Eng The Last Laugh (2019)

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1
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<i>You've worked hard. That's a fact.</i>

2
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<i>Now, it's time to relax</i>

3
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<i>and there's no better place to relax
than right here.</i>

4
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<i>Palm Sunshine is not a home.</i>

5
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<i>It's a paradise.</i>

6
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<i>Start your day with friends by the pool,</i>

7
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<i>then join us at the Sunshine Bistro
for lunch or dinner</i>

8
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<i>and be sure to take a stroll
around the five acres of luscious greenery</i>

9
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<i>before returning
to your easy access bungalow,</i>

10
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<i>designed by famed architect Bijan Zanjan.</i>

11
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<i>Feel like going shopping or to the movies?</i>

12
00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:05,899
<i>Let our Sunshine Shuttle take you there.</i>

13
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<i>But why leave when you see
who's performing at the Casbah Cabaret?</i>

14
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:15,950
<i>Some of the hottest acts in show business
hit the stage five nights a week.</i>

15
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<i>You've taken care of business,
taken care of your family.</i>

16
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<i>Isn't it time somebody took care...
of you?</i>

17
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,088
<i>♪ You've worked hard ♪</i>

18
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,048
<i>♪ That's a fact ♪</i>

19
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:34,511
<i>♪ Now, it's time to relax ♪</i>

20
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:39,849
<i>♪ At Palm Sunshine. ♪</i>

21
00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:14,092
It's The Shins.

22
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Ah, they're terrific. Very emo.

23
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That's really amazing!

24
00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,057
You're, like,
only nine years behind in the times.

25
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I've always been hip.
You know that, Jeannie.

26
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You know,
hip people don't say that they're hip.

27
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,814
What am I supposed to listen to?
Lawrence Welk?

28
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:30,900
You love Lawrence Welk!
You fall asleep to him almost every night.

29
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Did you watch the video?

30
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The video?

31
00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:40,702
Yeah, the DVD. Palm Sunshine?

32
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,204
Oh, you retire from the post office,
not from show business.

33
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- You did.
- No, I didn't!

34
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All my acts died on me, except Max Becker.
At least he's still alive.

35
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,881
Doesn't Max Becker have a new manager?

36
00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,885
Yeah, but you never know.
He might drop him.

37
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,888
- Thank you!
- Chicken salad.

38
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- Pastrami.
- We need pickles, the good kind.

39
00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:11,691
What's on your head?

40
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Is that make-up?

41
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,446
Grandpa, you fell again?

42
00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:20,867
I did not fall. I was already down
and please don't use the word "again."

43
00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,120
Shecky Greene.

44
00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:27,040
You know how many people my age
know who that is? None!

45
00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:31,544
Bob Hope, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor,
all the Jacks and the Jackies.

46
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,047
What, you got Skinny Jack, Fat Jack,
Jack Benny,

47
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:37,008
Jackie Gleason, Jack Carter, Jackie Mason,
One-Eyed Jack...

48
00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:41,262
You know? You put so much shit in my head
and I kind of love you for it.

49
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:43,890
Kind of?

50
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,226
Look, maybe...

51
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,437
Well, there was that time with the...

52
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,691
- the stove and then there's...
- What do you want from me, Jeannie?

53
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,404
I don't want you to be alone.

54
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:02,617
<i>Happy days and a pleasant good night.</i>

55
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:08,957
<i>Are you a catheter user?</i>

56
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,042
<i>What if your catheter could hide
in plain sight?</i>

57
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:14,128
<i>I turned 60 this year and I'm not...
Don't.</i>

58
00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:17,257
<i>No need to applaud.</i>

59
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,384
<i>"Gee, he's really in tremendous shape.</i>

60
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:22,011
<i>I bet he's on a high fibre diet."</i>

61
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:26,224
<i>I had an oat muffin ten years ago
and I'm still shitting because of it.</i>

62
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:30,811
<i>I'm a manager.</i>

63
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:34,941
Mostly, I manage comedians,
like Arty Wise.

64
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:36,859
Huh.

65
00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:38,194
You a fan?

66
00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:39,988
No, I don't know who that is.

67
00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:45,201
Oh, well, everyone probably older
than you knows Arty Wise.

68
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,370
You'd know him if you saw him.

69
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,998
But you won't see him 'cause he's dead.

70
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,042
Dead and gone.

71
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:54,585
I'm sorry to hear that.

72
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,713
I'm Al Hart.

73
00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:58,422
Hello?

74
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,969
No, I'm free. Perfect timing, yeah!

75
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:07,348
Hi, sweetheart.

76
00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:09,766
How are you?

77
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:10,893
Keeping busy?

78
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:16,941
I could really use your advice, Lois.

79
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:19,652
I'm a little lost.

80
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:22,739
How about a sign?

81
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:24,824
No rain, though.

82
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:26,909
I walked here.

83
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,417
What am I supposed to do, darling?

84
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:47,764
<i>♪ You worked hard ♪</i>

85
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,433
<i>♪ That's a fact ♪</i>

86
00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,394
<i>♪ Now, it's time to relax... ♪</i>

87
00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:57,899
I really wish you guys
could stay for dinner.

88
00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:01,027
- Wednesday is Lasagna Night.
- Lasagna Night?

89
00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:02,987
- Yes! Mr Hart...
- Yes?

90
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,114
I think that once you see the campus,

91
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,116
- you'll be very impressed.
- I hope so.

92
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,703
And what better way
to show you the grounds of Palm Sunshine

93
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:13,289
than to have one of our residents
give you a tour?

94
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:22,256
Did somebody call for a tour guide?

95
00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:29,055
Come on, I don't have all day.

96
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:33,893
How long you been married?

97
00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:36,604
Oh, no, this is my grandpa.

98
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,689
Yeah, I don't care.

99
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,110
No! Grandpa, come on.

100
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:44,362
- Just...
- No, let's get out of here.

101
00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:46,864
No, we'll just... A couple of minutes.

102
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,249
Go-go dancers.

103
00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:57,959
Go on, check it out!

104
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:02,046
- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Okay.

105
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:14,809
This is the mess hall.

106
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,186
A potato a day

107
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:20,565
and soup... made from rocks!

108
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:21,815
It's horrible!

109
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,862
But never, ever ask for more

110
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,239
or they'll put you in the Box.

111
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:29,449
The what?

112
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,160
The Box! People die in the Box!

113
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,953
Don't let them put me in the Box...

114
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:36,164
- I had no intention of...
- You gotta help me!

115
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:37,247
You gotta help me!

116
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,418
Please, just help me
get a message to my son!

117
00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:42,670
Please!

118
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,548
I don't want to do Ed Sullivan.

119
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:58,269
Buddy?

120
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,145
Buddy Green?

121
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,106
Al Hart!

122
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,567
I don't believe this!

123
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,279
- I...
- I got him good!

124
00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:11,282
Got me good.
You know, you son of a bitch, you got old.

125
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,343
- Me?
- That's how I didn't recognize you.

126
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:16,007
- You look like a mummy.
- How did you know I was even coming here?

127
00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:17,538
I'm the welcoming committee.

128
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:19,665
I saw your name on the list.

129
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,460
Come on.

130
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:25,171
What a surprise!

131
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,758
This place is terrific and I mean it,

132
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:32,845
and I was the most skeptical of all
when I first moved in here.

133
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:36,641
But my son, he just...

134
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,435
He just talked me into it, you know?

135
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:44,524
It doesn't bother you,
being around so many old people?

136
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:45,858
Oh... no...

137
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,985
Never use the O word.

138
00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:49,986
It's very offensive.

139
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,491
The politically correct term is pre-dead.

140
00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:00,373
Buddy Green!
I never thought I'd see you again.

141
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:02,291
I know.

142
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,876
So, what happened?

143
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,920
Buddy was my first client ever.

144
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,256
He was one of the funniest up-and-comers.

145
00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:09,339
I booked him everywhere.

146
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:13,302
Then we were doing two weeks
at the Elegante,

147
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,845
opening for Al Martino.

148
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:17,265
Jerry Vale, and it was the Copa.

149
00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:18,432
No.

150
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:22,019
I specifically remember
it was Martino at the Elegante.

151
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:26,148
It was my show and it was Jerry Vale
and it was at the Copa.

152
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,568
You never played the Copa!
I was your manager.

153
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,112
- I should know.
- You are out of your mind!

154
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,613
- No...
- Guys, jeez! Okay.

155
00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:34,615
What happened?

156
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,243
- I get the call.
- From Ed Sullivan?

157
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:38,828
It's every comic's dream.

158
00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:42,039
It was 1967.

159
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:44,000
Last time I saw him.

160
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:48,337
So... you didn't do Ed Sullivan?

161
00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,757
What did you end up doing?

162
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,384
I became a podiatrist.

163
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,387
You gave up show business for feet?

164
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:59,307
Yep. I had the biggest practice
in Beverley Hills...

165
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:00,600
where nobody walks.

166
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:06,689
But your grandfather
was a hell of a manager.

167
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:09,191
- I wasn't that good.
- He was a hell of a lousy manager,

168
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,736
- but he had a way with people.
- I've never liked people.

169
00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:14,256
- He never liked people, but he liked me.
- I never liked you.

170
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,200
He never liked me, per se,
but he liked children.

171
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,659
- Not your children.
- Well, my children were terrible.

172
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:19,619
My son was a moron.

173
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,287
Can't even remember his own name!

174
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:23,998
This is his bit!

175
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,084
A guy who would keep
on changing his opinion.

176
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:28,586
I called it <i>The Agent.</i>

177
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:31,839
Al Hart!

178
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:34,091
It's a hell of a surprise.

179
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:36,927
So, what do you think?

180
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,017
How are the chicks?

181
00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:45,895
Old and horny.

182
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,107
So, what do you think?

183
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,274
Not bad.

184
00:11:32,566 --> 00:11:35,027
Best part of it is,
you don't gotta tip anybody.

185
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,540
Come on,
we're gonna go get some good seats.

186
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,221
They're twins.

187
00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:04,264
Ah.

188
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,230
I gotta sit.

189
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,865
You know, I used to think that...

190
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:24,744
that running a marathon was... tiring.

191
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,496
Now, it's standing up for ten minutes.

192
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,708
Buddy, you coming?

193
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:34,628
Uhh... Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

194
00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:37,006
Okay? All right, I'll be there.

195
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,968
- Who's that?
- Nobody.

196
00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:42,219
Buddy...

197
00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:44,263
Your girlfriend?
You have a girlfriend?

198
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,433
Well... the cocktail lounge is still open.

199
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,935
Go get yourself a drink and...

200
00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:52,396
and then I'll meet you in the morning,
okay?

201
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,567
Does this ever happen to you,
that when you stand up,

202
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:59,487
you have to pretend
to be looking at something

203
00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:02,048
- before you get your balance back?
- I don't have all night!

204
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:03,407
That's your girlfriend, isn't it?

205
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,491
No!

206
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:06,034
No.

207
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:07,744
- Buddy?
- It's a friend.

208
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,455
I think she's waiting.

209
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,290
Your mom.

210
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:13,459
- Yeah.
- Now is the time, Buddy.

211
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:17,087
You know, the nice thing about this place

212
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,891
is that you don't have
to eat anyone's shit.

213
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:45,407
Did you hear the one
about the guy who goes to the doctor,

214
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,785
he says, "Doctor, I pee non-stop.

215
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:50,162
I can't help it, I just keep peeing.
What shall I do?"

216
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:54,959
The doctor says, "First thing you have
to do is get off my rug."

217
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,253
Okay.

218
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,297
By the way, I got a new shipment.

219
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:02,258
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, from Canada.

220
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,969
- All right.
- A place called Viagra Falls.

221
00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:07,429
Are you telling me you can still...

222
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:08,597
Like <i>this.</i>

223
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,684
Well, sometimes it's like this.

224
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,895
But Cialis or Viagra, sometimes both...

225
00:14:15,479 --> 00:14:18,399
Doc Ron here, he's my pusher.

226
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:21,277
If you ever need a hard-on,
this is my card.

227
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,118
Thank you. Thank you so much, Ron.

228
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:32,079
Get about a 10-, 15-minute semi.

229
00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:33,789
I'm okay with a semi.

230
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:35,249
Can you still come?

231
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:36,876
- Can you still...
- Yes.

232
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,669
Excuse me - orgasm. Yeah?

233
00:14:38,836 --> 00:14:40,754
If you count... dust.

234
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,716
That's terrible!

235
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,343
The last time that my wife got frisky,

236
00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:52,349
we were in bed and she starts
stroking my chest and my stomach

237
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,728
and she slid her hand lower under my ass

238
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:58,105
and, all of a sudden, she stops

239
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,482
and I'm like, "Why are you stopping?"

240
00:15:00,816 --> 00:15:03,569
And she says, "I found the remote."

241
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,207
You guys hear about Katz?

242
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:19,752
- Murray Katz?
- Stroke.

243
00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:22,922
Yeah, they ran him down
to Cedars this morning.

244
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,883
- How is he?
- I'm gonna guess... not good.

245
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,552
- And Darlene Lipshaw.
- The tango dancer?

246
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,512
She's a good dancer.

247
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:31,764
Well, she <i>was.</i>

248
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,933
Fell in the shower, broke her hip.

249
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:35,559
Anything else?

250
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,811
And her nose.

251
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:41,273
Well, I want to thank you
for bringing us the good news.

252
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,867
That was Johnny Sunshine.

253
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,638
Not good.

254
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:58,600
Hear about Saul Fischer?
He won $5 at canasta,

255
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,228
went to bed, woke up dead.

256
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,188
Marty Freeman had a knee replacement.

257
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:06,108
And then they found a tumor on his spine.

258
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,234
That it?

259
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,820
That's not enough for you?

260
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:08,087
You know, I don’t think I ever knew
that you play the piano.

261
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,219
I'm not there yet, Buddy.

262
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:27,564
It's... a new season.

263
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:29,858
Embrace it.

264
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:42,121
George Burns. He was 100 years old.
He never retired.

265
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,833
Rickles. He couldn’t walk,
but he was still killing ’em.

266
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:48,127
I'd rather go down working.

267
00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:52,881
You're not working.

268
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:03,225
Do you have any idea how hot
old comedians are right now?

269
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:04,559
What?

270
00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:07,521
There’s a lot of love for the old-timers.

271
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,569
- Are you smoking grass?
- Mmhmm.

272
00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:17,364
- I have a card.
- Since when do you smoke pot?

273
00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:22,536
Since 1965, when The Beatles started.

274
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,955
A pot-smoking podiatrist.

275
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,836
- Want some?
- Not my thing.

276
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:32,880
You never tried it, did you?

277
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,135
Of course I've tried it!

278
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:41,226
- It's just not my thing.
- You never tried it.

279
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,639
- I tried it.
- You never tried it.

280
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:47,394
Oh, God,
you're the most tragically unhip person.

281
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,814
- Like you're hip!
- I am. I am pretty hip.

282
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,150
Hip people do not say they're hip.

283
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:56,617
And just because I don't act
like a jazz musician doesn't mean I'm not.

284
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:58,280
Jazz musician?

285
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,532
That's your frame of reference?

286
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:05,412
That is the most unhip statement
I have ever heard.

287
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:12,169
Look... can we just talk about this,
just hypothetically?

288
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:14,755
Talk about what?

289
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,635
Are you telling me you don't miss it?

290
00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:22,179
You could have been big.

291
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:23,888
I am big.

292
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:25,849
It's the jokes that got small.

293
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:28,352
You see? That's funny.

294
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,481
I'm a funny guy, you know?
I used to crack up my patients.

295
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,360
- You had a gift.
- I was just another comic.

296
00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:37,778
I barely had an act.

297
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:41,365
You... had a personality and you still do.

298
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,659
And, by the way, you're in great shape.

299
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:48,580
I retired, Al, 50 years ago!

300
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,916
What a great comeback story!

301
00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:54,086
Yeah, from bunions to Broadway!

302
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:58,840
See, you just can't help but be funny.

303
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,425
I'm a funny guy, okay!

304
00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:04,263
Why not let me get you a few gigs?
Just a few, test the waters.

305
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:08,392
Because I'm not a comedian, Al.
I'm not!

306
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:09,977
Not any more.

307
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,853
Come on, what do you have to lose?

308
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,774
Buddy?

309
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,821
Go slip her that mushy semi.

310
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:41,758
Oh, boy, here we go!

311
00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:44,428
Here comes the Doomsday report.

312
00:21:44,594 --> 00:21:46,305
- Did you hear about Buddy?
- Huh?

313
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:48,140
Did you hear about Buddy?

314
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:51,393
- How is he?
- Not good.

315
00:22:12,247 --> 00:22:13,498
Jesus, Buddy.

316
00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:18,378
Her name was Gayle Johnson and...

317
00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:21,006
she was wonderful.

318
00:22:22,132 --> 00:22:25,135
We fell asleep watching <i>Law and Order.</i>

319
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:29,931
She never woke up.

320
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,936
I am so sorry.

321
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:37,856
Couldn't take losing
another woman I loved.

322
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:40,525
So...

323
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,196
I pretended I didn't love her.

324
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:50,077
Would it have killed me
to say that I loved her?

325
00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:53,038
I'm sure she knew.

326
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:57,209
She was the only thing
that made this place... bearable.

327
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:58,752
That's not true.

328
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:00,253
You love it here.

329
00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:01,338
I hate it.

330
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,592
What about all the shows...

331
00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:08,345
Tone deaf singers and puppet shows.

332
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:14,768
I'm really not ready to die.

333
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:16,978
You're not gonna die.

334
00:23:24,277 --> 00:23:25,277
Let's do it.

335
00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:28,031
Just like in the old days.

336
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:31,284
Let's get out of here and put me to work.

337
00:23:35,872 --> 00:23:37,082
Are you serious?

338
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,503
I'm serious as cancer.

339
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,901
I'm gonna book you in Vegas.

340
00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:07,446
We'll play Chicago and New York and...

341
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,867
Buddy, I'm gonna book you
on the fucking Tonight Show.

342
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,092
I got doughnuts and coffee.

343
00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:31,336
- Did you tell your son?
- You call your granddaughter?

344
00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:36,433
Okay, hit it!

345
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:47,068
$10 they won’t make it to Glendale.

346
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:02,626
So, do you even have an act?

347
00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:04,878
I never had an act.

348
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:06,963
I got 50 years of jokes.

349
00:25:15,764 --> 00:25:19,226
Uhh.. Woah... You missed the exit!

350
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:21,853
Aren't we going to Vegas?

351
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:25,440
- Practically.
- What do you mean, "practically"?

352
00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:28,276
Vegas is oversaturated.
I got us something better.

353
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:32,030
You couldn't book me in Vegas.

354
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:33,532
Of course I could.

355
00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:35,951
It's your first gig in a long time.

356
00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:38,828
Let's stay under the radar
while you get your chops back.

357
00:25:38,912 --> 00:25:41,206
So, where am I playing?

358
00:25:41,581 --> 00:25:42,958
It's a little off-Strip.

359
00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:45,710
Look at that - practically Vegas.

360
00:25:46,336 --> 00:25:48,338
You are out of your mind.

361
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:52,133
Oh, I need some mascara.

362
00:25:53,093 --> 00:25:54,093
What?

363
00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:56,096
You know, some mascara.

364
00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:00,642
Hi there. We're playing the Kickapoo Room.

365
00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:02,894
Do I check in here?

366
00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:06,481
Kickapoo Room? That's at the Palace,
about a mile down the road.

367
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:10,681
- It's about a mile...
- I heard.

368
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:13,613
It's called paying your dues.

369
00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:16,533
<i>Am I the only one
that gets a rush of adrenaline</i>

370
00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:19,536
when the radio DJ cuts his dismount

371
00:26:19,619 --> 00:26:22,080
a little too close
to the song's beginning?

372
00:26:22,163 --> 00:26:24,833
"You're listening to 90.1 The Patch

373
00:26:24,916 --> 00:26:27,794
and we're having
such a smooth time here today."

374
00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:29,796
You gotta get out of there, Mike!

375
00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:33,008
Tracey Chapman's nipping at your heels,
buddy!

376
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:34,634
Show us your tits, sweetie.

377
00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:39,973
I went to theater school
and I caught the bug in high school

378
00:26:40,056 --> 00:26:42,809
and by "the bug,"
I mean narcissistic personality disorder.

379
00:26:42,892 --> 00:26:44,894
- But...
- No, you mean AIDS.

380
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:46,730
Oh, for the love of God!

381
00:26:47,355 --> 00:26:49,649
I bet you can fit that microphone
in your mouth, boy.

382
00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:52,485
- You nervous?
- No!

383
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:54,946
What have I got to be nervous about?

384
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,366
- Hey, I found mascara.
- Oh, that's great!

385
00:26:58,450 --> 00:26:59,451
Great!

386
00:27:00,535 --> 00:27:01,535
What's it for?

387
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,122
I told you - don't ask.

388
00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:08,001
I don't think I can connect with you.

389
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,754
I think in order to connect,
I'd have to unread a lot of things.

390
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:16,468
All right! Well, I'm gonna go
wade into a river Virginia Woolf-style.

391
00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:19,054
Good luck at your next book burning, sir.
Thank you so much.

392
00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:20,555
I've been Paula Poundstone.

393
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:23,400
Have a great night and give it up
for your next poor son of a bitch...

394
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:25,769
Buddy Green!

395
00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:30,440
It’s not worth it.
Just get in your car and keep driving.

396
00:27:49,209 --> 00:27:50,210
Thank you.

397
00:27:52,504 --> 00:27:54,422
Oh, wow!

398
00:27:57,717 --> 00:27:58,968
Okay.

399
00:28:00,637 --> 00:28:02,055
Here's the deal.

400
00:28:02,138 --> 00:28:06,267
I have not been on a stage in about...

401
00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:09,396
50 years.

402
00:28:10,897 --> 00:28:12,023
No joke!

403
00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:15,527
I used to do this for a living

404
00:28:15,610 --> 00:28:19,531
and I just decided to come back
and do it for the laughs.

405
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:20,864
No one's laughing!

406
00:28:27,747 --> 00:28:31,418
Okay.
So, I've been getting into online dating

407
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:38,425
and I actually found
a really nice gal online...

408
00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:40,802
at the Souplantation.

409
00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:47,058
'Cause old people like to eat soup.

410
00:28:47,308 --> 00:28:48,768
Ha Ha.

411
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:56,776
I am getting old.

412
00:28:57,152 --> 00:28:58,319
So is your act.

413
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:01,990
It was nice of the meth lab
to let you out to see the show.

414
00:29:05,702 --> 00:29:07,036
And, by the way, nice mullet.

415
00:29:09,664 --> 00:29:11,040
Who does your hair? NASCAR?

416
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:16,713
All right, I should leave him alone.

417
00:29:17,797 --> 00:29:19,924
Poor guy hasn't gotten laid
since he made parole.

418
00:29:22,886 --> 00:29:26,639
And I can talk.
I haven't had sex since Watergate.

419
00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:29,267
I'm just kidding.

420
00:29:29,726 --> 00:29:30,977
My wife loved sex, though.

421
00:29:32,061 --> 00:29:34,773
Her favorite position
was the missionary position.

422
00:29:34,939 --> 00:29:37,609
That's where she's in bed, on her back

423
00:29:37,984 --> 00:29:39,068
and I'm in Africa.

424
00:29:51,539 --> 00:29:52,539
You were a hit!

425
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:54,876
I pummeled at the Palace.

426
00:29:55,084 --> 00:29:57,086
I was the Rickles of the reservation.

427
00:29:57,170 --> 00:29:58,963
This is great. You know,

428
00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:01,382
we're cutting our teeth
on these little podunk towns,

429
00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:03,343
but by the time we get to New York City,

430
00:30:03,802 --> 00:30:04,928
you're gonna be in top form.

431
00:30:05,011 --> 00:30:08,598
Hey, have you heard
from Carson's people yet?

432
00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:10,725
Buddy, you're two hosts behind.

433
00:30:12,811 --> 00:30:14,479
- Fallon.
- We're trading calls.

434
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:16,981
It's Vic Lardo.

435
00:30:18,358 --> 00:30:19,558
He used to book for Letterman.

436
00:30:20,151 --> 00:30:24,614
An old friend. He owes me big-time,
you know, so...

437
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,826
Anyway, they know the situation
and they're interested.

438
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:29,285
Beyond interested.

439
00:30:31,996 --> 00:30:33,873
Just trying to figure out the dates.

440
00:30:34,457 --> 00:30:36,835
Boy, that would be great.

441
00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:43,716
You're a real pothead, aren't you?

442
00:30:44,676 --> 00:30:45,676
It's medicine.

443
00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:47,971
It helps me relax.

444
00:30:49,639 --> 00:30:52,600
So, where in San Diego are we playing?

445
00:30:53,977 --> 00:30:56,896
It's a little south of the city.

446
00:30:57,188 --> 00:30:58,690
A great club.

447
00:31:01,317 --> 00:31:02,652
You call your granddaughter?

448
00:31:04,821 --> 00:31:06,781
No, I'll call her tomorrow. I'm tired.

449
00:31:07,615 --> 00:31:08,616
You call your son?

450
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:10,743
No, not yet.

451
00:31:12,078 --> 00:31:13,955
I'll call him tomorrow. I'm too tired.

452
00:31:17,917 --> 00:31:18,917
Hey, Al?

453
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:20,628
Yeah, Buddy?

454
00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:24,214
Thanks.

455
00:31:32,473 --> 00:31:33,766
It's what I do.

456
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:44,235
You know, I met Arty Wise once
in the Catskills.

457
00:31:44,569 --> 00:31:45,945
He gave me a compliment.

458
00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:47,363
He liked your act?

459
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:48,615
No, he liked my suit.

460
00:31:49,157 --> 00:31:50,992
He didn't say anything about my act!

461
00:31:52,619 --> 00:31:55,371
Oh, man. He was my last client.

462
00:31:56,789 --> 00:32:00,293
He retired at the peak of his career.
You know, I still get calls for him.

463
00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:03,755
Oh, that must have really pissed you off
when he retired.

464
00:32:04,339 --> 00:32:05,965
Ah, not at all, really.

465
00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:09,469
You know what your problem is?

466
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:15,016
- Never trust a guy who starts with that.
- You are filled with resentment.

467
00:32:15,099 --> 00:32:16,142
All built-up...

468
00:32:16,225 --> 00:32:18,728
I am being psychoanalyzed
by a foot doctor.

469
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:22,649
Like one of those cans of peanut brittle
with the snakes all scrunched up inside.

470
00:32:22,732 --> 00:32:24,692
Someone comes up
and asks for some peanut brittle,

471
00:32:24,817 --> 00:32:27,695
and they open it up
and Al snakes everywhere.

472
00:32:28,237 --> 00:32:30,156
I don’t know
what the fuck you’re talking about.

473
00:32:32,575 --> 00:32:33,576
Anyway...

474
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,913
you ever notice how old people eat,
you know?

475
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:37,996
No.

476
00:32:39,457 --> 00:32:41,125
No, wait, it's more like this.

477
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:44,921
That's exactly...
That's right. It's like this.

478
00:32:56,933 --> 00:32:57,933
Hello!

479
00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:04,691
You know,
we passed San Diego 20 minutes ago.

480
00:33:04,774 --> 00:33:06,109
Where is this club?

481
00:33:06,192 --> 00:33:07,652
Just a little south of here.

482
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:18,621
This is Tijuana.

483
00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:19,872
It's a tourist town.

484
00:33:19,956 --> 00:33:23,459
- It's Tijuana!
- You don't think they have nightclubs?

485
00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:25,628
I know they have nightclubs in Tijuana!

486
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:29,799
I saw a broad fuck a <i>burro</i> once
in a nightclub in Tijuana.

487
00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:32,969
There's no <i>burro </i>fucking in this,
I promise.

488
00:33:33,469 --> 00:33:34,469
It's legit, seriously.

489
00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:37,473
Legit! Do you read a newspaper?

490
00:33:37,557 --> 00:33:40,018
Tijuana is practically
a suburb of San Diego.

491
00:33:41,185 --> 00:33:44,105
My son lives in the suburbs, okay?

492
00:33:44,188 --> 00:33:46,774
In the suburbs, they have Olive Gardens!

493
00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:09,297
Thank you. It's great to be here.

494
00:34:13,342 --> 00:34:18,181
I actually live
in the Los Angeles section of Mexico.

495
00:34:26,105 --> 00:34:28,649
He got that laugh.
I didn't get that laugh. Wait a minute.

496
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:32,987
All right, listen, thank you very much.

497
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:34,906
I think I can do this by myself.

498
00:34:34,989 --> 00:34:36,365
Okay? I appreciate it.

499
00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:43,331
See? We understand each other.

500
00:34:43,998 --> 00:34:45,792
We have a lot in common.

501
00:34:46,834 --> 00:34:49,128
I grew up in a bad neighborhood, too.

502
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,759
South side of Chicago.
Very tough neighborhood.

503
00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:56,511
But like Tijuana,

504
00:34:56,803 --> 00:34:59,222
it's a really wonderful place
to grow up...

505
00:34:59,847 --> 00:35:00,847
if you're a bullet.

506
00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:06,854
Things are getting pretty bad
for you guys up in the States.

507
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:10,441
<i>I smoke marijuana
and my dealer is Mexican.</i>

508
00:35:10,525 --> 00:35:13,361
<i>I called him the other day
and he brought a couple of ounces of weed</i>

509
00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:16,489
<i>and I asked him if he had any papers
and he ran away!</i>

510
00:35:22,245 --> 00:35:23,245
You did it again!

511
00:35:24,330 --> 00:35:26,499
In Tijuana! Who'd-a-thunk?

512
00:35:26,582 --> 00:35:28,292
I know! It's like...

513
00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:30,878
Hey, Americans!

514
00:35:31,337 --> 00:35:35,424
Hey, where do you go
to have a good time in this town?

515
00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:39,679
Don't we get a telephone call?

516
00:35:49,272 --> 00:35:51,023
We've got a sick man here.

517
00:35:51,899 --> 00:35:53,025
How are you doing, Buddy?

518
00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:56,571
You never drink the water.
Everyone knows that.

519
00:35:58,739 --> 00:35:59,739
What?

520
00:35:59,782 --> 00:36:01,117
<i>Soborno.</i>

521
00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:03,161
What's <i>soborno?</i>

522
00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:04,327
Bribe.

523
00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:06,788
Nationality?

524
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:09,792
What do you think?

525
00:36:51,918 --> 00:36:53,002
You drink the Pepto?

526
00:36:54,253 --> 00:36:55,796
Yeah.

527
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:56,880
That's good.

528
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,424
I just need sleep.

529
00:36:58,674 --> 00:37:00,593
You'll sleep well tonight in Tucson.

530
00:37:02,845 --> 00:37:03,846
You can do it.

531
00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:07,390
Okay.

532
00:37:08,809 --> 00:37:10,144
- Okay.
- Great.

533
00:37:12,563 --> 00:37:13,563
Let's ride!

534
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:33,834
<i>All the way from Los Angeles,</i>

535
00:37:33,918 --> 00:37:37,004
let's give a big hand for Buddy Green!

536
00:37:42,468 --> 00:37:43,468
Hi.

537
00:37:44,178 --> 00:37:46,180
Well, there go my Asian jokes.

538
00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:49,934
But I'm gonna tell you,
I don't like ethnic jokes.

539
00:37:50,059 --> 00:37:52,311
I really don't. Now, there is a fine line.

540
00:37:52,395 --> 00:37:55,189
For instance, when I first came up here,
I'll tell you,

541
00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:57,024
and I don't think this is racist,

542
00:37:57,650 --> 00:37:59,568
when I first came up here,
I looked out at you

543
00:37:59,652 --> 00:38:00,695
and I got a little hungry.

544
00:38:33,352 --> 00:38:36,063
Vic! Calling you from sunny Tucson.

545
00:38:37,189 --> 00:38:38,649
Yeah, beautiful town.

546
00:38:40,067 --> 00:38:41,861
Oh, yeah,
they’re taking great care of us.

547
00:38:41,944 --> 00:38:43,070
Beautiful hotels!

548
00:38:46,032 --> 00:38:48,034
Yeah, slowly but surely.

549
00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:50,703
We'll be in Chicago by next Friday.

550
00:38:53,372 --> 00:38:55,207
Oh, the response has been terrific.

551
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:58,711
Well, I mean, it's a great story.

552
00:38:58,794 --> 00:39:00,504
You'd be crazy not to jump on it.

553
00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:04,633
Oh, I really appreciate it, Vic.
I'm gonna owe you big-time.

554
00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:11,515
Oh, so we're looking at
about another ten days on the road.

555
00:39:14,518 --> 00:39:16,979
Sure. Are you kidding?
Those dates would be perfect.

556
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:21,025
Did you talk to Fallon directly?

557
00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:23,860
Oh.

558
00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:25,780
No, of course not, yeah.

559
00:39:27,031 --> 00:39:29,158
But you told them the whole story,
right?

560
00:39:30,993 --> 00:39:32,536
Well, they've got to be moved.

561
00:39:34,163 --> 00:39:37,083
Yeah. Yes, it's a hell of a story, Vic.

562
00:40:04,026 --> 00:40:05,945
- What?
- Oh, no!

563
00:40:06,028 --> 00:40:07,028
What...

564
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:08,071
Holy shit!

565
00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:09,532
What did you do?

566
00:40:09,615 --> 00:40:10,866
Doing this stuff again!

567
00:40:13,202 --> 00:40:14,202
Oh, God!

568
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:15,870
I... You...

569
00:40:17,873 --> 00:40:19,834
It's okay. They're gonna... There he goes.

570
00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:22,420
We're good.

571
00:40:22,586 --> 00:40:25,506
You just threw away an ounce
of top-shelf indica.

572
00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:52,700
Hey!

573
00:40:53,325 --> 00:40:54,952
What? What happened?

574
00:40:56,036 --> 00:40:57,037
You fell asleep.

575
00:40:59,623 --> 00:41:00,624
What time is it?

576
00:41:07,006 --> 00:41:08,883
Let me ask you a question.

577
00:41:10,426 --> 00:41:13,179
Is it gonna be like this
all the way to New York?

578
00:41:13,262 --> 00:41:14,930
Because I need some rest.

579
00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:17,057
Okay. We have Lubbock tonight,

580
00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,226
and then you’ll have the whole day
to rest in Kansas.

581
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:22,062
Ooh, a whole day! Ooh, in Kansas!

582
00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:25,649
You know,
you've been very irritable since Tijuana.

583
00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:29,487
It's one state over!

584
00:41:29,570 --> 00:41:31,197
It's completely out of the way.

585
00:41:31,489 --> 00:41:34,450
Now, I can't score weed in Texas.

586
00:41:34,533 --> 00:41:36,994
It's a police state.
I gotta go to Colorado.

587
00:41:37,077 --> 00:41:39,788
Willie Nelson doesn't have a problem
scoring in Texas.

588
00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:41,207
Willie Nelson gets a day off!

589
00:41:41,290 --> 00:41:43,292
Willie Nelson tours all the time.

590
00:41:43,417 --> 00:41:44,585
I've got news for you.

591
00:41:44,710 --> 00:41:46,086
This is not a tour.

592
00:41:46,795 --> 00:41:48,088
This is a death march.

593
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:51,300
- I need my weed, Al.
- Okay!

594
00:41:51,842 --> 00:41:53,552
I will buy pot for you.

595
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:56,138
I will buy you a brick of Maui Whoopee.

596
00:41:57,181 --> 00:42:00,643
Would you just stop eating
those fucking potato chips?

597
00:42:02,102 --> 00:42:03,229
Thank you, Al.

598
00:42:06,357 --> 00:42:07,942
<i>All right, ladies and gentlemen.</i>

599
00:42:08,025 --> 00:42:12,863
This next comic has got me all excited.

600
00:42:12,947 --> 00:42:15,616
So, let's give
a great big old Lubbock, Texas welcome

601
00:42:15,741 --> 00:42:18,536
for Mr Buddy Greenberg!

602
00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:20,621
Show 'em what you got!

603
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:24,959
It's Buddy Green.

604
00:42:25,501 --> 00:42:26,627
Drop the "berg."

605
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:36,011
Evening, fellas!

606
00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:37,471
You boys from around here?

607
00:42:38,055 --> 00:42:39,723
Al Hart, from Los Angeles.

608
00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:43,310
Would any of you gentlemen know
where I could procure...

609
00:42:43,644 --> 00:42:46,564
you know, a small amount of marijuana?

610
00:42:46,647 --> 00:42:49,066
<i>The last time that I was in Texas,</i>

611
00:42:49,149 --> 00:42:53,320
the men brought their horses
in and left their wives tied up outside.

612
00:43:04,081 --> 00:43:06,458
Hey! What's up?

613
00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:08,669
How's it hanging?

614
00:43:08,752 --> 00:43:12,423
Listen,
you look like some pretty cool dudes.

615
00:43:12,506 --> 00:43:16,927
I'm just looking to score
a little bit of Mary Jane,

616
00:43:17,011 --> 00:43:18,470
you know, some wacky weed.

617
00:43:20,180 --> 00:43:21,180
Pot.

618
00:43:21,473 --> 00:43:22,473
Well?

619
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:24,726
And stay in school!

620
00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:27,271
<i>I think Texas gets a bad rap.</i>

621
00:43:27,563 --> 00:43:29,398
I'm always defending Texas.

622
00:43:29,481 --> 00:43:34,570
I mean, I don"t think that you guys
would just execute any black person.

623
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:09,271
Did you hear about the cowboy
who wore brown paper bags for clothing?

624
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:11,440
He got picked up for rustling.

625
00:44:22,534 --> 00:44:25,245
- Maybe this'll cheer you up.
- Oww.

626
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:26,664
- What?
- Sorry.

627
00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:28,707
Are you kidding?

628
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:32,294
Where'd you get this?

629
00:44:33,712 --> 00:44:35,798
I got it from a jazz musician.

630
00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:38,133
Yeah, right!

631
00:44:39,968 --> 00:44:40,968
Thanks.

632
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:42,429
- Thanks, man.
- Wait a minute.

633
00:44:43,389 --> 00:44:44,389
It's Jeannie.

634
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:45,640
Your granddaughter.

635
00:44:47,768 --> 00:44:49,770
- What do I do?
- Answer it.

636
00:44:51,188 --> 00:44:52,314
Isn't it a little late?

637
00:44:52,398 --> 00:44:54,483
It's true. That's true. It's very late.

638
00:44:54,566 --> 00:44:57,027
- It's too late to be calling.
- What if it's an emergency?

639
00:44:57,111 --> 00:44:59,738
You're the only emergency possible
and you're alive.

640
00:44:59,822 --> 00:45:01,824
Yep. She can leave a message.

641
00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:05,661
Well, I got a good feeling about Kansas.

642
00:45:08,288 --> 00:45:11,291
Hey, Buddy... I never asked you.

643
00:45:13,627 --> 00:45:14,753
Why did you quit?

644
00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:18,548
Well...

645
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:20,968
I had a house in the Hills.

646
00:45:21,927 --> 00:45:25,097
I had a swimming pool.
I had a brand-new Jaguar every two years.

647
00:45:25,389 --> 00:45:27,808
I had a wife, who gave me a son,

648
00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:30,185
who gave me three grandchildren.

649
00:45:31,019 --> 00:45:33,856
So, what the fuck did I quit?

650
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:45,594
<i>"There were only three things standing
between me and Yasgur's Farm that summer.</i>

651
00:46:45,677 --> 00:46:48,806
<i>Two of those hurdles
were not having a car or money.</i>

652
00:46:49,389 --> 00:46:53,310
<i>That wouldn’t stop me
from seeing Janis Joplin at Woodstock.</i>

653
00:46:53,393 --> 00:46:57,272
<i>It was the third obstacle
that was the most difficult.</i>

654
00:46:58,190 --> 00:46:59,483
<i>I was 12.</i>

655
00:47:01,151 --> 00:47:03,529
So, this girl from Overland Park

656
00:47:03,612 --> 00:47:05,823
did what any typical seventh grader
would do.

657
00:47:05,906 --> 00:47:07,282
She tried to hitchhike.

658
00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:11,119
My thumb was out no more than five minutes
before the car pulled up,

659
00:47:11,203 --> 00:47:15,123
which was a 1965 Buick Special.

660
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:20,170
Coincidentally, the same car
that my father drove,

661
00:47:20,254 --> 00:47:24,633
which wasn't really a coincidence
because it was my father.

662
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,428
I never made it to Woodstock

663
00:47:28,512 --> 00:47:32,474
and I spent those last days of summer
locked in my bedroom,

664
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:37,145
dreaming of Janis,
who would be dead the following year."

665
00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:40,983
Well, that's the end of the chapter.

666
00:47:42,985 --> 00:47:44,152
Thank you.

667
00:47:52,411 --> 00:47:54,413
Oh, thank you!

668
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:03,672
Oh, that's so sweet! Thank you.

669
00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:21,023
- Hi.
- Hi.

670
00:48:21,106 --> 00:48:23,150
- MInd if I...
- Please.

671
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:31,074
I liked your reading.

672
00:48:31,158 --> 00:48:35,287
Oh, thanks. It's a work in progress,
like my life.

673
00:48:36,622 --> 00:48:39,291
I'm Al, by the way.
Al Hart from Los Angeles.

674
00:48:39,625 --> 00:48:41,919
- Doris Lovejoy from...
- Overland Park?

675
00:48:42,002 --> 00:48:43,211
- Yeah!
- Lovejoy...

676
00:48:43,295 --> 00:48:45,297
Lovejoy - is that your stage name?

677
00:48:46,006 --> 00:48:47,758
No. I'm an eighth Pawnee.

678
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:49,801
- Oh, the Pawnee Lovejoys.
- Yeah!

679
00:48:51,136 --> 00:48:55,015
So, Al Hart from Los Angeles,
what brings you to Kansas City?

680
00:48:55,557 --> 00:48:56,808
I'm on tour.

681
00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:59,853
I knew you were a rock star.

682
00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:02,147
More like Elvis's grandfather.

683
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:11,031
Say, I'm not usually this forward.

684
00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:14,618
Doris, would you like to have dinner
with me tomorrow?

685
00:49:15,577 --> 00:49:18,038
I don't know, Al. That is just so forward.

686
00:49:18,747 --> 00:49:19,747
You're right.

687
00:49:20,290 --> 00:49:22,376
How about... just soup?

688
00:49:27,631 --> 00:49:28,966
So, do you want my number?

689
00:49:29,466 --> 00:49:31,718
<i>You can have more time
to practice your putting</i>

690
00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:35,305
<i>with the Potty Putter,
the amazing new toilet time golf game</i>

691
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:38,183
<i>that lets you practice your putting...
on the potty!</i>

692
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,852
<i>Your Potty Putter
comes with its own putting green,</i>

693
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:44,398
<i>made of the same professional carpet
found at miniature golf courses.</i>

694
00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:48,193
<i>Now, practice your putting every time
you take care of your other business.</i>

695
00:49:48,318 --> 00:49:51,655
<i>Just aim and shoot the ball into the cup.</i>

696
00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:56,576
<i>Just think of all that extra practice,
all only 19.99.</i>

697
00:49:56,660 --> 00:49:59,705
<i>Let your imagination soar
with a Potty Putter.</i>

698
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:01,832
<i>Don't touch that dial!</i>

699
00:50:02,374 --> 00:50:06,003
<i>Coming up next, the champagne sounds
of The Lawrence Welk Show.</i>

700
00:50:06,128 --> 00:50:09,297
<i>And now, here's your host, Lawrence Welk.</i>

701
00:50:11,258 --> 00:50:13,135
Arty Wise?

702
00:50:13,218 --> 00:50:17,097
I adore him!
I used to watch him on Ed Sullivan.

703
00:50:17,305 --> 00:50:19,683
I even went to Vegas to see him once.

704
00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:23,895
Those are my racist family relics.

705
00:50:24,187 --> 00:50:26,398
I painted my family heirlooms.

706
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:29,484
So, what was he like?

707
00:50:30,193 --> 00:50:31,193
Arty?

708
00:50:32,195 --> 00:50:33,195
He was a mensch.

709
00:50:34,698 --> 00:50:36,033
Stayed with me to the end.

710
00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:46,585
<i>You've reached Al Hart
at Al Hart Management.</i>

711
00:50:46,668 --> 00:50:49,880
<i>Please leave a message at the beep
and we'll get right back to you.</i>

712
00:50:55,302 --> 00:50:58,513
So, what about you?
What were you doing back in the day?

713
00:50:58,722 --> 00:51:03,351
I was probably booking Pat Henry
for Sinatra at the Fontainebleu.

714
00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:04,311
Wow!

715
00:51:04,394 --> 00:51:05,812
You are so hip.

716
00:51:07,147 --> 00:51:09,274
To be honest, I never even smoked pot.

717
00:51:09,357 --> 00:51:10,776
How is that even possible?

718
00:51:11,443 --> 00:51:13,153
I don't like to lose control.

719
00:51:14,029 --> 00:51:16,239
All right, take a hit. There you go.
Oh, wow!

720
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:18,283
That's it, okay. Hold it in.

721
00:51:20,535 --> 00:51:22,370
That was a good hit!

722
00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:24,289
I might as well suck on a muffler.

723
00:51:24,664 --> 00:51:26,958
One more like that
and you'll be good to go.

724
00:51:28,210 --> 00:51:29,252
Here you go.

725
00:51:29,753 --> 00:51:30,837
That's good. Wonderful...

726
00:51:32,047 --> 00:51:34,966
Oh, my God.
I know someone who's gonna love you.

727
00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:38,887
I was an art teacher
before I retired.

728
00:51:39,221 --> 00:51:41,932
I used to paint, but now I do these.

729
00:51:43,975 --> 00:51:45,018
They're magnificent.

730
00:51:45,852 --> 00:51:46,852
Thank you.

731
00:51:47,437 --> 00:51:48,438
No, really.

732
00:51:48,939 --> 00:51:52,067
These are like... Rodin meets Larry Flynt.

733
00:51:54,444 --> 00:51:57,864
I just think it's wonderful
that you guys are doing this.

734
00:51:58,156 --> 00:52:01,076
It must be so exciting
to be back on the road again.

735
00:52:02,619 --> 00:52:06,373
But why did he quit
right before Ed Sullivan?

736
00:52:06,748 --> 00:52:09,042
You would think
he'd want to go out with a bang.

737
00:52:10,585 --> 00:52:11,837
That's a good question.

738
00:52:12,295 --> 00:52:13,295
I don't know.

739
00:52:13,755 --> 00:52:16,299
See what happens when you lose control?

740
00:52:17,300 --> 00:52:19,970
Hey, where are you?

741
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:21,471
We're supposed to have dinner.

742
00:52:21,763 --> 00:52:22,848
<i>Listen, Buddy,</i>

743
00:52:22,931 --> 00:52:25,308
you mind eating on your own tonight?

744
00:52:26,852 --> 00:52:28,562
Why? What's going on?

745
00:52:28,728 --> 00:52:31,189
<i>It's a long story.</i>

746
00:52:31,773 --> 00:52:33,024
I kind of met someone.

747
00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:34,943
It's crazy!

748
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:36,111
Hold on.

749
00:52:39,698 --> 00:52:40,532
She came.

750
00:52:40,615 --> 00:52:41,950
I'll explain later.

751
00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:45,744
Maybe you can just order from room service
or something. What do you think?

752
00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:49,541
Sure. I'll have them send up a filet
and a crack pipe.

753
00:53:14,941 --> 00:53:18,820
- I'm feeling a little strange, Doris.
- Yeah.

754
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:21,907
How y'all doing tonight?

755
00:53:28,205 --> 00:53:29,915
Ah, I'm stuffed.

756
00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:34,961
I love barbecue.

757
00:53:35,837 --> 00:53:37,339
Look at the stars.

758
00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:40,383
Oh, wow!

759
00:53:40,675 --> 00:53:42,219
- What are you doing?
- Oh.

760
00:53:43,220 --> 00:53:45,805
Sometimes in special moments,

761
00:53:46,139 --> 00:53:50,060
I just like to feel the ground.
You should try it.

762
00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:54,564
I never take my shoes off on a first date.

763
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:56,608
Is this a date?

764
00:53:57,484 --> 00:53:58,485
I don't know.

765
00:53:59,569 --> 00:54:00,737
- Well...
- Is it?

766
00:54:00,820 --> 00:54:03,990
Whatever it is,
it's a pretty special moment.

767
00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:05,784
Don't you think?

768
00:54:09,621 --> 00:54:10,621
Yeah.

769
00:54:38,858 --> 00:54:39,859
That's very nice.

770
00:54:56,126 --> 00:54:56,960
Where am I?

771
00:54:59,004 --> 00:55:00,255
Oh, you find that funny?

772
00:55:00,714 --> 00:55:03,800
An old man is lost
and you find that funny?

773
00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:09,222
I discovered him.

774
00:55:11,474 --> 00:55:12,474
Twice.

775
00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:01,732
Okay!

776
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:24,923
So, what's your plan?

777
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:27,342
Or are you winging it?

778
00:56:27,842 --> 00:56:28,842
What do you mean?

779
00:56:29,427 --> 00:56:30,762
I mean the girl.

780
00:56:31,846 --> 00:56:32,889
What are you doing?

781
00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:34,765
I don't know.

782
00:56:35,725 --> 00:56:38,436
In all my years,
I've never picked up a girl on the road.

783
00:56:38,520 --> 00:56:40,980
Is she gonna go all the way
to New York with us?

784
00:56:41,606 --> 00:56:42,690
Would you mind if she did?

785
00:56:42,774 --> 00:56:45,026
I don't mind. It's your life.

786
00:56:45,110 --> 00:56:46,110
You see?

787
00:56:46,861 --> 00:56:47,861
You do mind.

788
00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:50,784
There are just certain things
I might have wanted to talk to you about...

789
00:56:50,865 --> 00:56:51,950
What certain things?

790
00:56:52,117 --> 00:56:54,702
Stuff to... talk about.

791
00:56:55,286 --> 00:56:56,287
So, we talk.

792
00:56:58,498 --> 00:56:59,958
Forget it. To hell with me!

793
00:57:00,250 --> 00:57:05,338
Okay, Slim Jims, Cheetos,
pork rinds, cookies!

794
00:57:06,673 --> 00:57:07,673
Hello.

795
00:57:08,174 --> 00:57:09,174
Hi!

796
00:57:11,261 --> 00:57:12,261
Hi!

797
00:57:32,282 --> 00:57:33,825
That's the Palmer House.

798
00:57:33,908 --> 00:57:35,493
I booked you in the Empire Room.

799
00:57:35,577 --> 00:57:37,871
- Remember you were opening for Al Hirt?
- Bobby Hackett.

800
00:57:37,954 --> 00:57:39,247
Bullshit!

801
00:57:42,709 --> 00:57:44,127
Mister Kelly's was right there.

802
00:57:44,210 --> 00:57:46,129
You played on a bill
with Barbra Streisand.

803
00:57:46,212 --> 00:57:47,755
She was probably 19 years old.

804
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:49,090
I tried to bang her.

805
00:57:49,591 --> 00:57:52,886
Back there, that was the Gate of Horn.
You opened for Peter, Paul and Mary there.

806
00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:53,970
The Kingston Trio.

807
00:57:54,053 --> 00:57:57,056
All those great clubs - gone.

808
00:57:57,515 --> 00:57:59,184
Where the hell do people go now?

809
00:58:31,257 --> 00:58:33,009
- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

810
00:58:33,510 --> 00:58:35,220
Why aren't you in there with her?

811
00:58:36,095 --> 00:58:36,971
I don't know.

812
00:58:37,055 --> 00:58:39,933
- Isn't that the point?
- We never discussed it.

813
00:58:40,016 --> 00:58:42,018
I'm out of practice,
I don't know what I'm doing.

814
00:58:42,101 --> 00:58:44,771
Isn't it obvious that she wants you

815
00:58:44,854 --> 00:58:46,934
- to spend the night with her?
- You don't know that.

816
00:58:46,981 --> 00:58:49,150
Well, why the hell else would she be here?

817
00:58:49,234 --> 00:58:52,070
- I don't want to be presumptious, okay?
- Oh, God!

818
00:58:52,153 --> 00:58:53,738
You are so nuts!

819
00:58:53,821 --> 00:58:56,157
Hey, guys,
you want to keep it down out here?

820
00:58:56,241 --> 00:58:58,535
- What's going on?
- Don't worry, get back in the room.

821
00:58:58,618 --> 00:59:01,704
You think you're hot shit
'cause you're in <i>Jerry Springer!</i>

822
00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:03,623
- Loser!
- What if she says no?

823
00:59:04,666 --> 00:59:05,917
I can't take the rejection.

824
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:08,253
Then you can spend the night
in here with me.

825
00:59:08,336 --> 00:59:09,379
You ask her.

826
00:59:09,462 --> 00:59:11,714
Just ask her where I'm sleeping,
that's all.

827
00:59:12,215 --> 00:59:13,841
Don't... Hey, no.

828
00:59:13,967 --> 00:59:16,386
I'm sorry, I don't want to know.

829
00:59:17,136 --> 00:59:18,763
Look, Al...

830
00:59:19,264 --> 00:59:24,394
she's a free love hippie spirit
who went to Woodstock.

831
00:59:24,727 --> 00:59:27,021
If you don't go in there, I will.

832
00:59:31,776 --> 00:59:32,819
I gotta take this.

833
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:37,323
Vic! How are you?

834
00:59:37,907 --> 00:59:39,325
I've been waiting for your call.

835
00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:42,745
Yeah. So, what's the latest?

836
00:59:59,637 --> 01:00:00,763
I'm so sorry.

837
01:00:02,056 --> 01:00:03,057
Who am I kidding?

838
01:00:03,266 --> 01:00:06,269
You can't just get somebody
on The Tonight Show.

839
01:00:07,478 --> 01:00:10,773
Well,
look at all that you've accomplished.

840
01:00:10,857 --> 01:00:13,943
I would say you've been a great success.

841
01:00:16,279 --> 01:00:18,740
I think it's wonderful
that you're doing what you love,

842
01:00:18,823 --> 01:00:23,369
but what about
when you can't do it anymore?

843
01:00:28,458 --> 01:00:31,127
I will never play canasta!

844
01:00:31,794 --> 01:00:35,214
I will not take the short bus
to the mall ever again!

845
01:00:37,717 --> 01:00:40,094
All I know how to do is work.

846
01:00:41,596 --> 01:00:44,223
I don't know who I am without it.

847
01:00:49,604 --> 01:00:53,483
You know what I do when I have
a really hard decision to make?

848
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:55,442
Mushrooms.

849
01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:56,986
Shrooms?

850
01:00:57,654 --> 01:01:00,823
Jesus Christ! I'm falling for a pusher.

851
01:01:00,948 --> 01:01:02,825
It's a beautiful night, Al,

852
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,203
and only good things happen
when we let go.

853
01:01:07,705 --> 01:01:09,957
Uh... Okay.

854
01:01:38,861 --> 01:01:42,115
I am thinking about a song.

855
01:01:43,199 --> 01:01:44,199
What?

856
01:01:45,034 --> 01:01:47,662
I'm thinking about
bringing a song into the act.

857
01:01:47,745 --> 01:01:50,665
I think it will be a great thing
for The Tonight Show.

858
01:01:51,624 --> 01:01:52,624
I don't like it.

859
01:01:52,667 --> 01:01:55,336
- Why not?
- I don't like when comedians sing.

860
01:01:56,087 --> 01:01:57,171
I hate musicals.

861
01:01:57,255 --> 01:02:00,425
When somebody just breaks out into song
for no damn reason...

862
01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:04,178
That makes me sad.

863
01:02:04,595 --> 01:02:05,680
I love musicals.

864
01:02:06,889 --> 01:02:08,224
How are you feeling, Buddy?

865
01:02:08,307 --> 01:02:10,476
Like a chaperone on prom night.

866
01:02:15,648 --> 01:02:17,775
Oh, my gosh, look at you guys!

867
01:02:18,359 --> 01:02:20,111
Wow, what an entrance!

868
01:02:20,194 --> 01:02:21,320
Hey, Jimbo!

869
01:02:21,404 --> 01:02:23,656
Al Hart. How are you?

870
01:02:23,740 --> 01:02:25,867
Never better, man.
I want you to meet somebody.

871
01:02:27,076 --> 01:02:28,076
Buddy Green.

872
01:02:30,037 --> 01:02:32,623
- Wow, what an honor!
- Oh, thank you.

873
01:02:32,707 --> 01:02:35,209
I heard you took a few years off,
like your entire career?

874
01:02:35,293 --> 01:02:37,044
Yeah, a few.

875
01:02:37,128 --> 01:02:39,255
You look fantastic, Jimbo.
Did you lose weight?

876
01:02:39,338 --> 01:02:41,424
- I put on 75 pounds.
- Oh, that's what I mean.

877
01:02:41,507 --> 01:02:44,260
You look good for a fat guy.
Your clothes are very stylish, though.

878
01:02:44,343 --> 01:02:46,679
- I bought these at Goodwill.
- Stylish in 1985.

879
01:02:46,763 --> 01:02:47,847
How's your beautiful wife?

880
01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:49,098
She left me two years ago.

881
01:02:49,182 --> 01:02:50,057
Ah, good riddance.

882
01:02:50,141 --> 01:02:51,517
- Never liked her.
- Hey!

883
01:02:51,601 --> 01:02:53,019
Are you stealing my bit?

884
01:02:53,102 --> 01:02:55,563
Wait a minute. <i>The Agents </i>is your bit?
I thought it was Al's.

885
01:02:55,646 --> 01:02:57,857
Al wouldn't know funny if it blew him.

886
01:02:57,940 --> 01:02:59,025
I think he's hilarious.

887
01:02:59,275 --> 01:03:01,486
For a manager, but <i>as </i>a manager...

888
01:03:02,361 --> 01:03:03,362
He booked you here.

889
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:04,739
He <i>drove </i>us here.

890
01:03:04,822 --> 01:03:06,741
- He's a terrible driver.
- He drove from LA!

891
01:03:06,824 --> 01:03:07,867
Like a pilot.

892
01:03:09,368 --> 01:03:11,871
- All right.
- Jimbo, I want you to meet Doris.

893
01:03:11,954 --> 01:03:12,954
Doris, Jimbo.

894
01:03:13,414 --> 01:03:14,414
I'm the mascot!

895
01:03:14,957 --> 01:03:18,669
Look at you. You're beautiful!
You're a two knuckler.

896
01:03:20,087 --> 01:03:21,087
What's a two knuckler?

897
01:03:23,549 --> 01:03:25,760
All right, here,
let me show you your dressing room.

898
01:03:26,052 --> 01:03:28,452
- Come on. We'll be back out soon.
- Yeah, we'll be right in.

899
01:03:29,013 --> 01:03:30,598
I'm starting to feel a little tingly.

900
01:03:32,225 --> 01:03:34,644
God, you look good!
That's a beautiful dress.

901
01:03:37,021 --> 01:03:38,314
I don't know, I feel...

902
01:03:39,232 --> 01:03:41,943
Look at the colors, even at night!

903
01:03:43,986 --> 01:03:45,279
It's good.

904
01:03:45,488 --> 01:03:48,241
I feel footloose and fancy free.

905
01:03:50,451 --> 01:03:51,451
Grandpa!

906
01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:58,626
How strong is this shit?

907
01:03:59,293 --> 01:04:01,087
I don't think you're hallucinating yet.

908
01:04:01,170 --> 01:04:02,088
- Hey!
- Jeannie!

909
01:04:02,171 --> 01:04:03,047
Hi!

910
01:04:03,172 --> 01:04:04,257
What are you doing here?

911
01:04:05,591 --> 01:04:08,177
- This is Charlie Green. It's Buddy's son.
- Hi.

912
01:04:10,596 --> 01:04:11,596
Is this real?

913
01:04:12,056 --> 01:04:13,641
- This is Charlie Green?
- Yeah.

914
01:04:13,724 --> 01:04:14,724
This is real?

915
01:04:16,644 --> 01:04:20,022
I remember you
when you were just a small girl.

916
01:04:20,857 --> 01:04:23,276
I'm kidding you, Charlie.
Your dad talks about you a lot.

917
01:04:23,359 --> 01:04:24,527
Is he okay?

918
01:04:24,610 --> 01:04:26,028
He's in top form.

919
01:04:26,112 --> 01:04:28,781
He just went in if you want to,
you know...

920
01:04:30,157 --> 01:04:31,343
- Okay, I'm gonna go in.
- Okay.

921
01:04:31,367 --> 01:04:33,077
- Excuse me, my dad is inside.
- Okay.

922
01:04:33,619 --> 01:04:35,830
You've grown into a fine young man,
Charlie.

923
01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:39,124
Okay. All right.

924
01:04:39,917 --> 01:04:40,917
A little uptight, huh?

925
01:04:41,752 --> 01:04:43,921
He's upset. You never called.

926
01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:46,090
- I didn't call?
- You know you didn't call.

927
01:04:46,173 --> 01:04:48,134
- I could have sworn we just talked.
- Grandpa!

928
01:04:48,217 --> 01:04:50,636
I've heard so many lovely things
about you.

929
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:52,388
Oh, thank you.

930
01:04:53,431 --> 01:04:56,058
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- I'm Doris.

931
01:04:56,142 --> 01:04:57,602
I met Doris in Kansas.

932
01:04:58,728 --> 01:04:59,728
Not bad, huh?

933
01:05:00,479 --> 01:05:02,106
Grandpa's still got game.

934
01:05:02,523 --> 01:05:03,523
Grandpa...

935
01:05:04,734 --> 01:05:05,734
Can we talk for a sec?

936
01:05:05,776 --> 01:05:08,863
Sure, you two talk.
I'm gonna go pet the horse.

937
01:05:09,322 --> 01:05:10,322
Okay.

938
01:05:10,865 --> 01:05:12,950
His name is Lincoln, as in Abraham.

939
01:05:13,034 --> 01:05:14,034
No relation.

940
01:05:15,328 --> 01:05:17,121
It's really good to see you, kid.

941
01:05:19,081 --> 01:05:20,708
It's good to see you, Dad.

942
01:05:22,209 --> 01:05:23,669
But what the hell are you doing?

943
01:05:24,962 --> 01:05:26,130
I'm on tour.

944
01:05:27,381 --> 01:05:28,966
Since when does my father,

945
01:05:29,050 --> 01:05:33,721
Dr Edward Green, podiatrist, go on tour?

946
01:05:34,013 --> 01:05:36,682
You know, nobody ever asked their parents:

947
01:05:36,807 --> 01:05:39,685
"What did you do
before you were a parent?"

948
01:05:41,228 --> 01:05:42,730
This is what I did, Charlie.

949
01:05:43,981 --> 01:05:45,775
I do not understand.

950
01:05:46,442 --> 01:05:48,069
I was a comic.

951
01:05:48,653 --> 01:05:51,948
And I could have been maybe big,
maybe not.

952
01:05:52,323 --> 01:05:56,077
But I didn't stick around long enough
to find out.

953
01:05:56,160 --> 01:05:58,621
What the fuck are you talking about?

954
01:05:58,704 --> 01:06:00,998
Are you losing your mind, too?

955
01:06:01,082 --> 01:06:02,291
I had a cousin, Murray.

956
01:06:03,918 --> 01:06:08,923
He left his wife and kids and he moved
in with a man named Little Leo.

957
01:06:09,757 --> 01:06:14,220
Nobody ever asked Murray, "What did you do
before you were a parent?"

958
01:06:15,846 --> 01:06:17,139
Are you gay, too, Dad?

959
01:06:18,849 --> 01:06:19,934
No.

960
01:06:20,893 --> 01:06:22,687
I'm a closeted comedian.

961
01:06:23,270 --> 01:06:25,398
That life isn't for me, sweetheart.

962
01:06:26,023 --> 01:06:27,149
I felt like an inmate.

963
01:06:27,233 --> 01:06:29,026
So, you drag Buddy into this?

964
01:06:29,110 --> 01:06:31,195
I didn't drag him anywhere. He came.

965
01:06:31,278 --> 01:06:32,697
This was his idea.

966
01:06:33,614 --> 01:06:37,076
Maybe I put the idea in his head,
but it was his decision.

967
01:06:37,159 --> 01:06:39,078
He shouldn’t be exerting himself.

968
01:06:39,161 --> 01:06:42,206
Exerting? The guy was humping every night
back at the home!

969
01:06:42,289 --> 01:06:43,916
Lucky bastard!

970
01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:46,419
Okay. Grandpa, this is dangerous!

971
01:06:46,585 --> 01:06:50,256
How is it dangerous?
I mean, he’s in better shape than me.

972
01:06:51,674 --> 01:06:53,259
You don't know, do you?

973
01:06:55,136 --> 01:06:57,388
Why are you so upset? Why?

974
01:06:57,638 --> 01:07:00,182
Really?
None of this makes any sense to you?

975
01:07:00,266 --> 01:07:01,350
Okay, hey!

976
01:07:01,767 --> 01:07:04,353
You were missing. Vanished.

977
01:07:04,937 --> 01:07:08,482
And now I find you living some secret life
as Rodney Dangerfield,

978
01:07:08,566 --> 01:07:11,944
and I'm just supposed to be thrilled
that you suddenly found yourself at 80?

979
01:07:12,653 --> 01:07:13,653
Yes.

980
01:07:14,447 --> 01:07:17,033
Charlie, I know what I’m doing

981
01:07:17,658 --> 01:07:19,076
I'm a grown man.

982
01:07:21,579 --> 01:07:22,955
You're also a sick man.

983
01:07:23,831 --> 01:07:27,376
Why do you even bring that up?
What does that have to do with anything?

984
01:07:27,710 --> 01:07:28,836
I feel fine.

985
01:07:32,423 --> 01:07:33,758
Oh, my God...

986
01:07:35,509 --> 01:07:37,094
It's pancreatic.

987
01:07:37,219 --> 01:07:38,929
Oh, Jesus!

988
01:07:39,847 --> 01:07:43,100
That's... the worst kind. I...

989
01:07:43,517 --> 01:07:45,728
Charlie thinks
that this trip could kill him.

990
01:07:46,979 --> 01:07:49,065
I don’t know
how to process this right now.

991
01:07:49,690 --> 01:07:51,484
Grandpa, are you all right?

992
01:07:52,526 --> 01:07:53,526
Here. Are you Okay?

993
01:07:54,236 --> 01:07:55,738
It's just the shrooms.

994
01:07:56,572 --> 01:07:57,572
How bad is he?

995
01:07:58,240 --> 01:07:59,283
It's terminal.

996
01:08:00,493 --> 01:08:01,827
What do you mean, "shrooms"?

997
01:08:09,293 --> 01:08:13,839
When I was a kid, my friends always used
to want to eat dinner at our house.

998
01:08:16,509 --> 01:08:19,929
I couldn’t understand it
because Mom wasn’t that great a cook.

999
01:08:22,598 --> 01:08:23,598
But almost every day,

1000
01:08:23,641 --> 01:08:26,102
someone would ask, “Hey, Charlie,
can I come over for dinner?”

1001
01:08:27,353 --> 01:08:29,438
For a second, I thought I was popular.

1002
01:08:31,148 --> 01:08:32,483
You cracked those kids up.

1003
01:08:33,067 --> 01:08:35,528
You were always
the funniest dad in the world.

1004
01:08:36,529 --> 01:08:37,988
You didn't give up a career.

1005
01:08:38,072 --> 01:08:41,200
You just... found a different audience.

1006
01:08:42,451 --> 01:08:45,162
I want my kids to have that experience
while they can.

1007
01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,039
They deserve to laugh like that.

1008
01:08:47,998 --> 01:08:49,750
They haven't heard them all yet.

1009
01:08:58,551 --> 01:08:59,551
Hey...

1010
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,682
Oh, Jesus, come on!

1011
01:09:05,683 --> 01:09:07,476
Don't be so dramatic.

1012
01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:09,228
What am I supposed to do?

1013
01:09:12,398 --> 01:09:15,442
Charlie, I've had a great life.

1014
01:09:16,402 --> 01:09:19,530
I didn't live it exactly the way
I thought I would,

1015
01:09:20,114 --> 01:09:23,826
but at least let me die the way I want.

1016
01:09:28,622 --> 01:09:30,958
I should have known.
All that pot he smokes...

1017
01:09:31,375 --> 01:09:32,918
He calls it his medicine.

1018
01:09:34,545 --> 01:09:37,214
Al, he’s all settled.
I’m gonna get you to the table.

1019
01:09:37,882 --> 01:09:38,882
Mascot?

1020
01:09:40,050 --> 01:09:42,011
How's everybody doing?

1021
01:09:42,845 --> 01:09:46,724
He's making a comeback, actually,
after 50 years.

1022
01:09:46,807 --> 01:09:49,560
50. That's 5-0, folks.

1023
01:09:49,810 --> 01:09:52,813
I am serious as a heart attack.
I hope he doesn't have one.

1024
01:09:54,899 --> 01:09:57,318
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage

1025
01:09:57,401 --> 01:09:59,028
Buddy Green!

1026
01:10:10,956 --> 01:10:11,956
I love you.

1027
01:10:13,834 --> 01:10:14,960
Okay, here's the deal.

1028
01:10:15,753 --> 01:10:18,297
<i>You are out of your mind.</i>

1029
01:10:20,507 --> 01:10:24,595
<i>♪ When the day turns to night ♪</i>

1030
01:10:25,554 --> 01:10:28,724
<i>♪ And the sun is out of sight ♪</i>

1031
01:10:29,767 --> 01:10:30,643
<i>♪ And the moon... ♪</i>

1032
01:10:30,726 --> 01:10:31,977
Is he singing?

1033
01:10:32,353 --> 01:10:33,353
No.

1034
01:10:33,604 --> 01:10:37,483
Now, you're hallucinating.

1035
01:10:39,860 --> 01:10:43,781
<i>♪ When the band begins to play ♪</i>

1036
01:10:44,531 --> 01:10:47,952
<i>♪ And the crowd starts to sway ♪</i>

1037
01:10:49,370 --> 01:10:52,289
<i>♪ My nerves never fray ♪</i>

1038
01:10:52,373 --> 01:10:54,833
<i>♪ I've found my ray ♪</i>

1039
01:10:55,960 --> 01:10:56,960
<i>♪ Of light... ♪</i>

1040
01:10:58,504 --> 01:11:00,089
Are you seeing this?

1041
01:11:00,339 --> 01:11:01,339
No.

1042
01:11:02,925 --> 01:11:04,927
<i>♪ But clouds always scatter ♪</i>

1043
01:11:05,010 --> 01:11:08,389
<i>♪ And we know that's true ♪</i>

1044
01:11:11,809 --> 01:11:15,145
<i>♪ When the footlights are hot ♪</i>

1045
01:11:16,230 --> 01:11:19,483
<i>♪ But the audience is not ♪</i>

1046
01:11:20,651 --> 01:11:23,862
<i>♪ My stomach's not in knots ♪</i>

1047
01:11:23,946 --> 01:11:26,448
<i>♪ I've found my spot ♪</i>

1048
01:11:28,784 --> 01:11:30,661
<i>♪ 'Cause life will bite ♪</i>

1049
01:11:32,037 --> 01:11:34,039
<i>♪ Don't fight or flight ♪</i>

1050
01:11:34,748 --> 01:11:35,833
<i>♪ Just find ♪</i>

1051
01:11:37,042 --> 01:11:39,920
<i>♪ Your light ♪</i>

1052
01:12:13,037 --> 01:12:15,247
Mr Sullivan? Ed?

1053
01:12:15,873 --> 01:12:17,499
Grandpa, where are you going?

1054
01:12:17,958 --> 01:12:20,419
Hey, Al,
thanks for making my dad so happy.

1055
01:12:21,420 --> 01:12:22,838
Hey, Buddy!

1056
01:12:22,921 --> 01:12:23,921
<i>♪ You've worked hard ♪</i>

1057
01:12:23,964 --> 01:12:26,175
<i>♪ That's a fact ♪</i>

1058
01:12:26,633 --> 01:12:33,223
<i>♪ Now, it's time to relax ♪</i>

1059
01:12:43,484 --> 01:12:46,695
<i>Do you know what you need, Al?
We need to go dancing.</i>

1060
01:13:50,050 --> 01:13:53,679
<i>♪ When life pulls a gun ♪</i>

1061
01:13:54,179 --> 01:13:57,558
<i>♪ And it stops being fun ♪</i>

1062
01:13:58,767 --> 01:14:02,646
<i>♪ And the world weighs a ton ♪</i>

1063
01:14:02,896 --> 01:14:05,732
<i>♪ Find the sun ♪</i>

1064
01:14:07,901 --> 01:14:11,697
<i>♪ When a girl meets a guy ♪</i>

1065
01:14:12,489 --> 01:14:16,577
<i>♪ Who are we to ask why? ♪</i>

1066
01:14:16,743 --> 01:14:21,290
<i>♪ If we jump, we can fly ♪</i>

1067
01:14:21,415 --> 01:14:25,085
<i>♪ And I'm sky high ♪</i>

1068
01:14:26,628 --> 01:14:30,549
<i>♪ Life is about the things we don't know ♪</i>

1069
01:14:30,966 --> 01:14:34,970
<i>♪ Look what can happen when you go ♪</i>

1070
01:14:36,555 --> 01:14:40,017
<i>♪ Go, go, go ♪</i>

1071
01:14:41,894 --> 01:14:46,231
<i>♪ When you give up the fight ♪</i>

1072
01:14:46,398 --> 01:14:50,944
<i>♪ And you exit stage right ♪</i>

1073
01:14:51,028 --> 01:14:54,990
<i>♪ When you're all dressed in white ♪</i>

1074
01:14:55,491 --> 01:14:59,536
<i>♪ It's all right ♪</i>

1075
01:15:00,496 --> 01:15:02,498
<i>♪ You paid your debts ♪</i>

1076
01:15:02,789 --> 01:15:04,500
<i>♪ There's no regrets ♪</i>

1077
01:15:05,083 --> 01:15:11,757
<i>♪ From the lowest low to the highest high ♪</i>

1078
01:15:14,510 --> 01:15:17,596
<i>♪ Just hold on tight ♪</i>

1079
01:15:18,138 --> 01:15:25,103
<i>♪ And find your light ♪</i>

1080
01:15:26,438 --> 01:15:30,234
<i>♪ Find your light ♪</i>

1081
01:15:31,151 --> 01:15:36,865
<i>♪ Find your light ♪</i>

1082
01:16:03,183 --> 01:16:06,937
<i>"Dear Al, I suck at goodbyes.</i>

1083
01:16:09,314 --> 01:16:12,651
<i>That was the best night I've had in years.</i>

1084
01:16:13,151 --> 01:16:14,319
<i>You're amazing,</i>

1085
01:16:14,403 --> 01:16:17,990
<i>but you and Buddy can use
some space right now.</i>

1086
01:16:19,449 --> 01:16:23,537
<i>Remember to take your shoes
off and feel the ground sometimes.</i>

1087
01:16:24,746 --> 01:16:26,873
<i>Love, Doris."</i>

1088
01:16:32,462 --> 01:16:33,505
Ah.

1089
01:16:33,797 --> 01:16:35,799
Where did you disappear to last night?

1090
01:16:36,341 --> 01:16:40,178
The best show I ever gave
in my whole life.

1091
01:16:42,389 --> 01:16:45,475
Where did you find it?
I thought I lost it.

1092
01:16:45,559 --> 01:16:47,561
And wait a minute...

1093
01:16:47,811 --> 01:16:49,521
have you seen this?

1094
01:16:50,147 --> 01:16:52,232
Second page of the entertainment section.

1095
01:16:52,316 --> 01:16:54,901
Fallon's people will love this.

1096
01:16:55,319 --> 01:16:58,363
If we hit the road now,
we can make Youngstown by dinner.

1097
01:16:58,447 --> 01:17:01,325
- We can make New York by lunch...
- It's not happening.

1098
01:17:02,367 --> 01:17:03,367
What?

1099
01:17:04,411 --> 01:17:06,580
Vic didn't come through. I'm sorry.

1100
01:17:08,373 --> 01:17:11,460
Look, we did it.
We played all the way to Chicago.

1101
01:17:11,627 --> 01:17:13,545
Let's go back and celebrate.

1102
01:17:14,129 --> 01:17:15,631
What the fuck is this?

1103
01:17:15,714 --> 01:17:19,926
Do you think that I give a shit
about The Tonight Show?

1104
01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:22,888
That was your idea, anyway!

1105
01:17:24,222 --> 01:17:25,766
I'm going to New York!

1106
01:17:25,849 --> 01:17:26,933
It's finished, Buddy.

1107
01:17:28,477 --> 01:17:32,314
It's time to... you know, retire.

1108
01:17:38,737 --> 01:17:43,742
You drag me through the dregs
of third-rate nightclubs

1109
01:17:43,825 --> 01:17:45,661
so I can shit my guts out,

1110
01:17:45,744 --> 01:17:49,414
almost get lynched in Lubbock
with that kooky broad

1111
01:17:49,498 --> 01:17:54,961
and now you're telling me...
that <i>I've </i>got to quit?

1112
01:17:55,837 --> 01:17:59,007
- Maybe that is why Max Becker fired you.
- That's bullshit.

1113
01:17:59,091 --> 01:18:02,886
Maybe that is why
Max Becker is doing the Colbert show

1114
01:18:02,969 --> 01:18:06,556
and you are trying to drag me
back to that fucking home.

1115
01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,016
That's bullshit and you know it!

1116
01:18:08,642 --> 01:18:11,395
Becker's playing Colbert. Well, fuck him.
And fuck you.

1117
01:18:11,978 --> 01:18:13,146
Fuck <i>me?</i>

1118
01:18:13,480 --> 01:18:15,107
You're the one who's quitting.

1119
01:18:15,190 --> 01:18:17,776
Oh, really?
You want to talk about quitting?

1120
01:18:17,859 --> 01:18:19,319
You fucked me over, Buddy.

1121
01:18:19,403 --> 01:18:22,239
- Oh, here we go.
- You almost killed my career.

1122
01:18:22,322 --> 01:18:24,449
You let me holding my dick,
just like Arty.

1123
01:18:24,533 --> 01:18:27,411
- I should have anticipated this.
- Just like Becker.

1124
01:18:27,494 --> 01:18:29,496
You all quit on me, Buddy.

1125
01:18:29,579 --> 01:18:32,082
My whole life, I never quit on one soul.

1126
01:18:32,666 --> 01:18:33,917
Until now.

1127
01:18:42,217 --> 01:18:43,677
I know you're sick, Buddy.

1128
01:18:44,886 --> 01:18:46,054
Jeannie told me, yeah.

1129
01:18:48,223 --> 01:18:49,766
Motherfucker...

1130
01:18:51,768 --> 01:18:53,103
Why didn't you tell me?

1131
01:18:54,479 --> 01:18:56,690
I was gonna tell you after Kansas.

1132
01:18:58,066 --> 01:19:00,068
But that's when
you brought the girl along.

1133
01:19:00,527 --> 01:19:02,112
Christ, sucking...

1134
01:19:03,780 --> 01:19:07,159
terminal goddamn pancreatic bullshit.

1135
01:19:07,409 --> 01:19:08,409
I...

1136
01:19:11,329 --> 01:19:16,835
I could have... two more months
or maybe a year.

1137
01:19:18,044 --> 01:19:20,172
Fucking doctors can't make up their minds.

1138
01:19:20,589 --> 01:19:25,677
It's like the guy whose doctor tells him,
"You've got six months to live."

1139
01:19:26,678 --> 01:19:30,849
And the guy says, "I can't pay the bill."

1140
01:19:31,725 --> 01:19:35,729
And the doctor says,
"Okay, I'll give you another six months."

1141
01:19:38,523 --> 01:19:41,193
I don't regret the choices I've made, Al.

1142
01:19:42,235 --> 01:19:43,235
But...

1143
01:19:44,863 --> 01:19:46,323
If we quit now...

1144
01:19:47,574 --> 01:19:50,160
that will be the only thing...

1145
01:19:51,328 --> 01:19:55,832
this dying man will truly regret.

1146
01:20:00,295 --> 01:20:02,714
Way to fucking milk that disease!

1147
01:20:11,056 --> 01:20:12,056
Hold it!

1148
01:20:12,516 --> 01:20:13,642
Oh, shit!

1149
01:20:14,100 --> 01:20:15,435
- Shit?
- Shit!

1150
01:20:16,269 --> 01:20:17,896
- Shit.
- We're not stopping you.

1151
01:20:17,979 --> 01:20:18,979
We're going with you.

1152
01:20:19,022 --> 01:20:19,856
No shit?

1153
01:20:19,940 --> 01:20:21,066
- No shit!
- Shotgun!

1154
01:20:22,442 --> 01:20:23,610
<i>♪ I'll show you around ♪</i>

1155
01:20:23,693 --> 01:20:24,736
<i>♪ I love it ♪</i>

1156
01:20:24,820 --> 01:20:27,113
<i>♪ Bet your bottom dollar
You'll lose your blues ♪</i>

1157
01:20:27,197 --> 01:20:28,490
<i>♪ In Chicago ♪</i>

1158
01:20:28,907 --> 01:20:30,200
<i>♪ Chicago ♪</i>

1159
01:20:30,283 --> 01:20:33,745
<i>♪ The town
That Billy Sunday could not shut down... ♪</i>

1160
01:20:33,829 --> 01:20:35,747
- Who's Billy Sunday?
- Some asshole.

1161
01:20:35,831 --> 01:20:38,458
<i>- ♪Boys and girls together ♪</i>
- Yeah.

1162
01:20:38,542 --> 01:20:41,086
<i>♪ Me and Mamie O'Rourke ♪</i>

1163
01:20:41,461 --> 01:20:43,964
<i>♪ We tripped the light fantastic ♪</i>

1164
01:20:44,214 --> 01:20:48,385
<i>♪ On the sidewalks of New York... ♪</i>

1165
01:21:29,551 --> 01:21:30,551
It's instant.

1166
01:21:30,969 --> 01:21:33,346
I don't have a coffee maker.
I don't like clutter.

1167
01:21:34,806 --> 01:21:36,516
That's a touching story, Al.

1168
01:21:37,142 --> 01:21:38,560
I really feel for the guy.

1169
01:21:39,227 --> 01:21:40,437
He should have a shot.

1170
01:21:41,021 --> 01:21:43,023
Especially at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

1171
01:21:43,106 --> 01:21:49,029
That would be... poetic and satisfying,
I'm sure.

1172
01:21:52,699 --> 01:21:54,534
But not in my slot!

1173
01:21:58,705 --> 01:22:00,790
You got a lot of years ahead of you, Max.

1174
01:22:01,541 --> 01:22:02,876
Not to mention...

1175
01:22:02,959 --> 01:22:06,504
and I'm not trying to play the guilt card,
but you kind of owe me one.

1176
01:22:07,339 --> 01:22:08,840
I'm sorry, refresh my memory.

1177
01:22:08,924 --> 01:22:10,926
Did you not get your 10%?

1178
01:22:11,134 --> 01:22:14,888
Is there some outstanding balance
I don't know about?

1179
01:22:14,971 --> 01:22:16,598
You know what I'm talking about.

1180
01:22:16,723 --> 01:22:18,725
police

1181
01:22:18,808 --> 01:22:20,060
- That was...
- Look, Max,

1182
01:22:20,143 --> 01:22:23,271
I didn't come here looking for an apology
or a handout.

1183
01:22:24,022 --> 01:22:29,069
I came to appeal... to you...
as a human being.

1184
01:22:30,362 --> 01:22:32,447
I'm not a human being. I'm a comedian!

1185
01:22:32,739 --> 01:22:35,283
A comedian
with serious fucking money troubles!

1186
01:22:36,117 --> 01:22:38,828
Look, do I feel bad that I left you?

1187
01:22:38,912 --> 01:22:41,289
Sure.
Likewise, I feel bad for your friend.

1188
01:22:41,790 --> 01:22:42,790
But...

1189
01:22:43,833 --> 01:22:45,669
But too fucking bad!

1190
01:22:46,169 --> 01:22:50,882
I got two mortgages I can't afford,
I got two ex-wives,

1191
01:22:50,966 --> 01:22:55,220
who are fucking serious
bloodsucking vampires

1192
01:22:55,428 --> 01:22:57,889
and a kid who's in rehab
for the second time.

1193
01:22:58,098 --> 01:23:02,143
I get on Colbert and my quote skyrockets.

1194
01:23:02,811 --> 01:23:05,480
My profile rises.

1195
01:23:05,855 --> 01:23:07,107
The offers come in.

1196
01:23:07,691 --> 01:23:09,484
I'm making money again.

1197
01:23:10,110 --> 01:23:12,988
I'm sorry your friend's gonna die,
but he had his shot.

1198
01:23:13,446 --> 01:23:17,117
I need this, Al,
because my life depends on it.

1199
01:23:21,913 --> 01:23:22,913
What do you want?

1200
01:23:24,040 --> 01:23:25,291
Huh?

1201
01:23:25,917 --> 01:23:27,711
How much do you want for your slot?

1202
01:23:29,754 --> 01:23:31,047
Are you bribing me?

1203
01:23:32,048 --> 01:23:33,508
I call it a <i>soborno.</i>

1204
01:23:34,801 --> 01:23:38,096
So, tell me... how much do you need?

1205
01:23:41,933 --> 01:23:43,309
I think you should go.

1206
01:23:55,530 --> 01:24:00,702
The first comic I ever booked
got paid 50 bucks.

1207
01:24:01,619 --> 01:24:03,288
My take was $5.

1208
01:24:04,122 --> 01:24:06,124
That was in 1963.

1209
01:24:07,333 --> 01:24:14,007
And that $5 is still sitting at the bottom
of a big, fat, useless bank account

1210
01:24:14,090 --> 01:24:18,928
with a million more fives
that never bought me a scrap of joy

1211
01:24:19,262 --> 01:24:20,847
without the ability to earn it.

1212
01:24:22,432 --> 01:24:26,352
You see, I'm one of those guys
who didn't work to live.

1213
01:24:26,436 --> 01:24:27,896
I live to work.

1214
01:24:29,105 --> 01:24:30,105
I live to work.

1215
01:24:31,399 --> 01:24:32,525
But now...

1216
01:24:32,942 --> 01:24:34,235
Now, I don't work.

1217
01:24:35,153 --> 01:24:37,489
Which means I have
to figure out how to live.

1218
01:24:39,991 --> 01:24:43,286
So, I don't have
a fucking life right now, Max.

1219
01:24:43,953 --> 01:24:45,121
But I need one.

1220
01:24:46,289 --> 01:24:47,874
And you're gonna give it to me.

1221
01:24:49,584 --> 01:24:51,044
So, I'll ask one more time.

1222
01:24:52,420 --> 01:24:55,465
How much do you need
to let us have your slot?

1223
01:24:58,885 --> 01:25:02,597
<i>It's The Late Show
with Stephen Colbert.</i>

1224
01:25:02,680 --> 01:25:05,141
<i>Tonight, Ryan Reynolds.</i>

1225
01:25:05,767 --> 01:25:11,022
<i>Plus, Stephen welcomes Bernadette Peters
and comedian Max Becker.</i>

1226
01:25:11,106 --> 01:25:16,236
<i>Live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater
in New York City, it's...</i>

1227
01:25:16,611 --> 01:25:18,404
How you feeling, Mr Green?

1228
01:25:19,405 --> 01:25:20,990
Could you turn that thing off?

1229
01:25:32,961 --> 01:25:33,961
You're good.

1230
01:25:47,892 --> 01:25:49,060
You look great.

1231
01:25:49,894 --> 01:25:51,312
I look like shit.

1232
01:25:51,646 --> 01:25:53,273
A big, steaming pile of it.

1233
01:25:54,357 --> 01:25:57,443
- But your tuxedo...
- My tuxedo's older than me.

1234
01:25:59,362 --> 01:26:00,738
At least you have an act.

1235
01:26:00,822 --> 01:26:02,282
I don't have an act.

1236
01:26:02,615 --> 01:26:04,534
Yeah, you don't.
That's 'cause you're senile.

1237
01:26:04,659 --> 01:26:06,661
<i>This man right here is a liar.</i>

1238
01:26:06,744 --> 01:26:08,163
<i>Ryan Reynolds, everybody.</i>

1239
01:26:24,721 --> 01:26:26,389
You did this, Al.

1240
01:26:27,098 --> 01:26:28,099
Nah.

1241
01:26:28,975 --> 01:26:29,976
It was all Max.

1242
01:26:33,980 --> 01:26:34,980
Remember this?

1243
01:26:37,233 --> 01:26:39,068
- Yeah.
- Go get 'em!

1244
01:26:43,239 --> 01:26:44,324
<i>It's Tuesday.</i>

1245
01:26:44,824 --> 01:26:45,867
<i>It's Thursday!</i>

1246
01:26:46,659 --> 01:26:48,077
<i>How dare you, Ryan!</i>

1247
01:26:48,161 --> 01:26:49,454
Hey, Buddy!

1248
01:26:50,622 --> 01:26:51,623
Knock 'em dead!

1249
01:26:56,002 --> 01:26:57,002
Hey...

1250
01:26:57,754 --> 01:26:59,172
what happened to your shoes?

1251
01:26:59,881 --> 01:27:00,881
Long story.

1252
01:27:01,507 --> 01:27:02,967
<i>Ryan Reynolds, everybody!</i>

1253
01:27:10,642 --> 01:27:12,644
<i>This a crazy story, folks.</i>

1254
01:27:12,936 --> 01:27:17,774
<i>Fifty years ago, a comic was given a shot
on The Ed Sullivan Show</i>

1255
01:27:17,857 --> 01:27:22,028
<i>in this very theater, but for some reason,
it never happened.</i>

1256
01:27:23,404 --> 01:27:27,200
When I heard that he wanted to come back

1257
01:27:27,325 --> 01:27:31,079
and give it a go again
after all that time,

1258
01:27:31,537 --> 01:27:33,623
I was so moved

1259
01:27:34,165 --> 01:27:38,753
that I felt
that I had to help make this happen.

1260
01:27:39,337 --> 01:27:41,172
And so, ladies and gentlemen,

1261
01:27:41,381 --> 01:27:45,593
welcome to the stage,
the great Buddy Green!

1262
01:28:19,627 --> 01:28:20,878
Thank you.

1263
01:28:21,504 --> 01:28:22,755
Thank you.

1264
01:28:23,881 --> 01:28:25,341
You're very kind.

1265
01:28:25,425 --> 01:28:28,011
<i>I want you to know
this is my first comeback</i>

1266
01:28:28,094 --> 01:28:29,887
<i>without someone yelling, "Clear!"</i>

1267
01:28:35,560 --> 01:28:37,812
<i>I've been performing
for the last couple of weeks,</i>

1268
01:28:37,895 --> 01:28:41,816
<i>you know, cutting my teeth
in clubs all across the country</i>

1269
01:28:42,483 --> 01:28:44,110
and I did a little TV, too.

1270
01:28:44,193 --> 01:28:46,612
You may recognize me
from <i>America's Got Dentures.</i>

1271
01:28:49,615 --> 01:28:50,742
See, that's a cheap joke.

1272
01:28:50,825 --> 01:28:53,578
I used to tell a lot of cheap jokes,
but I am done.

1273
01:28:54,287 --> 01:28:55,872
I'm done with cheap jokes.

1274
01:28:55,955 --> 01:28:59,083
Jokes are easy. People email jokes

1275
01:28:59,208 --> 01:29:02,879
and if you have a relative of my age,
you know exactly what I'm talking about

1276
01:29:02,962 --> 01:29:07,967
because there is nothing more dangerous
than an old man attached to the internet.

1277
01:29:09,469 --> 01:29:15,933
We know just enough to type
the word "funny" with one finger...

1278
01:29:16,017 --> 01:29:18,561
My manager wouldn't have done this for me.

1279
01:29:19,812 --> 01:29:21,939
I'm not taking any new clients right now.

1280
01:29:26,152 --> 01:29:27,862
My idea of a remote control

1281
01:29:27,945 --> 01:29:30,156
is telling my grandson
to change the channel.

1282
01:29:32,492 --> 01:29:34,660
And I don't like making fun of old people.

1283
01:29:34,827 --> 01:29:37,205
<i>Growing old is serious business.</i>

1284
01:29:38,748 --> 01:29:41,084
<i>That's why we're angry all the time.</i>

1285
01:29:41,376 --> 01:29:45,838
<i>And what we're really angry at is time
and you can't get angry at time,</i>

1286
01:29:46,089 --> 01:29:50,385
<i>so we take it out on waiters and children
and people who love us.</i>

1287
01:29:50,760 --> 01:29:55,306
Did you ever see an old person
in a restaurant not send the meal back?

1288
01:29:56,557 --> 01:30:00,144
"Give me a perfect frigging meal.
I am about to die."

1289
01:30:02,230 --> 01:30:04,399
<i>So, that's why I don't tell jokes anymore.</i>

1290
01:30:05,566 --> 01:30:06,901
<i>It's a waste of time.</i>

1291
01:30:08,194 --> 01:30:10,613
<i>Life is a big enough joke.</i>

1292
01:30:33,761 --> 01:30:35,930
<i>And that's why we need funny people.</i>

1293
01:30:36,722 --> 01:30:40,643
Not just on TV, but at work, at home...

1294
01:30:41,644 --> 01:30:43,020
at the doctor's office.

1295
01:30:44,272 --> 01:30:49,735
It took me 50 years to figure that out
and I still can't use the remote.

1296
01:30:50,194 --> 01:30:54,490
One more thing.
Ed Sullivan - if you're watching,

1297
01:30:54,574 --> 01:30:55,950
I'm sorry I'm late.

1298
01:30:56,284 --> 01:30:57,285
I'll see you soon.

1299
01:31:41,162 --> 01:31:44,999
<i>Gentlemen, I am well aware
of the unpleasant news</i>

1300
01:31:45,082 --> 01:31:46,584
<i>that I've brought you in the past.</i>

1301
01:31:46,751 --> 01:31:50,213
<i>But I tell you something.
Nothing - and I mean nothing -</i>

1302
01:31:50,296 --> 01:31:51,631
<i>could prepare me for this one.</i>

1303
01:31:51,714 --> 01:31:54,884
Did you hear about Al?

1304
01:31:56,052 --> 01:31:59,305
<i>Apparently, he lost everything.</i>

1305
01:32:00,097 --> 01:32:02,850
<i>Forced to move into
some old folks' home in the Midwest.</i>

1306
01:32:03,893 --> 01:32:07,355
<i>Can you imagine being sent
to a place like that?</i>

1307
01:32:12,568 --> 01:32:13,903
<i>If I could stand up,</i>

1308
01:32:14,445 --> 01:32:16,030
I'd hang myself.