The Surprising Adventures of Sir Anonymous Beef Wellington

Feb 24th, 2017
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  1. The Surprising Adventures of Sir Anonymous Beef Wellington, and His Trusted Sidekick Derpy
  2. By IceMan
  4. >In a world wracked by perils, trials, and tribulations of all kinds, who will stand up for goodness, righteousness, and Apple Family Reserve for the low, low price of just 30 bits?
  5. >Yes! It’s the Surprising Adventures of You: Sir Anonymous Beef Wellington, and your Trusted Sidekick, Derpy.
  6. >The story so far: as usual, you and your Trusted Sidekick are hot on the trail of your Nemesis, Some Bastard, who is presumably responsible.
  7. >In today’s episode, you find yourself as you usually do: finding refuge in a dark alley due to your Nemesis’s control of all the lawful institutions in the world.
  8. >Dressed in your fine leather trenchcoat and hunter’s cap, you roll out of the heavy blanket over you and drink a dredge from a green glass bottle of the finest bourbon five quid can buy, when suddenly, you spot a stallion in a black overcoat and a large hat.
  9. “Look, Derpy! An agent of my Nemesis!”
  10. >Derpy arouses herself from her respective slumber on the other side of the alley and waddles over to you, taking a sip from her can, which you gleefully wrench from her grasp, before pointing and jumping ecstatically towards the passing villain, his top hat and shiny wallet sure to contain some clue to the enemy’s plot.
  11. “Quickly, Derpy. Assail him while I search his pockets for evidence of nefarious deeds,” you say.
  12. >“Yes, sir!” Derpy says with a curt nod, before tackling the pony to the ground.
  13. >Shouting out your distinctive theme melody, you rustle through the colt’s pockets, looking for any sign of any information that might be relevant.
  14. >You quickly come up with a fat wallet, a pocket watch, and a picture of a woman named “Roseluck.”
  15. >The colt wriggles free and takes off, yelling for the authorities, assuredly under your Nemesis’s control.
  16. >“Should I catch him, sir?” your sidekick asks.
  17. “Not to worry, Derpy,” you say breathlessly as she brushes herself off. “We can make it back to the base of operations now, to analyze the evidence.”
  18. >The two of you scuttle back to your secret base at the local Wet Whistle Liquor Store, placing a fat wad of bits on the counter to buy as many eight-ounce bottles of Stalliongrad Standard as you can.
  19. >Back behind the Greased Slut bordello, you down as many bottles as you can while examining the evidence with a broken magnifying lens, pointed backwards in the most efficient manner.
  20. >“Have you found anything, sir?” Derpy asks.
  21. “Unfortunately not,” you say, suppressing the urge to dry heave. “Wait! This photograph is clearly of… Roseluck….”
  22. >“Oh, yeah. She lives over on Sixth Street, I think.”
  23. “Then I must say Derpy, we should visit her at once. It might be the key to catching my Nemesisis.”
  24. >Escaping the sights of your Nemesis’s agents, disguised as members of local law enforcement, you rush over to Roseluck’s apartment and bang heavily on the door, wheezing from your brief jog.
  25. >The fine dame makes her way out to the door.
  26. >“What in Tartarus? Who the hell are you? What are you doing here? Shoo! I’m not giving you bums any money,” she says.
  27. “Please, Lady Roseluck. I’m on the hunt for my Nemesis and -” you begin to say, but not before the lady can cut you off.
  28. >“How do you know my - nevermind, I’m calling the police.”
  29. >She heads inside to get the telephone.
  30. >You turn to Derpy.
  31. “Dammit! She’s already facing Stockholm Syndrome.”
  32. >“What’s that?” Derpy asks.
  33. “No matter, Derpy. I will now cure it through my hypnotic skills.”
  34. >You step through the door and pull out a broken pocketwatch, a shard of glass still stuck in its permanently opened face.
  35. “Miss Roseluck? If you could kindly look at my watch then I could -”
  36. >“Did I say you could come in here?” she says. “Leave! Go! And you’re tracking filth all over the carpet, you smell like alcohol and… oh Celestia…. “
  37. >“If you’d just listen to me for a moment, I can explain -”
  38. “Get out!”
  39. >“Right! You leave me no choice then!”
  40. >You deck her so hard it sends her spinning into her marble countertop and out cold on the floor.
  41. “Derpy!” you shout. “Get in here. Help me search the house for clues.”
  42. >Unfortunately, you don’t find any further clues to this plot, so you are forced to assume that Roseluck was only a red herring.
  43. >However, you do find a nearly full bottle of cooking sherry in the fridge, two packs of Filthy Rich’s Filthiest Richest Cigarettes, and a few silver baubles that you can probably pawn for a few quid to pay for more.
  44. >You hustle out the back window into an alley just as the authorities arrive, and are again on the run from your Nemesis’s fiendish boys in blue.
  45. >Unfortunately, it seems that they’ve planned ahead, and a wagon quickly pulls up and cuts off your path of escape.
  46. “Curses!” you cry out, as you flip to run the other way, only to remember the policemen already chasing you.
  47. >You turn around again, but then remember the police wagon already waiting there.
  48. >Once more you turn around, only to remember the policemen rapidly approaching with their dreaded blunt clubs.
  49. >You try to turn once more, but your nimble legs escape you for a brief moment, and you trip over your sidekick and smack against the unforgiving moist dirt.
  50. >As you and your Trusted Sidekick Derpy are rudely trundled into the wagon, you can only wonder how your Nemesis got so far ahead of your quick wits and physical prowess.
  51. >How can the forces of goodness stand idly by as you fight for all that is just?
  52. >Why does no one but your partner seem to recognize your struggle?
  53. >Why does the price of booze seem to be ever increasing such that it’s just beyond your reach?
  54. >Will you ever find your Nemesis and figure out his evil scheme?
  55. >Who can answer these questions, and others that you may or may not have?
  56. >Find out next time in the Adventures of Sir Anonymous Beef Wellington.
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