notkickass222urmom

LtD 67-69

May 15th, 2014
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  5. >>Chapter 67 - Part 1
  6. > Title: Poor Peter... Or lucky Peter?
  7. Poor Peter, because he is part of this aberration.
  8. > Yes, there is a sex scene in this.
  9. Oh, yeah. Everyone loved the last one, so you just ‘had’ to give us more, right?
  10. > What? Oh, yes its a full on sex scene.
  11. Why? Was last time not enough punishment? Must everyone suffer the bane of your attempts at writing sex?
  12. > Simple, it was requested by fifteen people, plus the owner of the OC.
  13. There are people out there who read last chapter and said “Yes, I want more of that”.
  14. Not only that, but at least one of them said “I want to be a part of it” and asked Kickass222urmom to do it.
  15. And he said yes.
  16. > Be prepared, I've been reading to many Clop-fics since the last sex scene XD
  17. Great. That means your mind will be even more over-sexed than usual. And yet, I doubt all that reading will make you improve.
  18. > What? I'm trying to read all the HiE stories, and most have sex XD.
  19. He’s doing what? Damn, if he wasn’t brain damaged before, he sure was after doing that.
  20. > Also, no more sex scenes! I hate writing them!
  21. For some reason, I don’t believe you. It may be because there’s still 73 freaking chapters left, which I’m sure you won’t use for character development.
  22. > This next comment comes after I've finished the chapter:
  23. > I am never writing another sex scene with two different characters again!
  24. That doesn’t bide well for this chapter. If ‘this’ sex scene wanted to make Kickass222urmom not want to write smut anymore, then it must be really, really awful.
  25. > That felt so damn weird to write for those two!
  26. Let’s see, this chapter is about Peter, and he was randomly assigned to be with—Oh, God. Rarity is going to be next.
  27. Run, Rarifags. Run.
  28. > Well, I may do a sex scene with Vinetion and Celestia, but who knows XD
  29. Fuck you and your stupid emoticons, Kickass222urmom. The chapter hasn’t started and I’m already cringing.
  30.  
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  32.  
  33. >>Chapter 67 - Part 2
  34. > I came to a stop in front of a new painting. It showed a large Griffin fighting two ponies, a Alicorn and a Pegasus. In the background was a few destroyed buildings, smoke rising from the one in the middle.
  35. What? Why did you get a painting? Because the Prince and you beat up a griffin in downtown Canterlot? That’s stupid, Twilight didn’t get a painting when she sent an Ursa back to the Everfree.
  36. Hold on. Weren’t the other stained glass? Did you get a painting because what you did wasn’t worth a stained glass?
  37. > I then struck a heroic pose, "I'm Lance, hero of Equestria! I'm the toughest of the tough! Braves of the brave!"
  38. No you’re not. You haven’t done anything for Equestria. Fred did most of the work with his dad. All you’ve done is dick around Equestria for a year.
  39. > Suddenly, a loud agonizing scream echoed down the hall.
  40. Oh, no. Someone has become aware of their existence in a badly written self-insert fic!
  41. > [Fred] nodded and smiled brightly, "Luna's going into labor!"
  42. What? But she got pregnant much later that Twilight. Why is she giving birth now?
  43. > "Alicorn's are different from normal ponies. They give birth three months sooner."
  44. Oh, I thought the twins would be premature, but apparently it’s just plot convenience.
  45. Also, mares carry their foals for 10~11 months. It’s a simple Google search, Kickass222urmom.
  46. > I had fainted.
  47. Bravest of the Brave, huh?
  48.  
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  50.  
  51. Chapter 67 - Part 3
  52. > Annabel sat on a cloud, looking down at Ponyville, trying to come up with a prank.
  53. Seriously, is nobody going to question the fact that there’s a freaking draconequus flying around Canterlot now?
  54. I mean, really. Up until this point Discord hadn’t been reformed, so all they know is that his kind are extremely powerful and lack self-control. Even if they don’t know if Annabel is a threat, they should at least take some precautions. At least take out the Elements of Harmony and everything and have them on standby. If a new guy shows up in your neighborhood riding a tank, it would at least raise some eyebrows.
  55. Also, wouldn’t Celestia and Luna know about her? Wouldn’t they sense this powerful magical being suddenly pop into existence?
  56. > She saw Rarity walking down the street, but not alone. There was a purple Pegasus next to her, his wing was over her, holding her close.
  57. Oh, boy. I wonder what shenanigans Annabel will ca—
  58. > Time to turn a elegant mare into a sex hungry beast!
  59. Now I wonder if this is entirely the Kickass222urmom’s idea, or if the owner of the Annabel OC is just as sexually repressed as Kickass222urmom.
  60. > Oh joy!
  61. Joy is not really the word that comes to my mind, dear.
  62. > [Rarity] looked at him strangely, with lust filled eyes. Peter gulped, something seemed off.
  63. From this we should infer that they haven’t had sex until now, which shows a great deal of self-control when compared to Lance’s three day limit before going for Twi.
  64. > Peter was scared at first, but suddenly, let his brony side take over.
  65. I want to believe that, just like Lance has his Breaking Dawn thing, Peter will transform into a super-brony. That would make the following sex-scene hilariously horrible instead of just deeply disturbing.
  66.  
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  68.  
  69. >>Chapter 67 - Part 3
  70. > This is a bronies dream right here, and he was about to be living the dream.
  71. So there’s where the title comes from, this whole fic was going to be horrible smut between OC’s and canon ponies from the start! There was never any hope!
  72. > Warning!: Sex scene starts here!
  73. You read the awkwardly placed line of text. Turn around while you can.
  74. > Peter was to stunned to do anything. They hadn't ever kissed like this before.
  75. This means that Peter and Rarity had a pretty chaste relationship, comparatively speaking. Really, all of this is implying that they never did more than a few non-lustful kisses.
  76. > Rarity lowered her back side down to his lower region and began to rub her marehood on his member.
  77. I wonder if Kickass222urmom will ever dare to use “penis” or “vagina” at some point.
  78. > Causing it to harden.
  79. This was added as an afterthought, almost as if someone remembered that dicks get erected when stimulated.
  80. > Peter was loving this! He had never had this kind of contact with a girl before.
  81. I think this line speaks for itself.
  82. > She backed up till her head was in front of his stallionhood, which was sticking straight up at this point.
  83. I can see this play out as a standard clop fic. So, in the interest of our collective sanity, I’ll just pick the highlights.
  84. > Peter was losing himself in the pleasure of her touch. But he was unprepared for what came next.
  85. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if a girl is currently stroking your penis and rubbing her face against it, would it really be such a stretch to imagine she’s going to suck you off?
  86. > Sure, he had touched himself before, but its never felt like this! This, this was amazing!
  87. You can clearly hear the author’s enthusiasm behind these words.
  88.  
  89.  
  90.  
  91. >>Chapter 67 - Part 5
  92. > Peter smiled and kissed her, but she pushed him back, "No! I want you to pleasure me like I did you!"
  93. > Demanding much?
  94. Yeah, how does Rarity dare ask for retribution, right?
  95. Also, I’m surprised that they don’t just jump straight into sex, considering how Twilight doesn’t need more than a “Hi!” from Lance to be as moist as the ocean.
  96. > Rarity let out a small groan and pushed his face deeper into her. Seconds later, she exploded in this face
  97. Less than half a minute of oral sex from someone who hasn’t ever done something like that is enough to make her climax.
  98. > When the tip touched her lips, they both let out a small gasp.
  99. As we all know, the very tip of the penis and the edges of the outer labia contain more nerve ends than the rest of the human body combined.
  100. > Then, it hit a wall, her hymen.
  101. Sure, because Rarity hadn’t been sullied enough. Now we have to read about her losing her virginity to a stupid OC.
  102. > She let out a small scream of pain and sat all the way down on his member.
  103. She just lost her virginity and is able to take it all the way in a second.
  104. > He then began to release his seed into her, and at the same time, she had her third and last orgasm.
  105. Peter gave her three orgasms, the last of which was a simultaneous, on his first time. Just like in real life!
  106. > She smiled and put her face into his chest, taking a well deserved rest.
  107. Well, there goes the promised sex scene. As bad as it was, I felt that it could have been much, much worse.
  108. Though I’m glad Annabel didn’t live up to her promise of turning Rarity into a “sex hungry beast”, she actually seemed pretty normal. Then again, this is probably what Kickass222urmom considers a sex hungry beast.
  109.  
  110.  
  111.  
  112. >>Chapter 67 - Part 6
  113. > Sex scene is now over. You may now stop clopping.
  114. I don’t think anyone with even the lowest standards could have clopped to that.
  115. Which means that most of your readers did, in fact, clop to this.
  116. > (You better not have been clopping to this!)
  117. “Hey, I’m going to put this plate of food in front of you, I made it for you and you came because I promised I do it, so you better not eat it.”
  118. > Annabel stood outside the window, her mouth hanging open in shock.
  119. Yeah, it was a horrible sight, Annabel.
  120. > When she arrived, she was about to do her prank, but when she looked in the window, they was already going at it! How is that even possible!? This was her idea! And they beat her too it!
  121. That explains why Rarity wasn’t acting as a sex hungry beast but rather as a person with a somewhat reasonable sex drive.
  122. > Right now, she needed to get back to the palace and assisted Fred in the birth of his children. That should be fun...
  123. Has Fred introduced Annabel to Luna already? I don’t remember that happening. That means that a draconequus is going to pop out of nowhere in the middle of Luna giving birth and say: “Hi, I’m your husband’s best friend from the world he used to live and I’m here to aid you in giving birth to your foals.”
  124. > The next day, Dali's house
  125. Oh, we’re going to skip past the awkward introductions?
  126. > I awoke and sat up in a panic, "No! Don't stick that in my ass!"
  127. Let’s take this moment to remember that Kickass222urmom intentionally established “raped by a horse” as the backstory for his self-insert.
  128. > Twilight looked worried, but then became serious, "Lance, I need you too do something for me."
  129. And just like that, Twilight shrugs off her husband’s trauma.
  130.  
  131.  
  132.  
  133. >>Chapter 67 - Part 7
  134. > She perked up, "I need you to watch Spark all day today."
  135. Ah, some good ol’ father and son time. I remember all Lance kept saying about how he was going to be such a god father. After all, he took great care of his dog, Churchill.
  136. Hey, what happened to Curchill? Did he die after Richard tore down Lance’s house. That’s probably the case, he hasn’t been mentioned in who knows how long.
  137. The same happened to Weedy, Greg’s dog. And Louie, the idiot brony that wanted to be with Twilight but chose to be a dog because reasons. What happened to them?
  138. And speaking of characters that just flat-out disappeared, what happened to Malbatorus, that dragon that had a crush on Fluttershy and had somehow become her friend?
  139. Seeing that Shadow Breeze was introduced recently, and had a predilection for nature and taking care of animals, Fluttershy is going to end up with him. Will we get a chapter dedicated to the dragon’s rampage over his unrequited love?
  140. > I groaned and fell back, "Why!?"
  141. Yes, why should you spend time with your new son?
  142. Actually, why did it have to come to the point where your wife has to force you to spend time with your son?
  143. > She then smiled and released me from her magical grip, "Good. Me and the girls are going shopping, and Dali and Drax are coming along."
  144. > I groan again, "I want to come!"
  145. Oh, I get it now. That’s why Lance said he’d be a good father based on how he treated his dog.
  146. Because once he lost interest on it, he would proceed to ignore him for the rest of the fic.
  147. > She glared, "Not to day! You need to spend sometime with our son!"
  148. > "But..."
  149. Dude, stop making excuses for not spending time with your little abomination.
  150. It’s your fault that he exists, so chin up and take care of him.
  151. > [Ouch, it pains me to say this, but.... PUSSY WHIPPED!]
  152. Pussy whi—? Spark is your son, god damn it! Spend time with him. Did his dad also treat him like that?
  153.  
  154.  
  155.  
  156. >>Chapter 67 - Part 8
  157. > She then went back to normal Twilight, no more bitchy mom Twilight, for now that is, "Thank you honey."
  158. Jesus, he actually considers taking care of his son a chore.
  159. > I trotted down the hall and into the living room to see Spark. He was playing with a few blocks and laughing his little head off.
  160. I feel bad for that poor innocent foal. He’s not aware of the sins of his father, nor did he ask to come. And yet here he is, minding his own business, completely unaware of the hurricane of awfulness coming his way.
  161. > He looked at me and smile.
  162. Of course he would. He doesn’t know any better.
  163. > This. Is. So. Freaking. Adorable!
  164. Punctuation. Means. Emphasis!
  165. > <Today is going to be fun!>
  166. Forgive me if I have my doubts.
  167. > XD Went from sex to a happy scene between father and son.
  168. That’s tone and proper pacing, for you.
  169.  
  170.  
  171.  
  172. >>Chapter 68 - Part 1
  173. > Where did that little guy go?
  174. The chapter has just started and he has already lost his kid. We’re off to a great start.
  175. > I finally found him in the bedroom.
  176. You mean where you let him last chapter?
  177. Lance is breaking new ground with his stupidity.
  178. > I trotted over to him and smiled, "You want to go see your Uncle David?"
  179. “Because the alternative is actually taking care of you by myself.”
  180. > I chuckled and picked him up. I then put him in the foal carrier and strapped him in.
  181. Out of curiosity, how are you doing that? Isn’t the foal carrier strapped to your back?
  182. > "It had a foal?!" I heard a mare off to the side say.
  183. Unbelievable, I know. And with such a good mare. Ugh, the neighborhood hasn’t been the same since the OC’s moved in.
  184. > "Its just as messed up as he is!" Another said.
  185. I know! It’s such a shame. And it’s not the poor foal’s fault. It’s his dad’s lack of self-control.
  186. You know, I’m liking these mares.
  187. > I slowly pulled my wings back into my body and looked at them, pulling my goggles off in the process and giving them my most hateful glare.
  188. You care too much, Lance. So what if those mares make snarky, but completely accurate, comments about you and your foal? Just ignore them.
  189. > "I'm a he! A fucking he! I'm sick and tired of your and all the others here referring to me as a it! I can deal with it..."
  190. You’re a Pegasus/zebra hybrid with lizard eyes. Political correctness aside, you shouldn’t be surprised they’re calling you an “it”.
  191. > "but when you call my son a it! I will not tolerate it!”
  192. I’ve heard people refer to babies as “it” if they don’t know the baby’s gender.
  193.  
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  195.  
  196. >>Chapter 68 - Part 2
  197. > You're very lucky he's on my back, or I would beat the living hell out of both of you! I don't give a fuck if you're mare's!
  198. Yeah, I’m sure they can call the cops on you after making that threat.
  199. > I spit on one of them and turned, kicking dirt into their faces.
  200. Or for the physical assault.
  201. > I turned back, frighten that he would be sad or crying. But, he was fine, smiling and enjoying the view.
  202. Ah, as oblivious as his father, I see.
  203. > the door opened to reveal David, a bowl of spaghetti on his head
  204. I’ll be honest, this made me chuckle.
  205. > Rainbow Dash flew over to him and looked him over, "Aww yeah! He's going to be a fast Pegasus when he grows up."
  206. I know she’s just saying cute things about the baby, but Spark has his father’s OP genes. He might be the fastest Pegasus ever, of whatever Kickass222urmom decides to grant his offspring.
  207. > Forty six minutes later
  208. God damn it. Lance came here to spend time with David, and you’re just going to skip over it?
  209. Is this “day” going to be nothing but going to point A to point B with time jumps to speed the process?
  210. > "I'm sorry guys, but I want to do some other things with him before I take him to meet the others."
  211. Didn’t they all meet him when he was born? Or is his five day old brain developed enough for recognition?
  212. > David whined behind me, "But Laannccee! I want to show him how to paint!"
  213. Don’t worry. I’m sure everyone will get the chance to teach Spark their inane skills.
  214. > When I looked back to check on Spark, my heart exploded.
  215. Sadly, this is a figure of speech.
  216. > I stop flying and reached back to him, I unstrapped him and held him in front of me with my front hooves.
  217. Did Lance just turn off physics so he could snuggle his son? Because he was just flying from Rainbow Dash’s house.
  218.  
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  220.  
  221. >>Chapter 68 - Part 3
  222. > I spun around till I was flying on my back and placed him on my chest.
  223. See? He was still flying. He just… uh… stopped flying, somehow, nuzzled his son, and then kept on flying.
  224. > A few minutes later, I landed in Ponyville, and placed Spark on the ground.
  225. What? Didn’t you come from Rainbow Dash’s house? You know that she lives in Ponyville, right? How does it take you a few minutes to go from Dash and David’s house, which is already in Ponyville, to Ponyville itself!? Did Rainbow Dash’s house fly into the stratosphere? What in the actual hell?
  226. Also, if you could fly from Canterlot to Ponyville when you had that waiter job in a matter of minutes, why does going from a house in Ponyville to Ponyville take you that same amount of time!?
  227. GAH!!!
  228. > I then began trotting towards Sugar Cube Corner, hoping Greg wasn't there.
  229. Lance flew to a unspecified point of Ponyville instead of going straight to Sugar Cube Corner
  230. > She jumped over the counter, and somehow over me, and landed behind me, holding Spark in her forehooves, nuzzling him.
  231. > How did she... I didn't even feel... wha?
  232. Seriously? Chapter 68 and now you feel like questioning Pinkie Pie’s Pinkieness?
  233. > Pinkie Pie held Spark out in front of her and smiled, "Who's a silly colt? You are, you are." She said as she made funny faces at him.
  234. Oh, right. Pinkie Pie likes babies. I don’t think this is really a case of Kickass222urmom writing Pinkie in-character, but rather him catching a rerun of “Baby Cakes” before writing this episode.
  235. > I don't know how he finds that funny. With my eyes, I look... evil? Scary?
  236. Stupid, if you ask me.
  237.  
  238.  
  239.  
  240. >>Chapter 68 - Part 4
  241. > Two hours of playing with Pinkie Pie later
  242. You are supposed to be telling a story. Your job is to tell us what happened in those two hours.
  243. What is preventing you from just saying “Ten hours later, back at home”? Because nothing is really happening. There’s been no foreshadowing of things to come nor has there been any meaningful interaction between the characters.
  244. You suck as a writer, Kickass222urmom.
  245. > I trotted down the street, a large happy smile on my face. I haven't had this kind of fun in a long time.
  246. Oh, yeah. I bet it was full of fun moments we sadly didn’t get to see.
  247. > I then smiled, "Hey Cody, Ditzy."
  248. “Look, son. This is Uncle Cody; he tried to kill me once, and succeeded at killing almost a dozen guards! He got better, though.”
  249. > Cody spoke up first, "Lance! Its good to see you."
  250. I’m still mad that we didn’t get to see Cody redeeming himself and letting go of his frankly dumb need for revenge.
  251. I mean, this is a guy that killed almost a dozen trained guards, why did Kickass222urmom think that it would be boring to see him get better?
  252. > He then looked saddened, "I'm still sorry for trying to ki..."
  253. “Oh, still hung up on that? What’s a little murderous attempt between friends?”
  254. > I waved him off with my hoof, "I already told you Cody, I forgive you. One hundred percent."
  255. I knew he would react that way, but it still amazes me just how easily Lance can forgive his almost-murderer. Then again, he just shrugged off Dash and Luna’s attempts at raping him.
  256. You, know, seeing that he was raped by a horse back on Earth, what Dash and Luna did should have probably caused Lance severe traumatic flashbacks.
  257.  
  258.  
  259.  
  260. >>Chapter 68 - Part 5
  261. > Ditzy landed beside Cody, holding Spark, "Cody, we have to have a foal!"
  262. Oh, so she’s not Dinky’s mother in this universe? It’s weird to see Kickass222urmom shy away from a cliché.
  263. > Cody's eyes went wide for a second, but then went back to normal, "We'll talk about it, I promise."
  264. Hey, if Lance “Girokon” Greenfield can be a parent, then so can you, Stabby McStabberson.
  265. > Ditzy put Spark back n my back and smiled, "Where are you going?"
  266. Wherever the random character wheel says.
  267. > Cody nodded, "Sounds fun. Have you shown him to Peter and Rarity yet?"
  268. Normally I wouldn’t say a thing about this, but seeing how openly they are expressing their newfound love, and how prone people are to be found mid-sex in this fic, I dread the next chapter.
  269. > <Man, this kid is so lovable!>
  270. > [He sure is pretty awesome!]
  271. God damn it. It’s these two again. I’ve got to say, it was nice having almost a full chapter without their inane interventions.
  272. > [Meh, we was going through your memory again.]
  273. Is that horse rape memory really that interesting? Because I doubt he has anything else that is even remotely as interesting as that in his memory.
  274. > I sighed and looked ahead, ready to see Peter's and Rarity's reactions to us showing up unexpected.
  275. Yeah, because when you did the same with Fred and Luna, it turned out great for everybody.
  276.  
  277.  
  278.  
  279. >>Chapter 69 - Part 1
  280. > 69 XD
  281. Oh, shut up.
  282. > I trotted down the street, waving to everypony. They all returned my wave with a wave of their own, a happy smile on their faces.
  283. It seems that you’ve already desensitized everyone in Ponyville.
  284. > I love this town, the ponies here don't judge you based on your looks.
  285. And apparently won’t judge you on your attitude, personality or lack of one, or how much trouble you cause either.
  286. > Why did I even move to Canterlot? Why didn't I ask for a house here instead?
  287. What’s the difference? You can fly between the two cities in a matter of minutes.
  288. > Yeah, I'm an idiot.
  289. To say the least.
  290. > When I reached for the doorknob, I noticed a sign attached to the door. It read: 'Sorry, but we're closed'.
  291. Oh, well. I guess it’s time to go. There are plenty of other ponies that you can—
  292. > <Dude, just go in. You're their friend after all.>
  293. And that gives you the right to barge into their property unannounced? That’s not exactly how friendship works.
  294. Also, I was initially bothered by Dawn suggesting this, but then I remembered that he is Lance’s “calm and collected side”. Not his rational side. He has no logical side.
  295. > I shrugged and opened the door.
  296. Has it occurred to you that maybe they’re closed because they don’t want to be bothered? Of course not, other people’s needs are only minor inconveniences to you.
  297. Then again, their door wasn’t locked. Why didn’t Rarity lock the door if she was closing the shop?
  298. > Inside, it was silent and dark. There was a strange feeling in the air, but I couldn't place my hoof on it.
  299. Anyone with a drop of common sense would leave by this point.
  300. > I walked in and let the door close behind me, cutting off the light to the room.
  301. Which is why our protagonist keeps going inside.
  302.  
  303.  
  304.  
  305. >>Chapter 69 - Part 2
  306. > Once there, I saw some light coming from under the door. I smiled, found them.
  307. Quick question, why didn’t Lance call them out? You know, yell their names to see if they are home.
  308. > My smile disappeared, and said under my breath, "I should have seen this coming."
  309. Oh, right. So he could find them having sex.
  310. > Peter was strapped to the wall in a awkward position, a gag of some sorts stuck in his mouth.
  311. See, ‘this’ is more akin to what a “sex hungry beast” would do.
  312. > I'm not going to explain the other... details.
  313. Good, because you suck at them.
  314. > Peter looked up and began to thrash around, trying to tell Rarity I was in the room.
  315. Surely she would have heard them by now, right? I’m sure Spark is at least making his “cute” noises.
  316. > I walk out the door and sigh, that was strange and awkward. Lucky Peter, Twilight has never done that to me!
  317. One would think that his rape-by-horse experience would turn him out from more extreme sexual experiences, but alas, that is just another mild inconvenience for Lance Greenfield.
  318. > <Wait... where did all our dogs go?>
  319. Oh, so you didn’t just write them off. I wonder if Kickass222urmom actually remembered them, or someone else reminded him of the dogs. Maybe the weirdo that ask for the dog OC wanted to be back in the action.
  320. > 248 miles away, dense forest
  321. Here we see two staples of Kickass222urmom’s writing style. His love for oddly specific numbers, and his inability to make decent transitions.
  322. Seriously, seeing how his writing style is so dialogue heavy and full of bland descriptions, he might as well be writing scripts.
  323. > Weedy stood off to the side, wearing his fedora.
  324. This was the best way of starting this, it surely was.
  325.  
  326.  
  327.  
  328. >>Chapter 69 - Part 2
  329. > He watched as his brothers, Leonardo and Churchill, both trying to figure out a way to get across the river safely.
  330. Will we ever know how the dogs came here? What compelled them to leave their masters? Knowing Kickass222urmom, we either won’t or get it all explained in a single paragraph.
  331. > They had all left home, wanting to get find the place their mother had talked about. A place where dogs ran free and proud, with no worries or regrets.
  332. Toldja.
  333. Also, how does Winona know of this place? Is ‘that’ ever going to be explained?
  334. > you can't hold a dog down forever. They may return, maybe.
  335. You’re thinking of cats.
  336. > Weedy looked back at his brothers and rubbed a paw to his face and began to bark at them, 'You numb skulls! You don't use a rock to float across a river!'
  337. Funny that Weedy should be the voice of reason, seeing that he was an addict back when Greg also was one.
  338. And I say was, because he’s hardly shown smoking anymore.
  339. > Churchill raised an eyebrow, 'We don't know who is older. We all came out at the same time.'
  340. Wha—? No, that’s not how. Ugh, forget it.
  341. > Back to Lance and Spark, two hours later
  342. I am getting sick of this unnecessary time jumps. Why couldn’t we just get back to Lance and Spark immediately after they left Carousel Boutique?
  343. > I smile to myself as I walk down the now empty street.
  344. Has everyone started avoiding Lance?’
  345. > <Damn, this is like Silent hills...>
  346. Don’t be silly. There are no hills in the middle of Ponyville, silent or noisy.
  347. Unless you meant the videogame Silent “Hill”, in which case, you’re an idiot.
  348. > This better not be some murder scene where I have to fight for my life... and my sons life.
  349. Yes, please. No more fight scenes.
  350.  
  351.  
  352.  
  353. >>Chapter 69 - Part 4
  354. > I tensed up and I twisted around to see... Ditzy running towards me.
  355. > She giggled and grabbed my hoof, "Come with me! Its important!"
  356. She seems to be happy, so I doubt anything bad has happened.
  357. Then again, it might as well be the Apocalypse. It’s not as if anything makes sense in this fic.
  358. > I laughed as she pulled me down the street, towards the library.
  359. I still don’t know what the state of the Library is. Twilight moved out, but it was given to her by Celestia, so I guess it’s state-owned, just like Lance’s house.
  360. > Suddenly, the lights flared to life, "SURPRISE!"
  361. Uh, what?
  362. > Above them was a banner, 'Happy birthday Lance!'
  363. What!?
  364. > Twilight walked out of the crowd, a large smile on her face. She trotted over to me and gave me a peck on the cheek, "Happy birthday honey."
  365. He lives in Canterlot. You left him in Canterlot. None of you said that he was going to Ponyville.
  366. Why are you throwing him a party in the Library!? Why did you plan his birthday party in another city? Did you have everything ready and were just following Lance to see where he would go and throw him a party wherever he’d be?
  367. What the hell is wrong with everyone!?
  368. > I chuckled and returned her kiss, "Thanks. How did you know today was my B-day?"
  369. You’ve known each other for almost a year, you got married, and you had a kid together.
  370. Not once did she ask about your birthday? Should we assume you didn’t ask hers either?
  371. > She gave a smug look, "Your mom."
  372. I’m glad to know that Dana is over her issues with his son living on his own, and managed to grow as a character. If only everyone else could do the same.
  373. > "No dude, I'm eighteen now."
  374. Great, now he’s old enough to go to jail.
  375. Huh, is that why they let Cody go? He was too young for prison too?
  376. > Two hours of partying later
  377. I’m starting to see the stupid time jumps as a blessing. The alternative is suffering through Kickass222urmom’s writing.
  378.  
  379.  
  380.  
  381. >>Chapter 69 - Part 5
  382. > All the other ponies had went home.
  383. I want to believe that his English teachers made him pass every grade just so they wouldn’t have to deal with him.
  384. > Inside the box was a pair of goggles, same as mine, but those were the kind Frederic had given me before. The ones that can zoom in and see through smoke and fog.
  385. Yeah, because we know how much you used the last pair. It’s nice to see Fred actually doing something related to his talent again. Not that it matters, nothing he makes is ever used. I still remember that flying backpack that he gave to Lance for some reason.
  386. > Greg levitated his [present] over to me. […] Inside was... what do you know, a I.O.U. No seriously, there was a piece of paper that said, I.O.U.
  387. Odd that Greg wouldn’t just add his name to whatever Pinkie would give Lance.
  388. > Seth and Zorrow both kicked a single gift towards me. […] "Wow, I've always needed a.... bare of soap."
  389. I don’t get it. Why a bar of soap?
  390. > They both laughed and high hoofed
  391. Was it some kind of joke?
  392. > The next gift was from David and Rainbow Dash.[…] "Daring Do, I've been wanting to read this."
  393. Jesus, are all the bronies this stingy? This is something Rainbow Dash would give, and I think David just latched on. I mean, what the hell, Lance let David stay with him in a mansion in Canterlot, bought him an expensive suit, and let him spend all the money he had somehow earned.
  394. Can’t he give his friend a gift?
  395. > Next up was Vinetion. She handed me a piece of paper, "From me and Annabel."
  396. Since when are Annabel and Vinetion friends? When did that happen?
  397.  
  398.  
  399.  
  400. >>Chapter 69 - Part 6
  401. > Lance,
  402. > We promise not to pull any pranks on you for two months.
  403. > Annabel: I promise not to mess with your love life... again.
  404. > Vinetion: Meh, I just promise not to hurt you, or do pranks.
  405. > Signed,
  406. > Your two favorite pranksters (Trouble makers)
  407. Favorite pranksters? Seriously? I understand Annabel, and wouldn’t Peter fit that description too? Since when is Vinetion a prankster? Then again, Kickass222urmom didn’t develop her beyond “lesbian”, so she can be just about anything.
  408. > Peter gave me his gift and jumped back, "Happy birthday Lance."
  409. Speaking of which, let’s see what prank Peter has set up.
  410. > I eyed the gift and smiled, "Oh Rarity, can you help me with this?"
  411. Why should she? This is obviously a trap, and since she’s Peter’s girlfriend, he would have told her what he was planning. So, really there’s no reason for—
  412. > She smiled, "I'd be happy to Lance."
  413. Predictably, she gets hit on the face with a pie.
  414. > The rest of the gift giving went off with out a problem.
  415. Ok, let’s see what the rest of them got for Lance.
  416. Every single one of his gifts is either food or a piece of clothing he’ll never use again, but I’d like to highlight two.
  417. > a nice looking sweater from Dali (Made by her hooves.)
  418. This is the most thoughtful gift and one that probably took the most time.
  419. They found out about Lance’s birthday from his mom, which must have happened very recently.
  420. That means that Deela was working on that sweater for a long time, even before she knew about Lance’s birthday.
  421. > and from Twilight, I got a book on parenting (I saw that one coming.)
  422. Twi, your son has already been born. I think this is the kind of stuff that you should have given him a long time ago.
  423. > "Okay everypony, stay right here. I have to go get something from the store."
  424. I know it sounds incredible, but he’s not going to buy something for himself.
  425.  
  426.  
  427.  
  428. >>Chapter 69 - Part 7
  429. > Everypony looked at me, "Whats in the bag?"
  430.  
  431. > I put it down and smiled, "A present for Spark."
  432. How nice, right? He bought a present for his son on his own birthday. What a nice gesture.
  433. Now let’s see him run it into the ground.
  434. > I laughed loudly and opened the bag, and looked at the bronies, "Okay you bronies. This is something you all would kill for back on earth."
  435. > All the bronies gasped and went slightly fan crazy, "A Spitfire plushy!"
  436. Yeah, that happened.
  437. > "They actually make and sell those here?"
  438. > "I'm going to the store and buying the whole stock!"
  439. How can they ‘not’ know? They’ve been living in Equestria for almost a year, and they didn’t knew that the most famous aerial team of the country sold merchandise?
  440. You’d think at least David would know, since he lives with Rainbow Dash.
  441. ...
  442. Well, that was Lance's birthday party, and amidst all the stupiditu, I noticed something, hopefully you did too.
  443. They didn't invite Lance's mom to his birthday, despite she being the one that told Twilight about it.
  444. Yeah...
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