I started seeing a really attractive student girl from Wales about 10 years ago now.I was unemployed she was a Biochemist.She was a farmers girl who could drink like a rugby player.Her tipple was pints of bitter (John Smiths) Anyhow they're just a few details that might prove relevant later.I'd only been seeing her for a couple of weeks maybe 3 at the most.

Right onto the events...
We went out and drank about 10-12 pints each and then came back.We went to bed and she started to get amorous.Next minute she needed a piss so she left her room and came back with wet hands looking for a towel.She found a hand towel under the bed and dried her hands and  chucked it on the floor by the bed.
She got into bed and crashed immediately leaving me with nothing on but a hard and now also a cob...

I remembered that I had a 10 mg valium in my pocket and decided that I needed to chill out so I took it.

Fast forward about 3-4 hours and I come around completely naked on my hands and knees on top of her duvet...on her carpet, she was naked on her bed with no cover on fast asleep.
I felt a bizarre relief like I'd just pissed so I looked at the quilt beneath my knees...

eEEK !!  large wet patch...
Then I noticed the 'conkers' that were keeping the piss company.About 5 or 6 of the buggers a bit smaller than golf balls...
eeesh! ...time for quick sober thought !

I grabbed the empty carrier bag from the bin and quietly picked up the 'presents' from her quilt with it thanking something in the sky that they were firm 'gifts' and luckily hadn't marked the quilt which was white but had a large piss stain down one side of it.I put the dry side over my new girlfriend and then noticed the puddle on the carpet and started to get tired so just put my foot on the towel and mopped the piss up with the towel.... so far so good.I'm going to be on the wet patch but she was very attractive indeed so I let her off. :-P
I tied the bag and threw it into the swing-bin in the kitchen.. got into the bed of piss and slept. A while later she woke, got up and went to get ready for her work placement.I pretended to be asleep hiding the damp patch of the duvet down by my side... peeping through a gap in the duvet.

In walks Liz with her arms out like Tommy Cooper and then it dawns on me that she's looking for a towel ....
She looks down on the floor, picks the damp piss towel up, sniffs it and wipes her face and hands on it.
I'm fucking squeezing my balls with one hand and biting the fingers of the other to stop myself from falling out of bed and rolling around the floor in tears.She then
goes off to her work placement leaving me her key so I could get in to make her tea for when she got back.

It was approaching midsummer and was a lovely Sunny day so I said hi/bye to her house mates and fucked off sharpish.About an hour before she was due back I returned and put my key in the door.I opened the door to be kicked in the balls by shit fumes.The bin had been in the sun's path all day and was really cooking the 'presents'
Fuck !!..... I walked into the kitchen which smelled like a Glastonbury portaloo on a Monday morning... more quick thinking .... nearly out of the woods ! I open all the windows, the back door and take the offending 'gift bag'  out of the swingbin.I run into the garden and 'achtung stylee' I lobbed the shitbag over the back garden fences.Sprayed a bit of deoderant round the place washed up and start prepping a meal.
Liz walks in about half an hour later and comments on the nice smells in the kitchen.I giggle sneakily... about 5-10 mins later the front door knocks and Liz goes to answer it... There's an old woman on the doorstep... I chuck the roasters in and go to her room...and hear the following... "What, a bag of poo ? It couldn't have come from here there's been nobody in.Why would anyone do that.That's disgusting...!!" ball squeeze time again...

Next minute Liz walks in and says "Fucking hell, some old lady up the street seems to think that someone's thrown a bag of human shit in her garden poor thing.She didn't seem the full shilling bless her, probably Alzheimers...