Anonymous: Scourge of the Seven Seas

May 13th, 2013
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  1. Anonymous: Scourge of the Seven Seas
  2. By IceMan
  4. >You are Anonymous, scourge of the Seven Equestrian Seas.
  5. >You quickly discovered after being hung by the Crown for running rum down in the Caribbean that ponies make fine sailors and even better pirates.
  6. >While travelling through the Sea of Mirrors, your first mate, Pip Squeak, spots several foreign vessels off the starboard bow.
  7. “Equestrian war galleons,” you mutter. “Raise the black flag!”
  8. >A boatswain lowers the farcical Equestrian emblem from the mast and raises a black flag, marked with a skull and two crossed white fists.
  9. “Guns ready! Rudder to starboard!” you order.
  10. >“Guns ready! Rudder to starboard!” Pip Squeak repeats to the crew.
  11. >Your ship, the Siren’s Chlamydia, stutters to the right, its sails flapping in the wind like breasts on an overweight female running track and field.
  12. >Beneath the decks, cannonballs rumble towards their waiting guns.
  13. >You pull out your trusty telescope and examine the enemy warships.
  14. >They are all twenty-four gunned mustard-colored Equestrian cruisers, with yellow-dressed soldiers bearing heavy rifles marching along the decks in straight lines while sailors climb the rigging.
  15. >Somehow, they haven’t spotted your stolen green frigate, a dinghy of only ten guns compared to these monstrosities.
  16. >Your guns will soon be in range.
  17. >You load a bullet and a wad of gunpowder into the pistol pulled from your hip.
  18. >“Captain! The first vessel is in range!” a second mate yells up.
  19. “Fire,” you whisper with a smile.
  20. >After a broadside of lead, the first cruiser detonates once its powder magazine is struck.
  21. “Rudder to port!” you order, quickly firing off a shot from your pistol and striking an Equestrian soldier on one of the other cruisers in the nose.
  22. >Your ship swings around like a dainty stripper on a pole and fires off another broadside to the second cruiser, crippling it.
  23. >A swinging ball-and-chain rips through the gaudy Equestrian warship’s mast.
  24. “Board that ship!” you command. “Leave the captain alive. He’s mine.”
  25. >Ten of your sailors board it and dispatch what remains of its crew with swashbuckling and swordplay.
  26. >The final cruiser meets the same fate is the first: slowly sinking and immobilized.
  27. >Three chests of gold doubloons and gems are brought aboard the Siren’s Chlamydia, along with the two captains of the HMS Sun’s Kiss and the HMS Solstice and locked in the brig.
  28. >The remaining enemy crew is left for the swirling sharks, attracted to several crates of chum dropped in the water around the looted wrecks of the destroyed vessels.
  29. >After night falls and several jugs of fermented sugar, you walk down into the belly of the ship and visit your two captives.
  30. >In your best Robert Newton as Long John Silver impression, you begin to interrogate the two for no real reason other than to make them squirm.
  31. “You got a family?” you ask, picking dried meat out of your teeth with your sword.
  32. >The two both nod.
  33. “Tha’s good, tha’s good . . . Think they’ll miss you two if we decide to, you know, make ya . . . walk the plank?”
  34. >They nod again.
  35. “It’s funny, ya know. I was considering just ransomin’ you two, but now that I think about it a lil’ bit . . .”
  36. >You jingle the keys on your belt, searching for the one that opens the cell door.
  37. >After a dozen tries, you finally get the right one.
  38. “We’re going to have a lil’ fun first. And you’re gonna learn why I have two fists on my flag.”
  39. >You backhand the two ponies to the floor.
  40. “ALL HANDS ON THE POOP DECK!” you roar into one’s ear, and ram your fist up his ass.
  41. >Their moans of pain echo through the Siren’s Chlamydia all night.
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