5/8/20

what is the meaning of it all?


we wake up everyday and are forced to make decisions in a world we never asked to be apart of. we try to keep going, pushing ourselves to find the meaning of it all. we go through various forms of media trying to find our answers.

in the end it feels like all we really do is eat, sleep, drink, piss, and die.

one thing in particular that i think is kinda funny is that we are expected to understand or care about life in the first place. we are brought into this world and automatically expected to "make something" of ourselves and follow all of these rules. parents get upset when you leach off of them, some even get upset when you ask them for the bare minimum of raising you... they want to kick you out as soon as possible but not before dictating your entire life and every choice you make. and even when you move out and pay your own bills, they want to micromanage every single thing you do. you are twenty one years old and reprimanded for drinking a glass of wine.

and why do we form attachments to the people around us just because they exist in the same general proximity to us.... and why do we care about someone just because they share our same blood? what is it about someone being your 'mother' that makes it acceptable for them to put you through eternal hell? unconditional love is real, and i believe i have experienced it many times. but at what cost? is it really all its cracked up to be? unconditional love is a fools love. how can you love someone no matter what they do? if they kill someone, themselves, or even you, you would still love them. this is so fucked up, so unbelievably fucked up. and yet it is so pushed to love someone and forgive them, put up with them, all because you are related to them. this is a flawed idea, family is not everything and you will be fine alone. you came into this world alone and you will leave it alone. as much as it feels like eating razor blades, you must learn to cope with being alone. the longer you can go, the better off you will be.

and yet we use family as a huge reason to stay on earth. we aren't allowed to be selfish, you have to always think of others. well thinking of others is getting exhausting. i am so incredibly tired of caring about others. and i don't say this because i want others to be in pain or sad, quite the contrary honestly. part of me wishes that we could live in a make believe world where nobody had to experience hardship and we all lived in happiness and rainbows and didn't have to go through the real shit. but in that world, nobody would even be who they are, so what is the point? they would all just be a bunch of stupid npc carbon copies with the same boring looks, hobbies, passions.. it would be so incredibly boring. i would think that i would hate to live in a world like that. i'd rather feel so bleak and sad, at least they are real emotions. my past and pain made me who i am, without it i wouldn't even be myself. did it all happen for a reason?