LizMassacre: First thing I wanna know is... how is this actually affecting you? Because, I've done a whole lot of talking about what's going on with me and all I know is you're... upset
LuciferUrbano: What if...I prefer it to be private...how I am affected?
LizMassacre: It's me though Seph, why can't you tell me how you feel?
LuciferUrbano: It's not that I can't...or rather, it's not that I've told myself that we're no longer close enough to have these types of convos. No. I know I can still talk to you, I know I can still trust you. It's just that I find it hard to talk about me....my feelings. I just keep them in and mostly ignore them...the way I get them out is thinking...having...and u may think im crazy but having conversations in my mind. I choose whether or not to be public with my emotions.
LuciferUrbano: Its hard to explain
LuciferUrbano: I'll use an example. Something that is...not related to us.
LuciferUrbano: That same supervisor yes? Her name is Latisha. Ok...so...we've been in this position before where I do something stupid...like not answer her when she came in the store room looking for me...when I know she's already irritated. Alright...she stops talking to me...not altogether...but in a way that would make me feel bad. So...I think...most times I overthink. 'Shit, what did I do...how do I fix this...I want her as a friend and I really dont wanna lose that....why am I so stupid...why do I always have to take the emotional route.
LuciferUrbano: '*
LuciferUrbano: Thats me thinking...blaming myself.
LuciferUrbano: Then..I'd just stop...Bare in mind all this is happening while I'm working. She's walking up and down, doing her job, ignoring me unless she absolutely has to confront me about work etc. First...I sulk...but then I'd choose to go by one of my friends and say something funny or laugh at something they say...I'd choose to just forget. Most times I get fed up and just dont think about it anymore. And that's what she sees. When she finally started talking to me again, she told me she thought I gave up and just didnt care anymore.
LuciferUrbano: I just chose to be that way. I didn't actually stop caring, I just knew that well...there was nothing I could do to fix it.
LuciferUrbano: That is too much typing. I hope you understood that.
LizMassacre: I do understand
LizMassacre: And how you felt with her, is that how you feel now?
LuciferUrbano: How..I felt w- what do you mean
LizMassacre: "I didn't stop caring... I just knew there was nothing I could do to fix it"
LizMassacre: I mean that part
LuciferUrbano: Basically.....basically. For sure, I have not stopped caring about you Kelly.
LizMassacre: Are you happier now than you were before?
LuciferUrbano: not really
LizMassacre: So... then what brought you to the decision to end it so abruptly? I know my message wasn't... very helpful. But, in reality my medication was changed they had to up the dose so I'm still... adjusting so to speak? So I wasn't exactly in the best of mind frames at that time. I mean fuck, I've done so so much Seph. I would have done anything for you, yanno? You meant the world to me, hell you still do. I just ugh... why leave if you weren't unhappy
LuciferUrbano: I am unhappy..
LuciferUrbano: That..is the reason. I was happy...but kinda miserable at the same time. I do not like contradiction and that was basically my life. It was a whirlwind of chaos and I had to shut some things down...let go of some of the most important things to me.
LuciferUrbano: I'm sorry that you were one of those...I really am but sigh. I can't keep us both stable at the same time...its too much for me
LizMassacre: That's the thing though Seph, I don't expect you to keep me stable, yanno. That's my job and I can handle myself I have for the past three weeks. I've had my rough patches but I don't expect you to keep me stable, that's not how relationships work. Like fuck, we've been through so much and this... is what made it end? That's just sad honestly, because we were much better than that.
LuciferUrbano: Yh...ik Im pathetic.
LizMassacre: You aren't pathetic
LizMassacre: You need to realize also that I'm still here for you. I haven't gone anywhere even though I probably should of. I'm here to support you Seph and you don't even give me the chance. You just left, oof. You should know me better by now, I'm not gonna just go
LuciferUrbano: Yeah well. I have a tendency to lose people.
LizMassacre: And? So do I. I know that feeling all too well. But... again. I'm still here
LizMassacre: You're still here too Seph, so that has to mean something. I myself, never stick around usually I just leave. But, I'm here for you in every way that I possibly can be. Just open your eyes and realize that you have someone who cares so fucking much about you. Who wants to help you, to let you know all this shit doesn't have to be done alone. I mean.. it shouldn't be hard to realize with how much i say it.
LuciferUrbano: Ik you care
LizMassacre: Then why won't you let me help you?
LuciferUrbano: Help me with what
LizMassacre: With everything you're going through. That's what I'm here for, that's what you do when you love someone. You can't just push me away which is what this whole ordeal is doing
LuciferUrbano: Liz. I need time for me. I am all over the place. I want to be focused on one thing in every aspect of my life. I'm not. It's not fair to you. How are you going to help...the only thing I can do is talk to you about them annd I don't need to talk about my isssues.
LizMassacre: So pushing me away from you is your soultion
LizMassacre: That's wonderful
LuciferUrbano: I told you, we can be friends. I said that when you asked. That's not pushing you away.
LizMassacre: Do you know how long it'll take for us to actually be... friends?
LizMassacre: Me having feelings for you isn't just gonna disappear
LuciferUrbano: I dont expect them to
LizMassacre: just fuck, we're going to end up hating each other
LuciferUrbano: Do you even try? To be positive I mean.
LizMassacre: I have been, I really have
LuciferUrbano: The situation is fucked up. I know. But jesus christ.
LizMassacre: I know, I'm sorry.
LizMassacre: I shouldn't have said it.
LuciferUrbano: No...you should and you did. Don't apologize for it.
LizMassacre: Fuck, I don't even know what to do right now
LuciferUrbano: I'm going to go to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open.
LizMassacre: Okay
LuciferUrbano: Have a good night
LizMassacre: I'lll try, you too
LuciferUrbano: thanks
LizMassacre: Yw