Will, friends?

Disclaimer:
This was a spontaneous word vomit in the early AMs over the course of couple of days, so the mood and tone may vary throughout.

Hey, I do want to be friends but I can’t control my feelings toward you and it’s dangerous to fall into that mindset that I was in. I don’t know what to do to get over you and the feelings, I thought I was getting the hang of it, but it all came back to me in full swing at 5AM one day. I wish I can hate you so I can just be free of this, but I can’t. But I do wanna stop being mad at, depressed about, obsess over you though.

I fear:
1. that when I am fully exposed and vulnerable, you just take off running
2. that even if we stayed together (not as a couple, just two people “talking” exclusively) despite everything, you would just tell me to relax, be patient, not worry about the future, and never commit to this due to whatever reasons you have but just won’t tell me cause you are “uncomfortable” to answer for months/years...
3. that I can’t move on from you and I will be stuck in this terrible state of mind with no chance to ever obtain happiness and peace
4. that it’s always gonna be this way, I will always give 100% then you would just take and never return
5. that you are the one for me and I am just sabotaging things because of the stories that my twisted mind tells me
6. that you are not the one for me and I am just wasting so much time and energy on you when I should really just move on
7. that I don’t actually want to move on from you despite everything, now that is scary

The refusal to believe that you don’t need intimacy, I don’t think you know what intimacy truly means, so you think you don’t need it.
Intimacy refers to a person's ability form close, loving relationships. It’s a spectrum of emotional and physical closeness between individuals. Colloquially used it generally refers to a sexual relationship although in a broader sense it can mean a relationship in which people feel free to express deep thoughts and feelings.
You said it yourself that you find it difficult to talk about your feelings.

I want you to hear this:
“I don’t know” as a response, straight-up aggression or avoidance of talking about whatever uncomfortable things such as emotions, problematic behaviors, etc is not the way to solve anything.
I don’t know or I don’t know how/where to start WHEN the problem is identified... that’s you being too comfortable with this version of yourself thus not willing to do anything to put in the work to start the process of change for the better.
I thought that I was too easy, so you got tired after the initial excitement of novelty and I am just another name on your belt.
I am just not worth all the efforts, not even one bit due to whatever reasons you have. But I can’t blame myself for you not willing to seeing your problems, let alone acknowledging it as problematic and taking actions to do anything about it; I won’t know if there is anything that you find as negatives if you wouldn’t let me know so I can have clarity and assess to see if I need to work on or not. It is selfish of you to hide it from me, whether it is due to not want to make me feel worse (although the intention is good but there is an alternative motive - you don’t want to bear the guilt of causing more pain) but the truth hurt most of the time or it is due to whatever reason that I can’t think of.
The way I see it is that you hate the feeling of making me feel like shit BUT you also don’t see the need and want to be better. I get that I should not be the reason to motivate you. You should do it for yourself like I want to be better for myself.
It’s okay, I am not take it to heart because everyone has free will. You decided to leave because you are not ready to make that connection and you don’t see that there is anything wrong about yourself.
I’ve learned quite a few things since last year. From now on, I will only put value into those who want to stay.

Trust me, I have thought of countless ways to attempt to shift the blame to myself, but it just doesn’t make any sense to anyone, they see it as me having low self-esteem (self-blaming even though hardly at fault), that I am defending you even when you don’t deserve it, that I am making things up so I can feel that I had some sort of control over the situation.

If we do become friends again:
1. I totally understand that blocking would leave the other person feeling very confused and it’s irresponsible and inconsiderate because it’s a non-confrontational and one-sided way to shut off communication. So, I will not do that anymore, and if I need to stop talking to you for whatever amount of time, I will let you know.
2. I thought about this a lot, should I keep my distance, not be myself, and tone it down just so that I can mirror the amount of efforts you give back. Or just be how I was and only take a step back if you do not reciprocate the efforts.
3. I don’t know how to deal with your occasional ghostings tbh. If you are not communicative enough, I will most like assume and overthink about your actions and the lack of actions. Perhaps it will be different when I know that I am no longer more than a friend.

To be quite honest, I don’t know what I am trying to get at here. You see, I don’t even know myself all that well. I wonder how it is like for others to understand me. To clarify again, I am not attacking you or wishing bad things upon you, although there are still many unpleasant feelings lingering. Instead of apologizing for this, I will thank you instead for bearing with me. Let’s start being friends and see how it goes.