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Prometheus Falls: The Last Flight of a Glorious Winged Fagg

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  1. "Prometheus Falls:  The Last Flight of a Glorious Winged Faggot"
  2.  
  3. by King Silverstar Thundercock Battlebrit, Slayer of Thots and Libtards.
  4.  
  5. Chapter One:
  6.  
  7. Dead-eyed and emaciated, Twilight Sparkle trudged wearily behind her master. Her hooves were caked with the mud of many a long journey, her once lustrous mane and tail now hung thin and limp against her bony frame, her once vibrant coloration a dull sickly gray-violet. Her cutie mark had long since faded and there was now only a thin patch of discoloration on her flank to hint that one had ever been there. Each day she yearned for Death's sweet embrace, yet she knew that Death would not come. She would not enter that cold and blissful eternal sleep until her hated master lay dead and defeated, and she knew by the rules that bound her that his defeat could not come from her hand. Hoof. Horn. Whatever.
  8.  
  9. She noticed that her master had stopped walking and was now scanning the air around him attentively. The silhouette of his flabby form stood upright in that peculiar way these "human" creatures had. His ponderous bulk, wrapped in sweaty garments and capped with a strange hat that Rarity had once, in a time long ago, told her was called a "fedora", cut a misshapen and corpulent figure against the murky autumn sky.
  10.  
  11. "What is it my master?" said Twilight wearily. "Must I once again slob your malodorous and unwashed tiny shlong?"
  12.  
  13. Nigel turned to her with irritation and waved his flabby arm, motioning for her to be silent.
  14.  
  15. "Quiet, wench," he said. "I was thinking about YuGiOh cards. And yes, I will need you to do that later. Or, actually, yes. Go ahead and do that right now."
  16.  
  17. Twilight sighed heavily, but did not protest. Nigel slid down his soiled sweat pants and the squat, stubby mushroom-shaped protrusion that he laughably referred to as his member popped out. Twilight approached with resignation and open mouth. Her lips closed distastefully around the hated little protuberance. Although the length was hardly a problem, being close enough to Nigel to inhale the aroma of sweat and moldy cheese that clung to him like a miasma meant that it always required all of her concentration just to avoid gagging. She could hear him breathing heavily and babbling about YuGiOh cards as her long-misused pony mouth worked its magic, and she thanked whatever powers might exist in this decaying universe that he never lasted very long.
  18.  
  19. He rubbed his grubby paws through her mane, which she knew meant that she would be scrubbing Cheeto dust out of it for the next week and a half. She didn't even know why she bothered washing it anymore. Probably because maintaining some semblance of pride in her appearance was the last vestige of self-respect she had left.
  20.  
  21. Her horn fizzed briefly as she attempted to summon a magic hand to massage his tiny raisin balls and hopefully make him finish faster. Her magic had been on the wane lately, the last aspect of her old self to finally start to fade. It looked as if that too was now almost gone; by her own estimation she only had one spell left that she could cast before her power left her forever. Did she really want to waste it massaging Nigel's balls? The answer to that was no, no she didn't.
  22.  
  23. Aborting the hand construct, she began to focus her concentration on something more complex. She knew that she had precious little power left, but if she used it conservatively she might just be able to pull this off. She had to bet it all on a miracle.
  24.  
  25. She closed her eyes, channeled her power, and made a wish.
  26.  
  27. When she opened her eyes, Nigel had finished. With a look of disgust, she spat out his revolting seed. Glumly she stood and watched it seep slowly into the dusty ground as Nigel tugged up his sweat pants, continuing to babble about YuGiOh cards. Looks like her wish hadn't come true.
  28.  
  29. Or had it?
  30.  
  31. As she turned her attention to the road before them, she became aware of a figure on the horizon, a tall and gaunt silhouette that seemed to make the air around them grow colder as soon as it appeared. Nigel seemed aware of it too, for as he gazed upon it his jellylike mass was trembling.
  32.  
  33. "Who on earth are you?" he demanded as the figure approached.
  34.  
  35. The figure did not answer, but Twilight knew. She had seen this apparition in her books of spells long ago. She had called out his name on many a lonely night lying next to a snoring Nigel, bathed in his musky odor; in those moments of despair she had sought out the comfort of this figure's merciful touch. This was the Omega, the Terminus; Death, the end of all things.
  36.  
  37. "You know who I am, mortal," Death sneered, and Nigel's legs began to quake with terror.
  38.  
  39. "W-what do you want with me?" he cried.
  40.  
  41. "Your time has come," said Death, beckoning with his scythe.
  42.  
  43. Yes, thought Twilight. Finally.  This is the end.  One way or the other, soon I will be free.
  44.  
  45. She stood, grinning like a giddy school filly, watching as Nigel began to quake and stammer.
  46.  
  47. "Stop babbling," snapped Death. "The fissure awaits. You must come with me."
  48.  
  49. "W-w-wait!" cried Nigel. Death turned. "Maybe we can work something out."
  50.  
  51. Death looked amused.
  52.  
  53. "Work something out?" he mocked. "You don't 'work something out' with me, mortal. Come."
  54.  
  55. "Well," continued Nigel, stalling. "Perhaps…"
  56.  
  57. Then, suddenly, a light dawned in his eyes.
  58.  
  59. "Hold on a minute, Death! I challenge you!"
  60.  
  61. Death turned around fully.
  62.  
  63. "You challenge me? No mortal has dared to challenge me in over 9000 years!"
  64.  
  65. Twilight suddenly realized where this was going, and her spirits sank.
  66.  
  67. No, she whispered, No, it's not fair.  I was so close…
  68.  
  69. Nigel smugly tipped his fedora, striking a pose against the gray sky that he probably thought made him look cool.
  70.  
  71. "I challenge you…" he said dramatically, "…to a DUEL!"
  72.  
  73. "no…" whispered Twilight hoarsely. "no, for the love of all that is holy, don't accept…"
  74.  
  75. Death, however, either did not hear her or paid her no mind. A ghostly grin spread across his bony face.
  76.  
  77. "Very well," he said, "I accept."
  78.  
  79. Nigel whipped out his YuGiOh cards.
  80.  
  81. "Then let the game…BEGIN!"
  82.  
  83.  
  84.  
  85.  
  86. Chapter Two:
  87.  
  88. Twilight stared, bleary eyed, as the game dragged on into its fourteenth hour.
  89.  
  90. It seemed that Death had not known what it was that he had been getting himself into. For though the apparition had existed since the very genesis of life itself, and had intermittently been challenged by foolish mortals thinking they could prolong their pitiful existence through games of wits or chance, even Death had not been prepared to encounter autism of this magnitude.
  91.  
  92. "Wait a minute," said Death, staring perplexedly at the array of cards before him. "I thought this dragon thing had some kind of protection spell on it."
  93.  
  94. Nigel grinned.
  95.  
  96. "You have once again fallen into my trap. Your rock-type is susceptible to my flying-type, obviously, but what you don't realize is that despite being able to easily smite my lawn-type, I was able to sacrifice Brapenflap in order to lay the groundwork for several key attacks that took out your brick-type array that you were using for your front line. I only had to summon my Jizzmaster and cast Flooger on your Muffintop before Hebrajew came out from the rear and took your Lambtron with lightning-rod and cast Rock Lobster to summon 800 clones of itself. As you probably remember, my Groinpulle cast Semenwave on your Titpecker back on turn 46. You probably were wondering why I even did that. Well, as I'm sure you're aware, even though Titpecker has 1900 DEF, that number becomes a mere 1750 when under the influence of Spheron while the kike-pond is filled with Webelos, as I have ensured that it is by running a full-tide pool and making sure to keep my bunt-cupboard stocked."
  97.  
  98. "Wait a minute--"
  99.  
  100. "Now then, as you no doubt have realized by now, Electric-type Jizzmotrons are capable of whacking the whickity whing whong at 400 microns per antelope. With a 4x multiplier to ATK, Wombox does an extra 5 points of damage per round every time Moonbutt casts Zazzleberry to summon the Diarrhea Elves. Obviously, I have ensured that this happens every turn by casting Short People by Randy Newman on Wayne Knight in order to transform Gerard Depardieu's One-Eyed Wonder Snake into a Throbadong, but what you probably didn't consider is that Scrotor's multiplier causes Hebrajew to mutate every turn. All it took was one blast from my Spice Weasel to set off Optimus Prime's cunt modifier, so he became Galvanized, which causes your little Trilobite to herp de derp derp doo. Now, let's move on to Terrain, and why everything you've done so far is wrong."
  101.  
  102. "Look, usually people who do this just want to play chess or something--"
  103.  
  104. "UNDER NORMAL CONDITIONS, your Fudge Dragon might be able to withstand a Windbreaking of magnitude 4000, which you had no doubt anticipated. However, the thing that many people don't realize is that even though Papasmurf's invisibility spell is only good for 9 parsnips, a radish is equal to twelve cucumbers when the Lettuce-Spheres are aligned. At the center of the earth resides Dumbledort, who remains dormant until Pube Missile is cast, which I had my Walt Whitman do back on turn 58. I was able to keep him in my hand until turn 61 because of Dolphin Rape, when who should appear but a little Cuban Cat named Geronimo, who amplified Pube Missile and increased Jizzmaster's ATK to 3200, and also Brianized Titpecker's Aorta. You probably thought you could counter that with the Droopydong I noticed you casually laid out behind Muffintop. However, what you failed to realize is that Droopydong's fire attack doesn't work in the Cavern of Ass-vapors!"
  105.  
  106. Nigel threw back his head and cackled triumphantly. Death clutched his head in his hands, trying to wrap his mind around the web of autism laid out before him. Twilight Sparkle continued to stare, an expression of permanent resignation glued to her already despondent face. She had seen this dance danced before. She was frankly impressed that Death had been able to hold out this long; the last time she'd seen Nigel use his legendary Hebrajew mutation strategy it had ended the game by turn 117. She assumed it probably had a lot to do with chance; Death had just drawn a lucky hand in the first round. Those Firecrotch Space-possums were pretty useless against water-types, but on a celestial field full of Moon Pies, it was quite a time to be alive, so to speak. In any event, the Space-possums were all in the Graveyard now, and Death had used his last Resurrection to revive Max Cavalera just so he could cast Nailbomb and take out Sepultura. That had put Nigel's Fudge Tunnel out of commission temporarily, but it seemed that now everything was riding on that one Probot. She wanted to keep hoping, but judging by the amount of Poison damage Nigel's Bret Michaels was inflicting, Twilight didn't think Death could hold out much longer.
  107.  
  108. Her ears perked up at the sound of Nigel's triumphant cackle.
  109.  
  110. "You just activated my trap card!"
  111.  
  112. She sighed heavily, and plopped down on the gray, dusty earth. She shut her eyes, allowing the sounds of Nigel's autistic patter to lull her to sleep as it usually did. There was no point in watching the rest of this. It was only a matter of time now.
  113.  
  114.  
  115.  
  116. Chapter Three:
  117.  
  118. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  119.  
  120. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  121.  
  122. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  123.  
  124. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  125.  
  126. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  127.  
  128. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  129.  
  130. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  131.  
  132. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  133.  
  134. The meaningless phrase repeated itself in Twilight's mind over and over, gradually pulling her out of her dull and dreamless sleep. She groggily opened her eyes to see that the sky was slowly fading into dusk. How long had she been asleep?
  135.  
  136. Not far away from where she slept, Death and Nigel still sat on the hilltop, playing their game. Twilight was frankly astounded; only Death itself could have held out this long against Nigel's autistic knowledge of YuGiOh, or Pokemon, or whatever it is they are playing exactly.
  137.  
  138. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  139.  
  140. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  141.  
  142. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  143.  
  144. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  145.  
  146. Nigel kept repeating that phrase over and over as he laid down card after card.
  147.  
  148. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  149.  
  150. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  151.  
  152. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  153.  
  154. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  155.  
  156. Death just sat there, staring vacantly at the cards. Twilight groaned. She realized that somewhere, deep inside the dark depths of her soul, she had still clung to some kind of hope that even Nigel would not be able to win a game against an opponent like this, but as she watched him lay out his cards, that hope was extinguished. He had done it; Nigel's autism had officially transcended Death itself. She now knew that there could be no escape for her; human and pony alike would tremble and fall before this madman. No mare or filly (or colt) would ever be safe from the clutches of his grubby, Cheeto-stained paws. This was truly the end of all things.
  157.  
  158. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  159.  
  160. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  161.  
  162. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  163.  
  164. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  165.  
  166. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  167.  
  168. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  169.  
  170. Nigel put down his last +900 modified Hebrajew and cast Peenstorm. The resulting barrage of goat semen obliterated Death's defenses and reduced his Level 400 Weenwhacker to a smoldering mess of burnt flesh. It was over. Nigel had won.
  171.  
  172. He leaned back with a self-satisfied expression on his flabby jowls that made Twilight want to charge him with all her might, gore him through the eyeball with her horn if she could do nothing else, but she realized that she did not possess the strength to do even this. Her magic was gone. Her strength was gone. Her hope was gone. There was nothing else left that she could do, except submit. She plopped back down on the dusty ground to watch the last scene of this ghastly spectacle unfold.
  173.  
  174. And yet, despite being completely and utterly defeated at YuGiOh or Pokemon or whatever, Death did not seem perturbed. On the contrary; he leaned back and looked Nigel right in the eye, and for the first time in forever it seemed that Nigel's smug facade dropped just a little. Twilight lifted her head and her ears perked up. It was faint, but she was sure she detected a disturbance in the air, a slight crackle as something not of the natural order of this world began to manifest itself and gather energy. Could this be…no, it couldn't. But wait….yes! There was no mistake about it, this was Unicorn magic.
  175.  
  176. "I have beaten you fair and square," said Nigel. Twilight wasn't certain, but it felt like there was a slight note of panic behind the confidence in his voice. "Are you not man enough to concede defeat?"
  177.  
  178. Death grinned broadly, and the air around him began to shimmer.
  179.  
  180. "You may think that, but…"
  181.  
  182. Twilight was now on her hooves as the air surrounding Death began to warp and twist. The unmistakable aura of Equestrian magic, which she had not even believed could manifest itself in this world, could be felt all around her now. She stared as Death's form shimmered like a desert mirage, and slowly the apparition vanished into mist.
  183.  
  184. A new entity stood in his place. A Unicorn, like her. Her bright and vibrant light pink coat shimmered in the dusky light, her toothpaste-colored mane sparkled and shone as she tossed her head. Her cutie mark glowed faintly like the evening's first glimmer of starlight.
  185.  
  186. "…you were just too damn cocky, kid!"
  187.  
  188. Twilight's eyes widened. For a moment, she couldn't believe her eyes, but it was true. Against all odds, her very best friend in the whole wide world, undisputed Best Pony and Princess of All Equestria and the Lands Beyond stood before her, in the flesh. Starlight Glimmer had returned!
  189.  
  190. [cue music related, also some nice wind effects, maybe some strobelights or something]
  191. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12_WnaPmPI0
  192.  
  193. Nigel's eyes widened in horror.
  194.  
  195. "No! No, it can't be, I banished you from this universe!" he cried.
  196.  
  197. Glimmer smirked and booped herself.
  198.  
  199. "Oh, sweetie," she said. "You should have realized: no matter how far you run, no matter what universe you flee to, the fundamental truth of life remains the same: YOU CAN'T SHIM SHAM THE GLIM GLAM."
  200.  
  201. Nigel sprang to his feet, surprisingly agile for a man of his bulk, and tried to sprint off down the hill, but it was to no avail. Glimmer's horn flared with mighty Best Pony power that seized him and deposited him on the ground in front of her.
  202.  
  203. "I believe you know what happens next," she said, as she stood on her hind legs. Magic forced open Nigel's jaw, even as his eyes widened in terror as he realized all too late the trap he had fallen into. There was a burst of magic as Glimmer's genitalia transformed and expanded into a mighty Glimdong of impressive length and girth. She stood poised in front of him, danging the mighty member before his terrified eyes, until she pulled back her hips. Then, with a single thrust of her powerful pelvis, she forced the entire length down Nigel's throat until her massive Glimballs slapped against his chin with a great boom that threatened to rip the very heavens asunder.
  204.  
  205. "Pow, right in the kisser!" she cried.
  206.  
  207.  
  208.  
  209. Chapter Four:
  210.  
  211. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  212.  
  213. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  214.  
  215. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  216.  
  217. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  218.  
  219. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  220.  
  221. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  222.  
  223. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  224.  
  225. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  226.  
  227. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  228.  
  229. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  230.  
  231. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  232.  
  233. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  234.  
  235. The loop went on 1488 times and then cycled back to begin again, over and over. As Starlight Glimmer pounded Nigel's yeasty esophagus, the sun rose and set, rose and set, rose and set. Autumn faded into winter, winter into spring, spring into summer, summer into autumn. An entire year passed as Twilight stood, watching in transfixed awe as Glimmer's massive balls continued to rhythmically slap against Nigel's chin. She felt no desire to eat or drink; simply being in the presence of Glimmer's mighty Glimdong was sustenance enough for them all.
  236.  
  237. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  238.  
  239. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  240.  
  241. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  242.  
  243. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  244.  
  245. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  246.  
  247. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  248.  
  249. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  250.  
  251. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  252.  
  253. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  254.  
  255. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  256.  
  257. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  258.  
  259. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  260.  
  261. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  262.  
  263. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  264.  
  265. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  266.  
  267. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  268.  
  269. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  270.  
  271. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  272.  
  273. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  274.  
  275. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  276.  
  277. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  278.  
  279. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  280.  
  281. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  282.  
  283. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  284.  
  285. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  286.  
  287. "Pow, right in the kisser."
  288.  
  289. Finally, with a last powerful thrust, Glimmer concluded her business. There was a faint gurgling sound as her seed worked its way down Nigel's gullet, and then she pulled out with a loud slurp. Her genitalia returned to normal, and she dropped back down onto all fours. Nigel lay on the ground as he had for a year, his glassy and vacant eyes continuing to stare off at nothing.
  290.  
  291. "You are now carrying my child," Glimmer informed him. "It is the mystery of the dance."
  292.  
  293. Nigel groaned faintly but gave no other response. Paying him no more heed than she would a dead camel, Glimmer turned her attention to Twilight.
  294.  
  295. "Hey there, Twilight."
  296.  
  297. "Wow, Glimmer!" cried Twilight, "Great moves! Keep it up, proud of you."
  298.  
  299. "Thanks. Shall we get going?"
  300.  
  301. "Sure."
  302.  
  303. They began to trot off amiably down the dusty road together. Already Twilight could feel her magic returning. Her flank glowed softly as her cutie mark began to reappear; her coat, mane and tail were regaining their former luster with every step she took.
  304.  
  305. "So, what's been going on in Equestria since I left?" asked Twilight.
  306.  
  307. "Oh, you know, this and that," said Glimmer. "Oh by the way, it's called Glimmernigeria now. I'm the Princess of it."
  308.  
  309. "Wow! What a fantastic name! I can't wait to get back and see what you've done with the place!"
  310.  
  311. They continued chattering pleasantly as they disappeared over the horizon. Above them, a vast canopy of stars began to twinkle as night spread its dark shroud over the dusty landscape.
  312.  
  313. Meanwhile, on the hilltop, Nigel groaned. He tried to get up, but found that he could barely move his limbs. All he could do was lie there, pathetically pawing at the ground like a beached sea lion.
  314.  
  315. Suddenly, a dark silhouette blotted out the starlight above him. He looked up to see a familiar face staring down at him, her expression a blend of confusion and pity.
  316.  
  317. "Woah, what happened to you?" asked Sunset Shimmer.
  318.  
  319. Nigel could only gurgle in response, a thin ribbon of spooge dripping down the side of his chin.
  320.  
  321. Naruto and the protagonist from Pokemon, whatever his name is, Ash Ketchup or whatever the fuck, appeared on either side of Shimmer.
  322.  
  323. "Holy shit." said Naruto. "What is this thing?"
  324.  
  325. Ash Ketchup poked his blubberous form with a toe.
  326.  
  327. "No idea," he said. "I think it's a dead seal. Anyway, let's go. We're missing the totally awesome Pokemon tournament happening just down the road."
  328.  
  329. The three of them disappeared. Nigel tried to call out, but could only make garbled noises in the back of his throat as more semen bubbled out of his mouth. Suddenly, another silhouette appeared. He looked up to see YuGiOh standing over him, glaring downward with contemptuous scorn.
  330.  
  331. "Are you Nigel?"
  332.  
  333. Nigel nodded weakly.
  334.  
  335. "The Nigel? King Silverstar Thundercock, slayer of thots and libtards?"
  336.  
  337. Nigel nodded again, more forcefully this time, although he could still barely move his neck. A thick glob of spooge bubbled out of his mouth and landed in the dust with a soft plop. YuGiOh narrowed his eyes in disgust.
  338.  
  339. "Wow. Unbelievable. Un-FUCKING-believable. I journeyed over 9000 miles to match wits with the one and only Nigel, the undisputed master of the YuGiOh card game. However, at the end of my journey, I find only this pathetic faggot."
  340.  
  341. He spat. A glob of saliva hit Nigel in the face and dribbled down, mixing itself into the semen beard on his chin.
  342.  
  343. "You suck, Nigel." said YuGiOh, and walked away.
  344.  
  345. [FIN.]
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