Anima, Ch.33: Self-Denial

--01-- <BGM: Scene 05>
A familiar, disapproving female voice roused me from unconsciousness.

"...that this would happen. I am deeply disappointed, Mearaithe...but I will give you one last chance..."


--02: [Scene: Emain Macha] <BGM: Reflected Scenery on Water>
I awoke gasping for breath, with the worst headache I've ever had.
If I had eaten anything yesterday, I'm sure I'd be vomiting it up right now.
I see a cloudy sky above me... Where...where am I?


--03-- <BGM: Reflected Scenery on Water>
I groggily sat up, clutching my head in both hands as if that were the only thing that would keep it
from splitting in half right that moment.
A bench...in Emain Macha square?
...how did I get here?

--04-- <BGM: Death March> {SFX: lightning}
The realization of what I'd done hit me like a thunderbolt...
Oh no...
No... no... no... That...that really happened, didn't it?
I... I really did that...
What happened to me back there?
--05-- <BGM: Death March>
I hadn't been possessed.
I had all my thoughts, feelings, and memories intact.
I was in full control.
I was myself...just myself without conscience.
Without limits. Without restraint. Without mercy.
--06-- <BGM: Death March>
I have no one to blame but myself.
I don't know how I did what I did, or what magic I used,
but for all the power I'd held in that moment, I was in full command of it.
And I used it to kill Esras...

--07-- <BGM: Death March>
I gave her a horrible and agonizing death, and I enjoyed watching her die.
I did it because I wanted to. Because I could.
Nothing justifies what I did; not saving Redire, not liberating my friends...


--08-- <BGM: Death March>
My mind started racing in a panic once my headache faded slightly.
The demon was right about everything, wasn't it?
I won't get away with this.
I'm going to pay for what I've done.
They'll find me...
--09-- <BGM: Death March>
They'll lock me up.
They'll lock me in a deep dark dungeon and throw away the key.
They'll have no choice; they can't execute me.
They'll torture or gibbet me until I beg for a death that never comes.

--10-- <BGM: Death March>
Oh... Was it worth it? Was it worth damning myself to save them?
"Hey! Meara?"
I can hear them now. They'll hate me.
They'll never want to see me again. They'll turn me in.
I've ruined my life!
--11-- <BGM: Death March>
"Meara? What's wrong?"
I'm wrong. What I did was wrong. It's all wrong. Everything's wrong and I can't fix it!
"Devin, something's wrong with her..."
It's all wrong. I can't do anything... I can't...

--12-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky> {SFX: failure}
"HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING?!"
Ow! Huh, what? They're, they're here?
Vivian was in front me, hands on my shoulders. Devin stood right beside her.
I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn't notice them.

--13-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
"Um, I... I..."
I can't... I can't face them, after what I've done. I turned my gaze downward.
They sat down on the bench next to me, one on each side. Vivian put her arm around my shoulders.


--14-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
She wiped a tear from my cheek.
"Meara? It's... it's okay... What happened? What's wrong? You can tell us anything..."
Not this time. "I... I..." I can't. You'd never believe me if I did...


--15-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
You'd never look at me the same way again.
You'd never trust me again.
You wouldn't be my friends.
The demon was right...
My friendships are built on lies... I haven't even been honest with myself...
--16-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
I did what I always did when I didn't want to talk; I changed the subject.
"Why are you two here? Did...did you get a day off?"
"Yeah, something like that..." Devin said. "A lot of them, actually."


--17-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
"Craig dismissed all the trainees this morning...until further notice," Vivian continued.
"He said a problem had came up. He didn't go into details. He never does."

So, the Knights already know...

--18-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
They know Esras is dead.
How long until they make the connections?
How long until they come looking for me?
How long do I have until they lead me away in chains, to never see the light of day again?

--19-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
Vivian stood up, and put a hand to my forehead. "You sure you're...?"
She suddenly pulled her away with a worried look and hiss of disapproval.
"Geez, you're burning up!"


--20-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
Devin stood up too. "I'll take her to see Agnes, then. Um, why don't you get our things from camp?"
Vivian looked back towards the training grounds.
"Okay...looks like we won't be back for a while."


--21-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
She turned and walked away, muttering, "Looks like we're going to need a new place to stay..."

Devin pulled me to my feet, holding me by the shoulders for support.
"Can you walk?"

--22-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
I weakly nodded. "Maybe."
I'm...not actually sure. I still feel so drained...
One foot after the other. Forward.
I have to move forward somehow, even if it's just to run away...

--23-- [Scene: none]
I...didn't feel any better after walking.
Devin practically had to carry me for the last thirty feet.
Agnes looked me over for a while as I sat on a bench, but she didn't find anything unusual...


--24-- [Scene: Emain Macha] <BGM: Viridian Emerald>
(Agnes)
Hmm... I don't see any physical injuries...
I can't explain her fever, either... I'm at a loss. I'm sorry.
Maybe the best thing would be for you to just go and get some rest.


--25-- <BGM: Viridian Emerald>
(Agnes)
Sorry I wasn't more helpful. Sir, would you be a gentleman and walk her home?
And soon; it looks like rain.



--26-- <BGM: Back in the Happy Days>
"Home? You have a home?"
"Yeah...I'm...renting a place...up by Dugald."
"That's a long way to walk... You think you can make it that far on your own?"
"...No."
"Hmm... Didn't think so..."
--27-- <BGM: Back in the Happy Days>
A raindrop falls. "Figures, it had to start raining," I grumbled.
Devin looked up at the cloudy sky. "How about we sit at the auditorium to wait it out?
Maybe you'll feel better by the time it's over."


--28-- <BGM: Back in the Happy Days>
I don't think I'll ever feel better again...
We sat in the auditorium's entryway, under the small bit of roof it had there.
"Um..." He sighed. "I'm...sorry that I've been distant lately...."


--29-- <BGM: Back in the Happy Days>
"Say, Meara, when...when you're feeling better, I, uh..."
He looked over at the nightclub, then back at me.
"Would you mind, uh, coming to Bean Rua with me one evening? Just the two of us...?"


--30-- <BGM: Back in the Happy Days>
You're...asking me out? At a time like this?
But isn't this what I wanted? To be able to spend time with you again?
Isn't this what I went to all that trouble for?
What I was willing to *kill* for?

--31-- <BGM: Back in the Happy Days>
I... I want this.

"...Okay... Sure... I'll...let you know when I'm feeling up to it..."
I smiled, despite my inner turmoil.
The rain continued, a gentle white noise washing out everything else...
--32-- [Scene: none]
I leaned against Devin, my head on his shoulder.
So tired... I struggled to keep my eyes open.
The sound of the rain was slowly lulling me off to sleep...
I hadn't intended to doze off, but...I...

--33-- [Scene: Dugald Aisle] <BGM: Wake Up in the Morning Sun>
I awoke to find myself at home, in my own bed, and sat up in bewilderment.
What? How did I get back here?
There's...people sitting at my table. Devin and...Kiandra?


--34-- <BGM: Wake Up in the Morning Sun>
"Heya, kiddo," the black-clad woman said, sitting at the far end of the table.
"In case you're wondering, I carried you home," Devin added. "Though I had to ask her where you lived."



--35-- <BGM: Wake Up in the Morning Sun>
Well, of course she'd know, she was here when I won the auction.
"What...time is it?"
"Half past four, I think," Kiandra said.
"You were out all day. Feeling any better now?" Devin asked.

--36-- <BGM: Wake Up in the Morning Sun>
"I'm... I'm not sure..." I'm not feeling any better...
I laid back down, staring up at the thatch ceiling.
"At least I'm not feeling any worse. I'll...I'll be okay...in time. I think."


--37-- <BGM: Wake Up in the Morning Sun>
Kiandra sat up and stretched. "Let's leave and let Sleeping Beauty get some rest."
She grabbed Devin by the arm.
"Take care, Meara. Come along, Prince Charming, and tell me what you're up to now."


--38-- <BGM: Wake Up in the Morning Sun>
"Well, I, uh..." Devin trailed off as Kiandra tugged him along.
They slammed the door behind them.
I faintly heard them talking outside for a while, but couldn't make out the words through the wall.


--39-- <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
How can I go on, knowing what I did?
Knowing that a horrible power is brimming just below the surface,
waiting for me to give in to it again in a moment of weakness?

I...don't know what to do...
--40-- <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
I can't ever use it again. I mustn't!
The next time...what if I end up hurting the people I care for?
I don't know if I could stop myself.
I don't know what I might do...and I don't want to find out.

[end of chapter]