Anon's Massive Shit or: How Diamond Tiara Saves the Town

>"Everyone in this room has 'til the count of ten before I go the bathroom and take a huge violent carnivore shit."
>The dining area of the Sugarcube Corner rattled with dropped forks and apprehension.
>"One," you said.   Diamond Tiara strut forward.
"I suggest a different plan -you turn your gangly two legs right around, head out that front door, and go do your business behind a bush like an animal.  Or behind a trash can like a homeless person.  I'm pretty sure your both anyway."
>She's not entirely wrong.
>"My normal shitteries are full to capacity, besides I found a marker on the sidewalk.  I'm planning to draw dicks all over the door."
>You lean down to her level and whisper. "I'm going to use my own as reference.  I like to be anatomically accurate.  Two."
"Aw hell, is he going on about his diddle-doodles again?" Tiara's father groaned from the back.
>"Sure am, sir.  Drew a new one under the river bridge last night.  Beautiful thing.  Laid it out to look like it was jizzing the whole river!  Three."  Tiara hopped up and down, her voice becoming a chalkboard screech.
"No, no, no!  Do you know why we're here?  Because it's my birthday, and in five minutes my fabulouse tres leches cake will be finished and I don't need your gross butt-billows to come out of that bathroom and ruin it!"
>"I'll have you know my diet is specifically tailored to produce the most aromatic of discharges.  Four."
"I saw you eating an onion covered in ranch dressing and tobasco sauce yesterday."
>"I never said they were pleasantly aromatic.  Five."
>Ponies hustled out of the buildings with their heads hung low.
"WHY WOULD YOU BE PROUD OF THAT?" she squealed.
>"My refuse makes people react.  It fills their lives with meaning and emotion, even if it is disgust and anger.  Six."
"You are sooooo groossss!  Daddy!"
"Yes, sparkle-pop?"
"Pay someone to beat this man up and plug his butt with dirt and sawdust!"
"Not until Tuesday, dear.  Daddy's man is on his day off."
"Darn it!"
>"That sucks.  Seven."
>She stands on her rear legs and points a hoof at you.
"If you go into that restroom I'll barricade the door and trap you in their with your poop for all of eternity!"
>You rubbed your chin.  "I think I saw a book about that in the library.  Eight."
"Applebloom was probably reading it."
>You both laugh and high-five each other.
>"Alright, alright, I'll make you a deal, if you can name a better place for me to shit and draw fat veiny cocks I'll go there.  Nine.  Better hurry."
"FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, PLEASE!" cried Mr. Cake.
>She trotted in little circles.
"Uh.  Uh.  The porch of twilight's new castle.  Applebloom's treehouse.   The salescart of that one stupid lady who charged my daddy too much for onions."
>You didn't look too persuaded.
"OOH! OOH!  I KNOW"
>She motioned for you to lean down and whisper in your ear.  Your eyes went wide and you grinned wide enough to show your teeth stained with caffeine and tobacco.
>Two minutes later you, Tiara, and her dad, Money Balls or Cash Swag or something, you don't know, where standing in front of Carousel Boutique.
"I'll let you have a piece of my fabulous cake if you managed to get her cat, too."
>You rub your hands and shake your ass.
>"Hehehehehehe.  Ten."
>You stomach rumbled and you shook your ass like you'd shake a bottle of champagne right before the pop.
>You ran for the front door.
>Rarity opened it.  She sees you charging and hears the exhaust of your asshole backfiring and propelling you across the way.
"NO ANON, NO!"
>"THERE'S NO STOPPING THE STORM!" you cry and with one final windup of your legs and anus, you launch over her and past the door in a rocket of sharts and whooping.
>Tiara howled and hooted as the interior of the windows were slathered with a brown slurry darker and more dank than slime found in the caves of the earth's deepest corners.
>Rarity shrieked, but was soon silenced, lord only knows what happened to her.
>Squelches and thunderous explosions shook the support arches of the clothing store.
>"COME CLOSER AND FACE JUDGEMENT
>A cat yowled with great fury and misery from within the depths of the home.  Tiara hopped up and down.
"Ten points!  Ten points!  He gets the cake!  He gets a slice!"
>She nuzzled up to her father's leg and sighed happily.
"This is the best birthday ever, Daddy."
"Only the bet for you, sparkle-pop."
>You step out of the house, covered in streaks of nasty rank booty juice, smiling from ear to ear.
>"We did it, we saved Ponyville."
>You stepped in a patch of flowers, killing them instantly.  Nothing will ever grow there again.
"We sure did, Anon." Tiara smiled.  "We sure did."
>The three of you walk off into the bright morning sun.