its brothers was finished off similarly by Gwendolyn decapitating it with a flying, scissor kick.
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 We tune in to Gwen and Idris beating the shit out of chaos monsters alongside their rallied, fellow griffons.

When suddenly! The King's back is taken by a liquorish octopus which begins to choke life from the good king!

"Idris!" But before the queen can act, her husband is saved when a familiar griffon- nay, a national hero rescues the King with The People's Elbow.

"Thank you!" Idris gasps and joins his wife as the hero smiles and takes a chair offered by the queen to break another candy construct.

"CAN YA SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEL WHAT THE ROC IS COOKING?!"
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 Completely non-canon
>Idris
"Gwen"
'Chrysalis'
[Chitania]
-Celestia-
~~~
-Wait, how in mom's name are you two so badass when you don't even have magic?-

'Seriously? Don't you know, Celly? Authority equals badassery! I beat you not because of Shiny's love, but because I'm a queen and you're just a princess, just like you can whoop anyone else because they're peasants and your royalty. Also, Blueblood can pack hit pretty hard.'

>It's true.

-Bull! Shit!-

[Don't believe us? Hang on.]

Chitania goes super sizain

[Hit me with your best shot!]

-Gladly!-

Ping.

[Right, now let a REAL royal try.]

"I'll take up that challenge."

FALCON PUNCH!

Chitania is knocked down and somehow has a black eye and missing teeth from being punched in the leg

'see?'

-No! No! This makes no sense at all! No way a rank in royalty can actually mean anything! I mean Shining kicked all your asses!-

"Yes, but he's head of the Crystal EMPIRE"

>Meaning he's actually an EMPEROR and outranks Chrysalis and Chitania

[Yep, don't wanna fuck with that.]

'I do! All day, every day!'

-THIS IS STUPID!-

>Come, fellow kings and queens, let us have a ROYAL banquet and leave Celestia to her *snerk* LESSER royalty ranks.

[I'll bring the popcorn]

Gwen, Idris, Chrysalis, and Chitty leave

-... That's it, I'm taking Equestria into Imperialism and gonna get Roman on their asses.-
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 >DT
"SS"
'???'
~~~
"Ugh, what's with all the commotion this morning?"

>I know! And the room service line is dead!

"I give up, let's at least throw open the windows to try to wake up."

Window opens

>"..."

Window closes

"Tiara... please tell me-"

>They need his help... This looks like a job for-

'TBDRLIATU!'

They both stare at the rocket launcher in the corner

>... Okay, even I found that creepy.

"But you're still gonna go out, aren't you?"

>Of course! TO THE DIAMOND CAVE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tJ_Qk8ltI4

"Wow this is low budget..."

>Yeah... most of my money does go into TBDRLIATU and this is where it really starts to show.
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