tirkteenth age 2- hooked on the brothers

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ThatDM:
almost heaven

ThatDM:
west virginia

ThatDM:
blue ridge mountain

ThatDM:
sjkdfdhgdfa river
Phatcat:
river, dry land, etc
Agi has connected.

ThatDM:
h

Brenna:
hache

ThatDM:
distracted by the bethany esda presser so let's see if i can do this

Brenna:
I thought you didn't really gaf about BE3

ThatDM:
i dont but i gotta keep up with the twitter shitposting

Lazarre:
oche

Brenna:
I guess that's fair

Brenna:
so our tank fires the words "MORTAL KOMBAT INFERNO", right?

Lazarre:
yea

ThatDM:
ok turning down the volume on that nonsense

Lazarre:
steady as she goes, boys

ThatDM:
The arid desert sand blows in your face as your tank makes a beeline to the GIANT WORM

Brenna:
Oh. So it does. I was thinking of Indiana Jones tanks where the driver's stuck inside

ThatDM:
no it is not an...indiana jones tank? do u think indiana jones invented tanks or something?

ThatDM:
foh

Brenna:
no but that's my go-to reference point for tanks in movies

Brenna:
and taking over them

ThatDM:
Anyway you've made it up to the hull of the ship, I think hull is the proper word here, what do.

Brenna:
Is there a ladder we could try and jump to?

ThatDM:
On the back there's a series of ropes intended to anchor the thing to nearby shores, but in this environment that seems pretty useless so maybe it's an artifact of a bygone era

Brenna:
Well, they must have SOME way of scaling the ship themselves. Maybe a back panel that folds out?

Brenna:
"Can you spot anything that looks like a way in? I have my hands full keeping this thing steady!"

Lazarre:
"I've got a better idea."

Random Kobold:
"Looks like a pain to climb!"

Lazarre:
Lazarre turns to the kobold they've boldnapped

Lazarre:
indeed

Lazarre:
"What's the best way to get inside?"

Random Kobold:
"I got an idea but it'll require you giving me the reigns of this baby"

Brenna:
"I don't think that's such a good idea!"

Lazarre:
"I agree with her, to disagree with you. What's your idea?"

Random Kobold:
"It's simple, the sides of this clustertruck has hatches that are meant for deploying these tanks in the first place; There's easy methods of getting them open but it requires a bit of skill beforehand"

Lazarre:
"Will brute force suffice if skill is lacking?"

Brenna:
"Ooh, I see what you're saying. This thing turns the cannon, right?" Brenna toggles on the sandshield wipers.

Brenna:
"No, no, that wasn't it..."

Random Kobold:
"Yes that's what I was getting at, good show, good show all around"

Random Kobold:
"NOW BLAST OPEN THE DAMN HATCHES! KEEE KEEE!"

Brenna:
I feel like I should roll something for this.;

Lazarre:
clearly just let me do it

Lazarre:
my smite evil gives me a +4 to hit

Brenna:
Smite the button.

Brenna:
Or whatever it is. Trigger?

Lazarre:
hey if it works with bows it works with tanks

Brenna:
I've never been in a tank

Lazarre:
it doesn't work with bows

Lazarre:
damn it

Lazarre:
abort, abort

Random Kobold:
i dont know i dont have the srd open

Brenna:
Brenna, completely unsure how to turn the tank's cannon, instead turns the tank.

Random Kobold:
just roll uuuuhhh just roll 1d20 and ill decide based on whatever is funnier

Brenna:
nah c'mon lemme roll a 1d100

Brenna:
you can't get 69 on a d20

Brenna:
or dubs

Lazarre:
do you have "tank operator" as a background

Brenna:
no.

Brenna:
fiine take your d20 1

Brenna:
oh

Brenna:
I would like to reiterate

Brenna:
I do NOT have "tank operator" as a background.

Lazarre:
oh

Lazarre:
oh man

Lazarre:
oh man oh shit oh man

Random Kobold:
https://youtu.be/1vHRMeRszw4

Brenna:
Brenna... yanks the cord... I guess? Tanks work like lawn mowers now

Random Kobold:
Anyway you push whatever button and then BOOM! Your entire vision goes white and your ears start ringing

Random Kobold:
You fire directly at the ground in front of you, and the recoil+the force of the explosion causes your tank to go flying up in the air

Brenna:
"Aieee!"

Random Kobold:
Right below you, you see the flooring of the rickety ship, with several Kobolds standing below you, keeping guard

Brenna:
Brenna just wraps her arms around the fkn steering wheel

Lazarre:
Lazarre holds the Kobold down with his foot(to make sure he doesn't get flung off of course no other motivation) and grabs Brenna's shoulder, holding on to some part of the tank for steadiness, "WHAT DID YOU DO????"

Brenna:
"I JUST SHOT!"

Lazarre:
okay I don't think they're gonna need me any more

Lazarre:
time for drunk

Brenna:
damn you I have to wait a whole 'nother hour

Random Kobold:
fuk it i guess we're using this as a floorplan

Brenna:
Brenna tries to determine if she'll need to bail out, or if the tank will land right-side up, by some miracle

Kobold3:
"Hey, what's going on up the-" *SQUISH*

Random Kobold:
You all leap off the tank as it lands on the ship, and you're surrounded by Kobolds, who naturally are more than a little miffed

Lazarre:
aw shit i'm in the back

Random Kobold:
"OOoofff!!!...Oh, uh...hey guys! I got the invading scum for you!"

Lazarre:
"Argh..I'll be up there soon! Hang back until I get there!"

Brenna:
"Haa... ha... alright! Stay back!" Brenna pulls out her harmonica. "Just give us Dr. Felix back and no one has to get hurt!"

Kobold2 2:
"Oh, that stuffy-faced colonizer? He's stuffed in the dungeon reeeaaal good. And in due time, and with thorough cooperation, you'll be too!"

Lazarre:
Lazarre decides to uh, up the ante, and pull something actually threatening - his nagispearsword thing, IDK what the fuck this thing looks like, "This isn't a fight you want to instigate. There's five of you, and one of me...you're completely outmatched."

Random Kobold:
"Uuuh, so like, you're sure you wanna fight us? Right here? Don't you think it'll be uh, safer to just make your way to our dungeon?"

Kobold2 1:
"Where we'll make you into a skewer for the dragon god!"

Random Kobold:
"Ok, I think we can calm down on the skewering until uuh tomorrow."

Random Kobold:
The red kobold tugs on his armor, almost motioning you to hold off for now.
Brenna: (( Thrice did his AFK thing ))

Random Kobold:
whats his afk thing
Brenna: (( it's the thing where he goes AFK without saying anything ))

Brenna:
"Oh, well... tomorrow's no good for me, do you think we could hold off until Wednesday?"

Kobold2 1:
"No! Skewering TODAY! TODAY!"

Kobold3:
"Skewer today! Skewer today! Skewer today!"

Random Kobold:
"Okay, okay FINE! Skewer today! Whatever! Just uh, come peacefully?"

Lazarre:
Lazarre thinks it over and, hey, if he can beat these things now he can beat 'em later, may as well find out where the prison IS

Brenna:
"Oh, that... that just won't do at all..."

Brenna:
Brenna nervously acquiesces

Lazarre:
"Fine. I don't typically force others to walk in front of me, butI see no other option here. Lead the ay."

Lazarre:
w

Lazarre:
lmao

Random Kobold:
The red kobold wipes the nonexistent cold blooded sweat off his forehead and breathes a sigh of relief. "Alright you scurvy dogs, come with me and nobody gets a dagger where the sun don't shine!"

Kobold2:
"Uuuh, what are we supposed to do about the tank?"

Random Kobold:
"Iunno, just uuuh, keep it there I guess too heavy to do anything about it now."

ThatDM:
ok back to our scheduled content

Random Kobold:
The Kobolds guide you to a corridor containing a moldy dungeon, where you're kept along with the woozy body of the good Doctor. "And don't even THINK about escaping anytime soon, you hear me?"

Brenna:
"This isn't good... this isn't good at all. We ended up in the dungeon anyway and just made them angrier in the process..."

Brenna:
Brenna sits down in a corner, next to the doctor.

Lazarre:
"All will be fine. We aren't helpless." Is the Kobold still around

Kobold3:
No, but there's another Kobold sitting around keeping watch while holding a key on his belt in a cliche fashion

Lazarre:
I assume they took my spear

Kobold3:
yep they took everything that could be used as a wepin

Kobold3:
Soon the guard Kobold begins to drift off, and as soon as that happens, you hear a knock on the walls of your prison

Brenna:
oh no

Lazarre:
is this where we say "who's there"

Kobold3:
yea i gues

Kobold3:
right after the knock a meek young voice rings out "Hello? Are you awake?" It appears to be a young girl with some indistinct Paletian accent

Lazarre:
god dammit janine

Lazarre:
how do you always end up on these ships

Lazarre:
there's not even water around this one

Lazarre:
Brenna: "yes henlo"
Brenna: (( I'm distracted as fuck by the bethesda thing slash on edge to pick Jason up ))
Brenna: (( and hungry ))
tirkaroKujo:
yea pretty busy sunday all around
Brenna: (( I should probably go take care of all of that ))
Brenna: (( can we break until 8:45? ))
tirkaroKujo:
sure whenever tf that is in EST time
tirkaroKujo:
eastern standard time time

Lazarre:
about 30 minutes from now

Brenna:
I'm back with brookies

Brenna:
if today's going to be a cheat day it's gonna be a good one

ThatDM:
every day is a cheat day at this house

Brenna:
"Are we not alone? Just how many people have they captured?" Brenna wonders aloud to herself.

Lazarre:
"Are you another kobold? Is it our feeding time already?"

Brenna:
"Must you phrase it like that?"
tirkaroKujo:
"Don't worry, besides me, you're the only other warm blooded animals here. I think you're warm blooded anyway? I'm not one to assume."
tirkaroKujo:
"These silly wannabe-dragons think they've got the better of me, but I'm just here because it's a safe hiding spot. What are you hiding in here for?"

Brenna:
are worms warm-blooded?
tirkaroKujo:
they are cold blooded

Brenna:
Interesting.

Brenna:
This has been: Worm Facts

Brenna:
"Hiding? I don't... we aren't hiding, are we?"

Lazarre:
"We could be, if there's anything out there to hide from."

Lazarre:
"Any more dangerous than a nice skewer, that is."

Lazarre:
"Won't you let us out, girl? We have what we came for now."
tirkaroKujo:
"Well I guess we've gotten far enough. Doubt the Unseelie are still around to bother me any longer."
tirkaroKujo:
"Hmm? Do you not know how to let yourself out? I mean, it's just a bunch of measly kobolds..."

Brenna:
"But it's a BUNCH of them, though! And I already used up my spell for the day! If I even had my focus..."
tirkaroKujo:
"Ah, I understand. Haven't had to use any spells all day myself. Well, I suppose you leave me with no choice..."

Lazarre:
"Any method I have would alert the rest of the Kobolds to ou--"

Lazarre:
that is what you're about to do isn't it

INBigBulletBlu:
A blinding, purple light sears through the walls of the ship, making a giant obvious beacon that something fucky is going down to everyone aboard the ship, but at least you got some of the walls crumbling down

Dr. Felix:
The good doctor jumps up in shock. "AAAH! Ooooh? Hoo!? What was that!?!?!?!"

Brenna:
"Doctor! You're up!"

Dr. Felix:
"Blimey, my achin'...where are we? This doesn't look like the sunless city at all!"

Lazarre:
"...that was powerful magic... If I'd known you were going to do that, I'd have gotten us out myself. Nevertheless, thank you...whoever you are."

Cloaked Figure:
A figure wrapped in blankets and not holding the staff as pictured pokes through the burnt hole. "Oh, did I overdo it? You're okay, right?"

Brenna:
Thank you for moving the ?

Brenna:
"Nothing that wasn't there already, but - that was amazing! How did you learn to do something like that?"

Lazarre:
"I don't think anyone was hurt. But you've made quite the scene here. I'd be amazed if those kobolds didn't swarm us any second."

Cloaked Figure:
"Oh no, they're doing that right now. Dust just hasn't cleared yet."

Kobold3:
"GUAH!? I need backup! I need backup! Quick!"

Random Kobold:
"Hey, what are you OOOH NOOOOO, WHAT ARE YOU DOOIINNG??!?!"

Lazarre:
"...fighting our way out of here, it looks like. Stay behind me, all of you!"

Brenna:
way ahead of you tbh

Brenna:
wait no

Kobold2:
a gaggle of Kobolds swarm the entryway! What do

Cloaked Figure:
"Oooh? Big guy on campus, huh? I'll see how you can handle this conundrum.

Lazarre:
Not Well

Lazarre:
i REALLY

Brenna:
"Your time to shine, Lazarre! I believe in you!"

Lazarre:
bapps lock

Lazarre:
Really gotta disarm one of these shits

Lazarre:
bc fighting unarmed is not good

Brenna:
Well

Brenna:
I stole the kobold's dagger earlier

Brenna:
but he probably reclaimed that.

Lazarre:
Welp let's do this

Kobold2:
cmon do u really need me to roll initiative these guys aint gonna be around long

Lazarre:
Aight then

Lazarre:
Unless they kill us all.

Lazarre:
There's not really any context to tell us how threatening these things are

Lazarre:
so i mean forgive me for being a little cautious

Lazarre:
o

Lazarre:
I don't havem uch of an idea of what my agency is here or what I can uh, do. Should I just attack and roll damage

Brenna:
Throw a barrel at them.

Lazarre:
I COULD

Lazarre:
Or I could chuck one of them INTO a barrel and THEN throw it.

Brenna:
100

Brenna:
the DK one not the emoji one

Kobold2:
You will be penalized if you attack directly obv

Lazarre:
Lazarre's hand creeps out from under his cloak lightning-quick, as he grabs at the nearest 'bold, trying to snatch him up

Brenna:
I need to have access to SOME sort of instrument in order to do anything magic

Brenna:
slapping my thighs doesn't count

Lazarre:
tie a string around janine's staff and play it

Brenna:
I don't think she'd give it to me

Cloaked Figure:
eh u can just ask

Cloaked Figure:
roll attack for that i guess

Lazarre:
17 just gonna uh roll Strength I guess?

Kobold2:
Oh noo babe what are u doiiinnn

Lazarre:
Gon' twist his wrist and take the dagger, then shove him into the barrel and toss it at the group of em

Lazarre:
alternatively, slam it down onto them

Lazarre:
so it counts as a melee attack and I can smite evil

Lazarre:
So yeah, I'mma smite these assholes. I get one per battle free anyway

Lazarre:
may as well make use of it

Kobold2:
https://youtu.be/O39ixB3hPR8

Lazarre:
hell, my trickery shit is once per battle too

Lazarre:
19 It lets me use That Thing Rei Had In Wayfare

Lazarre:
nice

Lazarre:
Once per battle as a quick action when you are engaged with an enemy, roll a d20 that we’ll refer to as your trick die. As a free action before the start of your next turn, give your trick die to a nearby ally or enemy who is about to make an attack roll. The trick die result becomes the natural result of their roll instead.

Lazarre:
So yeah, I'm giving it to myself

Lazarre:
26 Eat my ass, kobolds

Brenna:
You count as a nearby ally?

Kobold2:
that seems suspicious but ill allow it anyway

BarrelNSMBW:
You bowl over the entire swarm of Kobolds in front of you with a barrel flowing with divine power!

Brenna:
"Ha haa! He did it!"

BarrelNSMBW:
or something im not really sure how to interpret that

Cloaked Figure:
"Nice job there. But I think you missed one...."

Random Kobold:
"Eeeep!" The red Kobold runs for the hills

Cloaked Figure:
"You can run but you can't hide!"

Dr. Felix:
"*Ahem* Good show there! Now, how do we make it off this blasted contraption?"

Brenna:
"I think I should... until we find where they put our stuff, at least..." Brenna hoists the lid off one of the remaining barrels. "Uuuunf, that's heavier than I thought! ...No, I'll keep an eye out."

Brenna:
"Little red was talking about some hatches down by the ground level where the tanks come out."

Lazarre:
I think it...might not work, but IDK if there's any actual FAQ for that, for 13th age

Lazarre:
"Do you need any help with that?"

Brenna:
"So there's a way, if we can make it down there! We couldn't spot any ladders on the outside, and... I'm sorry, it didn't look like your vehicle made it."

Lazarre:
that said, that entire ability(the ability to take Cleric domans) states you should rework the domain to work with paladin stuff

Lazarre:
so who knows maybe we could say i can only use it on myself when smiting

Brenna:
"Unless you can punch out a hole in the middle I don't know how much you can help. I'd need to be able to carry it myself."

Kobold2 3:
From afar, you hear a voice ring out. "What!?! They escaped!? AND the witch is loose too!?"

Lazarre:
"I could do that."

Lazarre:
"But we should get out of here."

Brenna:
"I need to rig up an instrument of some kind or I'm basically dead weight here..."

Kobold2 3:
"Thats it! We're bringing the big guns! Wake up the 'Bold Brothers this instant! I don't care if they get cranky at this hour!"

Lazarre:
read that as Boid Brothers

Lazarre:
thank god, they'd def be angery

Brenna:
god dammit

Lazarre:
brb, need more liquid to mix with alcs

Brenna:
do you just have the entire bacardi up there

Dr. Felix:
"Oh, they took your weapons, did they? That's not good....no good at all..."

Dr. Felix:
The barrels here are filled with sand and water for some reason

Dr. Felix:
"Let's get a move on! Maybe they have them stored around here...."

Dr. Felix:
(or you could just check the kobold bodies idk what theyd have tho)

Lazarre:
okay see the water i understand, as we are in a desert

Lazarre:
but the sand i do not, as we are in a desert

Lazarre:
what do you need more sand for

Brenna:
their litter boxes

Lazarre:
Sure what do the bolds have

Brenna:
restraining orders

Lazarre:
I took a dagger off the one I barrel'd

Brenna:
you just got got

Brenna:
So you can just smite a perfect circle in the barrel lid for me then?

Dr. Felix:
They got daggers, spears, and pickle extractors

Brenna:
ooh shit better stock up

Lazarre:
Sure I'll take a shitty kobold spear

Lazarre:
And yeah I can probably punch a hole in the lid

Brenna:
same

Lazarre:
Demon skin p tough

Brenna:
I'll also take a dagger

Brenna:
gonna have to sacrifice a payot to make strings

Lazarre:
just take two and play em like a violin

Brenna:
actually no the payots are perfect I'll grab it from the ponytail

Lazarre:
Aight let's get this show on the road

Lazarre:
You get your instrument, I got a shiddy spear

Lazarre:
And a dagger I guess

Lazarre:
Is Missus Roboto still around

Cloaked Figure:
She's chasing the red kobold through the halls

Lazarre:
Sure Lazarre takes the barrel lid, holds it up in one hand, and just fkn straight fists that motherfucker, knocking out the center

Lazarre:
Leaving a slightly smoldering, glowing hole

Lazarre:
so probably burned it out really, with divinity

Lazarre:
idk how it works asks Clockwork Angel

Brenna:
"This will make do. Barely, but..." Brenna stretches some of her hair across, plays a few notes, creating a wobbly orb of sound which she smacks forward with the improvised harp.

Brenna:
"Good enough!"

Lazarre:
Any clues to where our shitte may be

Lazarre:
Big glowing neon "YOUR SHIT'S OVER HERE" signs

Lazarre:
arrow made of kobold daggers

Kobold2 3:
"Are the brothers awake!? Are they awa-" you suddenly hear a smacking sound as a comedic "WAAHaahaahaahaahoooeey" drifts off into the distance

Lazarre:
silly string writing out "THIRD DOOR FROM THE RIGHT"

Random Kobold:
No real clues from here. *Pant pant* "Yeah, yeah, I overheard you. I think your crap is up on the top deck. I'd be careful if I were you....eep!"

Lazarre:
"Stay behind me! I'll take the brunt of their attack."

Lazarre:
not that attack tho

Lazarre:
don't think i'm high enough level to take that

Lazarre:
aw man we can FLY now

Lazarre:
wah

Lazarre:
what're we gonna do in the void

Random Kobold:
you're still beneath the ship dont get any funny ideas yet

Brenna:
"Hold on! You shouldn't have to take anything!" Brenna grimaces and strums, conjuring up a static image of Lazarre. It moves at roughly 5 FPS.

Brenna:
"Those things sound like trouble..."

Brenna:
"...And it's you again? You're being strangely helpful for someone who was just trying to kill us!"

Lazarre:
he's red, clearly a late-game palette swap enemy

Random Kobold:
There's steps ahead of you leading to the actual deck of the ship. "Yeah, yeah, I can't help it, I was always a softy compared to my contemporaries"

Lazarre:
"...a copy of me, hm? We both dislike straightforwardness in a fight, don't we."

Lazarre:
"Cloaked woman! Stop hounding that kobold, already. They're no threat, and it's unsportsmanlike."

Brenna:
"Straightforwardness will only get you killed faster!"

Cloaked Figure:
"Gotcha! Now bear my neko bla- Oh, really? That's a shame."

Cloaked Figure:
"Wow, there's like two of you. So how do you plan on getting out of this place? Seems they've already sounded for the big bad brothers to clean the floor with you."

Brenna:
"If we can get down to that tank room that LIttle Red mentioned, we can simply drive out of here and get on our way!"

Lazarre:
"I'd...like to find my weapon, first. It's an old one. It may even be considered an antique nowadays."

Random Kobold:
"Well, getting to the tank room from here while unarmed is quite the dangerous feat, I'll tell you that..."

Lazarre:
"I'd highly suggest you stay with me. It wouldn't be safe for you to go off on your own without a guardian."

Lazarre:
"Not to mention, I don't know how I feel about that idea. They're much slower than this worm. Any progress we made would be overrun quickly."

Brenna:
"It'd still be faster than on foot..."

Lazarre:
"I say we take these brothers they're so proud of on, thrash them, and seize control of their base here. Defeat the general, and his army becomes yours."

Lazarre:
"Fleeing won't do us much good, I fear, when their transport is so much quicker than ours."

Lazarre:
"If you're afraid to fight, we could find the engine room and sabotage it so they can't follow us."

Lazarre:
"...ah, no, this is entirely powereed by the worm, isn't it?"

Lazarre:
"We'd have to kill it."

Brenna:
"I already made my best effort on that. It's sturdy!"

Cloaked Figure:
"Yep, definitely a stable one that worm. Don't think even I could kill the thing!"

Lazarre:
"We could wipe out the kobolds, but that would be excessive, even cruel. They're so much weaker than us."

Brenna:
"So... do we really fight, then?"

Brenna:
"I can't take care of a whole army! They don't even have food!"

Lazarre:
"....that's true, but would this be the thief that stole it?"

Cloaked Figure:
"Iunno. If you wanna. I'm just here to lay low."

Lazarre:
"I didn't hear of any other prisoners."

Cloaked Figure:
"Yeah, they took all the radishes, dont worry. Not like I had much use for them myself."

Cloaked Figure:
"Taste is way too strong for me."

Random Kobold:
"Well good news, since the brothers are awake, I doubt the rest of the crew will bother..."

Random Kobold:
"Bad news is that the brothers are awake."

Random Kobold:
"At the very least you can take solace in the fact that they're not very bright, so one can easily sneak on by them"

Lazarre:
"I'd like to see a kobold that could match a demon in brute strength, or a human in intellect."

Brenna:
"He's right there, Lazarre!"

Brenna:
"Do you have to be so mean?"

Random Kobold:
"No, I'm used to it by now. If you're so confident, it should be easy to get to the deck from here

Random Kobold:
"'course, I ain't gonna reason with those brutes. So for me, sneaking is the best option..."

Lazarre:
"I don't plan to reason with them, either. I'll leave it to you, Brenna. Sneak by, and try to escape this beast, or fight and deter them?"

Brenna:
"I'd be better off sneaking past, really..."

Brenna:
"You're a hot shot, but it'd still be two on one!"

Lazarre:
oh i'm sure the good doctor would hgelp

Lazarre:
"Well, we can give it a shot. I'm no master sneak, myself."

Brenna:
"But it's the doctor I'm worried about. My magic can keep him covered up, but..." She smiles sheepishly, and plays a few notes. "Hard to really keep a low profile doing that! I'll just have to run along."

Brenna:
"But you need to find your weapon."

Lazarre:
"I do. And it's on the top deck. Where the brothers liekly are."

Brenna:
"If they're as slow as Little Red was saying... I could keep them involved in a fight with your double for a while. Give you time to search."

Brenna:
"But I barely saw you fight! It'll hardly be a convincing illusion."

Lazarre:
"They've never seen me fight, either."

Brenna:
"Oh! You're right!"

Lazarre:
"Have it swing its spear. That will be enough."

Lazarre:
"If anything threatens you, I'll come to your aid, spear or not."

Random Kobold:
"Oh get on with it already! I hear them coming! I'm out!"

Brenna:
"Doctor! Barrel!"

Brenna:
Brenna ushers him towards one that hopefully isn't filled with sand.

Dr. Felix:
"Right! Barrel you go!"

Lazarre:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IStKiCHkHqk

Brenna:
why is this a thing?

Lazarre:
So we're gonna try and sneak around, find wherever they keep the weapons

Lazarre:
I 100% assume one of the brothers will be using it

Lazarre:
bc barrel

Lazarre:
ah good

Lazarre:
he only breaks AXES

Lazarre:
i am safe

Lazarre:
unless he confuses a naginata for a really long axe

Barry 'Bold:
"WEELLLL a yo-ho-ho and a yuppity dum, my IQ is very low, imma pirate and I'm dumb, well you might be hidin' in a barrel in the dark but once i walk ye down the plank I'll be feedin ya to sharks!"

Breakaxe 'Bold:
"Where...where are they Barry...you told me there are demi-humies out here....I was promised demi-humies to skewer...."

Brenna:
Shit, they have a bard too

Breakaxe 'Bold:
so how you gonna go about distracting these fukrs

Brenna:
well first off I'm going to get to high ground just in fkn case

Brenna:
I feel like Lazarre should actually be there for the START of the encounter, land a solid hit or two to sell the illusion as real

Brenna:
and I'll replace him with my copy soon after so he can search

Lazarre:
Sure I'm cool with that

Lazarre:
I'm just gonna go all in then

Brenna:
"Oh, so you think we're HIDING, huh?" The 'bold was right about one party member, at least. Best to get them off the trail.

Lazarre:
Lazarre pops out from behind a crate, brandishing his shitty-ass kobold spear, "You'll have a tough time skewering anything with that. One of these," He waves the spear around, "Is much more suited for it. Why don't I show you?"

Barry 'Bold:
"Why I aughta....it's them! Thems the pests who ruined my perfectly good naptime! I'm gonna clobber you into next Nazaretheos Eve!"

Lazarre:
I think, atm, it's actually Real Lazarre up there

Barry 'Bold:
21 21

Lazarre:
"I'd like to see you try. Kobolds don't frighten me."

Lazarre:
"My scales are tougher, and my will stronger."

Lazarre:
And my me deader

Lazarre:
judging by those attack rolls

Lazarre:
oh that was init.

Lazarre:
nice.

Barry 'Bold:
theyre init rolls actually

Brenna:
good

Brenna:
good.

Lazarre:
9 I literally can't beat it

Brenna:
12 they were good rolls

Lazarre:
Oh uh

Brenna:
right, plus level I think, but that doesn't matter

Lazarre:
Can we assume I cast Hammer of Faith before this pls

Barry 'Bold:
sure why not

Barry 'Bold:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRVAj-Vk9IU

Lazarre:
oh henlo

Barry 'Bold:
Barry lifts the crate you were taking cover under and slams you with it! 19

Lazarre:
That hits

Lazarre:
Damn I have so many things I need my quick action for rn

Lazarre:
Lay on Hands, Trickery Die, Invocation of Trickery

Barry 'Bold:
Barry knocks you over the head for 10 damage!

Lazarre:
guess I can use two if I don't move

Breakaxe 'Bold:
Breakaxe grabs ahold of a nearby rope and swings across it, rotating his body like a spinning top as he brandishes his axe!

Lazarre:
"Ghr...Even a kobold can use the environment to their advantage, huh.."

Brenna:
god damn that's cool lol

Breakaxe 'Bold:
10

Breakaxe 'Bold:
This little yo yo trick demolishes the ground Brenna is standing on, but she herself is ok i guess

Brenna:
"No no no no no!" Brenna dives underneath the attack, bouncing off Barry's head and springing to the lower platform

Barry 'Bold:
"owch!"

Breakaxe 'Bold:
"Kee keeeh! Clever girl!" The kobold continues to hold onto the rope, suspending himself in the air
Brenna has received initiative.

Lazarre:
fish
Brenna: (( So there's quick actions and standard actions...? Are Quick actions like, super defined as "things you can do if you use this type of technique?" ))

Fish 3:
also there was fish in that crate

Lazarre:
Quick actions: These actions are quick acts like drawing weapons, opening unlocked doors, picking something light off the ground, and reloading a light crossbow.

Brenna:
Gotcha. Could kicking this barrel be considered a quick action?

Fish 3:
idk but ill allow it

Lazarre:
Standard actions: Usually these actions are attacks, or else spells so good that they’re worth casting in place of an attack. Move actions: Usually these actions involve moving from one part of the battle to another, or maybe just moving a couple steps to a new opponent. Occasionally, a move action might involve some other type of activity like opening a difficult door.

Lazarre:
pls don't miss

Lazarre:
i do not want to be hit by BARREL

Brenna:
Brenna's main concern right now is the swinging whirlwind of Breakaxe Bold, but her art is drawn in such a way that she can't NOT kick the barrel,'

Brenna:
She strums some notes and fires a slow-moving note up towards the anchor of Bold's rope, hoping to send him far off course when he pushes himself off again. She also pushes herself off the barrel, sending its contents toppling over Barry.

Brenna:
Either Dex or Charisma for the first and Strength for the latter I imagine

Fish 3:
do char for the first, and str for the latter

Brenna:
5 3

Brenna:
m

Lazarre:
ohhhh nooooo

Brenna:
I may just fail to push it.

Breakaxe 'Bold:
You don't get the barrel on Barry himself, instead u just sorta ineffectually topple it down

ExplodingBarrel 1:
good news tho is that it's filled with a strange, slippery liquid that spills out below Barry and Lazarre's feet

Breakaxe 'Bold:
that harp note sorta fails to do anything tho he just kinda swings out of the way
Lazarre has received initiative.

Lazarre:
Lazarre hops backward as the liquid creeps toward him, and observes his surroundings. His eyes glow with divine, burning light as he devises a ploy, "Hmm..."

Brenna:
got a backup strat for Breakaxe at least

Lazarre:
I'm going to roll my trick die since I'm engaged with this guy

Lazarre:
10

Lazarre:
Damn

Breakaxe 'Bold:
and what was that supposed to do

Lazarre:
It just lets me sub it for any attack roll made by a nearby ally or enemy

Lazarre:
I was hoping for an odd number

Lazarre:
But, since I didn't get one, I'll use Lay on Hands on myself, subbing my actual move action for another Quick one

Lazarre:
5 And thus spending a recovery to heal myself

Lazarre:
I didn't actually disengage with this guy, ftr

Lazarre:
Just stepped backward for effect

Barry 'Bold:
so when does teh clone come into place here....

Lazarre:
After I actually hit somebody

Lazarre:
Which I'm going to attempt to do now

Lazarre:
Gonna Smite of course

Lazarre:
Lazarre spins his spear around and stabs toward Big Bopper! 16

Lazarre:
I hope that hits

Barry 'Bold:
You hit, but Barry kinda tanks the blow. "Ow...that may have actually stung a lil..."

Lazarre:
Do I not roll damage then

Barry 'Bold:
roll damage

Lazarre:
17

Brenna:
seems respectable

Lazarre:
it's p high for L1

Lazarre:
Hammer of Faith makes all my weapon dice D12s

Brenna:
nice

Lazarre:
this will matter much more at higher levels

Lazarre:
you roll a die per level.

Barry 'Bold:
Barry 'Bold loses 8 hit points.

Lazarre:
And the extra d12 is from smite

Lazarre:
danng

Barry 'Bold:
you actually went under his AC but w/e I'll be merciful here

Lazarre:
well to be fair

Brenna:
oh

Lazarre:
it does half damage on miss

Lazarre:
due to smite evil

Lazarre:
so

Barry 'Bold:
dam....

Lazarre:
that's exactly how much he should have lost

Barry 'Bold:
are u a clone yet

Brenna:
He will be once my turn rolls around

Lazarre:
"And that was with but a graze. Don't force me to use my full strength."

Lazarre:
I too have Charisma, and can bluff

Lazarre:
hold on

Lazarre:
Is he going to attack me

Barry 'Bold:
"Don't worry, where you're goin', you won't need an ounce of your strength to begin with!" Barry walks forward 19

Barry 'Bold:
he does not slip on the liquid

Lazarre:
I'm going to use my trick die

Lazarre:
to make his roll a 10

Lazarre:
Not THAT roll

Lazarre:
His attack roll

Barry 'Bold:
Barry is getting ready to grab you like Zangief

Brenna:
more like Hakan

Barry 'Bold:
"NEED A HUG!?" Barry tries to grab you with his giant grabby hands

Barry 'Bold:
"Whoops!" But he misses, falling into all that fish

Lazarre:
Lazarre bumps the big boi away with his shield, sneering, "Just like your little friends, you made the mistake of assuming my mindset was all knight, no demon."

Lazarre:
"Or...divinity? I'm really not sure from whence my powers come now."

Lazarre:
yo I can't grab he tail can I

Breakaxe 'Bold:
"I ain't missing this time!" The breakaxe becomes a whirling demon- i mean i guess u can try

Lazarre:
let's just say I took a barrel lid for a shield

Lazarre:
since I likely do not have my actual one

Brenna:
My plan rn is to telepor' up to the top of the rope

Lazarre:
Damm can u telepor' as an interrupt

Brenna:
n

Brenna:
unfortunately

Brenna:
but he'll still have his momentum when my turn rolls around, I imagine

Brenna:
I'm going to yank on the rope with my legs and try to send him flying as far as I can, into a pole or something

Breakaxe 'Bold:
so u gonna try grabbing the tail or what

Lazarre:
Yeah I am

Lazarre:
What do I roll? Just an attack roll?

Lazarre:
Or Dex or something?

Breakaxe 'Bold:
i ges

Lazarre:
5 This is with no stat mods, just level

Lazarre:
I

Lazarre:
don't think any stat I have will help that.

Brenna:
likely not

Breakaxe 'Bold:
you successfully grab onto the tail

Lazarre:
oh no

Breakaxe 'Bold:
however he's spinning so fast, you become a blur as you're carried by his momentum

Lazarre:
"I'll pro--GAH!" Lazarre's plan has failed, foiled by the tailed

Breakaxe 'Bold:
aaaand 1

Brenna:
ok that was a 1d2 not a 1d20

Breakaxe 'Bold:
You fly over Brenna and into the boarding below

Lazarre:
i am fine with this

Lazarre:
just throw out my illusion and pretend like i burst out from below

Brenna:
take 3d20 falling damage and 4 injuries

Lazarre:
smonk

Lazarre:
or just make one in the smonk

Brenna:
yeh

Lazarre:
Do I take any damage tirk

Breakaxe 'Bold:
you take 5 damage

Lazarre:
Lazar digs himself out of the boards, slowly, "Ugh... I hope she can get away..." Thank god for demon skin or else he'd be in a world of splinters

Brenna:
Does Breakaxe still have a proper attack roll to make vs me?

Lazarre:
a splinter cell if you would

Lazarre:
bob, steve, etc

Breakaxe 'Bold:
Sure does! 10

Brenna:
wew

Breakaxe 'Bold:
Breakaxe just destroys all the boxes below you, sending a bunch of junk flying off
Brenna has received initiative.

Brenna:
Brenna vanishes in a puff of smoke just before impact!

Breakaxe 'Bold:
"Dirty trickster!"

Brenna:
She reappears far above deck, grasping onto anchor point of Breakaxe's rope!

Brenna:
she wraps her legs around the rope and heaves with all her might in an attempt to sway him off course! 5 lol strength gimme my 3rd nat 1

Brenna:
still my best roll of the night tbh

Breakaxe 'Bold:
You successfully maange to do so! You get your leg caught in the rope tho

Barry 'Bold:
"Ugh, what's going o- BREAKAXE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?"

Breakaxe 'Bold:
"I CANT STOP IIIITTT"

Brenna:
"Hnngh!" Brenna's grip on the hook is quickly broken as her leg gets twisted around the rope. She lets go...

Lazarre:
i see the world through different eyes just for tonight also all my blood is rushing to my head

Lazarre:
what color blood do i have

Lazarre:
is my head getting bluer? greenish?

Lazarre:
purple??

Brenna:
white

Brenna:
it's white

Lazarre:
i could have white blood

Barry 'Bold:
"GRRR!" Barry tries to stop the rapid spinning of Breakaxe's attack with his bare hands, making a whirring sound, like a buzzsaw against steel

Barry 'Bold:
thats be 2lood
Lazarre has received initiative.

Lazarre:
Well they're distracted

Lazarre:
Is this treasure chest, like

Lazarre:
Locked

Lazarre:
"I'

Lazarre:
"I'll use the time she's given my wisely..."

Barry 'Bold:
weirdly enough no its not locked

Barry 'Bold:
its full of weapons

Barry 'Bold:
a few just so happen to be yours

Big +5 Fish of Slappin':
this is an OP weapon but u gotta carry around a giant fish with you

Lazarre:
There's enough blue people here

Lazarre:
We couldn't even take Kittie along with us

Lazarre:
let alone a fish

Lazarre:
I'll take my spear and the frying pan

Lazarre:
If it rains, I can use it as a drying pan, remaining strategically dry

Brenna:
Since one of my legs is trapped anyway I'll buckle down and wrap my other leg around, try to slow my fall through friction long enough to grab the rope upside down with my hands

Lazarre:
Hm, is this all my actions, or can I do something else

Big +5 Fish of Slappin':
good idea

Lazarre:
Brenna is making my illusion move right

Big +5 Fish of Slappin':
idk what do u think u can do

Big +5 Fish of Slappin':
probably not much

Brenna:
I uh

Brenna:
I cannot do that in my present condition.

Brenna:
I'll get it going as soon as I can but I don't have a hand to play with

Brenna:
just keeping the harp held under my chin rn

Lazarre:
That's fair

Lazarre:
I was going to like

Lazarre:
Take a bow from the chest and shoot an arrow or the knif

Lazarre:
to give the illusion's attacks sopme sense of tangibility

Lazarre:
Trying to time it with the illusion's swings

Barry 'Bold:
"GRRR...." Barry throws Breakaxe up into the sky, the rope snapping in the process!

Lazarre:
But yeah I'll get my shield, my bow, my spear, etc

Lazarre:
And anyting of Brenna's

Lazarre:
does it have her instrument or nah

Barry 'Bold:
it does

Brenna:
I had a basic-ass blackjack to go with it

Barry 'Bold:
The giant kobold gives a thousand-yard staredown as he huffs and puffs. "You're pretty good at this, you know that? But you're still lightyears away from matching with me..."

Brenna:
"Not agaaain!"

Brenna:
I want to cast Mending real quick to repair the rope as it's shredded - but I don't think I have the time to. Or the insane level of focus

ThatDM:
ya damn right we dont have the time to

Lazarre:
Ya gotta sneep, boi

ThatDM:
im about ready to clonk out so say what u gotta say mid-battle

Lazarre:
I'm way tf over here so y'know

Brenna:
uhh

Brenna:
maybe I could roll for damage for slamming the whirlwinding blade guy into his friendo

ThatDM:
sure do that

Brenna:
give me one more roll to potentially succeed at

Brenna:
what should I roll?

ThatDM:
fuck i guess str again

Brenna:
er

Brenna:
well it'd be his Attack roll so 14

Brenna:
that would not get past his insane AC so w/e

Barry 'Bold:
Same thing as before happens, but Barry's hands are visibly friction'd up. "I keep tellin' him, that move be dangerous..."

ThatDM:
*drum and bass plays* The tides of battle are intense, but can Lazarre and Brenna defeat slash escape from the fabled 'Bold brothers in this double-duel to the finish? Find out on the next hopefully-not-distracted-by-E3 episode of tirkteenth age ResidentSleeper

ThatDM:
honestly its kind of a minor miracle we even had a session at all today

Brenna:
maybe a lil bit

Brenna:
At least I have an excuse for my shit rolls this session in being blind

Lazarre:
wait blind

Lazarre:
Does she wear glasses or someting

Brenna:
No it's just nighttime and I can't see moonlight

Lazarre:
elves can't see moonlight?

Lazarre:
the fuck

Lazarre:
how does that

Brenna:
Oh they can

Brenna:
I can't

Lazarre:
wait why not

Brenna:
it's a rare birth defect

Lazarre:
fair i suppose

Lazarre:
that's a strange OUT

Lazarre:
"I'

Lazarre:
"I'm a demon"

Lazarre:
"I'm nightblind"

Lazarre:
"not enough carrots in the world to save me"

Brenna:
yeah well I was kind of at a loss so I had to come up with something

Brenna:
Just literally can't see any light reflected off the moon bc reasons

Brenna:
Not even convinced it exists really

Lazarre:
well since the seesion is over are you going to sneep or do u wanna play smash against drunk me

Brenna:
I'd play a few