Jokes

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Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says 'Wow, it’s hot in here.' The other one says, 'Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.';
A horse walks into a bar. Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.;
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor? Where is my tractor.;
What do you call a fly with no wings? A fly. The irony is unfortunate, but the name doesn’t change.;
Why are people like drums? Hit them with a stick and they make a noise.;
You know what makes me smile? Face muscles.;
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.;
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.;
You know what they say? Words.;
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.;
My friend thought an onion was the only food that could make you cry. So I threw a watermelon in his face.;
Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.;
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.;
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.;
What do you call a pigeon that can’t find its way back home? A pigeon.;
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being robbed.;
Why did Law get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.;
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.;
Why did Jordan stay home from the party? He wasn’t invited…;
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.;
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.;
A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs. The surgeon replied, 'I know. I amputated your arms.';
Why are hamsters like cigarettes? They’re completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.;
How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams? They’re both amazing at slipping away.;
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.;
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.;
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.;
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.;
Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them they disappear.;
What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither of them is a police officer.;
What’s green, red, orange, purple, blue and yellow? Colors.;
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall over if you hit them repeatedly with an axe.;
What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils? Broken.;
You know what's really odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by two;
A proton walks into a bar. No one noticed it because protons are tiny and everywhere.;
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound.;
What's yellow and is something you shouldn't drink? A school bus.;
When birds fly in a V, why is one side always longer than the other? Because there are more birds on one side.;
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.;
I have glasses but cannot see. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I? A riddle.;
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.;
What's funny about five people in a Chevy Suburban driving off a cliff? Nothing. They were my friends.;
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.;
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.;
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.;
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is peculiar and realizes it is because he is actually dreaming. The man wakes up from the dream and begins to tell his wife all about it. His wife simply ignores him and goes back to sleep. The man rolls over and begins to sob as he realizes his marriage is in shambles.;
What's white and can't jump? A fridge.;
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.;
What's wet and slippery and smells like a fish? A fish.;
A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar. Like a pole. So he got hurt.;
Helium walks into a bar. He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.;
What's a vampire's favorite food? Vampires aren't real.;
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it.;
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians believe that most pirates were most likely illiterate.;
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.;
What did little Timmy want for Christmas? Parents.;
FUN FACT: If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown.;
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I'm like this is private property and if you don’t leave I will call the police.;
Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup? Because he wasn't a very good waiter.;
If Dave has 50 chocolate bars and eats 45, what does he have left? Diabetes. Dave has diabetes.;
Yo momma’s so fat, we are all extremely concerned for her health.;
You know it's cold when you go outside and it's cold.;
What Do You Call a Bakery That Pregnant Women Go To? A bakery.;
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