amber

Video Diary 17: 5:47 PM. 4 Subscribers] It happened again. I went to the bathroom in class, and I got shoved into the stall by her. I don't know what happened, it was all so fast... [There's a sniffing noise, as the camera readjusts to focus on Amber's face- pale, freckled, a bit misshapen. Her nose appears to have been broken a few times. She has a black eye, and short brown hair.] I think I got knocked out, because next thing I know I was on the floor, and they were... you know. I've told you all this before. That fucking laughing, every day, all the time- it never stops. The teachers ignore me. The students... there're a few people that want to help, I guess, but... I-I... I'm too much of a shithead, I guess. I'm not worth them risking their own status. I'm not worth it.

[Video Diary 20: 4:33 PM. 3 Subscribers] Today I thought.... Shit. God. I don't want to talk about it, but... I guess there's not much of a point to this project if I don't. [She brings the phone up closer to her face, dried lines of tears clearly visible.] I thought about hurting myself. I guess, everyone must do it some of the time. I mean, I never would, but... thinking about it, that is. I mean, shit. I shouldn't even have considered that for a moment. I won't. I'll never do that sort of thing. I don't care how bad this gets- at least I've got... you people.
If you even still pay attention to these.
Thanks.

[Video Diary 21: 7:01 PM, 3 Subscribers] I wish we didn't have to live like this. I know other people have a lot less, and we aren't in poverty or anything, but... In this place? I go to a private school. People here aren't like, superstars for the most part, but they're not poor. I just got in on grades. I don't think anyone notices me anymore except to laugh, or to sneer, or to... IT hurts. Every day, I have to HEAR THIS SHIT! Argh, fucking... I don't want to live like this! Every day I get shat on for something: my interests, my family, my clothes, my SOMETHING. How do other people do this ? I can't be the only one like this here. I can't. Everything hurts too much and...

I want to go home, but I guess there isn't one. That's kind of a useless thing to say when home's here. I want to go home- back to when I was a kid. I never had to worry about this then. We lived in another town, another school. It was smaller, but... I didn't have to deal with this, at least.
Why do people do these kind of things to each other? Why would anyone hurt someone else?

[Video Diary 27: 12:54 AM. 5 Subscribers] [Unlike the rest of the videos, this one isn't set in Amber's room. The setting is a dark forest, clearly burnt at some point. It's thick with black and grey ash, and the only trees around are withered husks. Still, green sprouts poke through the ground, indicating the arrival of new life... Amber sits on a husk of a stump, when her camera swings that way.] I ran away. I'm not going to like, stay here. You wouldn't be able to watch this video if I did, right? I had another arguement with my parents. They want to help, but they don't know what to say and when their advice doesn't help and I don't want to take it... yeah. So I waited for them to go to sleep and ran. I needed to get out of the house, away from... all that. This place is far enough from the city that I should be fine. Fuck, when can this all end?
[A musical voice, a lovely feminine voice rings out from somewhere. It's beyond beautiful, but the distortion of the camera's slight dip in audio quality reveals something ever so slightly /wrong/ with it. Something unsettling.] "An ending? That'd simply be a waste. There's only one ending, and I'm sure you don't wish for that." W-who's there? [The camera swings around the clearing, but there's nothing. Merely a small pile of smoldering ash in the middle of the clearing.] "I've been watching you, but I never expected you to end up here. What a tragic story, a girl's life flicked out by a simple waste!" [A fire starts to crawl among the underbrush and dead wood, slight at first, encircling the clearing.] That's not- no, that's not what I meant! You know that, what's going on? "I want to make a deal with you. I'll save you from this fire, and as a bonus, I'll help fix your... other problems. Just give me something." What? I mean, I- "Your name. I want your name... and perhaps a few favors later on. THere'll be plenty in return, I promise you." I'm.. I'm [Here, a burst of static], you know that! [The fire climbs higher, enclosing closer.] "You have to /give it./ Entirely different thing, darling. Give it to me, and only me. Just say that! 'I give you my name', and then say your name. Simple as that." I... I give you my name, [Static]. "Simple as that." [End recording]

[Video Diary 28: 1 AM, 35 Subscribers] The Lady of Smoke And Fire... that's what she told me to call her. I don't think I quite believe that's her name, but... Fuck, /names/. You got what I salvaged of the recording last night- I... I can't even say my old one. I can't /remember/ my old name. I know I had one, because Amber feels /wrong/, but...
[The camera pans over her face- her nose is righted, her hair's grown out a few inches, and flaws and acne pockmarks in her face are much less prevalent]
I guess it's as right as I'm going to get. Man. You all probably think this is just some dumb internet movie. I only wish.

[Video Diary 35: 4:00 PM, 125 Subscribers] I understand it now. When you feel shit it's so much /better/ when someone else can take that for you. I hate it. I love it. I don't understand... why I...
No, I understand why, but I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have... God, this is the worst. I loved it.I loved every minute that I talked to Sarah. I loved every minute that I laid all her flaws bare and made a few up just for fun. I loved all the horrid things I said. I felt alive. Is this part of the bargain? Is part of her trick making me want this? Or is this just something I did?
I had to. She was talking shit about me. IT was really my only option. But did I have to like it?

[Video Diary 40: 4:00 PM, 500 Subscribers] I woke up and everything was wrong. I knew I was changing a bit before, but... [The camera pans over to Amber. Her hair is elegantly swept over the shoulder, expertly applied makeup on her face. Her clothes are far more well made than anything she's worn on her little show before, and certainly better coordinated. Her nose is no longer broken, and you'd never be able to tell that it ever was.] My clothes. My hair, my... Someone's going to notice something. My family thinks it's just a growth spurt, or that I got interested in fixing myself up some. But I don't even know how to put this on, I don't even /own/ makeup. I guess I did today, because I went in and put it all over my face before I knew anything was different.
I have friends I barely know. I can do so much weird shit I don't understand. People like me. No one wants to hurt me, no one wants to hate me, but I want to do that to other people. I owe some god or something favors, I gave up my name.
I don't know who I am. I don't know who Amber Alpis is.
I don't even know if those are the same thing.