notkickass222urmom

wai-wai pt 6

May 28th, 2014
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  1. Well, here we are again. The movie was good, and I learned that microwave popcorn can catch fire. So it's been a good evening, and it will end here:
  2.  
  3. >Part 16: Assassination
  4. Sigh.
  5.  
  6. >It was 8am. John woke up. He was still tiered.
  7. I disagree. He's a one-dimensional as ever.
  8.  
  9. >Suddenly, John felt a "bar" feeling. He looked under his blanked and he saw. He was bar.
  10. I hope he means "bear", because that is the only way this story could get even remotely interesting or funny.
  11.  
  12. >He thought, "Ok only my upper body."
  13. >But then he looked closely. He was ... COMPLETE BAR. Not even underwear.
  14. So, I think we all figured out that he meant "nude". Still, I don't see why there's two and a half paragraph devoted to tell us that "John was nude".
  15.  
  16. >John thought. "Oh my F**** what happened."
  17. But there's only four letters in the word "fuck". You should know this Andre, it's pretty fucking basic. Unless he means Faust or something.
  18.  
  19. >Dash whispered, "Good morning LOVER BOY!"
  20. So caps sometimes means shouting, sometimes normal speech, and apparently sometimes you can whisper in all caps.
  21.  
  22. >John remembered and scared, "OH MY F**** GOD! OK 1. YOU HAD YOUR FIRST KISS WITH A PONY OK BUT ... GOSH I HAD MY FIRST TIME WITH A PONY MARE. What's wrong with me?"
  23. Nothing. You're becoming a horsefucker. I'm just waiting for Rarity to make you a computer so you can go shitpost in a general here.
  24.  
  25.  
  26.  
  27. >Dash giggled, "Hey John calm down, it was very nice yesterday, you wasn't so bad. It was REALLY GOD WITH YOU!"
  28. Well, Andre is basically this story's god, and John is is son/avatar/self-insert. So it was probably really god.
  29.  
  30. >Dash said giggled, "It was my first time too and I am so glad it was with YOU JOHN! We should repeat that because "Practise makes perfect."
  31. I'm eagerly awaiting more well written and thought out romance and sex.
  32.  
  33. >John said, "Sorry Dash but I have to abort that now, because I promised Twilight to help cleaning up her house."
  34. [INSERT ABORTION JOKE]
  35.  
  36. >"But hey maybe we can repeat that on the evening and tonight again?" said Dash
  37. Are all self insert stories like this? John is actually sort of reluctant. Dash, however, is fucking cockhungry.
  38.  
  39. >John blushed. "Ehm ... eeeeeh yes aaaaaha why not? I mean it was good so ... yea."
  40. >Dash giggled, "Oh my god John you are so funny. It is so cute if you stutter and blushed."
  41. How is that fun in any way? John is a terribly bland character, yet the story insists that he's funny.
  42.  
  43. >Dash asked and giggled, "What? Ah I see you still strung up. You need a "massage" tonight no problem rrrraaawww."
  44. Dash is what happens when you create a RPG and you make everything except for Speed and Libido dumpstats.
  45.  
  46.  
  47.  
  48. >John shouted as loud as he could, "OH MY GOD! !!!DASH GET DOWN!!!!
  49. >John said, "STAY DOWN, STAY DOWN ANGEL.
  50. >It rained shots through the whole flat. Tables, glasses, windows and other ceramic stuff splintered.
  51.  
  52. So I want you guys so imagine something like it was a action movie:
  53. John and Dash are lovers, who have faced and survived a tough enemy. After a night of fierce lovemaking, they're caught in a lethal hail of lead as they are attacked with a machine gun. Imagine the tension as John draws his lover to the floor, trying desperately to make her stay alive.
  54. Are you imagining this like it was a expensive Hollywood action movie? Good, then read the following dialogue from the fic:
  55.  
  56. >Dash cried, "What, what's going on?"
  57. >John explained, "I have no idea. Some one is shooting us."
  58. >Dash asked, "But with what?"
  59. >John answered, "With a machine gun."
  60. This is so dumb I don't even know how to react. How can you serve yourself a opportunity to write a scene like this, and then fuck it up this bad?
  61.  
  62.  
  63.  
  64. >John stood up... very slow. Then he heard something crashing on the front door. John moved further to the door. The door was full of slugs. Then he opened carefully the door. There was a ... radio set.
  65. Can you feel it? This is how it feels when shitty writers make up shitty plots to extend their shitty fics.
  66.  
  67. >A distorted voice said something, "John, I see your operator, your scared, I feel you worries and your doubts, there is no escape for you, you will pay for everything."
  68. OH HOW MYSTERIOUS. Getting real fucking exciting here.
  69.  
  70. >John shouted, "RUN DASH RUN!"
  71. Alternatively, she could fly. But you know, that would be stupid.
  72.  
  73. >A Vulture appeared. A mall flying object with a machine gun and two propeller. A kind of a war drone.
  74. The image url tells me this is a thing from CoD. I'm honestly not surprised, nor disappointed. I should have guessed he was a CoD kid.
  75.  
  76. >The crap thing shoots permanently.
  77. Sure it does Andre, sure it does.
  78.  
  79. >John answered in hurry, "It´s a drone a vacant flying objet which tried to kill us."
  80. It needs a catchy name. Like VFO. I'd also like to point out the difference between unmanned and vacant.
  81.  
  82.  
  83.  
  84. >John answered, "No chance that thing can scan the whole area in different types, in thermal imaging and so one."
  85. Fucking killstreak rewards OP, pls nerf. When did this fic go from sorta misanthropic HiE to bad romance to a dark adventure to even worse romance and then lastly into CoD?
  86.  
  87. >Dash said, "John I kick that thing to the moon."
  88. This seems like a brilliant plan.
  89.  
  90. >Now she was behind the drone. Her shoulder burned but he took that weird thing and hurled it against a tree as powerful she could.
  91. >The drone crashed against a tree and exploded. Dash landed.
  92. EXPLOSIONS YEAH!
  93.  
  94. >John was shock, "God damn you are bleeding. Ah god you had luck its only a graze wound."
  95. Grazing wounds are the kind of extreme injuries you can get from eating extreme grass. It's no laughing matter John!
  96.  
  97. >John had an idea how that thing entered the world. There are only two humans in Equestira. He and ... STEVE CONNOR!
  98. Oh yeah, that badly written character that never made sense and that I never cared about. Can't wait to see what he's up to.
  99.  
  100. >John answered, "I have a assumption. But lets go back to Twilights house we should save there. Come on I carry you."
  101. It's the subtle things I like the best about this fic. How the language always is a bit off.
  102.  
  103.  
  104.  
  105. >John explained, "We got attack by a drone, to long to explain please help her. Its only a graze wound tape her wound."
  106. Where did the drone even come from?
  107.  
  108. >Something appeared on the door.
  109. >Spike said, "It´s only a letter."
  110. >Twilight asked, "By? That's weird, because Spike got the messages out of his mouth."
  111. You do get mail that's not transported via dragonfire, right?
  112.  
  113. >John opened the letter and read loud.
  114. Didn't Steve play a message to John on a radio some minutes ago? Couldn't he have used that instead of sending a letter? How does even Steve know where John is? How fucking fast is the Equestrian Postal System?
  115.  
  116. >Hello John my friend,
  117. >I am sitting in the park, (for your information earlier it was the Centre Park) but It looks much nicer now I think, so quiet and so one.
  118. >But you ask what do I want from you? That's easy you meat me at 3pm in the park !ALONE!, not a minute later or something bad will happen, you understood? Remember I see EVERYTHING!
  119. >I know you will come and sorry for your girlfriend, don't worry she will be ok again.
  120. >See you later John.
  121. Do I even need to point out how clichéd and stupid this is?
  122.  
  123.  
  124.  
  125. >Twilight said, "He ... he is one of the immediate of Princess Cilestias guards. He is fine I know him."
  126. What? Does Twilight know Steve? Why has Steve gone into hiding using his own name? How the hell has a pegasus named Steve Connor managed to avoid attention? HOW THE FUCK IS HE ONE OF CELESTIA'S CLOSEST GUARDS? He arrived on the same date John did. That's not even two weeks ago. How the fuck has Twilight even managed to befriend him? Twilight has only been stated to go to Canterlot once, than that was the few hectic days she was there with John.
  127. How can a plothole the size of red giant just pass by Andre unnoticed?
  128.  
  129. >Dash smiled, "Yes and he is a good flyer but he still haven't got his Cutie Mark, that's weird, isn´t it?"
  130. HOW THE HELL DOES DASH KNOW HIM? How did a blankflank get to be a guard?
  131.  
  132. >John answered, "Guys, he isn't a pony!"
  133. >Everypony startled.
  134. >Dash asked, "What do you mean?"
  135. I don't even fucking know any more.
  136.  
  137. >"In real he was by the U.S Air-Force, now he is an international special agent for the U.S government. He followed me to Equestria. Now he is trying to kill me, I don't know why, but the only way to find that out is to meet him and to end this once and for all."
  138. Aside from possible vengeance, Steve doesn't really have that much of a motive. Or a character, for that matter.
  139.  
  140.  
  141.  
  142. >Suddenly Twilight gasped. "Oh no, if he is one of the guard of princess Cilestia he could kill her and Luna too. I have to write a letter now:"
  143. Letters! That's your answer to everything!
  144.  
  145. >John abort Twilight, "NO DON´T DO THAT. I don't know where he actually is, maybe he is still in Canterlot. If you inform her right now, he can kill her easily. Never mind he is a special agent of the U.S you better shouldn't underestimate him. They are the best. He is really clever. He chose to be a Pegasus pony, so he can observer everyone and everywhere."
  146. Oh, so a random pegasus guard just might intercept Celestia's mail, sent by dragonfire and magic, and kill her easily. A alicorn. In her own guarded castle. Because he is a US agent. Andre, I know you're German, and probably afraid of being proud of your nation in case someone calls you a Nazi. But please stop sucking American dick, at least this hard. If I have to read another 9/11 rant, I might just go gas myself. Besides, Steve is not even at the castle. He's in the Everfree.
  147.  
  148. >John looked to the ground, "He ... he asked an unicorn to transform him into a Pegasus pony. She did it because he would kill her and finally he did it."
  149. This has been mentioned once before, by Steve, but it's still complete bullshit.
  150.  
  151.  
  152.  
  153. >Dash said, "Y-You mean he ... he killed the unicorn which died for a few weeks? And he is the guy which attacked us?"
  154. Oh, she only died for a few weeks, so it turned out well in the end? Also, it would be nice if any of these characters had actually mentioned this before.
  155.  
  156. >John said, "No, I have to go alone. Please trust me. I don't know what he is trying to do. He is one of the best. He don't do anything without a hidden agenda."
  157. He has to do something without a hidden agenda. Mow his lawn, brush his teeth, tie his shoelaces?
  158.  
  159. >Dash had tears in her eyes. Now she showed her soft site, "John please don't go, I ... I wont loose you, you ... you are everything for me. I LOVE YOU. You had already risk your life for ME and the rest of us. Now you want to do it again, it´s very brave of you but, but, I ... I NEED YOU, who shall I angry next time, who shall I tickle next time, who shall I cuddle next time, who shall I show my newest movements and my secret places."
  160. So, again, normally against such long quotes, but I just think you guys needed to feel the mood. The beautiful yet sad athmosphere of this fic. Andre's superb prose. Another touching moment in the dramatic epic that is Wai-Wai.
  161.  
  162. >NOW OR NEVER! I take them an end. I take him an end. He terrorize the ponies long enough.
  163. This isn't even indicated to be speech. This is just the narrator. The Andre/John line has been crossed.
  164.  
  165. That's it for chapter 16.
  166.  
  167.  
  168.  
  169. >John arrived in the park. It doesn't need long and Steve appeared. John couldn't believe this. He must be dead, but he wasn't.
  170. HOW? We've been over this time after time. You knew he was alive in the chapter when he nearly died. HE FUCKING TRIED TO ASSASSINATE YOU LAST CHAPTER. How the hell could you be unsure that he was alive?
  171.  
  172. >Steve answered, "John I have my ears everywhere. Hey John do you know what´s so nice at this job? You know all the dirty things about a government and their plans. I´ve seen the darkest parts of Equestira and believe me not everything is so colourful and bright at is seems."
  173. Oh boy, we're heading into (grim)dark town now, aren't we?
  174.  
  175. >"Hey John have you ever heard about the "Rainbow Factory?" No? It´s like our Area 51 Oh if you know what happen there. You know a rainbow emerge through the sun and rain but the ponies here develop their own too. But do you know how they make it? Have you ever heard about "SPECTRA" They win it through killing ponies every kind. God the hell that was so ugly to see."
  176. Oh fuck no. We're going there. Why do so many shitty writers incorporate elements "loaned" from other, older fanfics? It's always shit, especially since the big two seem to be Rainbow Factory and Cupcakes.
  177.  
  178. >Steve laughed, "You don't believe, come I show you that. Hey did you know not even Cilestia or any other princess now that. There are a kind of "Anti Cilestia Agenda in the Rainbow Factory too."
  179. How much worse can this get?
  180.  
  181.  
  182.  
  183. >Steve answered, "John I knew more about secret projects and stuff as the President of the Unite States do. We are the best worldwide and here isn't it really hard to avoid the security systems.
  184. A random US agent knew more secrets than the President? I don't know what I'm hating the most right now, 9/11 rants or more US AGENT WORSHIP.
  185.  
  186. >John got abort of Steve, "Hahaha do you know what so funny is John? I could kill her whenever I want. She trust me, I am one of her personal guards.
  187. In two weeks?
  188.  
  189. >"I am her special guard, I am a Pegasus pony, I am a human, I am a special agent here, I know more then any other pony"
  190. IN TWO WEEKS?
  191.  
  192. >Steve answered, "Now John I told you only the half truth. I am here in this world since years. I knew what will happen long before you arrived here. I told you I come because your computers errors. That's not right. All what I wanted is to go to this time again, to do my job. It didn't need much time to get their confidence."
  193. This is the point when Andre noticed that a plot hole the size of the Andromeda Galaxy had appeared in his fic. So he decided to come up with a stupid solution. He also realised that Steve had no motive, so he decided to make one up.
  194.  
  195.  
  196.  
  197. >Steve Connor declared, "Ok John I tell you a story, you know I was a military pilot like your father before. Did you know your father and I worked together, we worked years together. And would you know how he really died?
  198. John hasn't even mentioned that his father is dead.
  199.  
  200. >One day in Libya 16. May 2023 we were attacked by some drones. Your father was a great pilot but he deserted me. Your father followed 2 other jets, me 3, I don't know how but he did it to destroy them all.
  201. Weren't you fighting drones? And then suddenly the drones were jets?
  202.  
  203. >I pleased your father for help but he didn't help me, he said he couldn't, he would fly in a air exclusion zone. So I had to jump out my jet and I landed in the enemies hands.
  204. OH NO, TERRORISTS! I like that it's not even stated who they're fighting.
  205.  
  206. >One month later a special CIF Team rescued me. Another month later we had a job to steal 2 fighters which were stolen by the enemies.
  207. Andre, I don't think that's how fighter pilots work. They don't go into enemy territory to steal jets.
  208.  
  209.  
  210.  
  211. >And here comes my chance to rage.
  212. When do I get my turn?
  213.  
  214. >We were still in a air exclusion zone, so it wouldn't attract if ... I shoot down the jet. Yes John, I killed your father, I was it who killed him. He would have kill of me in this dirty hole because your father was a coward."
  215. This is the worst motive for anything ever. I refuse to believe any of this was planned. Andre can't into plot
  216.  
  217. >Steve Connor and Robert Price in their carrier as pilots
  218. But this image shows Eurofighters.
  219.  
  220. John congealed, "You .... You killed my ... my father?
  221. Congeal, verb: become semi-solid, especially on cooling.
  222. Interestingly enough, Steve killing John's dad gives Steve to emotive to go to extreme lengths to kill John... for some reason?
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