Coming Clean

So...

I've been back to Youtube for 3 months now, going back to Let's Playing and really doing what I want to do now. While I can say for the most part I've enjoyed my time since I came back, a part of me is dying on the inside. I think I've done well at masking it, but ever since my change from twitch back to Youtube I've been having internal conflict. I have seriously done my best to hide any sign of weakness, but I need to come clean with my mindset or things will get even worse. I've been through a lot this year with both twitch and Youtube, but also IRL stuff. I won't go into specific detail, but there have been a lot of hindrances that have prevented me from really living my life after graduating high school in 2015. I could have prevented some of these things if I tackled them earlier in my life, but that's purely my fault. I just wish I did a few more things in my teenage years so I wouldn't have additional stress right now as a 20-year-old man.

For those of you still sticking with me, supporting me, just thinking about me in some way, shape or form, I can't thank you enough. You're the reason I'm even still around at this point...

Here's the thing:

In my mind, I am becoming, or maybe already have become, the one thing I never wished to become in my life: irrelevant.

You could agree or disagree all you want, but here is the bottom line:

I stopped production on my Youtube channel to go speedrun Kingdom Hearts 1.5 and various other games on Twitch. This began towards the end of 2013. I had been creating content on Youtube since September of 2009. I cannot believe I did this, but I just flat out stopped. Four years of effort, which got me to be somewhat known on Youtube by 2013, just gone. If I had just kept up with it instead of abandoning it for over 2 years, I would be doing so much better. I will probably never forgive myself for this action, but I need to move on.

I had pretty reasonable success through my entire time spent on Twitch. There was even a small portion of time I considered applying for partnership on the site, but desperately wanted to find a way to change my name on twitch. I'm still very envious of people who have managed this, I might have had partner for a fair bit by now if I wasn't so unhappy with my twitch name. This went on for around 2.5 years, but I eventually hit all of my goals in speedrunning and lost interest. After the events of losing access to my twitch account for a month during the summer of 2016 (long story, won't go into detail), that demotivated me enough to stop streaming. With the combination of these two things happening, I decided that I wanted to go back to what I used to do: Let's Play games that I really enjoyed from my childhood. Thus I began making videos again on August 21, 2016. Now I'm getting into the real point of this pastebin.

I have failed miserably to integrate either my Twitch audience or Youtube audience into both sites I've been active on across the years. As a result of this, people who know me from one place have no idea that I'm even at another. Again, nobody to blame but myself for the things I've done. I just wish I handled things differently. I had so many great things going for me in the 2013/14 era. However, those began to die in 2015 and I feel like 2016 may have put a nail in the coffin for anything I wish to continue doing. I will know for a fact by next year if I can truly recover from these things, but in my mind it is extremely unlikely.

A part of me feels like I'll never be anywhere near as successful again at either of these things because of the amount of inactivity across both websites. I'm honestly disgusted with my actions over the last 3 years. I know the main point behind doing either is to have fun and enjoy yourself...but falling to a place much lower than you used to be is such a blow to your confidence. I don't do what I do for fame and attention, I do it because I have fun with what I create. At the end of the day, I am happy with the content I provide. I just wish I didn't fuck up my management.

As someone who has been around the internet scene with Let's Playing, Twitch, Social Media and pretty much anything else I've done online since 2009...I don't know if I can do this much longer. 2017 is going to be one of the most important years of my life since I'll need to officially decide what I'm going to do with my life. I've been way too lazy and irresponsible with IRL situations as mentioned above. Next year will be the time I finally start being an adult and situate myself. I don't know what the results will be, but I'm preparing myself to make some difficult decisions.

The adolescent years of my life were not easy for me whatsoever. Being able to break free from fucked up events in my life with everyone I've met online gave me a spark in life. That people actually cared about what I did, and more importantly me as a person. I've even been fortunate enough to meet some of you in real life, something that honestly blows my mind. Just remember that no matter what happens, I'll take all the best times I've had since 2009 and treasure them.

I'm not asking you to feel bad for me because none of you have done anything wrong (in fact I've basically self-destructed). I have 0 issues with anyone I've met since I began doing anything online. Anyone who thinks I dislike you just because we haven't talked in a while is completely wrong. I wish I could talk to everyone on a daily basis, but that just isn't possible. Even if you aren't on good terms with me because of things I said or things I've done in the past, I still respect and appreciate every single one of you.

I WILL CONTINUE making content on Youtube and will make an attempt to return to streaming next year (maybe around February or March), but I've just been through rough patches of life this year. Even when things look bleak, you can't just give up until you have exhausted everything you have. I still have plenty of fight left to turn my situation around, I'm just preparing myself for the event real life takes over and I basically can't do these things anymore.

Stay yourselves and keep doing what you're doing. Things will work out for me, one way or another.