Burger Anon

>Be me
>Love burgers, nothing gets between me and a good burger.
>They are beautiful harmonies of beef, cheese, onion, mayonnaise, mustard, and buns.
>They are holy unions.
>Coming back home to a long holiday vacation, with a bag of take out.
>Set the food on the table and go to my bedroom to change clothes.
>Hear a crash from the kitchen with meaty footsteps and tardish breathing following it.
>YE_FOOKIN_WOT_M8.mp4
>Probably some drugged out tweaker from outside wanting some of dat good good I brought home.
>Spring into action and get guns out of case from underneath the bed.
>Only have a Vietnam War era rifle (M16A1) and handgun (1911).
>Never bought gats for tactical or practical use. Bought them for fun.
>Shoulder and put the 30 rounder I have into the rifle, put two small 20 rounders in my pockets, and tuck pistol into waistband like a ghetto nigger.
>Go into kitchen prepared to raise the rate of lead poisoning exponentially.
>It's not a drug addict.
>It's a fucking discount chinese knockoff melted Hulk.
>It's pretty big too, and threatening as hell.
>But it's reaching. For. My. DINNER.
>"Get the fuck out of my house."
>"WAHHGGHHH? WAUGHGUH? WAAAAAAAUGH!"
>Holy shit it's Waluigi but he's thicc and green.
>Realize at this moment I only inserted the magazine into the gun, I never chambered a round, I am holding a giant paperweight.
>Green and fat Waluigi charges me.
>Pull back on the charging handle with a force equivalent to a jew grabbing shekels.
>Let it fly and send two rounds into Waluigi's chest and another into his head.
>Mozambiqued.exe
>Waluigi hits the ground and slides a bit thanks to him leaking shit all over my kitchen floor.
>Stand shocked that I just killed a retarded cosplayer and that tinnitus will make me its bitch for rest of my life.
>Dead cosplayer blood is all over me and my floor now. I have a lot to explain to the police.
>But the burger is safe, so all is good on earth.
>Go to bathroom to wash off the goblin looking fag's blood off me.
>My toilet is fucking gone and there is a blue portal flickering just behind the sink.
>It doesn't look stable and is flashing between different landscapes.
>X.filesmusic
>Another goblin looking fuck jumps out and yells "WAAAAUHGGGGHHH."
>By the /K/ube, these are goblin and they're invading my apartment.
>The green bean faggot tackles me and tries choking me.
>Not very strong so I can't fight him off by hand.
>Have idea to flip myself to throw him back into the portal and mag dumping into it.
>Do it.
>Doesn't work.
>Green bean is stronger than I thought and kept his grip and pulled me with him.
>Go through the portal and falling from the sky.
>Green bean screams and loses his grip and flails around in the sky.
>As I fall see the portal above close. FUCK.
>Fall into a forest with green bean fag hitting the ground before me.
>OOF.shitmeme


>Wake up in a bed.
>Everything is foggy as hell. Everything hurts. I just want my burger.
>Try to sit up.
>sillyjudden.reich
>Decide to just sit back and live and let live for a while.
>Someone comes into the room.
>Holy fuck they have spiky ears.
>I must be on all sorts of morphine right now.
>Remember everything that had just happened.
>The elf looking thing has what looks like a nurse's uniform on.
>OWO
>See's I'm staring daggers into her.
>Dear god I hope they speak english.
>"H-h-hi."
>She dashes out of the room.
>I guess not?
>Only an awkward silence is left.
>Ok what now?
>Get up and explore the room.
>Realize they had stripped me of all my stuff. My rifle, my pistol, my ammo, my pants, and more importantly my Adidas track jacket are all gone.
>Feel extremely vulnerable.
>Door bursts open with two elvish guards wearing armor and wielding spears.
>FUCK.ME
>Elf guard with a plume on his helmet grabs me by the arm and drags me out of the room to a bigger room with more beds.
>This seems like an elvish hospital. Lots of people bustling about with some having big witch hats.
>Plume guard keeps a close eye on me while the other guard with markings on his armor leads the way.
>They bring me to some office where an old elf with fancy robes is sitting.
>Toss me in a chair then flank the door and lock it.
>RAPE.JONTRON
>Old elf just stands staring at me, his mouth agape.
>Am I that ugly?
>Old elf faggot sits and continues staring.
>"You. You should not be here."
>No shit sherlock.
>"Why is that?"
>"You humans are but a myth. The Lost Tribe is but a story. Why are so many of you coming through lately?"
>"The Lost Tribe?"
>"YES!" Old elf was getting distraught and panicky.
>"Round ears haven't been seen for eons! Legends say your people stick to the mountains." He was getting aggressive.
>"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
>How the fuck was I supposed to respond?
>Oh well Mr. Wrinkly ear, there I was in my apartment and some goblins breaking in trying to steal MY BURGER. So I shot one of their Waluigi sounding asses and got yeeted here by the other one. I'm sorry I'll be going now?
>"It's not like I wanted to be here." I responded angrily. "I got pulled here by some goblin thing."
>"Oh by the Violent Rage, not the goblins." He said dejectedly while holding the bridge of his nose between two fingers.
>"Understand human, portals are very difficult to conjure, much less sustain. And if the goblins of all races have been able to conjure one to bring something through and move successfully."
>He pulled out a paper and began desperately writing onto it for about 10 minutes.
>"So can you send me back?"
>"I cannot, maybe the mages in Amuskeet can."
>Before looking at me almost angrily as if I were some tumour.
>"Look here human, you are not supposed to be here. But you are, and that isn't good."
>"Yes as you've said many times before I'm not supposed to be here. I GET IT."
>"You… you will take this letter to the city and ensure its safe delivery."
>"Why me?"
>"We are currently in a… difficult... situation. We cannot spare more than a couple soldiers to go on a mail run. Especially for the safety of… a round ear"
>"Why?"
>"The goblins have been… uppity. As of late. They have forgotten their place below us. With their disgusting green ears and bodies. BLEGH"
>Holy shit elves are racist.
>Hold up, the guy said something about more humans.
>"You said there are more humans?"
>"Yes… sadly."
>Fuck you too long ear.
>"Not a great many but more than just a few. The barriers have been weakening as of late and more portals have been opening and are easier to make."
>"They are needless to say, a hot topic right now. Thus another reason to deliver the letter."
>"What?"
>"A high elven council has decreed any human that appears in the area must be sent to the city of Amuskeet. Whether it be them traveling willingly… or by force. We must keep you round ears under wraps. For your own safety. It is a burden us high elves must take upon ourselves." The guards drilled that last point home by pounding the ends of their spears into the ground.
>"I see…"
>"Freet not round ear, for we will send someone to go with you."
>Oh is he going to send the nurse? She was hot so I wouldn't mind trav---
>"Guard Baril, you will go with the human."
>Plume faggot stood up and nodded.
>Fuck no elf pussy for me.
>"For some reason, the Violent Rage has seen fit to bring you here."
>"The Violent Rage?"
>"Yes round ear, the force that binds us all together. The one that sees fit to bring in humans from the New World with more… unique… proclivities."
>unique proclivities?
>Holy fuck he means autism.
>"The humans who have been pulled through recently haven't been able to tell us their term for that part of nature."
>"What do you call it?"
>You know I can't call it something gay like The Force. No… I have a better idea.
>"We humans call it the /K/ube."
>"Ahhh so you are well versed in the culture of the New World. FINALLY, a round ear that might be worth saving."
>HOLY FUCK HE BOUGHT IT.
>Old fag actually seemed happy for once and wrote something else down on the paper.
>"You will set out today at noon. I wish you the best of luck. You will need another day of traveling and should arrive at Amuskeet by afternoon tomorrow."
>"What time is it now?"
>"11."



>Get sent back to the room.
>Elf nurse has my clothing.
>Doesn't have my rifle and handgun.
>FUCK
>She comes up to me and starts speaking in a language that sounds vaguely like French.
>HONHONHON.OHNO
>She realizes I can't speak french and switches to english albeit with a french accent.
>"Here is your belongings. You must have been a great warrior in the New World."
>"What?"
>"This jacket is the same as other warriors who have came through before you."
>Adidas… track jacket… holy shit did Ivan fall through before me?
>"Uhhh, where were they from?"
>"A land they called Mothae Roosian."
>Mother fucking Russia.
>Were there slavs running around screaming Cyka Blyat before me?
>"What happened to my other stuff?"
>"Oh you will be given it before you leave. The staff didn't want a human running around with whatever your black spear and gray boomerang was."
>Oh thank god the gats are safe. I didn't get ATFed.
>"On the other hand there is the reward."
>"The reward?"
>"Yes the guards found you in the forest lying in the middle of a goblin that had been smashed to bits. You were on the verge of death so we could only assume you fought to the death. There was a bounty on her."
>"Her?"
>I guess goblins have tranny looking people too.
>"Yes the reward was 2000 kekles"
>HOLY FUCK MONEY.
>She dumped a mound of glittering gold into my hand.
>Jesus I was going to pop a chub from this.
>"But there is a matter of taxes."
>She took off a quarter of it.
>RONPAUL.EXE ENGAGE
>"The fee that goes to the Violent Rage's grace."
>She took off a couple coins.
>"And of course the hospital bill for your wounds."
>She took off a little more than half of the coins from my hand.
>Leaving me with about maybe 300 kekles. They did heal my tinnitus at least.
>I dressed and the nurse elf guided me outside.


>The world outside was beautiful.
>Full of trees as far as the eye could see. J.R Tolkien would have shed one manly tear at the beauty of it.
>Fuck the trees. I wanted to deliver this letter or whatever and get home. I had my burger to attend to and the police would be suspicious of goblin blood on the floor. The CIA glow niggers were probably scouring my apartment by now too.
>Plus in that forest were goblins like the old fag had said.
>Jesus I hope they aren't smart enough to be like the Vietcong. Because the forest was as dense as a jungle.
>It was kind of beautiful. Plus I had a possible way to get home so things would be alright.
>COUNTRYROADS.MP4
>Plume fag and elf nurse were talking in some elvish language and pointing at me.
>Plume fag had my gats and they seemed all fine.
>He handed them to me disdainfully.
>My M16A1 seemed fine and my 1911 was ok too. He gave me the magazines too.
>I didn't hesitate to chamber a round this time.
>Plume fag said something like goodbye to the nurse elf and she giggled and left.
>COCKBLOCKED.INCEL
>He looked at me and began walking towards the forest.
>Guess I'll follow him.

>The whole way there plume fag kept looking back at me and scoffing.
>It was just like hiking through the woods. I didn't see any evidence of goblins.
>"Hey do you speak english?"
>Plume fag responded with a heavy french accent.
>"Wee round ear, Moi speaks english."
>I didn't know what to say after.
>Ididntexpecttogetthisfar.plankton
>After some more walking plume fag piped up again.
>"You are a warrior in your world correct? Ze jaquet es a great symbol of your culture?"
>Holy fuck this Adidas shit again? Might as well play along.
>"Yeah I guess so."
>"Weee, we vound you in ze forest and you slayed a gooblin."
>"You carry a noise sthick like in colour like ze great Reforger before you."
>Reforge what now?
>"What's the Reforger?"
>Plume fag stopped.
>"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO ZE REFORGER WAS? A GREAT HERO?"
>no
>"Ze Reforger was a warrior from your world had come to vanquish ze goblin hordes."
>"He came with a negro noise sthick much in colour to yours."
>"He with ze leadership of the high elves was able to push back ze Goblin Army of ZECHTUH"
>He spit out the last word like Jews spit out hebrew.
>"I do not know ze finer details, but when we get to Amuskeet. You will see ze relics of ze Reforger, we will visit his temple."
>alright fam
>"But now ze goblins have returned and we high elves cannot get the lower races to cooperate."
>He spit on the ground disdainfully.
>holy fuck elves are REALLY racist.
>"Besides ze goblins only have de numbahs, none of ze mindful facilities. I vounden't be surprised i---"
>Plume fag stepped on something and went flying in the other direction.
>I saw blood and his arm pop off and hit me in the chest.
>FOR FUCKSAKE I JUST GOT MY JACKET CLEANED.
>Suddenly hear screeching from the trees.
>Thetreesspeak.vietnamese
>This is exactly what I didn't want.
>See 5 goblins run out of the woods.
>justlikethesimulations.storm
>Pop two shots into each one.
>One of the bigger ones needed one more to send him to goblin heaven.
>It's all quiet now. My ears are ringing.
>Go over to check the bodies. Loot a GOLD FUCKING BAR from the big one. The others only have shitty wooden spears.
>Check plume fag. He got mushed by a giant boulder that had been hanging from a rope that got triggered by some tripwire in front of us.
>Take his shit and run off.
>Leave the armor because it wouldn't fit me. Leave the spear because I have a gun why the fuck would I want a pointy stick I'm not a Zulu.
>Took all his money and other shit though.
>Check an elvish map, fucking useless I can't read the gibberish.
>Decide to just follow the path and hopefully get to Amuskeet that way.
>Sleep for the night and eat some food I found in Plume Fag's bag.
>Wake up and keep traveling.
>More goblins attack and I mag dump my 30 rounder into them and burn half my other 20.
>OUCH OW OWIE MY EARS.
>No good loot.
>Another huge goblin attacks and I empty my 20 rounder into him.
>I'm left with only 20 rounds left for my M16A1 and 7 for my 1911.
>No more goblin attacks and I get to a town.
>Please be Amuskeet.
>Elf guards look angrily at me and stand blocking the gate.
>Show them the paper old fag gave me.
>They recognize the signature on the outside or something and let me in.
>Not before one them tells me where to go.
>"Hello human, welcome to Amuskeet. You will go straight to the castle."
>Oh thank god no accent.
>"Can I visit the temple of the Reforger?"
>The elf guard looks to his buddies.
>"I'm guessing you seek to pay tribute to one of your greatest warriors. You will follow the sound of the morning call."
>What is this fucking daily prayer for Islam?
>"When there hopefully your… what do you call it /K/ube?"
>"yes the /K/ube."
>"A visit to the temple will definitely bring you favour from the /K/ube. Make sure to tell the priests who preside over it the name of your human god."
>They let me into the town and I wander a bit.
>Manage to coax some elf food stand owner to give me something to eat for some… they called them kekles?
>It's good. I don't know what it is but I don't care.
>The guards said to follow the morning call. Where the fuck is that?
>Hear guitar chords… familiar ones… ONES EVERY COMMANDO WOULD KNOW.
>"SOME FOLKS ARE BORN MADE TO WAVE TO THE FLAG."
>Holy fuck is that the morning call?
>It pauses for a bit.
>"HOOO THEY'RE RED WHITE AND BLUE."
>It sounds like they're playing it in bursts. Please be the morning call and not me losing my shit.
>Find a ton of elves crowding some town rotunda.
>Find a high place to see what they're all looking at.
>In the middle is a fucking M60 on a tripod with two old elves firing it. One's aiming it at the sky, and the other's feeding it ammo.
>WHAT.WHATTHEFUCK.JONTRON
>The aiming elf fires off another burst.
>"IT AIN'T ME, IT AIN'T ME, I AIN'T NO SENATOR'S SON!"
>The crowd is singing along like it's some gospel prayer.
>I stay the whole time because… Fortunate Son.
>The "morning call" finishes and the crowd disperses.
>Head up the building behind the M60.
>Guards now encircle it protecting it. Wearing what looks like medieval versions of an M1 helmet.
>The priests are carrying in a belt of ammo into the temple.
>Ask them if this is the "Reforger's temple."
>They respond back in French.
>Tell them I speak AMERICAN DAMN IT.
>They switch to english.
>"Apologizes human, we elves prefer to speak French if we are to speak to humans."
>NO SHIT YOU BAGUETTE FUCKS.
>They guide me into the temple and toss the ammo back up onto some pedestal.
>"As a human do you have the name for your god?"
>"The other humans here have no name or grasp of it."
>"Oh we call it the Kube."
>"Ahhh the Kube!!! A fine name." Priest fag smiles and gestures for the other one to write it down.
>"We will let the scholars know, you are the first human to be in such good contact with it."
>DAMN RIGHT BITCH.
>"Alas even the great Reforger despite being one with it, had no conception of its name."
>"So who was the Reforger?"
>Priest fag smiles and sits, "sit with me and let me tell you the legend of the Reforger."



>TheLegendaryHero.LegendofZelda.mp3
>"The Reforger was among the most feared warriors of the Old World."
>"Taken from his world, the New World, by the force you call the Kube."
>"He fought for the good of elvenkind."
>Basically DOOMSLAYER but in fantasy world I guess.
>"Making allies and fighting as an equal and beyond with us high elves despite being a human."
>"When he first fell into our world, he kept speaking of the great Reforger of 1988."
>"That's all he could talk about, going back to the Reforger of '88. He had to get back to his Patoon."
>Probably meant his platoon but alright.
>"He was a soldier in the great fight against a dreadful people called the Softiets. Who had split the old kingdom of Germania in two."
>Probably meant Soviets but alright fam.
>"He came armed with an M Six Oh."
>M60. Holy shit he was basically Rambo.
>"He slayed the goblin hordes who had been entrenching on elvish lands by the hundreds."
>"With the help cooperation of the lower races, we were able to push back the goblins."
>"His great M Six Oh is an icon of his will to fight for elvenkind."
>"But alas right before the final battle had ended, a great Troll set upon him. He had just expended his final belt of vengeance upon the enemy and was tragically slain."
>Priest fag was crying a little bit.
>"His dying wish was to have his M Six Oh enchanted with the great song of the Sons Fortunate. So we fire it every morning in honour of his actions."
>"Amuskeet was the base of all races during the war, the Reforger helped to found the city."
>"My ancestors had fought alongside him and one was even saved by him during the final battle."
>"It is why I devote my life to this temple."
>"He requested his great M Six Oh
>Priest fag wiped off his tears.
>"I can show you his helm if you wish."
>"We were not able to save his other what he called 'flak jacket' and 'woodland camo.' But his helm is a prized icon of his glory as is the M Six Oh."
>sure show me.
>Priest fag brings me to a huge room with an M1 helmet with woodland camo on a pedestal.
>"We have reason to believe that this is the blessing of the god you call the Kube. During battle when he wore it, he swore the boowets turned to seek the enemy no matter how far off fired."
>Probably meant bullets but alright priest fag was pretty cool.
>I kinda wanted to steal the helmet. It looked cool as fuck.
>Realize they have a painting of him below the helmet. Expect a huge ripped chad Rambo.
>He's a fucking manlet. Guess they really can do well in life.
>"I will leave you to pray to your Kube please come back to the rotunda when finished."
>Khajiit.stealingtime
>But… I decide to leave it. Priest fag was a cool guy and cared a lot. Plus he was actually nice to me.
>Asked for protection from the Kube to get home to my burger safely.
>Praying to a fucking meme but alright if they say it's a holy force, it's a holy force.
>As I come outside priest fag is putting the "boowets" inside a crate.
>Get an idea to get more ammo for my M16A1.
>"Where do you guys get that?"
>"There is a temple across the mountains we receive it from, they have one of the Reforger's last belts and transmute materials into more of them."
>"Can anyone in town do the same for me?"
>"No I'm afraid such transmutation is a very rigorous and well watched process."
>FUCK. Once I use my last bullets I'm fucked and am going to have to use a gay ass sword. I was hoping I could just get some magic fag to pop some more into existence for me. This ruins everything. I was going to larp
>Eject a round of 5.56 from my AR.
>"You're sure you cannot reproduce these for me?"
>"I cannot I'm afraid. The high council would string me up for it. You humans are dangerous warriors, especially you with your black jacket of three stripes. The council seeks to control such things"
>IVAN JUST COCKBLOCKED ME.
>"The council ensures at the moment that transmutation is a guarded art. Not just for any human who comes by."
>Jesus the ATF exists in this world too.
>"Fret not human, perhaps you can consult with the other humans in town for help."
>"How do I find them?"
>"Look in the art district you will find some."
>Great off to art school I go.



>Walk around asking for the art district.
>All the elves do is speak french, avoid me, and point.
>Jesus it's like middle school minus the french.
>Eventually come across a dwarf pushing a wheelbarrow marked "Patreon."
>I think I'm in the right place.
>Ask him where the art district is.
>"Ehhh? Ye lookin for de Hend Tai?"
>Sure fuck it whatever.
>He says he must finish his "donnoation" route.
>Elves actually toss kekles into his wheelbarrow.
>Whoever this Hend Tai is they must be important.
>Come back to art district, looks like downtown Paris minus the """refugees"""
>Lots of elves painting, drawing, chiseling, basically artsy shit.
>"Well this be where your Hend Tai be."
>Go inside the building the dwarf pointed to.
>Holy fuck another human.
>Hold up though… he's japanese.
>He's drawing… ummm… I guess they pronounce it Hend Tai here.
>Try speaking with the Jap.
>He doesn't understand me.
>He motions for me to stay and leaves.
>Ok his drawings are nice though.
>He comes back a while later with an elf.
>"Hello human, you are unable to speak in his language?
>"Yes."
>They grab my head and their hands spark.
>Feel funny.
>"How was that?"
>Holy fuck I can understand the Jap now.
>Talk with him and find out he got pulled here and is now doing what he does best. I'm assuming he hung out on /d/.
>He explains the elves here treat Hentai as some high art form. Explicitly for adults of course, but it's on the level of Opera back in our world.
>He draws all kinds of stuff and offers to show me.
>Unsure how to feel about this.
>Say maybe later and talk about his experience in this world.
>Turns out he had to go to the council here in Amuskeet and converse with them about where he came from, what he did, etc.
>Then they just turned him loose.
>Apparently there were other people who have came through here usually blessed with the 'tism as well.
>According to him the high council said they couldn't just send him back.
>They weren't that "high" of a council.
>To do that you would have to prove yourself in some way as a great warrior on the level of the Reforger or Ivan.
>Turns out a Finn by the actual name of Ivan fell through earlier as well and has since been rampaging on the other side of the world killing orcs armed only with what the elves call "the Nugget." He doesn't want to go home obviously.
>Once you prove yourself on that level you may consult with the elder priests of the "Violent Rage."
>well then shit.






>Before I leave Jap bro's elf friend hits me with that magic again so I can read/speak elvish.
>After going to meet with the high council of Amuskeet. They declare I may stay as they do not deem me a particular threat.
>Afterwards they shove me out the door and lock it behind me.
>Just leave me out in front of some big ass castle.
>Unsure what to do now.
>I imagined doing this going fairly differently.
>I was sure they'd just send me home if I wanted. I was hoping to get back to my burger.
>Or I assumed some mage could just transmute bullets and I could larp around the fantasy countryside shooting orcs and goblins.
>Kinda thought it would be like tactical minecraft or Doom but with fantasy shit to shoot instead.
>Go back to Jap bro's house. He seems to have done well for himself. His elf bro tells me to wait outside. I can see he's showing some regal looking elves his drawings.
>Holy fuck it really is high art here.
>Before they leave they give him a huge bag of kekles.
>Ask Jap bro if I can stay for a while. He lets me crash on the couch for the night. Also gives me food. 10/10





>Wake up the next morning to Fortunate Son.
>Feel like shit and sad.
>I won't be able to go home to my sweet sweet burger.
>I won't be able to be a Doomslayer of goblins with infinite ammo.
>All the elves are racist and think I'm some nigger.
>I want to go home. I want to see my family. I want soda.
>sadcountryroads.mp3
>Wait… the priest said transmuting ammo is forbidden. How about making it by hand? The old fashioned way?
>BIGBRAIN.MOMENT
>I sure as hell ain't going to fight my way home the old fashioned way with gay ass swords and bows.
>Jap bro went off the market to peddle his latest masterpiece.
>Go out to the market as well out of curiosity. Wondering what magical shit they might have.
>They mostly have only bows, swords, spears, and knives. No gats.
>Find a dwarven smith in his store, realize all the signs are in elvish and... dwarfish?
>Despite Jap bro's elf friend's work I guess he only made me speak Japanese.
>Go off to find Jap bro at his little stand.
>Explain to him the situation.
>He sends me to a mage to get me a universal translation enchantment. Pays for it too.
>whataguy.mp4
>Return to the dwarf.
>Ask if he could build something for me.
>He reminds me a lot of the gunsmith I see back home. Sounds and kind of looks the same.
>Pull out a round of 5.56
>He gets noticeably confused, intrigued, and a little wary.
>Explain I would like him to build many of these. Give him one of my empty 20 round magazines and tell him to produce one of these too.
>He studies the bullet and offers that he will have to send it off to a very skilled arch dwarf blacksmith in his home country. That it would be best to give him two more for further study as well and give him 3 days for it all to finish.
>holdup.nigga
>This dwarf could gyp me and just keep them.
>He offers to give me a deposit of 400 kekles as he realizes bullets are very valuable for both me and other species.
>If the work is successful I will return the money and he will return any of the bullets if they are still intact. Then we will discuss future payment.
>If not, I keep the kekles.
>Agree it and explain that the magazine could be remade of steel. Explain the old prototype steel waffle magazines from the 1950s. He likes that more.
>Leave the smith and return to Jap bro.
>Jap bro seems content on a couple of sales he's made.
>Help him for the rest of the day.
>Eat with him during the evening.
>He talks about his old life back in Japan.
>Prefers it here much more.
>As we clean up something happens outside.
>People are running around and the air has a desperate worried feeling to it.
>A guard runs by and yells "THE ORCS HAVE BROKEN THROUGH THE WALL."
>Trump save us.
>Jap bro runs around his house and grabs his valuables before high tailing it in the direction the guard went. Gestures for me to come too.
>Tell him I'll stay back and use the remaining ammo I have on the orcs.
>If the dwarf smith comes through I'll be able to use my funs in the future.
>Until then guess I'll just finish them off. Plus fighting orcs will be cool.
>Run towards the rotunda and see some orcs heading towards the Reforger's temple.
>STOPRIGHTTHERECRIMINALSCUM
>Empty whatever 5.56 I have into the orcs.
>Realize I can probably use the M60.
>More orcs come towards the temple.
>Hop up onto the gun.
>The priests left it loaded thank the Kube.
>Fucking open that shit up on the orcs like I was Animal Mother. Fortunate Son echoing through the streets.
>Don't hit anything.
>WHAT?
>Inspect the cartridges and realize they're blanks.



>missionfailed.mp3
>I'm gonna fucking die here. I'll never get to see my burger ever again. Even though it's probably cold and shitty at this point.
>Draw my 1911 and flick off the safety.
>GENTLEMEN_PREPARE_TO_DEFEND_YOURSELVES.SGTPLUMLEY
>Start retreating into the temple and send .45 slugs into any orcs that charge me.
>Run in and find a two orcs stabbing priest fag with the other priest dead nearby.
>Fill their heads with .45
>STAWPHIN.POWA
>Check priest fag.
>He's losing a lot of blood.
>He grabs my arm and says "human, please protect the Reforger's Helm."
>"This tribe of the damned orcs were allied with the goblins long ago. They haven't forgotten what he has done to them. They will destroy it"
>"You have my blessing to don it in your mission to defend this temple. May your spirit the Kube protect you."
>FUCK DON'T YOU DIE ON ME.
>"It is my final wish."
>He's coughing up blood now.
>Can't just leave him here, the orcs that run in will massacre him in his last moments.
>Lift him up and bring him into the room with the helmet.
>I place him at the foot of the pedestal and check how many bullets I have left.
>one left
>I put the M1 helmet on and feel… braver. Maybe this Kube stuff isn't sensationalist hippie hooey after all.
>Prepared to die here like Captain Miller.
>Turn back to check priest fag he smiles and nods.
>He then turns to fucking punch the photo of the Reforger.
>Pulls out another pistol.
>Holy fuck it's an M9.
>"We always kept this in case of emergency."
>Hands it to me as well as fucking seven other magazines of glittering, beautiful, gorgeous 9mm.
>"Please go and fight outside. The orcs will start defacing the walls of the temple then move inwards."
>Nod and run off
>I have a fucking mission



>Channel my inner John Mcclain and prepare to fill orcs with 9mm.
>Find some throwing oil upon the temple.
>Send their asses to the Kube.
>Hey just because it's a meme, it doesn't mean I can't believe it's a higher power as well.
>Empty everything I have into orcs coming up the stairs.
>I have to put 2 rounds into their heads, and maybe 3-5 in their chest. But holy fuck do they have big heads, are hard to miss, and I have a lot of ammo.
>The M9 runs fairly well for a gun kept inside a temple for so long.
>Bless priest fag
>Reload as more orcs rush me. Out the corner of my eye I see some elvish archers coming into the rotunda.
>Shoot some more orcs and watch as the arrows fly into other orcs.
>The elves have definitely noticed that I'm wearing the helmet.
>They cheer and run onwards down another street.
>I follow.
>The legion has now stopped and I  and see them aiming at a breach in the wall.
>Some orcs had blown an entire chunk up.
>They're fucking piling through like World War Z.
>They prepare their next volley behind a barricade of a tipped over cart.
>The line parts and one gesture for me to jump over it.
>May the Kube bless me like the blessed the Reforger guy before me.
>I'm a fucking action hero now I love it.
>I didn't even know priest fag all that well but he, the dwarf smith, and jap bro were the only people who had been kind to me so far.
>All the other elves were… really fucking racist and obviously didn't approve of me.
>I am going to avenge the shit out of priest fag.
>Born_to_Be_Wild.mp3
>Kind of lose myself in the panic. Just fucking running in with a pistol against a horde of orcs with arrows flying overhead is surreal. Great feeling though.
>this_used_to_be_a_nice_neighborhood.coach



>By the time it's all done. The orcs are all dead on the ground. Either filled with 9mm or with arrows. Other elven knights had came by and just stood and watched it all.
>Fucking exhausted.
>Behind me the legion of elf archers cheer.
>Some of the elvish guards file in and take watch near the gate as do some elves with building supplies.
>The archer and guard elves actually congratulate me on a job well done.
>I recognize one as being the guard who let me into Amuskeet.
>That I'm alright for a human.
>They hope I'm on their side.
>I'm a new Reforger.
>The helmet looks nice.
>Feelsgoodman
>Go back to Jap bro's house and he's glad I'm alright.
>Tell him what happened.
>He congratulates me on no longer being as big of a faggot.
>Go to sleep.


>FBI.OPENUP
>"AMUSKEET GUARD PRESENT YOURSELF!"
>Oh fuck
>Grab the M9 and load it with the last magazine.
>Holster it and go outside.
>There are five of the meanest looking guards in black armor with huge battle axes.
>"ARE YOU THE ONE THEY CALL BURGER ANON?"
>Turn to look at Jap bro he doesn't know what to do.
>I could run but most of my shit is still in Jap bro's house and he'd probably get sacked for harboring me.
>"Y-y-yes?"
>One knocks me over the head and handcuffs me.
>ouchowie.bonehurtingjuice
>They put me in a fucking cage.
>And wheel me off towards the castle.
>I get dumped in a cell.
>N I C E .



>Some fuddy elf comes and reads off from a scroll my crimes.
>Defacement of a great Elven relic, murder of two arch priests, the destruction of a temple, and the theft of an Elven relic.
>I try to explain my story and that I didn't murder the priests, they were dead or dying when I got there. I stopped the orcs, I wore the helmet while doing so and just tried using the M60.
>He doesn't take it and just leaves.
>thatwentwell.mov
>They leave me there for a couple days.
>It sucks.
>I just sit and think a lot.
>My family is probably worried by now.
>The cops have likely thought I'm some psycho murderer.
>CIA glow niggers probably vaporized my apartment.
>My burger is cold and shitty at this point.
>Why even live.
>Jap bro probably got interrogated to hell and back.
>The elves probably ATFed my gats.
>I'm gonna be hung aren't I?
>This isn't the world of Western democracy. This is essentially medieval times.
>Guards come back and grab me, dragging me outside.
>There's a fucking stand set up with a rope.
>They are going to hang me.
>Pray to the meme that is the Kube to protect me in my time of need.
>The Fudd elf is rereading my """crimes""" to the crowd.
>They seem to be pretty angry about it.
>"HOW DO YOU PLEAD HUMAN?"
>"not guilty?"
>Fudd faggot laughs.
>"Fuck you too you long eared prick."
>His laughter stops and he begins to wrap the noose around my neck.
>Out the corner of my eye I see the archer legion coming into the street.
>They start yelling and protesting
>The crowd is confused.
>Apparently this legion is hot shit in town.
>The guard elf who let me into town comes out of the legion's small crowd and climbs onto the hanging stand.
>He is talking angrily to the Fudd faggot.
>The legion crowds the stand and the guards around it move out of the way.
>The argument between the guard elf and the fudd is getting serious.
>They start pushing and punching each other.
>Guard fag absolutely demolishes the fudd.
>"HALT!"
>Black armored guards fill the square and the crowd is starting to disperse.
>OHGODIT'STHEPOLICE.
>The legion is arguing with the black armor guards now.
>Guard fag is still mushing the fudd's face.
>It's all kind of awkward because I know this is all because of me.
>And that Fudd elf still got the noose over me, it's really hard to not slip off the shitty stool they gave me plus it's super fucking tight.
>I'm struggling not to accidentally hang myself.
>The high elf council enters the area now.
>A CHALLENGER APPROACHES.PNG
>They take me down and pull me up to the same meeting room they first saw me in.
>I'm on the ground and they crowd me.
>Demanding an explanation of what I've done.
>They don't believe me and set up a table with two chairs.
>They put some witch looking elf on the other end.
>She grabs my hand tightly and it starts to burn.
>FIREFIREFIRE.SCOUT
>She explains she has just cast a truth spell and if I lie I will experience a similar pain across my entire body.
>I explain the whole story AGAIN.
>She's and the council shows obvious disbelief and seems to expect that I will burst into agony at any moment from a burning pain.
>"Why did you use the Reforger's weapon?"
>"I thought I'd look cool…"
>There's an awkward silence. No burning.
>"The priest gave you the Reforger's Helm?"
>"Yes."
>The room is even more silent than usual as everyone is on their toes expecting me to shriek in pain from lying.
>"You didn't want to steal it at all?"
>"N--- AGGGGHHHHHH"
>HOLY FUCK THAT BURNS. I'm sweating from the pain.
>The council is jittery now as is the witch elf.
>we got you now goyim.exe
>"I thought about stealing it but didn't because I thought the priest was a cool guy."
>no burning
>The council goes silent.
>They shuffle out of the room with the witch elf.
>They come back a long, long while later.
>"It… appears… we've… misjudged… you human."
>It really seems to hurt the elf to say that.
>"We are… sorry."
>He throws his arms up and leaves.
>Another elf steps forward.
>"What he means to say is we are sorry for your mistreatment."
>"It appears the Archer's Legion as well as the Front Guard have testified to your valour."
>"If what you say is true, Arch Priest Kypärä did bestow upon you the Helm of the Reforger in his final moments, to defend the temple of the Reforger no less, and your god… the… Kube."
>He said those last few words hesitantly, I wonder if he knew it was a meme.
>"Saw fit to let you survive the battle with the Orcs. Despite defacin--- I mean using a high relic and succeed valiantly."
>"We cannot see fit to proceed with our initial plans."
>WELL THANK YOU SENATOR FUCKING KNIFE EARS
>"As for the helmet… we will obviously cannot allow you to run around with it."
>Awww
>"We will; however, offer you a reproduction of it instead and instruct the surviving priests of the Reforger to bless it with the spirit of the Kube."
>This might turn out alright.



>It's the next week and I'm resting at Jap bro's house.
>Almost being wrongfully executed by hanging takes a lot out of you.
>Jap bro starts asking rent after the incident with the guards and I willingly pay him for his troubles.
>The dwarf smith was able to get the bullets made for me. It takes a while for orders to go through. But he's managed to get his extra skilled dwarf buddies back home to stamp out a couple more magazines and tons of 5.56 for me, he's also working on finding a mage who could teleport the ammunition into my pouch instead of me needing to come in every so often.
>Only issue is that I have to pay for ammunition way ahead of time.
>It's also expensive.
>But at least I can feed my funs.
>I've spent most of my money and now need some work.
>Head to a bounty office that adventurers go to.
>Jap bro told me that there's just a huge board that anyone can take on.
>I'm actually going to get to larp as a bounty hunter now.
>Maybe I won't go home… at this point it's kind of too late.
>But if I work my way through shit loads of monsters I'll likely be able to get the elves to send me home.
>It's a win-win.
>Shoot some monsters, get loot, and eventually get sent back home.

>The bounty office is a pretty big building on par with a convention center.
>There are merchants everywhere inside hawking their wares to bounty hunters, adventurers, mercenaries, and etc.
>Oh fuck this is cool.
>The bounty board is a fucking massive wall not some tiny board.
>It takes up an entire room and has giant holographic posters for bounties.
>It seems like people stand in line at the bottom and "pull" posters they're interested in.
>It reminds me of a stock ticker.

>I let some other people go before me so I can watch and not look like a dumbass when I do it.
>I get to a little booth beneath the board.
>Read through the bounties.
>"1000 kekles bounty to whoever can clean my monster toliet."
>"300 kekles for each head of demon sheep in the western jungle."
>"10 kekles for each turnip picked, these turnips bite."
>"1000 kekles for dragon caretakers, very high flame resistance recommended."
>"30 kekles per hour at the Elven Yest Grocer as a cashier."


>None of these bounties are very easy… they're either super hard or mundane and don't pay well.
>Come across one that sounds interesting.
>"1000 kekles to whoever can clear the old bunker of goblins, all loot found is yours as usual, but a 500 bonus if you destroy it as well. Be warned: these goblins have rudimentary magic"
>Well don't mind if I do.
>Before I leave I buy some explosives from the market.
>No bullshit NFA here.
>I buy three blocks of what essentially are ye olde magic C4, 2 magic mines, about a dozen sticks of dwarven dynamite, and an implosion charge.
>There is no better feeling than being fully loaded with ammo, explosives, and gats.
>I feel like I could fight a dragon right now.
>You can imagine my frustration when somebody stops me before leaving.
>Wait holy shit it's guard bro from before.
>He stops me and explains that he's glad that I wasn't wrongfully punished.
>As a high elf guard he couldn't dare see the law sullied and had to risk his status even for a poor lowly human.
>Oh right elves are racist…
>But he explains to me one of the berserkers was honourably discharged and wants to travel with me.
>Someone pops out from behind him with a battle ax---
>HOLY SHIT SHE'S HOT.
>Try not to lose my spaghetti.
>She's kinda tall with black hair and greyish eyes.
>keepittogetherman.esp
>Say she can come with me if she wants.
>It's starting to get cold, grey, and cloudy.
>As we leave town I explain the bounty and ask her name.
>"Neiti."
>"Well I'm burger anon and it's nice to meet you."
>I feel like I'm going say something autistic and she's going think I'm an idiot.
>As long as I don't say anything we'll be fine.
>Probably will get back to town and she'll think I was boring and leave.
>I always dreamed of having an attractive female companion but now that I think about it. I'm still me. Even in fantasy land I'm still the same sperg I was back home.
>Plus elves essentially think of humans as niggers.
>I might just be a pet to her.
>I also will need to split the bounty.
>"Anon we're here."
>The bunker has a huge door built into the side of a mountain.
>The whole entrance reminds me of a concrete highway underpass.
>The gates seem to be closed and everything is quiet.
>This seems too easy.


>"Maybe there's another way in."
>We walk around the mountainside and find an exposed wall of concrete revealed by erosion.
>If there's no other way in besides the front door.
>We'll have to make one.
>Rig most of the dynamite onto the wall and by rig I mean pile at the bottom of it.
>Neiti is obviously nervous.
>Go to light the fuse and realize I didn't bring anything to light it with.
>FUCK.
>Neiti comes up besides me.
>Stares at me as if I'm the biggest idiot imaginable.
>Snaps her fingers and conjures a small flame spell.
>As the flame lingers on her index finger she says
>"Stupid round ear."
>She lights it and we run off.
>It destroys the fuck out of the wall.
>A nice big hole ripe for… tactical operations.
>Run up to the left side of the whole and prepare to mag dump as suppressive fire as I climb over the rubble to help me find cover safely.
>Then it's just good old goblin slaying, but we'll have to work on opening up the gate so we can have a different point of exit besides the hole in case it gets overrun.
>Prepare to tell the plan to Neiti.
>She just runs in fucking screaming with her axe.
>ohno.jpeg
>She gets thrown back out by a magic missile as two others fly out.
>Holy shit the goblins do know magic.
>She gets back up and crawls over to my side.
>"What's the plan?"
>thefuckiswrongwithyou.mp3
>Pull out some of the dwarven dynamite.
>"Got a light?"
>She gives that same look as before while mumbling something about mortals and magic.
>Try to toss the sticks into the gap.
>Miss entirely and the bunch rolls back down the rubble.
>GRENADE!!!.MP4
>Neiti fucking dashes out and throws them into the bunker while getting shot by multiple magic missiles as well as a spear.
>Keep in mind she didn't have any armor, that got taken away after the discharge.
>She's lying on the ground now.
>NIGGASHEDEAD.BLACKGUY
>She actually gets back up but gets sent back down by another spear.
>They're just sticking out of her body this point.
>She's like a hedgehog.
>Can't help but feel at least partially responsible for this.
>She crawls back to my side and actually gets up and is moving like everything prior hadn't happened.
>"What's the plan?"
>I imagined this going a lot different. I thought we were going to go all SWAT team on their asses but evidently this is not the case.
>She's looking at me as if I have some other better idea.
>She is losing a lot of blood.
>Realize I'm an idiot.
>I have a gun.
>We don't have to fight them this close up.
>wearentcavemensponge.patrick
>Let Neiti lean on me as we walk farther out behind some trees, holy fuck she is heavy.
>Accidentally mention it to her.
>She stares daggers into me.
>Drop some of the mines on the field.
>Let her down behind some bushes and she starts conjuring healing spells to keep her from dying.
>Tells me to just kill the damn goblins already.
>They've just started filtering out the hole in pursuit of us.
>you've activated my trap card
>Detonate the mines and shred about 10 of them.
>Start taking shots at the other ones.
>5.56 is still surprisingly effective on them.
>A good thing too, ammo is expensive and hard to get.
>I need to make every shot count.
>It's like a god damned turkey shoot. They just keep on coming.
>My barrel is starting to get pretty hot and smoke is rising off the gas tube.
>It's an amazing smell.
>The best adrenaline high imaginable.
>Brass is just piling up at my feet.
>The clinging is still audible and is like the bells of an angel.
>The goblins stop coming out and there's tons of them just piled up dead on the field.
>Look back to Neiti and she's just staring at me mouth agape her eyes sparkling.
>She's fully healed and has taken the spears out of her body.
>We run back up to the hole tripping over the dead goblins.
>I go first this time and spray into the bunker catching a few scared goblins by surprise.
>The rest of the bounty goes fine, a good amount of resaleable loot is inside and we even find a bit of cosmoline.
>Two big containers to be specific.
>Neiti gets noticeably excited at the sight of it and takes them for herself.
>ok then?



>I let Neiti use the detonator to blow up the bunker. She seems pretty damned happy now.
>We return to town and shack up in an Inn for dinner.
>I ask her about herself and apologize for letting her get fucking shanked and absolutely destroyed by magic missiles.
>"Oh that's fine it happens all the time. I'm pretty much used to it by now."
>Would getting fucking skewered and beat to shit just be normal here? If everyone has healing magic I suppose it would be but… what the fuck.
>"I was a berserker in the Elvish guard before I uhhhh…"
>"anyway, I always wanted to meet a fighting human. We have one in the art district but it doesn't seem like combat is his thing."
>"I even got a troll hammer through my sternum once, oh but that didn't hurt nearly as much as the time my arms got pulled off by a skinwalker."
>I hope she isn't bullshiting me, or else this world is way more violent than I initially expected.
>She's talking through mouthfuls of food. I guess healing takes a lot out of you.
>"As a kid I grew up hearing tales about the French army in the human's Great War. How they valiantly fought against the Germanias."
>Oh god is she a francophile?
>"They eventually won as a more cultured and educated people should, especially over some barbaric philistines that is the Germanias."
>Oh god she is.
>"Did you ever go to the French's land?"
>Don't want to disappoint her.
>"U-u-u-h yeah… I have."
>She nearly jumps up onto the table.
>"REALLY? WHAT WAS IT LIKE DID YOU SEE THE TOWER OF EIFFEL AND THE LOUVRE?"
>"Yeah they were nice."
>"We don't have any structures nearly as big as the Tower of Eiffel. No other humans can hold a candle to the architectural prowess of the French. They can't even build a tower nearly as tall."
>inb4 Empire State Building.
>I try to change the topic away from the francophilia before she starts whining about Napoleon.
>"What did you think of the goblins today."
>She laughed loudly and declared, "we absolutely decimated them and can collect the bounty tomorrow. For now we celebrate!"
>She buys the next round of drinks.
>She seems to be a very cheery, outgoing person. A regular extrovert. On the way over she didn't talk to me at all.
>I find out her family has a history of being scouts but she wanted to be a berserker, that she thinks I'm alright for a human, she thought of my combat style with "noise sticks" was cowardly but it is very effective, and that she might want one.
>Hold up, she might want one?
>Attempt to convert her to the church of our lord Eugene Stoner and his glorious little Armalite.
>She's not buying it.
>She wants a gun that's good up close.
>Try to sell her on a carbine like an XM177E2 or an M4A1.
>She's not buying it.
>She doesn't want a pistol either.
>Explain to her the concept of a shotgun and she is fucking ecstatic over it.
>She wants a double barrel.
>Tell her we can visit the dwarven smith tomorrow.
>"Oh and we can trade this for it.
>She pulls out the cosmoline container as if it were the holy grail.
>alright if you say so.


>The next day we meet at the dwarf smith.
>She is able to get a double barrel from the dwarven smith and exchanges the cosmoline for it.
>The smith is very happy over it.
>The fuck is with cosmoline.
>The dwarf was able to reverse engineer my 5.56 somehow into huge shotgun shells.
>The shotgun doesn't swing open like usual though. The barrels slide forward and the shells are loaded in a moonclip-esque system. It then ejects the clip out the side like a garand.
>"Hey anon look!"
>Neiti brings her finger down to the trigger
>OH FUCK TINNITUS NO.
>Hit the deck and cover my ears.
>She fires off two shells.
>The clip hits me on the head as it comes down.
>The concussion is like a fucking punch to the nuts.
>Look up and see it has ripped a hole the size of a computer monitor in the smith's roof.
>Grab the shotgun, pay for the damages, apologize to the smith who is laughing his ass off, and drag Neiti outside with the entire market staring at us.
>She is going to ND into my back at some point isn't she?



>Take her outside the town to practice on some targets.
>She cannot. Hit. Shit.
>It also throws her around like hell.
>Her knife ears are turning downwards.
>"Your human technology is worthless" she yells. "You damn humans can never create anything worthwhile you damned round ear."
>Starts swearing in French at me.
>oof.owie
>Can't return the shotgun, return policies don't exactly exist.
>She comes back after her fuming.
>Teach her how to shoot better, she manages to hit about every one in ten targets.
>asurprisebutawelcomeonenevertheless.starwars
>I think I'm gonna make it.
>They even know how to make burgers here.


>Be me.
>Been about a year since that bounty with Neiti.
>She's stayed back at Amuskeet to teach other elves how to use guns (albeit badly).
>The area was always very traditional and disliked human technology but I guess they've changed.
>It also was one of the areas that didn't hear of the /K/onvergece until later.
>I was also able to contact my family which was nice.
>Me being brought here was part of a larger merge between humans and fantasy races.
>I'm working as a mercenary along other conscripts of KEK.
>The King's Elven Knights.
>Despite the word knight, they aren't using swords and shields anymore. They've converted to the holy church of guns.
>It's a nostalgic title from before the /K/onvergence.
>Since then human technology and magic have done surprisingly well together.
>Nesi is on the frontier of Fantasia.
>The general culture of the region was always full of pioneer spirit, and ever since the /K/onvergence. It's taken on a Wild West.
>Apparently the style of dress and guns were all that was needed, everything else followed.
>It is quite a sight to see a horde of orcs with bows and arrows fighting elves wearing 10 gallon hats and firing Single Action Armys.
>The reason Nesi is on the frontier is because the magic is so strong here, making it difficult to settle.
>It also so happens that the older a gun is the better enchantments you can get out of it.
>Making lever actions, six shooters, and really any gun up to the World Wars perfect for the area.
>Hence why I was given an MP18, enchanted with white phosphorus to burn targets.
>I left my other gats back at Amuskeet cause new funs.
>Though when we finally get to Nesi.
>Everyone in KEK looks out of place.
>For some reason whoever was in charge of procurement made us all look like German Stormtroopers from the first World War.
>It doesn't help us at all since we're supposed to be restoring order among the locals.
>As well as investigating some of the "Eldritch" horrors of the area.
>The locals seem to be giving us a pretty wide berth.
>The dwarf citizens are giving the elven soldiers bitter glances, and the elf citizens are giving the dwarf soldiers bitter glances too.



>Oh no.
>This is going to be like Yugoslavia isn't it?
>It would explain why the dwarves and elves seem to be sticking to their own half of the town.
>I'm a human so I'm safe to walk as I please, though the other KEK troops haven't picked up on the situation yet.
>Settling the "local dispute" and restoring order isn't my job right now.
>As a human I've been assigned to a "Dead Zone."
>These are areas of magic so strong that most races dare not to even venture into.
>The key to cleaning Dead Zones is to essentially kill whatever powerful magic being(s) that live there. After that most of the other monsters will leave as they no longer can feed upon the background magic and abject safety from the hunters the eldritch beast brings.
>The very air of the place makes most fantasy races sick. They just can't process the sheer amount of mana in the air.
>As a non magical human though it means nothing. It still does smell bad though.
>I've been assigned a guide to help me make it to the Dead Zone and have since been waiting for the past damn near two hours.
>"Howdy! Are you the human they call Anon?"
>I turn to find a cowboy elf with a Winchester 1895 slung over her shoulder.
>Holy shit her accent is strong. The drawl is practically dripping off her words, cute tho.
>"Mah name is Luoti."
>"You're late."
>"Yeep, yeep, I knoo I am but I had some… uhhh… trouble gettin here."
>Behind her I see some of the gray uniforms of KEK. They have their pistols drawn and seem to be looking for something.



>"Hey uhhh, so Anon I'm your definitely your guide so we should probably get going now."
>She grabs me by the arm and starts pulling me out of town.
>Holy fuck she's stronger than she looks.
>On the way to the Dead Zone she keeps jabbering on and on.
>She talks way too much and is far too joyful about nearly everything.
>The positivity is nice but it gets grating very quickly.
>You could have syphilis and she'd congratulate you.
>She also has a cheeky look on her face at all times that borders on crazy. I can't help but think she's just being very, very sarcastic.
>Elves, and high elves especially are known for being extremely racist, and often think of humans as nothing more than entertaining pets.
>She regals me with stories about the superiority of the Elven race and how high elves should be considered a different kind of race entirely because they are so superior.
>As the sun sets we come across a huge crowd of orcs camping out with teepees in a valley.
>Some of them even have feather headdresses.
>Paging Elizabeth Warren.
>Luoti suddenly pulls her Winchester and sends a shot over the head of one of the orcs.
>YOU IMBECILE YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL.spy
>There is no way they didn't notice her shot.
>There is also no way we can fight off so fucking many.
>She didn't even hit her shot.
>The orcs start to sound off and start doing their war call.
>"YEET YEET YEET YEET YEET"
>Oh jesus we found 9gag.
>They start firing back while charging up the valley towards us.
>I fill the air with shots from the white phosphorus MP18, the enchantment draws heat from the barrel to adds WP to the bullets which also gives them a white tracer. Helping me to find my shots a little in the dying light.
>Louti is firing nonstop as well at the orcs.
>Missing. Every. Single. Shot.
>what what the fuck.jontron
>She opens the breach of her rifle to reload as a fucking troll, A TROLL pops out behind her.
>I pop a slug of 9mm into its head.
>It doesn't stop it obviously, but the pain of WP eating it from the inside does.
>It keels over backwards and screeches
>"YOU GOTTA DAB ON THEM HATERS."
>I think I just shot Jake Paul.
>Louti stands up, readies her Winchester with flourish, aims her shot, AND MISSES.
>YOU MISSED!!! HOW COULD YOU MISS?!? HE WAS THREE FEET IN FRONT OF YOU!!!.mushu
>The other orcs are still firing at us on the other side of the hill but holy fuck I'm stunned.
>"Hey Anon… you wouldn't happen to have any spare 7.62x54 on you would you?"
>Jesus christ she's a fucking liability.
>Sift through my pack for something for her to use.
>She can't really use C4 or the M72 LAW I keep with me.
>Toss her my Luger I keep in emergencies.
>Knowing full well she's going to miss every fucking shot.
>Turn back to finish off the orcs.
>Turn back to check Luoti.
>The troll is dead though, its chest somehow ripped open.
>She's gone.
>Look down into the camp and there she is looting the tents.
>Turns out there was absolutely nothing of value in the orc camp.



>We rest for the night and set out the next morning.
>With her still jabbering on, the thing is that she's gotten really clingy and doesn't seem to understand the concept of personal space.
>I've never been happier to make it to a Dead Zone.
>The craziest thing is that you can see exactly where it starts, all the plants inside it are extremely overgrown compared to those outside.
>It's as if the world's biggest lawnmower had just gone by.
>The whole area is devoid of any sensory input besides the sound of your own feet.
>No birds, no wind, no heat, no cold.
>It's as if you were going into a vacuum where the only acknowledgement of your existence is limited to your dulled senses.
>"Well. Luoti this is goodbye thank you for your he---"
>Just as I try to leave into the Dead Zone she grabs my arm. Tight. Painfully tight.
>In any other situation I would have been ecstatic to get attention from a girl, but Luoti seemed way too fucking clingy and eager.
>Every single alarm imaginable was going off.
>If I didn't know better she'd ND into my back when I wasn't looking if I stayed around her.
>"Anon…"
>Her accent and cheery demeanor was gone. Now it's an entirely clear and almost angry voice.
>"Before you go…"
>HOLY FUCK SHE'S GOING TO EAT ME.
>"You forgot to take your Luger back!"
>"O-o-oh-h-h t-thanks Luoti."
>I was on the verge of pissing myself. Elves can be fucking scary.
>I try grabbing the Luger but she won't let go.
>I pull harder and she takes the occasion to get even closer to me.
>Fucking inches away.
>RAPE.jontron
>Now that I'm up close close I can see she has really pretty blue eyes, but they are way too  blue and… glowy?
>I feel like she's going to bite me.
>Notice the Luger is pointed at my chest.
>She has way too strong of a smile right now.
>THIS IS NOT OK.
>"Luoti. You can let go now."
>"Oh did I keep grabbing on to it I'm sorry."
>"Of all the human guns, the Luger is my favourite. Besides my Winchester of course."
>She releases it but still stays way too fucking close.
>"I'm gonna be going now."
>"Alright bai Anon. You're alright for a human"
>Head into the Dead Zone, look back every so often to see her staring.
>I hike for a while and forget about Luoti's """uniqueness."""
>Take out my binoculars and look back towards where Luoti was standing.
>HOLY FUCK SHE'S STILL THERE AND STANDING AND STARING.
>Fucking take off even deeper into the Dead Zone.



>The issue with Dead Zones is that you just wander until you eventually make contact with something.
>Usually it ends up being some fucking terrifying beast.
>Come across a farmhouse on the side of a lake.
>Come across a windo--- AND THAT'S BLOOD.
>Go inside and find more blood but besides that, nothing.
>The house is pretty dull without any good loot.
>It'll make a good place to shack up though.
>I check the lake and sure enough it's holy water at least this part is.
>I can see a spring bubbling under the water.
>That must have been why the farmhouse was built nearby.
>If I ever get into deep shit it looks like I'm retreating into the lake.
>I bottle some and keep it handy.
>I follow one of the paths from the farmhouse as it goes into the forest.
>I find a calcified dwarf corpse with a silvery pickaxe in his hand. His face is caught in a look of sheer terror.
>Please don't let there be some kind of medusa monster.
>I keep the pickaxe since it's so light and will be handy in an emergency,
>It's tipped a glowing blue at the ends. Probably some mining enchantment.
>It reminds me of Luoti's eyes.
>Say what you will about her being crazy, she was pretty fucking hot.
>Keep walking along the path as fog rolls in.
>Fog is never good.
>Notice the path forks ahead.
>Start going up to the sign, and… that's no sign.
>If it is, that's the worst most unsettling shaped sign imaginable.
>It's some figure with arms and legs way out of proportion, they're elongated and bony.
>It's a fucking wendigo.
>Pop a shot into its head and it goes down easy.
>More wendigos start coming out of the treeline, way too many of them.
>Reload the MP18 and start hauling ass away while burning rounds.
>I manage to down a couple of them but the rest of the pack is sprinting at me.
>They shamble from side to side and some of their heads rotate like a gyroscope.
>I'm not gonna be able to outrun them or reload in time.



>Have an idea to use the holy water.
>Throw one of the bottles on the ground
>Throw more of them around me to form a ring of safety.
>Anti sea bear circle engage!
>They hesitate.
>More of them are gathering.
>WELL FUCK
>Dump the last bottle of holy water onto me.
>The wendigos all screech in frustration to a deafening crescendo.
>I cover my ears but the pitch and treble is so strong I can feel it in my teeth.
>I wasn't prepared for so many, this was supposed to be a lesser Dead Zone. It is extremely close to Nesi after all.
>They're just going to wait until the holy water dries.
>I grip my MP18 closer, and decide FUCK IT.
>I mag dump into the crowd and they all screech in panic again.
>They're running away!
>But once my mag hits dry, they keep running.
>It isn't from me.
>Turn around and peer into the fog.
>Fuck there's something there.
>Even I can feel it.



>Take off running into the woods.
>I can feel whatever the wendigos were running from behind me.
>I'm tunnel visioned and don't see the rope trap beneath my feet.
>I get swept up like a cartoon character
>Nearby at the base are calcified handprints.
>Oh the dwarf must have set it up.
>Try to wiggle and shimmy my way out.
>Something is still out there though.
>At this point I might as well have crawled into a silver platter.
>"Aaaaaanon!"
>what
>"Anon where are you?"
>Holy fuck that's Luoti.
>Did she fucking follow me?
>She could have at least shot the fucking wendigos for me.
>"Anon I need you." She says in a sing song voice.
>That's Luoti alright
>"Anon I'm getting closer."
>My heartrate starts coming down. Jesus christ I've never been so happy to know a hyper clingy elf.
>Luoti is stalking the edge of the clearing.
>There she is, in all her elven beauty, someone to help and get me down.
>"Anon what are you doing up there?"
>"Just get me down would you?"
>I don't know if it's because I'm hanging upside down but Luoti seems a lot taller than before. Her eyes are also like god damned LEDs.
>She's still partially concealed by the fog
>"Hey Luoti?"
>"Yes Anon?"
>"How did you find me?"
>"I just knew where you'd be silly."
>Something's up.
>"Hey Luoti, what was the name of the pistol you gave me again?"
>"Oh it was a Ruger!"
>"It was a Luger."
>"Luger, Ruger same thing."
>"You said it was your favourite human gun Luoti."
>She's finally come into the clearing and HOLY SHIT SHE'S FUCKING HUGE.
>She's at least 8 feet and has a smile that's more sinister than her usual cheeky.
>"Luoti?"
>"Yes Anon?"
>"Why are you so big?"
>"Oh this just makes it easier Anon. For the both of us."
>The whole time she's been looking at me she hasn't blinked once.
>I'M GETTING FREAKED OUT
>"Hey L-l-l-uoti?
>"Yeah Anon?"
>"A-a-are you ok?"
>Fuck my voice is getting high pitched and squeaky.
>"I'm perfect Anon, are you scared?"
>I can only eek out a meek whisper of "a little."
>"Good."
>Luoti is licking her lips and is giving a really toothy grin now.
>ALL RIGHT FUCK THIS!
>Remember I have a gun.
>Remember said gun shoots bullets.
>Remember said bullets kill shit.
>Take my MP18 and fucking mag dump into her stomach.
>Shoot the rope keeping me up and I fall.
>A shadow covers the ground in front of me.
>Look up and Luoti is still there, with flattened 9mm slugs sitting at the ground before her.
>Though her skin has started to sag and shed.
>FUCKING SKINWALKER.
>Reach for my trump card, the LAW.
>It has "Megumin" written on the side.
>Shut up don't judge me.
>It can only fire once every 24 hours so I only use it in emergencies.
>This is an emergency.
>The backblast is going to be a bitch.
>Fire the rocket into """Luoti""" and send """her""" flying back into the woods.
>Go to untie the trap
>I'm able to free my legs just as """Luoti""" gets back up.
>At this point it's not even Luoti it's just a goddamned skinwalker.
>"That wasn't very nice of you Anon."
>FUUUUCCCCKKK THIS.
>Take off running again back to the farm house.
>Pass a trio of Wendigos just chilling near the path.
>They give confused glances as I run by.
>I can hear the skinwalker decimating them from its sheer strength behind me.
>It throws an upper half of a Wendigo's body at me
>I manage to make it to the farmhouse and start stripping myself of my gear.
>I can see the blue of its eyes through the fog.
>I hop into the lake.
>The skinwalker has come back into view and has its skin as a shawl around it.
>I keep walking backwards into the lake and keep my MP18 trained on it.
>Much to my surprise it steps in the lake.
>Its body burns and hisses as it touches the water.
>"The water won't save you Anon."
>"The holy water spring only goes so far."
>Sure enough as it comes closer and closer its body stops burning.
>FUCK.
>I nope the fuck out of the water and climb back onto shore as the skinwalker laughs behind me
>It sounds so much like Luoti. It even has her eyes.
>I say fuck the farmhouse and just run through.
>I can hear the skinwalker's heavy steps echoing through the building.
>I pray to every single god I know to get me through this safely.
>I have one last hail Mary, I always keep a block of C4 in my pack for utility.
>Toss it into the house and hit the detonator.
>The entire farmhouse goes up.
>If you've ever seen Terminator, you know what happens next.
>The skinwalker pushes its way out of the rubble.
>It's pretty obvious its done toying with me because it's sprinting full speed.
>Aim my MP18, it's empty.
>Draw my Luger, it's empty Luoti or the skinwalker, not sure who, fired all the shots.
>It's funny what adrenaline can do for your thought process.
>It was only then I made the connection between the dwarf's pickaxe and the skinwalker's eyes.
>I chuck the pickaxe into its head and it finally goes down.
>The entire forest is silent now.
>I cautiously go up to it.
>The thing rolls over and I jump back.
>"Anon."
>"Y-y-yeah?"
>"I enjoyed killing the orcs."
>"Sure…"
>"It was fun playing around, even if it was with a dumb human."
>Its eyes finally go dark.
>The craziest thing about skinwalkers is that they only take on the skin or a vague look of their victims.
>It had Luoti's eyes, had her memories, and even her racism.
>What the fuck.



>I can hear the clocktower outside the inn ringing.
>It always rings twelve times.
>It also is set to always be at high noon.
>You can imagine the issues it creates.
>For one thing no one knows what fucking time it is ever.
>There's also always a line for the "duel."
>I'm not kidding, there's always at least ten people lined up on every street of the town.
>When the clocktower rings they all draw and fire on their opponent.
>Because there's so many and they usually miss, they usually end up killing someone else.
>Fucking elves.
>At least five bullets have found their way into my room somehow.
>Before the /K/onvergence the town wasn't like this.
>Nesi was more of a medieval town just with the Wild West behavior tropes.
>It was more chivalrous than rugged.
>Some cowboy /k/ommando decided it would be funny to leave a bunch of the elves and dwarves with some Wild West movies and some assorted six shooters and lever actions.
>Things just kind of spiraled out of hand afterwards.
>Apparently the feud between the elves and dwarves here is over who are better cowboys than the others.
>They actually have a fucking Clint Eastwood look alike contest.
>When I got back to town one of the first things I did was ask about """Luoti."""
>It turns out no one even knew who she was.
>The real guide had gotten food poisoning and forgot to send someone to tell me.
>Not even the KEK troops chasing after Luoti knew who she was.
>I've been sleeping in and living a NEET lifestyle since I haven't received my next assignment yet.
>It would be comfy except the fantasy niggers here haven't quite figured out the concepts of air conditioning yet.

>I wanted to buy something to replace my MP18.
>I wanted an M16A2 because inna desert.
>The stores here only had cowboy guns.
>One even had a fucking Gatling gun.
>I found an M1903 Springfield instead, enchanted so it would have no bullet drop.
>I could probably hunt the goblin version of Pancho Villa with this.
>If only I knew how right I was at the time.
>I would have bought the Gatling gun.



>The Commander of the King's Elven Knights (KEK) is my boss.
>He's shored up, fittingly, in the sheriff's office.
>He was in the middle of beating the shit out of a goblin when I came in.
>"WHERE ARE THE WEAPON CACHES YOU SCALY FUCK?"
>The goblin was unconscious.
>"ALRIGHT YOU LIZARD EYED SHITTER NOW YOU'VE DONE IT."
>The commander pulled out a battle axe from under his desk.
>"FOR EVERY QUESTION YOU DON'T ANSWER YOU LOSE A TAIL."
>"commander he only has one tail."
>"SHUT THE FUCK UP LIEUTENANT."
>"OK YOU GOBBY GOOK WHERE ARE THE GUNS?"
>The goblin was silent.
>"HERE GOES!"
>The commander brought the axe down on its tail and… nothing. It didn't even react.
>The Lieutenant went over and checked the goblin's pulse.
>"Sir. He's dead."
>"Oh, oh I knew that."
>this.nigga
>"Alright Anon what can I help you with?"
>He pointed at me with his battle axe and damn near took my head off.
>He had to pry the damn thing out of the wall.
>He then proceeded to drop it into the Lieutenant's hands blade first.
>"I was wondering if you had a job for me?"
>"Ahhh, well we do happen to have a job for you."
>"There happens to be a goblin terrorizing the villages outside Nesi. He's leading a revolutionary group of goblins who are demanding to 'gas the bikes, race car now.'"
>"Do you mean 'gas the kikes, race war now?'"
>"No. I'm sure it's race car."
>"Anyway, as you know gas is a valuable natural resource. As are bikes and race cars. So your job will be to find this goblin named uhhh…"
>He took a notepad out of his pocket and I could clearly see the goblin went by the name "Pancho Villa."
>The Wild West shenanigans never end.
>"The goblin's name is 'Pinko Allah.'"
>"Do you mea---."
>"I mean what I said."



>The Lieutenant grabs me as I leave the Sheriff's office.
>He hands me an M1903 Springfield, pouches full of sweet sweet .30-06, a Single Action Army,  an information folder, and the dead goblin.
>He tells me to wait in the pub for my guide.
>Fuck they better be better than the last one.
>I have to pull the dead goblin out of the office and toss him into the dumpster.
>He's heavy as shit and pours blood all over my fatigues as I toss him in.
>He lands on flesh.
>Excuse me?
>I check the dumpster and sure enough it's full of fucking dead goblins.
>I guess that wasn't the first one the Commander killed by """accident."""
>An undertaker elf approaches me.
>"Excuse me fine sir would these goblins happen to be yours."
>oh fuck I'm going to jail for this aren't I?
>I try to hide the obvious goblin blood on me.
>"No, I've never seen those in my life."
>"Ahhh jolly good then!"
>The undertaker elf calls over a cart and two elves get out to chuck the dead goblins into the back of it.
>The side of the cart says "Derek the Dwarf's Meat Delicacies."
>Oh no.
>I watch as the elves drive the cart towards the local butcher.
>They also run over two drunken dwarves on the way.
>Who then proceed to draw their Colt's and fire at the cart.
>Their dwarf friends come out of the local pub and start firing at the cart with their lever actions.
>The undertaker elf pulls a punt gun bigger than him and fires it.
>I get thrown against the sheriff's office from the blast.
>By the time the dust clears the dwarves have been reduced to meat chunks.
>There is also a crater in the middle of the street.
>Undertaker elf's two friends are dead as well.
>He chucks them into the same pile as the dead goblins.
>He hops off the cart and throws chunks of dwarves into the cart as well.
>Arms, legs, torsos, lungs, hearts, heads, etc are all scavenged.
>Somehow he manages to pull the cart to the loading bay of the butcher's shop.
>I kind of understand vegans now.



>The pub the dwarves ran out of happens to be the one my guide will be in.
>Apparently the Lieutenant didn't trust me to understand the map the Commander crudely drew.
>It looks like a preschool art project.
>He put a sea monster in the middle of a desert.
>He also put a big circle with the words "BAD GUY BE HERE" right above it.
>The pub is pretty crowded it looks like.
>There is also a line to get inside.
>what.
>Every time someone walks in the entire place goes silent.
>I wait my turn and walk in.
>The entire pub goes silent as expected.
>I notice a sign over the bar that declares "as in accordance with Cowboy rule #192: all patrons must be silent upon another patron entering the establishment."
>Oh right Wild West tropes.
>I take a seat at the bar and the bartender hands me a rag to wipe the goblin blood off my clothing.
>Fuck I forgot.
>I ask for a beer, he hands me a root beer.
>In fact all they have is root beer.
>"This here is a family establishment friendo."
>Look around and sure enough there are dwarf kids running around.
>At least the root beer is cold.
>I wait for another two hours for my guide to find me.
>I swear to god if they got food poisoning again I'm just going off on my own.
>The guide finally shows up and it's another girl elf.
>"Are you A---"
>"Yes I am can we go now?"
>"O---"
>I grab her and start to leave.
>"But what about my lunch?"
>"You can eat on the way there."
>Her name is Hiekka.
>She explains what "Pinko Allah" has been doing to the villages around the town.
>In order to fulfill his dream of a "race car" and to "gas the bikes now."
>He has taken to founding a community based upon equal distribution of goods from each according to their ability to each according to their need in favor of a classless stateless society.
>He plans to do this by and I quote "killing everyone."
>Sounds like the usual approach.
>He's hiding out in a gulch a couple dozen miles north of town.
>Hiekka had her family's farm burned down as part of a "redistribution of rubble for the non rubble having goblins" initiative by Pinko Allah.
>Is everyone here just completely insane?
>Hiekka also neglected to bring a gun and is carrying a small KA-BAR.
>I swear once I finish killing Pinko Allah I am hopping on the first train out of Nesi and back to somewhere sane.
>Maybe Minneapolis.
>Unlike Luoti, Hiekka is relatively quiet and shy. A nice change.
>She also understands the concept of personal space.
>She is really just here for revenge.
>I was able to tell so when she had somehow found a goblin and eviercerated him.
>She now has a revolver that she took off him.
>The epitome of a quiet killer.
>I'm not sure how she knows exactly where Pinko Allah is.
>She explained it as "I can smell his little bitch ass cunt from a mile away."
>"It smells like pine trees and liquor."
>That was one of the few times she ever talked to me.
>We finally arrive at the gulch and it is full of goblins.
>As in there are just pens of full of goblins.
>They're kept together like sheep.
>I don't see Pinko Allah though.
>"HNNNGGGHHH."
>I turn around and see that Hiekka has just assassinated a roving guard.
>Said guard also has an RPG and looks like a mujahideen.
>She then proceeded to fire the RPG into the gulch and run down into it screaming with her knife.
>I stayed back to watch as she John Wicked her way through the hordes and came covered in goblin blood.
>Remind me not to make you angry.jpeg