working thirds with the socially starved

I work third shift at a place where not very many people work third shift, so I spent the majority of my night working alone. A lot of the time when I tell people this they say, “That’s awful; you must get so bored working alone.” What? No. I love working alone. It’s not boring; I actually find myself to be quite entertaining on my own. Plus, do you realize how annoying EVERYBODY is? My least favorite part of any job being acquainted with my co workers. I don’t even want to be distinguishable by any traits when I’m at work. If someone were to say, “hey, you wear a lot of black shirts.” I would burn every single black shirt I own. This is similar to the fact that I don’t want to be a regular at any restaurant. I pulled up to the drive thru window at a Taco Bell once and the lady working said she put fire sauce in my bag already because she recognized my voice and knew I’d ask for it. I drove off without my food and haven’t eaten a taco since. Who am I kidding? I took the food; I already paid for it.

Working third shift can be hard on people who don’t have a social life outside of work. Whenever I go to a gas station on my break I always end up tied in conversations with socially starved third shift employees who hang out at home with their cats all day until nighttime rolls around and they finally get a chance to t converse with a few people over the course of the evening. These people are the worst. Those conversations linger worse than a fucking fart in the shower. The worst shower fart conversations are with 3rd shift highway rest stop attendants. They have what is certifiably the most hapless job in existence. If you are ever at a rest stop at 3 in the morning and find yourself cornered in the vending machine section by a 3rd shift rest stop attendant, just make a run for it. They’re worse than the depressed robot in a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Their loneliness has developed its own scent, a scent which is not unlike a shower fart.

I’ve been in way too many 10 minute long conversations about football players I’ve never heard of with these people. I’ve only heard of like four football players. I don’t know why but I always pretend that I’m into sports when people want to talk about it with me. I always just play the roll the other person wants me to play in small talk situations. When talking with co-workers I’ll say things like, “is it Friday yet?” Yeah, I wanted to punch myself in the face.