$joke

What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y. - NBC

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down! - NBC

You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?
European. - giphy.com

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece. - giphy.com

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind...
it's tearable. - giphy.com

I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw! - NBC

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? - Paramount

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants! - CBS / Via giphy.com

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here." - Comedy Central

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1 - PBS

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse! - TBS

CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"
DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’” - NBC

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint. - Universal

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day! - New Line Cinema

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans! - NBC

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory. - NBC

KID: "Hey, I was thinking…"
DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.” - kuro-kokoro.deviantart.com

How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it! - NBC

A termite walks into a bar and asks,
"Is the bar tender here?" - CBS

When a dad drives past a graveyard:
Did you know that's a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there! - ABC

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted. - ABC

FAST FOOD WORKER: "Any condiments?"
DAD: "Compliments? You look very nice today!” - MGM

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it. - Paramount

I used to have a job at a calendar factory
but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off. - Warner Bros.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!” - PBS

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it. - ABC

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I’m looking for the man who shot my paw." - Paramount

When you ask a dad if he's alright:
"No, I’m half left.” - HBO

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted! - Thames Television

GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?"
DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.” - ESPN

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.” - NBC

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging.
They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on. - NBC

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions. - New Line Cinema

MOM: "How do I look?"
DAD: "With your eyes." - CNN

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na. - ESPN

What did the horse say after it tripped?
"Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!” - NBC

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. - ???

What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef Stroganoff. - Comedy Central

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents! - NBC

Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything! - Paramount

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef. - Howard Stern/Sirius

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino. - TBS

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles. - Comedy Central

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
I don’t know why. - USA

When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring:
"They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.” - ABC

When a dad drives past a cow pasture:
LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field! - giphy.com

What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. - HBO

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones. - Warner Bros.

Why couldn't the bike standup by itself?
It was two tired. - NBC

What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador. - Laugh Factory / Via giphy.com

Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had bad blood. - giphy.com

WAITRESS: "Soup or salad?"
DAD: "I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.” - Fox

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi. - Paramount

Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin?
It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal. - BBC

NURSE: "Blood type?"
DAD: "Red." - Fox

SERVER: "Sorry about your wait."
DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?” - NBC

KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!"
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!” - Flickr: gageskidmore / Via Creative Commons

What do you call a fish with two knees?
A “two-knee” fish. - FX

You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trumpet. - BBC

I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.
Man, they really grilled me. - Columbia

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite. - youtube.com

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea! - NBC

Can February March?
No, but April May! - youtube.com

What do you call a lonely cheese?
Provolone. - Disney

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent. - 20th Century Fox

When you ask a dad if they got a haircut:
"No, I got them all cut!" - replygif.net

What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!” - NBC

What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño your face. - HBO

Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought?
It was a total ripoff. - CBS

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
Bison. - CBC

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows. - Columbia

Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop?
Forever 21. - Hulu

You heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet. - CBS

DAD, TO A SINGER: "Don’t forget a bucket."
SINGER: "Why?"
DAD: "To carry your tune." - Comedy Central

Why did the crab never share?
Because he's shellfish. - Laugh Factory