There’s no good way of going about this. Just based on the premise of this conversation, you’re gonna make of this what you will. No matter how I go about this, it’s gonna leave a mark. I think I’ve had a few instances where I DMd you to talk about things before, and you’ve told me how you don’t feel like you can tell me things or make jokes around me anymore. Or maybe this comes off as me being extremely paranoid over things that are relatively inconsequential, which also gives off poor impressions. Either way, I’ve burned tons of bridges, and that’s entirely on me. I know I don’t always handle things the best way, and I’m lucky that people still put up with my shit despite that. But there’s this thought that’s lingered in one way or another, one that truthfully scares me. Heck, we’ve even talked about it before.

I keep feeling like we’re drifting apart as friends or something. I feel like this shouldn’t be the case, that it’s all in my head and that it’s all total nonsense. I don’t wanna feel this way man. I truthfully consider you to be one of my best friends. I mean, I have no qualms with you being as close as you are with say, Hero or Jackie or Sunny or some shit. I really honestly don’t. But damn, I feel like fuckin’ Glimmer from the Princess Prom for some reason :joy:

I can’t help but feel like there are some things happening that get between us. Like, I keep looking at myself and thinking about our daily interactions. Yeah, we meme it up and it’s fun usually, but I wonder if I’m taking it too far. Or if I’m being annoying by bringing up the same fucking memes over and over, or if I’m being a legit mean-spirited asshole at times. I know you were a little upset at me when we talked about Room (2015) that one time. That’s where our conversations seem to go. At least, that’s where I guess I tend to take it. Memes are easy to default to- heck it feels weird not to default to memes at this point. I know how you’ve talked about Auto being annoying with his constant memery as well, and it makes me wonder if I’m falling within that same trap.

And well, this sorta leads me into another line of thought. I really want you to know that I’m not making any legit serious accusations. I’m more just describing how I’ve felt, and you make of this what you will.

I feel like you’re avoiding me for some reason. Like, maybe once upon a time I was a good person to talk to but things have changed and now I’m just someone that repeats bad memes because they’re having trouble articulating serious thoughts and driving real conversation. Either that, or I’m doing what I’m doing now, bitching to you about things I don’t expect you to do a whole lot about. Goddamn, I don’t do a whole lot to show how much I care about you I’m such an asshole :joy: like what do I ever do for you? Others give you drawings, or a shoulder to cry on, or do a better job indulging you in your headcanons, *they don’t make fun of your way of life and very existence literally every time you have a conversation with them*. Like I have to bring up McDonalds or wheat fields or shitty West Virginia every time I talk to you, there’s only so many iterations of that joke I can make before it gets old and annoying probably. You sounded mildly irritated the last message you left me, and I don’t blame you.

This leads me into my last thing, and it’s probably the worst thing I’m gonna say today. Again, I should emphasize that I’m not making legit accusations. I’m just describing how I’ve felt and what I made myself believe.

I keep feeling like there are things you’re not telling me. All these little thoughts that wormed themselves into my head as described earlier, it makes me legit wonder. That, and I remember in the past when we’ve talked about problems over DM before and you told me that you don’t feel like you can tell me things anymore, or that you have to be careful with what you say around me. I guess it’s easy to say “no I can handle it lol” but that sounds awfully familiar to what Nat used to say, and we know how that story goes lol.

I saw Pulp Fiction recently, and that movie was honestly pretty toy story 2 but there was a line that stuck out to me. Something about how we can’t really promise that we won’t be offended, it’s an involuntary thing that’s gonna happen no matter what. And well, I guess I’ve been victim to that. We meme all the time, and 99% of the time things are okay, but then there’s one thing someone says that strikes a nerve and things turn to shit. God I’m such a no-fun buzzkill. I really like to try and think of myself as someone that can take jokes and criticism, and maybe most of the times I can. But the few times where I didn’t probably really stand out. I’ve tried my best to not make jokes that hurt other people (I haven’t really brought up your family for example considering your situation with your father). But maybe I take it too far too. Maybe I do it without realizing it. I should be better than this. I’m sorry I’m not.

I keep thinking about how we’ve complained about other people before, and what their flaws are, etc. all while talking to them like nothing is wrong. Having seen this happen before, I keep thinking people are definitely doing the same to me. I want to be better. I want to remedy all the things wrong with me, even if I’m not always the best at it. But I can’t even start if people don’t fucking tell me what’s wrong. I know this isn’t a good way of thinking. I should be able to believe in people’s ability to be open and honest with me. You have been open and honest before, and that’s another reason why I believe this way I’m feeling right now isn’t entirely based on reality. The main reason why I keep thinking this way is because *you can never be sure*. That’s an unreasonable line of thought for one reason or another, but I guess irrational fears are aptly named for a reason.

Yeah, I’m probably being paranoid again. You’ve chewed me out before about trying too hard and being paranoid ‘n shit. You’ve told me that I need to chill the fuck out and stop. I guess that’s another reason why I’ve been a bad friend; maybe I’m not very successful at remedying all the things you’ve told me. I don’t wanna paint you as a bad person. Every time I gay it up and praise you to the fucking moon, I actually really mean all of it. I think the world of you dude. I’m sorry I’m not perfect like some others are. It’s okay if I’m not your favorite or anything. But I still wanna at least be good with each other and have a good time. Make of this what you will. Castrate me for the thirteenth time about how I’m being paranoid or overthinking or needing to chill. Make me leave your server if you don’t like having me around anymore. I know I haven’t always taken things the best way, but if there’s one thing I hope you can trust me to do, it would be to have your well-being and best interests in mind. If there’s something I can do, I’ll give it an honest shot. If the problem is my mere presence and being… I can do something about that as well.

Sorry for dumping this all on you. Maybe I just needed to get this out of my system, typing this did help me understand why I’m thinking the things I do. Please take care dude. You have a busy life and you have so many reasons to be happy. If you don’t wanna deal with this, then maybe my feelings would be hurt but I would understand :horse: .  I just ask that if you have something to say to me, please be honest. I poured out my honest thoughts to you just now, trying to be this somewhat reliable person that you told me I am once upon a time. I hope you’d be willing to do the same as well.