Vorpas gets dunked on

Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20-2 --> [ 1d20=8 ]{6}
Vorpas
!roll 1d20+2 for initiative
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+2 for initiative --> [ 1d20=4 ]{6}
Vorpas
errrr
higher mod had initiative?
vampsquirrel
You have the higher mod, so you go before the other 6.
Vorpas
ye
<cat turn?>
vampsquirrel
The cat pounces forward at you, trying to rake its claws across your chest.
!roll 1d20+2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=8 ]{10}
Vorpas
Vorpas deftly sidesteps the beast.
< https://docs.google.com/document/d/1os3kauaHLT8JXdhg1QY2MUn590FfYZlvodwSbTmmj2Q/edit >
vampsquirrel
Your turn.
Vorpas
Vorpas snaps at the beast, neck and back outstretched.
!roll 1d20+2
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=16 ]{18}
Vorpas
!roll 1d6+2
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d6+2 --> [ 1d6=5 ]{7}
Vorpas
He sinks his jaws deep into its flank.
He then attempt to pummel it with his gauntlets.
!roll 1d20+2
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=2 ]{4}
Vorpas
But they glance off its hard exterior.
He ends his turn/
vampsquirrel
<Dude. Chill>
<You don't even know its AC>
Vorpas
<im pretty sure its 12, unless it has some special enhancement>
<cause the +2 dex mod>
vampsquirrel
Your jaws crash against the beast's side, scraping against the crystal but failing to do more than some small scratches. Your fists do nothing against its strong side.
The cheese golem steps in and swats at you.
!roll 1d20-2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20-2 --> [ 1d20=8 ]{6}
Vorpas
Vorpas detaches himself and ducks under its strike.
vampsquirrel
The cat turns and attempts another pounce.
!roll 1d20+2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=14 ]{16}
vampsquirrel
!roll 1d6+2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d6+2 --> [ 1d6=2 ]{4}
Vorpas
21/25
vampsquirrel
Its claws rake against your armor and reach the flesh beneath, dealing 4 damage.
Your turn.
Vorpas
"Mother of fuck!"
You attempt to grapple the shiny cat.
vampsquirrel
Make an athletics check.
Vorpas
!roll 1d20+3
<uhg shit i forgot my mod for attack was +3
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+3 --> [ 1d20=20 ]{23}
Vorpas
>
vampsquirrel
<Not gonna even bother to roll against that>
Vorpas
<can you edit and say the cat took 8 damage instead of 7?>
vampsquirrel
<Sure.>
Vorpas
<aight>
<no extra benefit for my crit? :^y>
!roll 1d20+3 for unarmed
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+3 for unarmed --> [ 1d20=8 ]{11}
Vorpas
<miss?>
vampsquirrel
Your fists glance off its flank.
Vorpas
Vorpas ends his turn.
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Vorpas
<sorry, i ended muh turn, anything after that?>
vampsquirrel
<No, I waited for you to get back.>
Vorpas
<thx>
vampsquirrel
The golem swings its cheesy fist at you.
!roll 1d20-2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20-2 --> [ 1d20=10 ]{8}
Vorpas
"You shall never hyt me you delycyous bastard!"
vampsquirrel
The cat beast then writhes around trying to escape from your grip.
!roll 1d20+2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=10 ]{12}
Vorpas
!roll 1d20+2
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=18 ]{20}
Vorpas
<+3 i mean>
<but owell
>
vampsquirrel
In its struggles it swings out its limbs, trying to claw at you to escape.
!roll 1d20
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20 --> [ 1d20=6 ]{6}
vampsquirrel
Your grip is too strong though, and it is unable to effectively reach you.
Your turn.
Vorpas
Vorpas attempts to bite its neck.
!roll 1d20+3
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+3 --> [ 1d20=11 ]{14}
Vorpas
<hit?>
vampsquirrel
Your teeth scratch along its crystal shell, but still can't break through to deal any real damage.
Vorpas
<Whats its AC?!>
<:ooo>
vampsquirrel
<Don't worry about that>
Vorpas
<damn plotguard>
Duly annoyed, you detach from the cat, growling at it, attempting to intimidate it.
!roll 1d20-1
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=4 ]{3}
Vorpas
<errr>
You end your turn. . . .
vampsquirrel
<Hmm, whoops sorry, I was distracted by dm chat>
!roll 1d20
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20 --> [ 1d20=9 ]{9}
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Vorpas
End turn.
vampsquirrel
You fail to intimidate the cat, who seizes on this opportunity to pounce on you again, the golem slowly swings its cheesy fist at you once again.
!roll 1d20+2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=3 ]{5}
vampsquirrel
!roll 1d20-2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20-2 --> [ 1d20=14 ]{12}
vampsquirrel
!roll 2d4
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 2d4 --> [ 2d4=7 ]{7}
Vorpas
<wait, doesnt a tie go to the higher mod?!>
vampsquirrel
The ogre's cheesy punch slams into you, dealing 7 damage.
<I usually give ties on to-hit vs AC to the aggressor>
Vorpas
<kk, it really depends on the dm i have>
"Oof"
<my turn?>
vampsquirrel
The cheese golem roars at you, Roll to resist intimidation.
!roll 1d20
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20 --> [ 1d20=8 ]{8}
Vorpas
!roll 1d20-1
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=11 ]{10}
Vorpas
You are unfazed.
vampsquirrel
Your turn.
Vorpas
You attempt to consume the cheese golems arm, or at least a part of it.
!roll 1d20+3
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+3 --> [ 1d20=1 ]{4}
Vorpas
<oh dear god>
vampsquirrel
You bite down on the golem's arm and you hear the grating noise of metal bending. On pulling back, you discover that your teeth have been bent and some have broken.
Vorpas
"god damnit, im going to have to fix that later. . . "
"god damnyt, ym going to have to fyx that later. . . "*
vampsquirrel
Your jaws now do 1d4 damage to ungrappled targets and 1d8 to grappled targets.
Vorpas
You get an idea, and attempt to growl at the cat again.
!roll 1d20-1
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=17 ]{16}
vampsquirrel
!roll 1d20
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20 --> [ 1d20=15 ]{15}
Vorpas
<woo!>
vampsquirrel
You frighten the cat, it slowly begins backing away from you.
Vorpas
You end your turn.
vampsquirrel
The golem charges you again, bellowing and swinging its fists. Roll to resist intimidation again.
!roll 1d20
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20 --> [ 1d20=6 ]{6}
Vorpas
!roll 1d20-1
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=13 ]{12}
vampsquirrel
!roll 1d20-2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20-2 --> [ 1d20=13 ]{11}
Vorpas
You stay calm, and sidestep its delicious exterior.
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Vorpas
<errr>
vampsquirrel
The cat attacks you despite its fear.
!roll 1d20
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20 --> [ 1d20=7 ]{7}
vampsquirrel
It tries to get you with its claws after missing its initial strike.
Vorpas
You give it a mean look and it backs off.
vampsquirrel
!roll 1d20+2
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20+2 --> [ 1d20=16 ]{18}
Vorpas
"Oh your going to pay for that."
vampsquirrel
You take 3 damage from its claws.
Vorpas
11/25
vampsquirrel
The cat backs away from you and begins radiating bright light, seeming to shift its form before your eyes.
vampsquirrel
As the light dissipates, you see that standing where the cat was, is a pink crystal version of the empress, glaring down angrily at you.
Your turn.
Vorpas
"Aw fuck naw"
"The empress ys much uglyer than that!"
You attempt to grapple this new foe.
!roll 1d20+3
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20+3 --> [ 1d20=1 ]{4}
Vorpas
<ERRYTIE<>
<I CRI>
vampsquirrel
The empress casually catches you by the throat as you attempt to grapple her, and lifts you up off the ground.
Vorpas
In your failed attempt to grapple her, you fondle her breast tenderly.
":\"
vampsquirrel
She ignores your fondling, it also doesn't feel much like a breast because she's made of crystal.
Vorpas
You give the golem a sharp look, attempting to intimidate it.
!roll 1d20-1
Tyche[Dice]
Vorpas rolled : 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=13 ]{12}
vampsquirrel
!roll 1d20
Tyche[Dice]
vampsquirrel rolled : 1d20 --> [ 1d20=7 ]{7}
vampsquirrel
The golem backs away from the two of you, fearfully looking on.
The empress begins squeezing your throat, choking you. You take 2 damage, and can't breathe.
Vorpas
9/25
"Fuc- You- bytch!"
vampsquirrel
The empress looks at you, rage etched into her expression, before raising her trident and jabbing you with it sharply.
It doesn't stab through you, instead it delivers an extraordinarily painful shock, you take 2 damage.
Vorpas
7/25
"MOTHERGLUBBYN FUCK"
vampsquirrel
The ogre begins glowing with the same light the empress glowed with before.
Vorpas
"Aww fuuuuuck!"
vampsquirrel
When the light dissipates from it, it reveals the short and fat skeleton from before.
Vorpas
"Oh, hello there."
"Lyttle help?"
vampsquirrel
"hey"
"real problem you're in there, huh?"
Vorpas
"Yndeed."
You gesture with your head at the crystal empress.
vampsquirrel
"maybe she'd be nicer to you if you weren't trying to kill her and the heiress?"
Vorpas
"Well, maybe yf she herself were here, and not a fucking crystel ymatatyon."
vampsquirrel
The Crystal Empress' hand tightens on your throat, dealing another 2 damage.
Vorpas
5/25
"OY!"
vampsquirrel
"listen kiddo, you're not gonna get anywhere making enemies like that. i'm sure you've got plenty of rage filling you regarding the empress, but sometimes you gotta just be patient, think things over you know?"
Vorpas
":\"
"And how does that apply to this sytuatyon?"
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Vorpas
<errr, did you hear the last thing i said?>
vampsquirrel
<yeah>
vampsquirrel
"listen, i'm sure you think i'm crazy, but i think, the best thing you can do is give up. you're not on the right playing field for this battle right now, you've gotta wait for the right moment, carefully consider your decisions, don't just jump at every crystal imitation, you know?
"
Vorpas
"Uh, sure thyng."
You give the crystal bitch your most polite smile.
"Can you please release me?"
vampsquirrel
She looks at you for a moment, and you can almost feel her hand tense like it's about to snap your neck, but then, she vanishes in a flash of white light.
Vorpas
You fall to the floor.
"Ow!"
vampsquirrel
"heh, sorry about the landing there kiddo, need a *hand*?" The skeleton has removed one of his hands and is offering it to you.
Vorpas
You squint at the skeleton, and snatch the hand, shoving it into your mouth and captcheloging it.
"I might need one eventually."
You smile broadly.
vampsquirrel
"heh, nice."
"anyways, i'd say my time here's about over, i'm just a puzzle construct, so i'm about to fade away."
Vorpas
"Do y get to keep the hand?"
"Y was not kyddyng when y sayd y myght need yt."
vampsquirrel
"probably not, although i don't think you'll have any shortage of skeleton hands waiting for you."
Vorpas
"Sweet."
"But not many wyll be as hygh qualyty as yours."
vampsquirrel
"you're a pretty fucked up kid, you know that?"
Vorpas
"Oh ym well aware."
vampsquirrel
"they usually are."
The room around you begins to glow white, as does the skeleton.
Vorpas
"You were no dyfferent, y suspect."
". . . "
vampsquirrel
"heh, i guess it really depends on your point of view. i think i just knew too much."
Vorpas
"also, dont tell the heyress ym tryyng to murder her."
"That would be really lame."
vampsquirrel
"my lips are sealed, it wouldn't be my place anyways."
Vorpas
"No, yt would not."
vampsquirrel
"although, i think you're gonna have a harder time doing that now."
Vorpas
"Why so?"
vampsquirrel
"oh looks like we're out of time."
Vorpas
"WHY SO?!"
vampsquirrel
The glow intensifies to the point where it's blinding.
It fades away and you're back in the castle.
==END==
Vorpas
"Get the fuck back here you dooty bastard!"